[1:14 AM / Saturday / June 22, 2019]
I’m usually afraid of the idea that I’m wasting my time so I try to make the most out of it by doing things I love, but these days I want time to pass as fast as possible. These days, I don’t want to do anything else besides get used to the pain. But how do I do that? It’s only been a week. I lost my wonderful grandma. The person I felt most connected to, most loved by is gone whether I want to believe it or not. I’ve seen it with my own eyes how they buried her. I’ve seen it with my own eyes how they threw cold mud at her. And I stood there completely shocked and speechless refusing to believe that I was saying my final goodbye to her. My grandma, who was so loving, so kind, and so pure, is now someone I’ll only keep alive in my memories and my heart. My grandma is now someone who I’ll have to talk to without expecting a response. From now on, I can only guess what she would say to me if she was still here. From now on, I’ll only be able to remininsce her words when I’d call her and tell her about my ‘rough day’. She always knew what to say. She always made sense to me. She had a soft voice and a beautiful mind, her words just sounded promising. I’ve been preparing myself for this for two months now, so I asked a dear friend of mine who is familiar with pain: ‘does it ever get less painful?’ He replied: ‘it doesn’t get less painful, you get used to the pain and the fact that that person is gone.’ But you can never prepare yourself for something like this. You can never get used to it before it happens. You can only imagine it. And you’re lucky if you can only imagine it because when it really happens, there’s no going back. I’ve seen it in movies, I’ve heard about it from other people but only now am I obligated to understand what death really means. And as of now, I’m not able to understand it yet. But according to my friend’s words, I guess I will as time passes by. I’ll hold on to that theory and hope for the best. I’ll love you forever and ever and ever. And I’ll love you more and more and more as I grow older. Only growing and learning about the world and life itself, will I be able to love you how you always deserved. I have a lot to learn and a lot of love to give to you, even though you will never respond to it again.
Faleminderit per cdo kujtim te bukur qe ma fale gjyshja jem e dashur. T’kisha mujt me kthy pak kohen e me ardh n’Kosove pak ma shpesh, me beso e kisha kthy. Shpresoj qe e din sa shume dashni kom pas per ty, shpresoj qe cdo her kur t’kom than ‘gjyshe t’du shume’ e ke ni me zemer, jo veq me veshet. Me mungon dhe do t’me mungosh gjithmone. Krejt cka ti je kon, une do e mbaj gjall permes vetit.
♡ ♡ ♡ Albesa