Wednesday / August 5, 2020
I often wonder who I am, who I’m not, and what makes me who I am. I often think about who I would’ve been if certain things didn’t happen, if I didn’t meet certain people, if I didn’t go through the challenges that to this day feel heavy when I think about it. I think too much, and I worry too much. I find it hard to just be in peace. Sometimes it gets so messy that I even wonder ”can I even feel peace anymore?” But there are some random, short moments of peace that I sometimes find myself in. They only last for a minute, but that minute is long enough to take me to another world, where for a minute, I’m not worried, sad, stressed about a single thing. And it feels so, I don’t even know, strange? I’m not used to being in peace. I’m not used to pausing. I’m used to being in a constant rush; I don’t know where. I’m used to being under constant pressure, to do this, to do that. Always stuck in-between ‘I have to’ and ‘I should’. I’m learning to slow down. I’m not the only one. I recognize it around me all the time. But when it comes to other people, it seems like I almost instantly know what to say, I instantly know how to help. But what about myself? Where am I rushing and why? I get told that my words help and that I make perfect sense. I get told that I’m a good listener. I get told that I’m trustworthy. But let me tell you something: I almost never make sense to myself. I try and try and try to understand myself, why I still think a certain way sometimes, or why I still worry so much even if my fears rarely come true nowadays. But I know what it’s about; it’s always the same thing. I’m worried because I’m terrified of loss. I’m afraid of failure. I’m afraid of not being able to achieve my dreams. I’m afraid of being miserable. I have fears because I’ve experienced everything that I’m afraid of. It’s a day to day kinda thing to be okay with all of it. I can’t imagine some of it happening again. Whoever I talk to, I talk about it openly. I hate how people feel alone when it comes to these kinds of things. I’m not alone, none is. I love how surprised people get when they hear about some of these struggles. ‘You?! What?! But you seem to have it all together!’ Hah! I do have it together, but I also don’t. Am I fine, am I not fine? As I said, it’s a day to day kinda thing. I’ve stopped trying to define myself. Sometimes it hurts all over again, and sometimes I go about my day completely carefree. At this point, I think that’s how you actually live with certain things. I also love how others tend to see me as successful and strong and absolutely capable. It helps to see myself from someone else’s perspective. It reminds me of the fact that my reality is so much brighter than my fears make me think. We help each other in many ways. By being open about different things, I might have helped some of you feel more understood. I’m not always right, especially not when my fears take over, and with your perspective of me, you might have helped me remind myself that I’m doing better than I’m aware of. We both listened and we were both heard; which is sometimes, all the help that we need.
Talk to each other.