[3:14 PM / Sunday / March 31, 2019.]
I’m sitting in the backyard of my house enjoying today’s sunny day. The mountain that’s my view is just amazing and so inspiring. I’ve cleaned the house a little, I cooked a nice meal and now I’m here trying to figure out what’s been going on in my heart. I’ve been in Kosovo for a week now and oh boy, I’m so happy but full of mixed emotions at the same time. I don’t even know what I wanna say, I just know that I’m doing good and at this point, that’s all I care about. I have no clue where I’m going in life, I’ve already written that before and I mean it, but I’m managing to stay calm and let time show me what decisions I’m gonna make. I’m not trying to figure out everything at once and that is, my dear people, big progress for me. Me thinking about the future and constantly being afraid of it was one of the main causes of my anxiety. I still think about the future, of course, I do, but now I’m pretty much okay with the thought of things not going as planned. One door closes, another one opens. It’s always good to come to Kosovo to get away from the toxic atmosphere I’m surrounded by in Croatia. I’m always trying to find ways to feel at least okay with my life there but it’s always an on and off thing. I have everything that I need, but I always feel like a stranger. Does that have to be a bad thing though? On the other hand, life in Kosovo wouldn’t be a dream either. Kosovo is a country that I like to call a work in progress. There are a lot of things that must be improved here, a lot of people are still quite small-minded, sexism is a giant problem and job-related possibilities are very limited. Anyway, let’s go back to what I usually write about. I visited my grandma yesterday. She’s been suffering from Parkinson’s disease for ten years now and her health is worse than before every time I visit her. I’ve had a very close relationship with her ever since I can remember, everyone knows that I’m ‘qika gjyshës’ which in Albanian means ‘grandma’s girl’. It’s absolutely heartbreaking to see her not being able to walk independently or do anything else without someone else’s help. She can barely talk now and I could barely hear what she was telling me, a little because she was talking quietly and a little because I was sobbing. I could literally feel her pain while she was holding my stone-cold hand. My grandma is one of a very few people who has never ever criticized me and I’m so thankful for that. There are no words to describe the amount of love I have for her and that’s something that’s never going to change. I wish she didn’t suffer her entire life, I wish people she’s surrounded by every day cherished her a little more. I don’t really know what else to say, I’m gonna try and have a good time with my cousin best friend while we’re together here in Kosovo. Flor and I just go well together, it’s easy for us to be around each other. We never fight and it’s because we’re able to communicate and solve things before it’s too late. I just love us together and what we have. That’s pretty much it, my dear people. I hope whoever gets to read this is doing okay. Don’t forget to be kind to yourself and others around you. And be very, very grateful.
Love, Albesa
Albesa's journal 