Quite a big burden (to say the least)

Sunday / August 29, 2021.

Aaaaand here we are. The time to write has come. No more avoiding hard conversations with myself, no more avoiding confronting hard feelings. I’ve been avoiding writing about stuff for about a month now and it’s gotten me nowhere. I told my sister about an hour ago how I just don’t want to write about sad stuff. But my dear people, that’s how life is sometimes. Me and my family are going through a very hard period. My family doesn’t own a business anymore as my dad decided to sell his part of the business to my uncle. The problem is that the majority of the money has not been given to us yet and we can’t move on and invest in another business. It’s been months and months of waiting for the money to be given to us and now it has come to the point where there’s no hope anymore. We have lost our financial stability. We are broke. I stop and think to myself, when and how did this happen, because it just seems so surreal. I come from a very hard working family. My dad has been working since he was 14!! We’ve always felt secure and stable. And now we’re here, a family of 10 members, all unemployed, waiting for our money. One day they say it’s gonna be done in two days, one day they say it’s gonna take another two weeks. And that’s been being said for months now. It’s been awful. This year has not only damaged me in a couple new ways, but my family too. It’s all we talk about, it’s all we’re focused on. And I can’t blame anyone for that because there’s nothing you can do without money. We can’t move on and open a new business, we can’t live comfortably like we’re used to. We have to be super careful with our spendings all the time. The bills keep coming and coming and the money is nowhere to be seen. I’m devastated. It’s not about the money, it’s about the emotional damage, stress and frustration that we’re going through. I don’t understand a lot of things. My only hope is that this will be solved somehow, as soon as possible. My dad and big brother have some ideas about opening a business in Germany. Croatia is no longer an option for our new business once we get our money. I think Germany is a good option, as the quality of life is quite high there. And it’s a great country overall. Life in Croatia has lost all its meaning. Even though I was born and raised here, I’m only here because of my studies; nothing else. Speaking of studies, I find it super hard to start studying and get my work done. My head is simply full of so much stuff, and thoughts and fears it’s hard to sit down and study. I’m trying not to freak out and simply take it slow. I’m not giving up on my dreams, I just need to slow down so I don’t crash completely. So I will slow down, and hopefully, I will not be feeling guilty about it. I went to Kosovo this summer and my budget was the lowest ever. I didn’t even want to go but my cousin / best friend was getting married so I wanted to be there for her of course. Other than that, under these conditions, I wouldn’t have travelled anywhere. I was tired every day, physically and emotionally. I had fun and created some amazing memories, but I suffered too. It’s just hard, very hard and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m starting my job as an English teacher for kids soon. I will only be working one day a week in the beginning; that’s fine. I think I’ll look for another job and have two jobs so I can earn as much money as possible while going to university. There are a lot of expenses that I need to cover. I’m incredibly stressed but I think I’m handling this situation quite well. I’m trying to stay optimistic even though it feels like I’m lying to myself sometimes. I don’t know what’s gonna happen but I hope it will end well. Till then, I’ll try to do as much of what I love doing and keep myself in a good headspace. On a positive note, me and my childhood best friend that I went separate ways with about a year and a half ago, decided to give our friendship another try. I love her so much and I truly hope that from now on, we will only keep getting even better friends. I apologised for my words that I know hurt her. I apologised for a lot of things because I know I made a mistake. She apologised to me for her mistakes and explained the meanings behind some of her actions. I’m happy we were able to forgive each other and I’m glad we’re back and better than ever. An apology goes a long way, so instead of losing people, lose your egoistic walls and apologise when you need to. Life is messy at the moment but there are things worth fighting for so that’s why I have to keep going. There’s more to write about but this story is already all around the place. I met someone who seems quite different from everyone I’ve met in the past. We’ll see what happens. I just wanted to mention it in this story since that’s also one of the things that happened this month. If I had to do a feelings check,  I’d say I feel hurt, disappointed, hopeless and stressed. Still hoping we’ll figure things out soon. I feel a bit better for writing about all of this however, I do feel a heavy weight on my chest as I’m going through thoughts and emotions. I need to rest now, and I think that’s about it for today. Till next time. 

May peace find me and my family again soon. May peace find whoever gets to read this.

We got this, 

♡, Albesa. 

In the midst of a huge, mixed mess

I’ve missed you so much my dear journal. I hate myself for not writing more on here. It’s always on my mind and then I just leave it for some reason. Typing this feel so nice and refreshing for my mind and soul. This place is my favourite place. My happy place, my safe place, my sad place. A go to place no matter what I’m going through. What do I have to write about today? A lot of things are going on. So, so many things. From family problems, financial problems, to repairing a friendship with a long time best friend. I’m okay, but I’m also heartbroken, and sad, and happy, and hopeful and all sorts of different feelings. I don’t know what’s going. Let me tell you about my job first, because it’s a beautiful coincidence. About a month ago, I was doing some basic uni work, writing an essay or something, and I went to facebook to check something related to that. A facebook sponsored post popped up and oh god, how can I not believe that some things are simply  meant to be? The facebook sponsored post was about an English language school for children and teens, they were looking for new teachers. It was the last day to apply, and when I saw that post, it was already 8 PM. I read the post quickly because I was busy doing uni work, which was also due midnight and was thinking to myself ‘oh God, do I apply or what?’ I decided to to apply. I quickly wrote my motivational letter and CV and applied. I wasn’t expecting anything but I received a call the next morning. I was shocked! Long story short, I had to take this teaching training that they do, to train the future teachers (pretty obvious haha lol). I passed it, and now I’m a certified English teacher for children age 3-8. Can you imagine??? It blows my mind honestly. The teaching training was an amazing experience. I learned a lot, met new and amazing people and passed the training. Since I passed the training, I also got the job so I will be starting work in Septembers when the schools open. I’m now waiting for my diploma to arrive; I will stare at it all the time once it arrives haha! I’m so happy about that so yeah, that’s about this beautiful coincidence. The family situation is pretty much the same. Nothing has changed, we’re still waiting for the money so we can invest somewhere and open a new business. The situation has not been the greatest. It’s been hard, really hard but what is there to do? I’m trying to stay hopeful but not gonna lie, I’m not hoping anymore. I have a feeling we will not be getting that money. I don’t know. I can’t wait for all of this to be over because this is simply awful. Terrible. Moving on to another thing; my ex long term best friend called me about a week ago. We had been friends for about 10-11 years before I decided to go my separate way for multiple reasons. It was supposed to be just a phone call but we’ve been texting every day ever since. It’s so weird how we can still talk like we always have. It doesn’t feel like anything has changed. I know we need to talk in person, and I need to apologise for the way I ended the friendship, but as of now, it seems like we’re getting along like we always have. I don’t know. Me and her have always gotten along so well; we’re simply compatible as people. A lot of things have happened between us but I feel like there’s a chance for us to save the friendship. We hadn’t talked in almost a year and a half. A lot has changed in our lives. But we still love each other so much. We still get along so well. Isn’t it worth it to give it one last chance? I honestly don’t know what to say. We definitely need to apologise to each other first, and then see what happens. I hope there will be no more goodbyes. What else do I have to talk about? My best friend / cousin is getting married in a month. Can you imagine? She’s moving to another country, a 13 hour ride away from me. I’m gonna miss her so much, I already am. But I’m happy for her. She found her person, they found each other and now they’re live together and do life together. Isn’t that amazing? They are lucky to have found each other, especially in this day and age when people either don’t want commitment or are scared of it. Love, any type of it, if it feels real, it’s worth going for it. Follow your heart and see what happens. Life is short, and our time is limited, so when you really like someone, make sure to let them know. It’s something that never gets forgotten, which is scary but also pretty amazing. I think that’s about it for today’s story. More to come in the following days.

Till next time, stay safe and truthful.

Oh yeah, just remembered another thing: I got my vaccine! Feeling grateful for it. 

Anyway, that’s it. Bye for today!

♡, Albesa

Never-ending challenges

Thursday / October 22, 2020

I have so much to say and express yet I feel stuck in my own mind. I feel like I don’t really know how to express myself anymore. I try and I try but I can’t seem to find the proper words, the words that come close to how I’m feeling. I’ve been feeling miserable. I’ve been feeling anxious. I constantly have to do something. Study harder, take care of my eating habits, take care of this, take care of that. I really need a break. But how do I take a break? All of these things are constantly on my mind, I feel like I’m failing; every day. I feel like I’m not doing enough. And last but not least; I feel like I’m wasting my life. I rarely have fun. I never go out. I’m having troubles being around people again, so staying at home seems like the easiest option. I was doing so good with my eating habits, but this past month, I’ve noticed myself reaching for food out of boredom, which is what I struggled with for years. I don’t wanna go down that path again. It’s dark and scary. I must not let myself feel discouraged the moment I get challenged by those old patterns. I must stand tall and say ‘no’ to everything that causes me damage. Life feels all over the place right now. Unexpected things are happening. Our family business will no longer be ours in two months. God knows what’s gonna happen; will we open a new business and be somewhat successful? Is it gonna work? There are many questions in my head. I hate uncertainity. I guess I’ll have to wait and see. My fears are creeping in again but I guess it’s gonna be okay. Fingers crossed.

Til’ next time

♡ Albesa 

Missing grandma

Thursday / September 3, 2020

I wish I could hug and kiss my grandma one more time. I wish I could hear her soft voice one more time. I wish I could hold her warm hands one more time. I wish I could have her tell me that it’s gonna be fine one more time. Just one more time. My grandma was light in a human form. She was everything to me. On hard days like these, I miss her so terribly. I miss her every day, but on hard days like these, it gets extremely tough. I miss her so much, I start wishing for things that will never come true. But I can’t help it. I can’t help but let my imagination do its thing. She enjoyed being in the sun, so I imagine us chatting about life on a sunny day. She was always there, to listen, to make me feel better, to make me feel loved. She was always there to remind me that someone believed in me and was rooting for me. I believe that nothing has changed. She’s far away now but her spirit lives close to me. She will have a home wherever I go.

Angel on the sky, I will never stop writing about you. You mean the absolute world to me.

I miss you and I love you so much.

♡ Albesa 

3:55 AM, anxiety and kind reminders

Wednesday / September 2, 2020

I’m going through another crisis; this too shall pass. These feelings are hard to live with, but it will pass. These feelings are with me today, but tomorrow, maybe they will slowly start to walk away. These feelings make it harder to breathe but it will eventually become easier. These feelings are not my entire life. These thoughts are a product of my fear, and my fear is always worse than reality. I still don’t know what tomorrow, and the day after that will bring. I guess I have to keep breathing and see what happens. This is not easy, but I will survive. This time, and every time. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

♡ Albesa 

ps: check on your loved ones and let them know how much they mean to you

All over the place

Wednesday / August 26, 2020

I’ve noticed myself feeling more and more lost. I haven’t written a proper story in a long time. I haven’t really expressed my emotions in a long time. I feel like I’m losing myself a little bit, and it doesn’t feel good at all. So many things have happened in the last 3 months, very heavy and hard things. My grandma died last year, my grandpa died two months ago, the situation at home isn’t the best, I’m not doing great either. I spent a month at home in Kosovo hoping it would help me, and it did, but once I came back home to Croatia, I noticed my mental health getting worse and worse day by day. I don’t have the energy to do anything. I can’t stop sleeping because of how tired and exhausted I am. I don’t really know how to help myself. I see my mom isn’t doing great either and it breaks my heart. She lost both of her parents. There’s nothing I can do, I know, and sitting with that fact is just so hard for me because I’m always the one who’s looking for solutions. I have three exams left to pass. I’m hoping for the best but expecting the worst. I wish I could put in the work properly and be sure that things are gonna turn out fine, but that’s not the case at the moment. I’m still gonna try my best; I’m gonna study as hard as I can. My cousin who is also my best friend got engaged and is moving to Germany next year. My other best friend is moving to Germany too, but in a month and a half. I’m just thinking how much I’m gonna miss both of them. They’re a big part of my life and I truly don’t know how my life is gonna feel knowing that I can’t see them whenever I want to. Still happy for them and the opportunities they’ll get once they move. I guess we’ll be fine. Things are just weird at the moment. Everything feels a little weird. Also, I’m getting myself into something that I’ve never experienced before. I don’t want to talk about it too much, but I eventually will if I see it’s worth it. Not sure how I feel about it at the moment, I’ll see over the next couple weeks / months. I don’t really know what to write anymore. This story is all over the place, but that’s how I’ve been feeling anyway. May I find strength to keep going and do my best no matter the struggles.

Love and light,

♡ Albesa 

How we unintentionally help each other

Wednesday / August 5, 2020

I often wonder who I am, who I’m not, and what makes me who I am. I often think about who I would’ve been if certain things didn’t happen, if I didn’t meet certain people, if I didn’t go through the challenges that to this day feel heavy when I think about it. I think too much, and I worry too much. I find it hard to just be in peace. Sometimes it gets so messy that I even wonder ”can I even feel peace anymore?” But there are some random, short moments of peace that I sometimes find myself in. They only last for a minute, but that minute is long enough to take me to another world, where for a minute, I’m not worried, sad, stressed about a single thing. And it feels so, I don’t even know, strange? I’m not used to being in peace. I’m not used to pausing. I’m used to being in a constant rush; I don’t know where. I’m used to being under constant pressure, to do this, to do that. Always stuck in-between ‘I have to’ and ‘I should’. I’m learning to slow down. I’m not the only one. I recognize it around me all the time. But when it comes to other people, it seems like I almost instantly know what to say, I instantly know how to help. But what about myself? Where am I rushing and why? I get told that my words help and that I make perfect sense. I get told that I’m a good listener. I get told that I’m trustworthy. But let me tell you something: I almost never make sense to myself. I try and try and try to understand myself, why I still think a certain way sometimes, or why I still worry so much even if my fears rarely come true nowadays. But I know what it’s about; it’s always the same thing. I’m worried because I’m terrified of loss. I’m afraid of failure. I’m afraid of not being able to achieve my dreams. I’m afraid of being miserable. I have fears because I’ve experienced everything that I’m afraid of. It’s a day to day kinda thing to be okay with all of it. I can’t imagine some of it happening again. Whoever I talk to, I talk about it openly. I hate how people feel alone when it comes to these kinds of things. I’m not alone, none is. I love how surprised people get when they hear about some of these struggles. ‘You?! What?! But you seem to have it all together!’ Hah! I do have it together, but I also don’t. Am I fine, am I not fine? As I said, it’s a day to day kinda thing. I’ve stopped trying to define myself. Sometimes it hurts all over again, and sometimes I go about my day completely carefree. At this point, I think that’s how you actually live with certain things. I also love how others tend to see me as successful and strong and absolutely capable. It helps to see myself from someone else’s perspective. It reminds me of the fact that my reality is so much brighter than my fears make me think. We help each other in many ways. By being open about different things, I might have helped some of you feel more understood. I’m not always right, especially not when my fears take over, and with your perspective of me, you might have helped me remind myself that I’m doing better than I’m aware of. We both listened and we were both heard; which is sometimes, all the help that we need. 

Talk to each other. 

