MAY / MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS MONTH

MAY / MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS MONTH

May is mental health awareness month and I’d like to take this opportunity to write a word or two about mental health and the importance of it. Mental health is just as important as physical health. When we break a bone, we go to the doctor and ask for help, right? We don’t hesitate and make ourselves walk around with a broken leg; we can assume that would be quite painful, wouldn’t it? No matter the fact that mental pain cannot be seen like a broken bone can, after some time it becomes noticeable that something is going on with the person. We start having difficulties doing what we usually like to do; showing up, talking to people, going to work, studying etc. Non of us gets to choose what life puts us through, sometimes we’re just thrown into unpredictable and unexpected life situations that we haven’t been prepared for and have not experienced before. Those situations are extremely complex and hard to deal with, especially in the beginning. Being a beginner is hard with pretty much everything in life. Hardships, difficulties, loss, struggles; they can affect a person’s mental health and cause the development of different mental illnesses which can seriously damage the quality of one’s life. Mental illnesses like depression and anxiety affect all areas of life. The over-all health, relationships, work / school efficiency. Even daily tasks that are usually simple, such as brushing your teeth or making your bed, can seem impossible to do. It’s extremely serious and important to talk about.

I’d like to encourage each and every one of you to express whatever is in your heart and mind. I’d like to encourage each and every one of you to talk about your problems, feelings, thoughts, experiences. I, personally, would gladly hear your story, whoever you are reading this. Whatever you’re dealing with, it’s worth sharing, it’s important and valid.

It’s understand it’s hard to talk about these topics considering the fact that some of us come from families who have never talked about mental health and don’t understand the concept of mental illnesses. However, in order to create a healthier and safer society, in this day and age, we all have internet and so many sources of education,  we have the ability to be less judgemental, so the least we can do is read about the basics of mental health issues and how we can provide support for ourselves and our loved ones who are struggling.

And last but not least;

if you’re someone who’s struggling with mental health issues, this is for you.

Let me tell you that there’s nothing to be ashamed of. There is nothing wrong with you. You’re absolutely not defined by your mental illness, whether you have a diagnosis or not. Your brain works in a specific way but it’s not damaged, broken, ruined. You’re still capable of whatever you want to do, but at your own pace. Please remember that it’s not a bad thing if you take your time. Don’t hesitate to ask for help, especially professional help if you’re financially able to afford it. You’re still gonna achieve all your dreams, no matter how far away it might seem when you’re in the middle of a chaos. It might take a little longer but you will. People do love you, they really do. You’re not a burden, people really do care about you. What you’re going through can happen to everyone, no matter the social status, age, ethnicity, weight, or any other factor. The people around you, some of them will educate themselves on these topics and they will be a support system for you, which is extremely important. On the other hand, some might not do that unfortunately, and conversations with them will often be very unpleasant. Don’t take other people’s ignorance very personally, I promise it’s not about you. There are many ignorant people in the world, but also many, many wonderful, caring and non-judgemental ones who are rooting for you, even the ones who don’t even know you personally. Things do get better, so much better. You survive the mess once, and by that you develop mental and emotional skills and tools needed to survive another mess. You will become really good at managing chaoses. At some point, it will no longer dictate your life; it will just be your ‘little’ companion. Coming from me, someone who’s been besties with anxiety since I was 16, I can assure you that no matter the hardships, your life can still be extremely beautiful. And it will be. 

ps: I first started writing and expressing myself through letters when I was 16. It helped me a lot, especially because I was very young and I couldn’t afford professional help at the time. I highly encourage you to find something that you enjoy doing that also helps you express your emotions and soothe the pain. It’s also a very beautiful feeling to read back your stories and appreciate how far you’ve come despite everything you’ve gone through.

♡, Albesa

Separation

Tuesday, May 10, 2022.

Breathe and exist apart from them for a moment. Live your life doing your own thing. Try not to get consumed by the situation, beating yourself up, wondering why things didn’t work between you and whoever is on your mind right now. You’re allowed to be sad, disappointed and heartbroken. You’re allowed to take your time. Your feelings are important and valid. However, it’s no good to pause your life for too long, waiting and hoping you’ll receive a message from them or some other confirmation that they haven’t forgotten about you. Whether they have forgotten about you or not, it has little to nothing to do with you. There’s a reason why people go separate ways; that becomes very clear when our emotions settle down, so give it time and time shall give you the answers to your questions. Some answers we already know, but have a hard time accepting them. Maybe after some time, common ground can be found. Maybe after some time, you will both be able to understand each other much better. Maybe not. Sometimes we’re simply too different to be in each other’s lives. And that’s okay too. Maybe letting go really is the best thing to do at times. There are a lot of maybes, and in that case, the best thing to do is separate your idea of happiness from them, whoever that person is and no matter how hard it is. At times, caring for someone from afar is the only healthy option. If two people have not found their own selves yet, the first thing they need to take care of is finding their path. Your individual paths will either eventually cross again, or go in two completely different directions; but keep it real with yourself and your expectations. A ‘maybe’ is more likely to be a ‘no’ than a ‘yes’.

If there’s one thing you need to keep in mind, it’s this one:

only when you’ve found your own self, are you able to find everything else that’s also looking for you.

♡, Albesa

The good, the bad, and everything in between from the last two months

Tuesday, May 3, 2022. 

So much has happened since I’ve last written anything on the blog. I’m sorry I’ve been so absent lately. Sometimes I’m so overwhelmed with everything going on to me and around me that I simply don’t know how to be a person anymore. I’ve realised a huge problem that I have. I let everything consume me. Whatever happens to me or around me that affects me or my loved ones, it gets to me to the point where my anxiety becomes unbearable. My anxiety has officially reached its peak. I’ve been having headaches for about a month and a half now. Just to be clear, I never had headaches before and now all of a sudden, I feel this tension and pounding in my head. I thought it was because of my wisdom teeth growing but it wasn’t. I got super scared and started fearing some terminal illness. I went to the doctor and checked my brain and luckily it was all okay. My doctor asked me about my mental health and I told her what I was going through and she told me, your headaches are a product of your anxiety; your body has had enough. She also advised me about therapy and treating anxiety with medication to which I responded with a lot of scepticism. I know medication could help me but I’m just so afraid of something going wrong with that too. Becoming addicted to medication, or not knowing how to function without them. I don’t know. I’m more open minded about it than I was five years ago when I was prescribed some pills that I flushed down the toilet as soon as I got home. I’m curious but I need to inform and educate myself more. It might help me. What if it changes my life for the better? What if my fears calm down? Imagine that peaceful life where your brain doesn’t come up with the absolute worst case scenarios all the time? Must be truly wonderful to be alive. Should I move on and write about good things now or?? Wait no, I’m not done with the bad things yet. Another truly heartbreaking thing for me was going separate ways from my cousin who I’ve always had a great relationship with. I’m not gonna go into too many details because it’s too much for me at this point, but what hurt me so much was her trying to remove me from her life with one unfollow on Instagram. Years and years of being cousins and close friends- simply gone with one unfollow. Wow wow wow. Absolutely heartbreaking. I was going through a depressive episode and she asked me if I was ignoring her, to which I responded negatively. I wasn’t ignoring her or anything, I was just taking time for myself to calm down and be in peace. When I’m in that state of being, I find it extremely difficult to be around people or make plans or go out. Which is why I wasn’t inviting her or anyone anywhere. Two months later, I posted a couple stories on Instagram of me being out, it was either one of the two times I went out for a special occasion to which I was invited, I wasn’t the one inviting, or I was on my way to work. My cousin told me she had seen me going out and never inviting her. Based on the stories she had seen on Instagram, that I was ‘going out’,  she thought my depression was over and I simply didn’t want to hang out with her; which was so far from the truth. I wish she should’ve messaged me asked me about it instead of jumping into conclusions and creating theories that do not exist. Our families don’t get along anymore and we’ve had extreme issues, and I think that’s the real reason why she wanted to remove me and my sisters from her life. She unfollowed us all. I respect her decision but I’m sure she wasn’t honest about why she unfollowed me. Had she wanted to continue having a connection, she would’ve asked me about me going out, she could’ve asked me if I was feeling better because she saw me going out. But nope. She simply unfollowed me without any explanation. I asked her for an explanation, then we met and talked and that’s it. There are many family issues between the two families, but I’m not responsible for any of it and that’s why it hurts to be removed from someone’s life with one unfollow. But nothing can be forced. It is what it is, and if you don’t accept things for what they are, you’ll suffer to the point of insanity. So I choose to accept whatever it is, no matter how much it hurts. Now on to the good things. I’ve written about losing our family business and money issues a couple times. It’s been the hardest year and a half but I’m happy to finally tell you that the suffering might be coming to and end. We are buying a new bakery on the other side of the city. Oh my God I cannot believe the day to write this has come. There’s this cute bakery that was being sold and my dad met with the owner, they made an agreement and we’re taking over the bakery in one week. The bakery is already opened and furnished, so we’ll just take over it and manage it in our own way, baking and creating our own products. I can’t wait and I’m so happy for my parents, my big brother and my entire family. I hope a good chapter is ahead of us. Moving to Germany was my dad’s plan after losing our business but that didn’t work out since we didn’t find a proper place for a bakery. My family has been living in Zagreb for so many years, I guess it’s destiny that did its job because the bakery that we bought and are taking over is in Zagreb, which means none is moving. We’re staying in Zagreb, a place that we can all call home no matter the hardships that we’ve experienced here as Albanians. I’m happy with how things worked out. I hope the business with be successful. Another good thing. This is soooo strange to say but oh man, I was invited to an interview!! I tweeted about how my English teacher in high school bullied me multiple times, telling me I wasn’t good in English as I thought I was and how now, nine years later, I’m an English teacher myself. It got a hundred likes and caught the attention of a TV show in Kosovo. They reached out to me because they wanted to hear my story. I was shocked when I saw their message. I did the interview, talked about being a teacher, bullying and being Albanian in Croatia. I was terrified but it was a great experience. The response was beyond what I could’ve imagined. I felt so honored to talk about important topics like those, and I was especially honored because it’s a TV show from Kosovo where they speak Albanian, so I spoke Albanian in the interview which was very special for because I’m a huge fan of it as it’s my mother language and i find it very very beautiful. What else? Have I forgotten anything? Ughhh, I have a lot more things on my mind but I just don’t want to write about it on here because then it’s gonna feel like it’s tooo important and I still care too much. And I don’t want that! But since it’s on my mind, what difference does it make man? Basically, it’s about a failed talking stage with someone I genuinely thought I had a real connection with. But I think it might have been a bit more genuine from my side than it was from his. Anyway, maybe I’ll write more about in another story, someday in the future. We’ll see. I know I’ll be fine regardless. My dear journal, thank you for always being patient with me and being my safe space where I can return anytime. I’ve missed you so much. I think that’s about it for today’s story. Until next time, stay safe and kind. Love and light to whoever gets to read this story. 

All my love,

♡, Albesa

ps: Happy Eid to those celebrating. I’ve had so much food I’m about to explode!!

Way too many thoughts

Wednesday / February 23, 2022.

Like I always do when I’m having a shitty time, I come here and just let it all out. When was the last time I was not having a shitty time though? I feel like it’s been forever since I’ve last felt peace. There is always, and I really mean always something going on. Something hard, something that makes you really tired and exhausted. Is it even possible to not have so many hard things on your plate? I feel like I’ve lost a sense of peace, a sense of simply being and existing. I’m constantly stressed, under a lot of pressure. I’m constantly doubting myself. There are times when I feel like I can absolutely achieve whatever I put my mind to, and there are times when it all seems like a very, very surreal dream. I wonder if I’ll ever graduate; will my brain be able to learn and process all of that studying? After all the mental struggles that I’m constantly dealing with, is my brain’s capacity still there? Will I ever reach a level of self-love where I will no longer think of myself as ‘not good enough’ in any situation? That thought is so poisonous, and my dear people, working on removing it from your minds will do wonders; I’ve been trying. I overthink, to an extreme extent. I feel stupid after almost every conversation. I always think I should’ve formed the sentence differently, or used different words. Sometimes I don’t sound like myself, or it’s just in my head, I honestly have no idea. I’m extremely self-critical as you can probably tell. There’s so much work that needs to be done. I’m not a people pleaser anymore, however, what I’ve realised is that I’m still terrified of conflicts and confrontations. It’s still one of the most uncomfortable things to do when it comes to other people. My entire body goes crazy just thinking about confronting someone or expressing my feelings. It’s absolutely wild how your childhood habits will follow you through your adulthood if you don’t acknowledge your own issues and work on them. I was a highly criticised child, always listening to some sort of comments about me and my appearance. Always being compared to my slim sisters or cousins or someone else. Even though it’s gotten a lot better over the years because I’ve worked on myself really hard, I’ve noticed how the overly criticised child becomes an overly criticised adult. There are so many things about me that I don’t appreciate as much as I should. Instead, I stand in front of a mirror, doing my make up, and start commenting on how my skin looks awful. That’s not a nice thing to say or hear. So why do I do that to myself? Why do I comment on my acne? Is it me acknowledging that my acne exists before someone else does? I’ve struggled with acne for 6 years now. It’s still quite strange to me how it appeared out of nowhere, dare I say. It’s a good question to ask, is it really out of nowhere knowing damn well I had been struggling with severe depression for two and a half years before it started showing on my skin? I don’t really know what to say anymore. It’s a mess at home and it gets to me. It makes me so sad and then it all comes at me at the same time. I think I need to breathe and be kinder to myself. This is a very hard period of life and I’m trying to survive.

I need to stop expecting things from myself all the time. It’s okay to simply just exist for a little bit. Deep breathes and a bit of hope. Tomorrow is a new day and I will try to find something to be excited about. It’s nice to see the days getting longer again. It helps to go out for a walk. It’s nice to feel the body. It’s nice to write and remind yourself of how well you combine letters and words, and how people feel understood after reading my words. Pure magic. I struggle and I’m not feeling my best most of the time, but I’m here and I’m trying to find light. I’m trying to stay hopeful even though it seems impossible sometimes. But I’m here and that’s more than enough. 

Till’ next time,

Albesa ♡

Being understanding towards myself

Saturday / February 5, 2022.

I don’t even know what I wanna write to be honest. I just know I want to write. So here I am. I’m at the mall, just finished my (vegan) crepe and now I’m sitting here thinking about what I’d like to share this time. I just came back from Kosovo. I’ve mentioned it before how Kosovo feels weird since my grandma passed away. I enjoy it but I also feel a bit empty when I’m there; I don’t really know how to put that into words. I had fun, I also froze to death a couple times haha, I met a friend from Twitter who’s extremely kind, aaaand I also met someone who I had been talking to on and off for 5 months. I’m not gonna go into details because if I write about them on my blog it starts feeling waaay to important and they’re not, so I’m just gonna keep it short. I would, however, like to write about my experience. I met the person, I realised their intentions were completely different than mine, and we’re not compatible at all. I think I’ve tolerated this person too much, and it was because I was curious to see them in person (since that’s what he kept mentioning), but nothing happened. We met, we had fun, but there was no talk about where the talking stage was going, there was no talk about intentions or anything. In fact, this person told me ‘I didn’t know you liked me’, to which I answered ‘why would I talk to you for that long if I didn’t like you?’- I know people talk to others out of boredom and everything, but he got to know me very well and he knew that wasn’t the case. Anyway, if nothing, I got a confirmation that we’re simply not for each other and that’s totally okay. I hope he figures it out. What else do I have to write about? Nothing very specific happened. Me and my sister discovered a new vegetarian and vegan restaurant in Prizren, and we were so happy because there aren’t many vegan options in Kosovo, and you know, your girl is vegan and likes to eat a lot. The place is very nice and cozy, simple and comfortable. I even took my friend from Twitter there, and she liked the food too. When it comes to meeting new people, I feel like I’m more open for that than I used to be before. It must be due to my mindset and my state of mental wellbeing. Now that I’ve learned to function with all my mental struggles, I think I have nothing against meeting new people. I’m very protective of my energy though; which means I need to be around the right people because otherwise I’m just gonna end up feeling drained and that’s not something to look forward to. I’ve been struggling big time for the last three months. This last episode of depression was long and intense as hell, but I think I’m slowly starting to feel okay again. I’m sitting at the mall, alone, not bothered about how I will be perceived by others. To some, I’m probably gonna look like a desperate loner, to some I’m probably gonna look mad, and to some, I’m gonna look badass; because look, this girl is sitting there doing her thing and enjoys her own company enough in order to have a good time. And the third is the truth. Just saying. And that alone, compared to the stories I’ve written years ago, is simply amazing. I’m happy to be here and I’m happy to be making progress. Oh and yeah, it was my 5th anniversary on WordPress. Where did time go? Here’s to more years of writing, more stories, sad ones, happy ones and most importantly, authentic ones. Sending love to however needs it. Just realised this is my first story of the year. Happy new year (one month later lol!)

