Quite a big burden (to say the least)

Sunday / August 29, 2021.

Aaaaand here we are. The time to write has come. No more avoiding hard conversations with myself, no more avoiding confronting hard feelings. I’ve been avoiding writing about stuff for about a month now and it’s gotten me nowhere. I told my sister about an hour ago how I just don’t want to write about sad stuff. But my dear people, that’s how life is sometimes. Me and my family are going through a very hard period. My family doesn’t own a business anymore as my dad decided to sell his part of the business to my uncle. The problem is that the majority of the money has not been given to us yet and we can’t move on and invest in another business. It’s been months and months of waiting for the money to be given to us and now it has come to the point where there’s no hope anymore. We have lost our financial stability. We are broke. I stop and think to myself, when and how did this happen, because it just seems so surreal. I come from a very hard working family. My dad has been working since he was 14!! We’ve always felt secure and stable. And now we’re here, a family of 10 members, all unemployed, waiting for our money. One day they say it’s gonna be done in two days, one day they say it’s gonna take another two weeks. And that’s been being said for months now. It’s been awful. This year has not only damaged me in a couple new ways, but my family too. It’s all we talk about, it’s all we’re focused on. And I can’t blame anyone for that because there’s nothing you can do without money. We can’t move on and open a new business, we can’t live comfortably like we’re used to. We have to be super careful with our spendings all the time. The bills keep coming and coming and the money is nowhere to be seen. I’m devastated. It’s not about the money, it’s about the emotional damage, stress and frustration that we’re going through. I don’t understand a lot of things. My only hope is that this will be solved somehow, as soon as possible. My dad and big brother have some ideas about opening a business in Germany. Croatia is no longer an option for our new business once we get our money. I think Germany is a good option, as the quality of life is quite high there. And it’s a great country overall. Life in Croatia has lost all its meaning. Even though I was born and raised here, I’m only here because of my studies; nothing else. Speaking of studies, I find it super hard to start studying and get my work done. My head is simply full of so much stuff, and thoughts and fears it’s hard to sit down and study. I’m trying not to freak out and simply take it slow. I’m not giving up on my dreams, I just need to slow down so I don’t crash completely. So I will slow down, and hopefully, I will not be feeling guilty about it. I went to Kosovo this summer and my budget was the lowest ever. I didn’t even want to go but my cousin / best friend was getting married so I wanted to be there for her of course. Other than that, under these conditions, I wouldn’t have travelled anywhere. I was tired every day, physically and emotionally. I had fun and created some amazing memories, but I suffered too. It’s just hard, very hard and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m starting my job as an English teacher for kids soon. I will only be working one day a week in the beginning; that’s fine. I think I’ll look for another job and have two jobs so I can earn as much money as possible while going to university. There are a lot of expenses that I need to cover. I’m incredibly stressed but I think I’m handling this situation quite well. I’m trying to stay optimistic even though it feels like I’m lying to myself sometimes. I don’t know what’s gonna happen but I hope it will end well. Till then, I’ll try to do as much of what I love doing and keep myself in a good headspace. On a positive note, me and my childhood best friend that I went separate ways with about a year and a half ago, decided to give our friendship another try. I love her so much and I truly hope that from now on, we will only keep getting even better friends. I apologised for my words that I know hurt her. I apologised for a lot of things because I know I made a mistake. She apologised to me for her mistakes and explained the meanings behind some of her actions. I’m happy we were able to forgive each other and I’m glad we’re back and better than ever. An apology goes a long way, so instead of losing people, lose your egoistic walls and apologise when you need to. Life is messy at the moment but there are things worth fighting for so that’s why I have to keep going. There’s more to write about but this story is already all around the place. I met someone who seems quite different from everyone I’ve met in the past. We’ll see what happens. I just wanted to mention it in this story since that’s also one of the things that happened this month. If I had to do a feelings check,  I’d say I feel hurt, disappointed, hopeless and stressed. Still hoping we’ll figure things out soon. I feel a bit better for writing about all of this however, I do feel a heavy weight on my chest as I’m going through thoughts and emotions. I need to rest now, and I think that’s about it for today. Till next time. 

May peace find me and my family again soon. May peace find whoever gets to read this.

We got this, 

♡, Albesa. 

What’s been going on lately: short story

Tuesday / April 27, 2021

I’ve been gone for so long, oh my god. I don’t even know where to start this story. So much has been happening; intense, complicated things that I never thought I would deal with. I’ve already written about how my dad sold our family business and how it has affected our family. Little did I know it was about to become worse and worse. Family relationships are complicated. We’ve been told family is everything, family over everything, family this and family that but the truth is that family relationships require so much effort, so so much. We’re all so different, starting from my parents who were raised in a different country, under completely different circumstances. They both come from patriarchic families, and I’m pretty sure they’re both more concerned about my brothers (especially the older one who’s married and has a child now) than they are about my sisters. It seems like it, even though they neglect this every time I point it out. We’ve been fighting a lot. There are a lot of things I’m not okay with, ”but what is there to do?”, I ask myself. As long as I’m under their roof, this is the life I get. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful for my parents and the fact that I have a home, but a lot of things inside this home are dysfunctional and that’s what bothers me and creates negative feelings inside of me. I choose to stay at my parents house because I’m a student. I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to make enough money to provide for myself; a place to stay, food, education costs. I sound selfish, but I’m being honest. If I wasn’t in school, I would’ve gotten a  job a long time ago and left home. I just think it’s the best thing to do for myself and my mental health. I was in Kosovo for a month, where we also have a home. A lot of unexpected things happened, and when I say unexpected, believe me, I mean it. I was there for a month, only with my grandma. I had my own space, my own peace, away from the daily family dramas that I’m surrounded by every single day when I’m in Croatia. Coming back to Croatia because my university practice was about to start (it hasn’t started yet, I can’t wait though!!!), my mental health was getting gradually worse, day by day. I was a complete mess a couple days ago. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I felt like an absolute disaster. I feel a tiny bit better now but still not okay really. Besides being mentally exhausted, I’m also physically sick. I hope it’s not corona virus round two because that would be the cherry on top. I need to be healthy so I can at least leave the house and go for a walk freely. I also want to start going to the gym because it’s about time I regain my health once for all. I want to have a healthy body, which will then help maintain a healthy mind and the bonus that I get is being satisfied with the way I look. I used to have a problem with binge eating for about seven years. I have somehow solved that problem and now I’m about 8 kg lighter than I was at this time last year. The things is that I’m still very insecure about everything. I don’t understand it sometimes. It’s just hard, really hard. I question myself all the time, I doubt myself all the time. I’m always so stressed about how I may sound to people who don’t know me. I wish I could just breathe and not overthink every, and I mean every tiny little thing I do. I always feel like explaining myself. I wish I could just be, and not feel the need to explain or justify anything about my being. It’s so tiring. It affects creating new relationships so much. Only when I’m getting to know someone new do I realise how much I still have to work on myself. I feel like my insecurities keep me in a cage; because of that I can’t be free and just be my natural self. I’m very self-aware but then again, I’m know I don’t appreciate myself enough nor do I know my worth. The first relationship that I have to nourish is the one with myself, only then will the rest of them feel good. That’s what I have to achieve. I should not question myself like this on a daily basis. There’s so much more to say, but for today, I think this is where I’ll stop. I’ll go listen to some music and try not to overthink, which I also struggle with on a daily basis. Right now, I think it’s obvious that I’m a mess. I hope it won’t last for too long. 

May I receive some light soon; I deserve it. 

♡ Albesa  

 

Never-ending challenges

Thursday / October 22, 2020

I have so much to say and express yet I feel stuck in my own mind. I feel like I don’t really know how to express myself anymore. I try and I try but I can’t seem to find the proper words, the words that come close to how I’m feeling. I’ve been feeling miserable. I’ve been feeling anxious. I constantly have to do something. Study harder, take care of my eating habits, take care of this, take care of that. I really need a break. But how do I take a break? All of these things are constantly on my mind, I feel like I’m failing; every day. I feel like I’m not doing enough. And last but not least; I feel like I’m wasting my life. I rarely have fun. I never go out. I’m having troubles being around people again, so staying at home seems like the easiest option. I was doing so good with my eating habits, but this past month, I’ve noticed myself reaching for food out of boredom, which is what I struggled with for years. I don’t wanna go down that path again. It’s dark and scary. I must not let myself feel discouraged the moment I get challenged by those old patterns. I must stand tall and say ‘no’ to everything that causes me damage. Life feels all over the place right now. Unexpected things are happening. Our family business will no longer be ours in two months. God knows what’s gonna happen; will we open a new business and be somewhat successful? Is it gonna work? There are many questions in my head. I hate uncertainity. I guess I’ll have to wait and see. My fears are creeping in again but I guess it’s gonna be okay. Fingers crossed.

Til’ next time

♡ Albesa 

The best story ever (confronting my fears, having hard conversations, becoming healthier, and moving on)

Monday / September 28, 2020.

I’ve been writing a journal since I was 16. At the age of 19, almost four years ago, I created this blog that I also call journal. I was a miserable journalism student, feeling stuck, feeling lost, battling depression and anxiety while studying something I thought I liked but actually wasn’t for me at all. It’s been a wild ride. I haven’t stopped writing on here ever since. This journal has been with me through it all; the awful days, the empty days and the better days. I’ve written in so many of stories, how I wish I had something nice to say, how I wish I didn’t have so many sad things to write about, how I wish I didn’t have to write about my fears all the time. I don’t regret any of those stories, however, I’m so glad this day to write about something beautiful has finally come. Dear journal, today’s story is probably the best story I’ve ever written; here we go. So, as I said, I’ve written about my depression, anxiety, fears, and family dramas so much. After living in constant fear of family devastation, fear of failure, fear of incapability due to mental illness, I’m happy to say that I’ve made a huge step towards making peace with my fears. I dared to confront my dad and ask him about something I had known for almost seven years which had been one of the key factors of my depression ever since I’ve found out about it. I was so afraid of talking about it, asking questions about it, thinking it would only cause even more damage. But about a week ago, without even planning it, I did it. I openly talked about it. I asked questions, I asked what I wanted to know. And I survived. Nothing bad happened. What my dad told me was quite expected, I’m not surprised, but things are more clear to me now anyway, even though I didn’t really get the answers I needed. My mom didn’t know about any of this, I never told her because I didn’t want her to be upset, but I had that talk with her too. Keeping it a secret from her had been haunting me for years, and even though I was forced to tell her otherwise someone else was about to do it, I’m actually glad it happened. I’m still traumatised by that day and how I had to tell her but I’m here, I’m alive, my mom is alive, and I don’t have to be afraid of her finding out about it from someone else and being even more hurt. Things have been hard, but now that I’ve confronted two huge things that were causing me pain, I feel like I can finally start to breathe freely again. I feel like I finally, after all these years, don’t have to think about all of those things every single day. I can finally discover how nice can one simple day be. What a luxury. On to another huge thing; I passed my exams! I left my first university due to depression back in 2017. My mental illness was very severe and I was not able to study. That was three years ago, I’m not in that place in life anymore but the fear of being incapable still remains. To this day, I’m still terrified of being in such a bad mental state, being depressed to the point where my brain is completely blank, having awful memory. To this day, the thought of not being able to study, learn and process new information which I need in order to graduate and pursue my dream of becoming a social worker still terrifies me and it’s something that’s devastating for me. But I passed!! It was hard as hell but oh my god, I passed! My fears are the product of my past experiences, my traumas. But after those hard conversations and confrontations, after passing my exams, I think I can finally start to believe in myself a little more again. I think I’m finally able to see that I’m really not in that dark place in my life anymore. I’ve gotten better. I really have. I can’t believe it, but actions speak for themselves. I wasn’t brave enought to do any of these things a year ago; my anxiety creating terrifying scenarios in my head would always take over me and stop me from doing what I needed to do so badly. But I feel that I’m healthier now. I’m not in 2017, studying something I dislike anymore. I was terrified when I started school again this time last year. But I made it, year one of school of social work is done. Year two starts in a couple hours. I can’t believe it. I’m worried about a ton of things, but my soul feels less heavy. I still need to process everything. All of this is just too good to be true; that’s how it seems. It took me two years of therapy to learn to accept things, to stop trying to control every little thing about my life, to try again, to challenge myself to get out of my comfort zone, explore my options, have hard conversations, set boundaries and much more. Two years of intense inner work. And it’s all paying off. It truly does get better. Here’s to having hard conversations that we’ve avoided for the longest time, here’s to confronting friends, family members and everyone who hasn’t treated you nicely, here’s to trying again in school, at work, hobby or whatever you’ve been afraid of. Here’s to becoming healthier versions of ourselves.