♡ Albesa 

 

Gentle reminders to myself (and you)

Friday / May 15, 2020 

I’m not here to be loved by people only when it’s convenient for them. I’m not here to keep my mouth shut and just accept things. I’m not here to put on masks and pretend that life is beautiful and exciting all the time. It’s not. And it’s a part of me to be open about it. That way, I’m hopefully helping someone else feel less alone and more understood. I’m not here to stay the same. I’m here to learn, to grow and discover how good can life be even when I’m facing challenges. How good can life be even when I don’t remember the last time I slept properly. Even when I feel like nothing is making sense anymore. 

I’m here to nourish my mindset, to listen, to love and be loved. I’m here to be patient, angry and keep going. I’m here to accept that I can’t do my best all the time. I’m here to let people know that they’re allowed to be themselves around me. I’m here to create and live on my own terms. I’m here to be who I am. We learn a lot and we change a lot. And since I, intentionally and unintentionally, learn something new every day, it might feel that I’m not the same as I was yesterday. Because I’m not. I’m myself one day at a time. Tomorrow? I don’t know what I’ll learn tomorrow therefore I don’t know who I’ll be tomorrow.

Hopefully still someone my younger self would rely on.

Hopefully still someone my grandma would love if she was still here. 

Appreciate yourself and trust the process.

♡ Albesa

A visit from an old friend

Friday / May 8, 2020

Sleepless nights / early mornings are such great timing for planning how you’re gonna get your sh*t together when you wake up later in the late afternoon. Haha, lol. You fall asleep excited to wake up and start the new life that you planned in your head. For a few seconds, you feel like that life is real and it’s really yours. So you fall asleep and you wake up. And suddenly, imagination and excitement are gone. These days, the early morning energy is not there when I wake up. I’ve been waking up tired, exhausted. I’ve been waking up disappointed that my sleep is over and that I have to stay awake and live the next hours with so many things hurting me. This is how a depression relapse looks like. ‘It’s fine’ I say to myself, ‘this too will pass soon’. It will, for sure, I’ve been there before, but it’s so extreme when it’s present; it surprises me every time. It’s so intense and so heavy, it leaves you feeling lifeless even if you’re usually full of life. I like to think of myself as someone who is full of life. It’s been years since I’ve actually felt like that but yeah, I don’t know where I stand with that anymore. I like many things and all of those things bring me so much joy. I like discovering and learning new things all the time. But at the moment, seems like I’m just not able to feel any joy. And I don’t blame myself for that since I never really got the chance to heal properly. I try very hard, I try to communicate with myself as much as possible and really respect what I need. I have come a long, long way but my healing gets interrupted. I don’t know if it’s possible to heal in the same place where it all started. I’ve been trying to figure that out for years now and it hasn’t worked yet. I end up in the dark room again and again. The place that made you sick is still that same old place and from time to time, it all gets too much all over again. I might need some new ideas. I might need to do something just a tiny bit more crazy than what I usually do. I might just have to swallow my fears and explore what I’m so afraid of; relying on myself. 

I’ll be fine. 

♡ Albesa

update: I actually felt joy while writing this. Yay!

❤️ Grandma ❤️

Tuesday / May 5, 2020

Angel on the sky,

I’m writing this with tears in my eyes. I know you would absolutely hate to see me like this but I just miss you so, so much. I think of you every day and every night. I’m looking for signs that you’re somewhere near all the time. Some days I feel like I have it together pretty well, and some days, well, I fall apart a little bit. Just a little bit, don’t worry!! I promise, even on days like these, when I feel absolutely heartbroken, I try to push myself to fight, and to be better, in every way possible. Because of you. For you. You’re the reason. You’re the source of my strength when I feel like I have non of it left. Because you were the one who always believed in me. I remind myself of that every single day. You were the one who never doubted me. You were both, a mother and a father to me. I just love(d) you so much. I love(d) you as a person, not just because of the fact that you were my grandma. You were everything that I admire in other people. Your heart, your soul, your mind, everything was so pure about you. And your hands, oh so, so warm. I’m trying hard, I promise I am. But it’s not easy. It’s hard, extremely hard. I feel the need to talk to you and hear your soft voice telling me that it’s gonna be fine. I don’t believe it when someone else says it, I do feel bad for saying it but I just don’t. Those words would only calm me down when you were the one telling them. The entire world could come together and shout at me telling me that ‘it’s gonna be fine’ and I still wouldn’t believe it. Because the entire world doesn’t mean to me as much as you do. The entire world doesn’t know why I need those words so badly; you do. I will keep trying to be the best version of myself every day so that I can continue to be your favorite granddaughter. It’s nice to know that I was your favorite because you were my favorite too. And truthfully, you will always continue to be; no matter how far away from me you’ve gone.

Wherever you are, I hope you’re in peace.

Don’t worry about me.

I love you and I miss you beyond words.

♡ Albesa

I suggest we start caring more about each other

Friday / March 20, 2020

I was worried about the fact that I haven’t been very inspired or didn’t know what to write about lately. Very unlike my machine-like working mind that comes up with different stories all the time. Luckily, there is so much going on in the world I finally have something to write about. Sarcasm aside, let’s jump into the story. (I’m so excited to write!!!) It’s true a lot has been going on in the world lately; this shitty virus came out of nowhere and it’s taking over the world in the blink of an eye. I’m not going into science or medicine as I know so very little about it, however, I’m going to express how it has made me feel and think. I went to the grocery store today (actually yesterday as it’s past midnight now) and even though I was not surrounded by people that much, and even though it was just a quick errand, I still felt very irresponsible when I came back home. I felt my anxiety taking over me. It’s inevitable to go to the store and buy what is necessary but I don’t know, even though I knew I was healthy, it just didn’t feel right at all. It didn’t feel right to put myself at risk. Please don’t think of this time as an opportunity to hang out with your friends. None of us is on vacation. We must stay inside and protect ourselves and others who may be more at risk than we are. I’m young, I’m only 22, but not everyone around me is. Especially not here in Croatia, the country where I live, where elderly people make a big part of the total population. Please be more considerate, and keep in mind that your irresponsible behavior can seriously damage someone who might not be able to recover. I’m healthy right now, I will make sure I stay healthy and that way, I’ll protect other people’s health as well. If we all do that, if none of us puts ourselves at risk, we can get through this shitty time quicker. Another thing that’s been running around my mind is gratitude. Life has not been easy, at all, but I’m healthy. You know when you feel a pain you’ve never felt before and for a second you think you’re dying and the only thing you want is to be healthy? That’s how I’ve been feeling lately. Nothing else matters. Immigrants and refugees have also been on my mind, as their living conditions are poor and their health is at risk. I’m devastated. My mom asked me why I cared about them so much. I care about people in general but I especially care about people who none else seems to care about. And this is my answer to my mom’s question. I myself, am an immigrant’s child, I myself know how I felt growing up in a society that didn’t want me. But I had a home, a warm home with warm food on the table. If I was having a bad day outside, or in school, knowing that I had a home to return to kept me going through the day. And what do these poor kids have? A tend that flys away once the wind blows a little harder? What keeps them going through the day? No country will be able to escape from different cultures. No country will be able to remain 100% ‘authentic’. As long as they’re contributing to the country, people should be free to create a home wherever they feel it’s best for them. They say the world isn’t divided by race, culture, ethnicity, religion, sexuality like it used to be. What is it then? It’s even worse now. You know why? Because people used to be painfully honest about not wanting someone of a certain characteristic. They used to express it openly whereas now, people like to pretend they’re open-minded and accepting when in reality, they’re far, far away from that. False acceptance is real. A lot of people still struggle to think outside of the box. If these poor people get the necessary support now and if their kids get the chance to have a home and education, they could help the country later. Wouldn’t you want a helping hand if you lost it all today? Make people feel welcome, no matter who they are and where they come from. Sometimes that’s all they have, and in days like these, that’s what could get them through the day. 

This country didn’t want me, but my parents created a warm home here. My education is here. My memories are here. I might not be staying here in a couple of years, but it’s undeniable that this country has given me a lot of things that I’m thankful for. Just like me, someone else could be thankful too. All they need is a chance. 

♡ Albesa

Thoughts turned into a poem (missing grandma)

Sunday / March 8, 2020

Angel on the sky, you’ve been on my mind

it’s you who I think of when the sun is shining bright

I’ve changed a little but I know you don’t mind

I promise to always keep only the goodness in my heart

you would always tell me ‘it’s gonna be alright’

and I would always believe you and sleep tight at night 

Now I’m the one telling you:

even if you see me with tears in my eyes,

even if you see me falling apart,

don’t worry too much,

I’ll be alright

Sleep tight angel,

I miss you.

♡ Albesa

ps: Is this what you call a poem? If yes, then this is the first poem I’ve ever written. I never express myself through poems, but this time, my thoughts were all over the place and only started making sense when I wrote them like this. Poetic Albe, who would’ve thought. Haha. 

Home = peace (what a crisis feels like)

Friday / January 31, 2020

Nothing is making sense at the moment. Sometimes I feel like this blog is the only place I can go to, like it’s an old friend who’s always there to listen. As per usual when life gets messy, I’m struggling to fall asleep, and not only do I feel emotionally and mentally tired but also physically. I had a terrible day which eventually turned into physical pain. I feel my depression creeping in again and I feel sick. So much is going on, I barely see any light. My fear is real. Things are not getting any better, and neither am I. My environment is unhealthy. Some people I’m the closest to are the ones who caused me the most damage over the years. Every time I make some progress, I eventually get taken 10 steps back. I realized that even when I feel better about certain things, it’s because I’m distracted, not because I’ve healed. I’m still not okay with many things. I don’t think I’ll heal as long as I’m here, in this country, in this city, in this home reminded of so many things that turned the energetic and positive child inside of me into an adult who is on survival mode so often. And this country is very cruel sometimes. Everything reminds me of pain here. I was a child when some things were said to me, and those things determined the way I lived my life. There was no one to tell me ‘don’t listen to them’. The ones who were supposed to protect me never did, they neglected and belittled my pain instead. I also did that to myself for years because it was the only thing I knew. I asked for help and no one heard me. This is not my home. Not this country, not this city, not this apartment where I live in. Neither are these feelings. I don’t know where my home is but I know it’s somewhere far away from here. Somewhere where I’m able to sleep, breathe and rest. Somewhere where I’m able to live.

It’s been hard, but I believe it’s gonna be okay. I’ll get through this, and carry on with a new dose of strength and knowledge. If there’s one thing I’ve learned to do over the years, it has to be learning from pain. Pain, my old friend, you’ve made me who I am. I have no idea who I am, but I know who I’m not. I’m not like the ones who took away my home. 

Home = peace

♡ Albesa

A surprisingly good day: noticing progress

Monday / January 27, 2020

I was finishing my burger and this story came to my mind. I’ve actually been thinking about writing about this topic for a long time and I’m glad the time has finally, randomly come. So, I’m sitting alone in this mini vegan/vegetarian restaurant. As I said, I was finishing my burger, staring out of the window hoping I don’t look weird. I take out my laptop because I’m inspired and want to write. I’m curious to know what people think; not worried or anxious just curious; which is great, right? Now, what’s so weird about spending time alone somewhere? Do you ever do that? I don’t leave the house a lot, I go to college, I go to the grocery store, to the mall which is a 15 minute walk from home and that’s pretty much it, I don’t really go to cafes and sit by myself like this. I was in the city because I had to get some work done and I had some extra time before getting more work done so I said to myself: ”I feel like eating a burger, let’s go for a burger.” I came here, enjoyed my burger and that’s it. The place feels good, I like it and it doesn’t feel weird to me. I decided to write about this because it’s much more than just going to a restaurant and eating a burger. Two years ago, I couldn’t even imagine sitting alone somewhere besides public transport, surrounded by a bunch of people. I couldn’t imagine eating in front of people. I never even considered going to a cafe and have a meal; every time I left the house, I wanted to go back home as soon as possible because it was the only place that felt comfortable. And now I’m here writing this story and I’m happy because I realize that this is exactly what progress looks like. You slowly notice that some things don’t cause you negative emotions anymore. You notice you’re able to do a lot more than you used to. I finished my meal, I’m minding my own business, and there is nothing to worry about. And it’s great not to worry all the time. I also got a really good grade for my essay, which helps me with my fear of failure and that’s also great. Now I’m heading to the orphanage where I hope I’ll be chosen as a volunteer, which I’ve been wanting to do since high school. I’m having a good day and oh lord, it’s a breath of fresh air. It’s so nice to have a good day, it feels unreal. It’s been hard for a long time now so I really appreciate days like these. I must not forget that I can have days like these a lot more often if I don’t allow negative stuff to control my life. Negative stuff happens all the time, it’s inevitable, but it can be just a part of your day instead of your entire day. Point of this story: spend more time doing what you love and pay attention to the bits of your progress more. I definitely will. 

Til next time,

♡ Albesa

What’s been going on; part one

Sunday / January 19, 2019

I’ve been gone for a month and I don’t even know why. So much has happened and I’ve written a lot on my phone but I never ended up posting it on the blog. Only now do I realize how much I’ve missed the sound of typing on the laptop. I love it so much! But yeah, where have I been, what have I been doing? Let’s get into it. I’m gonna start with something really amazing. Flor (my cousin and best friend who had moved to Austria with her entire family almost 4 years ago) is back to living in Croatia. I can’t believe we live in the same country again and get to see each other every day pretty much. Is this real life? I think I’ve written about her before but let me introduce her again; she’s my best friend, my cousin, my support system. We grew up together, went to school together, did everything together until she moved. It was terrible when she moved to Austria because I was used to doing everything with her. It felt like I lost a part of myself when I had to learn to do things on my own,  without a companion. Even though I’ve learned a lot about independence and how important it actually is, life feels more complete now that she’s back. How beautiful is that? My other cousins are back as well and I’m so happy I get to be a part of their lives a little bit more now that we live in the same country again. I’m also kind of sorry that they’re back because this country sucks in many aspects but I’m really not trying to get into politics, education system, and whatnot at 3:30 AM. I’m just gonna appreciate that we’re close to each other again. I’ll definitely be writing about our upcoming daily adventures in the future. What I also want to talk about is that I feel stuck in some of my long-time friendships. I see that I’ve overgrown certain people and certain friendships and I really don’t know what to do. I’ll have to sit down and think about whether I want to invest more energy into that or not. To be completely honest, I don’t think that’s gonna happen anymore. I’m really tired of trying to save friendships that just haven’t grown along with me or haven’t progressed like I thought they would. I want to be okay with the fact that two people just need to go their separate ways sometimes. I don’t want to feel guilty for leaving a friendship I no longer feel good in. It breaks my heart, but it’s the most honest truth. I still love and respect these people but sometimes it’s just not what it used to be and it really doesn’t have to be anyone’s fault. If I don’t do what I feel is best for me, I’m gonna end up being at war with myself. I’ve been there before, and I believe a lot of other people have been there too. It’s exhausting, energy-draining, and pretty hard to get out of (the war in your mind). Confront reality and make decisions based on it. As my therapist likes to say ”don’t be just another person who ignores the pink elephant in the room.” The elephant stands for the big and obvious problem, and pink stands for us making things more beautiful than they are in reality in order to create fake peace inside ourselves and avoid confrontations. I’m currently struggling so much and I don’t have the energy to confront anyone or anything at the moment but it’s definitely somewhere around the corner. Right now, I need myself more than ever. All of my energy has to be directed to the right places such as my mental health, my physical health, my mindset, studying, writing, creating and other things that are important to me. More about my current struggle in the next story. 

