Today (it’s fine)

[9:27 PM / Monday / July 29, 2019]

I have so much to say, so much to express, so much to write about. I don’t exactly know what it is; I could try to explain it for days and days but I don’t think I would succeed. I remember I once wrote in one of my stories, how I didn’t want to write about sadness anymore. I remember how big my wish to write about happiness was. Looking back, it seems like, at the time, I naively believed that things would get better, and I’d start writing about happy things only. But it’s never just happiness or sadness. There are so many things in between those two; so much hard work, so much energy, so much fear, doubt, pain, so many failures, and trials, so many tears, both happy ones, and sad ones. Life is just so unpredictable, so strange and quite short actually. We pay so much attention to things that damage us, we care so much about people who couldn’t care less about us, we treat ourselves poorly, and give too much to others. We want more all the time. But more of what? Let me tell you about myself and what I want more of. I want more peace, genuine peace and harmony around and within myself. I want genuine people and genuine relationships where we mutually bring out the best out of each other. I want to believe in myself. I don’t want to feel tired. I want to rest when I know it’s necessary. I’m finally learning to do that. What does that mean?  I’ve always tried so hard. I tried hard to keep things together so they wouldn’t fall apart even more. I tried hard to be there for people while I had no idea where I was myself. I’m trying hard not to be devastated by the truth. I’m trying harder than ever, and it’s working, little by little, day by day. I’m more aware of my days now. I’m more aware of myself now. I don’t take  this day for granted. I’m just another human. I can’t take as much as I used to think I had to take. I’m trying not to carry other people’s troubles anymore. You can love people without pressuring yourself to solve all of their problems. Being there with/for them is enough. You can love people without trying to say something in order to console them. We don’t always have the right words to say, but listening is more powerful than talking anyway.  Take a step back and revalue yourself, your life, your environment. We should all focus more on ourselves, improving our overall quality of life and make the most out of it today and every day. Today is our reality. We have so many dreams, visions and plans yet we dare to risk and leave them for tomorrow. Why? What is it about tomorrow? You are here, right now, today. Make an impact today. Do something good today. I’m grateful that I’m here. I’m grateful for pushing myself to be and do better every day. I’m happy that I’m motivated to progress. Don’t expect life to be black or white. Here is an example: I honestly don’t like my job that much this year, however, on the bright side, it really brought me many amazing things. It makes me get out of bed, and continue living so I don’t get consumed by the pain brought by my grandma’s death, it makes me be brave, it makes me confront my anxiety, I’m able to earn my own money, afford therapy, learn new things, and develop new business skills. It teaches me responsibility and time management which I’ll also need once October comes and I’m back in college (which I also paid with the money I earned doing the job I don’t like.) It all pays off somehow, but it also depends on what you’re focused on. If I could  advise you anything, I’d advise you to lower your expectations. Some things are gonna take longer than you ever thought they would, some things are gonna begin, and some are end. It’s all okay. Instead of being bitter, try finding something to learn from it. Just try, just consider this idea. Take some time to stop and breathe, be grateful, do your thing, count your blessings, mind your own business and life will seem brighter itself. Your stories will become happier, just like mine are.

This story is kinda all over the place. I don’t know the point of it but it’s still pretty much okay though, right?

Take care of yourself.

♡ Albesa

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