Am I slowly getting there?

Wednesday / September 22, 2021. 

I always write when I’m feeling down so I thought it would be a good idea to sit and write today as I’m feeling hopeful. It’s been strange the last couple of days. Even though this year has kicked my ass in ways it had never kicked it before, I can see and feel that I’m in a different place mentally; a muuuuch better place. Of course I still have my dark days when I struggle to see any light, but overall, I notice I’ve made huge progress and I’m proud of myself for that. I feel different,  I’m at a place where I only want to work on myself and my future and do everything in my power to ensure a healthy, fulfilled and balanced life for myself. I want to be more focused on my education which is, besides my mental health of course, my top priority. I want to enjoy my new job to the fullest, and be proud of myself for getting such an amazing job and being able to earn money myself again. Even though it’s a part time job because I’m a student, it’s still just as important. I love teaching kids English, I love hanging out with them and being a part of their progress. It’s very fulfilling and I’m beyond happy and grateful for the opportunity I’ve been given. University is going pretty much okay, I’m a little behind with a couple exams but it’s gonna be fine, I’ll get to that too. I’ve been taking more pictures and being more creative. I’ve been there for myself more than ever lately. And my dear people, it’s lifechaning. Doing your thing, releasing the worries you have about other people’s opinion is such a sensational feeling, you feel so free and empowered to just be your authentic self, it’s amazing. I hope this is the beginning of a new era for me, where I’m the main character of my life, not everyone else. I’m still just as caring but in this phase of life, I’m the priority. I can’t even believe I’m writing this. It’s true that it gets better and I can finally confirm that myself. Might cry tears of joy after writing this story. Looking back, I’ve gone through so much and the fact that I’m still here, breathing, and trying to make something out of my life is just amazing to me. My younger self is so proud, and definitely clapping hard for me! Please look after yourself and be kind to your mind. Please ask for help. Take care of your well-being, water it by doing what you love, by speaking kindly to yourself, and by forgiving yourself over and over again. I haven’t felt like this in a while, so I hope this is the first of many stories with an empowering vibe like this. I’m proud of myself and everyone who’s trying to heal, grow, and move on with their lives. We got this.

♡, Albesa. 

A word or two about self-respect

It’s quite strange to me how you can meet people, they become a part of your life for a certain time and then it’s all gone. Everyone I’ve ever met has left a piece of themselves with me. I remember what they told me, I remember their life stories, I even remember their birthdays and daily routines. Sometimes I wonder how I remember so many small details about people, they would probably freak out if they knew. But when it’s all gone, what do we do? I’m very good at detaching, and continuing to live my life, but letting go is as sad as it is relieving. Sad because these people become a part of your life, you share details about your day with them, and they do the same with you. You get used to them and then all of a sudden, you know nothing about their day anymore. You don’t know if they graduated, if they got that job they talked about, if they visited that one place they were planning to. But sometimes you just have to wish them well. There is a reason why you choose to let go, no matter how hard it may seem at the moment when you’re still very much attached to the person. The point of this story is to bring awareness to self-respect. Self-respect or self-love is the answer to everything. There is nothing that you can’t get over when you’re fully aware of your worth and qualities. Once again, there’s a reason why things end. That one person was simply not for you; apologies in advance if that sounds a little too harsh. Your body recognises who is good for you and who isn’t. The feeling that you get when someone is unsure of you is like no other, it leaves you confused, and questioning a lot of things; and ignoring it won’t change anything. An interested person will make the chemicals in your brain go crazy; in a good way. Instead of insisting, waiting, or staying where you don’t belong, revalue yourself and make a decision that is genuinely good for you. You might miss that one person for a certain time but as you start focusing on yourself more, satisfaction, joy and peace will occur, and you will love it so much!. As time passes by, you will know exactly why certain things happened. You will be at peace, doing your own thing, without holding grudges. So one last word; if you’re not fully respected, appreciated, loved and valued just the way you are- leave. If they make you feel bad in any way, or small, or not good enough in any way – leave. If they can’t make a decision, you make the decision; to leave. Do not tolerate. Leave and love yourself, it will all make so much sense after some time. And you will be so proud of yourself for choosing yourself. That’s your duty in life. And mine, and everyone else’s. Self-love first, everything else second. 

♡, A.

In the midst of a huge, mixed mess

I’ve missed you so much my dear journal. I hate myself for not writing more on here. It’s always on my mind and then I just leave it for some reason. Typing this feel so nice and refreshing for my mind and soul. This place is my favourite place. My happy place, my safe place, my sad place. A go to place no matter what I’m going through. What do I have to write about today? A lot of things are going on. So, so many things. From family problems, financial problems, to repairing a friendship with a long time best friend. I’m okay, but I’m also heartbroken, and sad, and happy, and hopeful and all sorts of different feelings. I don’t know what’s going. Let me tell you about my job first, because it’s a beautiful coincidence. About a month ago, I was doing some basic uni work, writing an essay or something, and I went to facebook to check something related to that. A facebook sponsored post popped up and oh god, how can I not believe that some things are simply  meant to be? The facebook sponsored post was about an English language school for children and teens, they were looking for new teachers. It was the last day to apply, and when I saw that post, it was already 8 PM. I read the post quickly because I was busy doing uni work, which was also due midnight and was thinking to myself ‘oh God, do I apply or what?’ I decided to to apply. I quickly wrote my motivational letter and CV and applied. I wasn’t expecting anything but I received a call the next morning. I was shocked! Long story short, I had to take this teaching training that they do, to train the future teachers (pretty obvious haha lol). I passed it, and now I’m a certified English teacher for children age 3-8. Can you imagine??? It blows my mind honestly. The teaching training was an amazing experience. I learned a lot, met new and amazing people and passed the training. Since I passed the training, I also got the job so I will be starting work in Septembers when the schools open. I’m now waiting for my diploma to arrive; I will stare at it all the time once it arrives haha! I’m so happy about that so yeah, that’s about this beautiful coincidence. The family situation is pretty much the same. Nothing has changed, we’re still waiting for the money so we can invest somewhere and open a new business. The situation has not been the greatest. It’s been hard, really hard but what is there to do? I’m trying to stay hopeful but not gonna lie, I’m not hoping anymore. I have a feeling we will not be getting that money. I don’t know. I can’t wait for all of this to be over because this is simply awful. Terrible. Moving on to another thing; my ex long term best friend called me about a week ago. We had been friends for about 10-11 years before I decided to go my separate way for multiple reasons. It was supposed to be just a phone call but we’ve been texting every day ever since. It’s so weird how we can still talk like we always have. It doesn’t feel like anything has changed. I know we need to talk in person, and I need to apologise for the way I ended the friendship, but as of now, it seems like we’re getting along like we always have. I don’t know. Me and her have always gotten along so well; we’re simply compatible as people. A lot of things have happened between us but I feel like there’s a chance for us to save the friendship. We hadn’t talked in almost a year and a half. A lot has changed in our lives. But we still love each other so much. We still get along so well. Isn’t it worth it to give it one last chance? I honestly don’t know what to say. We definitely need to apologise to each other first, and then see what happens. I hope there will be no more goodbyes. What else do I have to talk about? My best friend / cousin is getting married in a month. Can you imagine? She’s moving to another country, a 13 hour ride away from me. I’m gonna miss her so much, I already am. But I’m happy for her. She found her person, they found each other and now they’re live together and do life together. Isn’t that amazing? They are lucky to have found each other, especially in this day and age when people either don’t want commitment or are scared of it. Love, any type of it, if it feels real, it’s worth going for it. Follow your heart and see what happens. Life is short, and our time is limited, so when you really like someone, make sure to let them know. It’s something that never gets forgotten, which is scary but also pretty amazing. I think that’s about it for today’s story. More to come in the following days.

Till next time, stay safe and truthful.

Oh yeah, just remembered another thing: I got my vaccine! Feeling grateful for it. 

Anyway, that’s it. Bye for today!