Thank you to my grandma for being my source of strength through whatever life puts me through.

Thank you to my best friends who have gone through it all with me even though they had their own struggles.

Thank you to my sisters who make living at home easier and always have my back.

And last but not least, thank you to my amazing therapist who has done an amazing job helping me see beyond my fears, traumas, and limitations I created in my head. We make an awesome team.

Til next time,

♡ Albesa 

3:55 AM, anxiety and kind reminders

Wednesday / September 2, 2020

I’m going through another crisis; this too shall pass. These feelings are hard to live with, but it will pass. These feelings are with me today, but tomorrow, maybe they will slowly start to walk away. These feelings make it harder to breathe but it will eventually become easier. These feelings are not my entire life. These thoughts are a product of my fear, and my fear is always worse than reality. I still don’t know what tomorrow, and the day after that will bring. I guess I have to keep breathing and see what happens. This is not easy, but I will survive. This time, and every time. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

♡ Albesa 

ps: check on your loved ones and let them know how much they mean to you

Acknowledging uncomfortable thoughts & emotions

Saturday / June 6, 2020

It’s been quite some time since I’ve last sat down, just me and my laptop, and wrote until I no longer had anything to say. I’ve been so anxious, stressed, and overwhelmed the last couple of weeks, to the point where I couldn’t make myself do anything. I think I didn’t care about anything, I just wanted to sleep until it’s all over. I only cared enough to write about my grandma. Exams are coming, it’s almost been a year since my grandma passed away and it just gets too much sometimes. I’m feeling so many emotions right now, all at once. Based on my past experiences, exams make my fear of failure come to life, my anxiety level increases by 1000% and it just makes me worry all day every day. The thought of failing and not making it to year two of uni as I planned is just very terrifying and disappointing. I don’t want that to happen, I really don’t. I must explain to myself that even if things don’t go as planned, I’m still gonna find a way to keep going. Even if things don’t go as planned, it’s still not over. I also have to learn to worry about something when it’s real, not when it’s only made up in my head. I haven’t failed yet (and I hope I won’t), therefore why torture myself so much thinking about it? But that’s exactly what anxiety does to you, you’re scared of things that haven’t happened, but could happen, but at the same time, there’s no proof that they are gonna happen. What a terrible thing to live with. Writing helps, taking walks helps, meditating helps, taking a break to just breathe helps and imagining positive outcomes helps. So I try to do that as well. Sometimes my optimistic self and anxious self get confused. Most of the time, I don’t know what’s going on either. All I know is that when it comes, it takes over me in an instant. Instead of trying to run away from it by distracting myself with something else, I just have to breathe and let it do its thing for a couple minutes. I have to learn to do this always, not just sometimes. Fighting anxiety back by trying to ignore it or run away from it only makes things even worse. I think I’m feeling like this because that’s exactly what I’ve mostly been doing these last couple of weeks. I tried running away from my uncomfortable thoughts by listening to music, watching movies, scrolling Instagram, the list goes on and on. It only got worse. Now that I’m writing about it and acknowledging it all, it feels slightly easier to exist. I need to set reminders on my phone or something, to remind me to process my thoughts and emotions, even the most uncomfortable ones that I can’t stand, like these ones going through my mind at this exact moment. My grandma’s death, well, what can I even say about it? It’s almost been a year, the crisis that comes with missing someone so much is very, very painful. And there’s nothing to do about it. For the first time in my life, I’m aware that I can’t just do something about it. There’s nothing to do. There’s no coming back from death. There’s no going back to that one last hug you never knew would be the last one. There’s no going back to that one last goodbye before I left her house. I can only remember our moments and conversations and be thankful that I have something to hold on to. It’s hard, extremely hard. My grandma has always believed in me and that really keeps me going through these difficult times. I take that fact as reassurance that everything is gonna turn out okay and that I’ll be fine. I’m glad I’m here writing this story because it’s such an important part of this year, one I’ll never forget. I’m going through something very complex because it’s a lot of things all at once, things that typically have nothing to do with each other – exams and grandma. I must also mention that I feel like I’ve grown and learned so much lately. I’m getting more and more comfortable with who I am as a person, sharing my opinions and thoughts, and not getting approval. My eating habits have improved drastically. I don’t cope with emotions using food anymore which gives food a whole different meaning and purpose for me. I’m not stressed when I eat anymore, nor do I stress about what I eat as much anymore. I’ve been practicing listening to my body and so far, it’s been going really well. What else do I have to write about? Okay, there is a little something, but let’s give it time before it makes it to my journal. I don’t have to write about every little thing that happens, right? (well I actually do though, sorry not sorry). Anyway, I think that’s about it for today. I can’t wait to write an update on this one. 

These challenges that I’m going through, if nothing else, make my story more interesting. 

Til next time,

Albesa ♡

ps: this is a little thank you to everyone who’s been there for me through these difficult times. You know who you are. 

 

 

Freaking out and breathing

[1:55 AM / Sunday / January 13, 2019]

Hello my dear journal, my dear people, here I come again. Where else could I possibly go  with all of these emotions if not here? I don’t really know how to say it but I’m really scared. The environment I live in is unfortunately toxic and unhealthy, I feel the pressure coming from a bunch of different sources, I’m expecting an important job-related email that could really change my life for the better and I’m slowly starting to run out of patience with everything. I’ve been very calm these last two and a half months and in a really good place mentally. Every day has been a new start for me. I’ve been breathing and communicating with myself. ‘It’s all good’ I say and take a few deep breaths, and then go on with another positive thought which is ‘time will give you the answers, you’ll figure it all out.’ Now that I’m writing this and going through my emotions deeply, I realize how much it helps to write about them, talk about them and most importantly, analyze them. We have to stay in touch with our inner persona who sometimes goes way too far into the future. I have a fear of the unknown and since I don’t know what the future holds for me, I think it’s obvious why I’ve been feeling anxious. The unhealthy environment I live in makes me think about the future too much and that’s where my anxiety comes from. I want to remind myself that all I have is right now, not yesterday and not tomorrow. Since nothing is happening right now, I want to enjoy it and not waste it away by thinking about what my life will look like in a couple of months. Life is unpredictable, I don’t know if I’ll get that email. But even if I don’t get it, I want to believe I’ll create another opportunity for myself which will maybe work out even better. Who knows? I think it’s all gonna be good as long as I’m trying. I just have to learn not to freak out so much. I have to learn to stay healthy in unhealthy conditions too. I really only want to live in my own little world, which is kind to me and is in peace with my past, my present, and my future. 

Breathe.

Love, Albesa

Good or bad? (only time will show)

[12:40 PM / Sunday / June 22, 2018]

I’ve been wanting to take some time, sit down and write for a few days now and I’m finally here thinking about all of the things I want to mention in this story. I want to talk about my journey so far. I’m talking about my health, my growth, my development and stuff like that. I’ve been writing about my journey ever since I started this blog (which I like to call journal because that’s basically what it is). I’ve written stories while I was feeling low, I’ve written stories while I was feeling much better and it shows nothing more and nothing less than the raw reality of dealing with emotional pain. There are some absolutely awful days when you feel like you’re dying, which is probably one of the most terrible feelings a human being can feel, and there are brighter days when you actually dare to imagine yourself living a happier life. There is this thing in the human brain that is called imagination. The thing with imagination is that it’s one of the biggest liars ever. Now, why am I saying this? Because the negative things we imagine in our head are mostly not true. Everything we spend the night thinking about is most likely not that big of a deal as it seems to be. We stress so much about things we’re not sure are even going to happen, we overthink about opinions of people who know nothing about us and in the end what we do is hurt ourselves because we take our imagination way too far, we take it deep inside of us and let it become a dark piece of our daily life. Let me tell you my college story one more time. I applied for college back in 2016. even though I knew I wasn’t mentally prepared for something like that because it requires a lot of effort, time and focus. Being an unhealthy person (depression, anxiety, sleep disorder, eating disorder…) it was impossible for me to dedicate my time and my energy to all of the studying I had to do. I went to college for a year, I passed a few exams and came to an end of the first year. When the final exams came, I knew that was the end of my college journey, I knew I couldn’t push it any further. I didn’t know how to tell my parents who knew nothing about my struggles. June 2017. was probably one of the darkest months I have ever lived through, my depression, my anxiety and my overthinking made me suffer to the point where I really wasn’t sure if I could make it to another day. I couldn’t study, I couldn’t read, I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t sleep. I would spend my days (nights)  watching movies because it would help me forget about my struggles for a little bit. The clock was ticking, exams were coming and I was getting worse. One night, I burst into tears and told my parents I had to leave college which was devastating for them way more than it was for me. I told them I tried because of them and I told them that I couldn’t push it any longer. Something I never thought I could do, something I spent nights and nights thinking about happened. I left college. Me telling my parents about it, me actually not going back to college, it was all way worse in my imagination. It felt terrible in reality, it wasn’t an easy thing to deal with but the image was so much worse, it caused me so much pain and it wasn’t even real. Here I am, one year later feeling one thousand percent better, feeling like a completely different person, much better and much healthier. And who would have known? Back in 2017. leaving college seemed like the most terrible thing that I never wanted to happen but one year later, when I see how much my life has changed, I’m thankful for that decision, I admire myself for leaving something that was causing me even more pain than I was already dealing with. The point of this story is that you never really know if something is good or bad. You just don’t. You don’t get that answer right away, you have to let time pass and show you what was meant for you and what was not. I got my answer one year later. Leaving college which back in the day felt like the most terrible thing ever is one of the best decisions I have ever made. I’m in a much better place now, not torturing myself, I’m much healthier and I feel better about life in general. While becoming healthier and trying to improve the quality of my life out of college, I got a job which helps me be financially stable, I regulated my sleep, I do what fulfills me almost every day and the best part of it is that I got the chance to rethink and realize that I actually want to study something else. I studied journalism which is great but I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. All the hardships that I went through made me realize that journalism wasn’t the best option for me otherwise I would have found a way to keep fighting, right? Life is unpredictable and things are never as bad as they seem. Try to look at things as if they were people. You can’t just look at someone and assume that that the person you’re looking at likes extra cheese on their pizza without even having talked to them, ever in your life. You don’t know that person, you don’t have experience with that person and it’s the same with things in life. You don’t know if something is good or bad, and just because you think a certain way it doesn’t mean they are really like that. The best way to get to know if something is good or bad is to try, see the result of your actions and see how it affects your life. I tried going to college, the result wasn’t good and it affected my life negatively. These are the three things that are enough for you to leave. Leave for the better, improve your life, create a new plan and follow it. While creating a new plan, make sure you know that plans are never easy and smooth so prepare yourself for some possible adjustment in the process. Remember that it’s easier to change the plan than to give up and keep being a miserable person. No change is as hard as going to sleep knowing you disappointed yourself as if you were your own biggest enemy. Think about what you want and go for it. Your life is a reflection of your mindset and your decisions. It’s never too late and it’s never as hard as we think it is, but in order to see that, the first thing to do is try. Always remember your vision and don’t get discouraged so easily. Don’t be ashamed to ask for help. Life can be so much different a year from now but it only becomes different if you make changes. The power is in your mindset and it’s you who has to realize that and finally start using it.

