Looking back, becoming healthier and the future

[2:40 AM / Monday / December 31, 2018.]

I had so much stuff on my mind while I was planning this story but now that I’m actually here writing it I really don’t know how it’s gonna turn out. Here we go. It’s the last day of 2018, wow, wow, wow. What can I say, it was a good year, a year of improvements I’d say. This year, I got three leg surgeries (currently laying in bed recovering from the third one), I got my first job ever, I earned my own money, I traveled, and I bought a bunch of clothes which I still haven’t had the courage to wear. Honestly, none of that really matters that much. What matters that happened this year is my mental health. I can’t believe this day has come. The day when I can finally say that I’m healthy. I feel healthy, I feel strong and I feel hopeful, more than ever. I spent 5 years battling with depression and anxiety. Depression is a dangerous thing, and anxiety isn’t any better either. Recovery is a journey. Every day is a journey. I spent my depressive days traveling around this little world I created in my mind. Sometimes it was a dark world, and sometimes it was as bright as sunshine which is what kept me going. Even though I’ve tried very hard on my own, I still have to give most credits to my therapist who taught me everything that I needed to learn so badly. It’s by far the best thing that has ever happened to me. I’ve learned so much from it, from setting boundaries and saying no to communicating with myself and giving myself time and space to live with my emotions. I’ve grown so much and all in all, I feel like a very mature and responsible person for seeking help that I knew I needed. I wish I could have done it earlier but as I’ve mentioned before, I’m Albanian, born, raised and living in Croatia. Both are Balkan countries where therapy isn’t a thing, at all. A lot of people freak out even thinking about it let alone actually trying it. My parents don’t understand neither depression neither therapy so I had to earn my own money for it, that’s why I didn’t do it earlier. I tried explaining it to a lot of people that no matter where you come from, therapy is literally just that: therapy. I tried to explain to people that you don’t have to be crazy to see a therapist and that sometimes, you really do need guidance to get yourself back on track. Some people are open-minded and actually, understand that mental health is just as important as physical health while some people blame the victims for suffering and ‘not getting over it.’ But here comes another thing I’ve learned; I’ve learned to stop. Stop trying so hard to explain, trying so hard to make sense and trying so hard to be understood. I’ve found peace in knowing that I did everything that was in power. I’ve made peace with the fact that it’s inevitable to feel bad sometimes and that feeling bad is also okay. Make sure you don’t overuse your energy. Be there for people, care for them but make sure you’re doing that for yourself as well. Be present, enjoy the moment. In the new year, all I really want is to keep learning, improving, growing. I want to be the healthiest version of myself I could possibly be. Cheers to health, love, and light. Cheers to new beginnings. 

May the upcoming year bring nothing but love, light and amazing memories. 

Love, Albesa

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