Till next time,

♡, Albesa

Not doing good

Tuesday / December 28, 2021.

I haven’t written anything here for the longest time ever. It’s been almost three months since I’ve last posted a story.. That pretty much explains how I’ve been. I’ve been going through one of the hardest times of my life and I’m just so extremely exhausted. The family situation is still at the same exact spot, nothing has been solved, nothing is moving forward, and we’re all tired of waiting for good news. We’ve been waiting for something this entire year. It’s been so hard and it has hurt and traumatised me in some new and scary ways. It’s gonna take some time to heal after it’s all over. Losing a business is terrifying. Not getting the money to move on is even more terrifying. Waiting for people to act accordingly is a losing game. It’s simply a horrible situation to be in and with my last bits of energy, I’m trying to dig in deep into my heart and find some hope there because right now, at this exact moment, I don’t really have much of it. I’ve lost my hope while constantly waiting for something that should’ve been done months and months ago. I’m writing this story with so much pain in my heart and so much weight on my chest. I think I’ve handled this hard year pretty well but this past month, dear god, I’ve been feeling so down, and so awful I can’t even put it into words. I’m full of pain to say the least, pain from multiple things. This past month kicked my ass for real. Then there’s university. If you’ve ever studied at a university, you’ll be able to understand how hard it is just it being university. Now imagine university while dealing with severe anxiety and constant episodes of depression. My mental health has gotten much worse these last two months, especially this past one month when I felt myself entering the dark room (a term for depression that I’ve been using ever since I’ve created this blog back in January 2017.)  It’s so hard to do anything. I still go to university, I still go to work, and I’m so proud of myself for that but I’m extremely tired and I don’t think anyone understands what I’m going through. I have so much studying to catch up on. Important exams are coming and I’m extremely anxious and scared of all the work that I need to do considering what I’m going through. I just don’t know anything anymore. Then there’s something else that’s hurting me: realising that I’m not feeling good in a friendship that I had ended but after a year decided to give another try. I gave it another try but I realised I’m still hurt and I’m still very disappointed. I’m not in peace at all. I’m stuck in a very uncomfortable situation once again. I feel like I got back with an ex that I love so much but just know we’re not compatible for each other. This is extremely hard. I’ve given my best to be the absolute best friend that I could and I feel it my heart that I didn’t get any of it back. And I don’t want that for myself anymore. There’s another thing that  I ‘d maybe like to write about and include in this story even though it’s just another disappointment. I’m talking about a failed talking stage, another disappointment, another time of me being taken for granted or for a fool. I’m not hurt, but I’m extremely disappointed and at times a little sad simply because I know what I deserve and I never get any of it. Neither do I get what I give. But the good things is that I’m in peace knowing that I’ve done nothing but treat them right so, definitely not my loss. Life is a mess right now in many areas, and I need to figure things out. I need to slowly get back to taking care of myself. I need to take care of the food I eat because I’ve been eating so unhealthy and I feel even worse. I need to rest for a little bit, and then I’ll get back to things no matter hard it’s going to be. New Year is just around the corner and I want to start it with a little hope. Hope that things will eventually fall into its place and it won’t hurt as much anymore. And that I’ll fight and work for myself and my future more than ever before. It’s hard but I got this. And if you’re going through something too, you got it. That’s it for this story. I’m not even gonna read what I wrote, I’m just gonna leave it like this because it’s an accurate description of my life right now. 

I feel so much better after writing all of that and expressing my pain. I’ll never be gone for that long ever again.

Sending love and light to whoever needs it a little extra these days.

 Til’ the next story!

♡, Albesa. 

Just getting things out of my chest

Sunday / October 3, 2021.

Sometimes it’s hard to put it into words how I’m feeling. All sorts of feelings are running through my mind, body and soul. My chest feels heavy a lot of the times and I can’t help it. I feel a lot, I think a lot. There are a lot of things going on in my family. There are a lot of things going on around me. Some days I feel better, and some days I feel like I’m carrying a mountain of pain on my back. It’s hard. It’s very, very hard. I wish my grandma was still here so I could call her and tell her about my worries. She somehow always had the right words to say. I miss her so much my heart is hurting. I’m going through a very hard period in my life but you know what I’ve noticed? I’ve become my own support system. I’ve been being there for myself more than ever. I feel like I got my own back and that makes me feel extremely empowered. I’ve become so serious about myself and my life now and I genuinely feel that I’m entering a transitional chapter in my life where my main focus is me, my life,  mental health and my relationship with myself. I’m hoping things get better soon. It crushes me to see my parents sad or stressed. This year has not been easy for them; in fact, it has damaged them in so many ways it kills me just thinking about it. A lot of things make me sad, but what is there to do; I ask myself. The only remaining thing to do is hope for a better tomorrow, while doing what I can and taking care of the things that are in my control, that’s it. University starts of Monday. I’m a little anxious but mostly excited. My education is one of the things that I’m extremely passionate about so it keeps me going. I need to study a lot, but I’m excited about it because I know I’m on my way to getting where I want to be. I will put on a nice outfit and get out there. I will take good care of myself and live my life doing my own thing. I’m not bothered by people’s opinions anymore. It used to stop me from doing so many things for a long time, and it’s just not a thing anymore. I’m learning to live with my anxiety more and more. I feel so much lighter, it’s an amazing feeling. I didn’t want to make people think about me in one way or another. But how ridiculous is that actually?! People are gonna have opinions, just like you do; but so what? Please do what brings joy to your soul. Please please please. People really don’t care that much about what you’re doing I swear! But even if they do, put yourself first and do your thing. Be an example for everyone else since you have their attention. Allow yourself to be exactly who you are and share bits of it with the world. We are sadly not even aware of it, but we have so much to offer, and so much to give. So in order to give, and recieve, we need to learn how to get out of the boxes that we constantly put ourselves in. Sometimes it seems like we’ve gotten comfortable, but we truly do not belong there. Anxiety is a complex thing, however, it’s still possible to live. Live with your fears. Do it once, do it twice, and it will become easier and easier. You’re gonna be fine. These were today’s thoughts. I’m not trying to make sense. I’m just writing whatever is in my heart and mind. We don’t always make sense anyways. In fact, most of the times we don’t, but we’re still just as worthy.

♡, Albesa. 

Am I slowly getting there?

Wednesday / September 22, 2021. 

I always write when I’m feeling down so I thought it would be a good idea to sit and write today as I’m feeling hopeful. It’s been strange the last couple of days. Even though this year has kicked my ass in ways it had never kicked it before, I can see and feel that I’m in a different place mentally; a muuuuch better place. Of course I still have my dark days when I struggle to see any light, but overall, I notice I’ve made huge progress and I’m proud of myself for that. I feel different,  I’m at a place where I only want to work on myself and my future and do everything in my power to ensure a healthy, fulfilled and balanced life for myself. I want to be more focused on my education which is, besides my mental health of course, my top priority. I want to enjoy my new job to the fullest, and be proud of myself for getting such an amazing job and being able to earn money myself again. Even though it’s a part time job because I’m a student, it’s still just as important. I love teaching kids English, I love hanging out with them and being a part of their progress. It’s very fulfilling and I’m beyond happy and grateful for the opportunity I’ve been given. University is going pretty much okay, I’m a little behind with a couple exams but it’s gonna be fine, I’ll get to that too. I’ve been taking more pictures and being more creative. I’ve been there for myself more than ever lately. And my dear people, it’s lifechaning. Doing your thing, releasing the worries you have about other people’s opinion is such a sensational feeling, you feel so free and empowered to just be your authentic self, it’s amazing. I hope this is the beginning of a new era for me, where I’m the main character of my life, not everyone else. I’m still just as caring but in this phase of life, I’m the priority. I can’t even believe I’m writing this. It’s true that it gets better and I can finally confirm that myself. Might cry tears of joy after writing this story. Looking back, I’ve gone through so much and the fact that I’m still here, breathing, and trying to make something out of my life is just amazing to me. My younger self is so proud, and definitely clapping hard for me! Please look after yourself and be kind to your mind. Please ask for help. Take care of your well-being, water it by doing what you love, by speaking kindly to yourself, and by forgiving yourself over and over again. I haven’t felt like this in a while, so I hope this is the first of many stories with an empowering vibe like this. I’m proud of myself and everyone who’s trying to heal, grow, and move on with their lives. We got this.

♡, Albesa. 

‘I DON’T WANT TO BE A BURDEN’

Sunday / September 5, 2021. 

You’re not a burden to me for telling me your’re  struggling or feeling too much. You’re not a burden to me for showing me your messy moments that in reality everybody has. You’re not a burden to me for showing me your pain. I care about you and I will do my best to help you carry your pain until it gets easier for you. Life is full of beautiful moments and painful moments too. We can’t have only the good part of it. Pain is inevitable, however, it’s not forever; especially not when there are people who want to listen to you. You’re only a burden to me if you’re hurting, yet I know nothing about it. And it’s a burden because of the wall you build around yourself which I can’t break without your help. So let’s help each other by simply showing all of what makes us us. Let’s break those walls and let people care about us if they’re willing to. 

The ones who care are rare, 

but they exist, 

there is a couple of them there. 

♡, Albesa. 

It’s suicide prevention month. Please be kind to one another. 

Quite a big burden (to say the least)

Sunday / August 29, 2021.

Aaaaand here we are. The time to write has come. No more avoiding hard conversations with myself, no more avoiding confronting hard feelings. I’ve been avoiding writing about stuff for about a month now and it’s gotten me nowhere. I told my sister about an hour ago how I just don’t want to write about sad stuff. But my dear people, that’s how life is sometimes. Me and my family are going through a very hard period. My family doesn’t own a business anymore as my dad decided to sell his part of the business to my uncle. The problem is that the majority of the money has not been given to us yet and we can’t move on and invest in another business. It’s been months and months of waiting for the money to be given to us and now it has come to the point where there’s no hope anymore. We have lost our financial stability. We are broke. I stop and think to myself, when and how did this happen, because it just seems so surreal. I come from a very hard working family. My dad has been working since he was 14!! We’ve always felt secure and stable. And now we’re here, a family of 10 members, all unemployed, waiting for our money. One day they say it’s gonna be done in two days, one day they say it’s gonna take another two weeks. And that’s been being said for months now. It’s been awful. This year has not only damaged me in a couple new ways, but my family too. It’s all we talk about, it’s all we’re focused on. And I can’t blame anyone for that because there’s nothing you can do without money. We can’t move on and open a new business, we can’t live comfortably like we’re used to. We have to be super careful with our spendings all the time. The bills keep coming and coming and the money is nowhere to be seen. I’m devastated. It’s not about the money, it’s about the emotional damage, stress and frustration that we’re going through. I don’t understand a lot of things. My only hope is that this will be solved somehow, as soon as possible. My dad and big brother have some ideas about opening a business in Germany. Croatia is no longer an option for our new business once we get our money. I think Germany is a good option, as the quality of life is quite high there. And it’s a great country overall. Life in Croatia has lost all its meaning. Even though I was born and raised here, I’m only here because of my studies; nothing else. Speaking of studies, I find it super hard to start studying and get my work done. My head is simply full of so much stuff, and thoughts and fears it’s hard to sit down and study. I’m trying not to freak out and simply take it slow. I’m not giving up on my dreams, I just need to slow down so I don’t crash completely. So I will slow down, and hopefully, I will not be feeling guilty about it. I went to Kosovo this summer and my budget was the lowest ever. I didn’t even want to go but my cousin / best friend was getting married so I wanted to be there for her of course. Other than that, under these conditions, I wouldn’t have travelled anywhere. I was tired every day, physically and emotionally. I had fun and created some amazing memories, but I suffered too. It’s just hard, very hard and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m starting my job as an English teacher for kids soon. I will only be working one day a week in the beginning; that’s fine. I think I’ll look for another job and have two jobs so I can earn as much money as possible while going to university. There are a lot of expenses that I need to cover. I’m incredibly stressed but I think I’m handling this situation quite well. I’m trying to stay optimistic even though it feels like I’m lying to myself sometimes. I don’t know what’s gonna happen but I hope it will end well. Till then, I’ll try to do as much of what I love doing and keep myself in a good headspace. On a positive note, me and my childhood best friend that I went separate ways with about a year and a half ago, decided to give our friendship another try. I love her so much and I truly hope that from now on, we will only keep getting even better friends. I apologised for my words that I know hurt her. I apologised for a lot of things because I know I made a mistake. She apologised to me for her mistakes and explained the meanings behind some of her actions. I’m happy we were able to forgive each other and I’m glad we’re back and better than ever. An apology goes a long way, so instead of losing people, lose your egoistic walls and apologise when you need to. Life is messy at the moment but there are things worth fighting for so that’s why I have to keep going. There’s more to write about but this story is already all around the place. I met someone who seems quite different from everyone I’ve met in the past. We’ll see what happens. I just wanted to mention it in this story since that’s also one of the things that happened this month. If I had to do a feelings check,  I’d say I feel hurt, disappointed, hopeless and stressed. Still hoping we’ll figure things out soon. I feel a bit better for writing about all of this however, I do feel a heavy weight on my chest as I’m going through thoughts and emotions. I need to rest now, and I think that’s about it for today. Till next time. 

May peace find me and my family again soon. May peace find whoever gets to read this.

We got this, 

♡, Albesa. 

A word or two about self-respect

It’s quite strange to me how you can meet people, they become a part of your life for a certain time and then it’s all gone. Everyone I’ve ever met has left a piece of themselves with me. I remember what they told me, I remember their life stories, I even remember their birthdays and daily routines. Sometimes I wonder how I remember so many small details about people, they would probably freak out if they knew. But when it’s all gone, what do we do? I’m very good at detaching, and continuing to live my life, but letting go is as sad as it is relieving. Sad because these people become a part of your life, you share details about your day with them, and they do the same with you. You get used to them and then all of a sudden, you know nothing about their day anymore. You don’t know if they graduated, if they got that job they talked about, if they visited that one place they were planning to. But sometimes you just have to wish them well. There is a reason why you choose to let go, no matter how hard it may seem at the moment when you’re still very much attached to the person. The point of this story is to bring awareness to self-respect. Self-respect or self-love is the answer to everything. There is nothing that you can’t get over when you’re fully aware of your worth and qualities. Once again, there’s a reason why things end. That one person was simply not for you; apologies in advance if that sounds a little too harsh. Your body recognises who is good for you and who isn’t. The feeling that you get when someone is unsure of you is like no other, it leaves you confused, and questioning a lot of things; and ignoring it won’t change anything. An interested person will make the chemicals in your brain go crazy; in a good way. Instead of insisting, waiting, or staying where you don’t belong, revalue yourself and make a decision that is genuinely good for you. You might miss that one person for a certain time but as you start focusing on yourself more, satisfaction, joy and peace will occur, and you will love it so much!. As time passes by, you will know exactly why certain things happened. You will be at peace, doing your own thing, without holding grudges. So one last word; if you’re not fully respected, appreciated, loved and valued just the way you are- leave. If they make you feel bad in any way, or small, or not good enough in any way – leave. If they can’t make a decision, you make the decision; to leave. Do not tolerate. Leave and love yourself, it will all make so much sense after some time. And you will be so proud of yourself for choosing yourself. That’s your duty in life. And mine, and everyone else’s. Self-love first, everything else second. 

