Friday / May 8, 2020
Sleepless nights / early mornings are such great timing for planning how you’re gonna get your sh*t together when you wake up later in the late afternoon. Haha, lol. You fall asleep excited to wake up and start the new life that you planned in your head. For a few seconds, you feel like that life is real and it’s really yours. So you fall asleep and you wake up. And suddenly, imagination and excitement are gone. These days, the early morning energy is not there when I wake up. I’ve been waking up tired, exhausted. I’ve been waking up disappointed that my sleep is over and that I have to stay awake and live the next hours with so many things hurting me. This is how a depression relapse looks like. ‘It’s fine’ I say to myself, ‘this too will pass soon’. It will, for sure, I’ve been there before, but it’s so extreme when it’s present; it surprises me every time. It’s so intense and so heavy, it leaves you feeling lifeless even if you’re usually full of life. I like to think of myself as someone who is full of life. It’s been years since I’ve actually felt like that but yeah, I don’t know where I stand with that anymore. I like many things and all of those things bring me so much joy. I like discovering and learning new things all the time. But at the moment, seems like I’m just not able to feel any joy. And I don’t blame myself for that since I never really got the chance to heal properly. I try very hard, I try to communicate with myself as much as possible and really respect what I need. I have come a long, long way but my healing gets interrupted. I don’t know if it’s possible to heal in the same place where it all started. I’ve been trying to figure that out for years now and it hasn’t worked yet. I end up in the dark room again and again. The place that made you sick is still that same old place and from time to time, it all gets too much all over again. I might need some new ideas. I might need to do something just a tiny bit more crazy than what I usually do. I might just have to swallow my fears and explore what I’m so afraid of; relying on myself.
I’ll be fine.
update: I actually felt joy while writing this. Yay!