♡, Albesa

How we unintentionally help each other

Wednesday / August 5, 2020

I often wonder who I am, who I’m not, and what makes me who I am. I often think about who I would’ve been if certain things didn’t happen, if I didn’t meet certain people, if I didn’t go through the challenges that to this day feel heavy when I think about it. I think too much, and I worry too much. I find it hard to just be in peace. Sometimes it gets so messy that I even wonder ”can I even feel peace anymore?” But there are some random, short moments of peace that I sometimes find myself in. They only last for a minute, but that minute is long enough to take me to another world, where for a minute, I’m not worried, sad, stressed about a single thing. And it feels so, I don’t even know, strange? I’m not used to being in peace. I’m not used to pausing. I’m used to being in a constant rush; I don’t know where. I’m used to being under constant pressure, to do this, to do that. Always stuck in-between ‘I have to’ and ‘I should’. I’m learning to slow down. I’m not the only one. I recognize it around me all the time. But when it comes to other people, it seems like I almost instantly know what to say, I instantly know how to help. But what about myself? Where am I rushing and why? I get told that my words help and that I make perfect sense. I get told that I’m a good listener. I get told that I’m trustworthy. But let me tell you something: I almost never make sense to myself. I try and try and try to understand myself, why I still think a certain way sometimes, or why I still worry so much even if my fears rarely come true nowadays. But I know what it’s about; it’s always the same thing. I’m worried because I’m terrified of loss. I’m afraid of failure. I’m afraid of not being able to achieve my dreams. I’m afraid of being miserable. I have fears because I’ve experienced everything that I’m afraid of. It’s a day to day kinda thing to be okay with all of it. I can’t imagine some of it happening again. Whoever I talk to, I talk about it openly. I hate how people feel alone when it comes to these kinds of things. I’m not alone, none is. I love how surprised people get when they hear about some of these struggles. ‘You?! What?! But you seem to have it all together!’ Hah! I do have it together, but I also don’t. Am I fine, am I not fine? As I said, it’s a day to day kinda thing. I’ve stopped trying to define myself. Sometimes it hurts all over again, and sometimes I go about my day completely carefree. At this point, I think that’s how you actually live with certain things. I also love how others tend to see me as successful and strong and absolutely capable. It helps to see myself from someone else’s perspective. It reminds me of the fact that my reality is so much brighter than my fears make me think. We help each other in many ways. By being open about different things, I might have helped some of you feel more understood. I’m not always right, especially not when my fears take over, and with your perspective of me, you might have helped me remind myself that I’m doing better than I’m aware of. We both listened and we were both heard; which is sometimes, all the help that we need. 

Talk to each other. 

♡ Albesa 

 

Gentle reminders to myself (and you)

Friday / May 15, 2020 

I’m not here to be loved by people only when it’s convenient for them. I’m not here to keep my mouth shut and just accept things. I’m not here to put on masks and pretend that life is beautiful and exciting all the time. It’s not. And it’s a part of me to be open about it. That way, I’m hopefully helping someone else feel less alone and more understood. I’m not here to stay the same. I’m here to learn, to grow and discover how good can life be even when I’m facing challenges. How good can life be even when I don’t remember the last time I slept properly. Even when I feel like nothing is making sense anymore. 

I’m here to nourish my mindset, to listen, to love and be loved. I’m here to be patient, angry and keep going. I’m here to accept that I can’t do my best all the time. I’m here to let people know that they’re allowed to be themselves around me. I’m here to create and live on my own terms. I’m here to be who I am. We learn a lot and we change a lot. And since I, intentionally and unintentionally, learn something new every day, it might feel that I’m not the same as I was yesterday. Because I’m not. I’m myself one day at a time. Tomorrow? I don’t know what I’ll learn tomorrow therefore I don’t know who I’ll be tomorrow.

Hopefully still someone my younger self would rely on.

Hopefully still someone my grandma would love if she was still here. 

Appreciate yourself and trust the process.

♡ Albesa

❤️ Grandma ❤️

Tuesday / May 5, 2020

Angel on the sky,

I’m writing this with tears in my eyes. I know you would absolutely hate to see me like this but I just miss you so, so much. I think of you every day and every night. I’m looking for signs that you’re somewhere near all the time. Some days I feel like I have it together pretty well, and some days, well, I fall apart a little bit. Just a little bit, don’t worry!! I promise, even on days like these, when I feel absolutely heartbroken, I try to push myself to fight, and to be better, in every way possible. Because of you. For you. You’re the reason. You’re the source of my strength when I feel like I have non of it left. Because you were the one who always believed in me. I remind myself of that every single day. You were the one who never doubted me. You were both, a mother and a father to me. I just love(d) you so much. I love(d) you as a person, not just because of the fact that you were my grandma. You were everything that I admire in other people. Your heart, your soul, your mind, everything was so pure about you. And your hands, oh so, so warm. I’m trying hard, I promise I am. But it’s not easy. It’s hard, extremely hard. I feel the need to talk to you and hear your soft voice telling me that it’s gonna be fine. I don’t believe it when someone else says it, I do feel bad for saying it but I just don’t. Those words would only calm me down when you were the one telling them. The entire world could come together and shout at me telling me that ‘it’s gonna be fine’ and I still wouldn’t believe it. Because the entire world doesn’t mean to me as much as you do. The entire world doesn’t know why I need those words so badly; you do. I will keep trying to be the best version of myself every day so that I can continue to be your favorite granddaughter. It’s nice to know that I was your favorite because you were my favorite too. And truthfully, you will always continue to be; no matter how far away from me you’ve gone.

Wherever you are, I hope you’re in peace.

Don’t worry about me.

I love you and I miss you beyond words.

♡ Albesa

I suggest we start caring more about each other

Friday / March 20, 2020

I was worried about the fact that I haven’t been very inspired or didn’t know what to write about lately. Very unlike my machine-like working mind that comes up with different stories all the time. Luckily, there is so much going on in the world I finally have something to write about. Sarcasm aside, let’s jump into the story. (I’m so excited to write!!!) It’s true a lot has been going on in the world lately; this shitty virus came out of nowhere and it’s taking over the world in the blink of an eye. I’m not going into science or medicine as I know so very little about it, however, I’m going to express how it has made me feel and think. I went to the grocery store today (actually yesterday as it’s past midnight now) and even though I was not surrounded by people that much, and even though it was just a quick errand, I still felt very irresponsible when I came back home. I felt my anxiety taking over me. It’s inevitable to go to the store and buy what is necessary but I don’t know, even though I knew I was healthy, it just didn’t feel right at all. It didn’t feel right to put myself at risk. Please don’t think of this time as an opportunity to hang out with your friends. None of us is on vacation. We must stay inside and protect ourselves and others who may be more at risk than we are. I’m young, I’m only 22, but not everyone around me is. Especially not here in Croatia, the country where I live, where elderly people make a big part of the total population. Please be more considerate, and keep in mind that your irresponsible behavior can seriously damage someone who might not be able to recover. I’m healthy right now, I will make sure I stay healthy and that way, I’ll protect other people’s health as well. If we all do that, if none of us puts ourselves at risk, we can get through this shitty time quicker. Another thing that’s been running around my mind is gratitude. Life has not been easy, at all, but I’m healthy. You know when you feel a pain you’ve never felt before and for a second you think you’re dying and the only thing you want is to be healthy? That’s how I’ve been feeling lately. Nothing else matters. Immigrants and refugees have also been on my mind, as their living conditions are poor and their health is at risk. I’m devastated. My mom asked me why I cared about them so much. I care about people in general but I especially care about people who none else seems to care about. And this is my answer to my mom’s question. I myself, am an immigrant’s child, I myself know how I felt growing up in a society that didn’t want me. But I had a home, a warm home with warm food on the table. If I was having a bad day outside, or in school, knowing that I had a home to return to kept me going through the day. And what do these poor kids have? A tend that flys away once the wind blows a little harder? What keeps them going through the day? No country will be able to escape from different cultures. No country will be able to remain 100% ‘authentic’. As long as they’re contributing to the country, people should be free to create a home wherever they feel it’s best for them. They say the world isn’t divided by race, culture, ethnicity, religion, sexuality like it used to be. What is it then? It’s even worse now. You know why? Because people used to be painfully honest about not wanting someone of a certain characteristic. They used to express it openly whereas now, people like to pretend they’re open-minded and accepting when in reality, they’re far, far away from that. False acceptance is real. A lot of people still struggle to think outside of the box. If these poor people get the necessary support now and if their kids get the chance to have a home and education, they could help the country later. Wouldn’t you want a helping hand if you lost it all today? Make people feel welcome, no matter who they are and where they come from. Sometimes that’s all they have, and in days like these, that’s what could get them through the day. 

