Wednesday / August 26, 2020
I’ve noticed myself feeling more and more lost. I haven’t written a proper story in a long time. I haven’t really expressed my emotions in a long time. I feel like I’m losing myself a little bit, and it doesn’t feel good at all. So many things have happened in the last 3 months, very heavy and hard things. My grandma died last year, my grandpa died two months ago, the situation at home isn’t the best, I’m not doing great either. I spent a month at home in Kosovo hoping it would help me, and it did, but once I came back home to Croatia, I noticed my mental health getting worse and worse day by day. I don’t have the energy to do anything. I can’t stop sleeping because of how tired and exhausted I am. I don’t really know how to help myself. I see my mom isn’t doing great either and it breaks my heart. She lost both of her parents. There’s nothing I can do, I know, and sitting with that fact is just so hard for me because I’m always the one who’s looking for solutions. I have three exams left to pass. I’m hoping for the best but expecting the worst. I wish I could put in the work properly and be sure that things are gonna turn out fine, but that’s not the case at the moment. I’m still gonna try my best; I’m gonna study as hard as I can. My cousin who is also my best friend got engaged and is moving to Germany next year. My other best friend is moving to Germany too, but in a month and a half. I’m just thinking how much I’m gonna miss both of them. They’re a big part of my life and I truly don’t know how my life is gonna feel knowing that I can’t see them whenever I want to. Still happy for them and the opportunities they’ll get once they move. I guess we’ll be fine. Things are just weird at the moment. Everything feels a little weird. Also, I’m getting myself into something that I’ve never experienced before. I don’t want to talk about it too much, but I eventually will if I see it’s worth it. Not sure how I feel about it at the moment, I’ll see over the next couple weeks / months. I don’t really know what to write anymore. This story is all over the place, but that’s how I’ve been feeling anyway. May I find strength to keep going and do my best no matter the struggles.
Love and light,