Saturday / September 7, 2019
I’ve felt a lot these past two weeks but I just couldn’t convert those feelings into letters. Everything felt wrong somehow. I’ve been struggling to express myself lately so I didn’t want to force anything. It happens, it’s okay. Today is the day though, I’m here, ready to take a step back and let it all out so let me tell you what’s been going on. Here we go. Every single day has been full of mixed emotions lately. I’m sad but happy. I’m heartbroken but fulfilled. I feel stuck but I’m also noticing how much I’ve grown. I feel disconnected from the world but also more connected than ever; all at the same time. What is this? And so I thought to myself while I was on my way to yesterday’s therapy session; ‘what do I even want to talk about?’ I arrived, I sat down and boom; I couldn’t stop talking. I had so much to say. I noticed right away where the mixed feelings were coming from. I didn’t communicate with myself at all in these past 2 weeks. I allowed myself to get carried away by negativity, madness, sadness. It was mainly what I was noticing. There were a few beautiful moments in between, like random acts of kindness in public transport, but other than that, I was mad and sad about something every day. Now that I’ve sat down in order to have a proper conversation with myself, I realized that I got consumed by my surroundings. I’m surrounded by a lot of people on a daily basis. I dislike a lot of them. I’m thankful for my job and the opportunity to work, however, I must admit I’m negatively surprised by my colleagues almost every day. The entitlement, the tone of the voice, the body language, the way people talk about each other, how fast information spreads, wow, just wow. And since I go to work every day, I hear stuff I wouldn’t want to hear so I really do understand why I’ve been mad. I must admit I’ve lost a lot, if not almost all of my motivation for work by now. Luckily, I only have three more weeks of it left before I’m back in college. I know I’m gonna miss the company because it’s truly amazing but honestly, truthfully, I can’t wait for it to end. You know what’s going through my mind now that I’m writing this? ‘What if my colleagues see this someday’? Well, nothing, this is my personal experience this year and it’s okay that I’m not so happy with it. I didn’t like it as much as I did last year, I didn’t really click with my team this year, and I’ve been going through a lot myself as well which didn’t really help with being a little bit more talkative. The things I mentioned above don’t apply to everyone. Moving on to the next thing, much more important, that has had a negative impact on me: neverending family dramas. It’s funny to me how I’m always surprised by the way my sisters and I get misunderstood by our parents. We say one thing, our parents hear something completely different. We try to explain what we want and what we want is always super crazy to them. How do we find a way to communicate effectively? We end up fighting and yelling and getting nowhere. We end up going backward with every fight. I notice that my sisters use harsh words very often and even though I understand where their negative emotions are coming from, I think it would help us altogether if they tried to communicate in a more calm way and choose their words more carefully. And last but not least, the most important concern I’ve had; my relationship with myself and my eating disorder. I haven’t written about it that much but it’s been really tough. Six years of suffering, and trying to rebuild my relationship with food. It has exhausted me physically, mentally, emotionally. I’m not doing that good, and I’m finally considering to seek for professional help. I think I’ve tried to do it by myself for too long. I somehow thought it wasn’t that bad. But it is bad. I feel like a different person when I get carried away by my sadness and try to comfort myself with food. I need help and I acknowledge that. It’s scary but I’m ready to open up about it. We’ll see what happens. For now, what matters to me is that I’m willing to give it a try. All in all, I’m doing just fine, sometimes mad but mostly very optimistic. Talk to yourself, ask yourself how you’re doing and pay attention to what thoughts you hold on to. You and I, all of us, will never stop hearing stuff we don’t want to hear but that doesn’t have to be the reason our days get ruined. Create a distance from everything that doesn’t feel good to you. Carry on with your day focusing on the good stuff and being genuinely grateful. That’s what I did today, and see, I was able to sit down, and understand what was going on. Everything becomes more clear once you start getting rid of the unhealthy and unnecessary. I think we all have to do more of that.
Til’ next time.