This country didn’t want me, but my parents created a warm home here. My education is here. My memories are here. I might not be staying here in a couple of years, but it’s undeniable that this country has given me a lot of things that I’m thankful for. Just like me, someone else could be thankful too. All they need is a chance. 

♡ Albesa

Thoughts turned into a poem (missing grandma)

Sunday / March 8, 2020

Angel on the sky, you’ve been on my mind

it’s you who I think of when the sun is shining bright

I’ve changed a little but I know you don’t mind

I promise to always keep only the goodness in my heart

you would always tell me ‘it’s gonna be alright’

and I would always believe you and sleep tight at night 

Now I’m the one telling you:

even if you see me with tears in my eyes,

even if you see me falling apart,

don’t worry too much,

I’ll be alright

Sleep tight angel,

I miss you.

♡ Albesa

ps: Is this what you call a poem? If yes, then this is the first poem I’ve ever written. I never express myself through poems, but this time, my thoughts were all over the place and only started making sense when I wrote them like this. Poetic Albe, who would’ve thought. Haha. 

A surprisingly good day: noticing progress

Monday / January 27, 2020

I was finishing my burger and this story came to my mind. I’ve actually been thinking about writing about this topic for a long time and I’m glad the time has finally, randomly come. So, I’m sitting alone in this mini vegan/vegetarian restaurant. As I said, I was finishing my burger, staring out of the window hoping I don’t look weird. I take out my laptop because I’m inspired and want to write. I’m curious to know what people think; not worried or anxious just curious; which is great, right? Now, what’s so weird about spending time alone somewhere? Do you ever do that? I don’t leave the house a lot, I go to college, I go to the grocery store, to the mall which is a 15 minute walk from home and that’s pretty much it, I don’t really go to cafes and sit by myself like this. I was in the city because I had to get some work done and I had some extra time before getting more work done so I said to myself: ”I feel like eating a burger, let’s go for a burger.” I came here, enjoyed my burger and that’s it. The place feels good, I like it and it doesn’t feel weird to me. I decided to write about this because it’s much more than just going to a restaurant and eating a burger. Two years ago, I couldn’t even imagine sitting alone somewhere besides public transport, surrounded by a bunch of people. I couldn’t imagine eating in front of people. I never even considered going to a cafe and have a meal; every time I left the house, I wanted to go back home as soon as possible because it was the only place that felt comfortable. And now I’m here writing this story and I’m happy because I realize that this is exactly what progress looks like. You slowly notice that some things don’t cause you negative emotions anymore. You notice you’re able to do a lot more than you used to. I finished my meal, I’m minding my own business, and there is nothing to worry about. And it’s great not to worry all the time. I also got a really good grade for my essay, which helps me with my fear of failure and that’s also great. Now I’m heading to the orphanage where I hope I’ll be chosen as a volunteer, which I’ve been wanting to do since high school. I’m having a good day and oh lord, it’s a breath of fresh air. It’s so nice to have a good day, it feels unreal. It’s been hard for a long time now so I really appreciate days like these. I must not forget that I can have days like these a lot more often if I don’t allow negative stuff to control my life. Negative stuff happens all the time, it’s inevitable, but it can be just a part of your day instead of your entire day. Point of this story: spend more time doing what you love and pay attention to the bits of your progress more. I definitely will. 

Til next time,

♡ Albesa

What’s been going on with me lately

Wednesday / December 18, 2019

I’ve been having some of the hardest times of my life. I don’t know which one I should say: too much is going on or nothing is going on at all? I’ve felt down most of my day for the past 2 months, I’m not being productive, I’m not doing what I love, I’m not taking proper care of myself. I have no idea which direction my life is taking, I don’t have my priorities straight and my energy is low. I’m so incredibly exhausted and lost. I don’t think I’ve ever felt like this. I used to suffer from severe depression and anxiety. It was either dying slowly day by day or getting out of bed to save myself. So I grabbed myself by the hand, got a job, started going to therapy and I got better. I try to remember if it was as bad as it is now but I really don’t know, I don’t think it was. On the other hand, even though I still suffer from anxiety quite often, I wouldn’t say I’m depressed anymore. Compared to about a year and a half ago, I’m able to be much more productive, get a considerable amount of work done and my cognitive abilities have improved. But what is this? Why am I not getting any work done then? Is it a crisis, a phase or what? I’m constantly at war with myself. I’m constantly at war with my family members who don’t understand the negative impact that our daily fights have on me. I’ve been struggling to have a proper conversation with myself which is awful because those always help me see things more clearly. It’s like I have a gray cloud above my head, full of negativity, doubt, fear and overthinking. I know it happens to everyone and that when this happens, it’s beneficial to take a step back and breathe for a second but I’m just really afraid of not being able to live the life I want to live and be the person that I truly am. I’m afraid I won’t be able to do good in college and that makes me upset because I truly care about it. How do I grab myself by the hand again? I want to be there for myself. I want to be able to say ‘I got this’ when days like these come. I feel so much better now that I’m writing about all of this. Writing always helps, expressing myself through letters has a therapeutic effect on me. It’s a part of my soul which I really want to share with the world someday. See? It’s not that I don’t know what I want at all; it’s the fear that is holding me back. Yes, some things I have yet to figure out but the things that I already know, I don’t want to keep them waiting because the more they wait the more miserable I get. I don’t want to be miserable so I better grab myself by the hand the way I grab this laptop and have a serious, open and honest chat with myself. It’s about time to give myself a break with all this negativity and start believing in myself a little more again. What I’ve been through this year has never happened to me before, it’s been painful, heartbreaking, confusing. I’m still processing my grandma’s death. Sometimes it hits me in the middle of the day, sometimes it hits me in the middle of the night, regardless, when it happens, the only thing I’m able to do is be sad. It’s only been 6 months since she died. I need more time for being this version of myself that I am right now; sad, heartbroken, lost. I allow myself to be this version of myself and I forgive myself for not reaching my full potential. I’m happy I still choose to keep waking up and deal with whatever the new day might bring. It’s never easy but it’s the only way to do it. I’m in pain, but I’m also learning, growing and improving. Next time a crisis like this comes, I’ll know what to do. And for this one, I guess I’m just gonna give myself some time and space and let the toxicity and sadness get out of my body one day at a time. I’ll soon get done all the work that is waiting for me but right now, I guess I’m gonna figure it out one day by day. I have my fingers crossed for all of us. I have to wake up in about 5 hours so I guess that’s a wrap for this story. 

Sending love and light to whoever might need it.

Til next time,

♡ Albesa

What can you do about it when there’s nothing you can do about it?

