Sunday / October 3, 2021.
Sometimes it’s hard to put it into words how I’m feeling. All sorts of feelings are running through my mind, body and soul. My chest feels heavy a lot of the times and I can’t help it. I feel a lot, I think a lot. There are a lot of things going on in my family. There are a lot of things going on around me. Some days I feel better, and some days I feel like I’m carrying a mountain of pain on my back. It’s hard. It’s very, very hard. I wish my grandma was still here so I could call her and tell her about my worries. She somehow always had the right words to say. I miss her so much my heart is hurting. I’m going through a very hard period in my life but you know what I’ve noticed? I’ve become my own support system. I’ve been being there for myself more than ever. I feel like I got my own back and that makes me feel extremely empowered. I’ve become so serious about myself and my life now and I genuinely feel that I’m entering a transitional chapter in my life where my main focus is me, my life, mental health and my relationship with myself. I’m hoping things get better soon. It crushes me to see my parents sad or stressed. This year has not been easy for them; in fact, it has damaged them in so many ways it kills me just thinking about it. A lot of things make me sad, but what is there to do; I ask myself. The only remaining thing to do is hope for a better tomorrow, while doing what I can and taking care of the things that are in my control, that’s it. University starts of Monday. I’m a little anxious but mostly excited. My education is one of the things that I’m extremely passionate about so it keeps me going. I need to study a lot, but I’m excited about it because I know I’m on my way to getting where I want to be. I will put on a nice outfit and get out there. I will take good care of myself and live my life doing my own thing. I’m not bothered by people’s opinions anymore. It used to stop me from doing so many things for a long time, and it’s just not a thing anymore. I’m learning to live with my anxiety more and more. I feel so much lighter, it’s an amazing feeling. I didn’t want to make people think about me in one way or another. But how ridiculous is that actually?! People are gonna have opinions, just like you do; but so what? Please do what brings joy to your soul. Please please please. People really don’t care that much about what you’re doing I swear! But even if they do, put yourself first and do your thing. Be an example for everyone else since you have their attention. Allow yourself to be exactly who you are and share bits of it with the world. We are sadly not even aware of it, but we have so much to offer, and so much to give. So in order to give, and recieve, we need to learn how to get out of the boxes that we constantly put ourselves in. Sometimes it seems like we’ve gotten comfortable, but we truly do not belong there. Anxiety is a complex thing, however, it’s still possible to live. Live with your fears. Do it once, do it twice, and it will become easier and easier. You’re gonna be fine. These were today’s thoughts. I’m not trying to make sense. I’m just writing whatever is in my heart and mind. We don’t always make sense anyways. In fact, most of the times we don’t, but we’re still just as worthy.