♡ Albesa

 

Grandma and her response

Wednesday / November 13, 2019 

I’m sitting in the backyard of my house here in Kosovo trying to remember everything I want to write about in this story. It’s pretty surreal that I’m even here at this time of the year. It’s my last day today so I wanted to take the chance and write about this experience before I hit the road to go back to Croatia. Anyway, let’s get into the story. I think I’ve written about Kosovo before, and how for me, the main reason for coming here has always been my grandma. She passed away 5 months ago and I was afraid of coming here knowing that she is no longer here to wait for me. I dreamt of my grandma every other day for almost a month so I took that as a sign that I really, really needed to talk to her. So I decided to do what I was so afraid of. I decided to come to Kosovo and face her death. I went to her house, sat where we always used to sit, remembered how kind she was, remembered how she talked, remembered the way she walked. She was so loving and so loved I often think about how unfair it is that she suffered so much throughout her life. I visited her grave yesterday. I told her a lot of things, and for a tiny moment, I let myself get carried away. For a tiny moment, I felt like she was there, listening to me carefully,  I felt like she was there, paying attention to what I was saying. What if she really was there though? I don’t remember the last time I cried and laughed at the same time like that, it was incredibly relieving. It’s unbelievable that I have to go to that sad place in order to talk to her, but I’m so glad I did it. The heavy weight on my chest was starting to become unbearable. I had to get things out of my chest, I had to tell her how much I love her. I had to apologize, I had to tell her that I’m sorry for not calling her more often, for not spending more time with her when I was in Kosovo. I’m sorry for not having celebrated a single birthday with her. But no matter how sorry I am, I can’t go back in time and change things. It is what it is, so it’s better to try and make peace with it somehow. I’m in peace because she knew how much I loved her, at least I hope she did. She truly was and will forever be my biggest love and inspiration. If the afterlife exists, I hope she’s in a peaceful place where she’s able to rest how she deserves. Everything beautiful reminds me of her. Every ray of sunshine reminds me of her. She was a light that you only meet once in a lifetime but keeps you warm and enlightened for the rest of your life. I have to go back to Croatia in a couple hours, but I already can’t wait to come to Kosovo and visit her again. As much as it breaks my heart that I can’t hug her, hold her hand and give her a kiss anymore, just knowing that I got to experience that kind of love fills me with so much love and warmth. I was afraid to come here but I survived. I was afraid of not getting a response from my grandma, but I don’t think that happened. I got a lot of responses. I didn’t hear her voice, I didn’t touch her but I feel close to her. I feel peace. I feel optimistic about life. Does that count as a response too?

I’m heartbroken but I’m also incredibly grateful. 

Gjyshe t’du shume!!!

♡ Albesa

 

Kind of all over the place

Tuesday / November 5, 2019

I’ve been wanting to sit down and write for days and days now. So many feelings have been combined, so many emotions, I just don’t know what to write, what to say, how to compose a story and make it make sense. But you can’t wait until it makes sense; who knows if it ever will? It’s been a month since college started. I’m very content with it, the energy around me is good and I feel okay when I’m there. My classes don’t take my entire day so I’m really happy that I have enough time for the other things I love doing. On the other hand, my lack of motivation, willingness, and energy has become concerning. I haven’t studied at all. I haven’t slept properly in more than a month; to say that I’m exhausted is an understatement. I know I’m anxious, sad, stressed and still very numb from my grandma’s death but how come I still have enough energy to stand on my feet; I’m truly surprised. I visited the doctor yesterday and I’ve been told I’ll have to do some brain scans to find out where the problem is. I hope everything is okay and that I’ll be able to sleep well and function normally as soon as possible. This past month has also been strange for another reason. I’ve been experiencing something I’ve never experienced before and it’s just, I don’t know, strange (to say the least)!!! Things I never thought could happen, things I never expected to happen are happening. I don’t wanna talk about it too much, we’ll see what happens; I’ll definitely write about it again sometime soon and reveal more about it. I celebrated my 22nd birthday a few days ago. I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned but I really don’t like it when it’s my birthday. Some intense nostalgia occurs and I feel lost. It must be because I had a very good childhood and things are nothing like that now. Everything, literally everything has changed and I can’t help but miss those carefree days sometimes. Days when I didn’t know the painful truth, days when I hadn’t lost anyone, days when I thought a lot of people had my back. Those days are gone but I’m still here. And right now right here, where I am now, I must push myself harder than ever and survive, like I always have. There is no going back to ‘the good old days’, the only possibility I have is to take care of the days that are about to come and make them somewhat beautiful. I think I’ll be traveling to Kosovo on Friday. I feel the heavy weight on my chest caused by the struggle to accept grandma’s death. I need to talk to her. I need to survive not getting a response. Because that’s the truth, and I always want to know the truth, no matter how painful it is. I can take it, I don’t really have an option, do I?

Life is full of ups and downs. Give yourself a break, things will get better.

We got this.

♡ Albesa

 

To everyone battling with mental illness

Thursday / October 10, 2019, / World mental health day

If I knew this about two and a half years ago when my depression was at its highest point, I would have saved myself from a lot of sleepless nights full of overthinking, pain, and fear. I can’t go back and be there for my 19-year-old college drop-out, depressed self, but as someone who made it out of the dark room, this is what I have to say to you. Keep these words somewhere in your mind; try to create an idea out of them. Okay?

There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing to be ashamed of. What the society around you thinks/says about your mental illness is due to ignorance; don’t take it personally. You’re still the same person, with the same qualities, the same values, you’re still as worthy as you were before. Allow yourself to be a complete mess. Allow yourself not to know what to do. Allow yourself to fail. Allow yourself to be whoever you need to be at the moment. Allow yourself to ask for help. But never allow yourself to think that this is it, that your life is over, that things will never be ‘normal’ again or that this is what God, destiny or the universe has planned for you because it really isn’t. There’s so much more to life than wanting to disappear or sleep your pain out. There’s no sleep long enough that makes it better. It only gets better when you grab yourself by the hand and decide to try, try and try, all the time, every day. That’s what life actually is. Things don’t work right away, but you eventually become braver and braver as you challenge yourself to try again. Carry your fear with you, and get out there along with it. I know you feel terrified and think you might die but that thought is not true, not at all. You’re gonna be just fine; that fear of yours is not as strong as you think it is, trust me on this one. Slow down, and breathe. Trust the process. Little by little, day by day, things will start making sense again. 

I root for every single one of you who gets to read this story.

You got this. 

♡ Albesa

Is life doing me a favor?

 Monday / October 7, 2019

It’s almost 4 AM and I have to wake up pretty early but I’m struggling to fall asleep. My mind feels crazy. My thoughts are everywhere and nowhere at the same time. I feel so lost and so empty it’s really hard to put it into words. It’s been hard. I try to be that person who has their shit together most of the time but the truth is that I’m far away from that. I fall apart quite often. And honestly, I feel like it’s necessary at this point. I’ve taken so much of everything that came my way and it has become too much a long time ago. I am by no mean trying to keep myself together anymore. I’ve been letting myself be broken, sad, angry no matter how uncomfortable I am with those feelings. This entire year has been quite challenging, especially these past few months. From losing my grandma who meant the absolute world to me, to going separate ways with my best friend after 8 years of friendship to struggling to maintain my mental health to eating disorders to endless family dramas that drain my energy on a daily basis. I feel like I should be writing about college and how happy I am to be back in class and, as much as I really am happy about it, I haven’t had the chance to enjoy it quite yet. I started going to the gym a few days before college started and it felt  amazing. I hadn’t felt like myself in ages and it took me 3 days of gym to change that for the better. It gave me so much mental strength, I really started feeling like my life actually can make sense. I felt happy, responsible and strong. I felt like a true fighter. Only 3 days of training, can you imagine?! But as life likes to test my patience apparently, on my first day of college, my leg started to hurt, just like it did in 2017 and 2018. So I had no other option than to stop going to the gym. Right when I made that big step, right when I took my anxiety by the hand and decided to go to the gym along with it, I was obligated to stop. Right when I started putting in the work in improving myself, I started feeling lost with myself again. My leg pain got so bad; to the point where I go to college just to count down the minutes till’ I get to go home. And this pain that came out of nowhere right when things started falling into it’s place, made me so incredibly angry and bitter about life. It took me a lot of courage to go to college again, it took me a lot of courage to start going to the gym and I’m mad because it seems like the universe just prefers the miserable version of me. I just don’t understand. How and why does everything in my life have to be messy? Why does life keep testing me as if I’m someone who can handle much more than what I’ve already handled? And what if it’s true? What if I’m really, really strong and life wants me to recognize that by putting me through these situations? What if this is the universe trying to show me how capable I am? What if this is the way to finally stop doubting myself?

Sending lots of love and light to whoever might need it, including myself.

♡ Albesa

Today (it’s fine)

[9:27 PM / Monday / July 29, 2019]

I have so much to say, so much to express, so much to write about. I don’t exactly know what it is; I could try to explain it for days and days but I don’t think I would succeed. I remember I once wrote in one of my stories, how I didn’t want to write about sadness anymore. I remember how big my wish to write about happiness was. Looking back, it seems like, at the time, I naively believed that things would get better, and I’d start writing about happy things only. But it’s never just happiness or sadness. There are so many things in between those two; so much hard work, so much energy, so much fear, doubt, pain, so many failures, and trials, so many tears, both happy ones, and sad ones. Life is just so unpredictable, so strange and quite short actually. We pay so much attention to things that damage us, we care so much about people who couldn’t care less about us, we treat ourselves poorly, and give too much to others. We want more all the time. But more of what? Let me tell you about myself and what I want more of. I want more peace, genuine peace and harmony around and within myself. I want genuine people and genuine relationships where we mutually bring out the best out of each other. I want to believe in myself. I don’t want to feel tired. I want to rest when I know it’s necessary. I’m finally learning to do that. What does that mean?  I’ve always tried so hard. I tried hard to keep things together so they wouldn’t fall apart even more. I tried hard to be there for people while I had no idea where I was myself. I’m trying hard not to be devastated by the truth. I’m trying harder than ever, and it’s working, little by little, day by day. I’m more aware of my days now. I’m more aware of myself now. I don’t take  this day for granted. I’m just another human. I can’t take as much as I used to think I had to take. I’m trying not to carry other people’s troubles anymore. You can love people without pressuring yourself to solve all of their problems. Being there with/for them is enough. You can love people without trying to say something in order to console them. We don’t always have the right words to say, but listening is more powerful than talking anyway.  Take a step back and revalue yourself, your life, your environment. We should all focus more on ourselves, improving our overall quality of life and make the most out of it today and every day. Today is our reality. We have so many dreams, visions and plans yet we dare to risk and leave them for tomorrow. Why? What is it about tomorrow? You are here, right now, today. Make an impact today. Do something good today. I’m grateful that I’m here. I’m grateful for pushing myself to be and do better every day. I’m happy that I’m motivated to progress. Don’t expect life to be black or white. Here is an example: I honestly don’t like my job that much this year, however, on the bright side, it really brought me many amazing things. It makes me get out of bed, and continue living so I don’t get consumed by the pain brought by my grandma’s death, it makes me be brave, it makes me confront my anxiety, I’m able to earn my own money, afford therapy, learn new things, and develop new business skills. It teaches me responsibility and time management which I’ll also need once October comes and I’m back in college (which I also paid with the money I earned doing the job I don’t like.) It all pays off somehow, but it also depends on what you’re focused on. If I could  advise you anything, I’d advise you to lower your expectations. Some things are gonna take longer than you ever thought they would, some things are gonna begin, and some are end. It’s all okay. Instead of being bitter, try finding something to learn from it. Just try, just consider this idea. Take some time to stop and breathe, be grateful, do your thing, count your blessings, mind your own business and life will seem brighter itself. Your stories will become happier, just like mine are.

This story is kinda all over the place. I don’t know the point of it but it’s still pretty much okay though, right?

Take care of yourself.

♡ Albesa

It’s not over

[6:29 PM / Sunday / July 14, 2019]

Something felt off the moment I woke up today and I’ve been trying to figure out what it is but haven’t managed to yet. I wish I could say that I’m living my best life but at the moment, I’m far, far away from that. From dealing with grandma’s death which is by far the most painful thing I’ve ever had to accept to dealing with family dramas on a daily basis, I’m trying really hard not to get consumed by it. And it’s hard, very hard. Then there is other stuff; anxiety, being tired of my own self and how irresponsible I am with myself sometimes, not knowing where I stand with people, to feeling like I know nothing at all. How bad is all of that? Can I still live a healthy life despite all of that? Yes, for sure, but as long as I’m keeping my mind on everything that makes me upset, healthy life is gonna feel very distant. The situation I’m in right now is painful, uncomfortable, and it requires a lot of patience, which I sometimes don’t know where to get. I’m alive though. I’m alive and breathing and making it to another day, every day, which proves that in reality, it isn’t THAT bad. I mean it is, but it isn’t, if you know what I mean. I’m still waking up, going to work, improving my eating habits which is, surprisingly, going very well. I’m still going to therapy, trying to help myself get better, learn, grow, improve. I’m still determined to go to college which is terrifying after my last college experience. So many things are terrifying but I’m somehow still not completely defeated. Nothing is easy when you don’t believe in yourself, not even the simplest things. I’m tired, and I need to rest more than ever. I need to give myself a break. I need to set more boundaries. Not everything requires my reaction and that’s why I need to let myself be in peace, even when others aren’t. I don’t have the solution to every problem that I or someone I love might face. It’s still fine. You know what’s not fine? Deciding to accept your misery isn’t fine. Having chances to improve your life but not taking them isn’t fine. Deciding not to try again anymore isn’t fine. I don’t want to sound harsh but life isn’t always sweet, in fact, most of the times it isn’t, so if we’re not gonna keep going, what else can we do? If I let my sadness consume me, I’ll eventually die, and you’ll eventually die too. I don’t know where I’ll be tomorrow, and as much as I want to sleep for an entire year straight, I’m actually thankful for it. My days are not filled with happiness, my days are filled with sadness. I’m just learning to live with this new form of pain brought by my grandma’s death. It’s been terrible. I’ve been trying to accept the fact that she’s not counting down the days till I go to Kosovo like I am. I can’t say that I’m fine at the moment but I must not stop believing that life can still be beautiful. I’m young. I’m trying. I’m just another human. What I’m going through is a part of the human experience. This is not the final destination of my human experience. It’s still not over. 

I’ll be fine, we’ll be fine. 