Thursday / December 5, 2019

I sometimes feel like I don’t have much to say, but the second I sit down to write and reflect on my thoughts, I realize just how much I have to talk about and how much I need to express how I’m feeling. I feel like my most authentic self when I’m sitting down like this, writing and expressing my thoughts without shame, guilt or looking back. It’s in me to talk, it’s in me to acknowledge what I tried to keep to myself for years and years. It’s in me to let people know that their feelings are valid. The things that bring me peace and joy, the things that break my heart, thanks to years of learning and therapy, I’ve learned to welcome it all. I’ve learned to validate my feelings as they are, without trying to make them more beautiful or more bearable. I don’t know who’s gonna read this but you’re not alone. It took me a while to change the way I thought of things, it took me a while to understand something so simple yet so important: you decide what you’re gonna do with the things that happen to you. You decide whether you’re gonna stay bitter and mad about it or open your heart, your mind, and your soul in order to understand that there is a lot to learn. Yes, things are uncomfortable, things are heavy, we feel bad because of everything that’s going on, there is no question about it, but the key is in the way we respond. Have you ever felt yourself getting even worse because you’ve been focusing on the negative so much? My dear people: a lot of things that happen are not in our control. When you’re not in charge of the situation, take a few deep breaths, and be kind to yourself more than ever. Let yourself know that not everything is your responsibility. Even when something very bad is happening, you still have so much to be grateful for. I disagree with my family in most cases, we also argue a lot, it makes me sad that we don’t understand each other more. After years and years of trying to find a way to communicate more effectively, I realized there was only one option left: to accept my family the way it is and stop forcing them to understand what I’m trying to say or how I’m feeling. After all the fights and failed communication, I understood that sometimes we’re just too different to meet in the middle. We spend so much time wondering why do things have to be like this or like that, why is this happening to me, why, why, why, endless whys. I’ve written in one of my stories that life is a perfect mixture of sweet dreams and a chaotic rush, and I couldn’t agree with myself more. We choose what we focus on, we choose if we’re gonna rush around the chaos more or keep our mind busy thinking about the sweet dreams more. I hope you understand the point of this story; whatever happens to you or around you, believe me, you’re still gonna be just fine. You’re gonna find a way to cope with everything that breaks your heart. The whys are gonna fade away from your mind and you’re gonna start embracing life the way it is. This is coming from someone who was depressed for 5 years. I was always at war with myself because I struggled to accept things I couldn’t do anything about. I knew that a lot of things that happened weren’t okay, a lot of people mistreated me and I never did what I felt in heart, I did what I thought was safe. But not standing up for yourself isn’t safe. Confrontations might feel terrifying but it’s a must to let people know how they made you feel. Allow yourself to be sad, mad, and angry but also know that the only thing you’re in charge of is your mindset; I constantly remind myself about that. I disagree with my family, but I can’t change the way they think. After all these years of trying to be on the same page with them, and not succeeding due to our differences, I’ve chosen to just focus on the fact that I have a family and that we’re all healthy. There is nothing else I can do about it except appreciate it the way it is. And it’s pretty much like that with a lot of things in life. It might sound strange but you can actually appreciate what you don’t understand, you just have to give yourself the chance to learn to do that. Every day is a chance to start over, every day is a chance to start doing what’s good for you. Be kind to yourself. Slow down with the endless whys and be more grateful. Someday it will all make sense, someday you will know all the answers. Until then, keep trying, keep going, keep learning. Day by day. 

We got this.

♡ Albesa

The precious truth

Thursday / November 28, 2019

It’s almost 6 AM and I haven’t slept a single bit yet. I don’t know if I should love or hate nights like these. Hate because they’re painful and long; love because they remind me of how strong I am. Let me tell you something: I haven’t been doing my best. I feel low, betrayed and mistreated. Mostly by myself; you know why? Because even though I put so much hard work into learning to genuinely respect and value myself, even though I know what I deserve, I always try so hard to convince myself to give people a chance, to give people some time and space. And you know what happens? I end up damaging myself by trying to accept the unacceptable. I end up taking too much, I end up tolerating too much. I’m learning to trust that feeling you get in your stomach when you know that something just isn’t right. I’m learning to react on time, and act according to that feeling. I’m learning to react before I get consumed by whatever it is that’s going on in the moment, whether it’s good or bad. I want to rest. I want to breathe. I want to say ‘no’ every time I know it’s the right thing to do. I also want to say yes to whatever brings me joy no matter the fear that is always present. I don’t want to take less/more than I give. I don’t want to give more than they deserve and end up feeling empty. I want to get what I always give: the truth. Because telling the truth also means respect. It also means empathy. It means so much! I’m always learning. I’m getting somewhere. This is all a part of it. There is so much left to learn but if there’s one thing that I know for sure, it has to be this: no matter if it’s good or bad, telling the truth will be always and forever be the best thing you can do for yourself and others.

I can handle these nights. I can wake up and carry on with gratitude. I can to survive whatever life puts me through. I choose to survive. I choose to keep learning. And I hope you do too.

To be continued.

♡ Albesa

Grandma and her response

Wednesday / November 13, 2019 

I’m sitting in the backyard of my house here in Kosovo trying to remember everything I want to write about in this story. It’s pretty surreal that I’m even here at this time of the year. It’s my last day today so I wanted to take the chance and write about this experience before I hit the road to go back to Croatia. Anyway, let’s get into the story. I think I’ve written about Kosovo before, and how for me, the main reason for coming here has always been my grandma. She passed away 5 months ago and I was afraid of coming here knowing that she is no longer here to wait for me. I dreamt of my grandma every other day for almost a month so I took that as a sign that I really, really needed to talk to her. So I decided to do what I was so afraid of. I decided to come to Kosovo and face her death. I went to her house, sat where we always used to sit, remembered how kind she was, remembered how she talked, remembered the way she walked. She was so loving and so loved I often think about how unfair it is that she suffered so much throughout her life. I visited her grave yesterday. I told her a lot of things, and for a tiny moment, I let myself get carried away. For a tiny moment, I felt like she was there, listening to me carefully,  I felt like she was there, paying attention to what I was saying. What if she really was there though? I don’t remember the last time I cried and laughed at the same time like that, it was incredibly relieving. It’s unbelievable that I have to go to that sad place in order to talk to her, but I’m so glad I did it. The heavy weight on my chest was starting to become unbearable. I had to get things out of my chest, I had to tell her how much I love her. I had to apologize, I had to tell her that I’m sorry for not calling her more often, for not spending more time with her when I was in Kosovo. I’m sorry for not having celebrated a single birthday with her. But no matter how sorry I am, I can’t go back in time and change things. It is what it is, so it’s better to try and make peace with it somehow. I’m in peace because she knew how much I loved her, at least I hope she did. She truly was and will forever be my biggest love and inspiration. If the afterlife exists, I hope she’s in a peaceful place where she’s able to rest how she deserves. Everything beautiful reminds me of her. Every ray of sunshine reminds me of her. She was a light that you only meet once in a lifetime but keeps you warm and enlightened for the rest of your life. I have to go back to Croatia in a couple hours, but I already can’t wait to come to Kosovo and visit her again. As much as it breaks my heart that I can’t hug her, hold her hand and give her a kiss anymore, just knowing that I got to experience that kind of love fills me with so much love and warmth. I was afraid to come here but I survived. I was afraid of not getting a response from my grandma, but I don’t think that happened. I got a lot of responses. I didn’t hear her voice, I didn’t touch her but I feel close to her. I feel peace. I feel optimistic about life. Does that count as a response too?

I’m heartbroken but I’m also incredibly grateful. 

Gjyshe t’du shume!!!

♡ Albesa

 

Kind of all over the place

Tuesday / November 5, 2019

I’ve been wanting to sit down and write for days and days now. So many feelings have been combined, so many emotions, I just don’t know what to write, what to say, how to compose a story and make it make sense. But you can’t wait until it makes sense; who knows if it ever will? It’s been a month since college started. I’m very content with it, the energy around me is good and I feel okay when I’m there. My classes don’t take my entire day so I’m really happy that I have enough time for the other things I love doing. On the other hand, my lack of motivation, willingness, and energy has become concerning. I haven’t studied at all. I haven’t slept properly in more than a month; to say that I’m exhausted is an understatement. I know I’m anxious, sad, stressed and still very numb from my grandma’s death but how come I still have enough energy to stand on my feet; I’m truly surprised. I visited the doctor yesterday and I’ve been told I’ll have to do some brain scans to find out where the problem is. I hope everything is okay and that I’ll be able to sleep well and function normally as soon as possible. This past month has also been strange for another reason. I’ve been experiencing something I’ve never experienced before and it’s just, I don’t know, strange (to say the least)!!! Things I never thought could happen, things I never expected to happen are happening. I don’t wanna talk about it too much, we’ll see what happens; I’ll definitely write about it again sometime soon and reveal more about it. I celebrated my 22nd birthday a few days ago. I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned but I really don’t like it when it’s my birthday. Some intense nostalgia occurs and I feel lost. It must be because I had a very good childhood and things are nothing like that now. Everything, literally everything has changed and I can’t help but miss those carefree days sometimes. Days when I didn’t know the painful truth, days when I hadn’t lost anyone, days when I thought a lot of people had my back. Those days are gone but I’m still here. And right now right here, where I am now, I must push myself harder than ever and survive, like I always have. There is no going back to ‘the good old days’, the only possibility I have is to take care of the days that are about to come and make them somewhat beautiful. I think I’ll be traveling to Kosovo on Friday. I feel the heavy weight on my chest caused by the struggle to accept grandma’s death. I need to talk to her. I need to survive not getting a response. Because that’s the truth, and I always want to know the truth, no matter how painful it is. I can take it, I don’t really have an option, do I?

