Friday / September 20, 2019
I turned on my laptop all motivated and inspired to write but I ended up sitting in front of my computer jamming to some really shitty Albanian songs for about two hours instead. As much as I think some of those songs are really shitty, I must admit they’re my guilty pleasure, hehe lol. I’m quite tired, and in desperate need of sleep but I have a few things to talk about so I guess we’re staying up late today. Anyway. My dear people, let me be honest and tell you that this month has been so shitty and so hard that I literally don’t know which words to use in order to describe it properly. I’ve been led by madness, sadness, traumas, disappointments and what not. It’s been hard ever since grandma died, three months ago. Shitty days are extra shitty now because I can’t call her and tell her about it anymore. My friends are amazing and I’m thankful for them but everyone is quite busy nowadays and it happens that right when I’m in a crisis, none is available. I’m not the best communicator either, sometimes I keep stuff to myself so that it doesn’t get too much for them, which is wrong because it’s not up to me to decide how much can any of them take. From now on, I’ll try to be even more honest and even more open about how I’m doing and when I’m not doing good, that’s exactly what I’m gonna say. Sorry best friends, your girl can’t have a good time all the time. Jokes aside, I only have one more week of work left. I’ve been working for 5 months now, doing the same exact thing every single day. It has gotten so boring that at this point, I count down the minutes till’ I get to go home from the moment I step into the office. Wow, that sounds so bad. I’m still gonna miss it though. College starts in 9 days, my anxiety is already peeking through but this time, my anxiety is gonna be my companion, not my enemy. My anxiety and I are gonna get out there and make the most out of it together. It’s a part of me, it’s a part of who I am, and it’s about time to stop fighting it and just accept the fact that it’s always gonna be somewhere near me. I think it’s a better idea to start trying to get along with it instead of wishing it could go away. I believe it’s gonna be okay. So, I’ve been thinking about publishing my blog on Instagram, share all of this with the world on there but I still haven’t found the courage to do it. The thought of everyone knowing what happened to me, and what has been happening to me is just so scary. On the other hand, I know for sure it would help people feel less alone and more understood. I’m sure there are a lot of people struggling with something and they probably think it’s something to be ashamed of and that’s exactly why I would want to talk about things so openly. I want to contribute to normalizing talking about mental health, especially when it comes to Albanians. I’ve written about it before, mental health is not a topic that Albanians often discuss. And it should be because the mentality that has been passed on from generation to generation has left people suffering their entire life. I was born and raised outside of Kosovo where my parents are from, however, our household is a typical Albanian household. Even though we live in a place that is completely different from it, my parents have kept that same mentality and haven’t really opened their minds to stuff they’ve never heard about before. In my story, that’s where not talking about emotions comes from. I never did it when I was younger. I was literally born convincing myself that everything was fine and even if something wasn’t fine at all, I always ended up leaving it somewhere behind. Over the years, it became too much, and everything that I ever left in the back of my mind, all of a sudden became what occupied my mind the most. And it became painful. It made me suffer. My mom would ask me what’s wrong but how do you explain to your mom that the child inside of you has had enough? How do you explain that the adult you isn’t doing good in college because of anxiety? She would probably ask ‘where the hell is this coming from?’ without realizing that it’s something that’s been developing for years and years. So I started talking. My parents haven’t really changed, but I’m in peace because I’m doing something good now. Even though it’s not really comfortable, I’m allowing myself to express how I feel. I talk about emotions all the time. I talk about good times and bad times and how it’s all a part of life which we can learn something from. My mom kinda loves it because I sound like an old lady which I probably am deep down. No matter where you come from or where you live, mental health and mental illness is an important topic that should be regularly discussed. By talking about it, we can make a huge change. We can make it become ‘a thing’. It can happen to anyone, anytime, so please make this world safe enough to allow people to express their pain without shame. Pain is inevitable, in one way or another. Respect it, listen to it, learn from it, and don’t judge people for it. And even if you do judge, I kindly ask you to keep it to yourself. Next time you ask someone ‘how are you’ be open to hearing the answer ‘not so good’. You know why? Because when the person is done saying ‘I’m fine’ they’re doing something really badass! They’re admitting they’re not doing good and that’s exactly what the first step to getting better is. Things can get so much better. And they can get much better by just being there for each other. So be there for each other. Listen. There’s no need for words, just for real presence.
Be present. And most of all, be honest.
To be continued.