Love and light,

♡ Albesa

 

 

Me, my mother and grandma

[10:25 PM / Thursday / June 27, 2019]

I’ve had this heavy feeling inside my chest ever since grandma died. I haven’t slept properly since grandma died. I want to see her so badly, but she is nowhere to be seen, not even in my dreams. Why? Nothing helps. Right now, it seems like it’s only getting harder as time is passing by. I still can’t believe it. I still don’t understand it. My heart is heavy, full of sadness. I can only imagine how painful it will be to go back to her house and not have her give me a warm welcome hug. All of my memories with her will run through my brain and I will fall apart, again and again and again. I will fall apart wanting to go back to my wonderful childhood at grandma’s house. And I know it’s okay. I allow myself to fall apart because it’s a part of my realest self; to fall apart and pick myself up again. It’s actually what I’m very good at. But how can I pick up my dear mother? My mother whose sad eyes break my heart into a million tiny pieces of pain. My mother who has lived her entire life missing her mother because she lived miles and miles away from us. My mother who hasn’t slept properly for months now because she didn’t want her mother to die alone? Oh dear mother, your mother is gone and as much as it hurts, we have to keep going. Dear mother, your wonderful mother, my wonderful grandma, always wanted us to be happy. So that’s what we have to strive for. We will go through this pain together, and help each other get used to it. Mother, you are heartbroken; I can see it and feel it even though you’re trying to keep yourself together so I don’t break down. But mother you don’t have to worry about me. You don’t have to keep your pain to yourself. Let it out mother. I understand you. Mother I have my own pain to deal with but your pain seems even heavier. Mother, let me carry a little bit of your pain so it’s not too heavy for you. Mother, give me your pain so I can turn it into love and give it back to you. Mother I love you, but I’ll never be able to love you like grandma did. Not that I don’t want to but because grandma loved everyone in a way no one else ever could. I’m an ordinary person and grandma was everything but ordinary.

We miss you grandma.

♡ ♡ ♡ Albesa

Remembering grandma

[1:14 AM / Saturday / June 22, 2019]

I’m usually afraid of the idea that I’m wasting my time so I try to make the most out of it by doing things I love, but these days I want time to pass as fast as possible. These days, I don’t  want to do anything else besides get used to the pain. But how do I do that? It’s only been a week. I lost my wonderful grandma. The person I felt most connected to, most loved by is gone whether I want to believe it or not. I’ve seen it with my own eyes how they buried her. I’ve seen it with my own eyes how they threw cold mud at her. And I stood there completely shocked and speechless refusing to believe that I was saying my final goodbye to her. My grandma, who was so loving, so kind, and so pure, is now someone I’ll only keep alive in my memories and my heart. My grandma is now someone who I’ll have to talk to without expecting a response. From now on, I can only guess what she would say to me if she was still here. From now on, I’ll only be able to remininsce her words when I’d call her and tell her about my ‘rough day’. She always knew what to say. She always made sense to me. She had a soft voice and a beautiful mind, her words just sounded promising. I’ve been preparing myself for this for two months now, so I asked a dear friend of mine who is familiar with pain: ‘does it ever get less painful?’ He replied: ‘it doesn’t get less painful, you get used to the pain and the fact that that person is gone.’ But you can never prepare yourself for something like this. You can never get used to it before it happens. You can only imagine it. And you’re lucky if you can only imagine it because when it really happens, there’s no going back. I’ve seen it in movies, I’ve heard about it from other people but only now am I obligated to understand what death really means. And as of now, I’m not able to understand it yet. But according to my friend’s words, I guess I will as time passes by. I’ll hold on to that theory and hope for the best. I’ll love you forever and ever and ever. And I’ll love you more and more and more as I grow older. Only growing and learning about the world and life itself, will I be able to love you how you always deserved. I have a lot to learn and a lot of love to give to you, even though you will never respond to it again.

Faleminderit per cdo kujtim te bukur qe ma fale gjyshja jem e dashur. T’kisha mujt me kthy pak kohen e me ardh n’Kosove pak ma shpesh, me beso e kisha kthy. Shpresoj qe e din sa shume dashni kom pas per ty, shpresoj qe cdo her kur t’kom than ‘gjyshe t’du shume’ e ke ni me zemer, jo veq me veshet. Me mungon dhe do t’me mungosh gjithmone. Krejt cka ti je kon, une do e mbaj gjall permes vetit.

♡ ♡ ♡ Albesa

Grandma

[11:02 PM / Monday / June 17, 2019]

What a day it has been. A day I knew was about to come but never knew how painful it could be. A day so long I feel like it has lasted a thousand years. Grandma is gone. My wonderful grandma is gone. This level of pain is paralyzing. I’m speechless. I can’t believe. I still can’t believe. I don’t know which words to use because nothing comes close to how I’m feeling right now. I try not to fall apart but the more I try the more I fail. I’m devastated. I’m heartbroken. I’ve been waiting for this ever since she got hospitalized two months ago. I didn’t want her to suffer so I thought of death as a good option for her. But there is no coming back from death. There is no coming back once your heart stops beating. I’m speechless, shocked, scared, broken…She meant so much to me. She meant the absolute world to me. An entire world in one person. She was so loving, so kind, so soft, so wonderful. She was so pure. She was amazing. And I, I’m trying to remember the words she would say to me when I’d call her and tell her that I’m sad. She had a wonderful voice, a wonderful mind that would calm down the storm inside my head. Who am I going to call now? Who is ever gonna love me so much? Who am I ever gonna love so much? I miss her so much already and I just said the final goodbye to her. I’m at her house here in Kosovo. The house seems empty without her. There are so many people around me but the only thing I notice is her absence. I live in Croatia so I grew up being excited about summer and my trip to Kosovo because I knew someone was waiting for me here. Someone was waiting for me with a lot of excitment. Who is gonna wait for me now? The cold walls of my empty house? I hope time helps me heal. I hope time takes away some of the heavy weight from my chest. I don’t know what to say. I hope my wonderful grandma knows I’ll never forget about her. I hope my wonderful grandma knows how much I loved her. I hope she knows how much she has helped by just being my grandma. I will always remember you, I will include bits of you in everything I’ll do in life. I don’t know what to say anymore. I know you wouldn’t want me to be sad but this time, I will not be able to listen to you because this time, I have no one who’s words sound promising. I miss you so much already. I love you so much and I’ll love you more and more and more as I grow older. Thank you for my wonderful mother and all these cute cousins. Thank you for loving me so much and thank you for giving me the chance to love you back. I hope you never give up on me. I’ll be counting on your help from above.

♡ Albesa

Sadness and promises

[5:06 AM / Monday / May 6, 2019. ]

It’s been a month since my grandma got hospitalized and I’ve felt lost and confused ever since then. I’ve been thinking way too much. I know I haven’t been trying my best with anything in life. I haven’t cooked a single healthy meal, I haven’t taken a single walk, my sugar intake has been crazy high, I haven’t drank enough water and I haven’t read a single page of any book. I haven’t slept properly in a month, I feel tired emotionally and physically. I’ve treated myself poorly and I’m aware of it. When one thing hurts me, I lose myself completely, which is what’s going on now. I must learn to function on days like these.  My grandma, who means the world to me, is sick. These days are probably her last days and I’m away from her. I can’t see her or talk to her or hug her and let her know how much I love her. I’m devastated and heartbroken. And I’m even more devastated when I see my mom crying. It’s been a hard time for the entire family. No one is doing good at the moment. Negative energy has taken over our home. Instead of being more supportive and patient on these hard days, we’re being more distant and rude to each other, which is way more intense than how we usually are. I want to fix the situation but no one seems to care that much so I’m just gonna keep going. Everybody in this house is old enough to take responsibility for their words and actions, I don’t feel like calling out anybody. I’m really tired. It’s my first day at work today and it starts in a few hours. I haven’t slept at all and since the time to get up has almost come, I can start preparing myself for that ‘drunk and sad’ effect that usually comes along with a sleepless night. It’s okay, I’ll sleep better in a few days. Things will calm down. I will learn to find myself on days like these. I don’t want to cause myself even more sadness by treating myself poorly. I will focus on the food I eat, the words I say, and I will try to reduce the amount of scary thoughts my brain produces every second. It’s gonna be fine. I’m looking forward to getting back to the usual productive routine. Only then do I feel like my true self. 

Grandma, you always tell me not to pay attention to negative things in life and I promise I’ll try not to; not this much. You’re in my thoughts day and night. You inspire me to be better and take care of myself. I promise I will. 

I love you with my whole entire heart. 

Albesa 

Too much going on? (part two)

[11:28 PM / Friday / April 26, 2019]

A few days ago, I wrote a story about stuff that’s been going on lately. More and more stuff was coming to my mind as I was finishing that story so I thought I’d write a second part, and this is it. Part two, let’s do this! Okay, let’s start with some positive news. In one of my stories, I mentioned an e-mail that I was expecting and how it could change my life. It was a life-changing job opportunity which I didn’ get. Well, today I got an e-mail about a job that I did get! It’s not as life-changing but at least I’ll be productive, gain new experience and earn my own money; I’m not complaining. Sadly, that’s about it with the positive stuff. I’m still under a lot of pressure. My parents have been under a lot of pressure lately and they just pass it on me and my siblings, which really sucks. I can’t seem to find a healthy way to communicate with them; everything has been turning into an argument these days which is so, so tiring.  I’ve been experiencing terrible anxiety in the last couple of days which is why I’ve been struggling to sleep properly. I think about my parents, our family business, my college education, where I want to go, what I wanna do and stuff like that. I think about myself and how I’m very toxic with myself (and others) sometimes. I must accept my life more. I’m not in peace with a lot of things. I’m not in peace with how I treat myself sometimes, how I’ve been treated by others, how my family has been treated, I’m not in peace with my life in Croatia, I’m not in peace with my ‘failures’ that came with my depression and anxiety. I think about those things way more than I should and that’s exactly what makes me toxic. I’ve learned a lot from everything that I’ve written above, I am who I am because of some things I had to go through but I still get angry/sad. I’m learning to accept stuff and turn it into something positive. I’m learning to outgrow things that hurt me. I’m not there yet but I believe I’ll get there soon. What I’ve learned so far is how to rely on patience. I’m extremely patient even when I get angry so that’s a plus. I guess there are more pluses out there, I’ll figure it out. On the other side, good side, what gives me peace and courage to keep going is knowing that I’m willing to work on everything that still makes me sad. I’m willing to improve the quality of my life. I might visit my therapist again, not because I’m depressed again, but because I need to talk to someone. My friends are all going through some difficult stuff at the moment so I don’t really get to talk about my stuff that much. But it’s fine because sometimes I don’t even know what’s going on. Sometimes I don’t know how to express myself when I’m talking to other people; I find it much harder than writing like this. That’s pretty much it. I’ll try to calm down and freak out a little less so I can make decisions and have fewer question marks in my head. It’s gonna be fine. 

We got this.

♡ Albesa

 

 

 

 

It’s just life sometimes, you know? (a random attack of mixed emotions)

[1:55 AM, Friday, January 11, 2019.]

What an exciting first post of the year, yay, yay, yay! I’m writing this with tears in my eyes and a thousand emotions in my heart. The last couple of days have been challenging and what can your girl do besides stay up all night, overthink, write and cry, hehe? All jokes aside, I’m doing good, it’s just life sometimes, you know? I’ve always been the kind of person who wants to protect everyone from everything and it really breaks my heart when people who I love and admire suffer for one reason or another. I know, it’s life, not feeling well sometimes is so normal and absolutely inevitable but oh man I just really wish I didn’t have to be like that. These couple of days have been challenging because I’ve seen my mom cry and I’ve seen my dad’s bags under his eyes. I’ve felt it with my own body how tired they are. I love my parents so much. I once thought they were perfect, then I suffered because I realized they weren’t perfect and now, here I am not even wanting them to be perfect. Our dear parents are just human beings who get mad, get sad, yell for some irrelevant stuff because they’ve had enough for the day. They make mistakes, big ones, small ones. What I want to express today is that I’m not mad at my parents for anything. Have they ever hurt me? Yes, they did. Have they ever disappointed me? Yes, they did. Was it ever their intention to hurt their own child? Absolutely not. That’s the only thing that matters to me at this point in life. It’s such relief that I’m able to understand the background of a certain situation, not only the final product. My parents may not be as open-minded as I am, my parents may not think that my ideas are the best ideas ever but I’m so okay with it. I love them with my whole entire heart and nothing will ever be strong enough to change that. Moving on to another subject; I’m recovering from my leg surgery, the recovery requires a lot of patience and patience is painful sometimes. I’ve been laying in bed for almost a month now doing absolutely nothing except overdosing myself with the Internet. I’ve been wanting to finish this one book that I really like but what can I say, my just brain won’t cooperate. Another thing I really want to include here: make sure your happiness and good mood don’t depend on other people. Remember who you are, remember your value, and remember you’re not always the big loser who sucks. It’s not always you, sometimes it’s the other people who just can’t see certain stuff. That’s pretty much it. I wish you all health, love and light.

Oh, and yeah, don’t forget to tell your parents you love them (and everyone else)

Love, Albesa 

Good or bad? (only time will show)

[12:40 PM / Sunday / June 22, 2018]

I’ve been wanting to take some time, sit down and write for a few days now and I’m finally here thinking about all of the things I want to mention in this story. I want to talk about my journey so far. I’m talking about my health, my growth, my development and stuff like that. I’ve been writing about my journey ever since I started this blog (which I like to call journal because that’s basically what it is). I’ve written stories while I was feeling low, I’ve written stories while I was feeling much better and it shows nothing more and nothing less than the raw reality of dealing with emotional pain. There are some absolutely awful days when you feel like you’re dying, which is probably one of the most terrible feelings a human being can feel, and there are brighter days when you actually dare to imagine yourself living a happier life. There is this thing in the human brain that is called imagination. The thing with imagination is that it’s one of the biggest liars ever. Now, why am I saying this? Because the negative things we imagine in our head are mostly not true. Everything we spend the night thinking about is most likely not that big of a deal as it seems to be. We stress so much about things we’re not sure are even going to happen, we overthink about opinions of people who know nothing about us and in the end what we do is hurt ourselves because we take our imagination way too far, we take it deep inside of us and let it become a dark piece of our daily life. Let me tell you my college story one more time. I applied for college back in 2016. even though I knew I wasn’t mentally prepared for something like that because it requires a lot of effort, time and focus. Being an unhealthy person (depression, anxiety, sleep disorder, eating disorder…) it was impossible for me to dedicate my time and my energy to all of the studying I had to do. I went to college for a year, I passed a few exams and came to an end of the first year. When the final exams came, I knew that was the end of my college journey, I knew I couldn’t push it any further. I didn’t know how to tell my parents who knew nothing about my struggles. June 2017. was probably one of the darkest months I have ever lived through, my depression, my anxiety and my overthinking made me suffer to the point where I really wasn’t sure if I could make it to another day. I couldn’t study, I couldn’t read, I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t sleep. I would spend my days (nights)  watching movies because it would help me forget about my struggles for a little bit. The clock was ticking, exams were coming and I was getting worse. One night, I burst into tears and told my parents I had to leave college which was devastating for them way more than it was for me. I told them I tried because of them and I told them that I couldn’t push it any longer. Something I never thought I could do, something I spent nights and nights thinking about happened. I left college. Me telling my parents about it, me actually not going back to college, it was all way worse in my imagination. It felt terrible in reality, it wasn’t an easy thing to deal with but the image was so much worse, it caused me so much pain and it wasn’t even real. Here I am, one year later feeling one thousand percent better, feeling like a completely different person, much better and much healthier. And who would have known? Back in 2017. leaving college seemed like the most terrible thing that I never wanted to happen but one year later, when I see how much my life has changed, I’m thankful for that decision, I admire myself for leaving something that was causing me even more pain than I was already dealing with. The point of this story is that you never really know if something is good or bad. You just don’t. You don’t get that answer right away, you have to let time pass and show you what was meant for you and what was not. I got my answer one year later. Leaving college which back in the day felt like the most terrible thing ever is one of the best decisions I have ever made. I’m in a much better place now, not torturing myself, I’m much healthier and I feel better about life in general. While becoming healthier and trying to improve the quality of my life out of college, I got a job which helps me be financially stable, I regulated my sleep, I do what fulfills me almost every day and the best part of it is that I got the chance to rethink and realize that I actually want to study something else. I studied journalism which is great but I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. All the hardships that I went through made me realize that journalism wasn’t the best option for me otherwise I would have found a way to keep fighting, right? Life is unpredictable and things are never as bad as they seem. Try to look at things as if they were people. You can’t just look at someone and assume that that the person you’re looking at likes extra cheese on their pizza without even having talked to them, ever in your life. You don’t know that person, you don’t have experience with that person and it’s the same with things in life. You don’t know if something is good or bad, and just because you think a certain way it doesn’t mean they are really like that. The best way to get to know if something is good or bad is to try, see the result of your actions and see how it affects your life. I tried going to college, the result wasn’t good and it affected my life negatively. These are the three things that are enough for you to leave. Leave for the better, improve your life, create a new plan and follow it. While creating a new plan, make sure you know that plans are never easy and smooth so prepare yourself for some possible adjustment in the process. Remember that it’s easier to change the plan than to give up and keep being a miserable person. No change is as hard as going to sleep knowing you disappointed yourself as if you were your own biggest enemy. Think about what you want and go for it. Your life is a reflection of your mindset and your decisions. It’s never too late and it’s never as hard as we think it is, but in order to see that, the first thing to do is try. Always remember your vision and don’t get discouraged so easily. Don’t be ashamed to ask for help. Life can be so much different a year from now but it only becomes different if you make changes. The power is in your mindset and it’s you who has to realize that and finally start using it.

