Saturday / June 6, 2020
It’s been quite some time since I’ve last sat down, just me and my laptop, and wrote until I no longer had anything to say. I’ve been so anxious, stressed, and overwhelmed the last couple of weeks, to the point where I couldn’t make myself do anything. I think I didn’t care about anything, I just wanted to sleep until it’s all over. I only cared enough to write about my grandma. Exams are coming, it’s almost been a year since my grandma passed away and it just gets too much sometimes. I’m feeling so many emotions right now, all at once. Based on my past experiences, exams make my fear of failure come to life, my anxiety level increases by 1000% and it just makes me worry all day every day. The thought of failing and not making it to year two of uni as I planned is just very terrifying and disappointing. I don’t want that to happen, I really don’t. I must explain to myself that even if things don’t go as planned, I’m still gonna find a way to keep going. Even if things don’t go as planned, it’s still not over. I also have to learn to worry about something when it’s real, not when it’s only made up in my head. I haven’t failed yet (and I hope I won’t), therefore why torture myself so much thinking about it? But that’s exactly what anxiety does to you, you’re scared of things that haven’t happened, but could happen, but at the same time, there’s no proof that they are gonna happen. What a terrible thing to live with. Writing helps, taking walks helps, meditating helps, taking a break to just breathe helps and imagining positive outcomes helps. So I try to do that as well. Sometimes my optimistic self and anxious self get confused. Most of the time, I don’t know what’s going on either. All I know is that when it comes, it takes over me in an instant. Instead of trying to run away from it by distracting myself with something else, I just have to breathe and let it do its thing for a couple minutes. I have to learn to do this always, not just sometimes. Fighting anxiety back by trying to ignore it or run away from it only makes things even worse. I think I’m feeling like this because that’s exactly what I’ve mostly been doing these last couple of weeks. I tried running away from my uncomfortable thoughts by listening to music, watching movies, scrolling Instagram, the list goes on and on. It only got worse. Now that I’m writing about it and acknowledging it all, it feels slightly easier to exist. I need to set reminders on my phone or something, to remind me to process my thoughts and emotions, even the most uncomfortable ones that I can’t stand, like these ones going through my mind at this exact moment. My grandma’s death, well, what can I even say about it? It’s almost been a year, the crisis that comes with missing someone so much is very, very painful. And there’s nothing to do about it. For the first time in my life, I’m aware that I can’t just do something about it. There’s nothing to do. There’s no coming back from death. There’s no going back to that one last hug you never knew would be the last one. There’s no going back to that one last goodbye before I left her house. I can only remember our moments and conversations and be thankful that I have something to hold on to. It’s hard, extremely hard. My grandma has always believed in me and that really keeps me going through these difficult times. I take that fact as reassurance that everything is gonna turn out okay and that I’ll be fine. I’m glad I’m here writing this story because it’s such an important part of this year, one I’ll never forget. I’m going through something very complex because it’s a lot of things all at once, things that typically have nothing to do with each other – exams and grandma. I must also mention that I feel like I’ve grown and learned so much lately. I’m getting more and more comfortable with who I am as a person, sharing my opinions and thoughts, and not getting approval. My eating habits have improved drastically. I don’t cope with emotions using food anymore which gives food a whole different meaning and purpose for me. I’m not stressed when I eat anymore, nor do I stress about what I eat as much anymore. I’ve been practicing listening to my body and so far, it’s been going really well. What else do I have to write about? Okay, there is a little something, but let’s give it time before it makes it to my journal. I don’t have to write about every little thing that happens, right? (well I actually do though, sorry not sorry). Anyway, I think that’s about it for today. I can’t wait to write an update on this one.
These challenges that I’m going through, if nothing else, make my story more interesting.
Til next time,
ps: this is a little thank you to everyone who’s been there for me through these difficult times. You know who you are.