[6:29 PM / Sunday / July 14, 2019]
Something felt off the moment I woke up today and I’ve been trying to figure out what it is but haven’t managed to yet. I wish I could say that I’m living my best life but at the moment, I’m far, far away from that. From dealing with grandma’s death which is by far the most painful thing I’ve ever had to accept to dealing with family dramas on a daily basis, I’m trying really hard not to get consumed by it. And it’s hard, very hard. Then there is other stuff; anxiety, being tired of my own self and how irresponsible I am with myself sometimes, not knowing where I stand with people, to feeling like I know nothing at all. How bad is all of that? Can I still live a healthy life despite all of that? Yes, for sure, but as long as I’m keeping my mind on everything that makes me upset, healthy life is gonna feel very distant. The situation I’m in right now is painful, uncomfortable, and it requires a lot of patience, which I sometimes don’t know where to get. I’m alive though. I’m alive and breathing and making it to another day, every day, which proves that in reality, it isn’t THAT bad. I mean it is, but it isn’t, if you know what I mean. I’m still waking up, going to work, improving my eating habits which is, surprisingly, going very well. I’m still going to therapy, trying to help myself get better, learn, grow, improve. I’m still determined to go to college which is terrifying after my last college experience. So many things are terrifying but I’m somehow still not completely defeated. Nothing is easy when you don’t believe in yourself, not even the simplest things. I’m tired, and I need to rest more than ever. I need to give myself a break. I need to set more boundaries. Not everything requires my reaction and that’s why I need to let myself be in peace, even when others aren’t. I don’t have the solution to every problem that I or someone I love might face. It’s still fine. You know what’s not fine? Deciding to accept your misery isn’t fine. Having chances to improve your life but not taking them isn’t fine. Deciding not to try again anymore isn’t fine. I don’t want to sound harsh but life isn’t always sweet, in fact, most of the times it isn’t, so if we’re not gonna keep going, what else can we do? If I let my sadness consume me, I’ll eventually die, and you’ll eventually die too. I don’t know where I’ll be tomorrow, and as much as I want to sleep for an entire year straight, I’m actually thankful for it. My days are not filled with happiness, my days are filled with sadness. I’m just learning to live with this new form of pain brought by my grandma’s death. It’s been terrible. I’ve been trying to accept the fact that she’s not counting down the days till I go to Kosovo like I am. I can’t say that I’m fine at the moment but I must not stop believing that life can still be beautiful. I’m young. I’m trying. I’m just another human. What I’m going through is a part of the human experience. This is not the final destination of my human experience. It’s still not over.
I’ll be fine, we’ll be fine.
Love and light,