Wednesday / December 18, 2019
I’ve been having some of the hardest times of my life. I don’t know which one I should say: too much is going on or nothing is going on at all? I’ve felt down most of my day for the past 2 months, I’m not being productive, I’m not doing what I love, I’m not taking proper care of myself. I have no idea which direction my life is taking, I don’t have my priorities straight and my energy is low. I’m so incredibly exhausted and lost. I don’t think I’ve ever felt like this. I used to suffer from severe depression and anxiety. It was either dying slowly day by day or getting out of bed to save myself. So I grabbed myself by the hand, got a job, started going to therapy and I got better. I try to remember if it was as bad as it is now but I really don’t know, I don’t think it was. On the other hand, even though I still suffer from anxiety quite often, I wouldn’t say I’m depressed anymore. Compared to about a year and a half ago, I’m able to be much more productive, get a considerable amount of work done and my cognitive abilities have improved. But what is this? Why am I not getting any work done then? Is it a crisis, a phase or what? I’m constantly at war with myself. I’m constantly at war with my family members who don’t understand the negative impact that our daily fights have on me. I’ve been struggling to have a proper conversation with myself which is awful because those always help me see things more clearly. It’s like I have a gray cloud above my head, full of negativity, doubt, fear and overthinking. I know it happens to everyone and that when this happens, it’s beneficial to take a step back and breathe for a second but I’m just really afraid of not being able to live the life I want to live and be the person that I truly am. I’m afraid I won’t be able to do good in college and that makes me upset because I truly care about it. How do I grab myself by the hand again? I want to be there for myself. I want to be able to say ‘I got this’ when days like these come. I feel so much better now that I’m writing about all of this. Writing always helps, expressing myself through letters has a therapeutic effect on me. It’s a part of my soul which I really want to share with the world someday. See? It’s not that I don’t know what I want at all; it’s the fear that is holding me back. Yes, some things I have yet to figure out but the things that I already know, I don’t want to keep them waiting because the more they wait the more miserable I get. I don’t want to be miserable so I better grab myself by the hand the way I grab this laptop and have a serious, open and honest chat with myself. It’s about time to give myself a break with all this negativity and start believing in myself a little more again. What I’ve been through this year has never happened to me before, it’s been painful, heartbreaking, confusing. I’m still processing my grandma’s death. Sometimes it hits me in the middle of the day, sometimes it hits me in the middle of the night, regardless, when it happens, the only thing I’m able to do is be sad. It’s only been 6 months since she died. I need more time for being this version of myself that I am right now; sad, heartbroken, lost. I allow myself to be this version of myself and I forgive myself for not reaching my full potential. I’m happy I still choose to keep waking up and deal with whatever the new day might bring. It’s never easy but it’s the only way to do it. I’m in pain, but I’m also learning, growing and improving. Next time a crisis like this comes, I’ll know what to do. And for this one, I guess I’m just gonna give myself some time and space and let the toxicity and sadness get out of my body one day at a time. I’ll soon get done all the work that is waiting for me but right now, I guess I’m gonna figure it out one day by day. I have my fingers crossed for all of us. I have to wake up in about 5 hours so I guess that’s a wrap for this story.
Sending love and light to whoever might need it.
Til next time,