Is it really that bad?

I absolutely hate it when I feel my heart pounding like crazy. I feel myself getting nervous and stressed because of all the overthinking I unconsciously do. Anxitey is just awful. It takes over me and I can’t do anything about it besides feel it. I have lost my sleep  because of it so many times but sometimes it really gets a little too much. I got an anxiety attack the other day; it happened right when I put my phone down and was about to sleep (this has been happening a lot lately). Those moments are the worst because that’s when my mind starts to produce thoughts that ruin my peace. I was trying to fall asleep for about 2 hours before I got up and went to the balcony to breathe some fresh air and find some peace. I sat in my living room and started crying because I couldn’t believe that was me. I used to be the kind of person who couldn’t understand when people cried easily and now I’ve become one of those people. I used to be outgoing and going out has now become a challenge to me. I went for a walk yesterday night and I was wondering when and how did all of this happen? When and how did I lose such a big part of me? I have always been very optimistic but I’ve had this feeling of failure ever since college started. I know it’s because I’m not focused and determined as I would want to be but I don’t know what to do about it. It’s just really hard to do anything when you’re feeling like this. It’s very hard to understand it unless you’ve experienced it yourself. Things like these are incredibly scary. I know I’ve changed a lot but not necessarily for the worse. I’ve become the most private person I know, which I actually like. My circle is smaller than it has ever been, I’m more family oriented than I’ve ever been and I’m more mature than I ever thought I could be. I choose to believe that everything happens for a reason. For example, if I never got depression and anxiety, I would never isolate myself. I would probably be making memories with wrong people which is terrifying. I’m glad I isolated myself because I got to see who my real friends were. It’s been a long time since I last felt good but now I know that when I get better, I’m gonna be surrounded by people who truly believe in me and were there for me when I was at my worst. I’m still very optimistic.

Love, Albesa

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