Leaving college is not the worst thing in the world. The idea of me leaving college caused me so many negative emotions because I come from a family who didn’t even get the chance to go to high school, let alone college. I thought my parents would think I was being ungrateful and lazy. I thought my parents would be disappointed and never get over it. I was feeling the pressure to keep going to college because my parents never got the chance to do it. But we are not our parents, and no matter how much we love them, we have to think about what we want because we are the ones who know our deepest selves and we are the ones who know what can make us truly happy. Your parents might get mad in the beginning but they will eventually get over it. When they see you doing what you love, they’re going to be happy even if they disagreed in the beginning. Do your thing and don’t worry, it’s not that bad! 

Love, Albesa

Growth, gratitude, and improvement

[2:09 PM / Sunday / June 17 2018]

Here I am once again, starting a story without really knowing what I’m gonna write. I’m not worried about it though, the stories that I write without planning them turn out being the most relieving ones. Anyway, let’s start. I don’t like the fact that I haven’t written in so long. Actually, I have written a bunch of stories but they’re kind of all over the place. I own way too many notebooks and each of them contains small bits of stories that I started writing in another notebook. I’ve been quite confused these days. I don’t really know how I feel anymore and I truly mean it when I say it. Things have not been getting better or worse, they’re kind of the same most of the time. I got used to my new, work life, routine and I like it because I finally feel like my life makes sense, at least a little bit. When it comes to work, I must mention that I’m doing pretty good however, I know I haven’t been trying my hardest. I’m not gonna start with excuses, I’m just gonna say that I’m gonna work harder and be even more content with my work. A month and a half have gone by since I started working and, oh boy, time goes so fast! I got my first ever salary which felt so strange because I felt like a real adult for the first time in my 20 years of life. Since I’m talking about work, let me mention that I told my manager about my anxiety problems. I had to do it because she asked me why I never ate in the kitchen where all of my colleagues eat. Her answer was the answer that I was expecting; ‘it’s all in your head.’ So many things were going through my mind at that moment. When I came home, one of the things I wrote down in my notebook was this one: ‘people tell me ‘it’s all in your head’ without realizing that that’s exactly the biggest problem people like me deal with. We suffer because it’s in our heads, it’s us who have to live with it day by day. It’s us who have to fight with it day by day. It’s me worrying about every little thing around me, it’s me that I’m afraid of what will happen tomorrow. If those thoughts about me were in someone else’s head, I wouldn’t spend a single minute worrying about it, trust me.’ I can’t remember if I’ve ever written anything more truthful than that. I don’t think I’ve ever agreed with myself more. I have realized one more time that people don’t understand the struggle that anxiety and depression bring, neither do I expect them to anymore. I remember describing it in a few words and it just never worked. My pain, my struggle and my fear, they were always belittled, which only ended up causing me even more negative emotions. I’m okay now, I really am. I’m aware of everything, I’m trying not to think about anything that makes me unhappy, I’m trying to improve the quality of my life. I have a few plans that make me happy just thinking about them so I’m gonna work on those. One of the best things you can do for yourself is keep yourself busy with the things that fulfill you so choose a few things you would like to do more and every time you have some extra time, do one of those things. Spend your time in peace, spend your time away from places/things that remind you of rough times, disappointments, a broken friendship or a broken relationship. Work hard on creating a new, healthier surrounding that will make you feel like a new person which has nothing to do with who you were or where you’ve been in the past. You have the right to start over anytime you want, you have the right to make changes and make the most out of your time while you’re still alive. You have the right to do the things that people disagree with as long as you know that the option you’re choosing is the best option for you. Cherish the things we usually take for granted, cherish your health, your family, friends, food, your roof over your head. Gratitude, compassion, and positivity are a way of life, it takes some time to learn to live like that but once you’re there, you’ll realize how simple some things can be if we don’t makeup things in our heads. Let people know how much they mean to you, be that one ‘annoying’ friend who keeps saying ‘I love you’ all the time. If that’s a part of you, don’t hide it. I tell my cousin/best friend I love her at least 5 times a week because I really do and when that thought comes into my head, I express it. Acting cold or emotionless is not really my thing neither do I think it’s cool or funny. Emotions are meant to be expressed otherwise you’ll kill yourself way before you’re really dead. Oh, yeah, let me end this story with some nice things. I feel like I’ve grown even more since I’ve started working. I acknowledge every little bit of my progress and it makes me extremely happy. I’m also continuing my therapy very soon which is absolutely awesome. I’ll be out of the dark room sooner than I know! My goal for this month is to keep this positive mindset and keep moving forward. That’s basically it, I don’t think I have anything left to say at the moment. I’ll definitely write more in the future, I’ll try at least once a week. We’ll see, no worries, no pressure. My dear people, I wish you a good time and a healthier life. Work hard on yourself, achieve what you want to achieve and stay humble. And to all the hardships, heartbreaks and disappointments, it’s time to say goodbye. We’re all leaving you behind.

We got this.

Love, Albesa

It’s all good (ups and downs)

[6:30 PM / Friday / March 16 2018]

To be completely honest, I lose my inspiration quite often, especially when I feel down  for more than three days in a row. There is a lot of inspiration in the pain some of us experience but sometimes I just don’t want to write about it. Sometimes I just don’t want to give it so much attention. Then again, I love that I feel much better when I express my feelings through my stories, without having to talk to anyone or without having to worry if I’ve been understood or not. Emotions are worth writing about, good or bad, especially when you’re not really good at expresing them verbally, like me. It’s fine though. I don’t really have much to say, I had some really bad days, I had some better days but all in all it’s good that I always find a way to deal with everything. I’ve been doing more of what I love, which I had left behind completely. I feel much better because of it and I hope I continue like this. My advice for people who are struggling mentally is to spend time doing what you love. If you don’t have a problem with concentrating, read a book, little by little and then write whatever you remember about it. It’s good for your brain and for your mind. If a book doesn’t work, watch movies or tv-series, the ones that seem like you can learn something from. My leg has been hurt for the past five months and I can’t walk properly right now. I’m forced to stay at home which made me feel very miserable because I usually go for a walk every time I feel low. I go out and take some photographs of whatever catches my eye. I can’t do that right now so I took my camera and started taking photos of random things in my house. There are a lot of things I never paid attention to before and I never realized that until now. It helped a lot because it made me feel like I actually did something in my day, besides overthinking and making myself feel even worse. I also watched a lot of turkish movies which I’m completely impressed by. I also read 30 pages of a really good book the other day. I managed to focus and remember quite a lot from those 30 pages which made me extremely happy because it means that I’ve made some progress considering the fact that I couldn’t focus a few months ago when I had to study for my college exams which is partially why I was obligated to drop out and work on my mental health. I told myself I was gonna try to read more often from now on even if it doesn’t turn out the way I expect it to. What else should I mention? Oh yes, I cooked today. For the first time in a week which is unlike me. I usually cook every day but feeling low I had zero wish for none of these things until I told myself I had to stop spending my time like this. I made myself realize that I wasn’t gonna feel better by laying in bed and keeping my mind nowhere but where it’s not supposed to be. My dear people, try to get up and do something. Something small, just so you have something good to remember about today’s day. Step by step, day by day. Life is good when we manage to focus on the right things. Pain is not forever. Your wish to die is not forever. Stay alive and give yourself a chance to experience the joy of life, the joy of having your life together. Your past is not gonna be your future if you don’t let it be. Remember that life is gonna keep being the same as long as we keep doing the same things over and over again. What didn’t work once or twice is not gonna work the third time so start changing the smallest things in your routine. It’s gonna have a very positive effect on your life. Sleep enough and don’t stay up late. Eat food that is good for you so it doesn’t affect your energy and self-confidence. It’s gonna be fine, just keep going and keep fighting.

We got this.

Love, Albesa

A result of a sleepless night 2

[2:30 AM / Saturday / February 25 2018]

I feel like I’ve been thrown to the wolves. I feel like I’m dying as time is passing by. I feel my spirit getting exhausted from all the heavy weight it has to deal with. I feel my heart pounding like crazy because I’m stuck in this unknown zone. I call it ‘unknown zone’ because at this point, I know nothing about my life. Absolutely nothing. I don’t know where I’m going and where I’m gonna end up. I have better days but I’m not getting better. I have faith in the good but I’m so afraid of the bad. I’m terrified. I try so hard to keep myself busy, I really do. I waste my time effortlessly scrolling through the nonsense on the Internet just so I don’t have to think about my misery. This is not me. I see myself in the mirror but this is not me. I’ve never been a person who gives up easily. I’ve never been a person who likes to sit at home and do nothing productive all day. I used to be obsessed with the things that fulfill me. Walking around with my camera used to be a routine of mine. I used to see beauty everywhere, even in the things I saw every day. It didn’t matter, they were never boring. I used to go for a walk everytime I felt myself getting hit by my anxiety and it helped me a lot. I still do that but not as often and as much as I need it. I find myself looking for stupid excuses for not doing something that could help me. ‘It’s cold outside.’ ‘I’m tired, I haven’t slept in 30 hours.’ ‘I’m gonna do something productive at home.’ Who am I lying to? Who am I trying to fool? I know I’m not doing my best, I’m really not. It’s not an excuse but I know why. I get discouraged so easily. And since it’s so easy, it happens a hundred times a day. And that’s a really bad thing. Things that happen on a daily basis, even the smallest ones, they break my heart and they take my willingness away. I’m constantly reminded of things I want to forget. I want to forget so many things, yet I feel them spreading poison inside my body. It’s not my fault. A lot of things happened over the last four and a half years and I lost myself trying to find a way to deal with them. I haven’t found a way to deal with my emotions other than sitting at home feeling completely heartbroken. I have not used my tragedies as motivation like a lot of people do. I didn’t know how to live with them so I, unintentionally, let them dictate my life. It brought me nowhere but these curvy roads of doubt, fear and disappointment. I see it now. I see that I should have thought more about myself and less about everybody else. I see that I shouldn’t have thought that I could protect everyone. I shouldn’t have thought that I can force myself to forgive people for letting me down so badly. I should have said it a long time ago, that I’m hurt and disappointed, but I haven’t because I didn’t want to make them feel bad about their actions. Does keeping my mouth shut means I’m supporting their actions that have hurt me? Does that mean that I’m as guilty as them? My dear people, I have said it before but I’m gonna say it again. I have learned so much about myself and other people while being at my lowest. People are not gonna treat you right just because you treat them right. Such a thing has become rare a long time ago. Don’t expect people to care about you the way you care about them. People are afraid of letting other people into their life and the best way to prevent that is acting cold. You’re gonna meet those kind of people and I can guarantee you, that’s the case in most of the times. People get hurt and traumatized. They develop many fears such as meeting new people and getting let down once again. Fear of getting more personal with someone because they might use it for wrong purpose. Trust issues, self-doubt, pesimism and many other serious disorders ocurr. I must make myself act deaf and blind sometimes. I must do that so that I don’t see things that break my heart. I only want to feel alive from now on because I’ve been feeling dead for a long time now and I don’t accept that version of me. I hate it. Hate doesn’t have a place in my heart, never has, never will. I want my heart to pound like crazy, but from happiness and positive excitement, not from anxiety and depression. I want to beat this dark and toxic version of myself so that, one day, I can help others do the same thing. I want to prove myself that life can be beautiful even after being broken. I want to be an example to people who suffer like me. I want to give them hope and support to become healthy and happy again. I’m gonna put in work in myself and then work on getting the possibility to help others. I’m gonna achieve everything that I dream of and non of this darkness will ever stop me. It might make my heart break, but my spirit, never. 

Sending light, positivity and support to everyone who needs it. 

We got this.

Love, Albesa

Late night emotions, thoughts and imagination

[1:00 AM / Thursday / February 15 2018]

Sometimes it gets extra hard. Sometimes you feel like you can’t deal with anything anymore. The moment you start feeling like your chest is burning in a fire with no mercy; write, cry, scream, do whatever, just let it out. Let that painful monster get out of your chest so you can sleep peacefully, even just for an hour or two. Sometimes I don’t even know who I am anymore, I don’t know if I know anyone I’m surrounded by, I don’t know anything. Sometimes I believe that I’m strong enough to challenge myself and see how I’m gonna survive and sometimes I just want to stay in this dark room forever. Actually, it’s not that I want to do that, it’s just what I know and what I’m apparently good at, considering the fact that I’ve spent here almost five years. My heart is broken, my mind is confused and my body doesn’t feel any better either. Every little thing hurts. Every single one. There’s so much damage in me. Is it my fault? Am I responsible for this? Will I feel better if I blame someone else for my pain? Will I ever go out and feel alive like I used to? Will I ever go out and not feel like I’m gonna have a heart attack? There are many questions but zero answers. Why am I even looking for answers? They won’t heal my broken heart anyway, they won’t make me forget about my dissapointments. You know, I talk to people and I laugh with them and I think about how happy I seem to be. I come home and I wonder; do people ever suspect that I’m not doing well? Not that it matters, it’s just something I think about sometimes. People are such good actors. People choose to get burned in their own fire of feelings rather than openly saying how they really feel. The fear of saying it out loud is incredibly strong because our expectations don’t always match the reality. The fear of not knowing what’s gonna happen next is terrifying and that’s why we accept this painful zone rather than all the hard work required for getting out it, which to a lot of people, often feels impossible. It’s not impossible, it’s really not. The walls we build around us are our biggest enemies, they’re not our protectors as we think they are. Those walls are stopping us from doing what we want to do. We have plans, we have ideas and visions when we close our eyes but once we open them, everything is gone. Why? Why do we choose to just stare at these walls instead of smashing them somehow? Why don’t we get along and help each other more? Why do we get laughed at for every little thing, even for having feelings? Sometimes I look at the world and all I see is a blank canvas. It’s sad because the world is super diverse you know, there are so many things to see, so many people to meet, so many songs to listen to yet non of that is done. What does the world want? What do I want from myself? Will I ever stop thinking about the world which I can’t control? Will I ever find peace and get out of the dark room? I’m afraid of not being able to hope anymore. I’m afraid of not being able to make my dreams my reality. I’m afraid of not being able to smash the walls I have built over the years thinking that they’re gonna protect me. We can’t hide. We can’t run away from life and what happens in it on a daily basis. The goal is to learn to control our emotions and live normally with them inside of us. The goal is to find peace and believe that you can have a nice life after all the pain you have experienced. Write, cry, scream, ask for help, do whatever it takes but never let yourself think that the walls you built are your forever. Your forever is so much brighter than the dark room with no windows. Your forever is what you see when you close your eyes and no matter how awful you might feel at the moment, you’re still gonna find a way to smash every wall that’s infront of you stopping you from walking away from all the misery. These walls are not you, this misery is not you, this pain is not you. You are what you love and what you accept. Do you accept this? Close your eyes and look at your happy self in your imagination. It feels good, right? Does it remind you of how strong you actually are? Keep your eyes closed and keep looking at your happy self while you passionately smash those walls and create a window which is gonna bring you light. Use that window as an exit from that dark room. Create a stage out of those bricks of pain and get up there. Take a bow, walk away, chase your dreams and live.