♡, A.

In the midst of a huge, mixed mess

I’ve missed you so much my dear journal. I hate myself for not writing more on here. It’s always on my mind and then I just leave it for some reason. Typing this feel so nice and refreshing for my mind and soul. This place is my favourite place. My happy place, my safe place, my sad place. A go to place no matter what I’m going through. What do I have to write about today? A lot of things are going on. So, so many things. From family problems, financial problems, to repairing a friendship with a long time best friend. I’m okay, but I’m also heartbroken, and sad, and happy, and hopeful and all sorts of different feelings. I don’t know what’s going. Let me tell you about my job first, because it’s a beautiful coincidence. About a month ago, I was doing some basic uni work, writing an essay or something, and I went to facebook to check something related to that. A facebook sponsored post popped up and oh god, how can I not believe that some things are simply  meant to be? The facebook sponsored post was about an English language school for children and teens, they were looking for new teachers. It was the last day to apply, and when I saw that post, it was already 8 PM. I read the post quickly because I was busy doing uni work, which was also due midnight and was thinking to myself ‘oh God, do I apply or what?’ I decided to to apply. I quickly wrote my motivational letter and CV and applied. I wasn’t expecting anything but I received a call the next morning. I was shocked! Long story short, I had to take this teaching training that they do, to train the future teachers (pretty obvious haha lol). I passed it, and now I’m a certified English teacher for children age 3-8. Can you imagine??? It blows my mind honestly. The teaching training was an amazing experience. I learned a lot, met new and amazing people and passed the training. Since I passed the training, I also got the job so I will be starting work in Septembers when the schools open. I’m now waiting for my diploma to arrive; I will stare at it all the time once it arrives haha! I’m so happy about that so yeah, that’s about this beautiful coincidence. The family situation is pretty much the same. Nothing has changed, we’re still waiting for the money so we can invest somewhere and open a new business. The situation has not been the greatest. It’s been hard, really hard but what is there to do? I’m trying to stay hopeful but not gonna lie, I’m not hoping anymore. I have a feeling we will not be getting that money. I don’t know. I can’t wait for all of this to be over because this is simply awful. Terrible. Moving on to another thing; my ex long term best friend called me about a week ago. We had been friends for about 10-11 years before I decided to go my separate way for multiple reasons. It was supposed to be just a phone call but we’ve been texting every day ever since. It’s so weird how we can still talk like we always have. It doesn’t feel like anything has changed. I know we need to talk in person, and I need to apologise for the way I ended the friendship, but as of now, it seems like we’re getting along like we always have. I don’t know. Me and her have always gotten along so well; we’re simply compatible as people. A lot of things have happened between us but I feel like there’s a chance for us to save the friendship. We hadn’t talked in almost a year and a half. A lot has changed in our lives. But we still love each other so much. We still get along so well. Isn’t it worth it to give it one last chance? I honestly don’t know what to say. We definitely need to apologise to each other first, and then see what happens. I hope there will be no more goodbyes. What else do I have to talk about? My best friend / cousin is getting married in a month. Can you imagine? She’s moving to another country, a 13 hour ride away from me. I’m gonna miss her so much, I already am. But I’m happy for her. She found her person, they found each other and now they’re live together and do life together. Isn’t that amazing? They are lucky to have found each other, especially in this day and age when people either don’t want commitment or are scared of it. Love, any type of it, if it feels real, it’s worth going for it. Follow your heart and see what happens. Life is short, and our time is limited, so when you really like someone, make sure to let them know. It’s something that never gets forgotten, which is scary but also pretty amazing. I think that’s about it for today’s story. More to come in the following days.

Till next time, stay safe and truthful.

Oh yeah, just remembered another thing: I got my vaccine! Feeling grateful for it. 

Anyway, that’s it. Bye for today!

♡, Albesa

The good, the bad, surviving and breathing

Monday / June 7, 2021

Every time I come on here, and see the new (not so new anymore actually) editor, I get mad; I just dislike it so much. Ugh.. Anyway,, I’ve been gone for a while. I haven’t been writing much, I haven’t been creating anything lately. I haven’t even felt like myself in a long time. I’m going through a hard and complex period of life, not only me but my family as well. I’ve been trying to write about it but it just end up with me closing all tabs and turning off the laptop.I get so overwhelmed by all the feelings that I get. I get mad, disappointed, angry…all sorts of heavy feelings. Sometimes I just don’t know what to do with all that burden. I don’t even know what to say. It’s been hard, really hard. I’ve given so much energy to people and things that for sure did not deserve it. I’m constantly surrounded by negativity, doubt, drama, conflicts. There’s no space to be in peace, to feel peace. My entire family is unemployed right now. It’s been months now and everyone is feeling miserable. I see them, I believe they’re having a hard time and it breaks my heart that I can’t do anything. My family is a little crazy, we’re all very different from each other, but it still hurts to see them feeling the way they feel. I, personally, have been feeling quite disconnected. It’s time to change that, it’s time to connect with myself again. I must say that I haven’t failed anything in this semester. I’ve completed all my homework and exams with great success and that makes me incredibly happy. Some of my homework has received great feedback and great grades. My ‘ethnic discrimination’ presentation was one of the best in my group, so I got invited to talk about it in front of the entire class (on camera). Ethnic (or any kind of) discrimination is something I’m very passionate about so it got real. That’s good news right there. Three hard exams are waiting for me; I’m scared but I’m hoping it will end well. What else do I have to talk about? You know, I met someone about two and a half months ago. I thought they were great and stuff and I still respect them but the connection is no longer there; I can feel it that something has changed. Even though I do like this person (not so much anymore actually) I understand that what I’m getting is not what I deserve. I’m way more committed and available. So, I decided to stop trying and let it go. I already feel better. I don’t want half-assed relationships. They damage me in so many ways, they make me question myself, doubt myself and all in all, I become a mess. I don’t need that in my life, no one does. Why am I writing all of this? Because I need to express myself, and my thoughts. And I also want to let you know that you always need to think long-term. Long-term wise, are you gonna be better with them or without them? Be honest with yourself and act accordingly. It’s hard but it must be done. If they’re not giving back the same energy, please get out of that situationship or whatever it is. It’s simply not worth it. You deserve someone who finds time to talk to you and ask you about your day. You deserve someone who is into you and shows it. Don’t settle because of an idealised version of someone that you’ve created in your head that in reality doesn’t exist. Let it go and return to yourself. Every ending is a new beginning, I’m amazed by how relieved I feel already. You might miss them sometimes but keep in mind why it was better to let them go. Live your life, mind your own journey and focus on those who give as much as they take. That’s what I always say to my friends, and you know, I really live by that. I take my own advice and I’d say it’s an important skill to develop and a quite underrated one. Taking your own advice can save you from a lot of  situations where you’re not fully respected or appreciated. Yay, me! Oh another thing. I applied for a job, a very interesting one. I was scrolling through Facebook and a sponsored post appeared on my feed. They were looking for an English teacher to teach little kids age 3-5. I applied a couple hours before the submissions were closed. I received a call the next morning and I couldn’t believe it. They asked me to send some kind of demo-video of me teaching the kids so I sent that today. Now I have to wait and see if I get the job or not. I would like to get it, I think I’d be good at it but we’ll see. There are a lot of things on my mind but I think it’s better to end this story here and write another one some other day. Last words for today: remember who the fuck you are because you’re genuinely great. I’m not doing so great right now, it’s been hard but I’m here, I’m breathing and I’ll be okay. And so will you..

May we get through all the hardships, and may we keep becoming the best versions of ourselves.

♡, Albesa

What’s been going on lately: short story

Tuesday / April 27, 2021

I’ve been gone for so long, oh my god. I don’t even know where to start this story. So much has been happening; intense, complicated things that I never thought I would deal with. I’ve already written about how my dad sold our family business and how it has affected our family. Little did I know it was about to become worse and worse. Family relationships are complicated. We’ve been told family is everything, family over everything, family this and family that but the truth is that family relationships require so much effort, so so much. We’re all so different, starting from my parents who were raised in a different country, under completely different circumstances. They both come from patriarchic families, and I’m pretty sure they’re both more concerned about my brothers (especially the older one who’s married and has a child now) than they are about my sisters. It seems like it, even though they neglect this every time I point it out. We’ve been fighting a lot. There are a lot of things I’m not okay with, ”but what is there to do?”, I ask myself. As long as I’m under their roof, this is the life I get. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful for my parents and the fact that I have a home, but a lot of things inside this home are dysfunctional and that’s what bothers me and creates negative feelings inside of me. I choose to stay at my parents house because I’m a student. I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to make enough money to provide for myself; a place to stay, food, education costs. I sound selfish, but I’m being honest. If I wasn’t in school, I would’ve gotten a  job a long time ago and left home. I just think it’s the best thing to do for myself and my mental health. I was in Kosovo for a month, where we also have a home. A lot of unexpected things happened, and when I say unexpected, believe me, I mean it. I was there for a month, only with my grandma. I had my own space, my own peace, away from the daily family dramas that I’m surrounded by every single day when I’m in Croatia. Coming back to Croatia because my university practice was about to start (it hasn’t started yet, I can’t wait though!!!), my mental health was getting gradually worse, day by day. I was a complete mess a couple days ago. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I felt like an absolute disaster. I feel a tiny bit better now but still not okay really. Besides being mentally exhausted, I’m also physically sick. I hope it’s not corona virus round two because that would be the cherry on top. I need to be healthy so I can at least leave the house and go for a walk freely. I also want to start going to the gym because it’s about time I regain my health once for all. I want to have a healthy body, which will then help maintain a healthy mind and the bonus that I get is being satisfied with the way I look. I used to have a problem with binge eating for about seven years. I have somehow solved that problem and now I’m about 8 kg lighter than I was at this time last year. The things is that I’m still very insecure about everything. I don’t understand it sometimes. It’s just hard, really hard. I question myself all the time, I doubt myself all the time. I’m always so stressed about how I may sound to people who don’t know me. I wish I could just breathe and not overthink every, and I mean every tiny little thing I do. I always feel like explaining myself. I wish I could just be, and not feel the need to explain or justify anything about my being. It’s so tiring. It affects creating new relationships so much. Only when I’m getting to know someone new do I realise how much I still have to work on myself. I feel like my insecurities keep me in a cage; because of that I can’t be free and just be my natural self. I’m very self-aware but then again, I’m know I don’t appreciate myself enough nor do I know my worth. The first relationship that I have to nourish is the one with myself, only then will the rest of them feel good. That’s what I have to achieve. I should not question myself like this on a daily basis. There’s so much more to say, but for today, I think this is where I’ll stop. I’ll go listen to some music and try not to overthink, which I also struggle with on a daily basis. Right now, I think it’s obvious that I’m a mess. I hope it won’t last for too long. 

May I receive some light soon; I deserve it. 

♡ Albesa  

 

INTERNATIONAL WOMEN’S DAY

May all women get the chance:
to be exactly who they want to be
to educate themselves
to work their dream jobs
to fulfill their potential
to love whoever they want to love. 

May all women feel:
capable
smart
empowered
incomparable
and unique.

May all women be seen for:
their mindsets
their presence
their energy
their ideas;
the way they think
the way they love
the way they exist.

May a woman’s external beauty
become just a tiny bit
of what the society
praises her for.

Happy International Women’s Day,
may we stand together,
encourage each other and
get better and better
every single day.

♡ A.

When the time to let go comes

A letter dedicated to everyone who’s trying to love themselves more than the other person;

I know you’ve poured love, time and attention into this strange thing that you thought was special, but ended like it was nothing; before it even started properly. I know you’ve given so much of yourself into creating a path that was meant to be for two people but you somehow ended walking all by yourself through it. I’m not trying to take away your sadness, or tell you that you shouldn’t be sad. You’re allowed to be sad. I’m not trying to tell you that it’s not worth it, or some other common words that people say while trying to console us. I’m trying to let you know that you’re not alone, and that there’s someone out there who is willing to listen to you talk about the same thing over and over again, a million times and never make you feel like ‘it’s time to get over it.’ We don’t just get over things, please take your time. There’s no need to rush anywhere. Take your time to rest, heal, and find light again. Take some time to reflect on yourself, and what you need at the moment. Days like these exist, and they’re tricky. We get stuck between the heart, and the brain and those two at times want two completely different things. So what can we do? What’s the solution? That little voice that talks to you, listen to it. It’s your inner voice that’s almost never wrong. If it tells you to walk away, please do so. You keep trying to see only the good in people, you keep trying to find reasons to keep them in your life, but a proper thing doesn’t require trying that hard, to the point where you feel tired more than anything else. You deserve better. You don’t deserve to be confused, wondering whether this person is telling you the truth or not. Whether you’re important to them or not. If you’re constantly questioning whether someone cares about you or not, the answer is already pretty clear. And I’m sorry. These words might not be easy to hear, but the ones who love you need to remind you of some things that you want to forget. You’ve done more than enough. You can’t keep people in your life being the only one who’s trying. You can’t keep giving if you never get anything in return. So let go of what makes you tired, of what keeps taking and taking from you, because at some point, you’ll start feeling like there’s nothing left in you. And knowing how full of love, beautiful energy, and respect you are, ending up feeling empty might be the most devastating thing. 

You deserve better. 

♡ Albesa

(Originally written for my cousin who I love so dearly; I thought I’d be a good idea to share with the people of my journal)

‘You care too much’

I’ve always been the one to care more, to care so much in such an intense way. I don’t necessarily hate that about myself, but I don’t necessarily like it either. You know why? Because I could care so much about someone and that still doesn’t guarantee anything. I could care so much about someone and still have to let them go; for my own sake. I’ve gotten taken for a fool, so many times in my life, by so many different people who meant a lot to me. My trust has been taken for granted, the second chances that I’ve given were taken for granted. I’ve been told I was too naive, too nice, too soft, too caring. And at some point in my life, I got really annoyed by it. I thought I had to change because being caring wasn’t taking me anywhere. I was annoyed by the fact that I always wanted to know how someone was doing, and I was annoyed because they probably didn’t care that much about how I was doing. But I’m constantly reminding myself of one thing: that’s them, that’s how they function. And I’m not them. There were moments when I let the critics get into my head which led to me trying to be a bit colder. There were moments when I tried to seem like I cared less than I actually did. But it only made me feel worse; because that’s simply not who I am. When someone is a part of my life, I want to know about their day, in small details preferably. I want to know everything they’re comfortable sharing. I want to know what’s going on with them. I want to know if I can help in any way. That’s me. Sometimes they will do the same for me and sometimes they won’t. Letting them go might hurt for a bit, but you get through it. The thing is that you don’t have to be like me and I don’t have to be like you. And it doesn’t mean one of us sucks or one is better than the other. We’re both just fine. Being more caring and less caring is both fine. Why can’t we criticize a little less and be respectful towards each other a little more? No matter what kinda person you are, the goal is to show the people that you care about them while they’re in your life, not when they leave. Let people know you appreciate them. Do your part. What happens next or how they react is out of your control; what matters the most is that you stay true to yourself, no matter how other people might percieve it. 

Our differences might take us in two different directions, but the respect between us can exist no matter where we end up. 

