[4:53 AM / Monday / April 22, 2019.]
I’m coming here with a heavy heart and a head full of thoughts. It’s been a tough week, a really hard one. It’s been quite some time since I’ve last felt this tired. There are a couple of things going on right now and those things combined make a huge mess. A mess that makes you feel completely lost. I’m always fascinated by my ability to feel. I feel everything so deeply sometimes l don’t understand myself. It’s both, a blessing and a curse. A blessing because when I love something so much, it helps me exist and survive, it makes my days so much better, it fills me with joy and happiness. A curse because not everything I spend the night thinking about is worth it. A lot of things aren’t. And I still do it because, in my head, even the smallest things somehow become big; bigger than they are in reality. I could be fighting with my parents and the words they will say to me will be the number one thing on my mind for at least two days. I’ve heard those words a million times, I have them registered in my brain, I could sing them like a song if I wanted to but they still often make an impact like it’s the first time. They are by no mean, trying to hurt me, they just remind me of their expectations of me which I struggle to meet. They ask me about college so much and I literally have no idea what I’m gonna do about it. If I tell them that I have no idea, they automatically assume I’ve given up on education and then attack me for it. My parents obviously want the best for me but I’ve openly told them to stop pressuring me so much. I’ve just recently recovered from depression, everything is still challenging, remaining calm and not freaking out is still a battle. I’m literally learning to live. I spent my teenage years in isolation. The time when people live to the fullest was my time to survive. Isolation was the only way to cope with everything that was going on. And now as a 21-year-old young adult, it’s still what I do. I isolate myself in order to get my thoughts together, in order to have an honest conversation with myself where I ask myself different questions and then give myself answers. It’s when I realize if something is really ‘that bad’ or not. I wouldn’t say I’m bad at telling people how I feel but most times, even when I make perfect sense to myself, I don’t make sense to people who I’ve tried telling how I feel. It’s a circle that gets you nowhere. I feel misunderstood very often. Whatever I’m talking about, I feel like it doesn’t come out the way I want it to so I end up feeling stupid. I usually think I’m pretty okay with expressing myself but it hasn’t been like that lately. Is it maybe other people not being able to understand what I’m saying and I’m making it about me like I always do? Yes, I struggle to find the right words to express myself sometimes but realistically speaking, it can’t be me always. I really don’t know. This story is all over the place but so are my feelings so I guess it’s okay. My dear grandma has been in the hospital for about a week now. Her health is now at the lowest point ever and the doctors told us to be prepared for everything. I can’t put it into words how painful it is to know that someone you love so much could die anytime. I’m afraid to check my phone when I wake up. I was 10 when I promised my grandma I would take her to Croatia when I would have turned 18. My grandma told me she highly doubted she would be alive by the time I turned 18. I turned 18 three and a half years ago and I never made it happen. Life changed so much. I’m so sorry. Can’t wait for some better days. I hope I figure things out. And my dear people, I hope you do too. It’s 6:04 AM now that I’m finishing this story (part two coming soon). I better get the hell out of the internet otherwise I’m gonna mess up my life even more!
Til’ next time!