Midnight walks and thoughts

I feel like I’ve lost everything, even though I haven’t. Walking down the streets I’ve always walked doesn’t feel the same anymore. These streets give me an unknown feeling and maybe it’s because I’m not how I used to be. The night hurts. The nights are full of thoughts that I try so hard to stay away from yet I feel closer to them every single day. I have thought about the ways to feel better, ways to feel good again but no matter what I thought, it never sounded like a good idea. Things that I thought would help me, helped me for a second and they became black and white, just like a lot of other things in my life. Depression is something that takes away so much from you and the worst thing about is that you don’t even notice. Every day feels empty and the things that you usually enjoy sometimes don’t even have an impact. It’s been four years. Four long years of feeling like I’ve lost myself. Four long years of not knowing what to do with myself. I’m tired, extremely tired. I have learned a lot of things from this but I have also lost a lot. I lost sunrises full of positivity because I wanted to sleep my pain away. I’ve lost so much energy trying to escape from what has been haunting me. I’ve lost faith in what I believed was stable and real. I’ve lost but I’m still breathing. The night hurts and days feel empty but I’ve kept going no matter what. Is that what I gained? Did I gain energy from getting tired? Is there any explanation for what is happening to me? I’ve lost so much but maybe I’m still breathing because I need to discover that I’ve gained much more than I’ve lost. Maybe. 

Love, Albesa

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