Sadness and promises

[5:06 AM / Monday / May 6, 2019. ]

It’s been a month since my grandma got hospitalized and I’ve felt lost and confused ever since then. I’ve been thinking way too much. I know I haven’t been trying my best with anything in life. I haven’t cooked a single healthy meal, I haven’t taken a single walk, my sugar intake has been crazy high, I haven’t drank enough water and I haven’t read a single page of any book. I haven’t slept properly in a month, I feel tired emotionally and physically. I’ve treated myself poorly and I’m aware of it. When one thing hurts me, I lose myself completely, which is what’s going on now. I must learn to function on days like these.  My grandma, who means the world to me, is sick. These days are probably her last days and I’m away from her. I can’t see her or talk to her or hug her and let her know how much I love her. I’m devastated and heartbroken. And I’m even more devastated when I see my mom crying. It’s been a hard time for the entire family. No one is doing good at the moment. Negative energy has taken over our home. Instead of being more supportive and patient on these hard days, we’re being more distant and rude to each other, which is way more intense than how we usually are. I want to fix the situation but no one seems to care that much so I’m just gonna keep going. Everybody in this house is old enough to take responsibility for their words and actions, I don’t feel like calling out anybody. I’m really tired. It’s my first day at work today and it starts in a few hours. I haven’t slept at all and since the time to get up has almost come, I can start preparing myself for that ‘drunk and sad’ effect that usually comes along with a sleepless night. It’s okay, I’ll sleep better in a few days. Things will calm down. I will learn to find myself on days like these. I don’t want to cause myself even more sadness by treating myself poorly. I will focus on the food I eat, the words I say, and I will try to reduce the amount of scary thoughts my brain produces every second. It’s gonna be fine. I’m looking forward to getting back to the usual productive routine. Only then do I feel like my true self. 

Grandma, you always tell me not to pay attention to negative things in life and I promise I’ll try not to; not this much. You’re in my thoughts day and night. You inspire me to be better and take care of myself. I promise I will. 

I love you with my whole entire heart. 

Albesa 

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