♡ Albesa  

First messy story of 2021 (what a surprise)

Wednesday / January 28, 2021

I can’t sleep. I feel the urge to write, to express myself, to relieve myself, to let my thoughts go. I feel the need to talk about my thoughts and my fears. A lot is going on and it seems like I can never catch a breath. There is constantly something taking my peace away. Me and my family are in a very complicated place in life right now. We have no idea what’s gonna happen next. We’re stressed, getting on each other’s nerves all the time, fighting all the time and what not. It’s intense. My dad felt obligated to sell the business where he had been working and managing the last 20 years. That business is where my parents have found stability in a foreign country, and for that I am forever grateful. I am grateful I had a stable childhood. We’re looking for a new business opportunity right now. It’s hard; especially during these covid times. I can’t do much; I guess I have to try and stay optimistic and hope for the best. Hope that some day soon, we will feel stable again. Sometimes I forget that all of this happened and so when I rememeber it, my stomach turns into a real mess. I feel like throwing up every time I remember the things that have happened in the past 6 months. I’m sad knowing that my parents don’t have a job for the first time in their lives. I’m devastated, but what is there to do? I’m in Kosovo right now, where I thought I’d feel a little better since I’m away from everything going on in Croatia but honestly, I think I’m even more stressed. I can’t stay calm due to uncertainty. There are many things going on for sure and what is there to do besides write? Write until my chest feels a bit lighter. On a good note, I visited my grandma’s grave a few days ago. I cried my heart out and it was much needed! I miss her so much, oh my god. I talked to her about so many things, and I have no idea if she’s somewhere around or not, but I like to believe she is. She is my hope, my light and my guardian angel. Also, I once wrote a story about how I went separate ways from a long time best friend. We found the way back to each other and I couldn’t be happier about it. I’m so happy to see that people are willing to grow and learn from their mistakes. I’m happy when people survive their darkest days and start taking control over their life again. I appreciate an honest apology more than anything and there’s nothing more amazing than feeling respected and appreciated by someone who you thought you were over with. Cheers to re-establishing new friendships with old people, who have learned and grown and shown that they’re worth a second chance. I wish everyone could do that but unfortunately, sometimes we have to move on without the apologies that we deserve. Moving on to the next topic: A lot of people ask me about boys and dating and romance and to be honest, I’ve never really written much about it but let me touch on that topic a little bit. I’m 23 and by this age, the majority of the people have had some kind of romantic experience; but I haven’t. I’ve never been very intrested in dating and meaningless encounters. I’ve always known what I wanted when it comes to romance, and it hasn’t changed; a deep connection with a deep and real person who isn’t afraid to show their authentic self, who isn’t afraid to call me out when I’m wrong, but does that in a kind and respectful way. Someone who is genuinely a kind person, with morals, ethics and standards. Someone  who can tell me their story, and listen to mine too. And that, I haven’t met yet, which is why I don’t have a romantic experience to tell. And I refuse to just get myself into something meaningless. That’s simply not who I am, or who I’ll ever be. I like to believe I don’t have trust issues, but I do. Sometimes I question if I’m being too idealistic, but I’m not. I know what I’d prefer for myself is rare, but it exists. And if the universe wants it to, it will somehow find me. Or I’ll find it. But I know one thing for sure, when something is there, you just know. And when something isn’t there, you also know. For real, you will know everything, so breathe and keep going through life doing your own thing because at the end of the day, the most important relationship you can ever have is the one you have with yourself, so nourish it. Every day, all the time. 

A story all over the place, as per usual.

All my love,

♡ Albesa  

Re-connecting with myself

Wednesday / December 23, 2020

I have no idea why it has taken me so long to sit down and write a story. I love doing this, I love it so much. I feel like my most authentic self when I write and create. But I’ve been feeling kinda lost, kinda disconnected from a lot of things, not neccessarily bad but not good either which I believe happens to a lot of people from time to time. I’ve been going back and forth, healing and hurting. My relationship with my mental health has gotten so good this year, I’m really happy with my growth and the ways I’ve learned to look at things. Even though anxiety is pretty much a part of my every day life, I’ve noticed that I’ve gotten much more calm than I used to be. I’ve been taking deep breaths, and encouraging myself instead of speaking negatively about myself. I’ve been reminding myself of my qualities more often, and it feels really great, it’s a breath of fresh air when you quit constantly criticising yourself. But I can’t deny that I’ve been feeling weird and disconnected lately. I just don’t know how to put it into words. When it’s pouring rain, you either run so you don’t get soaking wet or start smiling cuz you love it; I’m at place where I wouldn’t even notice that it has started raining in the first place. I’ve been way too in my head lately, too many things are on my mind. My family, my grandma, my exams, my body image and relationship with food. The situation at home is a bit intense, I’ve been fighting with my sister more than usually. The way they react to certain things, I think a lot of it has to do with their emotions that maybe haven’t come to the surface yet. I’m trying to give them space and not be nosey about everything that goes on in their lives, however, I must say that everything that I want to know about them is because I care about them and want to see them doing good. I know I’m overprotective, and I’m aware it can be annoying sometimes, because at the end of the day, I’m not some kind of superhero that can save everyone from the tinniest problems. I honestly think I must stop thinking that everyone needs my help, or that I constantly need to save someone from something. I unfortunately can’t prevent my loved ones from getting hurt, and I must understand that. Pain is inevitable throughout life. I need to be there for my loved ones when they actually need me, not when I assume they need me, which is very often. I’ve been looking at this from a different perspective and I don’t think being overprotective is a bad trait, I just think I need to let go of the idea that everyone needs me all the time. I started developing this trait about 7 years ago, when my mental health issues started getting more and more severe. I was in pain myself, and knowing how it felt, I didn’t want my loved ones to experience pain like I had been experiencing it. But as I said, pain, heartbreaks, disappointments are inevitable, and everyone deals with their pain differently, so I guess I just have to hold on to what I do surely know; just like I survived, just like I’ve found ways to live with my pain, they will too, and maybe the best way for them to do that is by themselves, which right now, I fully accept. In the meantime, I’m going to focus on maintaining a positive self-talk, encouraging mindset, writing more, taking more pictures, baking more desserts, and understanding my true feelings about a couple other things that have been on my mind lately. I’m glad I finally sat down and just wrote whatever was coming to my mind. I feel re-connected with myself and I definitely needed that! Til next time, stay safe!

All my love,

♡ Albesa  

After my grandma passed away

Saturday / November 28, 2020

I struggled to feel anything properly. I’ve struggled to write about anything besides my grandma. I struggled to express myself in any way, shape or form. Sometimes it seems like I’m not able to feel joy anymore. I struggled to stand on my feet. I struggled to do anything. I’m constantly looking for signs that she’s somewhere around. When I’m having a hard time, I ask her to shine some light on me; and it somehow gets easier. Is it her? Is it my imagination? I really don’t know. After my grandma passed away, chaotic things happened; one thing after another. In a year and a half, I lost more people than I ever thought I could. I lost my grandpa not so long ago too. The rest I lost due to lack of respect, compassion, support. Thankfully, they’re alive and maybe some day, we’ll find a common ground. I still have lots of love for them. It’s so hard, but I try to hold on to what she always used to tell me: You are so sweet. You are so smart. You are so capable. My grandma was my support system since I was a little child. They told me I was a complicated kid in my early childhood. I was just too curious. I asked too many questions. No one wanted to deal with me, besides my grandma who would take me by the hand and take me to her garden where she would show me her tomatoes, her cucumbers, her onions. I was fascinated by it all because growing up in a city, I had never seen how fruits and vegetables grow. She would take me to her little farm and tell me about her cows Lara and Balusha and how she feeds them. How come I was not a complicated child when I was with my grandma? My grandma and I just knew how to understand each other. I refused to go to sleep with anyone else but her. I grew up and became a good student, a non problematic child, a polite and kind human being who constantly tries to do and be better and my grandma never neglected that. In an environment where I got criticized for every little thing about me, my grandma was the only one to remind that there was nothing wrong with me. My grandma was magical. And I miss her dearly, every single day. It never gets eaiser, you just learn how to live missing people. I’m starting to feel other feelings other than sadness. I’m studying again, I’m getting out of the house. I’m trying not to get consumed by grief. I’m think I’m getting better in all areas of life. I became an aunt the other day. I felt joy, immense joy. I’m trying to find light. I’m trying to create something out of my life. Little by little. I’m not rushing anywhere. I’m learning to take my time and space without apologizing. I’m trying to find a way to live with my pain. I’ve found some kind of consolation in being grateful. I celebrate every little thing. I celebrate every exam that I pass. When I don’t pass, I’m grateful that I get to go to school, fail and take another exam. I celebrate every meal that comes out tasty. I celebrate my family, best friends and their growth. I celebrate everyone, even the ones who I no longer have a connection with. I’m rooting for everyone, like my grandma is rooting for me. Somewhere from afar, where I (you) can’t even see.

Keep going. 

♡ Albesa 

A reminder to enjoy your life more

Friday / October 30, 2020

I’m writing this from my bed where I’ve been laying for about a week now due to corona virus. I got tested a few days ago and unfortunately, it’s positive. To say that I’m bored is an understatement. Not only bored, but also extremely demotivated and very anxious about all the work that I have to catch up on. The first couple of days were awful. Severe headache, sore throat, blocked nose, fever, pain in my muscles and what not. I feel a little better now but I’m still recovering. I’m exhausted, physically, emotionally and mentally. As I said, I’m extremely demotivated, it’s super hard to imagine myself being productive right now. I’m feeling quite miserable, but I guess I’ll get better as my health comes back.  It’s just that I really can’t catch a break. It’s one thing after another, constantly, all the time. I’m never in peace. There’s always some sort of turbulence happening to me or around me. I think it’s quite natural to feel the way I feel giving the circumstances. Life can get really tough. These two last years have been the hardest and the most transformative years of my life. Something was happening all the time. Hard stuff; that takes time to process and accept. But I’m here. I survived, and I’ll survive this too. It’s not easy, however, I’m happy and grateful that I’m recovering and that I’ll be able to go back to my usual life soon. I’m trying to see and understand the lessons this situation can teach me. There are a bunch of things coming to my mind, particularly this one: we tend to have that ‘nah, it won’t happen to me’ mindset but let me just tell you something; oh hell yeah it will! It might happen to you, whatever it is that you think it won’t. Be careful, take into consideration that we’re all just humans, non of us is superior to one another. We don’t enjoy life enough, thinking that we have time and all this future ahead of us. We care too much about things that are simply not healthy for us; for example: what will people think? We don’t know what tomorrow brings, will I notice my health getting worse? Will I get better and then get hit by a car a couple days later? I know I sound extremely pesimisstic but only when we have things like these happen to us do we realize that we really do waste our lives away worrying too much and enjoying too little. Live your life and learn to live with that uncomfortable feeling that comes with the question ‘what will people think of me’? I’m learning, slowly but surely. For example, I’ve made huge progress with talking openly about mental health on Instagram, where people who know me personally follow me. They might me thinking ‘what is she talking about’, ‘what’s wrong with her’, ‘why is she suffering’ etc, etc. It gets uncomfortable, of course, but I need to stop trying to control how what I post might appear to other people. Everyone will take it differently. Some might be confused, some might be delighted. And what I can do and choose to do is let them be, and think. Whatever they want. And I do the same for myself. As long as my intentions are pure and I’m doing what I love, I’ll be just fine, even when questioning if someone from instagram thinks I’m lame. Their opinion, at the end of the day; it doesn’t have to stop me. Or you, or anyone. 

Til next time,

♡ Albesa 

From corona virus to narcissism

Wednesday / October 28, 2020

I’ve been sick for the last couple of days; very sick. I’ve been having terrible headaches, I have a sore throat, my nose is blocked and my entire body hurts. I don’t know if it’s my veganism or something else, but I really never get sick. I don’t want to sound too dramatic, however, for someone who never gets sick, this is dramatic. Now, getting sick wouldn’t be that big of a deal for me if it wasn’t right when corona virus is spreading more than ever. I got tested today (yesterday in fact, as it’s past midnight now). I’ll have to wait up to 48 hours to get my results. The testing itself wasn’t that bad, but I must admit I’m afraid of it being positive. Staying at home, in my room for 14 days would make me quite miserable as I’m someone who needs at least one walk a day to help soothen my anxiety. I have a house full of people and they would all have to be in isolation as well.  My sister in law, who’s mostly in our house, is in her last weeks of pregnancy so yeah, it wouldn’t be too great for her to get infected. I have a feeling it’s negative, but who knows. I’m not in track with anything at the moment, literally anything. There is so much work I have to catch up on; academic and personal. I will, I say, let me just be healthy again. On days like these, you just want that, health. We take it for granted; I know I do. Sometimes I stress about something so much, and only now when I’m at risk and don’t know what’s going on do I realize how silly I can be sometimes. I really need to stop beating myself up so much. I need to stop feeling guilty for literally everything. I will study, I will clean my room, I will do this, I will do that, I will do everything, but eventually. Non of it is running away, and neither am I. I’ll do it all and it will be just fine; I really need to understand that. Oh btw; I talked to someone who I thought was great but turned out to be a very narcissistic person. I thought this person and I were building a solid friendship but I ended up feeling like I gave too much and gained nothing. But your girl has learned to say no and set boundaries. I said no, and I said bye. I will be writing a more in depth story on my experiences with narcissistic people and what I’ve learned from those relationships. What I have to say for now is this: trust your instinct, don’t ignore red flags, gut feelings are real and most importantly, respect yourself, a l w a y s!

Until the next story, please keep your distance, be responsible, stay safe and take care of yourself and the people around. Wishing everyone a corona free time, haha, lol (lame).

♡ Albesa 

 

Never-ending challenges

Thursday / October 22, 2020

I have so much to say and express yet I feel stuck in my own mind. I feel like I don’t really know how to express myself anymore. I try and I try but I can’t seem to find the proper words, the words that come close to how I’m feeling. I’ve been feeling miserable. I’ve been feeling anxious. I constantly have to do something. Study harder, take care of my eating habits, take care of this, take care of that. I really need a break. But how do I take a break? All of these things are constantly on my mind, I feel like I’m failing; every day. I feel like I’m not doing enough. And last but not least; I feel like I’m wasting my life. I rarely have fun. I never go out. I’m having troubles being around people again, so staying at home seems like the easiest option. I was doing so good with my eating habits, but this past month, I’ve noticed myself reaching for food out of boredom, which is what I struggled with for years. I don’t wanna go down that path again. It’s dark and scary. I must not let myself feel discouraged the moment I get challenged by those old patterns. I must stand tall and say ‘no’ to everything that causes me damage. Life feels all over the place right now. Unexpected things are happening. Our family business will no longer be ours in two months. God knows what’s gonna happen; will we open a new business and be somewhat successful? Is it gonna work? There are many questions in my head. I hate uncertainity. I guess I’ll have to wait and see. My fears are creeping in again but I guess it’s gonna be okay. Fingers crossed.

Til’ next time

♡ Albesa 

The best story ever (confronting my fears, having hard conversations, becoming healthier, and moving on)

Monday / September 28, 2020.

