Thursday / December 5, 2019
I sometimes feel like I don’t have much to say, but the second I sit down to write and reflect on my thoughts, I realize just how much I have to talk about and how much I need to express how I’m feeling. I feel like my most authentic self when I’m sitting down like this, writing and expressing my thoughts without shame, guilt or looking back. It’s in me to talk, it’s in me to acknowledge what I tried to keep to myself for years and years. It’s in me to let people know that their feelings are valid. The things that bring me peace and joy, the things that break my heart, thanks to years of learning and therapy, I’ve learned to welcome it all. I’ve learned to validate my feelings as they are, without trying to make them more beautiful or more bearable. I don’t know who’s gonna read this but you’re not alone. It took me a while to change the way I thought of things, it took me a while to understand something so simple yet so important: you decide what you’re gonna do with the things that happen to you. You decide whether you’re gonna stay bitter and mad about it or open your heart, your mind, and your soul in order to understand that there is a lot to learn. Yes, things are uncomfortable, things are heavy, we feel bad because of everything that’s going on, there is no question about it, but the key is in the way we respond. Have you ever felt yourself getting even worse because you’ve been focusing on the negative so much? My dear people: a lot of things that happen are not in our control. When you’re not in charge of the situation, take a few deep breaths, and be kind to yourself more than ever. Let yourself know that not everything is your responsibility. Even when something very bad is happening, you still have so much to be grateful for. I disagree with my family in most cases, we also argue a lot, it makes me sad that we don’t understand each other more. After years and years of trying to find a way to communicate more effectively, I realized there was only one option left: to accept my family the way it is and stop forcing them to understand what I’m trying to say or how I’m feeling. After all the fights and failed communication, I understood that sometimes we’re just too different to meet in the middle. We spend so much time wondering why do things have to be like this or like that, why is this happening to me, why, why, why, endless whys. I’ve written in one of my stories that life is a perfect mixture of sweet dreams and a chaotic rush, and I couldn’t agree with myself more. We choose what we focus on, we choose if we’re gonna rush around the chaos more or keep our mind busy thinking about the sweet dreams more. I hope you understand the point of this story; whatever happens to you or around you, believe me, you’re still gonna be just fine. You’re gonna find a way to cope with everything that breaks your heart. The whys are gonna fade away from your mind and you’re gonna start embracing life the way it is. This is coming from someone who was depressed for 5 years. I was always at war with myself because I struggled to accept things I couldn’t do anything about. I knew that a lot of things that happened weren’t okay, a lot of people mistreated me and I never did what I felt in heart, I did what I thought was safe. But not standing up for yourself isn’t safe. Confrontations might feel terrifying but it’s a must to let people know how they made you feel. Allow yourself to be sad, mad, and angry but also know that the only thing you’re in charge of is your mindset; I constantly remind myself about that. I disagree with my family, but I can’t change the way they think. After all these years of trying to be on the same page with them, and not succeeding due to our differences, I’ve chosen to just focus on the fact that I have a family and that we’re all healthy. There is nothing else I can do about it except appreciate it the way it is. And it’s pretty much like that with a lot of things in life. It might sound strange but you can actually appreciate what you don’t understand, you just have to give yourself the chance to learn to do that. Every day is a chance to start over, every day is a chance to start doing what’s good for you. Be kind to yourself. Slow down with the endless whys and be more grateful. Someday it will all make sense, someday you will know all the answers. Until then, keep trying, keep going, keep learning. Day by day.
We got this.