Leaving college is not the worst thing in the world. The idea of me leaving college caused me so many negative emotions because I come from a family who didn’t even get the chance to go to high school, let alone college. I thought my parents would think I was being ungrateful and lazy. I thought my parents would be disappointed and never get over it. I was feeling the pressure to keep going to college because my parents never got the chance to do it. But we are not our parents, and no matter how much we love them, we have to think about what we want because we are the ones who know our deepest selves and we are the ones who know what can make us truly happy. Your parents might get mad in the beginning but they will eventually get over it. When they see you doing what you love, they’re going to be happy even if they disagreed in the beginning. Do your thing and don’t worry, it’s not that bad! 

Love, Albesa

Growth, gratitude, and improvement

[2:09 PM / Sunday / June 17 2018]

Here I am once again, starting a story without really knowing what I’m gonna write. I’m not worried about it though, the stories that I write without planning them turn out being the most relieving ones. Anyway, let’s start. I don’t like the fact that I haven’t written in so long. Actually, I have written a bunch of stories but they’re kind of all over the place. I own way too many notebooks and each of them contains small bits of stories that I started writing in another notebook. I’ve been quite confused these days. I don’t really know how I feel anymore and I truly mean it when I say it. Things have not been getting better or worse, they’re kind of the same most of the time. I got used to my new, work life, routine and I like it because I finally feel like my life makes sense, at least a little bit. When it comes to work, I must mention that I’m doing pretty good however, I know I haven’t been trying my hardest. I’m not gonna start with excuses, I’m just gonna say that I’m gonna work harder and be even more content with my work. A month and a half have gone by since I started working and, oh boy, time goes so fast! I got my first ever salary which felt so strange because I felt like a real adult for the first time in my 20 years of life. Since I’m talking about work, let me mention that I told my manager about my anxiety problems. I had to do it because she asked me why I never ate in the kitchen where all of my colleagues eat. Her answer was the answer that I was expecting; ‘it’s all in your head.’ So many things were going through my mind at that moment. When I came home, one of the things I wrote down in my notebook was this one: ‘people tell me ‘it’s all in your head’ without realizing that that’s exactly the biggest problem people like me deal with. We suffer because it’s in our heads, it’s us who have to live with it day by day. It’s us who have to fight with it day by day. It’s me worrying about every little thing around me, it’s me that I’m afraid of what will happen tomorrow. If those thoughts about me were in someone else’s head, I wouldn’t spend a single minute worrying about it, trust me.’ I can’t remember if I’ve ever written anything more truthful than that. I don’t think I’ve ever agreed with myself more. I have realized one more time that people don’t understand the struggle that anxiety and depression bring, neither do I expect them to anymore. I remember describing it in a few words and it just never worked. My pain, my struggle and my fear, they were always belittled, which only ended up causing me even more negative emotions. I’m okay now, I really am. I’m aware of everything, I’m trying not to think about anything that makes me unhappy, I’m trying to improve the quality of my life. I have a few plans that make me happy just thinking about them so I’m gonna work on those. One of the best things you can do for yourself is keep yourself busy with the things that fulfill you so choose a few things you would like to do more and every time you have some extra time, do one of those things. Spend your time in peace, spend your time away from places/things that remind you of rough times, disappointments, a broken friendship or a broken relationship. Work hard on creating a new, healthier surrounding that will make you feel like a new person which has nothing to do with who you were or where you’ve been in the past. You have the right to start over anytime you want, you have the right to make changes and make the most out of your time while you’re still alive. You have the right to do the things that people disagree with as long as you know that the option you’re choosing is the best option for you. Cherish the things we usually take for granted, cherish your health, your family, friends, food, your roof over your head. Gratitude, compassion, and positivity are a way of life, it takes some time to learn to live like that but once you’re there, you’ll realize how simple some things can be if we don’t makeup things in our heads. Let people know how much they mean to you, be that one ‘annoying’ friend who keeps saying ‘I love you’ all the time. If that’s a part of you, don’t hide it. I tell my cousin/best friend I love her at least 5 times a week because I really do and when that thought comes into my head, I express it. Acting cold or emotionless is not really my thing neither do I think it’s cool or funny. Emotions are meant to be expressed otherwise you’ll kill yourself way before you’re really dead. Oh, yeah, let me end this story with some nice things. I feel like I’ve grown even more since I’ve started working. I acknowledge every little bit of my progress and it makes me extremely happy. I’m also continuing my therapy very soon which is absolutely awesome. I’ll be out of the dark room sooner than I know! My goal for this month is to keep this positive mindset and keep moving forward. That’s basically it, I don’t think I have anything left to say at the moment. I’ll definitely write more in the future, I’ll try at least once a week. We’ll see, no worries, no pressure. My dear people, I wish you a good time and a healthier life. Work hard on yourself, achieve what you want to achieve and stay humble. And to all the hardships, heartbreaks and disappointments, it’s time to say goodbye. We’re all leaving you behind.

We got this.

Love, Albesa

The surprises that life brings

[7:46 PM /  Saturday / May 19, 2018]

It’s been over a month since I’ve last written anything. It’s so strange that you feel like nothing is really happening but when you look back, you have so many things to write about and that’s exactly why, all of a sudden, I feel the urge to express myself and mention everything that happened. I want to start by saying that it’s true when people say ‘your life can be so different a month from now’. It sounds like a cliche and quite unbelievable but here I am, a living example that life can change and that patience does pay off. About a month ago, I was laying in bed, probably swearing out of madness caused by the pain I was feeling in my leg. I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t sleep and I couldn’t stop being bitter about life. Basically, I wasn’t in a good place, neither physically or mentally. It was around 4 PM when my sister woke me up telling me she had a job for me. I woke up and asked her ‘how dare you wake me up’ and she told she would never wake me up if it wasn’t important. And she wasn’t lying. She got offered a job which she couldn’t accept being a fulltime student so she asked me if I wanted to try. The chance was too good and knowing that I had to make changes in my life, I decided to try. I was scared and overwhelmed but I made it. I applied for the job, wrote a motivational letter and a week later, got invited for a job interview. I couldn’t believe that something good was happening. I went there, did the interview and left the company feeling like I did good but still could have done much better. I had zero expectations because I’m quite young (the youngest people who work there are college educated people in their late 20s) and even though I speak many languages, which is the most important part of the job, I didn’t want to have my hopes high and then end up disappointed. About 2 weeks had gone by when I got an email saying I got the job. I wasn’t at home by that time, my sister told me about it. I couldn’t believe, I thought she was joking. I left the company feeling like I could have done much better so the fact that I got the job was insane. Here I am a month later, writing this as an employed person who’s been busy trying to get used to the new routine. I wake up at 6:15 AM and get home and 6:15 PM. I don’t have a lot of free time so the first thing that I noticed is that time is so precious. I go to sleep at 10:30 so I try to be as productive as possible in those 4 hours. I even forget to check my phone, which I thought I was addicted to. Basically, life is much different than it used to be. I’m not running from my social anxiety anymore, I’m dealing with it on a daily basis and even though it’s hard, I see that I’m not dying like I thought I would. I don’t hear my family dramas that often anymore (which is so so so good!!!). I fixed my sleeping problems and I appreciate my time more than ever which is why I don’t deal with childish situations anymore. I’m becoming more responsible and more independent. No one has my back at work so I have to have it. The people around me are kind and nice but my anxiety doesn’t let me relax. I don’t really know how to talk to them first so I may seem self-centered or something similar. Even if they talk to me first, I feel like I sound stupid so I often don’t continue the conversation. I spend my lunch break reading books while everyone’s having lunch in the kitchen. I spent almost five years isolated, spending time only with people that I’ve known my entire life so now that I’m surrounded by a group of complete strangers, I hope I learn how to be around people without feeling like I’m gonna pass out. All in all, life is so much different than it used to be just a month ago. It’s hard but I’m extremely happy. I’m all about making changes because I know that good things happen and the work that we put in pays off. I know staying patient pays off. Majority of the people around me are super supportive and I’m so thankful for that. As a person who is extremely emotional, every single drop of support is welcome and it means so much to me. I want to continue creating myself, become a confident person and believe in myself and my abilities. I want to learn as many things as possible and then help others find their light in all the darkness they might have felt over the years. That’s basically it. There is more stuff that I would write about but I prefer to end this story with positive vibes. Keep going, keep trying and stay patient. Hardships are not forever and choosing to believe that you can change your life is the first step you must take in order to become a happier and healthier version of yourself. Never stop hoping. I root for every single one of you. 

We got this.

