Emotions of this exact moment

[3:22 AM, Tuesday, February 12, 2019.]

I’m sitting on my bed, listening to music, thinking about life and how certain things happened. I’ve written about my mental health so much. I’ve tried to express my pain through letters and I don’t know if I did it well but let me cut it short and tell you: my life used to be a disaster. I was unhealthy, in every aspect possible. After going to therapy, and a few healthy decisions that I make every day, I’m here feeling healthy, learning more than ever, improving more than ever and minding my own business more than ever. But I’m also feeling confused. Why is it that when things are going well, something starts to suck so much? I guess this is just another proof that life is never going to be perfect. There is stuff we’ll never be able to control; the effort the other person puts into your relationship, for example. I’ve been a loyal friend, tried to be there for them as much as I could, always made sure they knew they’re loved and now I’m here thinking about where I stand with them. And as much as it breaks my heart to write this, I guess I don’t stand with them anymore. You know why? Because when I started going to therapy, learning about myself, analyzing my mind and my unhealthy habits, I realized I’ve given love to people who didn’t do the same for me, not in the same way I did for them. I realized I was investing effort and energy in relationships that would not exist without my investments. I’m not blaming anyone for anything, I’m just expressing my feelings from my viewpoint. Now that I’m learning and changing for the better, ending unhealthy relationships feels so, so uncomfortable even though they’ve caused me a lot of sadness. I’ve been a people pleaser my entire life and putting myself first just doesn’t feel natural to me. I’m still learning. Sometimes I even feel guilty. Times like those when guilt starts to take over me, I make sure I take a break and remember I did everything I could to make things work and that’s what gives me permission to continue working on myself without unhealthy ideas getting on my way. I’m not a perfect human, I don’t even strive to be one, I might have hurt people out of ignorance and I’m willing to accept it and learn from it but if I ever ask ‘how are you?’ it’s always genuine and coming straight from the heart. While recovering from depression, change, growth, and healthy decisions that, in the beginning, don’t even make sense are inevitable. I’m doing good, I’ve progressed so much and I’m really happy. I’ve been calm,  trying to eat as healthier as possible and appreciating my newly re-developed ability to focus and read books which I love so much. All of that is what I’m grateful for but speaking about right now, about this exact moment, I really can’t stop wishing I could help people get better. This is one of the things I have yet to understand; the fact that I can’t help everyone, especially not the ones who don’t want to be helped for one reason or another. I will have to accept that sometimes it’s better to leave people alone, let them figure it out by themselves and just wish them well. 

At this exact moment, I’m sad that there are less and less people that I can ask ‘how are you?’

I hope I’m making sense at least a little bit.

Love, Albesa

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