Open your eyes and do that. 

Love, Albesa

Becoming healthier

[10:10 PM / Thursday / January 25 2018]

I have chosen to change my life completely. I’m calmer than ever now that I understand that changing my life is entirely about me and my decisions. The things around me are gonna remain the same but it’s not about changing the things around me anyway, it’s about changing what I choose to focus on. I’ve been suffering from depression for four and a half years now and making changes after such a long period of time feels very scary. After all these years, I must say that I’ve learned to live with my pain, I’ve adapted my life to it and everything that’s not a part of it is terrifying. I’m afraid of trying something new, I’m afraid of the things I failed at in the past. I’m afraid of being disappointed in myself. I’m afraid of being defeated by my fears. I know that nothing is actually as bad as I think it is and to prove that to myself, I must break the ice of fear that’s stopping me from living my life. I want to start breaking that ice no matter what. I’ve had the idea that I’m wasting my life in my head for a long time now and I know I’ll have it until I make some changes. I don’t want to feel like I’m wasting my life and that’s why I’m trying to do everything that I can. The progress is slow but every small step is precious. I don’t want to feel guilty if getting out of bed is everything I feel like doing today, I’ve had days when I couldn’t do it because I just wanted to sleep my pain away. But I don’t want to do that anymore because that’s not the way to change my world. My world is not gonna change while I’m sleeping. It’s gonna be dark, unhappy and bitter until I do something to lighten it up. So I tell myself ”acknowledge your small steps and cherish them.” Small steps count too because they lead to big changes. Fear is a part of every journey but it should never be bigger and stronger than my wish to feel better. I’ve said this many times before; life will keep being the same as long as we keep doing the same things over and over again. Maybe the things I’m afraid of are the things that are life-changing. Every idea that is the opposite of every awful emotion that I feel on a daily basis is an idea worth turning into a plan. I tell myself ”follow your vision and your plan, focus on it and start doing it. It doesn’t matter if it’s 2 AM or 5 PM, make a change every time you feel that energy inside of you.” I must write down every positive thought that randomly comes into my mind. Today’s positive thought is valid and it’s encouraging. Today’s positive thought could keep me going tomorrow. Tomorrow’s positive thought could encourage me to try something that could change my depression-adapted routine. People rarely care about what I’ve been through or how much I’ve have struggled in the past. I want to give myself the support and applause I once expected from others. My goal is to learn to love myself and my life and to live in peace without having other people’s approval. ‘If you try hard enough you will succeed’; yes this is true but it’s only true when the situation is entirely about me. If other people are involved but not as interested as me, I want to learn when is the right time to stop trying. I have hurt myself way too much by trying to forgive, forget and find excuses for mistakes that were done by someone I truly loved. No matter how much I love someone, I know that distancing myself from those individuals is required when I know my goal is to be mentally healthier. While trying to make some progress, I must occupy myself with happy thoughts, occupy myself with things I love doing and overthinking about a broken trust is definitely not one of them. I must accept it, leave it somewhere behind and move on with my life. I must keep in mind that life is so much more than every negative emotion I deal with on a daily basis. I must carry that reminder with me everywhere I go. I must stay strong so that one day when I’m happy and content with my life, I can look back at everything I will have gone through and say that I’m there because I believed in my happy thoughts which became my reality.

I’m almost there.

Love, Albesa

You, your enviroment and making changes

[6:00 PM / Wednesday / January 17 2018]

We’re surrounded by so many people, so many things, so many options that we get lost trying to pick the best of everything. What is the best according to you? People surround themselves with so many other people. While trying to be in good terms with everyone, there’s a possibility you’ll end up having zero people you can call when you need someone to talk to. I’ve said this so many times but please be aware that no matter how nice you are, not everyone will like you. Be aware of the fact that you’ll never be able to please everyone. Write down people’s names and circle the ones who you can be truly honest with. Those are the ones who are worth it. Make sure you stay close only to those people who make you feel good. Make sure the people you’re surrounded by meet your standards of being a good friend. So, the best option according to me is to be friends with people who are there for you as much as you are there for them. Keep your circle small and appreciate the ones who never let you down. Make sure they know you’re thankful for them and that they can count on you anytime. If someone does something that damages your well-being, you have every right to distance yourself from them. Mental health and stability are priceless and no one has the right to take a piece of it from you. When it comes to money and material things, I try to save as much as possible and not spend my money on things I don’t need. For example: even though I don’t own a crazy lot of clothes, I still want to spend less money on it because I know I don’t need it as much as I buy it. I bought a lot of clothes in the past that ended up being worn only once or twice which is an unnecessary waste. I want to learn to manage my money better and not buy something just because I like it for a day or two. I’m teaching myself financial responsibility that way. I know I won’t always be able to afford something I will like and I don’t want to let that cause me negative emotions. I’m happy that I’m able to let it go and say ”It’s fine, I don’t need it anyway.” This proves that I don’t find satisfaction in material things more than I should which is a good sign. I’m learning every day. I’ve been appreciating time more than ever before because I spent so much of it not making any changes. I want to make a change every day now. A change that will help me feel better, live better and be a better person. It’s such a shame that we don’t see our possibilities and everything we’re capable of doing. It’s such a shame that we let our mindset us limits that in reality don’t even exist. It’s such a shame that we start to think we are what other people think of us. You’re doing good even when you think you’re wasting your time, you’re not to fat for that t-shirt, you’re not being lame when you’re being yourself. You’re so much more than your doubts. You’re so much more than an opinion of someone who doesn’t like you. People fail at different things many times but the key to success is not giving up. Fail, stand up, try again. Every failure is a lesson. Don’t judge yourself based on your past mistakes. Accept everything that happened and move on. The thing is that we change so much every day that we don’t even realize. We come to the point where we say ,,I’m not even that person anymore”, and it’s so true. You’re not your mistakes and everything you could have done better. I haven’t done big mistakes that haunt me but I do have some things I wish I could have done better. It’s fine I say. I can’t do anything about it, I can’t go back and change anything. What happened, happened. The point of your mistakes is to teach you things you’re not gonna do next time you find yourself in a simmilar situation. Pick the good things such as patience, tolerance, optimism out of everything bad. Those things are priceless. They can’t be given, they can’t be bought. They can only be found within you if you want to. If you can change something, do it. If you can’t, accept it and move on with your life. There are many things waiting for you to open your eyes while you’re sleeping and dreaming about changing something that can’t be changed.

I hope all of this makes some sense. Take care of yourself and the enviroment you’re in. We got this, my dear people. 

Love, Albesa

Who are you?

[2:24 AM / Friday / January 12 2018]

I’m not sure how this story is gonna turn out. I’m full of thoughts that I don’t know how to turn into words. I’ll try my best. Anyway, let’s start. I’m in that place in my life where all I want to do is work on myself and improve my life as much as possible. I’m in that place in my life where I no longer have space for negative energy, self-doubt and other ugly things that have dragged me down over the last four years. I don’t want to be on that same path anymore. I’m determined to grow as a person and learn about myself and the world as much as I possibly can. I’m working very hard on achieving stability, peace, harmony and confidence. I’m very happy about the fact that I’m so down for personal development and I’m even happier that I want to become the best version of myself for myself and not for someone else. It’s so imporant to work on accepting yourself the way you are and not feel pressured to be what other people expect you to be. I’ve been judged for my weight, my acne, my ears, my eyebrows and more. I have heard people commenting on my voice and the sound of my laughter which is honestly kind of crazy. Over the years, I became very self-conscious about everything written above. I started starving myself so I can be skinny as I was expected to be. I started to speak a little softer so that my voice wouldn’t sound raspy. I couldn’t recognize myself anymore. Everything I thought about was the fact that ‘I wasn’t enough’. Everyone around me seemed to be so much better than me. I spent so much time having ugly and poisonous thoughts in my mind and then I asked myself: Who are you?I had no answers to that question. All I knew about myself was that I was unhappy. I had to make some changes as soon as possible. I became so self-conscious and so anxious about everything. I couldn’t leave the house without having anxiety attacks. I isolated myself and so many things changed. I started to spend time with myself and the things I love doing. I occupied myself with my own little world. I didn’t feel the need to impress anyone in my own little world, that’s why it felt so good and peaceful. My little world accepted me the way I was, which I hadn’t had felt in a long time. Little by little, my mindset started to change. My voice is raspy and I accept it. My acne isn’t that bad at all. My ear is really not ugly. This is what my world told me and guess what? I started to bring my own little world with me everywhere I went. It feels strange because I’m still struggling but I’m working on it. I want to get rid of self-doubt completely. I want to be able to talk to people without having to worry about what they’re gonna think of me. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. It’s a work in progress. What I’ve noticed about myself is that I’ve come to the point where I feel like I know the person that I am. The girl I see in the mirror is not going to look back anymore because looking back makes her feel the same old pain over and over again. The girl I see in the mirror wants to move on and let go everything that’s been dragging her down. The girl I see in the mirror wants to live life peacefully, surrounded by people who appreciate her the way she appreciates them. I believe in improving myself and I want to do that every single day. Every single day is a new chance for learning something new about yourself and the world. Make the most out of your days. Appreciate your time. Work so hard on yourself until you’re no longer worried about the sound of your voice or the acne on your face. Work so hard on yourself until you no longer think that whatever you say sounds lame. Work so hard on yourself until you no longer feel the need to switch between three other versions of yourself depending on who you’re surrounded with. Work hard on yourself even after you’ve achieved what you wanted to achieve. You can never be too good or too smart or too nice. Be humble, be greatful, be nice to people, be nice to yourself. I hope all of you, my dear people,  including myself, make the most out of your life. I hope we all get to see that there’s so much more than pain, disappointments, doubt and sleepless nights. 

I ask myself; ‘Who are you?’ And guess what? I can’t choose between so many words I could say. Progress is precious.

Love, Albesa

A list of to-do things (kind of)

[11:37 PM / Monday / January 1 2018]

Another year of ups and downs is over. I thought about it a lot and it really was full of ups and downs, pretty much unstable to cut it short. I lost a lot of things and I gained a lot of things. Not too bad but not too good either. Out of every year I survived until now, this one was the hardest one for sure. I made it, I kept going, I’m alive and that’s why I’m saying; not too bad. I’d like to share with you a few things that I told myself I’m gonna work on more in the future. Let’s start with this one; avoid negative energy the way you avoid getting hit by a car. It doesn’t matter if you suffer from any kind of mental illness or not, take care of the enviroment you’re in. If something feels off and you can’t do anything about it, stay away from it for your own well-being. There’s a reason why it feels off and from my own experience, I believe a humans intuition is almost always the best thing to follow. I tell myself; believe in yourself more. The way people see you is not the way you are, it’s how they are. What people think of you and the things you do doesn’t define you at all. Some people will think you’re lame, some people will think you’re awesome. But that’s totally fine, we can’t be loved by everybody anyway. The sooner we understand that, the better. I tell myself: be nice to people. Always treat people the way you want to be treated. Choose your words carefully and try staying calm when you’re under control of negative emotions. I tell myself: don’t compare yourself to other people. Don’t let other people’s success cause you negative emotions such as jealousy and self-doubt. Try seeing it as motivation instead. Let it inspire you and help you with your journey. How much you work for it is how much you’ll get it. It depends on none else but you. Another thing I tell myself: be your own best friend and don’t screw yourself. I’m saying this because I’m that person who always tries so hard to make everyone happy even if it means I have to let myself down. That is so wrong and irresponsible. It’s wrong and irresponsible because I try so hard to take care of my own well-being and then I do something that damages it. I must stop with that. I must set some limits. My advice for everyone including myself: let things go. Broken friendships,  relationships, dissapointments… Give yourself some time to go through it but make sure you don’t lose yourself in all the darkness. Accept things the way they are and move on. This includes people as well. If something you had with someone didn’t work once, twice or three times, it’s your time to finally get into your head that you’re no longer compatible with that one person you thought was the one, as a friend or as a lover, it doesn’t really matter. You can’t change anyone but yourself. You can’t keep thinking that ‘it’s gonna be different this time’ when the person you have a problem with doesn’t even see the wrongs they do to you. To keep yourself stable, stay close to what you love. People, places, hobbies. Spend your time with people who make who make you feel good, people who you can learn something from and people who inspire you. Go to places that make you feel happy you’re alive. Go to places where your hearts tells you to go. Do the things you’re passionate about. Whatever you do, make sure you do it with love. The last important thing I have to say: make sure you’re aware that you still have so much to learn. About yourself, about your family, about your friends, about strangers, about the world. There are so many good things you’ll discover that are gonna help you become the best version of yourself. Keep working on yourself and your personal development. Once you’re there don’t forget to help others get there too. 

I wish you love and light, my dear people.

Love, Albesa 

Good things about bad things

[10:45 PM / Sunday / December 10 2017]

Writing has always had a therapeutic effect on me. Wherever/whenever I’m down, I find myself reaching for my notebook and writing it all out. Maybe my notebook can handle my feelings better than someone who loves me and doesn’t want me to feel like this. It’s always hard to tell someone I’m not there yet, or that my well-being is still shaky  and unstable. I feel like they don’t ask me about it as much thinking I will be better the next time they ask me about it, and hearing I’m still not there must be as hard for them as it’s for me while saying that. I hate when people worry about me; in one hand I’m thankful that someone cares about me the way I care about them but in the other hand, I know everyone is  already struggling with something and hearing about my struggles and battles while dealing with their own is never pleasing. I know I feel so helpless when that same thing happens to me. I realized a long time ago that there are no words that can describe some feelings. There are no words that can give someone a perception of my feelings, or maybe I just haven’t found them yet. By the way people react to my words, I can tell they don’t understand how I feel which is completely fine. I’ve written it before and I’m writing it again; people don’t really understand something they haven’t experienced by themselves. I don’t know if it has to do with capabilty or something else, it doesn’t even matter at this point. I kind of lost my point in this story but I think you’ll get what I’m trying to say. I’m truly thankful for the people who take the time to check on me every now and then, not because I remind them of struggles all the time but because they remember it themselves. Knowing that someone listents to you is a nice feeling whether they understand what you’re saying or not. Just taking the time to ask me how I’m doing is more than enough. My younger sister often tells me; ”you always know what to say, you’re the only person I can talk to like this”, I don’t feel like I always know what to say but regardless, I’m so happy my words can help someone even just a little bit. I’m happy I’ve learned so much from struggling and that the things I’ve learned can help someone else find their path. I’m also happy that I manage to find something good in all of these bad things I often feel. It’s been almost a year of me writing about my life like this. It has helped me so much in so many ways. It has helped me with my sleep which is very bad, my peace that I definitely need, and mostly my words and expression. I don’t know where I would be right know if I had to keep for myself everything I let out on here. This blog comes the closest to what’s on my mind, my heart and soul. I can’t believe how much it helped me in keeping myself together. The best part about it; I opened up about everything and nothing bad happened which is often not the case while opening up to people. By nothing bad I mean it never made anyone stressed, worried or disappointed which is a possibility when someone is listening to me in person. To everyone who listens to me; please don’t worry about me. I will make it to so many more sunshines as long as I’m willing to try again everytime there’s a storm inside of me. I will keep trying until there’s a big colorful rainbow around my heart.

