Friday / October 30, 2020
I’m writing this from my bed where I’ve been laying for about a week now due to corona virus. I got tested a few days ago and unfortunately, it’s positive. To say that I’m bored is an understatement. Not only bored, but also extremely demotivated and very anxious about all the work that I have to catch up on. The first couple of days were awful. Severe headache, sore throat, blocked nose, fever, pain in my muscles and what not. I feel a little better now but I’m still recovering. I’m exhausted, physically, emotionally and mentally. As I said, I’m extremely demotivated, it’s super hard to imagine myself being productive right now. I’m feeling quite miserable, but I guess I’ll get better as my health comes back. It’s just that I really can’t catch a break. It’s one thing after another, constantly, all the time. I’m never in peace. There’s always some sort of turbulence happening to me or around me. I think it’s quite natural to feel the way I feel giving the circumstances. Life can get really tough. These two last years have been the hardest and the most transformative years of my life. Something was happening all the time. Hard stuff; that takes time to process and accept. But I’m here. I survived, and I’ll survive this too. It’s not easy, however, I’m happy and grateful that I’m recovering and that I’ll be able to go back to my usual life soon. I’m trying to see and understand the lessons this situation can teach me. There are a bunch of things coming to my mind, particularly this one: we tend to have that ‘nah, it won’t happen to me’ mindset but let me just tell you something; oh hell yeah it will! It might happen to you, whatever it is that you think it won’t. Be careful, take into consideration that we’re all just humans, non of us is superior to one another. We don’t enjoy life enough, thinking that we have time and all this future ahead of us. We care too much about things that are simply not healthy for us; for example: what will people think? We don’t know what tomorrow brings, will I notice my health getting worse? Will I get better and then get hit by a car a couple days later? I know I sound extremely pesimisstic but only when we have things like these happen to us do we realize that we really do waste our lives away worrying too much and enjoying too little. Live your life and learn to live with that uncomfortable feeling that comes with the question ‘what will people think of me’? I’m learning, slowly but surely. For example, I’ve made huge progress with talking openly about mental health on Instagram, where people who know me personally follow me. They might me thinking ‘what is she talking about’, ‘what’s wrong with her’, ‘why is she suffering’ etc, etc. It gets uncomfortable, of course, but I need to stop trying to control how what I post might appear to other people. Everyone will take it differently. Some might be confused, some might be delighted. And what I can do and choose to do is let them be, and think. Whatever they want. And I do the same for myself. As long as my intentions are pure and I’m doing what I love, I’ll be just fine, even when questioning if someone from instagram thinks I’m lame. Their opinion, at the end of the day; it doesn’t have to stop me. Or you, or anyone.
Til next time,