Life is full of ups and downs. Give yourself a break, things will get better.

We got this.

♡ Albesa

 

To everyone battling with mental illness

Thursday / October 10, 2019, / World mental health day

If I knew this about two and a half years ago when my depression was at its highest point, I would have saved myself from a lot of sleepless nights full of overthinking, pain, and fear. I can’t go back and be there for my 19-year-old college drop-out, depressed self, but as someone who made it out of the dark room, this is what I have to say to you. Keep these words somewhere in your mind; try to create an idea out of them. Okay?

There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing to be ashamed of. What the society around you thinks/says about your mental illness is due to ignorance; don’t take it personally. You’re still the same person, with the same qualities, the same values, you’re still as worthy as you were before. Allow yourself to be a complete mess. Allow yourself not to know what to do. Allow yourself to fail. Allow yourself to be whoever you need to be at the moment. Allow yourself to ask for help. But never allow yourself to think that this is it, that your life is over, that things will never be ‘normal’ again or that this is what God, destiny or the universe has planned for you because it really isn’t. There’s so much more to life than wanting to disappear or sleep your pain out. There’s no sleep long enough that makes it better. It only gets better when you grab yourself by the hand and decide to try, try and try, all the time, every day. That’s what life actually is. Things don’t work right away, but you eventually become braver and braver as you challenge yourself to try again. Carry your fear with you, and get out there along with it. I know you feel terrified and think you might die but that thought is not true, not at all. You’re gonna be just fine; that fear of yours is not as strong as you think it is, trust me on this one. Slow down, and breathe. Trust the process. Little by little, day by day, things will start making sense again. 

I root for every single one of you who gets to read this story.

You got this. 

♡ Albesa

Is life doing me a favor?

 Monday / October 7, 2019

It’s almost 4 AM and I have to wake up pretty early but I’m struggling to fall asleep. My mind feels crazy. My thoughts are everywhere and nowhere at the same time. I feel so lost and so empty it’s really hard to put it into words. It’s been hard. I try to be that person who has their shit together most of the time but the truth is that I’m far away from that. I fall apart quite often. And honestly, I feel like it’s necessary at this point. I’ve taken so much of everything that came my way and it has become too much a long time ago. I am by no mean trying to keep myself together anymore. I’ve been letting myself be broken, sad, angry no matter how uncomfortable I am with those feelings. This entire year has been quite challenging, especially these past few months. From losing my grandma who meant the absolute world to me, to going separate ways with my best friend after 8 years of friendship to struggling to maintain my mental health to eating disorders to endless family dramas that drain my energy on a daily basis. I feel like I should be writing about college and how happy I am to be back in class and, as much as I really am happy about it, I haven’t had the chance to enjoy it quite yet. I started going to the gym a few days before college started and it felt  amazing. I hadn’t felt like myself in ages and it took me 3 days of gym to change that for the better. It gave me so much mental strength, I really started feeling like my life actually can make sense. I felt happy, responsible and strong. I felt like a true fighter. Only 3 days of training, can you imagine?! But as life likes to test my patience apparently, on my first day of college, my leg started to hurt, just like it did in 2017 and 2018. So I had no other option than to stop going to the gym. Right when I made that big step, right when I took my anxiety by the hand and decided to go to the gym along with it, I was obligated to stop. Right when I started putting in the work in improving myself, I started feeling lost with myself again. My leg pain got so bad; to the point where I go to college just to count down the minutes till’ I get to go home. And this pain that came out of nowhere right when things started falling into it’s place, made me so incredibly angry and bitter about life. It took me a lot of courage to go to college again, it took me a lot of courage to start going to the gym and I’m mad because it seems like the universe just prefers the miserable version of me. I just don’t understand. How and why does everything in my life have to be messy? Why does life keep testing me as if I’m someone who can handle much more than what I’ve already handled? And what if it’s true? What if I’m really, really strong and life wants me to recognize that by putting me through these situations? What if this is the universe trying to show me how capable I am? What if this is the way to finally stop doubting myself?

Sending lots of love and light to whoever might need it, including myself.

♡ Albesa

A little something that’s good for everyone

Friday / September 20, 2019

 I turned on my laptop all motivated and inspired to write but I ended up sitting in front of my computer jamming to some really shitty Albanian songs for about two hours instead. As much as I think some of those songs are really shitty, I must admit they’re my guilty pleasure, hehe lol. I’m quite tired, and in desperate need of sleep but I have a few things to talk about so I guess we’re staying up late today. Anyway. My dear people, let me be honest and tell you that this month has been so shitty and so hard that I literally don’t know which words to use in order to describe it properly. I’ve been led by madness, sadness, traumas, disappointments and what not. It’s been hard ever since grandma died, three months ago. Shitty days are extra shitty now because I can’t call her and tell her about it anymore. My friends are amazing and I’m thankful for them but everyone is quite busy nowadays and it happens that right when I’m in a crisis, none is available. I’m not the best communicator either, sometimes I keep stuff to myself so that it doesn’t get too much for them, which is wrong because it’s not up to me to decide how much can any of them take. From now on, I’ll try to be even more honest and even more open about how I’m doing and when I’m not doing good, that’s exactly what I’m gonna say. Sorry best friends, your girl can’t have a good time all the time. Jokes aside, I only have one more week of work left. I’ve been working for 5 months now, doing the same exact thing every single day. It has gotten so boring that at this point, I count down the minutes till’ I get to go home from the moment I step into the office. Wow, that sounds so bad. I’m still gonna miss it though. College starts in 9 days, my anxiety is already peeking through but this time, my anxiety is gonna be my companion, not my enemy. My anxiety and I are gonna get out there and make the most out of it together. It’s a part of me, it’s a part of who I am, and it’s about time to stop fighting it and just accept the fact that it’s always gonna be somewhere near me. I think it’s a better idea to start trying to get along with it instead of wishing it could go away. I believe it’s gonna be okay. So, I’ve been thinking about publishing my blog on Instagram, share all of this with the world on there but I still haven’t found the courage to do it. The thought of everyone knowing what happened to me, and what has been happening to me is just so scary. On the other hand, I know for sure it would help people feel less alone and more understood. I’m sure there are a lot of people struggling with something and they probably think it’s something to be ashamed of and that’s exactly why I would want to talk about things so openly. I want to contribute to normalizing talking about mental health, especially when it comes to Albanians. I’ve written about it before, mental health is not a topic that Albanians often discuss. And it should be because the mentality that has been passed on from generation to generation has left people suffering their entire life. I was born and raised outside of Kosovo where my parents are from, however, our household is a typical Albanian household. Even though we live in a place that is completely different from it, my parents have kept that same mentality and haven’t really opened their minds to stuff they’ve never heard about before. In my story, that’s where not talking about emotions comes from. I never did it when I was younger. I was literally born convincing myself that everything was fine and even if something wasn’t fine at all, I always ended up leaving it somewhere behind. Over the years, it became too much, and everything that I ever left in the back of my mind, all of a sudden became what occupied my mind the most. And it became painful. It made me suffer. My mom would ask me what’s wrong but how do you explain to your mom that the child inside of you has had enough? How do you explain that the adult you isn’t doing good in college because of anxiety? She would probably ask ‘where the hell is this coming from?’ without realizing that it’s something that’s been developing for years and years. So I started talking. My parents haven’t really changed, but I’m in peace because I’m doing something good now. Even though it’s not really comfortable, I’m allowing myself to express how I feel. I talk about emotions all the time. I talk about good times and bad times and how it’s all a part of life which we can learn something from. My mom kinda loves it because I sound like an old lady which I probably am deep down. No matter where you come from or where you live, mental health and mental illness is an important topic that should be regularly discussed. By talking about it, we can make a huge change. We can make it become ‘a thing’. It can happen to anyone, anytime, so please make this world safe enough to allow people to express their pain without shame. Pain is inevitable, in one way or another. Respect it, listen to it, learn from it, and don’t judge people for it. And even if you do judge, I kindly ask you to keep it to yourself.  Next time you ask someone ‘how are you’ be open to hearing the answer ‘not so good’. You know why? Because when the person is done saying ‘I’m fine’ they’re doing something really badass! They’re admitting they’re not doing good and that’s exactly what the first step to getting better is. Things can get so much better. And they can get much better by just being there for each other. So be there for each other. Listen. There’s no need for words, just for real presence. 