Please be aware of the fact that whatever you’re going through is making you learn and grow. Try taking your battles as lessons that are teaching you a lot of good things such as patience, self-growth, tolerance, being more open-minded and being more mature than you ever thought you could be. Those qualities are very important for your future self and they are also very rare. Once you get there, you’ll look back and say; ”It was painful as hell, but I’m stronger than ever now. Thanks to everything I had to face, I became my own champion.”

Love, Albesa

A result of a sleepless night

[7:52 AM / Monday / November 27 2017]

I’m starting this post without really knowing how it’s gonna end. I just want to write something because my chest is starting to feel a little heavy. I haven’t slept all night, a little because of my messed up sleeping schedule, a little because of my anxiety that usually kicks in before I put my phone down right when I’m about to sleep. I’m getting better though, I’m excited about occupying myself with what is good for me. I’m not a professional when it comes to mental health, I don’t always have the right words to say to a person who is dealing with something hurtful. I’m not sure if I can always console another person and make them feel better about a certain situation. What I do know is that I understand people more than ever. Being depressed all my teenage years made me learn so much about humans, how it all works, why it works like that and, of course, how to stop it. I’ve watched so many videos, documentaries and tv shows, I’ve read so many articles and books trying to find answers to my question which was ”how do I get out of this”. How do I stop suffering so much, how do I stop letting every single thing hurt me. The thing is that over the years we create a certain image of everything and everyone around us. The image we have is what we believe is truthful and once we find out we’ve been fooled by our own selves and others, it’s a big thing to deal with because you pretty much feel like your entire life was a lie before you actually saw the truth. We all expect big things from ourselves which we may not achieve at the same exact time we want to. That exact thing happened to me. The image I had of some things were so perfect and once I got to see the truth it broke my heart into a million tiny pieces and four years later I’m still on that same boat picking up those tiny pieces of my broken heart. I’ve been disappointed, hurt, lied to, fooled, left behind. I was dealing with multiple eating disorders at the time when it all started. I had noticed becoming anxious because of the way I thought / saw about myself. To cut it short, I became an incredible mess. I couldn’t deal with myself and how I felt all the time. Years after, I’m here writing this post knowing that to this day, no matter how I’ve felt, I’ve survived 100% of those awful days. From the absolute worst ones, to those a little bit better ones and to these ones right now when I feel smarter than ever. More hopeful than ever and more mature than ever. It’s good to know that even though I’ve been depressed most of my time over the last four years, I still managed to get up and live through everything. Depression took a lot from me. I islolated myself which is why my ‘friends’ gave up on me (I’m actually thankful for this because, in my opinion, a person who is not there for you when you’re at your worst can’t be your friend), I failed my driving test so many times because I couldn’t focus and drive properly which made me question if I’m even capable of driving. I was forced to drop out of college because I couldn’t study for all of my exams, which was a huge disappointment for my parents who are the ones I love and cherish more than anyone else. I was forced to deal with the thought of being ‘stupid’ for a little while, until I got profesionally diagnosed with depresson and anxiety which explains why my concentration drops all of a sudden or why I can’t sleep when I need to sleep. Depression either makes you sleep too much or it either takes your sleep away which happened to me. No sleep, no concentration, no nothing. All you do is just overthink, worry and stress. How is a human being supposed to function like that? Study with zero concentration? Drive with zero concentraction? I’m actually thankful I haven’t gotten my license yet because to be fair, my depression could take over me any time which means concentration drop which could lead to a car accident and that’s definitely not how a mature person acts. If you know you’re not in a state for something, just don’t do it. Don’t risk things getting even worse than they already are. Stay patient and smart. I know it’s hard to deal with things, I know it’s hard to deal with your ‘failures’. Remind yourself that depression is not something you choose, which means that you didn’t choose to fail at anything. Remind yourself that you’ve gained so much from being hurt, you’ve proved yourself that at the end of the day, you can still close your eyes, take a few deep breaths and just remind yourself that you’re still alive. To me, that is a strong person. A person who keeps going, a person who keeps hoping and fighting for their progress in life no matter the fact that they’ve been broken for such a long time. I wish I could express how much love and hope I have for people who struggle to live normally yet they make it to another sunshine every single day. If you’re one of those people, let me tell you that I’m proud of you. Never stop working on yourself, never stop hoping and never think of yourself as ‘not good enough.’ You’re so much more than just enough. I’m not sure if there’s such a thing as perfect timing but if there is one, yours is about to come. Everything you thought you would never achieve will come to you, just stay patient and keep trying. Chin up, keep going. We got this.

My heart broke down into a million tiny pieces of pain, but I’m picking up pieces of hope now.

Love, Albesa

Romantic relationships mixed with personal issues

”You’re 20 years old and you’ve never had a boyfriend?!”; that’s how people usually react when I tell them I’ve never been in a relationship. I know most people my age have had plenty of relationships but that’s basically it. They had them but they don’t have them anymore. Big congratulations to those who made it, I’m very happy for them. Being young and wanting to fit in makes us do things we usually wouldn’t do and I think the same thing happens with having a boyfriend/girlfriend. A lot of young people (not only young people though) just want to have fun, experience different things they’ve never experienced before and just feel some kind of thrill I guess. Being raised in a conservative family, which I believe has had quite a big impact on me and my behavior, I’ve never felt the need to experiment with boys, girls, relationships and stuff like that. I’ve always known that by being in a relationship where there is no love, I would only disappoint myself by doing something I never thought was the right thing to do. I’m happy that I’ve always been aware of the fact that relationships established without love, trust, respect and equality are gonna end soon or later. Knowing that, saved me from hurting myself and someone else. I don’t think it’s fine to use someone else’s feelings for your own entertainment. Relationships are complicated and stressful when there’s no general connection between two people. I haven’t experienced it myself but I’ve seen so many people getting hurt because there was no communication and no connection in the relationship they were in. In my opinion, two people who are in a relationship must be comfortable with each other, be best friends with each other and feel the freedom to say how they feel or think. Breakups happen when people jump in it for the wrong reasons which are often these ones: loneliness, boredom, insecurities, pressure to do it because everyone else is doing it or pressure because they’re ”running out of time’… Some of those things are the things that an individual has to work on by themselves. Those are not the things that another person can make better for you. If you know you’re not in a really good place in your life, take the time to find something that’s not gonna make you feel bored when you’re alone. Take the time to work on what makes you insecure about yourself, take the time to learn how to be your own best friend when none else is around. It’s not easy but it’s definitely easier than expecting those things from someone else. None is gonna walk into your life and solve your personal issues. The other person probably has their own issues to deal with. When you feel complete with your own self, that’s when you know you can connect with someone else. The only time you’ll be yourself is when you’ve accepted yourself the way you are and you embrace yourself no matter what other people might think about you. So basically, before you rush into a relationship because you feel some kind of pressure, make sure you know that the consequences of your choices can lead to heartbreak, pain, disappointment, trust issues, and many other problems. Having personal issues, I don’t think you need even more issues to deal with. Be smart, there’s enough time for everything. Love will happen to you sooner or later, but I think it won’t happen until you’ve given love to yourself first.

Love, Albesa

You live for yourself, I live for myself

Yes, you live for yourself. Not for your mom, dad, sisters, brothers, friends or whoever comes to your mind. This is your life. It’s the only thing you can control as much as you want. I’ve always been the kind of person who likes to live their way. I don’t like rules. I don’t like to do things others want me to, such a thing makes me extremely anxious because there are things people want me to do that I don’t feel passionate about and doing things without love and passion has always resulted with failure. And I know it because I’ve been there and I’ve done that. I kept things to myself to keep others protected and it was a failure because it did so much damage to me. I felt fire caused by so many things burning inside of me, yet I had to act ice-cold so that people wouldn’t be worried about me. You know what? I don’t think I’m that ”protective” anymore. I look around and I don’t see a single person who does the same thing as me. I never do things expecting to get something in return but I don’t do things expecting to suffer either. I’m done. From now on, I want to make plans that are good and convenient for me without thinking about what others will think about it. That is not my problem. I don’t want to deal with that. I choose to free myself from that. It may sound selfish but, my dear people, we will never be able to please everyone. Never ever. There is no such a thing. What we are able to do is please ourselves. We must live the lives we want to, the lives that are results of our own decisions made with love and passion. My therapist once told me; ”Albesa, you’re acting like a superhero. You must never hurt yourself in order to keep someone else safe. That’s not the role you have in your life.” I thought about it a lot and yes, it’s true. I can’t save people from life and getting hurt. All of the things we go through are life. Sometimes they’re the consequences of our decisions, sometimes they’re not. What I’m trying to say is that we should make decisions that make us happy. Decisions that don’t bring hurtful consequences along. Decisions that give us hope, positive energy and something to look forward to. That’s the least we can do for ourselves. About what others do; we can have opinions but we can’t stop anyone from their decisions. The result of their decisions is going to hurt them more than anyone else but we can’t stop it, we can’t prevent it. We make decisions based on what we want and sometimes what we want is not the best for us but that’s not something we know while making a certain decision. If people knew something is going to hurt them, I don’t think they would do it. When people repeat their mistakes, when they keep doing things that hurt them in the past, they do it because they think that it’s gonna be ”different this time.” People will live, make decisions, make mistakes, get hurt, learn, keep going, be happy and more. I’ll figure it out, we’ll figure it out, they’ll figure it out. That’s why I choose to live for myself, I choose not to worry so much about what I can’t do. If my decisions hurt me, I accept it. I accept it as long as I know that I made those decisions thinking they were the best for me. If I did it thinking they for the best for someone else, then I choose to think that suffering is my punishment from the universefor not doing what I must to; taking care of myself and being my own priority. Stop thinking so much about others and give more love and attention to yourself. Care more about yourself. None else is going to do that for me. Or for you. That’s one of a kind thing that has to be done by ourselves and for ourselves. That’s our role in life.

You can do things for other people, of course you can. Just make sure they don’t make you unhappy. Make sure they don’t affect you in a negative way. Take care of yourself.

Love, Albesa

Wishing, hoping and fighting

I don’t ever want my rivers to stop flowing. I don’t ever want them to be lifeless. I want them to be as loud as a child screaming or as the alarm you set five times to make sure you wake up in time. I want my world to be a happy place, not a place where my pain sleeps. I have many wishes. All of them are related to peace, happiness, stability and health. That’s all I really want. Sometimes my wishes feel like something I’ll never have, something that is absolutely impossible. Sometimes my wishes feel like the wind that I can’t see but I can feel. I can’t see my wishes because I haven’t achieved them yet but I can feel them coming way. It’s strange and I don’t know if I’m making any sense. Everything feels strange today, every breath, every thought, every glass of water that I drink. Nothing that I write describes exactly how I feel. I’d say I feel like a mountain crashing down or like a volkano erupting, something like that. This journey is long and painful and I no longer feel the energy I used to feel. I no longer feel like I can keep up with my pain. Maybe it’s not about if I can or if I can’t, maybe it’s about the fact that I don’t want to. I don’t want to live in pain. I want to wake up not feeling the heavy weight on my chest. Who did this to me? Who is responsible for this? Could I have handled things better in the past? Was this really something I had to experience? There are so many questions in my head and honestly, I don’t even know why I’m looking for answers because I know I won’t find them. These questions won’t really solve anything so I better let them go, I better let them sleep somewhere in the back of my mind. I’m hopeful for the future. I’m hoping that someday soon, I’ll wake up in peace. I’m hoping that someday soon, my world will be a happy place like I want it to be. I’m hoping that someday soon, my days won’t be empty like today. I’m hoping while I’m fighting. I haven’t felt energetic in a long time but I know it’s somewhere inside of me. And I know it will come out when I’ll need it the most. Maybe it’s coming out every day but in small doses so that it can surprise me when I think there is non of it left. Let’s hope it’s that. My dear people, I hope I’ll have a story titled ‘I’m happy’ soon. Until then, try finding something good about my pain. For example, that it taught me patience and tolerance. Or the fact that I’m still here fighting for those good days. I’m not planning on giving up, that’s not one of my options. I hope it’s not yours either. 

Love, Albesa

Beauty?

What is beautiful? Who do you ask if someone/something is beautiful? Are other people the ones who dictate your beauty or do you listen to yourself? I’ve been thinking about this lately and I realized that people are so pressured to listen to others and their beauty standards. Listen to me, my dear people. I’m not an ‘important’ person’, people don’t know me and I’m not people’s role model. The world itself is diverse. There are so many beautiful creatures on earth. Different people, different animals, different plants, different everything. The world has no rules when it comes to beauty. You can’t set beauty standards for people who are completely different from you. Different people like different things, is that really that hard to understand? You set your own standards and that’s it. That’s where you stop. That is your only right. And you know why? Because it’s about you. And as long as it’s about you, it’s fine because you’re the one who decides how you’re gonna live your life. As I said, that’s when you’re done. What other people do, how they dress, how they do their makeup,  how they live their lives is none of my or your business. Who am I to tell someone else how to dress? Who are you to tell someone else how to dress? As diverese people that we are, we can’t expect everyone to like everything. No. That’s simply impossible and that’s why I’m so against beauty standards. Not everyone will like what I like. Not everyone will like the way I dress. But that’s fine. I’m fine with that as long as there is respect. I’m not asking anyone to like what I do and neither should you. The only person that should like how you live your life is you. That’s what matters the most. We should never judge people because of their clothes, makeup, hair color, financial status, race, religion, ethnicity, sex orientation…To cut it short, we should never judge each other. We should never make someone else feel bad because they live their lives the way they want to and not the way others want them to. The world is cruel enough the way it is but it’s still possible to make the world around ourselves a little bit nicer. We can’t change the entire world but we can change our worlds. Make sure the world you live in is full of positivity, happiness and joy. Make sure your world is yours and not someone else’s. Live your life however you want to, make yourself happy by doing things you want to do and don’t listen to people who don’t accept you for who you are. I support diveristy. Diversity is beauty. I support myself and everyone different from me in any aspect. What matters is having a beautiful heart, a beautiful mind and a beautiful soul. The rest of beautifuls is your choice and all I can do about it is respect it. The fear of judgment is prison for souls. Don’t judge people. Don’t make people afraid. Don’t prison others. Work on yourself, work on your happiness and do what you want to do. What others do is not your choice. If it’s not your choice, why bother? 