I’ve been writing a journal since I was 16. At the age of 19, almost four years ago, I created this blog that I also call journal. I was a miserable journalism student, feeling stuck, feeling lost, battling depression and anxiety while studying something I thought I liked but actually wasn’t for me at all. It’s been a wild ride. I haven’t stopped writing on here ever since. This journal has been with me through it all; the awful days, the empty days and the better days. I’ve written in so many of stories, how I wish I had something nice to say, how I wish I didn’t have so many sad things to write about, how I wish I didn’t have to write about my fears all the time. I don’t regret any of those stories, however, I’m so glad this day to write about something beautiful has finally come. Dear journal, today’s story is probably the best story I’ve ever written; here we go. So, as I said, I’ve written about my depression, anxiety, fears, and family dramas so much. After living in constant fear of family devastation, fear of failure, fear of incapability due to mental illness, I’m happy to say that I’ve made a huge step towards making peace with my fears. I dared to confront my dad and ask him about something I had known for almost seven years which had been one of the key factors of my depression ever since I’ve found out about it. I was so afraid of talking about it, asking questions about it, thinking it would only cause even more damage. But about a week ago, without even planning it, I did it. I openly talked about it. I asked questions, I asked what I wanted to know. And I survived. Nothing bad happened. What my dad told me was quite expected, I’m not surprised, but things are more clear to me now anyway, even though I didn’t really get the answers I needed. My mom didn’t know about any of this, I never told her because I didn’t want her to be upset, but I had that talk with her too. Keeping it a secret from her had been haunting me for years, and even though I was forced to tell her otherwise someone else was about to do it, I’m actually glad it happened. I’m still traumatised by that day and how I had to tell her but I’m here, I’m alive, my mom is alive, and I don’t have to be afraid of her finding out about it from someone else and being even more hurt. Things have been hard, but now that I’ve confronted two huge things that were causing me pain, I feel like I can finally start to breathe freely again. I feel like I finally, after all these years, don’t have to think about all of those things every single day. I can finally discover how nice can one simple day be. What a luxury. On to another huge thing; I passed my exams! I left my first university due to depression back in 2017. My mental illness was very severe and I was not able to study. That was three years ago, I’m not in that place in life anymore but the fear of being incapable still remains. To this day, I’m still terrified of being in such a bad mental state, being depressed to the point where my brain is completely blank, having awful memory. To this day, the thought of not being able to study, learn and process new information which I need in order to graduate and pursue my dream of becoming a social worker still terrifies me and it’s something that’s devastating for me. But I passed!! It was hard as hell but oh my god, I passed! My fears are the product of my past experiences, my traumas. But after those hard conversations and confrontations, after passing my exams, I think I can finally start to believe in myself a little more again. I think I’m finally able to see that I’m really not in that dark place in my life anymore. I’ve gotten better. I really have. I can’t believe it, but actions speak for themselves. I wasn’t brave enought to do any of these things a year ago; my anxiety creating terrifying scenarios in my head would always take over me and stop me from doing what I needed to do so badly. But I feel that I’m healthier now. I’m not in 2017, studying something I dislike anymore. I was terrified when I started school again this time last year. But I made it, year one of school of social work is done. Year two starts in a couple hours. I can’t believe it. I’m worried about a ton of things, but my soul feels less heavy. I still need to process everything. All of this is just too good to be true; that’s how it seems. It took me two years of therapy to learn to accept things, to stop trying to control every little thing about my life, to try again, to challenge myself to get out of my comfort zone, explore my options, have hard conversations, set boundaries and much more. Two years of intense inner work. And it’s all paying off. It truly does get better. Here’s to having hard conversations that we’ve avoided for the longest time, here’s to confronting friends, family members and everyone who hasn’t treated you nicely, here’s to trying again in school, at work, hobby or whatever you’ve been afraid of. Here’s to becoming healthier versions of ourselves.

Thank you to my grandma for being my source of strength through whatever life puts me through.

Thank you to my best friends who have gone through it all with me even though they had their own struggles.

Thank you to my sisters who make living at home easier and always have my back.

And last but not least, thank you to my amazing therapist who has done an amazing job helping me see beyond my fears, traumas, and limitations I created in my head. We make an awesome team.

Til next time,

♡ Albesa 

I’m not doing good right now

Wednesday / September 16, 2020

I can’t help but start this story by expressing how much I dislike the new WordPress editor. I loved the old one so much, the new one is just weird and complicated. I have only one question; WHY?! I wish that was my only problem though, but nope, hehe, I’m honestly lost in all my worries, struggles and thoughts. I’m trying not to make a tragedy out of everything that life throws at me, but sometimes I just can’t help it. I try to tell myself ”it’s okay, it’s okay” but the truth is that, it’s not okay. I’m not okay, very often. I’m not okay with a lot of things. Sometimes I feel like I’m over everything, and the next day, I wake up heartbroken all over again. Healing takes a long time, I know. And I know I’m trying as hard as I can. It has not been easy for me, especially not over the past year and a half, after my grandma died. I get exhausted very quickly. My emotional pain has started to cause me physical pain too. Everything inside of a human being is so connected, it’s surreal. I believe a lot of you have tried to sleep for hours and hours and still woke up feeling tired. It’s because of what you carry in your mind my dear people. A tired mind equals a tired body. So what do we do? I have no idea. Maybe sit with our emotions for a little bit? Maybe try not to get rid of them for a little bit? Take deep breaths? Write it out, let it out? This helps me so much. I love writing so much because it’s my form of getting rid of the heavy weight that sometimes gets a little too comfortable on my chest. I don’t have the exact words to say how it feels but writing about it like this helps. It helps to just express that I’m not doing good right now. The ‘right now’ part is very important, because it describes only the current situation, not excluding the possibility of getting better someday soon. I’m not feeling my best today, however, I will keep hoping for a better tomorrow. Sometimes I’m done and find it hard to see any light, but I’ve got my angel up there that I must not disappoint. Three angels, in fact, that shine light on me. Even though they’re not here anymore, out of everything I have in life, right now, they’re what keeps me going the most and for that, I’m forever grateful. Now off to pull and all-nighter, your girl has an exam in the morning. Til next time!

To my grandparents; I love you and I miss you.

Thank you.

♡ Albesa 

Missing grandma

Thursday / September 3, 2020

I wish I could hug and kiss my grandma one more time. I wish I could hear her soft voice one more time. I wish I could hold her warm hands one more time. I wish I could have her tell me that it’s gonna be fine one more time. Just one more time. My grandma was light in a human form. She was everything to me. On hard days like these, I miss her so terribly. I miss her every day, but on hard days like these, it gets extremely tough. I miss her so much, I start wishing for things that will never come true. But I can’t help it. I can’t help but let my imagination do its thing. She enjoyed being in the sun, so I imagine us chatting about life on a sunny day. She was always there, to listen, to make me feel better, to make me feel loved. She was always there to remind me that someone believed in me and was rooting for me. I believe that nothing has changed. She’s far away now but her spirit lives close to me. She will have a home wherever I go.

Angel on the sky, I will never stop writing about you. You mean the absolute world to me.

I miss you and I love you so much.

♡ Albesa 

3:55 AM, anxiety and kind reminders

Wednesday / September 2, 2020

I’m going through another crisis; this too shall pass. These feelings are hard to live with, but it will pass. These feelings are with me today, but tomorrow, maybe they will slowly start to walk away. These feelings make it harder to breathe but it will eventually become easier. These feelings are not my entire life. These thoughts are a product of my fear, and my fear is always worse than reality. I still don’t know what tomorrow, and the day after that will bring. I guess I have to keep breathing and see what happens. This is not easy, but I will survive. This time, and every time. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

♡ Albesa 

ps: check on your loved ones and let them know how much they mean to you

All over the place

Wednesday / August 26, 2020

I’ve noticed myself feeling more and more lost. I haven’t written a proper story in a long time. I haven’t really expressed my emotions in a long time. I feel like I’m losing myself a little bit, and it doesn’t feel good at all. So many things have happened in the last 3 months, very heavy and hard things. My grandma died last year, my grandpa died two months ago, the situation at home isn’t the best, I’m not doing great either. I spent a month at home in Kosovo hoping it would help me, and it did, but once I came back home to Croatia, I noticed my mental health getting worse and worse day by day. I don’t have the energy to do anything. I can’t stop sleeping because of how tired and exhausted I am. I don’t really know how to help myself. I see my mom isn’t doing great either and it breaks my heart. She lost both of her parents. There’s nothing I can do, I know, and sitting with that fact is just so hard for me because I’m always the one who’s looking for solutions. I have three exams left to pass. I’m hoping for the best but expecting the worst. I wish I could put in the work properly and be sure that things are gonna turn out fine, but that’s not the case at the moment. I’m still gonna try my best; I’m gonna study as hard as I can. My cousin who is also my best friend got engaged and is moving to Germany next year. My other best friend is moving to Germany too, but in a month and a half. I’m just thinking how much I’m gonna miss both of them. They’re a big part of my life and I truly don’t know how my life is gonna feel knowing that I can’t see them whenever I want to. Still happy for them and the opportunities they’ll get once they move. I guess we’ll be fine. Things are just weird at the moment. Everything feels a little weird. Also, I’m getting myself into something that I’ve never experienced before. I don’t want to talk about it too much, but I eventually will if I see it’s worth it. Not sure how I feel about it at the moment, I’ll see over the next couple weeks / months. I don’t really know what to write anymore. This story is all over the place, but that’s how I’ve been feeling anyway. May I find strength to keep going and do my best no matter the struggles.

Love and light,

♡ Albesa 

How we unintentionally help each other

Wednesday / August 5, 2020

I often wonder who I am, who I’m not, and what makes me who I am. I often think about who I would’ve been if certain things didn’t happen, if I didn’t meet certain people, if I didn’t go through the challenges that to this day feel heavy when I think about it. I think too much, and I worry too much. I find it hard to just be in peace. Sometimes it gets so messy that I even wonder ”can I even feel peace anymore?” But there are some random, short moments of peace that I sometimes find myself in. They only last for a minute, but that minute is long enough to take me to another world, where for a minute, I’m not worried, sad, stressed about a single thing. And it feels so, I don’t even know, strange? I’m not used to being in peace. I’m not used to pausing. I’m used to being in a constant rush; I don’t know where. I’m used to being under constant pressure, to do this, to do that. Always stuck in-between ‘I have to’ and ‘I should’. I’m learning to slow down. I’m not the only one. I recognize it around me all the time. But when it comes to other people, it seems like I almost instantly know what to say, I instantly know how to help. But what about myself? Where am I rushing and why? I get told that my words help and that I make perfect sense. I get told that I’m a good listener. I get told that I’m trustworthy. But let me tell you something: I almost never make sense to myself. I try and try and try to understand myself, why I still think a certain way sometimes, or why I still worry so much even if my fears rarely come true nowadays. But I know what it’s about; it’s always the same thing. I’m worried because I’m terrified of loss. I’m afraid of failure. I’m afraid of not being able to achieve my dreams. I’m afraid of being miserable. I have fears because I’ve experienced everything that I’m afraid of. It’s a day to day kinda thing to be okay with all of it. I can’t imagine some of it happening again. Whoever I talk to, I talk about it openly. I hate how people feel alone when it comes to these kinds of things. I’m not alone, none is. I love how surprised people get when they hear about some of these struggles. ‘You?! What?! But you seem to have it all together!’ Hah! I do have it together, but I also don’t. Am I fine, am I not fine? As I said, it’s a day to day kinda thing. I’ve stopped trying to define myself. Sometimes it hurts all over again, and sometimes I go about my day completely carefree. At this point, I think that’s how you actually live with certain things. I also love how others tend to see me as successful and strong and absolutely capable. It helps to see myself from someone else’s perspective. It reminds me of the fact that my reality is so much brighter than my fears make me think. We help each other in many ways. By being open about different things, I might have helped some of you feel more understood. I’m not always right, especially not when my fears take over, and with your perspective of me, you might have helped me remind myself that I’m doing better than I’m aware of. We both listened and we were both heard; which is sometimes, all the help that we need. 

Talk to each other. 

♡ Albesa 

 

I’ll just let myself breathe

Saturday / August, 1 2020

I haven’t written anything in over a month. That’s a long, long time to go without writing for someone who’s routine is to discuss every little thing with their journal. I’ve been in Kosovo for a month now. Today is my last night here, I’m sitting on my mom’s bed, trying to write while I’m still here. I’ve had 30 days to write something, but I didn’t. These past 30 days have been overwhelming; to say the least. Most days, I’ve struggled to recognize how I was feeling. I’ve struggled to express myself. I’ve let my emotions and thoughts run around my head and heart since that’s the only thing I could do. I still don’t know how I’m feeling, but it’s a lot. At this exact moment, I think I have to take a step back and breathe. I might have to continue this story some other day. Right now, I don’t even know what say. My grandpa died. I was in the middle of writing a story when I got the news. I haven’t had the courage nor strength to come back here and try to write again. It was a rainy night, and I take rain as a sign that grandma’s around. Maybe she was trying to say that she was starting to feel lonely since it’s been over a year since she passed away and last saw her best friend. I don’t know. Sometimes I feel crazy for thinking that way but if feeling crazy helps with the pain, I take it. My grandpa was a great man, trustworthy and so, so hardworking. I wish I could write something more but it’s like my brain has been switched off; no words won’t come out, I can’t think of anything. I miss both of my grandparents so much. Right now, I can’t seem to be able to say or write anything; so I’ll just let myself breathe. And feel; whatever it is. 

Til’ next time,

♡ Albesa 

 

Rooting for myself (a challenge to make me appreciate myself more)

Sunday / June 21, 2020.

My stories usually start with something that’s hurting me, bothering me, or something that is simply not doing me any good. I’ve wanted to sit down and write this for myself for the longest time. Here’s the thing; I always talk about my growth and progress but it always comes after I mention a million things that hurt me in the past or still hurt me. I tend to be way too hard on myself so I hope this will challenge me to appreciate and remind myself of just how much I’ve gone through and how it made me the person that I am today; which really isn’t that bad at all. Wow, did I just say something positive about myself??? Today, I finally decided to sit down and write about my growth and see how aware I am of it. I’m curious to read this story when it’s finished; here we go. So, even though I’ve managed to become kinder to myself over the years, I’m still a very self-critical person. I still underestimate myself. I often forget how many rare qualities I possess. I often forget how kind, compassionate and loving I am. I often catch myself thinking about the times when I knew better but just didn’t do it. I still think of the times when I said something that I didn’t necessarily mean. I still think about my past college experience and my depression during that time, and wonder if there was a way to make it but I just didn’t try hard enough. I wonder if I could’ve been more effective and functional even with my depression. Now that I’m writing this, I think I’ve done a pretty good job. Let’s start with the fact that I’ve been depressed since 2014 when I was 16 years old. A lot of heavy things were happening at that time and unfortunately, I got sick. That’s why I started writing a journal, it’s how I cope(d) with my thoughts and feelings. Despite my depression, I managed to survive high school. Grades got a little worse every year but they were still pretty good. I passed the state exams and got decent grades on those as well. At the age of 18, I applied and got into journalism school. Good job girl! Around 19, I stopped neglecting my reality. After three years of trying to live with a heavy chest pretending like it was nothing, I finally gave myself the right to feel what I had to feel. I also dared to tell my family I wasn’t feeling well even though I knew they might not understand it. By the end of 2017., I made the brave decision to leave the university that I didn’t like despite having that terrible fear of disappointing my parents. I was already suffering from anxiety and depression when I started it, but going there and not liking it made me even more depressed. I kept forcing myself to like it but I couldn’t study for those exams. Yes, I was depressed and it was extremely hard to focus on anything, but the fact that I didn’t like what I was studying made everything so much harder. After I left university, I was convinced that I wasn’t capable of learning new skills, using my old skills or anything else basically. The next six months were one of the hardest of my life. I became aware of depression more than ever. I had just had foot surgery, I couldn’t walk for almost two months so I had more than enough time to think about everything. Becoming aware and actually realizing how bad it had gotten at that point, I knew I had to do something in order to save myself. I acknowledged that I needed help more than ever. In 2018., a job opportunity came by and I dared myself to apply. I ended up getting it and I did absolutely great at it. I was finally able to afford therapy and get much-needed help. Lifechanging is an understatement. The following months were interesting. I was going to therapy, I was working, I had responsibilities again and I was learning to function even with my anxiety coming to work with me every day. Things got a lot better and life started making a little more sense. I did a great job at work so I ended up getting a higher position the next year. 2019., therapy continues, I keep learning, growing, and still doing pretty good at work. After my first university experience left me traumatized, I was convinced I would never study in Croatia (where I live) ever again. Even with all the traumas and fears, I still made the amazing decision to go back to education and study again. I applied and got accepted. I’m officially a social work student at Zagreb’s school of social work. We’re still in 2019., the year that I will remember for the rest of my life. My grandma passed away on June 16th, 2019. It was by far the most painful, the strangest experience of my life. This was the first time that I had to accept that I can’t ‘just do something about it’. The first time that I truly couldn’t do anything about it and understood that. My grandma meant the world to me. I became heartbroken, my entire world crashed. I was in so much pain but I didn’t turn to drugs or alcohol or anything like that. I’ve lived with my pain every day ever since and after some time, it became a natural part of me. It’s been a year a couple of days ago. I still struggle to accept it sometimes, to be completely honest. Overall, I think I’ve been handling her death as well as it can get. Some days are awful, some days are okay. I think that’s pretty common. After my grandma died, I realized a lot of things. One of the things was how toxic some of my friendships had gotten. Even though I had so much love for this person, for my own sake, I decided to end our eight-year-old friendship and go my own way. The person lives in a different country so I had to do it via text message. My hands were shaking while I was doing it, but I had no other option. It was a friendship that drained me so much over the years because I was always the one trying harder. I decided to try harder for myself this time. It’s been almost a year and as bad as it sounds, it was definitely the right decision make. My employment contract ended and school started shortly after. I felt like I was starting over and I felt like I was on a different path. I felt like I was at the right place as soon as I stepped into this new school. I love it so much and I go there with so much joy. I was going to therapy for a year at this point. I was doing good learning to live with my depression and anxiety instead of just be depressed and anxious. It’s 2020., and I’m going separate ways with another close friend. This friendship was filled with a lot of love, but so, so many lies and misunderstandings in between. My trust was no longer there. These two friends meant so much to me, but based on their actions, I didn’t mean as much to them. Once again, I made the right decision. I left a friendship that was no longer healthy for me. I miss both of them sometimes, but I’ve learned to respect myself more. I didn’t deserve to be treated how I was treated and I’m happy I was finally able to see that after years of justifying their actions in order to keep them in my life. We’re now in June 2020. I’ve completed 6/10 exams of my first year in social work school. I was terrified of failing and having to deal with ‘failure’ once again but things are going well as of now. Four exams left and I’m done with the first year; absolutely amazing. I’m still in regular therapy. Therapy is by far the most amazing thing that I ever decided to do for myself. During quarantine, I had this awakening or whatever you want to call it. I suddenly started feeling like a different, more balanced, healthier, and overall better version of myself. I truly don’t know what happened but I started noticing how much I’ve grown and learned. I react to things / see things differently now. I don’t binge eat anymore, which I had been doing since 2013. This truly feels like a miracle because my relationship with food is really good now. I’m not at war with the things from the past anymore. I’m not bitter or mad at all. I’m pretty sure I’ve made the most out of everything that ever hurt me. I still suffer from anxiety and panic attacks, I’m always afraid of things going wrong but I’m working on that every single day. I definitely handle things better now. When a new wave of depression comes, instead of being more depressed because I’m feeling depressed, I just acknowledge that I’m depressed again and I let it in being fully aware that it will pass. I breathe through it so that it’s a tiny bit easier. I’m giving myself space to take a step back and just breathe. My communication with myself has drastically improved. I say no more often and do what I feel like doing. I think I’m not a people pleaser anymore. I have a bunch of things to work on (comparing/criticizing/belittling myself) but I think I’m doing better than I did in the last seven years of my life and that’s a very big deal. These past seven years have been difficult and challenging, full of ups and downs. I finally see that I’ve been doing a good job all along. Today, I decided to root for myself. I deserve it. And you deserve it too.