Be present. And most of all, be honest. 

To be continued. 

Goodnight.

♡ Albesa 

Because of my grandma

 Saturday / August 17, 2019

What I had with my grandma, I can not have with anyone else and I don’t even want to. What I can and will do is take pieces of it and reflect it on my other relationships. I will pour pure love, trust, and support into my relationships, just like my grandma did. The people in my life will always know they’re loved and supported, just like I knew I was with my grandma. My grandma was a true light, not only for me but for many other people. She was a light that you only meet once in a lifetime, but is strong enough to keep you going even after it’s gone. My grandma showed me what it’s like to love and be loved properly, and only now do I realize she did me a lifetime favor. Because of her, and her beautiful mind, I have a lifetime learning source. Because of her, I’m able to recognize true love and support. Because of her, I’m able to respect myself and kindly walk away from things that are no longer healthy for me. I keep going pretty bravely because I have you to guide me through our memories. I keep believing I’ll be just fine because I have your words to remember when I don’t know what to do.

This entire life won’t be enough to express how much I miss you.

Gjyshe t’du shume.

*This story was inspired by today’s dream. I decided to keep the details to myself, but still share and praise what my grandma and I had with you reading this.

♡ Albesa

Today (it’s fine)

[9:27 PM / Monday / July 29, 2019]

I have so much to say, so much to express, so much to write about. I don’t exactly know what it is; I could try to explain it for days and days but I don’t think I would succeed. I remember I once wrote in one of my stories, how I didn’t want to write about sadness anymore. I remember how big my wish to write about happiness was. Looking back, it seems like, at the time, I naively believed that things would get better, and I’d start writing about happy things only. But it’s never just happiness or sadness. There are so many things in between those two; so much hard work, so much energy, so much fear, doubt, pain, so many failures, and trials, so many tears, both happy ones, and sad ones. Life is just so unpredictable, so strange and quite short actually. We pay so much attention to things that damage us, we care so much about people who couldn’t care less about us, we treat ourselves poorly, and give too much to others. We want more all the time. But more of what? Let me tell you about myself and what I want more of. I want more peace, genuine peace and harmony around and within myself. I want genuine people and genuine relationships where we mutually bring out the best out of each other. I want to believe in myself. I don’t want to feel tired. I want to rest when I know it’s necessary. I’m finally learning to do that. What does that mean?  I’ve always tried so hard. I tried hard to keep things together so they wouldn’t fall apart even more. I tried hard to be there for people while I had no idea where I was myself. I’m trying hard not to be devastated by the truth. I’m trying harder than ever, and it’s working, little by little, day by day. I’m more aware of my days now. I’m more aware of myself now. I don’t take  this day for granted. I’m just another human. I can’t take as much as I used to think I had to take. I’m trying not to carry other people’s troubles anymore. You can love people without pressuring yourself to solve all of their problems. Being there with/for them is enough. You can love people without trying to say something in order to console them. We don’t always have the right words to say, but listening is more powerful than talking anyway.  Take a step back and revalue yourself, your life, your environment. We should all focus more on ourselves, improving our overall quality of life and make the most out of it today and every day. Today is our reality. We have so many dreams, visions and plans yet we dare to risk and leave them for tomorrow. Why? What is it about tomorrow? You are here, right now, today. Make an impact today. Do something good today. I’m grateful that I’m here. I’m grateful for pushing myself to be and do better every day. I’m happy that I’m motivated to progress. Don’t expect life to be black or white. Here is an example: I honestly don’t like my job that much this year, however, on the bright side, it really brought me many amazing things. It makes me get out of bed, and continue living so I don’t get consumed by the pain brought by my grandma’s death, it makes me be brave, it makes me confront my anxiety, I’m able to earn my own money, afford therapy, learn new things, and develop new business skills. It teaches me responsibility and time management which I’ll also need once October comes and I’m back in college (which I also paid with the money I earned doing the job I don’t like.) It all pays off somehow, but it also depends on what you’re focused on. If I could  advise you anything, I’d advise you to lower your expectations. Some things are gonna take longer than you ever thought they would, some things are gonna begin, and some are end. It’s all okay. Instead of being bitter, try finding something to learn from it. Just try, just consider this idea. Take some time to stop and breathe, be grateful, do your thing, count your blessings, mind your own business and life will seem brighter itself. Your stories will become happier, just like mine are.

This story is kinda all over the place. I don’t know the point of it but it’s still pretty much okay though, right?

Take care of yourself.

♡ Albesa

Second chances: college

[11:28 PM / Thursday / July 18, 2019]

What a day it has been. A day depressed Albesa from two years ago thought would never ever come. I got accepted to college today. I really got accepted to college today. I start classes in October. I’m gonna be studying social work, which is basically a mixture of psychology, family law and human’s rights. And it’s unbelieavble. It feels surreal. I’ve written about my past college experience before, I’ve written about how I had to drop out in order to focus on my mental health, I’ve written about college and education in general, and now I’m here writing about it again, and this time, writing about it makes me happy. This time, my words about college don’t sound like they’ve been taken from some ancient tragedy. This time, I’m writing about it full of hope and dreams. My past college experience was painful. It left me with a lot of self-doubt. Going back to college feels terrifying. I’m afraid it won’t turn out as I imagine it. I’m afraid of ‘failing’ like I did last time. But I have to remind myself that I’m not that person from two years ago. I managed to survive those dark days. I’m managing to survive these dark days too. I’m scared but this wish to try again, is just so, so big. This amount of willingness inside of me is surprisingly big. I have no idea where it’s coming from. Or maybe I do. I have a vision. A vision that makes me go for it no matter how far away it may seem. No matter how hard times could get. I have a vision, a dream which I found when my first college journey ended. This is my second chance. Thanks to that first awful experience, I’m at a place where I’ve actually always wanted to be. I’ll study as hard as I can. I know it won’t be easy but I have nothing to complain about. I don’t want to complain. I want to take care of my energy and spirit. I refuse to talk negatively. I just want to be grateful. Not everyone gets a second chance. And I’m not talking about college only; I’m talking about life in general. Two years ago, I thought I was gonna die in my sleep because of how severe my depression was at that time. Two years ago, I hardly saw any light. Speaking of today, all I can say is that I’m trying, I’m alive, and healthy, despite these hard and painful days without my grandma. Sad things happen all the time but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m beyond blessed. One door closes, another one opens. Mine took two years to open again. In those two years, I’ve grown, matured, got stronger, took my pain and learned to exchange it for patience, every single day. And now I’m here, ready to begin another journey, which will hopefully have a happy ending. A journey which will end up with me being able to help people. That’s all I want to do. 

My dear people, 

there isn’t a single thing in life that comes easy, especially not achieving your dreams. Give yourself some time and space to heal. The time you take for healing is not wasted. It’s necessary because only when you’re healing, you’re actually able to see what you’re capable of. And you’re capable of so, so much. Give yourself a break so you can help, see, hear and feel yourself properly. 

