Quite a big burden (to say the least)

Sunday / August 29, 2021.

Aaaaand here we are. The time to write has come. No more avoiding hard conversations with myself, no more avoiding confronting hard feelings. I’ve been avoiding writing about stuff for about a month now and it’s gotten me nowhere. I told my sister about an hour ago how I just don’t want to write about sad stuff. But my dear people, that’s how life is sometimes. Me and my family are going through a very hard period. My family doesn’t own a business anymore as my dad decided to sell his part of the business to my uncle. The problem is that the majority of the money has not been given to us yet and we can’t move on and invest in another business. It’s been months and months of waiting for the money to be given to us and now it has come to the point where there’s no hope anymore. We have lost our financial stability. We are broke. I stop and think to myself, when and how did this happen, because it just seems so surreal. I come from a very hard working family. My dad has been working since he was 14!! We’ve always felt secure and stable. And now we’re here, a family of 10 members, all unemployed, waiting for our money. One day they say it’s gonna be done in two days, one day they say it’s gonna take another two weeks. And that’s been being said for months now. It’s been awful. This year has not only damaged me in a couple new ways, but my family too. It’s all we talk about, it’s all we’re focused on. And I can’t blame anyone for that because there’s nothing you can do without money. We can’t move on and open a new business, we can’t live comfortably like we’re used to. We have to be super careful with our spendings all the time. The bills keep coming and coming and the money is nowhere to be seen. I’m devastated. It’s not about the money, it’s about the emotional damage, stress and frustration that we’re going through. I don’t understand a lot of things. My only hope is that this will be solved somehow, as soon as possible. My dad and big brother have some ideas about opening a business in Germany. Croatia is no longer an option for our new business once we get our money. I think Germany is a good option, as the quality of life is quite high there. And it’s a great country overall. Life in Croatia has lost all its meaning. Even though I was born and raised here, I’m only here because of my studies; nothing else. Speaking of studies, I find it super hard to start studying and get my work done. My head is simply full of so much stuff, and thoughts and fears it’s hard to sit down and study. I’m trying not to freak out and simply take it slow. I’m not giving up on my dreams, I just need to slow down so I don’t crash completely. So I will slow down, and hopefully, I will not be feeling guilty about it. I went to Kosovo this summer and my budget was the lowest ever. I didn’t even want to go but my cousin / best friend was getting married so I wanted to be there for her of course. Other than that, under these conditions, I wouldn’t have travelled anywhere. I was tired every day, physically and emotionally. I had fun and created some amazing memories, but I suffered too. It’s just hard, very hard and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m starting my job as an English teacher for kids soon. I will only be working one day a week in the beginning; that’s fine. I think I’ll look for another job and have two jobs so I can earn as much money as possible while going to university. There are a lot of expenses that I need to cover. I’m incredibly stressed but I think I’m handling this situation quite well. I’m trying to stay optimistic even though it feels like I’m lying to myself sometimes. I don’t know what’s gonna happen but I hope it will end well. Till then, I’ll try to do as much of what I love doing and keep myself in a good headspace. On a positive note, me and my childhood best friend that I went separate ways with about a year and a half ago, decided to give our friendship another try. I love her so much and I truly hope that from now on, we will only keep getting even better friends. I apologised for my words that I know hurt her. I apologised for a lot of things because I know I made a mistake. She apologised to me for her mistakes and explained the meanings behind some of her actions. I’m happy we were able to forgive each other and I’m glad we’re back and better than ever. An apology goes a long way, so instead of losing people, lose your egoistic walls and apologise when you need to. Life is messy at the moment but there are things worth fighting for so that’s why I have to keep going. There’s more to write about but this story is already all around the place. I met someone who seems quite different from everyone I’ve met in the past. We’ll see what happens. I just wanted to mention it in this story since that’s also one of the things that happened this month. If I had to do a feelings check,  I’d say I feel hurt, disappointed, hopeless and stressed. Still hoping we’ll figure things out soon. I feel a bit better for writing about all of this however, I do feel a heavy weight on my chest as I’m going through thoughts and emotions. I need to rest now, and I think that’s about it for today. Till next time. 

May peace find me and my family again soon. May peace find whoever gets to read this.

We got this, 

♡, Albesa. 

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