[3:19 AM / Sunday / November 18, 2018.]
Staying up late, my dear beautiful friend… I catch myself watching a movie, completely ignoring the fact that it’s past midnight, and that I should sleep. I’m wide awake instead, inspired by unrealistic movies, dreaming, planning, thinking. Now all of that would be completely fine if I wasn’t that one person who usually becomes a complete mess if they don’t get enough sleep. I’m a morning person (yes, I know what you’re thinking, haha!), I like waking up early and starting my day right so if I wake up after noon, I spend the rest of the day feeling lost, and I really, really don’t like that. I suffered from some major anxiety attacks this past week. It was very scary because it would happen right before I would go to sleep, just like it used to happen last year when my depression and anxiety were at the highest point ever. I’ve learned so much, I’ve grown so much and I’ve improved so much so after all of the hard work that I’ve put into improving my life, of course, I got terrified of losing all of that, and going back to my old, very, very unhealthy state of being. I went to therapy two days ago, as I’ve been going every week for the past couple of months and my dear therapist told me something that really opened my eyes. She asked me about how I spent my time and how/why would my anxiety appear. I told her that a lot of the things that I saw reminded me of some painful moments from that past and that those painful moments would run through my head making me feel miserable. Then she asked me; ‘what do you do when those thoughts appear?’ ‘I try very hard not to think about the past and I try to stop those thoughts by getting up and doing something else’- I responded. ‘That’s exactly the problem, Albesa, you want to run away from your anxiety. You have gone through those painful moments and whether you wanted it or not, they’re a part of your life, a part of who you are, they’re gonna come into your mind sometimes. So instead of trying to run away from those thoughts, go through them again for a few minutes, give your anxiety some time to exist. Be nice to your anxiety, communicate with it and it will leave you alone.’ Yes, it’s almost 4 AM, I should probably go to sleep but you know what? I’m not afraid today. And you know why? Because my anxiety will not hurt me if I let it express what it has to express. I’m gonna take a deep breath, and I’m gonna be a little kinder to that part of me.
Kindness is never a bad idea.