Monday / October 7, 2019
It’s almost 4 AM and I have to wake up pretty early but I’m struggling to fall asleep. My mind feels crazy. My thoughts are everywhere and nowhere at the same time. I feel so lost and so empty it’s really hard to put it into words. It’s been hard. I try to be that person who has their shit together most of the time but the truth is that I’m far away from that. I fall apart quite often. And honestly, I feel like it’s necessary at this point. I’ve taken so much of everything that came my way and it has become too much a long time ago. I am by no mean trying to keep myself together anymore. I’ve been letting myself be broken, sad, angry no matter how uncomfortable I am with those feelings. This entire year has been quite challenging, especially these past few months. From losing my grandma who meant the absolute world to me, to going separate ways with my best friend after 8 years of friendship to struggling to maintain my mental health to eating disorders to endless family dramas that drain my energy on a daily basis. I feel like I should be writing about college and how happy I am to be back in class and, as much as I really am happy about it, I haven’t had the chance to enjoy it quite yet. I started going to the gym a few days before college started and it felt amazing. I hadn’t felt like myself in ages and it took me 3 days of gym to change that for the better. It gave me so much mental strength, I really started feeling like my life actually can make sense. I felt happy, responsible and strong. I felt like a true fighter. Only 3 days of training, can you imagine?! But as life likes to test my patience apparently, on my first day of college, my leg started to hurt, just like it did in 2017 and 2018. So I had no other option than to stop going to the gym. Right when I made that big step, right when I took my anxiety by the hand and decided to go to the gym along with it, I was obligated to stop. Right when I started putting in the work in improving myself, I started feeling lost with myself again. My leg pain got so bad; to the point where I go to college just to count down the minutes till’ I get to go home. And this pain that came out of nowhere right when things started falling into it’s place, made me so incredibly angry and bitter about life. It took me a lot of courage to go to college again, it took me a lot of courage to start going to the gym and I’m mad because it seems like the universe just prefers the miserable version of me. I just don’t understand. How and why does everything in my life have to be messy? Why does life keep testing me as if I’m someone who can handle much more than what I’ve already handled? And what if it’s true? What if I’m really, really strong and life wants me to recognize that by putting me through these situations? What if this is the universe trying to show me how capable I am? What if this is the way to finally stop doubting myself?
Sending lots of love and light to whoever might need it, including myself.