Love, Albesa 

Patience

[12:43 AM / Tuesday / April 10 2018]

While feeling low and fighting with emotional pain, I started considering patience a neccessity. Let me tell you why. Patience has saved me so many times. It has saved me from saying things out of anger, it has saved me from hurting myself and hurting the ones around me. More importantly, it has saved my sanity. It has made me stop and re-think and thanks to that, I made healthier and better decisions. I know there are people who are naturally a little temperament but I feel like patience is a quality that you can work on just like you work on some other skills, like riding a bike or dancing. I think it’s one of those things that can improve if you work on it hard enough. I know changing a part of your routine isn’t the easiest task in the world but the thing is that, the changes that are hard to make always turn out to be the most rewarding ones. I’ve always been a patient person but my patience wasn’t big enough back in 2013. when I first got anxiety and depression. I didn’t know how to deal with emotional pain since I had never experienced it before, it was scary, overwhelming and I felt like I was dying. I still struggle with emotional pain, however, I do have to say that nowadays I deal with it quite good since I’ve learned so many things over the years and one of them is how not to lose control. My way of dealing with depression and anxiety is isolation. I mostly rely on myself and my therapist when it comes to my depression. My best friends are also my big supporters and we’re always there for each other but since they have their own problems, my problems can get a little to much for them to handle which is why I prefer writing. I prefer being on my own when I’m having a hard time because it makes me search for solutions. My solution always happens to be patience. It could be that I’m under control of negative emotions which causes me pain and then what I usually do is write down what I can do to make it better. It’s always good to write about happy and beautiful things in life since those are the ones that make life worth living. While writing about those things, you actually remind yourself that not everything is as bad as it seems in those depressive hours. Writing down your goals boosts your patience levels because you imagine yourself in a better place than you are now and you actually want to stay alive to experience life from your imagination. And staying alive requires patience because life is not simple and we must learn how not to get hurt from every little thing that can happen. Not forcing things is also a form of patience. Be patient and see where things are going naturally, whether it’s about school, college, work, friendship or relationship. Forcing things that are clearly not functioning is not something you should insist on. It’s gonna make you feel exhausted because you’re not gonna get back that same energy you invest in other people. Try but make sure you know when to stop. Start working towards being your own priority. Patiently work hard and be aware that life doesn’t change overnight. Never stop creating yourself. Never stop learning things they never taught us in school. Life might be hard at the moment but remember that your life is gonna keep being the same as long as you keep doing the same things over and over again. Start changing your life by reading a book for example. I know that not everyone is a book person but the amount of knowledge and wisdom that is brought by books is amazing. They are a source of priceless information that can help you become a better/healthier person and are healthy for your brain which sometimes turns off after hours and hours of pointless scrolling your Instagram feed. Acknowledge what you haven’t developed yet and start working on it. Ask for help if you need to. Watch movies about it if you prefer that over reading books. Talk to strangers and older people. Just start somewhere. Become a better version of yourself, day by day. Work on your patience, take a deep breath when you feel like you’re going crazy, walk away when something makes you upset and don’t let that darkness take over you and make you do something you wouldn’t normally do. Acknowledge that not every situation requires your reaction. You can deal with things quietly, without causing any damage. 

The words written above are written based on my personal experience. I’ve learned that things that feel so far away are actually the things I can reach very fast if I start walking down the path of never-ending growth. 

Love, Albesa

It’s all good (ups and downs)

[6:30 PM / Friday / March 16 2018]

To be completely honest, I lose my inspiration quite often, especially when I feel down  for more than three days in a row. There is a lot of inspiration in the pain some of us experience but sometimes I just don’t want to write about it. Sometimes I just don’t want to give it so much attention. Then again, I love that I feel much better when I express my feelings through my stories, without having to talk to anyone or without having to worry if I’ve been understood or not. Emotions are worth writing about, good or bad, especially when you’re not really good at expresing them verbally, like me. It’s fine though. I don’t really have much to say, I had some really bad days, I had some better days but all in all it’s good that I always find a way to deal with everything. I’ve been doing more of what I love, which I had left behind completely. I feel much better because of it and I hope I continue like this. My advice for people who are struggling mentally is to spend time doing what you love. If you don’t have a problem with concentrating, read a book, little by little and then write whatever you remember about it. It’s good for your brain and for your mind. If a book doesn’t work, watch movies or tv-series, the ones that seem like you can learn something from. My leg has been hurt for the past five months and I can’t walk properly right now. I’m forced to stay at home which made me feel very miserable because I usually go for a walk every time I feel low. I go out and take some photographs of whatever catches my eye. I can’t do that right now so I took my camera and started taking photos of random things in my house. There are a lot of things I never paid attention to before and I never realized that until now. It helped a lot because it made me feel like I actually did something in my day, besides overthinking and making myself feel even worse. I also watched a lot of turkish movies which I’m completely impressed by. I also read 30 pages of a really good book the other day. I managed to focus and remember quite a lot from those 30 pages which made me extremely happy because it means that I’ve made some progress considering the fact that I couldn’t focus a few months ago when I had to study for my college exams which is partially why I was obligated to drop out and work on my mental health. I told myself I was gonna try to read more often from now on even if it doesn’t turn out the way I expect it to. What else should I mention? Oh yes, I cooked today. For the first time in a week which is unlike me. I usually cook every day but feeling low I had zero wish for none of these things until I told myself I had to stop spending my time like this. I made myself realize that I wasn’t gonna feel better by laying in bed and keeping my mind nowhere but where it’s not supposed to be. My dear people, try to get up and do something. Something small, just so you have something good to remember about today’s day. Step by step, day by day. Life is good when we manage to focus on the right things. Pain is not forever. Your wish to die is not forever. Stay alive and give yourself a chance to experience the joy of life, the joy of having your life together. Your past is not gonna be your future if you don’t let it be. Remember that life is gonna keep being the same as long as we keep doing the same things over and over again. What didn’t work once or twice is not gonna work the third time so start changing the smallest things in your routine. It’s gonna have a very positive effect on your life. Sleep enough and don’t stay up late. Eat food that is good for you so it doesn’t affect your energy and self-confidence. It’s gonna be fine, just keep going and keep fighting.

We got this.

Love, Albesa

A result of a sleepless night 2

[2:30 AM / Saturday / February 25 2018]

I feel like I’ve been thrown to the wolves. I feel like I’m dying as time is passing by. I feel my spirit getting exhausted from all the heavy weight it has to deal with. I feel my heart pounding like crazy because I’m stuck in this unknown zone. I call it ‘unknown zone’ because at this point, I know nothing about my life. Absolutely nothing. I don’t know where I’m going and where I’m gonna end up. I have better days but I’m not getting better. I have faith in the good but I’m so afraid of the bad. I’m terrified. I try so hard to keep myself busy, I really do. I waste my time effortlessly scrolling through the nonsense on the Internet just so I don’t have to think about my misery. This is not me. I see myself in the mirror but this is not me. I’ve never been a person who gives up easily. I’ve never been a person who likes to sit at home and do nothing productive all day. I used to be obsessed with the things that fulfill me. Walking around with my camera used to be a routine of mine. I used to see beauty everywhere, even in the things I saw every day. It didn’t matter, they were never boring. I used to go for a walk everytime I felt myself getting hit by my anxiety and it helped me a lot. I still do that but not as often and as much as I need it. I find myself looking for stupid excuses for not doing something that could help me. ‘It’s cold outside.’ ‘I’m tired, I haven’t slept in 30 hours.’ ‘I’m gonna do something productive at home.’ Who am I lying to? Who am I trying to fool? I know I’m not doing my best, I’m really not. It’s not an excuse but I know why. I get discouraged so easily. And since it’s so easy, it happens a hundred times a day. And that’s a really bad thing. Things that happen on a daily basis, even the smallest ones, they break my heart and they take my willingness away. I’m constantly reminded of things I want to forget. I want to forget so many things, yet I feel them spreading poison inside my body. It’s not my fault. A lot of things happened over the last four and a half years and I lost myself trying to find a way to deal with them. I haven’t found a way to deal with my emotions other than sitting at home feeling completely heartbroken. I have not used my tragedies as motivation like a lot of people do. I didn’t know how to live with them so I, unintentionally, let them dictate my life. It brought me nowhere but these curvy roads of doubt, fear and disappointment. I see it now. I see that I should have thought more about myself and less about everybody else. I see that I shouldn’t have thought that I could protect everyone. I shouldn’t have thought that I can force myself to forgive people for letting me down so badly. I should have said it a long time ago, that I’m hurt and disappointed, but I haven’t because I didn’t want to make them feel bad about their actions. Does keeping my mouth shut means I’m supporting their actions that have hurt me? Does that mean that I’m as guilty as them? My dear people, I have said it before but I’m gonna say it again. I have learned so much about myself and other people while being at my lowest. People are not gonna treat you right just because you treat them right. Such a thing has become rare a long time ago. Don’t expect people to care about you the way you care about them. People are afraid of letting other people into their life and the best way to prevent that is acting cold. You’re gonna meet those kind of people and I can guarantee you, that’s the case in most of the times. People get hurt and traumatized. They develop many fears such as meeting new people and getting let down once again. Fear of getting more personal with someone because they might use it for wrong purpose. Trust issues, self-doubt, pesimism and many other serious disorders ocurr. I must make myself act deaf and blind sometimes. I must do that so that I don’t see things that break my heart. I only want to feel alive from now on because I’ve been feeling dead for a long time now and I don’t accept that version of me. I hate it. Hate doesn’t have a place in my heart, never has, never will. I want my heart to pound like crazy, but from happiness and positive excitement, not from anxiety and depression. I want to beat this dark and toxic version of myself so that, one day, I can help others do the same thing. I want to prove myself that life can be beautiful even after being broken. I want to be an example to people who suffer like me. I want to give them hope and support to become healthy and happy again. I’m gonna put in work in myself and then work on getting the possibility to help others. I’m gonna achieve everything that I dream of and non of this darkness will ever stop me. It might make my heart break, but my spirit, never. 

Sending light, positivity and support to everyone who needs it. 

We got this.

