Sunday / January 19, 2019
I’ve been gone for a month and I don’t even know why. So much has happened and I’ve written a lot on my phone but I never ended up posting it on the blog. Only now do I realize how much I’ve missed the sound of typing on the laptop. I love it so much! But yeah, where have I been, what have I been doing? Let’s get into it. I’m gonna start with something really amazing. Flor (my cousin and best friend who had moved to Austria with her entire family almost 4 years ago) is back to living in Croatia. I can’t believe we live in the same country again and get to see each other every day pretty much. Is this real life? I think I’ve written about her before but let me introduce her again; she’s my best friend, my cousin, my support system. We grew up together, went to school together, did everything together until she moved. It was terrible when she moved to Austria because I was used to doing everything with her. It felt like I lost a part of myself when I had to learn to do things on my own, without a companion. Even though I’ve learned a lot about independence and how important it actually is, life feels more complete now that she’s back. How beautiful is that? My other cousins are back as well and I’m so happy I get to be a part of their lives a little bit more now that we live in the same country again. I’m also kind of sorry that they’re back because this country sucks in many aspects but I’m really not trying to get into politics, education system, and whatnot at 3:30 AM. I’m just gonna appreciate that we’re close to each other again. I’ll definitely be writing about our upcoming daily adventures in the future. What I also want to talk about is that I feel stuck in some of my long-time friendships. I see that I’ve overgrown certain people and certain friendships and I really don’t know what to do. I’ll have to sit down and think about whether I want to invest more energy into that or not. To be completely honest, I don’t think that’s gonna happen anymore. I’m really tired of trying to save friendships that just haven’t grown along with me or haven’t progressed like I thought they would. I want to be okay with the fact that two people just need to go their separate ways sometimes. I don’t want to feel guilty for leaving a friendship I no longer feel good in. It breaks my heart, but it’s the most honest truth. I still love and respect these people but sometimes it’s just not what it used to be and it really doesn’t have to be anyone’s fault. If I don’t do what I feel is best for me, I’m gonna end up being at war with myself. I’ve been there before, and I believe a lot of other people have been there too. It’s exhausting, energy-draining, and pretty hard to get out of (the war in your mind). Confront reality and make decisions based on it. As my therapist likes to say ”don’t be just another person who ignores the pink elephant in the room.” The elephant stands for the big and obvious problem, and pink stands for us making things more beautiful than they are in reality in order to create fake peace inside ourselves and avoid confrontations. I’m currently struggling so much and I don’t have the energy to confront anyone or anything at the moment but it’s definitely somewhere around the corner. Right now, I need myself more than ever. All of my energy has to be directed to the right places such as my mental health, my physical health, my mindset, studying, writing, creating and other things that are important to me. More about my current struggle in the next story.