[11:50 PM / Wednesday / May 15, 2019.]
I have to wake up early in the morning but I’m having troubles falling asleep today. I’m overwhelmed, scared, and terrified. I doubt myself way too much, I doubt my ability to focus and learn new things, and no matter what I do, I always feel like I could’ve done better. I’ve progressed a lot but there is still a lot of work left to put in. Now that I have a job that requires a lot of effort and attention, I see that it’s still quite hard for me to maintain my focus; I get distracted easily and have to repeat a certain thing multiple times before I can fully understand what it’s about. The company that I work for is giant and worldwide known so the pressure is at a very, very high point right now. I’m getting there slowly and I know this is all new to me but I’m always afraid of not being able to do something; it’s an unsolved thing from the past. I want to give myself some support, time and space to adapt to this new routine. I know it’s normal to feel confused and scared when you’re a beginner so why do I torture myself so much? It’s actually okay to feel a little lost so I have to make sure I don’t freak out as much. Step by step.
[1:13 AM / Thursday / May 16, 2019.]
I still haven’t been able to fall asleep. There are so many things going through my mind. All I know is that I don’t want to waste my life away by criticizing myself so much. I’ve suffered a lot in the past and it’s never easy or comfortable but life doesn’t stop there. I don’t take life for granted. There are big things waiting for me to achieve them and I can no longer postpone taking action because of my fear of failure. I want to work on myself harder than ever before. I feel like I need to be there for myself more than ever. It’s been a little too long since I’ve last had a proper conversation with myself, and I think that’s why things started getting out of control. Is it really that bad? In reality, not at all; in my head, sometimes. My overthinking makes me scared of things that in reality don’t even exist. I’m not a failure, I know I’m not but sometimes I feel like one. And it sucks.
[8:15 AM / Thursday / May 16, 2019.]
I’m on my way to work and I think I’ve calmed down a little bit. I’m gonna take some time to breathe today. I’m gonna pay more attention to my thoughts today; I’m not gonna allow my fear control my entire brain. I’m smart and capable of learning everything that I need to learn. Things take time. I’m scared but I can do it. I got this.
[5:14 PM / Thursday / May 16, 2019.]
I’m on my way home. Today was a great day at work. I switched my mindset and managed to calm down. I told myself some nice words. I’m not sure how I did it but I didn’t let my doubt/fear get in the way. That way I was able to focus on what I had to do. I successfully completed all of my daily tasks. I took my time, I made sure I was breathing properly and I did things my way. Learning new things takes time and I must never be so hard on myself. I’m gonna try harder than ever not to freak out when I find myself in the middle of something unknown. It’s not that bad, it really isn’t.
[9:46 PM / Thursday / May 17, 2019.]
People keep surprising me; some for how amazing they are, some for how egoistic they are. I don’t want to go too deep into that because I don’t want to criticize anyone. What I want to do is express the gratitude that I have for every single person who has ever shown me support. I truly appreciate it and it means so, so much to me. Since this entire story is related to work and my job, I want to mention a co-worker of mine who has been kind to me from the very first day. Open, friendly, cheering me up, encouraging me and telling me stuff that really makes work, and life in general, seem less scary, it truly makes me happy to see there are genuine people out there who are willing to help me. I’m thankful. It’s Friday tomorrow and I’m ready for it. Step by step, day by day, lesson by lesson. It’s all okay. That’s pretty much it, good night my dear people. Be kind to yourself, it helps more than anything else. We got this.