What happened in the past can’t be changed. Some questions remain unanswered. The person that you are today is the best answer to every question you may have. 

Albesa ♡

Acknowledging uncomfortable thoughts & emotions

Saturday / June 6, 2020

It’s been quite some time since I’ve last sat down, just me and my laptop, and wrote until I no longer had anything to say. I’ve been so anxious, stressed, and overwhelmed the last couple of weeks, to the point where I couldn’t make myself do anything. I think I didn’t care about anything, I just wanted to sleep until it’s all over. I only cared enough to write about my grandma. Exams are coming, it’s almost been a year since my grandma passed away and it just gets too much sometimes. I’m feeling so many emotions right now, all at once. Based on my past experiences, exams make my fear of failure come to life, my anxiety level increases by 1000% and it just makes me worry all day every day. The thought of failing and not making it to year two of uni as I planned is just very terrifying and disappointing. I don’t want that to happen, I really don’t. I must explain to myself that even if things don’t go as planned, I’m still gonna find a way to keep going. Even if things don’t go as planned, it’s still not over. I also have to learn to worry about something when it’s real, not when it’s only made up in my head. I haven’t failed yet (and I hope I won’t), therefore why torture myself so much thinking about it? But that’s exactly what anxiety does to you, you’re scared of things that haven’t happened, but could happen, but at the same time, there’s no proof that they are gonna happen. What a terrible thing to live with. Writing helps, taking walks helps, meditating helps, taking a break to just breathe helps and imagining positive outcomes helps. So I try to do that as well. Sometimes my optimistic self and anxious self get confused. Most of the time, I don’t know what’s going on either. All I know is that when it comes, it takes over me in an instant. Instead of trying to run away from it by distracting myself with something else, I just have to breathe and let it do its thing for a couple minutes. I have to learn to do this always, not just sometimes. Fighting anxiety back by trying to ignore it or run away from it only makes things even worse. I think I’m feeling like this because that’s exactly what I’ve mostly been doing these last couple of weeks. I tried running away from my uncomfortable thoughts by listening to music, watching movies, scrolling Instagram, the list goes on and on. It only got worse. Now that I’m writing about it and acknowledging it all, it feels slightly easier to exist. I need to set reminders on my phone or something, to remind me to process my thoughts and emotions, even the most uncomfortable ones that I can’t stand, like these ones going through my mind at this exact moment. My grandma’s death, well, what can I even say about it? It’s almost been a year, the crisis that comes with missing someone so much is very, very painful. And there’s nothing to do about it. For the first time in my life, I’m aware that I can’t just do something about it. There’s nothing to do. There’s no coming back from death. There’s no going back to that one last hug you never knew would be the last one. There’s no going back to that one last goodbye before I left her house. I can only remember our moments and conversations and be thankful that I have something to hold on to. It’s hard, extremely hard. My grandma has always believed in me and that really keeps me going through these difficult times. I take that fact as reassurance that everything is gonna turn out okay and that I’ll be fine. I’m glad I’m here writing this story because it’s such an important part of this year, one I’ll never forget. I’m going through something very complex because it’s a lot of things all at once, things that typically have nothing to do with each other – exams and grandma. I must also mention that I feel like I’ve grown and learned so much lately. I’m getting more and more comfortable with who I am as a person, sharing my opinions and thoughts, and not getting approval. My eating habits have improved drastically. I don’t cope with emotions using food anymore which gives food a whole different meaning and purpose for me. I’m not stressed when I eat anymore, nor do I stress about what I eat as much anymore. I’ve been practicing listening to my body and so far, it’s been going really well. What else do I have to write about? Okay, there is a little something, but let’s give it time before it makes it to my journal. I don’t have to write about every little thing that happens, right? (well I actually do though, sorry not sorry). Anyway, I think that’s about it for today. I can’t wait to write an update on this one. 

These challenges that I’m going through, if nothing else, make my story more interesting. 

Til next time,

Albesa ♡

ps: this is a little thank you to everyone who’s been there for me through these difficult times. You know who you are. 

 

 

Gentle reminders to myself (and you)

Friday / May 15, 2020 

I’m not here to be loved by people only when it’s convenient for them. I’m not here to keep my mouth shut and just accept things. I’m not here to put on masks and pretend that life is beautiful and exciting all the time. It’s not. And it’s a part of me to be open about it. That way, I’m hopefully helping someone else feel less alone and more understood. I’m not here to stay the same. I’m here to learn, to grow and discover how good can life be even when I’m facing challenges. How good can life be even when I don’t remember the last time I slept properly. Even when I feel like nothing is making sense anymore. 

I’m here to nourish my mindset, to listen, to love and be loved. I’m here to be patient, angry and keep going. I’m here to accept that I can’t do my best all the time. I’m here to let people know that they’re allowed to be themselves around me. I’m here to create and live on my own terms. I’m here to be who I am. We learn a lot and we change a lot. And since I, intentionally and unintentionally, learn something new every day, it might feel that I’m not the same as I was yesterday. Because I’m not. I’m myself one day at a time. Tomorrow? I don’t know what I’ll learn tomorrow therefore I don’t know who I’ll be tomorrow.

Hopefully still someone my younger self would rely on.

Hopefully still someone my grandma would love if she was still here. 

Appreciate yourself and trust the process.

♡ Albesa

A visit from an old friend

Friday / May 8, 2020

Sleepless nights / early mornings are such great timing for planning how you’re gonna get your sh*t together when you wake up later in the late afternoon. Haha, lol. You fall asleep excited to wake up and start the new life that you planned in your head. For a few seconds, you feel like that life is real and it’s really yours. So you fall asleep and you wake up. And suddenly, imagination and excitement are gone. These days, the early morning energy is not there when I wake up. I’ve been waking up tired, exhausted. I’ve been waking up disappointed that my sleep is over and that I have to stay awake and live the next hours with so many things hurting me. This is how a depression relapse looks like. ‘It’s fine’ I say to myself, ‘this too will pass soon’. It will, for sure, I’ve been there before, but it’s so extreme when it’s present; it surprises me every time. It’s so intense and so heavy, it leaves you feeling lifeless even if you’re usually full of life. I like to think of myself as someone who is full of life. It’s been years since I’ve actually felt like that but yeah, I don’t know where I stand with that anymore. I like many things and all of those things bring me so much joy. I like discovering and learning new things all the time. But at the moment, seems like I’m just not able to feel any joy. And I don’t blame myself for that since I never really got the chance to heal properly. I try very hard, I try to communicate with myself as much as possible and really respect what I need. I have come a long, long way but my healing gets interrupted. I don’t know if it’s possible to heal in the same place where it all started. I’ve been trying to figure that out for years now and it hasn’t worked yet. I end up in the dark room again and again. The place that made you sick is still that same old place and from time to time, it all gets too much all over again. I might need some new ideas. I might need to do something just a tiny bit more crazy than what I usually do. I might just have to swallow my fears and explore what I’m so afraid of; relying on myself. 

I’ll be fine. 

♡ Albesa

update: I actually felt joy while writing this. Yay!

❤️ Grandma ❤️

Tuesday / May 5, 2020

Angel on the sky,

I’m writing this with tears in my eyes. I know you would absolutely hate to see me like this but I just miss you so, so much. I think of you every day and every night. I’m looking for signs that you’re somewhere near all the time. Some days I feel like I have it together pretty well, and some days, well, I fall apart a little bit. Just a little bit, don’t worry!! I promise, even on days like these, when I feel absolutely heartbroken, I try to push myself to fight, and to be better, in every way possible. Because of you. For you. You’re the reason. You’re the source of my strength when I feel like I have non of it left. Because you were the one who always believed in me. I remind myself of that every single day. You were the one who never doubted me. You were both, a mother and a father to me. I just love(d) you so much. I love(d) you as a person, not just because of the fact that you were my grandma. You were everything that I admire in other people. Your heart, your soul, your mind, everything was so pure about you. And your hands, oh so, so warm. I’m trying hard, I promise I am. But it’s not easy. It’s hard, extremely hard. I feel the need to talk to you and hear your soft voice telling me that it’s gonna be fine. I don’t believe it when someone else says it, I do feel bad for saying it but I just don’t. Those words would only calm me down when you were the one telling them. The entire world could come together and shout at me telling me that ‘it’s gonna be fine’ and I still wouldn’t believe it. Because the entire world doesn’t mean to me as much as you do. The entire world doesn’t know why I need those words so badly; you do. I will keep trying to be the best version of myself every day so that I can continue to be your favorite granddaughter. It’s nice to know that I was your favorite because you were my favorite too. And truthfully, you will always continue to be; no matter how far away from me you’ve gone.

Wherever you are, I hope you’re in peace.

Don’t worry about me.

I love you and I miss you beyond words.

♡ Albesa

A little bit of everything (healthy decisions, friends, and what’s been going on)

Wednesday / April 15, 2020. 

Every story of mine starts with ‘it’s been a while since I’ve written anything’ lately. It’s true I haven’t been writing as much as I used to, and it’s definitely not because I didn’t want to, but because I didn’t even know where to start. So much has been happening lately. My life has changed so much in the past year and I must admit I’m still getting used to it. My grandma, who was my absolute light in life, passed away, I went separate ways with one of my long time best friend, I went back to university, and about a month ago, I went separate ways with my other best friend too. My grandpa is very sick and almost died a few days ago. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like this is my life at all. People who meant so much to me throughout my life, people who take part in so many of my memories aren’t a part of my life anymore and that truly breaks my heart. I know I’ve done more than enough to make things work, I know I’ve been a great friend, but at this point, I’m more than sure that it has nothing to do with me. I generally think that what people do shows how they feel about themselves. People suffer so much, from all sorts of insecurities, pain, doubts, and whatnot. If you don’t find an effective way to help yourself along with a genuine support system, it can seriously damage you and make you make very poor decisions. I think that happened to my best friends, but I can’t speak for them so I’ll just leave it there. A part of me will always be with them even if we no longer make memories together. All of this has been emotionally challenging and hard to process. I’ve had a best friend since I was 5 weeks old, that’s when my cousin was born. We have an unbreakable connection and the way we respect each other is the only way I know when it comes to friends. That’s why I don’t have a lot of friends. At one point, sooner or later, every friend that I ever had, showed me that they didn’t care about me as much as I cared about them. I learned to see that through their actions, otherwise, if I only paid attention to their words, I wouldn’t be here writing this story. According to their words, they all love me so much. But when you love someone, you don’t do something that you know for sure is gonna hurt them. You don’t take for granted the fact that they trust you and don’t question your words. You don’t make them be even more afraid to open up. You don’t feed their fears.  It’s fine I say because there isn’t much to say anyway. I feel that I’m growing. I’m handling things much better than I used to. I’m standing up for myself way more than I used to. I’m working on it, working on being the best version of myself every day, trying to find something good in every day and find the balance between what has happened and what is happening now. I’m trying to be okay with my fears. I’m trying to loosen up with my expectations of myself. I think it’s working more and more, day by day. My poor eating habits have improved massively, I’m so surprised this is happening. Eating doesn’t seem to be one of my coping mechanisms anymore. I’m on the right track for sure, and it feels damn good to say that. It’s incredible. I think my life has become less toxic all together, which is a result of my healthy decisions. Decisions that I never knew I could make. But here I am, hoping life is only gonna keep getting better. I’m not where I want to be in life, but if I keep taking proper care of myself, if I keep making healthy decisions, I’ll start being there sooner than I think. The next healthy decisions to make: start doing university work properly, do more of what I love and stop with self-doubt and negative self-talk. I don’t deserve it. None of us do. 

Don’t let people question what they mean to you and don’t let yourself question what you mean to them either. 

Take care of yourself, and take care of the ones you love, properly.