♡ Albesa

Nostalgia, melancholy, grandma

[9:06 PM / Monday / July 8, 2019]

It’s been raining for a couple hours now. I was  anxiously staring through the window trying to catch some breath and it seemed like the trees where breathing in and breathing out. It was strange and amazing, I’ve never seen anything like that before. Anyway. Things haven’t been the best for a long time now, but life is just so empty ever since grandma died. It has become hard to wake up and feel the willingness to start the day. I don’t know if it makes me more happy or more sad, but I often look at old photos so I can go back to those days when I didn’t even want to go to sleep because of how much I enjoyed life all the time. My big family meant the world to me, my siblings, my cousins, all growing up in the same house filled with so much love and joy. We started dealing with bullies at a young age, but we had each other so we managed to make our days in Croatia pretty good. Summer vacations in Kosovo at grandma’s house were amazing. I don’t remember questioning where my home was. My home was wherever I went because I was surrounded by so much love and light. I had something to look forward to every day. And now, where am I now? I’m surrounded by a lot people but I’m actually on my own, trying to survive these sad days somehow. Trying to find an explanation even though I know I’m not gonna find it. Everyone is so distant. Every little thing has changed. I wish I could say for the better. That big amount of joy I used to feel, got completely replaced by misery. And it’s unbelieavble. It’s devastating.  We’ve all gone our separate ways, we barely talk. Only me and my cousin Flor have maintained the relationship we’ve always had. Where is everyone else? Weren’t we all best friends or something? Everyone started growing up and leaving. One by one. Suddenly, it became more important to show off to the world. Suddenly, it became easy to criticize each other without even asking ‘what’s going on?’ Suddenly, it became cool to pretend you don’t know your own sibling. We’ve been raised with the theory that family is everything. I’ve never liked theories. I’ve never liked words. Where is my dad? Can my dad talk to me for a minute? Where is my brother? Driving around with his friends in his brand new expensive car while our mom is waiting for him to come home from work? My mom’s worried face breaks my heart but there is nothing I can do because I’m not her big son and, that’s who she misses the most. I wonder if I’m the only one who would rather go back in time and be how we used to be than stay in this sad reality? Life goes on and it’s gonna be okay but I can’t help but wonder; is everyone really having so much fun? Is anyone as nostalgic as I am? Can someone tell me a way to cope? Can grandma come back to life so I can count the days til I get to see her? Can grandma come back to life so I can call her and tell her about my day?

My biggest love, my inspiration, my sunshine. My biggest truth in life.

Send me some light so I can carry on.

I miss you so much.

♡ ♡ ♡ Albesa

Me, my mother and grandma

[10:25 PM / Thursday / June 27, 2019]

I’ve had this heavy feeling inside my chest ever since grandma died. I haven’t slept properly since grandma died. I want to see her so badly, but she is nowhere to be seen, not even in my dreams. Why? Nothing helps. Right now, it seems like it’s only getting harder as time is passing by. I still can’t believe it. I still don’t understand it. My heart is heavy, full of sadness. I can only imagine how painful it will be to go back to her house and not have her give me a warm welcome hug. All of my memories with her will run through my brain and I will fall apart, again and again and again. I will fall apart wanting to go back to my wonderful childhood at grandma’s house. And I know it’s okay. I allow myself to fall apart because it’s a part of my realest self; to fall apart and pick myself up again. It’s actually what I’m very good at. But how can I pick up my dear mother? My mother whose sad eyes break my heart into a million tiny pieces of pain. My mother who has lived her entire life missing her mother because she lived miles and miles away from us. My mother who hasn’t slept properly for months now because she didn’t want her mother to die alone? Oh dear mother, your mother is gone and as much as it hurts, we have to keep going. Dear mother, your wonderful mother, my wonderful grandma, always wanted us to be happy. So that’s what we have to strive for. We will go through this pain together, and help each other get used to it. Mother, you are heartbroken; I can see it and feel it even though you’re trying to keep yourself together so I don’t break down. But mother you don’t have to worry about me. You don’t have to keep your pain to yourself. Let it out mother. I understand you. Mother I have my own pain to deal with but your pain seems even heavier. Mother, let me carry a little bit of your pain so it’s not too heavy for you. Mother, give me your pain so I can turn it into love and give it back to you. Mother I love you, but I’ll never be able to love you like grandma did. Not that I don’t want to but because grandma loved everyone in a way no one else ever could. I’m an ordinary person and grandma was everything but ordinary.

We miss you grandma.

♡ ♡ ♡ Albesa

Grandma

[11:02 PM / Monday / June 17, 2019]

What a day it has been. A day I knew was about to come but never knew how painful it could be. A day so long I feel like it has lasted a thousand years. Grandma is gone. My wonderful grandma is gone. This level of pain is paralyzing. I’m speechless. I can’t believe. I still can’t believe. I don’t know which words to use because nothing comes close to how I’m feeling right now. I try not to fall apart but the more I try the more I fail. I’m devastated. I’m heartbroken. I’ve been waiting for this ever since she got hospitalized two months ago. I didn’t want her to suffer so I thought of death as a good option for her. But there is no coming back from death. There is no coming back once your heart stops beating. I’m speechless, shocked, scared, broken…She meant so much to me. She meant the absolute world to me. An entire world in one person. She was so loving, so kind, so soft, so wonderful. She was so pure. She was amazing. And I, I’m trying to remember the words she would say to me when I’d call her and tell her that I’m sad. She had a wonderful voice, a wonderful mind that would calm down the storm inside my head. Who am I going to call now? Who is ever gonna love me so much? Who am I ever gonna love so much? I miss her so much already and I just said the final goodbye to her. I’m at her house here in Kosovo. The house seems empty without her. There are so many people around me but the only thing I notice is her absence. I live in Croatia so I grew up being excited about summer and my trip to Kosovo because I knew someone was waiting for me here. Someone was waiting for me with a lot of excitment. Who is gonna wait for me now? The cold walls of my empty house? I hope time helps me heal. I hope time takes away some of the heavy weight from my chest. I don’t know what to say. I hope my wonderful grandma knows I’ll never forget about her. I hope my wonderful grandma knows how much I loved her. I hope she knows how much she has helped by just being my grandma. I will always remember you, I will include bits of you in everything I’ll do in life. I don’t know what to say anymore. I know you wouldn’t want me to be sad but this time, I will not be able to listen to you because this time, I have no one who’s words sound promising. I miss you so much already. I love you so much and I’ll love you more and more and more as I grow older. Thank you for my wonderful mother and all these cute cousins. Thank you for loving me so much and thank you for giving me the chance to love you back. I hope you never give up on me. I’ll be counting on your help from above.

♡ Albesa

(Un)healthy perfectionism

[7:59 PM / Tuesday / June 11, 2019]

I’m struggling to convert my feelings into words right now and I really wish someone could get inside my brain for a bit and see what’s going on. There is so much stuff I’ve been thinking about lately. I’m confused, lost, sad, happy, excited; all at the same time. As I’ve written in my previous stories, I started going to therapy again. Therapy is a very eye-opening experience for me and even though I don’t notice it right away, I learn so much about myself with every session. Our main focus this year is me and my relationship with myself which has been damaged over the past few years. I’m someone who,  unfortunately, still struggles with anxiety and unhealthy habits. I try to be kind to myself, and it does wonders, however, my fear, my doubt, my disbelief in myself ruin my wellbeing on a daily basis. I’m a perfectionist and I’m extremely self-critical, which makes my life complicated. No matter what I do, I always feel like I could have done better and even when something turns out really, really good, better than I expected, I never give credit to myself for that. Here’s a perfect example: last year, I applied for a job which among other requirements, required being fluent in Albanian. I applied, got invited for an interview and got the job. I worked for 4 months only, but my results were, according to my manager, beyond than expected. I would always get told to be proud of myself and that I was really good at what I was doing. My 4-month contract ended and even though I know how hard I worked, I always thought I got the job only because I was fluent in Albanian. I never once thought about the fact that I got the job because of my positive spirit,  great communication skills, and speaking three other languages. I had more to offer than just my Albanian and people around me saw that, but I didn’t. I applied this year too and got the job once again. My therapist told me the other day ‘there are many Albanians in Croatia Albesa, but they wanted you, and you should feel free to clap for yourself, you deserve it.’ True, there are a lot of Albanians in Croatia, I know, but ever since I left college to recover from depression, it’s been hard for me to believe that I can actually succeed at something. The fear of failure is so strong and so discouraging it makes me feel helpless. But then again, when I think about things in a different way, in a way that is good for me, when I put my past experiences behind, it feels surreal but I’m really able to see my abilities. I really don’t suck at everything (wow did I just say that?) I’m learning to appreciate myself, what I do, be aware of my qualities and be proud of myself. I’m learning to see and believe that I’m actually good at a lot of things. Yes, there’s always room for improvement but that has nothing to do with feeling like you’re not good enough. Room for improvement means good but can also be better and that’s exactly how I want to see myself; good but constantly doing better. That’s the kind of perfectionist I’m striving to be, a healthy perfectionist. 

