Monday / June 7, 2021
Every time I come on here, and see the new (not so new anymore actually) editor, I get mad; I just dislike it so much. Ugh.. Anyway,, I’ve been gone for a while. I haven’t been writing much, I haven’t been creating anything lately. I haven’t even felt like myself in a long time. I’m going through a hard and complex period of life, not only me but my family as well. I’ve been trying to write about it but it just end up with me closing all tabs and turning off the laptop.I get so overwhelmed by all the feelings that I get. I get mad, disappointed, angry…all sorts of heavy feelings. Sometimes I just don’t know what to do with all that burden. I don’t even know what to say. It’s been hard, really hard. I’ve given so much energy to people and things that for sure did not deserve it. I’m constantly surrounded by negativity, doubt, drama, conflicts. There’s no space to be in peace, to feel peace. My entire family is unemployed right now. It’s been months now and everyone is feeling miserable. I see them, I believe they’re having a hard time and it breaks my heart that I can’t do anything. My family is a little crazy, we’re all very different from each other, but it still hurts to see them feeling the way they feel. I, personally, have been feeling quite disconnected. It’s time to change that, it’s time to connect with myself again. I must say that I haven’t failed anything in this semester. I’ve completed all my homework and exams with great success and that makes me incredibly happy. Some of my homework has received great feedback and great grades. My ‘ethnic discrimination’ presentation was one of the best in my group, so I got invited to talk about it in front of the entire class (on camera). Ethnic (or any kind of) discrimination is something I’m very passionate about so it got real. That’s good news right there. Three hard exams are waiting for me; I’m scared but I’m hoping it will end well. What else do I have to talk about? You know, I met someone about two and a half months ago. I thought they were great and stuff and I still respect them but the connection is no longer there; I can feel it that something has changed. Even though I do like this person (not so much anymore actually) I understand that what I’m getting is not what I deserve. I’m way more committed and available. So, I decided to stop trying and let it go. I already feel better. I don’t want half-assed relationships. They damage me in so many ways, they make me question myself, doubt myself and all in all, I become a mess. I don’t need that in my life, no one does. Why am I writing all of this? Because I need to express myself, and my thoughts. And I also want to let you know that you always need to think long-term. Long-term wise, are you gonna be better with them or without them? Be honest with yourself and act accordingly. It’s hard but it must be done. If they’re not giving back the same energy, please get out of that situationship or whatever it is. It’s simply not worth it. You deserve someone who finds time to talk to you and ask you about your day. You deserve someone who is into you and shows it. Don’t settle because of an idealised version of someone that you’ve created in your head that in reality doesn’t exist. Let it go and return to yourself. Every ending is a new beginning, I’m amazed by how relieved I feel already. You might miss them sometimes but keep in mind why it was better to let them go. Live your life, mind your own journey and focus on those who give the energy back. That’s what I’ve always told to my friends, and see, I’m taking my own advice. Yay, me! Oh another thing. I applied for a job, a very interesting one. I was scrolling through Facebook and a sponsored post appeared on my feed. They were looking for an English teacher to teach little kids age 3-5. I applied a couple hours before the submissions were closed. I received a call the next morning and I couldn’t believe it. They asked me to send some kind of demo-video of me teaching the kids so I sent that today. Now I have to wait and see if I get the job or not. I would like to get it, I think I’d be good at it but we’ll see. There are a lot of things on my mind but I think it’s better to end this story here and write another one some other day. Last words for today: remember who the fuck you are because you’re genuinely great. I’m not doing so great right now, it’s been hard but I’m here, I’m breathing and I’ll be okay. And so will you..
May we get through all the hardships, and may we keep becoming the best versions of ourselves.