Wednesday / February 23, 2022.
Like I always do when I’m having a shitty time, I come here and just let it all out. When was the last time I was not having a shitty time though? I feel like it’s been forever since I’ve last felt peace. There is always, and I really mean always something going on. Something hard, something that makes you really tired and exhausted. Is it even possible to not have so many hard things on your plate? I feel like I’ve lost a sense of peace, a sense of simply being and existing. I’m constantly stressed, under a lot of pressure. I’m constantly doubting myself. There are times when I feel like I can absolutely achieve whatever I put my mind to, and there are times when it all seems like a very, very surreal dream. I wonder if I’ll ever graduate; will my brain be able to learn and process all of that studying? After all the mental struggles that I’m constantly dealing with, is my brain’s capacity still there? Will I ever reach a level of self-love where I will no longer think of myself as ‘not good enough’ in any situation? That thought is so poisonous, and my dear people, working on removing it from your minds will do wonders; I’ve been trying. I overthink, to an extreme extent. I feel stupid after almost every conversation. I always think I should’ve formed the sentence differently, or used different words. Sometimes I don’t sound like myself, or it’s just in my head, I honestly have no idea. I’m extremely self-critical as you can probably tell. There’s so much work that needs to be done. I’m not a people pleaser anymore, however, what I’ve realised is that I’m still terrified of conflicts and confrontations. It’s still one of the most uncomfortable things to do when it comes to other people. My entire body goes crazy just thinking about confronting someone or expressing my feelings. It’s absolutely wild how your childhood habits will follow you through your adulthood if you don’t acknowledge your own issues and work on them. I was a highly criticised child, always listening to some sort of comments about me and my appearance. Always being compared to my slim sisters or cousins or someone else. Even though it’s gotten a lot better over the years because I’ve worked on myself really hard, I’ve noticed how the overly criticised child becomes an overly criticised adult. There are so many things about me that I don’t appreciate as much as I should. Instead, I stand in front of a mirror, doing my make up, and start commenting on how my skin looks awful. That’s not a nice thing to say or hear. So why do I do that to myself? Why do I comment on my acne? Is it me acknowledging that my acne exists before someone else does? I’ve struggled with acne for 6 years now. It’s still quite strange to me how it appeared out of nowhere, dare I say. It’s a good question to ask, is it really out of nowhere knowing damn well I had been struggling with severe depression for two and a half years before it started showing on my skin? I don’t really know what to say anymore. It’s a mess at home and it gets to me. It makes me so sad and then it all comes at me at the same time. I think I need to breathe and be kinder to myself. This is a very hard period of life and I’m trying to survive.
I need to stop expecting things from myself all the time. It’s okay to simply just exist for a little bit. Deep breathes and a bit of hope. Tomorrow is a new day and I will try to find something to be excited about. It’s nice to see the days getting longer again. It helps to go out for a walk. It’s nice to feel the body. It’s nice to write and remind yourself of how well you combine letters and words, and how people feel understood after reading my words. Pure magic. I struggle and I’m not feeling my best most of the time, but I’m here and I’m trying to find light. I’m trying to stay hopeful even though it seems impossible sometimes. But I’m here and that’s more than enough.
Till’ next time,