Tuesday / April 27, 2021
I’ve been gone for so long, oh my god. I don’t even know where to start this story. So much has been happening; intense, complicated things that I never thought I would deal with. I’ve already written about how my dad sold our family business and how it has affected our family. Little did I know it was about to become worse and worse. Family relationships are complicated. We’ve been told family is everything, family over everything, family this and family that but the truth is that family relationships require so much effort, so so much. We’re all so different, starting from my parents who were raised in a different country, under completely different circumstances. They both come from patriarchic families, and I’m pretty sure they’re both more concerned about my brothers (especially the older one who’s married and has a child now) than they are about my sisters. It seems like it, even though they neglect this every time I point it out. We’ve been fighting a lot. There are a lot of things I’m not okay with, ”but what is there to do?”, I ask myself. As long as I’m under their roof, this is the life I get. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful for my parents and the fact that I have a home, but a lot of things inside this home are dysfunctional and that’s what bothers me and creates negative feelings inside of me. I choose to stay at my parents house because I’m a student. I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to make enough money to provide for myself; a place to stay, food, education costs. I sound selfish, but I’m being honest. If I wasn’t in school, I would’ve gotten a job a long time ago and left home. I just think it’s the best thing to do for myself and my mental health. I was in Kosovo for a month, where we also have a home. A lot of unexpected things happened, and when I say unexpected, believe me, I mean it. I was there for a month, only with my grandma. I had my own space, my own peace, away from the daily family dramas that I’m surrounded by every single day when I’m in Croatia. Coming back to Croatia because my university practice was about to start (it hasn’t started yet, I can’t wait though!!!), my mental health was getting gradually worse, day by day. I was a complete mess a couple days ago. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I felt like an absolute disaster. I feel a tiny bit better now but still not okay really. Besides being mentally exhausted, I’m also physically sick. I hope it’s not corona virus round two because that would be the cherry on top. I need to be healthy so I can at least leave the house and go for a walk freely. I also want to start going to the gym because it’s about time I regain my health once for all. I want to have a healthy body, which will then help maintain a healthy mind and the bonus that I get is being satisfied with the way I look. I used to have a problem with binge eating for about seven years. I have somehow solved that problem and now I’m about 8 kg lighter than I was at this time last year. The things is that I’m still very insecure about everything. I don’t understand it sometimes. It’s just hard, really hard. I question myself all the time, I doubt myself all the time. I’m always so stressed about how I may sound to people who don’t know me. I wish I could just breathe and not overthink every, and I mean every tiny little thing I do. I always feel like explaining myself. I wish I could just be, and not feel the need to explain or justify anything about my being. It’s so tiring. It affects creating new relationships so much. Only when I’m getting to know someone new do I realise how much I still have to work on myself. I feel like my insecurities keep me in a cage; because of that I can’t be free and just be my natural self. I’m very self-aware but then again, I’m know I don’t appreciate myself enough nor do I know my worth. The first relationship that I have to nourish is the one with myself, only then will the rest of them feel good. That’s what I have to achieve. I should not question myself like this on a daily basis. There’s so much more to say, but for today, I think this is where I’ll stop. I’ll go listen to some music and try not to overthink, which I also struggle with on a daily basis. Right now, I think it’s obvious that I’m a mess. I hope it won’t last for too long.
May I receive some light soon; I deserve it.