Love, Albesa

Late night emotions, thoughts and imagination

[1:00 AM / Thursday / February 15 2018]

Sometimes it gets extra hard. Sometimes you feel like you can’t deal with anything anymore. The moment you start feeling like your chest is burning in a fire with no mercy; write, cry, scream, do whatever, just let it out. Let that painful monster get out of your chest so you can sleep peacefully, even just for an hour or two. Sometimes I don’t even know who I am anymore, I don’t know if I know anyone I’m surrounded by, I don’t know anything. Sometimes I believe that I’m strong enough to challenge myself and see how I’m gonna survive and sometimes I just want to stay in this dark room forever. Actually, it’s not that I want to do that, it’s just what I know and what I’m apparently good at, considering the fact that I’ve spent here almost five years. My heart is broken, my mind is confused and my body doesn’t feel any better either. Every little thing hurts. Every single one. There’s so much damage in me. Is it my fault? Am I responsible for this? Will I feel better if I blame someone else for my pain? Will I ever go out and feel alive like I used to? Will I ever go out and not feel like I’m gonna have a heart attack? There are many questions but zero answers. Why am I even looking for answers? They won’t heal my broken heart anyway, they won’t make me forget about my dissapointments. You know, I talk to people and I laugh with them and I think about how happy I seem to be. I come home and I wonder; do people ever suspect that I’m not doing well? Not that it matters, it’s just something I think about sometimes. People are such good actors. People choose to get burned in their own fire of feelings rather than openly saying how they really feel. The fear of saying it out loud is incredibly strong because our expectations don’t always match the reality. The fear of not knowing what’s gonna happen next is terrifying and that’s why we accept this painful zone rather than all the hard work required for getting out it, which to a lot of people, often feels impossible. It’s not impossible, it’s really not. The walls we build around us are our biggest enemies, they’re not our protectors as we think they are. Those walls are stopping us from doing what we want to do. We have plans, we have ideas and visions when we close our eyes but once we open them, everything is gone. Why? Why do we choose to just stare at these walls instead of smashing them somehow? Why don’t we get along and help each other more? Why do we get laughed at for every little thing, even for having feelings? Sometimes I look at the world and all I see is a blank canvas. It’s sad because the world is super diverse you know, there are so many things to see, so many people to meet, so many songs to listen to yet non of that is done. What does the world want? What do I want from myself? Will I ever stop thinking about the world which I can’t control? Will I ever find peace and get out of the dark room? I’m afraid of not being able to hope anymore. I’m afraid of not being able to make my dreams my reality. I’m afraid of not being able to smash the walls I have built over the years thinking that they’re gonna protect me. We can’t hide. We can’t run away from life and what happens in it on a daily basis. The goal is to learn to control our emotions and live normally with them inside of us. The goal is to find peace and believe that you can have a nice life after all the pain you have experienced. Write, cry, scream, ask for help, do whatever it takes but never let yourself think that the walls you built are your forever. Your forever is so much brighter than the dark room with no windows. Your forever is what you see when you close your eyes and no matter how awful you might feel at the moment, you’re still gonna find a way to smash every wall that’s infront of you stopping you from walking away from all the misery. These walls are not you, this misery is not you, this pain is not you. You are what you love and what you accept. Do you accept this? Close your eyes and look at your happy self in your imagination. It feels good, right? Does it remind you of how strong you actually are? Keep your eyes closed and keep looking at your happy self while you passionately smash those walls and create a window which is gonna bring you light. Use that window as an exit from that dark room. Create a stage out of those bricks of pain and get up there. Take a bow, walk away, chase your dreams and live.

Open your eyes and do that. 

Love, Albesa

Becoming healthier

[10:10 PM / Thursday / January 25 2018]

I have chosen to change my life completely. I’m calmer than ever now that I understand that changing my life is entirely about me and my decisions. The things around me are gonna remain the same but it’s not about changing the things around me anyway, it’s about changing what I choose to focus on. I’ve been suffering from depression for four and a half years now and making changes after such a long period of time feels very scary. After all these years, I must say that I’ve learned to live with my pain, I’ve adapted my life to it and everything that’s not a part of it is terrifying. I’m afraid of trying something new, I’m afraid of the things I failed at in the past. I’m afraid of being disappointed in myself. I’m afraid of being defeated by my fears. I know that nothing is actually as bad as I think it is and to prove that to myself, I must break the ice of fear that’s stopping me from living my life. I want to start breaking that ice no matter what. I’ve had the idea that I’m wasting my life in my head for a long time now and I know I’ll have it until I make some changes. I don’t want to feel like I’m wasting my life and that’s why I’m trying to do everything that I can. The progress is slow but every small step is precious. I don’t want to feel guilty if getting out of bed is everything I feel like doing today, I’ve had days when I couldn’t do it because I just wanted to sleep my pain away. But I don’t want to do that anymore because that’s not the way to change my world. My world is not gonna change while I’m sleeping. It’s gonna be dark, unhappy and bitter until I do something to lighten it up. So I tell myself ”acknowledge your small steps and cherish them.” Small steps count too because they lead to big changes. Fear is a part of every journey but it should never be bigger and stronger than my wish to feel better. I’ve said this many times before; life will keep being the same as long as we keep doing the same things over and over again. Maybe the things I’m afraid of are the things that are life-changing. Every idea that is the opposite of every awful emotion that I feel on a daily basis is an idea worth turning into a plan. I tell myself ”follow your vision and your plan, focus on it and start doing it. It doesn’t matter if it’s 2 AM or 5 PM, make a change every time you feel that energy inside of you.” I must write down every positive thought that randomly comes into my mind. Today’s positive thought is valid and it’s encouraging. Today’s positive thought could keep me going tomorrow. Tomorrow’s positive thought could encourage me to try something that could change my depression-adapted routine. People rarely care about what I’ve been through or how much I’ve have struggled in the past. I want to give myself the support and applause I once expected from others. My goal is to learn to love myself and my life and to live in peace without having other people’s approval. ‘If you try hard enough you will succeed’; yes this is true but it’s only true when the situation is entirely about me. If other people are involved but not as interested as me, I want to learn when is the right time to stop trying. I have hurt myself way too much by trying to forgive, forget and find excuses for mistakes that were done by someone I truly loved. No matter how much I love someone, I know that distancing myself from those individuals is required when I know my goal is to be mentally healthier. While trying to make some progress, I must occupy myself with happy thoughts, occupy myself with things I love doing and overthinking about a broken trust is definitely not one of them. I must accept it, leave it somewhere behind and move on with my life. I must keep in mind that life is so much more than every negative emotion I deal with on a daily basis. I must carry that reminder with me everywhere I go. I must stay strong so that one day when I’m happy and content with my life, I can look back at everything I will have gone through and say that I’m there because I believed in my happy thoughts which became my reality.

I’m almost there.

Love, Albesa

You, your enviroment and making changes

[6:00 PM / Wednesday / January 17 2018]

We’re surrounded by so many people, so many things, so many options that we get lost trying to pick the best of everything. What is the best according to you? People surround themselves with so many other people. While trying to be in good terms with everyone, there’s a possibility you’ll end up having zero people you can call when you need someone to talk to. I’ve said this so many times but please be aware that no matter how nice you are, not everyone will like you. Be aware of the fact that you’ll never be able to please everyone. Write down people’s names and circle the ones who you can be truly honest with. Those are the ones who are worth it. Make sure you stay close only to those people who make you feel good. Make sure the people you’re surrounded by meet your standards of being a good friend. So, the best option according to me is to be friends with people who are there for you as much as you are there for them. Keep your circle small and appreciate the ones who never let you down. Make sure they know you’re thankful for them and that they can count on you anytime. If someone does something that damages your well-being, you have every right to distance yourself from them. Mental health and stability are priceless and no one has the right to take a piece of it from you. When it comes to money and material things, I try to save as much as possible and not spend my money on things I don’t need. For example: even though I don’t own a crazy lot of clothes, I still want to spend less money on it because I know I don’t need it as much as I buy it. I bought a lot of clothes in the past that ended up being worn only once or twice which is an unnecessary waste. I want to learn to manage my money better and not buy something just because I like it for a day or two. I’m teaching myself financial responsibility that way. I know I won’t always be able to afford something I will like and I don’t want to let that cause me negative emotions. I’m happy that I’m able to let it go and say ”It’s fine, I don’t need it anyway.” This proves that I don’t find satisfaction in material things more than I should which is a good sign. I’m learning every day. I’ve been appreciating time more than ever before because I spent so much of it not making any changes. I want to make a change every day now. A change that will help me feel better, live better and be a better person. It’s such a shame that we don’t see our possibilities and everything we’re capable of doing. It’s such a shame that we let our mindset us limits that in reality don’t even exist. It’s such a shame that we start to think we are what other people think of us. You’re doing good even when you think you’re wasting your time, you’re not to fat for that t-shirt, you’re not being lame when you’re being yourself. You’re so much more than your doubts. You’re so much more than an opinion of someone who doesn’t like you. People fail at different things many times but the key to success is not giving up. Fail, stand up, try again. Every failure is a lesson. Don’t judge yourself based on your past mistakes. Accept everything that happened and move on. The thing is that we change so much every day that we don’t even realize. We come to the point where we say ,,I’m not even that person anymore”, and it’s so true. You’re not your mistakes and everything you could have done better. I haven’t done big mistakes that haunt me but I do have some things I wish I could have done better. It’s fine I say. I can’t do anything about it, I can’t go back and change anything. What happened, happened. The point of your mistakes is to teach you things you’re not gonna do next time you find yourself in a simmilar situation. Pick the good things such as patience, tolerance, optimism out of everything bad. Those things are priceless. They can’t be given, they can’t be bought. They can only be found within you if you want to. If you can change something, do it. If you can’t, accept it and move on with your life. There are many things waiting for you to open your eyes while you’re sleeping and dreaming about changing something that can’t be changed.

I hope all of this makes some sense. Take care of yourself and the enviroment you’re in. We got this, my dear people. 

Love, Albesa

Who are you?

[2:24 AM / Friday / January 12 2018]

I’m not sure how this story is gonna turn out. I’m full of thoughts that I don’t know how to turn into words. I’ll try my best. Anyway, let’s start. I’m in that place in my life where all I want to do is work on myself and improve my life as much as possible. I’m in that place in my life where I no longer have space for negative energy, self-doubt and other ugly things that have dragged me down over the last four years. I don’t want to be on that same path anymore. I’m determined to grow as a person and learn about myself and the world as much as I possibly can. I’m working very hard on achieving stability, peace, harmony and confidence. I’m very happy about the fact that I’m so down for personal development and I’m even happier that I want to become the best version of myself for myself and not for someone else. It’s so imporant to work on accepting yourself the way you are and not feel pressured to be what other people expect you to be. I’ve been judged for my weight, my acne, my ears, my eyebrows and more. I have heard people commenting on my voice and the sound of my laughter which is honestly kind of crazy. Over the years, I became very self-conscious about everything written above. I started starving myself so I can be skinny as I was expected to be. I started to speak a little softer so that my voice wouldn’t sound raspy. I couldn’t recognize myself anymore. Everything I thought about was the fact that ‘I wasn’t enough’. Everyone around me seemed to be so much better than me. I spent so much time having ugly and poisonous thoughts in my mind and then I asked myself: Who are you?I had no answers to that question. All I knew about myself was that I was unhappy. I had to make some changes as soon as possible. I became so self-conscious and so anxious about everything. I couldn’t leave the house without having anxiety attacks. I isolated myself and so many things changed. I started to spend time with myself and the things I love doing. I occupied myself with my own little world. I didn’t feel the need to impress anyone in my own little world, that’s why it felt so good and peaceful. My little world accepted me the way I was, which I hadn’t had felt in a long time. Little by little, my mindset started to change. My voice is raspy and I accept it. My acne isn’t that bad at all. My ear is really not ugly. This is what my world told me and guess what? I started to bring my own little world with me everywhere I went. It feels strange because I’m still struggling but I’m working on it. I want to get rid of self-doubt completely. I want to be able to talk to people without having to worry about what they’re gonna think of me. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. It’s a work in progress. What I’ve noticed about myself is that I’ve come to the point where I feel like I know the person that I am. The girl I see in the mirror is not going to look back anymore because looking back makes her feel the same old pain over and over again. The girl I see in the mirror wants to move on and let go everything that’s been dragging her down. The girl I see in the mirror wants to live life peacefully, surrounded by people who appreciate her the way she appreciates them. I believe in improving myself and I want to do that every single day. Every single day is a new chance for learning something new about yourself and the world. Make the most out of your days. Appreciate your time. Work so hard on yourself until you’re no longer worried about the sound of your voice or the acne on your face. Work so hard on yourself until you no longer think that whatever you say sounds lame. Work so hard on yourself until you no longer feel the need to switch between three other versions of yourself depending on who you’re surrounded with. Work hard on yourself even after you’ve achieved what you wanted to achieve. You can never be too good or too smart or too nice. Be humble, be greatful, be nice to people, be nice to yourself. I hope all of you, my dear people,  including myself, make the most out of your life. I hope we all get to see that there’s so much more than pain, disappointments, doubt and sleepless nights. 