Til’ next time,

♡ Albesa

I suggest we start caring more about each other

Friday / March 20, 2020

I was worried about the fact that I haven’t been very inspired or didn’t know what to write about lately. Very unlike my machine-like working mind that comes up with different stories all the time. Luckily, there is so much going on in the world I finally have something to write about. Sarcasm aside, let’s jump into the story. (I’m so excited to write!!!) It’s true a lot has been going on in the world lately; this shitty virus came out of nowhere and it’s taking over the world in the blink of an eye. I’m not going into science or medicine as I know so very little about it, however, I’m going to express how it has made me feel and think. I went to the grocery store today (actually yesterday as it’s past midnight now) and even though I was not surrounded by people that much, and even though it was just a quick errand, I still felt very irresponsible when I came back home. I felt my anxiety taking over me. It’s inevitable to go to the store and buy what is necessary but I don’t know, even though I knew I was healthy, it just didn’t feel right at all. It didn’t feel right to put myself at risk. Please don’t think of this time as an opportunity to hang out with your friends. None of us is on vacation. We must stay inside and protect ourselves and others who may be more at risk than we are. I’m young, I’m only 22, but not everyone around me is. Especially not here in Croatia, the country where I live, where elderly people make a big part of the total population. Please be more considerate, and keep in mind that your irresponsible behavior can seriously damage someone who might not be able to recover. I’m healthy right now, I will make sure I stay healthy and that way, I’ll protect other people’s health as well. If we all do that, if none of us puts ourselves at risk, we can get through this shitty time quicker. Another thing that’s been running around my mind is gratitude. Life has not been easy, at all, but I’m healthy. You know when you feel a pain you’ve never felt before and for a second you think you’re dying and the only thing you want is to be healthy? That’s how I’ve been feeling lately. Nothing else matters. Immigrants and refugees have also been on my mind, as their living conditions are poor and their health is at risk. I’m devastated. My mom asked me why I cared about them so much. I care about people in general but I especially care about people who none else seems to care about. And this is my answer to my mom’s question. I myself, am an immigrant’s child, I myself know how I felt growing up in a society that didn’t want me. But I had a home, a warm home with warm food on the table. If I was having a bad day outside, or in school, knowing that I had a home to return to kept me going through the day. And what do these poor kids have? A tend that flys away once the wind blows a little harder? What keeps them going through the day? No country will be able to escape from different cultures. No country will be able to remain 100% ‘authentic’. As long as they’re contributing to the country, people should be free to create a home wherever they feel it’s best for them. They say the world isn’t divided by race, culture, ethnicity, religion, sexuality like it used to be. What is it then? It’s even worse now. You know why? Because people used to be painfully honest about not wanting someone of a certain characteristic. They used to express it openly whereas now, people like to pretend they’re open-minded and accepting when in reality, they’re far, far away from that. False acceptance is real. A lot of people still struggle to think outside of the box. If these poor people get the necessary support now and if their kids get the chance to have a home and education, they could help the country later. Wouldn’t you want a helping hand if you lost it all today? Make people feel welcome, no matter who they are and where they come from. Sometimes that’s all they have, and in days like these, that’s what could get them through the day. 

This country didn’t want me, but my parents created a warm home here. My education is here. My memories are here. I might not be staying here in a couple of years, but it’s undeniable that this country has given me a lot of things that I’m thankful for. Just like me, someone else could be thankful too. All they need is a chance. 

♡ Albesa

Thoughts turned into a poem (missing grandma)

Sunday / March 8, 2020

Angel on the sky, you’ve been on my mind

it’s you who I think of when the sun is shining bright

I’ve changed a little but I know you don’t mind

I promise to always keep only the goodness in my heart

you would always tell me ‘it’s gonna be alright’

and I would always believe you and sleep tight at night 

Now I’m the one telling you:

even if you see me with tears in my eyes,

even if you see me falling apart,

don’t worry too much,

I’ll be alright

Sleep tight angel,

I miss you.

♡ Albesa

ps: Is this what you call a poem? If yes, then this is the first poem I’ve ever written. I never express myself through poems, but this time, my thoughts were all over the place and only started making sense when I wrote them like this. Poetic Albe, who would’ve thought. Haha. 

Another story about my messy life (remembering my grandma’s words that we all need)

Tuesday / February 25, 2020

At times like these, I wish my grandma was still here more than ever, so I could call her and tell her about how I’ve been feeling. I wish I could go back in time and have her tell me just one more time that everything is gonna be fine. She just knew how to talk to me, she always managed to convince me that there’s no need to worry so much. And that’s all that I’ve been doing lately; thinking, worrying, feeling lost. I need to believe that everything is gonna be fine more than ever. I’m struggling to believe that, I feel the complete opposite. I feel like my life is a huge mess that is only getting messier as I’m getting older. I know a lot of people feel like this too, some take it easier, and some are tired at this point and don’t take it that easy anymore (some feel like they’re about to get a heart attack anytime; me). My life probably looks this bad only in my head, but isn’t how you perceive yourself and your life the most important thing anyway? You’re the one who lives with your mind, your thoughts, your feelings; so yes, the fact that it looks this bad in my head is all that really matters, unfortunately, because it’s me who experiences that big mess. I know I’m good at a couple of things, I know that life can be really beautiful, and most importantly, I know that this is not the end of the journey for me (I actually believe that despite all the suffering, I’m still gonna turn 100 so I have about 78 more years to go lol). However, feeling stuck, feeling lost, being on the edge with your mental health constantly, and not knowing what decision is the best decision for you and your future is like walking around the house with no light on. At some parts of the house you manage to arrive smoothly, meanwhile while walking around trying to get to another part of the house, you might hurt your little toe or slip and fall on your wet bathroom floor (imagination has gone too far now). What I’m trying to say is that I guess we have to keep walking and trying to help ourselves however we can, even if that means getting hurt along the way. Something is telling me that it’s all worth it after all. I don’t know. Whether we like it or not, whether we thought it would be like this or not, the reality is that sometimes things don’t turn out to be how we planned. Sometimes we succeed, and sometimes we have to change the route of the journey. The things we believe are the best for us, don’t necessarily have to be the best in reality. And how do you know what is for you and what isn’t? Simply based on the feelings that it gives you. Feelings are the clearest answers. If it feels good, keep going in that direction. If it doesn’t, change the route a little bit. If you’re not sure, try flipping a coin. Or don’t. Throw the coin away and come up with something completely new. That’s also one of the options. Sometimes we’re just too obsessed with our plans; which makes it harder for us to see that there’s so much more than just our ‘ideal life’ plan that we hold on to so tight. Maybe it’s not even that ideal (?)

My grandma is not here anymore, but she’s always gonna be alive in my heart, thoughts, and dreams. I can still hear her voice very clearly. Right now, her beautiful voice is telling me that I’m smart and capable and that I have no reason to be so upset. That’s what she always used to tell me, and maybe, just maybe, that’s really that one thing I need to believe in at the moment. And the rest will come, I guess.

♡ Albesa

A much-needed reality check, brain check and what not check

Friday / February 7, 2020

I consider myself an optimist, who always tries to learn from difficult situations. I’ve been stuck in this negative circle for quite some time now, complaining about my life every single day, so I started questioning where my optimism has gone. I wrote in my last story that I hardly saw any light. This circle that I’m talking about has exhausted me. I needed a reality check so I started paying more attention to my time and energy and here’s what I’ve realized. Constantly thinking and complaining about everything that makes you unhappy and miserable will make you feel even worse. Sit down, acknowledge your thoughts, emotions, and patterns. Express your pain in a way you’re most comfortable with. Talk to your friends, write about it, draw, sing, go for a walk, you do you. Breathe, feel your lungs, move your fingers, your legs, your hair, break the cycle of negative thinking with physical activity. I’m the first thing that comes to my mind when I think about what makes me unhappy. You know why? Because I choose to do everything that makes me unhappy. We all choose to do that. I’m not attacking anyone, I know that some of us have literally learned to live life that way. It has become my default mode, from the moment I wake up till the moment I go to bed. I unconsciously choose to let my mind do what it’s been doing for years now. Be cruel to me, be mean to me, make me imagine the worst scenarios. Make me imagine myself failing, being lied to and so on. Thoughts create feelings and feelings determine your mood. So I sat  down and asked myself; what is going on with me lately, why do I feel down all the time? Why do I feel like disappearing? I analyzed my daily habits which I hadn’t done in a long time and boom, I got my answers! My top unhealthy habit is overthinking. So I started paying attention to it. My life is a bit complicated (I just realized that I genuinely think there’s no person who’s life isn’t complicated) for multiple reasons, and I struggle with a lot of things, but it’s good to have a conversation with yourself and literally cut your own bullsh*t. It’s necessary to remind yourself that your thoughts are not your reality. Say it out loud. Just because I fear failure it doesn’t mean I’m really gonna fail. Just because I think people think I’m lame, it doesn’t mean they really think I’m lame. People who have had or still have mental health issues or childhood traumas tend to have very low self-esteem. I’m one of those people. I like doing a lot of things, but I never think I’m really good at it. My cousin Flor thinks I’m really smart and I’m always like ‘why would you think that?’ It’s because I think my depression took away a lot of my abilities. For example, I always have to double-check if I turned off the oven. I always have to double read the message someone sent to me in order to make sure I understood it correctly. When people are rude to me, I always make it about myself and convince myself it’s me who misunderstood the situation. But let me tell you something: NO! Your depression is not the answer to everything in your life. Your depression is not your number one enemy in life. Some people are rude to you and you’re not making it up in your head. Rude people exist, and I really have to stop justifying people’s behavior and making it about myself every time. Sometimes it’s just not about us man! My dear people, whoever is going to read this, both you and I, despite depression, anxiety, panic attacks, we’re still capable of all the things we want to achieve. It might take you longer but why would we have to go fast anyway? We wouldn’t we choose our rhythm ourselves? My fear of failure is out of this world. I failed at a couple things because I did things following other people’s timing and not my own. I thought that I had to be in alignment with people who were my age. But I don’t have to. My experience is very different from a lot of other people. So while thinking about my past experiences and why things didn’t work for me, I decided to start taking into consideration my circumstances too, not only the end result. I know why some things didn’t work and that’s exactly why I’ve decided to slow down completely. I’m allowed to go slow and take my time. I’m allowed to do things my way and not the way ‘it’s supposed to be done’. Please don’t let other people’s success pressure you to be successful too. Your time will come but get some rest first. If you’re someone who suffers from a mental illness, let me remind you that managing to get out of bed is also a success. Get some rest, get some help, learn, grow and then start slow. That’s what I’m trying to do. I went back to education and university after two years. I avoided studying for a couple of months because I was convinced I wouldn’t be able to learn anything (I dropped out of college two and a half years ago because I was unable to study due to my depression). I was terrified of not being able to study again but I pushed myself to try. I started studying for my English exam about three days ago. I figured out English was the easiest to start with. I’m more than happy to say that it’s going well (for now). The fear of failure is still there but it has calmed down a bit. I don’t have very high expectations, I just want to pass. If I pass this exam, it will help me believe in myself and my abilities more which will help me with my future exams that are possibly going to be harder. Remember that everyone’s journey is different. Someone who is just starting to learn a new language doesn’t immediately become fluent. Don’t try to eliminate your fear, just let it be there. Do what you want to do with your fears sitting next to you. Nothing is going to happen, if you don’t succeed the first time, you can always try again. I started studying law, it didn’t work because I didn’t understand a lot of terms that are in the book. Not to mention that subject bores me to death. Then I started with sociology, but the number of pages I had to learn felt overwhelming considering the fact that I had about 10 days to prepare for it. Then I moved to psychology but the same thing happened. As I said, I was convinced I wouldn’t be able to study which is why I was afraid to even try so that’s how I lost a lot of time. I tried studying three times and it didn’t work. I kept trying out until something felt a little better. And now I see that I’m actually not disabled. I just have to go slow and take my time which is perfectly fine. My brain still works just fine. Fingers crossed we all learn to listen to ourselves and our needs. Fingers crossed we all dare to do things our own way. Sending lots of positive energy to whoever reads this, including me. 

PS: good luck to everyone taking exams! 🙂

♡ Albesa

Home = peace (what a crisis feels like)

Friday / January 31, 2020

Nothing is making sense at the moment. Sometimes I feel like this blog is the only place I can go to, like it’s an old friend who’s always there to listen. As per usual when life gets messy, I’m struggling to fall asleep, and not only do I feel emotionally and mentally tired but also physically. I had a terrible day which eventually turned into physical pain. I feel my depression creeping in again and I feel sick. So much is going on, I barely see any light. My fear is real. Things are not getting any better, and neither am I. My environment is unhealthy. Some people I’m the closest to are the ones who caused me the most damage over the years. Every time I make some progress, I eventually get taken 10 steps back. I realized that even when I feel better about certain things, it’s because I’m distracted, not because I’ve healed. I’m still not okay with many things. I don’t think I’ll heal as long as I’m here, in this country, in this city, in this home reminded of so many things that turned the energetic and positive child inside of me into an adult who is on survival mode so often. And this country is very cruel sometimes. Everything reminds me of pain here. I was a child when some things were said to me, and those things determined the way I lived my life. There was no one to tell me ‘don’t listen to them’. The ones who were supposed to protect me never did, they neglected and belittled my pain instead. I also did that to myself for years because it was the only thing I knew. I asked for help and no one heard me. This is not my home. Not this country, not this city, not this apartment where I live in. Neither are these feelings. I don’t know where my home is but I know it’s somewhere far away from here. Somewhere where I’m able to sleep, breathe and rest. Somewhere where I’m able to live.

It’s been hard, but I believe it’s gonna be okay. I’ll get through this, and carry on with a new dose of strength and knowledge. If there’s one thing I’ve learned to do over the years, it has to be learning from pain. Pain, my old friend, you’ve made me who I am. I have no idea who I am, but I know who I’m not. I’m not like the ones who took away my home. 

Home = peace

♡ Albesa

A surprisingly good day: noticing progress

Monday / January 27, 2020

I was finishing my burger and this story came to my mind. I’ve actually been thinking about writing about this topic for a long time and I’m glad the time has finally, randomly come. So, I’m sitting alone in this mini vegan/vegetarian restaurant. As I said, I was finishing my burger, staring out of the window hoping I don’t look weird. I take out my laptop because I’m inspired and want to write. I’m curious to know what people think; not worried or anxious just curious; which is great, right? Now, what’s so weird about spending time alone somewhere? Do you ever do that? I don’t leave the house a lot, I go to college, I go to the grocery store, to the mall which is a 15 minute walk from home and that’s pretty much it, I don’t really go to cafes and sit by myself like this. I was in the city because I had to get some work done and I had some extra time before getting more work done so I said to myself: ”I feel like eating a burger, let’s go for a burger.” I came here, enjoyed my burger and that’s it. The place feels good, I like it and it doesn’t feel weird to me. I decided to write about this because it’s much more than just going to a restaurant and eating a burger. Two years ago, I couldn’t even imagine sitting alone somewhere besides public transport, surrounded by a bunch of people. I couldn’t imagine eating in front of people. I never even considered going to a cafe and have a meal; every time I left the house, I wanted to go back home as soon as possible because it was the only place that felt comfortable. And now I’m here writing this story and I’m happy because I realize that this is exactly what progress looks like. You slowly notice that some things don’t cause you negative emotions anymore. You notice you’re able to do a lot more than you used to. I finished my meal, I’m minding my own business, and there is nothing to worry about. And it’s great not to worry all the time. I also got a really good grade for my essay, which helps me with my fear of failure and that’s also great. Now I’m heading to the orphanage where I hope I’ll be chosen as a volunteer, which I’ve been wanting to do since high school. I’m having a good day and oh lord, it’s a breath of fresh air. It’s so nice to have a good day, it feels unreal. It’s been hard for a long time now so I really appreciate days like these. I must not forget that I can have days like these a lot more often if I don’t allow negative stuff to control my life. Negative stuff happens all the time, it’s inevitable, but it can be just a part of your day instead of your entire day. Point of this story: spend more time doing what you love and pay attention to the bits of your progress more. I definitely will. 

