Freaking out and breathing

[1:55 AM / Sunday / January 13, 2019]

Hello my dear journal, my dear people, here I come again. Where else could I possibly go  with all of these emotions if not here? I don’t really know how to say it but I’m really scared. The environment I live in is unfortunately toxic and unhealthy, I feel the pressure coming from a bunch of different sources, I’m expecting an important job-related email that could really change my life for the better and I’m slowly starting to run out of patience with everything. I’ve been very calm these last two and a half months and in a really good place mentally. Every day has been a new start for me. I’ve been breathing and communicating with myself. ‘It’s all good’ I say and take a few deep breaths, and then go on with another positive thought which is ‘time will give you the answers, you’ll figure it all out.’ Now that I’m writing this and going through my emotions deeply, I realize how much it helps to write about them, talk about them and most importantly, analyze them. We have to stay in touch with our inner persona who sometimes goes way too far into the future. I have a fear of the unknown and since I don’t know what the future holds for me, I think it’s obvious why I’ve been feeling anxious. The unhealthy environment I live in makes me think about the future too much and that’s where my anxiety comes from. I want to remind myself that all I have is right now, not yesterday and not tomorrow. Since nothing is happening right now, I want to enjoy it and not waste it away by thinking about what my life will look like in a couple of months. Life is unpredictable, I don’t know if I’ll get that email. But even if I don’t get it, I want to believe I’ll create another opportunity for myself which will maybe work out even better. Who knows? I think it’s all gonna be good as long as I’m trying. I just have to learn not to freak out so much. I have to learn to stay healthy in unhealthy conditions too. I really only want to live in my own little world, which is kind to me and is in peace with my past, my present, and my future. 


Love, Albesa

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