I ask myself; ‘Who are you?’ And guess what? I can’t choose between so many words I could say. Progress is precious.

Love, Albesa

A list of to-do things (kind of)

[11:37 PM / Monday / January 1 2018]

Another year of ups and downs is over. I thought about it a lot and it really was full of ups and downs, pretty much unstable to cut it short. I lost a lot of things and I gained a lot of things. Not too bad but not too good either. Out of every year I survived until now, this one was the hardest one for sure. I made it, I kept going, I’m alive and that’s why I’m saying; not too bad. I’d like to share with you a few things that I told myself I’m gonna work on more in the future. Let’s start with this one; avoid negative energy the way you avoid getting hit by a car. It doesn’t matter if you suffer from any kind of mental illness or not, take care of the enviroment you’re in. If something feels off and you can’t do anything about it, stay away from it for your own well-being. There’s a reason why it feels off and from my own experience, I believe a humans intuition is almost always the best thing to follow. I tell myself; believe in yourself more. The way people see you is not the way you are, it’s how they are. What people think of you and the things you do doesn’t define you at all. Some people will think you’re lame, some people will think you’re awesome. But that’s totally fine, we can’t be loved by everybody anyway. The sooner we understand that, the better. I tell myself: be nice to people. Always treat people the way you want to be treated. Choose your words carefully and try staying calm when you’re under control of negative emotions. I tell myself: don’t compare yourself to other people. Don’t let other people’s success cause you negative emotions such as jealousy and self-doubt. Try seeing it as motivation instead. Let it inspire you and help you with your journey. How much you work for it is how much you’ll get it. It depends on none else but you. Another thing I tell myself: be your own best friend and don’t screw yourself. I’m saying this because I’m that person who always tries so hard to make everyone happy even if it means I have to let myself down. That is so wrong and irresponsible. It’s wrong and irresponsible because I try so hard to take care of my own well-being and then I do something that damages it. I must stop with that. I must set some limits. My advice for everyone including myself: let things go. Broken friendships,  relationships, dissapointments… Give yourself some time to go through it but make sure you don’t lose yourself in all the darkness. Accept things the way they are and move on. This includes people as well. If something you had with someone didn’t work once, twice or three times, it’s your time to finally get into your head that you’re no longer compatible with that one person you thought was the one, as a friend or as a lover, it doesn’t really matter. You can’t change anyone but yourself. You can’t keep thinking that ‘it’s gonna be different this time’ when the person you have a problem with doesn’t even see the wrongs they do to you. To keep yourself stable, stay close to what you love. People, places, hobbies. Spend your time with people who make who make you feel good, people who you can learn something from and people who inspire you. Go to places that make you feel happy you’re alive. Go to places where your hearts tells you to go. Do the things you’re passionate about. Whatever you do, make sure you do it with love. The last important thing I have to say: make sure you’re aware that you still have so much to learn. About yourself, about your family, about your friends, about strangers, about the world. There are so many good things you’ll discover that are gonna help you become the best version of yourself. Keep working on yourself and your personal development. Once you’re there don’t forget to help others get there too. 

I wish you love and light, my dear people.

Love, Albesa 

A result of a sleepless night

[7:52 AM / Monday / November 27 2017]

I’m starting this post without really knowing how it’s gonna end. I just want to write something because my chest is starting to feel a little heavy. I haven’t slept all night, a little because of my messed up sleeping schedule, a little because of my anxiety that usually kicks in before I put my phone down right when I’m about to sleep. I’m getting better though, I’m excited about occupying myself with what is good for me. I’m not a professional when it comes to mental health, I don’t always have the right words to say to a person who is dealing with something hurtful. I’m not sure if I can always console another person and make them feel better about a certain situation. What I do know is that I understand people more than ever. Being depressed all my teenage years made me learn so much about humans, how it all works, why it works like that and, of course, how to stop it. I’ve watched so many videos, documentaries and tv shows, I’ve read so many articles and books trying to find answers to my question which was ”how do I get out of this”. How do I stop suffering so much, how do I stop letting every single thing hurt me. The thing is that over the years we create a certain image of everything and everyone around us. The image we have is what we believe is truthful and once we find out we’ve been fooled by our own selves and others, it’s a big thing to deal with because you pretty much feel like your entire life was a lie before you actually saw the truth. We all expect big things from ourselves which we may not achieve at the same exact time we want to. That exact thing happened to me. The image I had of some things were so perfect and once I got to see the truth it broke my heart into a million tiny pieces and four years later I’m still on that same boat picking up those tiny pieces of my broken heart. I’ve been disappointed, hurt, lied to, fooled, left behind. I was dealing with multiple eating disorders at the time when it all started. I had noticed becoming anxious because of the way I thought / saw about myself. To cut it short, I became an incredible mess. I couldn’t deal with myself and how I felt all the time. Years after, I’m here writing this post knowing that to this day, no matter how I’ve felt, I’ve survived 100% of those awful days. From the absolute worst ones, to those a little bit better ones and to these ones right now when I feel smarter than ever. More hopeful than ever and more mature than ever. It’s good to know that even though I’ve been depressed most of my time over the last four years, I still managed to get up and live through everything. Depression took a lot from me. I islolated myself which is why my ‘friends’ gave up on me (I’m actually thankful for this because, in my opinion, a person who is not there for you when you’re at your worst can’t be your friend), I failed my driving test so many times because I couldn’t focus and drive properly which made me question if I’m even capable of driving. I was forced to drop out of college because I couldn’t study for all of my exams, which was a huge disappointment for my parents who are the ones I love and cherish more than anyone else. I was forced to deal with the thought of being ‘stupid’ for a little while, until I got profesionally diagnosed with depresson and anxiety which explains why my concentration drops all of a sudden or why I can’t sleep when I need to sleep. Depression either makes you sleep too much or it either takes your sleep away which happened to me. No sleep, no concentration, no nothing. All you do is just overthink, worry and stress. How is a human being supposed to function like that? Study with zero concentration? Drive with zero concentraction? I’m actually thankful I haven’t gotten my license yet because to be fair, my depression could take over me any time which means concentration drop which could lead to a car accident and that’s definitely not how a mature person acts. If you know you’re not in a state for something, just don’t do it. Don’t risk things getting even worse than they already are. Stay patient and smart. I know it’s hard to deal with things, I know it’s hard to deal with your ‘failures’. Remind yourself that depression is not something you choose, which means that you didn’t choose to fail at anything. Remind yourself that you’ve gained so much from being hurt, you’ve proved yourself that at the end of the day, you can still close your eyes, take a few deep breaths and just remind yourself that you’re still alive. To me, that is a strong person. A person who keeps going, a person who keeps hoping and fighting for their progress in life no matter the fact that they’ve been broken for such a long time. I wish I could express how much love and hope I have for people who struggle to live normally yet they make it to another sunshine every single day. If you’re one of those people, let me tell you that I’m proud of you. Never stop working on yourself, never stop hoping and never think of yourself as ‘not good enough.’ You’re so much more than just enough. I’m not sure if there’s such a thing as perfect timing but if there is one, yours is about to come. Everything you thought you would never achieve will come to you, just stay patient and keep trying. Chin up, keep going. We got this.

My heart broke down into a million tiny pieces of pain, but I’m picking up pieces of hope now.

Love, Albesa

You live for yourself, I live for myself

Yes, you live for yourself. Not for your mom, dad, sisters, brothers, friends or whoever comes to your mind. This is your life. It’s the only thing you can control as much as you want. I’ve always been the kind of person who likes to live their way. I don’t like rules. I don’t like to do things others want me to, such a thing makes me extremely anxious because there are things people want me to do that I don’t feel passionate about and doing things without love and passion has always resulted with failure. And I know it because I’ve been there and I’ve done that. I kept things to myself to keep others protected and it was a failure because it did so much damage to me. I felt fire caused by so many things burning inside of me, yet I had to act ice-cold so that people wouldn’t be worried about me. You know what? I don’t think I’m that ”protective” anymore. I look around and I don’t see a single person who does the same thing as me. I never do things expecting to get something in return but I don’t do things expecting to suffer either. I’m done. From now on, I want to make plans that are good and convenient for me without thinking about what others will think about it. That is not my problem. I don’t want to deal with that. I choose to free myself from that. It may sound selfish but, my dear people, we will never be able to please everyone. Never ever. There is no such a thing. What we are able to do is please ourselves. We must live the lives we want to, the lives that are results of our own decisions made with love and passion. My therapist once told me; ”Albesa, you’re acting like a superhero. You must never hurt yourself in order to keep someone else safe. That’s not the role you have in your life.” I thought about it a lot and yes, it’s true. I can’t save people from life and getting hurt. All of the things we go through are life. Sometimes they’re the consequences of our decisions, sometimes they’re not. What I’m trying to say is that we should make decisions that make us happy. Decisions that don’t bring hurtful consequences along. Decisions that give us hope, positive energy and something to look forward to. That’s the least we can do for ourselves. About what others do; we can have opinions but we can’t stop anyone from their decisions. The result of their decisions is going to hurt them more than anyone else but we can’t stop it, we can’t prevent it. We make decisions based on what we want and sometimes what we want is not the best for us but that’s not something we know while making a certain decision. If people knew something is going to hurt them, I don’t think they would do it. When people repeat their mistakes, when they keep doing things that hurt them in the past, they do it because they think that it’s gonna be ”different this time.” People will live, make decisions, make mistakes, get hurt, learn, keep going, be happy and more. I’ll figure it out, we’ll figure it out, they’ll figure it out. That’s why I choose to live for myself, I choose not to worry so much about what I can’t do. If my decisions hurt me, I accept it. I accept it as long as I know that I made those decisions thinking they were the best for me. If I did it thinking they for the best for someone else, then I choose to think that suffering is my punishment from the universefor not doing what I must to; taking care of myself and being my own priority. Stop thinking so much about others and give more love and attention to yourself. Care more about yourself. None else is going to do that for me. Or for you. That’s one of a kind thing that has to be done by ourselves and for ourselves. That’s our role in life.

You can do things for other people, of course you can. Just make sure they don’t make you unhappy. Make sure they don’t affect you in a negative way. Take care of yourself.

