The good, the bad, and everything in between from the last two months

Tuesday, May 3, 2022. 

So much has happened since I’ve last written anything on the blog. I’m sorry I’ve been so absent lately. Sometimes I’m so overwhelmed with everything going on to me and around me that I simply don’t know how to be a person anymore. I’ve realised a huge problem that I have. I let everything consume me. Whatever happens to me or around me that affects me or my loved ones, it gets to me to the point where my anxiety becomes unbearable. My anxiety has officially reached its peak. I’ve been having headaches for about a month and a half now. Just to be clear, I never had headaches before and now all of a sudden, I feel this tension and pounding in my head. I thought it was because of my wisdom teeth growing but it wasn’t. I got super scared and started fearing some terminal illness. I went to the doctor and checked my brain and luckily it was all okay. My doctor asked me about my mental health and I told her what I was going through and she told me, your headaches are a product of your anxiety; your body has had enough. She also advised me about therapy and treating anxiety with medication to which I responded with a lot of scepticism. I know medication could help me but I’m just so afraid of something going wrong with that too. Becoming addicted to medication, or not knowing how to function without them. I don’t know. I’m more open minded about it than I was five years ago when I was prescribed some pills that I flushed down the toilet as soon as I got home. I’m curious but I need to inform and educate myself more. It might help me. What if it changes my life for the better? What if my fears calm down? Imagine that peaceful life where your brain doesn’t come up with the absolute worst case scenarios all the time? Must be truly wonderful to be alive. Should I move on and write about good things now or?? Wait no, I’m not done with the bad things yet. Another truly heartbreaking thing for me was going separate ways from my cousin who I’ve always had a great relationship with. I’m not gonna go into too many details because it’s too much for me at this point, but what hurt me so much was her trying to remove me from her life with one unfollow on Instagram. Years and years of being cousins and close friends- simply gone with one unfollow. Wow wow wow. Absolutely heartbreaking. I was going through a depressive episode and she asked me if I was ignoring her, to which I responded negatively. I wasn’t ignoring her or anything, I was just taking time for myself to calm down and be in peace. When I’m in that state of being, I find it extremely difficult to be around people or make plans or go out. Which is why I wasn’t inviting her or anyone anywhere. Two months later, I posted a couple stories on Instagram of me being out, it was either one of the two times I went out for a special occasion to which I was invited, I wasn’t the one inviting, or I was on my way to work. My cousin told me she had seen me going out and never inviting her. Based on the stories she had seen on Instagram, that I was ‘going out’,  she thought my depression was over and I simply didn’t want to hang out with her; which was so far from the truth. I wish she should’ve messaged me asked me about it instead of jumping into conclusions and creating theories that do not exist. Our families don’t get along anymore and we’ve had extreme issues, and I think that’s the real reason why she wanted to remove me and my sisters from her life. She unfollowed us all. I respect her decision but I’m sure she wasn’t honest about why she unfollowed me. Had she wanted to continue having a connection, she would’ve asked me about me going out, she could’ve asked me if I was feeling better because she saw me going out. But nope. She simply unfollowed me without any explanation. I asked her for an explanation, then we met and talked and that’s it. There are many family issues between the two families, but I’m not responsible for any of it and that’s why it hurts to be removed from someone’s life with one unfollow. But nothing can be forced. It is what it is, and if you don’t accept things for what they are, you’ll suffer to the point of insanity. So I choose to accept whatever it is, no matter how much it hurts. Now on to the good things. I’ve written about losing our family business and money issues a couple times. It’s been the hardest year and a half but I’m happy to finally tell you that the suffering might be coming to and end. We are buying a new bakery on the other side of the city. Oh my God I cannot believe the day to write this has come. There’s this cute bakery that was being sold and my dad met with the owner, they made an agreement and we’re taking over the bakery in one week. The bakery is already opened and furnished, so we’ll just take over it and manage it in our own way, baking and creating our own products. I can’t wait and I’m so happy for my parents, my big brother and my entire family. I hope a good chapter is ahead of us. Moving to Germany was my dad’s plan after losing our business but that didn’t work out since we didn’t find a proper place for a bakery. My family has been living in Zagreb for so many years, I guess it’s destiny that did its job because the bakery that we bought and are taking over is in Zagreb, which means none is moving. We’re staying in Zagreb, a place that we can all call home no matter the hardships that we’ve experienced here as Albanians. I’m happy with how things worked out. I hope the business with be successful. Another good thing. This is soooo strange to say but oh man, I was invited to an interview!! I tweeted about how my English teacher in high school bullied me multiple times, telling me I wasn’t good in English as I thought I was and how now, nine years later, I’m an English teacher myself. It got a hundred likes and caught the attention of a TV show in Kosovo. They reached out to me because they wanted to hear my story. I was shocked when I saw their message. I did the interview, talked about being a teacher, bullying and being Albanian in Croatia. I was terrified but it was a great experience. The response was beyond what I could’ve imagined. I felt so honored to talk about important topics like those, and I was especially honored because it’s a TV show from Kosovo where they speak Albanian, so I spoke Albanian in the interview which was very special for because I’m a huge fan of it as it’s my mother language and i find it very very beautiful. What else? Have I forgotten anything? Ughhh, I have a lot more things on my mind but I just don’t want to write about it on here because then it’s gonna feel like it’s tooo important and I still care too much. And I don’t want that! But since it’s on my mind, what difference does it make man? Basically, it’s about a failed talking stage with someone I genuinely thought I had a real connection with. But I think it might have been a bit more genuine from my side than it was from his. Anyway, maybe I’ll write more about in another story, someday in the future. We’ll see. I know I’ll be fine regardless. My dear journal, thank you for always being patient with me and being my safe space where I can return anytime. I’ve missed you so much. I think that’s about it for today’s story. Until next time, stay safe and kind. Love and light to whoever gets to read this story. 

All my love,

♡, Albesa

ps: Happy Eid to those celebrating. I’ve had so much food I’m about to explode!!

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