[11:28 PM / Thursday / July 18, 2019]
What a day it has been. A day depressed Albesa from two years ago thought would never ever come. I got accepted to college today. I really got accepted to college today. I start classes in October. I’m gonna be studying social work, which is basically a mixture of psychology, family law and human’s rights. And it’s unbelieavble. It feels surreal. I’ve written about my past college experience before, I’ve written about how I had to drop out in order to focus on my mental health, I’ve written about college and education in general, and now I’m here writing about it again, and this time, writing about it makes me happy. This time, my words about college don’t sound like they’ve been taken from some ancient tragedy. This time, I’m writing about it full of hope and dreams. My past college experience was painful. It left me with a lot of self-doubt. Going back to college feels terrifying. I’m afraid it won’t turn out as I imagine it. I’m afraid of ‘failing’ like I did last time. But I have to remind myself that I’m not that person from two years ago. I managed to survive those dark days. I’m managing to survive these dark days too. I’m scared but this wish to try again, is just so, so big. This amount of willingness inside of me is surprisingly big. I have no idea where it’s coming from. Or maybe I do. I have a vision. A vision that makes me go for it no matter how far away it may seem. No matter how hard times could get. I have a vision, a dream which I found when my first college journey ended. This is my second chance. Thanks to that first awful experience, I’m at a place where I’ve actually always wanted to be. I’ll study as hard as I can. I know it won’t be easy but I have nothing to complain about. I don’t want to complain. I want to take care of my energy and spirit. I refuse to talk negatively. I just want to be grateful. Not everyone gets a second chance. And I’m not talking about college only; I’m talking about life in general. Two years ago, I thought I was gonna die in my sleep because of how severe my depression was at that time. Two years ago, I hardly saw any light. Speaking of today, all I can say is that I’m trying, I’m alive, and healthy, despite these hard and painful days without my grandma. Sad things happen all the time but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m beyond blessed. One door closes, another one opens. Mine took two years to open again. In those two years, I’ve grown, matured, got stronger, took my pain and learned to exchange it for patience, every single day. And now I’m here, ready to begin another journey, which will hopefully have a happy ending. A journey which will end up with me being able to help people. That’s all I want to do.
My dear people,
there isn’t a single thing in life that comes easy, especially not achieving your dreams. Give yourself some time and space to heal. The time you take for healing is not wasted. It’s necessary because only when you’re healing, you’re actually able to see what you’re capable of. And you’re capable of so, so much. Give yourself a break so you can help, see, hear and feel yourself properly.