Tuesday / November 5, 2019
I’ve been wanting to sit down and write for days and days now. So many feelings have been combined, so many emotions, I just don’t know what to write, what to say, how to compose a story and make it make sense. But you can’t wait until it makes sense; who knows if it ever will? It’s been a month since college started. I’m very content with it, the energy around me is good and I feel okay when I’m there. My classes don’t take my entire day so I’m really happy that I have enough time for the other things I love doing. On the other hand, my lack of motivation, willingness, and energy has become concerning. I haven’t studied at all. I haven’t slept properly in more than a month; to say that I’m exhausted is an understatement. I know I’m anxious, sad, stressed and still very numb from my grandma’s death but how come I still have enough energy to stand on my feet; I’m truly surprised. I visited the doctor yesterday and I’ve been told I’ll have to do some brain scans to find out where the problem is. I hope everything is okay and that I’ll be able to sleep well and function normally as soon as possible. This past month has also been strange for another reason. I’ve been experiencing something I’ve never experienced before and it’s just, I don’t know, strange (to say the least)!!! Things I never thought could happen, things I never expected to happen are happening. I don’t wanna talk about it too much, we’ll see what happens; I’ll definitely write about it again sometime soon and reveal more about it. I celebrated my 22nd birthday a few days ago. I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned but I really don’t like it when it’s my birthday. Some intense nostalgia occurs and I feel lost. It must be because I had a very good childhood and things are nothing like that now. Everything, literally everything has changed and I can’t help but miss those carefree days sometimes. Days when I didn’t know the painful truth, days when I hadn’t lost anyone, days when I thought a lot of people had my back. Those days are gone but I’m still here. And right now right here, where I am now, I must push myself harder than ever and survive, like I always have. There is no going back to ‘the good old days’, the only possibility I have is to take care of the days that are about to come and make them somewhat beautiful. I think I’ll be traveling to Kosovo on Friday. I feel the heavy weight on my chest caused by the struggle to accept grandma’s death. I need to talk to her. I need to survive not getting a response. Because that’s the truth, and I always want to know the truth, no matter how painful it is. I can take it, I don’t really have an option, do I?
Life is full of ups and downs. Give yourself a break, things will get better.
We got this.