Love, Albesa

Positive thoughts: it’s time to move on

I’ve gone through all of my posts recently and while reading them one by one, I realized I had so many ups and downs. Some posts are full of motivation and some of them are full of misery. I’m not really surprised because my mental health has been a rollercoaster for a long time now. Sometimes it’s just fine, sometimes it’s energetic and sometimes it’s miserable and dark. I know it’s impossible to predict the future but if I could, I would definitely consider predicting my own. One of the main reasons is because I worry about everything. Things that happened a long time ago, things that are happening right now and things that I don’t even know are gonna happen. I worry about every little thing, it’s hardly controlable. Things just get to me and instantly make me sad which is why I’m not emotionally stable yet. I’ve been wondering why does it happen to me and when did it start. I do have an idea that partly explains it but I’m not sure. My world used to be a happy place, a very happy place. Out of all the ‘friends’ I ever had, I must say that I was the one who was always laughing, telling bad jokes that somehow ended up being funny and just carefree. That was my world. When I faced real struggles like eating disorders, family problems that were not money related, my world crashed down, I got lost and all of a sudden, I had a lot of things to worry about. I became anxious, depressed, lost my ‘friends’ and stopped being the outgoing and happy-all-the-time person. It’s fine though. I want to share with you, my dear people, that I’m learning every single day. Learning about peace, about harmony, about growth and so many other things that are good for me. I’ve always been an optimist and that’s one of the things that have never changed. I did lose hope, I did lose motivation but deep down I always knew it would get better which is, I guess, what kept me going on. From now on, I want to write about progress, happines, future plans… I don’t want to write about things that happened it the past anymore. I know I’m still gonna mention some things because they are a big part of my life but I feel like it’s time for me to move forward and not pay so much attention to things I can’t change. I don’t want to worry about it anymore, I want to accept the things that happened, I want to accept my mistakes, other peoples mistakes and move on. I want to get my happy world back but in a much wiser and mature version. That’s my goal. I’m happy that I’m motivated for progress. I’m happy that I’m not doubting myself getting better. I’m more than ever ready to dedicate all of my time and energy to my health and growth. The time I spent crying because of my depression taught me incredible patience but now it’s time to give my all to getting out of the darkness that I got lost in a few years ago. It’s time for some light that humans tend to leave turned off after the bulb breaks. You can carefully replace the broken bulb and then turn on the light again. You can take your broken pieces and make something amazing out of it. My dear people, with a lot of love and a lot of hope, I am saying it again- one step at a time, we got this!

Love, Albesa

It’s up to you

I’m aware that literally everything that I write is somehow related to depression. It’s imporant for me to mention that depression and anxiety have changed me a lot in so many ways and even though I’ve suffered a lot I know I’ve learned a lot as well which I’ve written before. While being at my lowest and while not knowing what to do to help myself feel better, I got lost in trying to get better by talking to other people instead of talking to myself. Only now when I started my recovery do I realize that it was always up to me and that I’ve always been the only person who could change my life for the better because it was me who had to make life-changing decisions. I’m very thankful for every single invidiual who talked to me while I was down. I’m very thankful for every single individual who wanted to help me. Now that I’ve made some big changes in my life such as leaving college in order to get better, I realize how imporant it is to listen to yourself and your needs. I thought I could make it at college while feeling low but it didn’t work. It pushed me backward more than I could push it forward. I never thought I could make a decision like that because leaving school was unacceptable for my parents who didn’t even know about my depression until two weeks ago when I told them about it in the middle of the night. It does feel awful to see their faces while telling them so many sad things but I had to do it sooner or later. I opened up to my mom and dad who I never thought could understand my problems. I’m sure they don’t understand it but at least I have their support to start my regular therapy which I had to do a long time ago. I’m sorry that college didn’t work but I know exactly why it happened. It’s fine, I’ll try again when I’m ready. I’m happy because I finally helped myself. Now that I helped myself, I realize that I can’t help someone else. I can support their journey but I can’t help them in a way a person can help themselves. I can’t help someone else by making decisions for them just like none could do that for me. I know a lot of us have bad habits that are hard to leave behind, a lot of things we think we’ll never get over but we will have to. Life will keep being the same as long as we keep doing the same things over and over again. It’s not enough to just hope for the better. It’s not enough to just wish for the better. The thing that is enough is fighting for it while hoping and wishing. Things can’t get better by themselves because you’re the one who controls them. You control if you’re gonna let something go or stick to it even though you know it’s not good for you. If you want to change your life, you can. I never thought this day would come but my dear people, based on my personal experience, I’m more than ever sure that action is the only way to success, not matter what it is. I can talk to you day and night, I can give you whatever you want but unless you do that for yourself, it’s not gonna work. If you know something is not good for you, don’t force it. Whatever it is, don’t force it. Rather it’s friendship, relationship, college, work or whatever, if you tried and pushed it and it didn’t work, you know it’s time to leave. Don’t expect life to change by itself. It’s your life and it’s a reflection of your actions and decisions. If you don’t like that reflection, just know that you can always change it for the better, any day, any time. It’s up to you, only you. 

Love, Albesa

I’m not where I want to be, I haven’t achieved what I want to achieve but I’ve made decisions that will improve my life. It gets better. One step at a time. If you’re struggling like me, be patient and positive, we got this.

Explaining yourself and getting over it

I wish my pain could go away as fast as these cars that are effortlessly passing by. I wish my pain could go away as fast as the colors of the traffic lights. I wish my feelings were like a glass of water, but a glass of feelings instead, so I could break it, get rid of it and forget it ever existed. I wish, I wish… It’s a cold rainy day but it’s beautiful. It feels good to go outside, breathe some fresh air and let your thoughts go wherever they need to. No wonder it’s so peaceful, it’s almost 2AM and I’m outside walking around getting my inspiration from this much needed peace. It’s been rough lately so being on my own and writing about it when there’s none around does nothing but good to me. The wind feels like a friend to me, it feels something like a friend’s hand touching your back while they are hugging you. Is that strange? Maybe. Today I realized what I’ve learned from being depressed and here are a couple of things that I wanted to share with you my dear people. First of all and one of the most important things to keep in mind is this one; don’t expect people to understand you or your depression. I realized a long time ago that people usually have a hard time understanding something they haven’t experienced themselves. The second thing that I must mention is this one; while going through the worst time of your life, you’re gonna explain yourself so many times, you’re gonna get exhausted so many times and the worst thing about it is that you’re not gonna gain anything from it. Absolutely anything. There will be times when you’ll be called ‘lazy’ or ‘party-breaker’ and honestly, you’re just gonna have to get over it because there’s nothing much you can do about how people ‘portray’ the consequences of your mental state. The third important thing; you’re eventually gonna stop explaining yourself. You’re just gonna stop. Your energy for those kind of things will come to an end. You’re gonna be exhausted and you’re not gonna want to waste the energy that’s left in you on worrying about what people think but on your recovery. I know it sounds weird, but if you’ve experienced this, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about and if you haven’t yet, wait for it, it’s gonna happen sooner or later. The fourth thing; learn to stay patient, keep trying and be aware that better days are coming sooner than you think. We got this.

Love, Albesa

Midnight walks and thoughts

I feel like I’ve lost everything, even though I haven’t. Walking down the streets I’ve always walked doesn’t feel the same anymore. These streets give me an unknown feeling and maybe it’s because I’m not how I used to be. The night hurts. The nights are full of thoughts that I try so hard to stay away from yet I feel closer to them every single day. I have thought about the ways to feel better, ways to feel good again but no matter what I thought, it never sounded like a good idea. Things that I thought would help me, helped me for a second and they became black and white, just like a lot of other things in my life. Depression is something that takes away so much from you and the worst thing about is that you don’t even notice. Every day feels empty and the things that you usually enjoy sometimes don’t even have an impact. It’s been four years. Four long years of feeling like I’ve lost myself. Four long years of not knowing what to do with myself. I’m tired, extremely tired. I have learned a lot of things from this but I have also lost a lot. I lost sunrises full of positivity because I wanted to sleep my pain away. I’ve lost so much energy trying to escape from what has been haunting me. I’ve lost faith in what I believed was stable and real. I’ve lost but I’m still breathing. The night hurts and days feel empty but I’ve kept going no matter what. Is that what I gained? Did I gain energy from getting tired? Is there any explanation for what is happening to me? I’ve lost so much but maybe I’m still breathing because I need to discover that I’ve gained much more than I’ve lost. Maybe. 

Love, Albesa

Maybe you can help me (even just a little)

Sometimes it gets very hard. By very hard I mean feeling low to the point where you start questioning the strength that’s left in you. Writing about everything that’s in my heart makes me realize that there are so many things that make me unhappy and it’s just really sad when you keep writing about your emotions and most of them are negative. What do I do, my dear people? At this moment, I’m more lost than I’ve ever been. Here’s a little story. I’ve always wanted to be a good student, achieve something big and make my parents proud. I applied for college, got in and attended classes knowing that  I had mental health issues. You know what happened? It only got worse. I became even more depressed and even more anxious because I couldn’t focus and study. My parents kept asking me how it was going and each time it felt worse than the time before. I had to go to a place where I would be surrounded by hundereds of people and for an anxious person like me, it feels like hell. I knew I wasn’t ready for something that takes so much from a person but I rushed into it hoping I could make it somehow. The results are here. I feel like I have heavy weights on my back that none can take off me. I’m more depressed than ever and more miserable than ever. I’m trying to figure it out somehow, trying to make myself study and pass my exams but my dear people, I hope at least one of you, will be able to understand what’s it like to be a living mess, a person who struggles to calm their heartbeat that goes crazy because of anxiety caused by so many things at once. I don’t know what to do. I’m torn between dropping out of college so I can focus on my mental health and keep living like this so I don’t have to deal with my parents and them being disappointed in me. I’ve never wanted to disappoint anyone, especially not my parents who have given me so many possibilities. I’ve never wanted to make my parents think that I’m ungreatful. I hope I can figure things out somehow because living like this is exhausting and I’m running out of fuel…What would you do?

Love, Albesa

p.s. any advice will be appreciated. 

Memories, struggles and making peace

Thirty days of vacation are over. It’s time to go back to real life which is in my case toxic and full of struggles. It gets better, it’s fine. About my vacation in my homecountry Kosovo, all I have to say is that there have been moments I’ll never forget. From basic walks around the village to amazing concerts full of positive energy. Lifetime memores have been made, I’m happy. There have also been moments when I couldn’t help myself with my sadness, not that something extremely sad happened there, it’s just the fact that no matter where you go, your struggles will follow you, that’s exactly what happened to me. I went to Kosovo to relax and give my mind a break away from my everday life in Croatia but I don’t feel like I got any of that. I must admit that I got tired trying to escape from everything. As I said before, wherever you go, your feelings will come along and that’s the worst thing ever because you hope, that somewhere away where things are different from what you see every day, you will feel better and hopeful. You do feel better but it doesn’t last. Your mind gets ”fooled” by the things you don’t see every day but once it becomes natural, you’re back to your everyday state. Maybe it’s just me. Anyway, now that my vacation is over, it’s time to face the struggles and make peace with them somehow. I hope the things that make me happy bring me strength and energy to keep going until it gets better. I believe in progress in every single aspect. Nothing can ever limit us more than our own mind. What we need to do is believe in whatever we want to achieve, whether it’s overcoming depression or getting two college degrees at once. The power of our beliefs is so much more powerful than our doubts, once you believe you can achieve something you want, you’ll feel unstoppable. I haven’t experienced that feeling yet but I’ve talked to some amazingly inspiring people who truly made me believe that a positive mindset is the key that opens every door. Those kind of people are the only ones you need in your life. Keep your circle small, work hard, stay lowkey, be nice, be careful and stay humble. The rest will come, sooner or later. 

All my love, Albesa

Explaining myself

There’s this one song called ‘Perfect’ by a band called Sum 41 which is hands down one of my favorite songs ever. I feel like I’m so under pressure to be good and kind all the time that I almost made myself believe that I’m too careful for making mistakes, even the smallest ones. I know, it’s ridiculous, but I think I really almost made myself believe that I’m not gonna make mistakes anymore. What I want to explain to myself is that being kind and good doesn’t prevent making mistakes because they happen spontaneously and you don’t really plan making them. It’s hard to define the word mistake because sometimes what we do makes so much sense in our head that we don’t see anything wrong with it or how someone else could react to it. As a person who is always willing to learn and grow, I’m learning to think about every person involved in my actions and think about if my actions make sense to them at least a little. Of course, not everything we do will make sense to other people, that’s not even neccessary, but if other people are involved in something we’re doing, we might as well make sure they don’t get hurt or something. See, I’m constantly worried if people will understand me or not, if people will know what exactly I want to say or not. I wish I could understand that that’s literally impossible because we understand things based on how we are and what we know, not how others are which explains why we’ll never be able to please everyone. These days I feel tired of trying to make sense to everyone because no matter what I do, there’s always going to be someone who’s not completely fine with it. Knowing that I’ve disappointed people is a very sad fact that really gets to me even though disappointing people I care about was never my intention. It’s not about caring more or less about someone/something, it’s doing what you think it’s the right thing to do even though you know you won’t please everyone with your actions. Sometimes the things you do for something really great don’t make sense but I think they’re hard to understand because they’re personal and personal things are hard to understand unless you’ve experienced something simmilar yourself. My dear people, make your life a lot more easier, quit expecting people to understand you. You understanding yourself is more important.  I’ve been thinking about the point of life in general but no matter how much I think about it, I don’t think I’ll ever know the answer to that question. I guess we should just keep living no matter what. Life is more than sadness and disappointments. They say those things make us stronger, can I believe it?

Love, Albesa

Where have I been?

It’s been such a long time since I last wrote anything. I don’t really know why I didn’t take out my notebook and start writing whatever was on my mind because I know I felt like writing quite a lot while experiencing some of the most terrible emptiness I have ever experienced. I distanced myself from everyone and everything for some reason. I stress a lot and it’s not something I’m proud of but I’m slowly learning to accept the fact that even though things don’t go as planned, it doesn’t mean that they’re gonna go wrong. Nothing we stress about is actually that bad, the power of our imagination is just playing with us and I think it happens because we’re used to allowing it. It’s fine though. At this very moment, I’m sitting in my livingroom in my homecountry Kosovo. I feel hopeful for the first time in such a long time. I almost forgot how it felt which is really sad. I’m happy for now but I’m also afraid. I’m afraid of going back to Croatia where the atmosphere is nothing but toxic. I have mentioned before that I don’t like my life in Croatia and that it has never felt like home to me. It’s so hard to leave Kosovo whenever I’m here because it’s the only place where I’m relaxed and happy. It’s hard to explain it and it sounds crazy but it’s almost like I’m not the same person here in Kosovo and in Croatia where I live. Life is so much different here and there, just hearing people speaking my mother language makes me extremely happy.  This story doesn’t really have a point or something I’m putting my focus on, it’s just a short summary of where I’ve been this past month. I’m happy and enjoying my time here in Kosovo. Where hope is never dead and where smiles never end. That’s exactly what I need.

Until next time,

Love, Albesa