Thursday / November 28, 2019
It’s almost 6 AM and I haven’t slept a single bit yet. I don’t know if I should love or hate nights like these. Hate because they’re painful and long; love because they remind me of how strong I am. Let me tell you something: I haven’t been doing my best. I feel low, betrayed and mistreated. Mostly by myself; you know why? Because even though I put so much hard work into learning to genuinely respect and value myself, even though I know what I deserve, I always try so hard to convince myself to give people a chance, to give people some time and space. And you know what happens? I end up damaging myself by trying to accept the unacceptable. I end up taking too much, I end up tolerating too much. I’m learning to trust that feeling you get in your stomach when you know that something just isn’t right. I’m learning to react on time, and act according to that feeling. I’m learning to react before I get consumed by whatever it is that’s going on in the moment, whether it’s good or bad. I want to rest. I want to breathe. I want to say ‘no’ every time I know it’s the right thing to do. I also want to say yes to whatever brings me joy no matter the fear that is always present. I don’t want to take less/more than I give. I don’t want to give more than they deserve and end up feeling empty. I want to get what I always give: the truth. Because telling the truth also means respect. It also means empathy. It means so much! I’m always learning. I’m getting somewhere. This is all a part of it. There is so much left to learn but if there’s one thing that I know for sure, it has to be this: no matter if it’s good or bad, telling the truth will be always and forever be the best thing you can do for yourself and others.
I can handle these nights. I can wake up and carry on with gratitude. I can to survive whatever life puts me through. I choose to survive. I choose to keep learning. And I hope you do too.
To be continued.