Tuesday / February 25, 2020
At times like these, I wish my grandma was still here more than ever, so I could call her and tell her about how I’ve been feeling. I wish I could go back in time and have her tell me just one more time that everything is gonna be fine. She just knew how to talk to me, she always managed to convince me that there’s no need to worry so much. And that’s all that I’ve been doing lately; thinking, worrying, feeling lost. I need to believe that everything is gonna be fine more than ever. I’m struggling to believe that, I feel the complete opposite. I feel like my life is a huge mess that is only getting messier as I’m getting older. I know a lot of people feel like this too, some take it easier, and some are tired at this point and don’t take it that easy anymore (some feel like they’re about to get a heart attack anytime; me). My life probably looks this bad only in my head, but isn’t how you perceive yourself and your life the most important thing anyway? You’re the one who lives with your mind, your thoughts, your feelings; so yes, the fact that it looks this bad in my head is all that really matters, unfortunately, because it’s me who experiences that big mess. I know I’m good at a couple of things, I know that life can be really beautiful, and most importantly, I know that this is not the end of the journey for me (I actually believe that despite all the suffering, I’m still gonna turn 100 so I have about 78 more years to go lol). However, feeling stuck, feeling lost, being on the edge with your mental health constantly, and not knowing what decision is the best decision for you and your future is like walking around the house with no light on. At some parts of the house you manage to arrive smoothly, meanwhile while walking around trying to get to another part of the house, you might hurt your little toe or slip and fall on your wet bathroom floor (imagination has gone too far now). What I’m trying to say is that I guess we have to keep walking and trying to help ourselves however we can, even if that means getting hurt along the way. Something is telling me that it’s all worth it after all. I don’t know. Whether we like it or not, whether we thought it would be like this or not, the reality is that sometimes things don’t turn out to be how we planned. Sometimes we succeed, and sometimes we have to change the route of the journey. The things we believe are the best for us, don’t necessarily have to be the best in reality. And how do you know what is for you and what isn’t? Simply based on the feelings that it gives you. Feelings are the clearest answers. If it feels good, keep going in that direction. If it doesn’t, change the route a little bit. If you’re not sure, try flipping a coin. Or don’t. Throw the coin away and come up with something completely new. That’s also one of the options. Sometimes we’re just too obsessed with our plans; which makes it harder for us to see that there’s so much more than just our ‘ideal life’ plan that we hold on to so tight. Maybe it’s not even that ideal (?)
My grandma is not here anymore, but she’s always gonna be alive in my heart, thoughts, and dreams. I can still hear her voice very clearly. Right now, her beautiful voice is telling me that I’m smart and capable and that I have no reason to be so upset. That’s what she always used to tell me, and maybe, just maybe, that’s really that one thing I need to believe in at the moment. And the rest will come, I guess.