Til next time,

♡ Albesa

What’s been going on; part one

Sunday / January 19, 2019

I’ve been gone for a month and I don’t even know why. So much has happened and I’ve written a lot on my phone but I never ended up posting it on the blog. Only now do I realize how much I’ve missed the sound of typing on the laptop. I love it so much! But yeah, where have I been, what have I been doing? Let’s get into it. I’m gonna start with something really amazing. Flor (my cousin and best friend who had moved to Austria with her entire family almost 4 years ago) is back to living in Croatia. I can’t believe we live in the same country again and get to see each other every day pretty much. Is this real life? I think I’ve written about her before but let me introduce her again; she’s my best friend, my cousin, my support system. We grew up together, went to school together, did everything together until she moved. It was terrible when she moved to Austria because I was used to doing everything with her. It felt like I lost a part of myself when I had to learn to do things on my own,  without a companion. Even though I’ve learned a lot about independence and how important it actually is, life feels more complete now that she’s back. How beautiful is that? My other cousins are back as well and I’m so happy I get to be a part of their lives a little bit more now that we live in the same country again. I’m also kind of sorry that they’re back because this country sucks in many aspects but I’m really not trying to get into politics, education system, and whatnot at 3:30 AM. I’m just gonna appreciate that we’re close to each other again. I’ll definitely be writing about our upcoming daily adventures in the future. What I also want to talk about is that I feel stuck in some of my long-time friendships. I see that I’ve overgrown certain people and certain friendships and I really don’t know what to do. I’ll have to sit down and think about whether I want to invest more energy into that or not. To be completely honest, I don’t think that’s gonna happen anymore. I’m really tired of trying to save friendships that just haven’t grown along with me or haven’t progressed like I thought they would. I want to be okay with the fact that two people just need to go their separate ways sometimes. I don’t want to feel guilty for leaving a friendship I no longer feel good in. It breaks my heart, but it’s the most honest truth. I still love and respect these people but sometimes it’s just not what it used to be and it really doesn’t have to be anyone’s fault. If I don’t do what I feel is best for me, I’m gonna end up being at war with myself. I’ve been there before, and I believe a lot of other people have been there too. It’s exhausting, energy-draining, and pretty hard to get out of (the war in your mind). Confront reality and make decisions based on it. As my therapist likes to say ”don’t be just another person who ignores the pink elephant in the room.” The elephant stands for the big and obvious problem, and pink stands for us making things more beautiful than they are in reality in order to create fake peace inside ourselves and avoid confrontations. I’m currently struggling so much and I don’t have the energy to confront anyone or anything at the moment but it’s definitely somewhere around the corner. Right now, I need myself more than ever. All of my energy has to be directed to the right places such as my mental health, my physical health, my mindset, studying, writing, creating and other things that are important to me. More about my current struggle in the next story. 

♡ Albesa

 

What’s been going on with me lately

Wednesday / December 18, 2019

I’ve been having some of the hardest times of my life. I don’t know which one I should say: too much is going on or nothing is going on at all? I’ve felt down most of my day for the past 2 months, I’m not being productive, I’m not doing what I love, I’m not taking proper care of myself. I have no idea which direction my life is taking, I don’t have my priorities straight and my energy is low. I’m so incredibly exhausted and lost. I don’t think I’ve ever felt like this. I used to suffer from severe depression and anxiety. It was either dying slowly day by day or getting out of bed to save myself. So I grabbed myself by the hand, got a job, started going to therapy and I got better. I try to remember if it was as bad as it is now but I really don’t know, I don’t think it was. On the other hand, even though I still suffer from anxiety quite often, I wouldn’t say I’m depressed anymore. Compared to about a year and a half ago, I’m able to be much more productive, get a considerable amount of work done and my cognitive abilities have improved. But what is this? Why am I not getting any work done then? Is it a crisis, a phase or what? I’m constantly at war with myself. I’m constantly at war with my family members who don’t understand the negative impact that our daily fights have on me. I’ve been struggling to have a proper conversation with myself which is awful because those always help me see things more clearly. It’s like I have a gray cloud above my head, full of negativity, doubt, fear and overthinking. I know it happens to everyone and that when this happens, it’s beneficial to take a step back and breathe for a second but I’m just really afraid of not being able to live the life I want to live and be the person that I truly am. I’m afraid I won’t be able to do good in college and that makes me upset because I truly care about it. How do I grab myself by the hand again? I want to be there for myself. I want to be able to say ‘I got this’ when days like these come. I feel so much better now that I’m writing about all of this. Writing always helps, expressing myself through letters has a therapeutic effect on me. It’s a part of my soul which I really want to share with the world someday. See? It’s not that I don’t know what I want at all; it’s the fear that is holding me back. Yes, some things I have yet to figure out but the things that I already know, I don’t want to keep them waiting because the more they wait the more miserable I get. I don’t want to be miserable so I better grab myself by the hand the way I grab this laptop and have a serious, open and honest chat with myself. It’s about time to give myself a break with all this negativity and start believing in myself a little more again. What I’ve been through this year has never happened to me before, it’s been painful, heartbreaking, confusing. I’m still processing my grandma’s death. Sometimes it hits me in the middle of the day, sometimes it hits me in the middle of the night, regardless, when it happens, the only thing I’m able to do is be sad. It’s only been 6 months since she died. I need more time for being this version of myself that I am right now; sad, heartbroken, lost. I allow myself to be this version of myself and I forgive myself for not reaching my full potential. I’m happy I still choose to keep waking up and deal with whatever the new day might bring. It’s never easy but it’s the only way to do it. I’m in pain, but I’m also learning, growing and improving. Next time a crisis like this comes, I’ll know what to do. And for this one, I guess I’m just gonna give myself some time and space and let the toxicity and sadness get out of my body one day at a time. I’ll soon get done all the work that is waiting for me but right now, I guess I’m gonna figure it out one day by day. I have my fingers crossed for all of us. I have to wake up in about 5 hours so I guess that’s a wrap for this story. 

Sending love and light to whoever might need it.

Til next time,

♡ Albesa

The simplicity of saying ‘no’

Sunday / December 8, 2019

These days, I would rather choose to be called crazy than say yes to the things I don’t agree with just so I don’t get dirty looks. Dirty looks from others don’t mean much to me, but saying yes for the sake of others and then getting dirty looks from myself, it means too much. It means throwing away everything I believe in. It means throwing away everything that I am. I’ve been through so much this year, but I’ve also gotten to grow and understand that nothing is worth my well-being. I might have been a people-pleaser throughout my life, but I’m trying not be anymore. This is my life and the only person I’m responsible for is myself. Since I’ve managed to survive this year somehow, which almost feels like a new chance at life, I’ve decided that I no longer want to get dirty looks from myself. That means that everyone can expect more no-s from me. 

Reminder to you and myself: you can love someone and still say ‘no’ to them when it’s necessary. Loving someone and protecting your boundaries are two completely different things and you can do both at the same time. Don’t let anyone convince you that there is something selfish about choosing what’s the best for you. You’re just taking care of yourself; it’s that simple. 

♡ Albesa

What can you do about it when there’s nothing you can do about it?

Thursday / December 5, 2019

I sometimes feel like I don’t have much to say, but the second I sit down to write and reflect on my thoughts, I realize just how much I have to talk about and how much I need to express how I’m feeling. I feel like my most authentic self when I’m sitting down like this, writing and expressing my thoughts without shame, guilt or looking back. It’s in me to talk, it’s in me to acknowledge what I tried to keep to myself for years and years. It’s in me to let people know that their feelings are valid. The things that bring me peace and joy, the things that break my heart, thanks to years of learning and therapy, I’ve learned to welcome it all. I’ve learned to validate my feelings as they are, without trying to make them more beautiful or more bearable. I don’t know who’s gonna read this but you’re not alone. It took me a while to change the way I thought of things, it took me a while to understand something so simple yet so important: you decide what you’re gonna do with the things that happen to you. You decide whether you’re gonna stay bitter and mad about it or open your heart, your mind, and your soul in order to understand that there is a lot to learn. Yes, things are uncomfortable, things are heavy, we feel bad because of everything that’s going on, there is no question about it, but the key is in the way we respond. Have you ever felt yourself getting even worse because you’ve been focusing on the negative so much? My dear people: a lot of things that happen are not in our control. When you’re not in charge of the situation, take a few deep breaths, and be kind to yourself more than ever. Let yourself know that not everything is your responsibility. Even when something very bad is happening, you still have so much to be grateful for. I disagree with my family in most cases, we also argue a lot, it makes me sad that we don’t understand each other more. After years and years of trying to find a way to communicate more effectively, I realized there was only one option left: to accept my family the way it is and stop forcing them to understand what I’m trying to say or how I’m feeling. After all the fights and failed communication, I understood that sometimes we’re just too different to meet in the middle. We spend so much time wondering why do things have to be like this or like that, why is this happening to me, why, why, why, endless whys. I’ve written in one of my stories that life is a perfect mixture of sweet dreams and a chaotic rush, and I couldn’t agree with myself more. We choose what we focus on, we choose if we’re gonna rush around the chaos more or keep our mind busy thinking about the sweet dreams more. I hope you understand the point of this story; whatever happens to you or around you, believe me, you’re still gonna be just fine. You’re gonna find a way to cope with everything that breaks your heart. The whys are gonna fade away from your mind and you’re gonna start embracing life the way it is. This is coming from someone who was depressed for 5 years. I was always at war with myself because I struggled to accept things I couldn’t do anything about. I knew that a lot of things that happened weren’t okay, a lot of people mistreated me and I never did what I felt in heart, I did what I thought was safe. But not standing up for yourself isn’t safe. Confrontations might feel terrifying but it’s a must to let people know how they made you feel. Allow yourself to be sad, mad, and angry but also know that the only thing you’re in charge of is your mindset; I constantly remind myself about that. I disagree with my family, but I can’t change the way they think. After all these years of trying to be on the same page with them, and not succeeding due to our differences, I’ve chosen to just focus on the fact that I have a family and that we’re all healthy. There is nothing else I can do about it except appreciate it the way it is. And it’s pretty much like that with a lot of things in life. It might sound strange but you can actually appreciate what you don’t understand, you just have to give yourself the chance to learn to do that. Every day is a chance to start over, every day is a chance to start doing what’s good for you. Be kind to yourself. Slow down with the endless whys and be more grateful. Someday it will all make sense, someday you will know all the answers. Until then, keep trying, keep going, keep learning. Day by day. 

We got this.

♡ Albesa

The precious truth

Thursday / November 28, 2019

It’s almost 6 AM and I haven’t slept a single bit yet. I don’t know if I should love or hate nights like these. Hate because they’re painful and long; love because they remind me of how strong I am. Let me tell you something: I haven’t been doing my best. I feel low, betrayed and mistreated. Mostly by myself; you know why? Because even though I put so much hard work into learning to genuinely respect and value myself, even though I know what I deserve, I always try so hard to convince myself to give people a chance, to give people some time and space. And you know what happens? I end up damaging myself by trying to accept the unacceptable. I end up taking too much, I end up tolerating too much. I’m learning to trust that feeling you get in your stomach when you know that something just isn’t right. I’m learning to react on time, and act according to that feeling. I’m learning to react before I get consumed by whatever it is that’s going on in the moment, whether it’s good or bad. I want to rest. I want to breathe. I want to say ‘no’ every time I know it’s the right thing to do. I also want to say yes to whatever brings me joy no matter the fear that is always present. I don’t want to take less/more than I give. I don’t want to give more than they deserve and end up feeling empty. I want to get what I always give: the truth. Because telling the truth also means respect. It also means empathy. It means so much! I’m always learning. I’m getting somewhere. This is all a part of it. There is so much left to learn but if there’s one thing that I know for sure, it has to be this: no matter if it’s good or bad, telling the truth will be always and forever be the best thing you can do for yourself and others.

I can handle these nights. I can wake up and carry on with gratitude. I can to survive whatever life puts me through. I choose to survive. I choose to keep learning. And I hope you do too.

To be continued.

♡ Albesa

Grandma and her response

Wednesday / November 13, 2019 

I’m sitting in the backyard of my house here in Kosovo trying to remember everything I want to write about in this story. It’s pretty surreal that I’m even here at this time of the year. It’s my last day today so I wanted to take the chance and write about this experience before I hit the road to go back to Croatia. Anyway, let’s get into the story. I think I’ve written about Kosovo before, and how for me, the main reason for coming here has always been my grandma. She passed away 5 months ago and I was afraid of coming here knowing that she is no longer here to wait for me. I dreamt of my grandma every other day for almost a month so I took that as a sign that I really, really needed to talk to her. So I decided to do what I was so afraid of. I decided to come to Kosovo and face her death. I went to her house, sat where we always used to sit, remembered how kind she was, remembered how she talked, remembered the way she walked. She was so loving and so loved I often think about how unfair it is that she suffered so much throughout her life. I visited her grave yesterday. I told her a lot of things, and for a tiny moment, I let myself get carried away. For a tiny moment, I felt like she was there, listening to me carefully,  I felt like she was there, paying attention to what I was saying. What if she really was there though? I don’t remember the last time I cried and laughed at the same time like that, it was incredibly relieving. It’s unbelievable that I have to go to that sad place in order to talk to her, but I’m so glad I did it. The heavy weight on my chest was starting to become unbearable. I had to get things out of my chest, I had to tell her how much I love her. I had to apologize, I had to tell her that I’m sorry for not calling her more often, for not spending more time with her when I was in Kosovo. I’m sorry for not having celebrated a single birthday with her. But no matter how sorry I am, I can’t go back in time and change things. It is what it is, so it’s better to try and make peace with it somehow. I’m in peace because she knew how much I loved her, at least I hope she did. She truly was and will forever be my biggest love and inspiration. If the afterlife exists, I hope she’s in a peaceful place where she’s able to rest how she deserves. Everything beautiful reminds me of her. Every ray of sunshine reminds me of her. She was a light that you only meet once in a lifetime but keeps you warm and enlightened for the rest of your life. I have to go back to Croatia in a couple hours, but I already can’t wait to come to Kosovo and visit her again. As much as it breaks my heart that I can’t hug her, hold her hand and give her a kiss anymore, just knowing that I got to experience that kind of love fills me with so much love and warmth. I was afraid to come here but I survived. I was afraid of not getting a response from my grandma, but I don’t think that happened. I got a lot of responses. I didn’t hear her voice, I didn’t touch her but I feel close to her. I feel peace. I feel optimistic about life. Does that count as a response too?

I’m heartbroken but I’m also incredibly grateful. 

Gjyshe t’du shume!!!

♡♡♡ Albesa

 

Kind of all over the place

Tuesday / November 5, 2019

I’ve been wanting to sit down and write for days and days now. So many feelings have been combined, so many emotions, I just don’t know what to write, what to say, how to compose a story and make it make sense. But you can’t wait until it makes sense; who knows if it ever will? It’s been a month since college started. I’m very content with it, the energy around me is good and I feel okay when I’m there. My classes don’t take my entire day so I’m really happy that I have enough time for the other things I love doing. On the other hand, my lack of motivation, willingness, and energy has become concerning. I haven’t studied at all. I haven’t slept properly in more than a month; to say that I’m exhausted is an understatement. I know I’m anxious, sad, stressed and still very numb from my grandma’s death but how come I still have enough energy to stand on my feet; I’m truly surprised. I visited the doctor yesterday and I’ve been told I’ll have to do some brain scans to find out where the problem is. I hope everything is okay and that I’ll be able to sleep well and function normally as soon as possible. This past month has also been strange for another reason. I’ve been experiencing something I’ve never experienced before and it’s just, I don’t know, strange (to say the least)!!! Things I never thought could happen, things I never expected to happen are happening. I don’t wanna talk about it too much, we’ll see what happens; I’ll definitely write about it again sometime soon and reveal more about it. I celebrated my 22nd birthday a few days ago. I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned but I really don’t like it when it’s my birthday. Some intense nostalgia occurs and I feel lost. It must be because I had a very good childhood and things are nothing like that now. Everything, literally everything has changed and I can’t help but miss those carefree days sometimes. Days when I didn’t know the painful truth, days when I hadn’t lost anyone, days when I thought a lot of people had my back. Those days are gone but I’m still here. And right now right here, where I am now, I must push myself harder than ever and survive, like I always have. There is no going back to ‘the good old days’, the only possibility I have is to take care of the days that are about to come and make them somewhat beautiful. I think I’ll be traveling to Kosovo on Friday. I feel the heavy weight on my chest caused by the struggle to accept grandma’s death. I need to talk to her. I need to survive not getting a response. Because that’s the truth, and I always want to know the truth, no matter how painful it is. I can take it, I don’t really have an option, do I?

Life is full of ups and downs. Give yourself a break, things will get better.

We got this.

♡ Albesa