Friday / January 31, 2020
Nothing is making sense at the moment. Sometimes I feel like this blog is the only place I can go to, like it’s an old friend who’s always there to listen. As per usual when life gets messy, I’m struggling to fall asleep, and not only do I feel emotionally and mentally tired but also physically. I had a terrible day which eventually turned into physical pain. I feel my depression creeping in again and I feel sick. So much is going on, I barely see any light. My fear is real. Things are not getting any better, and neither am I. My environment is unhealthy. Some people I’m the closest to are the ones who caused me the most damage over the years. Every time I make some progress, I eventually get taken 10 steps back. I realized that even when I feel better about certain things, it’s because I’m distracted, not because I’ve healed. I’m still not okay with many things. I don’t think I’ll heal as long as I’m here, in this country, in this city, in this home reminded of so many things that turned the energetic and positive child inside of me into an adult who is on survival mode so often. And this country is very cruel sometimes. Everything reminds me of pain here. I was a child when some things were said to me, and those things determined the way I lived my life. There was no one to tell me ‘don’t listen to them’. The ones who were supposed to protect me never did, they neglected and belittled my pain instead. I also did that to myself for years because it was the only thing I knew. I asked for help and no one heard me. This is not my home. Not this country, not this city, not this apartment where I live in. Neither are these feelings. I don’t know where my home is but I know it’s somewhere far away from here. Somewhere where I’m able to sleep, breathe and rest. Somewhere where I’m able to live.
It’s been hard, but I believe it’s gonna be okay. I’ll get through this, and carry on with a new dose of strength and knowledge. If there’s one thing I’ve learned to do over the years, it has to be learning from pain. Pain, my old friend, you’ve made me who I am. I have no idea who I am, but I know who I’m not. I’m not like the ones who took away my home.
Home = peace