Wednesday / April 15, 2020.
Every story of mine starts with ‘it’s been a while since I’ve written anything’ lately. It’s true I haven’t been writing as much as I used to, and it’s definitely not because I didn’t want to, but because I didn’t even know where to start. So much has been happening lately. My life has changed so much in the past year and I must admit I’m still getting used to it. My grandma, who was my absolute light in life, passed away, I went separate ways with one of my long time best friend, I went back to university, and about a month ago, I went separate ways with my other best friend too. My grandpa is very sick and almost died a few days ago. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like this is my life at all. People who meant so much to me throughout my life, people who take part in so many of my memories aren’t a part of my life anymore and that truly breaks my heart. I know I’ve done more than enough to make things work, I know I’ve been a great friend, but at this point, I’m more than sure that it has nothing to do with me. I generally think that what people do shows how they feel about themselves. People suffer so much, from all sorts of insecurities, pain, doubts, and whatnot. If you don’t find an effective way to help yourself along with a genuine support system, it can seriously damage you and make you make very poor decisions. I think that happened to my best friends, but I can’t speak for them so I’ll just leave it there. A part of me will always be with them even if we no longer make memories together. All of this has been emotionally challenging and hard to process. I’ve had a best friend since I was 5 weeks old, that’s when my cousin was born. We have an unbreakable connection and the way we respect each other is the only way I know when it comes to friends. That’s why I don’t have a lot of friends. At one point, sooner or later, every friend that I ever had, showed me that they didn’t care about me as much as I cared about them. I learned to see that through their actions, otherwise, if I only paid attention to their words, I wouldn’t be here writing this story. According to their words, they all love me so much. But when you love someone, you don’t do something that you know for sure is gonna hurt them. You don’t take for granted the fact that they trust you and don’t question your words. You don’t make them be even more afraid to open up. You don’t feed their fears. It’s fine I say because there isn’t much to say anyway. I feel that I’m growing. I’m handling things much better than I used to. I’m standing up for myself way more than I used to. I’m working on it, working on being the best version of myself every day, trying to find something good in every day and find the balance between what has happened and what is happening now. I’m trying to be okay with my fears. I’m trying to loosen up with my expectations of myself. I think it’s working more and more, day by day. My poor eating habits have improved massively, I’m so surprised this is happening. Eating doesn’t seem to be one of my coping mechanisms anymore. I’m on the right track for sure, and it feels damn good to say that. It’s incredible. I think my life has become less toxic all together, which is a result of my healthy decisions. Decisions that I never knew I could make. But here I am, hoping life is only gonna keep getting better. I’m not where I want to be in life, but if I keep taking proper care of myself, if I keep making healthy decisions, I’ll start being there sooner than I think. The next healthy decisions to make: start doing university work properly, do more of what I love and stop with self-doubt and negative self-talk. I don’t deserve it. None of us do.
Don’t let people question what they mean to you and don’t let yourself question what you mean to them either.
Take care of yourself, and take care of the ones you love, properly.
Til’ next time,
♡ Albesa
Albesa's journal 