Love, Albesa

Wishing, hoping and fighting

I don’t ever want my rivers to stop flowing. I don’t ever want them to be lifeless. I want them to be as loud as a child screaming or as the alarm you set five times to make sure you wake up in time. I want my world to be a happy place, not a place where my pain sleeps. I have many wishes. All of them are related to peace, happiness, stability and health. That’s all I really want. Sometimes my wishes feel like something I’ll never have, something that is absolutely impossible. Sometimes my wishes feel like the wind that I can’t see but I can feel. I can’t see my wishes because I haven’t achieved them yet but I can feel them coming way. It’s strange and I don’t know if I’m making any sense. Everything feels strange today, every breath, every thought, every glass of water that I drink. Nothing that I write describes exactly how I feel. I’d say I feel like a mountain crashing down or like a volkano erupting, something like that. This journey is long and painful and I no longer feel the energy I used to feel. I no longer feel like I can keep up with my pain. Maybe it’s not about if I can or if I can’t, maybe it’s about the fact that I don’t want to. I don’t want to live in pain. I want to wake up not feeling the heavy weight on my chest. Who did this to me? Who is responsible for this? Could I have handled things better in the past? Was this really something I had to experience? There are so many questions in my head and honestly, I don’t even know why I’m looking for answers because I know I won’t find them. These questions won’t really solve anything so I better let them go, I better let them sleep somewhere in the back of my mind. I’m hopeful for the future. I’m hoping that someday soon, I’ll wake up in peace. I’m hoping that someday soon, my world will be a happy place like I want it to be. I’m hoping that someday soon, my days won’t be empty like today. I’m hoping while I’m fighting. I haven’t felt energetic in a long time but I know it’s somewhere inside of me. And I know it will come out when I’ll need it the most. Maybe it’s coming out every day but in small doses so that it can surprise me when I think there is non of it left. Let’s hope it’s that. My dear people, I hope I’ll have a story titled ‘I’m happy’ soon. Until then, try finding something good about my pain. For example, that it taught me patience and tolerance. Or the fact that I’m still here fighting for those good days. I’m not planning on giving up, that’s not one of my options. I hope it’s not yours either. 

Love, Albesa

Beauty?

What is beautiful? Who do you ask if someone/something is beautiful? Are other people the ones who dictate your beauty or do you listen to yourself? I’ve been thinking about this lately and I realized that people are so pressured to listen to others and their beauty standards. Listen to me, my dear people. I’m not an ‘important’ person’, people don’t know me and I’m not people’s role model. The world itself is diverse. There are so many beautiful creatures on earth. Different people, different animals, different plants, different everything. The world has no rules when it comes to beauty. You can’t set beauty standards for people who are completely different from you. Different people like different things, is that really that hard to understand? You set your own standards and that’s it. That’s where you stop. That is your only right. And you know why? Because it’s about you. And as long as it’s about you, it’s fine because you’re the one who decides how you’re gonna live your life. As I said, that’s when you’re done. What other people do, how they dress, how they do their makeup,  how they live their lives is none of my or your business. Who am I to tell someone else how to dress? Who are you to tell someone else how to dress? As diverese people that we are, we can’t expect everyone to like everything. No. That’s simply impossible and that’s why I’m so against beauty standards. Not everyone will like what I like. Not everyone will like the way I dress. But that’s fine. I’m fine with that as long as there is respect. I’m not asking anyone to like what I do and neither should you. The only person that should like how you live your life is you. That’s what matters the most. We should never judge people because of their clothes, makeup, hair color, financial status, race, religion, ethnicity, sex orientation…To cut it short, we should never judge each other. We should never make someone else feel bad because they live their lives the way they want to and not the way others want them to. The world is cruel enough the way it is but it’s still possible to make the world around ourselves a little bit nicer. We can’t change the entire world but we can change our worlds. Make sure the world you live in is full of positivity, happiness and joy. Make sure your world is yours and not someone else’s. Live your life however you want to, make yourself happy by doing things you want to do and don’t listen to people who don’t accept you for who you are. I support diveristy. Diversity is beauty. I support myself and everyone different from me in any aspect. What matters is having a beautiful heart, a beautiful mind and a beautiful soul. The rest of beautifuls is your choice and all I can do about it is respect it. The fear of judgment is prison for souls. Don’t judge people. Don’t make people afraid. Don’t prison others. Work on yourself, work on your happiness and do what you want to do. What others do is not your choice. If it’s not your choice, why bother? 

Love, Albesa

Positive thoughts: it’s time to move on

I’ve gone through all of my posts recently and while reading them one by one, I realized I had so many ups and downs. Some posts are full of motivation and some of them are full of misery. I’m not really surprised because my mental health has been a rollercoaster for a long time now. Sometimes it’s just fine, sometimes it’s energetic and sometimes it’s miserable and dark. I know it’s impossible to predict the future but if I could, I would definitely consider predicting my own. One of the main reasons is because I worry about everything. Things that happened a long time ago, things that are happening right now and things that I don’t even know are gonna happen. I worry about every little thing, it’s hardly controlable. Things just get to me and instantly make me sad which is why I’m not emotionally stable yet. I’ve been wondering why does it happen to me and when did it start. I do have an idea that partly explains it but I’m not sure. My world used to be a happy place, a very happy place. Out of all the ‘friends’ I ever had, I must say that I was the one who was always laughing, telling bad jokes that somehow ended up being funny and just carefree. That was my world. When I faced real struggles like eating disorders, family problems that were not money related, my world crashed down, I got lost and all of a sudden, I had a lot of things to worry about. I became anxious, depressed, lost my ‘friends’ and stopped being the outgoing and happy-all-the-time person. It’s fine though. I want to share with you, my dear people, that I’m learning every single day. Learning about peace, about harmony, about growth and so many other things that are good for me. I’ve always been an optimist and that’s one of the things that have never changed. I did lose hope, I did lose motivation but deep down I always knew it would get better which is, I guess, what kept me going on. From now on, I want to write about progress, happines, future plans… I don’t want to write about things that happened it the past anymore. I know I’m still gonna mention some things because they are a big part of my life but I feel like it’s time for me to move forward and not pay so much attention to things I can’t change. I don’t want to worry about it anymore, I want to accept the things that happened, I want to accept my mistakes, other peoples mistakes and move on. I want to get my happy world back but in a much wiser and mature version. That’s my goal. I’m happy that I’m motivated for progress. I’m happy that I’m not doubting myself getting better. I’m more than ever ready to dedicate all of my time and energy to my health and growth. The time I spent crying because of my depression taught me incredible patience but now it’s time to give my all to getting out of the darkness that I got lost in a few years ago. It’s time for some light that humans tend to leave turned off after the bulb breaks. You can carefully replace the broken bulb and then turn on the light again. You can take your broken pieces and make something amazing out of it. My dear people, with a lot of love and a lot of hope, I am saying it again- one step at a time, we got this!

Love, Albesa

It’s up to you

I’m aware that literally everything that I write is somehow related to depression. It’s imporant for me to mention that depression and anxiety have changed me a lot in so many ways and even though I’ve suffered a lot I know I’ve learned a lot as well which I’ve written before. While being at my lowest and while not knowing what to do to help myself feel better, I got lost in trying to get better by talking to other people instead of talking to myself. Only now when I started my recovery do I realize that it was always up to me and that I’ve always been the only person who could change my life for the better because it was me who had to make life-changing decisions. I’m very thankful for every single invidiual who talked to me while I was down. I’m very thankful for every single individual who wanted to help me. Now that I’ve made some big changes in my life such as leaving college in order to get better, I realize how imporant it is to listen to yourself and your needs. I thought I could make it at college while feeling low but it didn’t work. It pushed me backward more than I could push it forward. I never thought I could make a decision like that because leaving school was unacceptable for my parents who didn’t even know about my depression until two weeks ago when I told them about it in the middle of the night. It does feel awful to see their faces while telling them so many sad things but I had to do it sooner or later. I opened up to my mom and dad who I never thought could understand my problems. I’m sure they don’t understand it but at least I have their support to start my regular therapy which I had to do a long time ago. I’m sorry that college didn’t work but I know exactly why it happened. It’s fine, I’ll try again when I’m ready. I’m happy because I finally helped myself. Now that I helped myself, I realize that I can’t help someone else. I can support their journey but I can’t help them in a way a person can help themselves. I can’t help someone else by making decisions for them just like none could do that for me. I know a lot of us have bad habits that are hard to leave behind, a lot of things we think we’ll never get over but we will have to. Life will keep being the same as long as we keep doing the same things over and over again. It’s not enough to just hope for the better. It’s not enough to just wish for the better. The thing that is enough is fighting for it while hoping and wishing. Things can’t get better by themselves because you’re the one who controls them. You control if you’re gonna let something go or stick to it even though you know it’s not good for you. If you want to change your life, you can. I never thought this day would come but my dear people, based on my personal experience, I’m more than ever sure that action is the only way to success, not matter what it is. I can talk to you day and night, I can give you whatever you want but unless you do that for yourself, it’s not gonna work. If you know something is not good for you, don’t force it. Whatever it is, don’t force it. Rather it’s friendship, relationship, college, work or whatever, if you tried and pushed it and it didn’t work, you know it’s time to leave. Don’t expect life to change by itself. It’s your life and it’s a reflection of your actions and decisions. If you don’t like that reflection, just know that you can always change it for the better, any day, any time. It’s up to you, only you. 

Love, Albesa

I’m not where I want to be, I haven’t achieved what I want to achieve but I’ve made decisions that will improve my life. It gets better. One step at a time. If you’re struggling like me, be patient and positive, we got this.

Midnight walks and thoughts

I feel like I’ve lost everything, even though I haven’t. Walking down the streets I’ve always walked doesn’t feel the same anymore. These streets give me an unknown feeling and maybe it’s because I’m not how I used to be. The night hurts. The nights are full of thoughts that I try so hard to stay away from yet I feel closer to them every single day. I have thought about the ways to feel better, ways to feel good again but no matter what I thought, it never sounded like a good idea. Things that I thought would help me, helped me for a second and they became black and white, just like a lot of other things in my life. Depression is something that takes away so much from you and the worst thing about is that you don’t even notice. Every day feels empty and the things that you usually enjoy sometimes don’t even have an impact. It’s been four years. Four long years of feeling like I’ve lost myself. Four long years of not knowing what to do with myself. I’m tired, extremely tired. I have learned a lot of things from this but I have also lost a lot. I lost sunrises full of positivity because I wanted to sleep my pain away. I’ve lost so much energy trying to escape from what has been haunting me. I’ve lost faith in what I believed was stable and real. I’ve lost but I’m still breathing. The night hurts and days feel empty but I’ve kept going no matter what. Is that what I gained? Did I gain energy from getting tired? Is there any explanation for what is happening to me? I’ve lost so much but maybe I’m still breathing because I need to discover that I’ve gained much more than I’ve lost. Maybe. 

