[11:28 PM / Friday / April 26, 2019]
A few days ago, I wrote a story about stuff that’s been going on lately. More and more stuff was coming to my mind as I was finishing that story so I thought I’d write a second part, and this is it. Part two, let’s do this! Okay, let’s start with some positive news. In one of my stories, I mentioned an e-mail that I was expecting and how it could change my life. It was a life-changing job opportunity which I didn’ get. Well, today I got an e-mail about a job that I did get! It’s not as life-changing but at least I’ll be productive, gain new experience and earn my own money; I’m not complaining. Sadly, that’s about it with the positive stuff. I’m still under a lot of pressure. My parents have been under a lot of pressure lately and they just pass it on me and my siblings, which really sucks. I can’t seem to find a healthy way to communicate with them; everything has been turning into an argument these days which is so, so tiring. I’ve been experiencing terrible anxiety in the last couple of days which is why I’ve been struggling to sleep properly. I think about my parents, our family business, my college education, where I want to go, what I wanna do and stuff like that. I think about myself and how I’m very toxic with myself (and others) sometimes. I must accept my life more. I’m not in peace with a lot of things. I’m not in peace with how I treat myself sometimes, how I’ve been treated by others, how my family has been treated, I’m not in peace with my life in Croatia, I’m not in peace with my ‘failures’ that came with my depression and anxiety. I think about those things way more than I should and that’s exactly what makes me toxic. I’ve learned a lot from everything that I’ve written above, I am who I am because of some things I had to go through but I still get angry/sad. I’m learning to accept stuff and turn it into something positive. I’m learning to outgrow things that hurt me. I’m not there yet but I believe I’ll get there soon. What I’ve learned so far is how to rely on patience. I’m extremely patient even when I get angry so that’s a plus. I guess there are more pluses out there, I’ll figure it out. On the other side, good side, what gives me peace and courage to keep going is knowing that I’m willing to work on everything that still makes me sad. I’m willing to improve the quality of my life. I might visit my therapist again, not because I’m depressed again, but because I need to talk to someone. My friends are all going through some difficult stuff at the moment so I don’t really get to talk about my stuff that much. But it’s fine because sometimes I don’t even know what’s going on. Sometimes I don’t know how to express myself when I’m talking to other people; I find it much harder than writing like this. That’s pretty much it. I’ll try to calm down and freak out a little less so I can make decisions and have fewer question marks in my head. It’s gonna be fine.
We got this.