Not doing good

Tuesday / December 28, 2021.

I haven’t written anything here for the longest time ever. It’s been almost three months since I’ve last posted a story.. That pretty much explains how I’ve been. I’ve been going through one of the hardest times of my life and I’m just so extremely exhausted. The family situation is still at the same exact spot, nothing has been solved, nothing is moving forward, and we’re all tired of waiting for good news. We’ve been waiting for something this entire year. It’s been so hard and it has hurt and traumatised me in some new and scary ways. It’s gonna take some time to heal after it’s all over. Losing a business is terrifying. Not getting the money to move on is even more terrifying. Waiting for people to act accordingly is a losing game. It’s simply a horrible situation to be in and with my last bits of energy, I’m trying to dig in deep into my heart and find some hope there because right now, at this exact moment, I don’t really have much of it. I’ve lost my hope while constantly waiting for something that should’ve been done months and months ago. I’m writing this story with so much pain in my heart and so much weight on my chest. I think I’ve handled this hard year pretty well but this past month, dear god, I’ve been feeling so down, and so awful I can’t even put it into words. I’m full of pain to say the least, pain from multiple things. This past month kicked my ass for real. Then there’s university. If you’ve ever studied at a university, you’ll be able to understand how hard it is just it being university. Now imagine university while dealing with severe anxiety and constant episodes of depression. My mental health has gotten much worse these last two months, especially this past one month when I felt myself entering the dark room (a term for depression that I’ve been using ever since I’ve created this blog back in January 2017.)  It’s so hard to do anything. I still go to university, I still go to work, and I’m so proud of myself for that but I’m extremely tired and I don’t think anyone understands what I’m going through. I have so much studying to catch up on. Important exams are coming and I’m extremely anxious and scared of all the work that I need to do considering what I’m going through. I just don’t know anything anymore. Then there’s something else that’s hurting me: realising that I’m not feeling good in a friendship that I had ended but after a year decided to give another try. I gave it another try but I realised I’m still hurt and I’m still very disappointed. I’m not in peace at all. I’m stuck in a very uncomfortable situation once again. I feel like I got back with an ex that I love so much but just know we’re not compatible for each other. This is extremely hard. I’ve given my best to be the absolute best friend that I could and I feel it my heart that I didn’t get any of it back. And I don’t want that for myself anymore. There’s another thing that  I ‘d maybe like to write about and include in this story even though it’s just another disappointment. I’m talking about a failed talking stage, another disappointment, another time of me being taken for granted or for a fool. I’m not hurt, but I’m extremely disappointed and at times a little sad simply because I know what I deserve and I never get any of it. Neither do I get what I give. But the good things is that I’m in peace knowing that I’ve done nothing but treat them right so, definitely not my loss. Life is a mess right now in many areas, and I need to figure things out. I need to slowly get back to taking care of myself. I need to take care of the food I eat because I’ve been eating so unhealthy and I feel even worse. I need to rest for a little bit, and then I’ll get back to things no matter hard it’s going to be. New Year is just around the corner and I want to start it with a little hope. Hope that things will eventually fall into its place and it won’t hurt as much anymore. And that I’ll fight and work for myself and my future more than ever before. It’s hard but I got this. And if you’re going through something too, you got it. That’s it for this story. I’m not even gonna read what I wrote, I’m just gonna leave it like this because it’s an accurate description of my life right now. 

I feel so much better after writing all of that and expressing my pain. I’ll never be gone for that long ever again.

Sending love and light to whoever needs it a little extra these days.

 Til’ the next story!

♡, Albesa. 

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