Love, Albesa

Maybe you can help me (even just a little)

Sometimes it gets very hard. By very hard I mean feeling low to the point where you start questioning the strength that’s left in you. Writing about everything that’s in my heart makes me realize that there are so many things that make me unhappy and it’s just really sad when you keep writing about your emotions and most of them are negative. What do I do, my dear people? At this moment, I’m more lost than I’ve ever been. Here’s a little story. I’ve always wanted to be a good student, achieve something big and make my parents proud. I applied for college, got in and attended classes knowing that  I had mental health issues. You know what happened? It only got worse. I became even more depressed and even more anxious because I couldn’t focus and study. My parents kept asking me how it was going and each time it felt worse than the time before. I had to go to a place where I would be surrounded by hundereds of people and for an anxious person like me, it feels like hell. I knew I wasn’t ready for something that takes so much from a person but I rushed into it hoping I could make it somehow. The results are here. I feel like I have heavy weights on my back that none can take off me. I’m more depressed than ever and more miserable than ever. I’m trying to figure it out somehow, trying to make myself study and pass my exams but my dear people, I hope at least one of you, will be able to understand what’s it like to be a living mess, a person who struggles to calm their heartbeat that goes crazy because of anxiety caused by so many things at once. I don’t know what to do. I’m torn between dropping out of college so I can focus on my mental health and keep living like this so I don’t have to deal with my parents and them being disappointed in me. I’ve never wanted to disappoint anyone, especially not my parents who have given me so many possibilities. I’ve never wanted to make my parents think that I’m ungreatful. I hope I can figure things out somehow because living like this is exhausting and I’m running out of fuel…What would you do?

Love, Albesa

p.s. any advice will be appreciated. 

Memories, struggles and making peace

Thirty days of vacation are over. It’s time to go back to real life which is in my case toxic and full of struggles. It gets better, it’s fine. About my vacation in my homecountry Kosovo, all I have to say is that there have been moments I’ll never forget. From basic walks around the village to amazing concerts full of positive energy. Lifetime memores have been made, I’m happy. There have also been moments when I couldn’t help myself with my sadness, not that something extremely sad happened there, it’s just the fact that no matter where you go, your struggles will follow you, that’s exactly what happened to me. I went to Kosovo to relax and give my mind a break away from my everday life in Croatia but I don’t feel like I got any of that. I must admit that I got tired trying to escape from everything. As I said before, wherever you go, your feelings will come along and that’s the worst thing ever because you hope, that somewhere away where things are different from what you see every day, you will feel better and hopeful. You do feel better but it doesn’t last. Your mind gets ”fooled” by the things you don’t see every day but once it becomes natural, you’re back to your everyday state. Maybe it’s just me. Anyway, now that my vacation is over, it’s time to face the struggles and make peace with them somehow. I hope the things that make me happy bring me strength and energy to keep going until it gets better. I believe in progress in every single aspect. Nothing can ever limit us more than our own mind. What we need to do is believe in whatever we want to achieve, whether it’s overcoming depression or getting two college degrees at once. The power of our beliefs is so much more powerful than our doubts, once you believe you can achieve something you want, you’ll feel unstoppable. I haven’t experienced that feeling yet but I’ve talked to some amazingly inspiring people who truly made me believe that a positive mindset is the key that opens every door. Those kind of people are the only ones you need in your life. Keep your circle small, work hard, stay lowkey, be nice, be careful and stay humble. The rest will come, sooner or later. 

All my love, Albesa

Then and now

There are so many things I wanna say at the moment. There are so many things people I’m surrounded by don’t understand. I got tired trying to explain everything to everyone, I got exhausted. Back in 2013, I was dealing with eating disorders which lead to mental disorders such as anxiety and depression. I didn’t know how to deal with it or what I had to do in order to feel ”normal” again. I thought I could easily turn back to my normal life but waiting for it to get better by itself it only got worse. My sophomore year in highschool was pure darkness. I was completely unstable and my anxiety was at the highest point ever. I went to a private school where I was surrounded by people who were so lost that they thought everyone would like them because of their expensive clothes. I’m saying they were lost because they had no idea what they were doing and neither did I. My ”friends” kept asking me to hang out and no matter how much I tried to explain to them that I wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want to be in public, I failed. I don’t know if it was about me or about them but I failed, I admit it. My ”friends” couldn’t understand me even though I’m sure I made it clear that I was at my lowest point I had ever been. In case you were wondering, no, I’m no longer friends with any of them. I don’t blame anyone for anything, I believe that from their perspective, it looks like I pushed them away and that’s completely fine. I was not the person they had met years ago. They couldn’t find a reason to stay by my side. The person I had become was worried and isolated which is the opposite of the person I had been before. Maybe it was my fault for what happened but sadly, you can’t choose how you feel, I couldn’t fight against myself at the time. It was all a new thing to me, I didn’t know how to live with it. Looking back, I miss the person I used to be and I miss those carefree times we spent together but I would never want to be that person again. I would never want to be so close to people who left me when I needed them the most. I would never want to be friends with people who made me apologize for not feeling well. I don’t label myself anymore. I don’t define myself with words such as ‘a happy person’ or ‘a depressed person’. I don’t believe in that. I’m a lot of things and most of them are still not discovered. I’m here to live and discover my potential in all aspects and so are you. The memories I made will always be a part of me. I wouldn’t change anything because I can understand the person I used to be. What I need to do now is focus on the present, stop explaining my feelings and try to understand the person I am today.

Love, Albesa

We got this

Everything feels a little strange. I’ve been pushing myself more than ever and, my dear people, I think it’s working. I’m not sure but I think I’ve noticed some changes in my wellbeing. Of course you can’t get better over night but small steps are progress as well. These small steps mean so much to me because they are proof that I’m not where I used to be. They are proof that I’m trying. I’ve been setting this ‘I can do it’ mindset right after waking up in the morning. It’s like I’m commanding myself to get up and try and I think that’s exactly what has made a change in my wellbeing. There are a lot of things I worry about but I’ve been trying really hard to calm myself down with positive thoughts. It’s super hard and it sometimes feels like I’m lying to myself but I know this is the right thing to do, I know I can’t just sit there and wait for a miracle to save me. I think what we all need to do is to set small goals and work little by little until we achieve them. One step at a time, no pressure, no hurry. Setting goals is important because it’s a step towards a better tomorrow. Big goals come from small ones so work on those first. Be your own priority, take care of yourself, believe in yourself, treat yourself the way you treat others, be careful with your time and energy, make sure you eat, drink and sleep well and be greatful for what you’ve been given. I believe in you and I believe in myself.

We got this.  

Love, Albesa

Is it really that bad?

I absolutely hate it when I feel my heart pounding like crazy. I feel myself getting nervous and stressed because of all the overthinking I unconsciously do. Anxitey is just awful. It takes over me and I can’t do anything about it besides feel it. I have lost my sleep  because of it so many times but sometimes it really gets a little too much. I got an anxiety attack the other day; it happened right when I put my phone down and was about to sleep (this has been happening a lot lately). Those moments are the worst because that’s when my mind starts to produce thoughts that ruin my peace. I was trying to fall asleep for about 2 hours before I got up and went to the balcony to breathe some fresh air and find some peace. I sat in my living room and started crying because I couldn’t believe that was me. I used to be the kind of person who couldn’t understand when people cried easily and now I’ve become one of those people. I used to be outgoing and going out has now become a challenge to me. I went for a walk yesterday night and I was wondering when and how did all of this happen? When and how did I lose such a big part of me? I have always been very optimistic but I’ve had this feeling of failure ever since college started. I know it’s because I’m not focused and determined as I would want to be but I don’t know what to do about it. It’s just really hard to do anything when you’re feeling like this. It’s very hard to understand it unless you’ve experienced it yourself. Things like these are incredibly scary. I know I’ve changed a lot but not necessarily for the worse. I’ve become the most private person I know, which I actually like. My circle is smaller than it has ever been, I’m more family oriented than I’ve ever been and I’m more mature than I ever thought I could be. I choose to believe that everything happens for a reason. For example, if I never got depression and anxiety, I would never isolate myself. I would probably be making memories with wrong people which is terrifying. I’m glad I isolated myself because I got to see who my real friends were. It’s been a long time since I last felt good but now I know that when I get better, I’m gonna be surrounded by people who truly believe in me and were there for me when I was at my worst. I’m still very optimistic.

Love, Albesa

About humans, battles and hope

I do not usually plan what I write but this time, it was not planned at all. Like at all at all. I got a wave of emotions all of a sudden and I felt like I would explode if I do not start writing. I do not even know what happened, maybe it is because I remembered everything that me and my friends have gone through and what we are going through right now. I know people say ”do not look back” but, man, it is so hard not to look back when some things from the past affect your presence. For example, it is very likely that someone who has gone through a rough heartbreak (does not have to be in a romantic way) is going to have major trust issues. It is possible that they are going to become less talkative or less outgoing. It is also possible that they are not going to be interested in meeting new people because they do not think they can trust them. I am writing this because it is how I feel which, of course, does not mean that everyone is going to feel like me. I do not know how life is supposed to be like and I believe it is different for everyone, but on the other side, what I do know is that people should not suffer and make others suffer. I believe that, since we are all human, we are here to help each other and do good to each other the way we do good to ourselves (questionable). The person that I am today has so much to say, so much to write. I have so many people that I want to talk to and so many places I want to visit. I struggle with keeping up with my constant battles that I can not seem to outgrow (I’m working on it). I am looking forward to getting better, going home to Kosovo and being the best student, sister, daughter and friend I can possibly be. I am feeling down and hopeless but tomorrow is a new day. I hope I wake up feeling motivated and strong enough to keep going no matter how hard it is. I believe in each and every human being who comes across this story. I believe in you and I believe in myself. We are stronger than all the pain in this world.

Love, Albesa

A raindrop of emotions

I feel raindrops on my face as I walk down the street in the middle of the night. I don’t know about other people but when my anxiety hits me, besides writing, I like to go outside, walk, breathe some fresh air and talk to myself as if someone was listening to me. Maybe it’s better that no one is actually listening to me because sometimes I feel like I could go on for days explaining my feelings and people still wouldn’t understand. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t expect people to understand every single feeling of mine because that is simply impossible. I’m thankful for people who listen, that’s more than enough for me. Anyway, I have been thinking about what it takes to feel good about yourself and your life. I realized that a lot of people think they need other people in order to be happy even if the people they think they need do so little for them. If certain people make you feel good about yourself and are always there for you no matter what, keep them around. Do it because the things they do for you are as valuable as the things you do for them. It’s very important to realize that it’s actually possible to cut people off; people who take away your energy, stop you from growing and getting better. You need to love yourself and progress just like mother nature does. Let it inspire you. Nature loses its colors during winter but it’s prettier than ever just three months later. My dear people, let that inspire you like it inspires me. Don’t be afraid or ashamed to talk about your feelings, ask for help or admit that you’re not feeling well. Life puts us through tough situations but it doesn’t stop there. You can change yourself. You can change your life. You can fight for what you believe. You can be your own best friend and do wonders by treating yourself the way you treat others. Give yourself a chance to see how colorful you can become. Fall as many times as you need to but don’t ever stop getting up. Not that I’m the happiest person on earth, in fact, I’ve been suffering from depression and anxiety for a long time now but these things are the things I say to myself when I feel like my optimism is getting low. These things might be right what someone needs to hear at this moment. Love and light my dear people, it’s gonna get so much better, I feel it.

Love, Albesa