I’m taking it day by day, one step at a time. It’s not easy but I know I’ll be just fine. I’m already feeling better just by writing about all of this. Here’s to many more stories, happy ones, sad ones, whatever. I often don’t believe it but I’m strong enough to handle it all, and my dear people, so are you.

Albesa

 

Alive

[1:36 PM / Saturday / May 11, 2019.]

I found myself walking down the same street I used to walk every day about three years ago, and I remembered how different life was back then. Things I never thought would happen to me, things I never thought I would be okay with, things I never thought I would get over were on my mind all day that day; I felt like I got sent back in time. Now that I’m writing about it, I can’t help but wonder; how would my life look like if certain things, both good and bad,  didn’t happen? But then again, I ask  myself, what’s the point of doing that when I know I can’t change anything. I don’t know if it’s destiny, karma, the universe or just a coincidence. Maybe it only happens to the ones who can make the most out of it. But does it even matter? I don’t think it does since I’m here, alive, healthy and breathing. I’m learning, growing, and improving day by day. I’m trying not to question everything. I’m very grateful. I’ve even found the courage to talk about all of this, which I never thought I would. I’m not ashamed like I thought I would be. What is even there to be ashamed of; all I’m talking about is a part of the experience as a human being. Life is by no mean perfect, but so far, I’ve handled everything that for some reason came my way. I don’t know those reasons but at this point, I think it’s more important to find reasons to keep going. 

♡ Albesa

Too much going on?

[4:53 AM / Monday / April 22, 2019.]

I’m coming here with a heavy heart and a head full of thoughts. It’s been a tough week, a really hard one. It’s been quite some time since I’ve last felt this tired. There are a couple of things going on right now and those things combined make a huge mess. A mess that makes you feel completely lost. I’m always fascinated by my ability to feel. I feel everything so deeply sometimes l don’t understand myself. It’s both, a blessing and a curse. A blessing because when I love something so much, it helps me exist and survive, it makes my days so much better, it fills me with joy and happiness. A curse because not everything I spend the night thinking about is worth it. A lot of things aren’t. And I still do it because, in my head, even the smallest things somehow become big; bigger than they are in reality. I could be fighting with my parents and the words they will say to me will be the number one thing on my mind for at least two days. I’ve heard those words a million times, I have them registered in my brain, I could sing them like a song if I wanted to but they still often make an impact like it’s the first time. They are by no mean, trying to hurt me, they just remind me of their expectations of me which I struggle to meet. They ask me about college so much and I literally have no idea what I’m gonna do about it. If I tell them that I have no idea, they automatically assume I’ve given up on education and then attack me for it. My parents obviously want the best for me but I’ve openly told them to stop pressuring me so much. I’ve just recently recovered from depression, everything is still challenging,  remaining calm and not freaking out is still a battle. I’m literally learning to live. I spent my teenage years in isolation. The time when people live to the fullest was my time to survive. Isolation was the only way to cope with everything that was going on. And now as a 21-year-old young adult, it’s still what I do. I isolate myself in order to get my thoughts together, in order to have an honest conversation with myself where I ask myself different questions and then give myself answers. It’s when I realize if something is really ‘that bad’ or not. I wouldn’t say I’m bad at telling people how I feel but most times, even when I make perfect sense to myself, I don’t make sense to people who I’ve tried telling how I feel. It’s a circle that gets you nowhere. I feel misunderstood very often. Whatever I’m talking about, I feel like it doesn’t come out the way I want it to so I end up feeling stupid. I usually think I’m pretty okay with expressing myself but it hasn’t been like that lately. Is it maybe other people not being able to understand what I’m saying and I’m making it about me like I always do? Yes, I struggle to find the right words to express myself sometimes but realistically speaking, it can’t be me always. I really don’t know. This story is all over the place but so are my feelings so I guess it’s okay. My dear grandma has been in the hospital for about a week now. Her health is now at the lowest point ever and the doctors told us to be prepared for everything. I can’t put it into words how painful it is to know that someone you love so much could die anytime. I’m afraid to check my phone when I wake up. I was 10 when I promised my grandma I would take her to Croatia when I would have turned 18. My grandma told me she highly doubted she would be alive by the time I turned 18. I turned 18 three and a half years ago and I never made it happen. Life changed so much. I’m so sorry. Can’t wait for some better days. I hope I figure things out. And my dear people, I hope you do too. It’s 6:04 AM now that I’m finishing this story (part two coming soon). I better get the hell out of the internet otherwise I’m gonna mess up my life even more!

Til’ next time!

♡ Albesa

 

 

Managing to stay calm, Kosovo and some other stuff

[3:14 PM / Sunday / March 31, 2019.]

I’m sitting in the backyard of my house enjoying today’s sunny day. The mountain that’s my view is just amazing and so inspiring. I’ve cleaned the house a little, I cooked a nice meal and now I’m here trying to figure out what’s been going on in my heart. I’ve been in Kosovo for a week now and oh boy, I’m so happy but full of mixed emotions at the same time. I don’t even know what I wanna say, I just know that I’m doing good and at this point, that’s all I care about. I have no clue where I’m going in life, I’ve already written that before and I mean it, but I’m managing to stay calm and let time show me what decisions I’m gonna make. I’m not trying to figure out everything at once and that is, my dear people, big progress for me. Me thinking about the future and constantly being afraid of it was one of the main causes of my anxiety. I still think about the future, of course, I do, but now I’m pretty much okay with the thought of things not going as planned. One door closes, another one opens. It’s always good to come to Kosovo to get away from the toxic atmosphere I’m surrounded by in Croatia. I’m always trying to find ways to feel at least okay with my life there but it’s always an on and off thing. I have everything that I need, but I always feel like a stranger. Does that have to be a bad thing though? On the other hand, life in Kosovo wouldn’t be a dream either. Kosovo is a country that I like to call a work in progress. There are a lot of things that must be improved here, a lot of people are still quite small-minded, sexism is a giant problem and job-related possibilities are very limited. Anyway, let’s go back to what I usually write about. I visited my grandma yesterday. She’s been suffering from Parkinson’s disease for ten years now and her health is worse than before every time I visit her. I’ve had a very close relationship with her ever since I can remember, everyone knows that I’m ‘qika gjyshës’ which in Albanian means ‘grandma’s girl’. It’s absolutely heartbreaking to see her not being able to walk independently or do anything else without someone else’s help. She can barely talk now and I could barely hear what she was telling me, a little because she was talking quietly and a little because I was sobbing. I could literally feel her pain while she was holding my stone-cold hand. My grandma is one of a very few people who has never ever criticized me and I’m so thankful for that. There are no words to describe the amount of love I have for her and that’s something that’s never going to change. I wish she didn’t suffer her entire life, I wish people she’s surrounded by every day cherished her a little more. I don’t really know what else to say, I’m gonna try and have a good time with my cousin best friend while we’re together here in Kosovo. Flor and I just go well together, it’s easy for us to be around each other. We never fight and it’s because we’re able to communicate and solve things before it’s too late. I just love us together and what we have. That’s pretty much it, my dear people. I hope whoever gets to read this is doing okay. Don’t forget to be kind to yourself and others around you. And be very, very grateful. 

Love, Albesa 

A glimpse of health

[10:54 PM / Saturday / March 17, 2019]

I have no idea what I wanna say but there is a little something inside my chest that I feel like expressing. I’ve been very calm for quite some time now. My life is far from perfect, I still struggle with some unhealthy habits, I have no clue where I’m going in life but I’m, surprisingly, not freaking out and it feels so, so, relieving. I’m trying to figure out ways to lessen self-destructive behavior. I used to obsess over the past and over the future so much that it made me unhealthy. I used to suffer all the time and it’s all because of the way I was treating myself, my thoughts and my mind. Of course, I still think about the past and the future but it’s so different now. Nowadays I think about both in a way that does not bring me down, in a way that makes me appreciate myself, and life in general, more. I appreciate my patience, my willingness to try again, my willingness to learn from painful situations and the effort I put into learning, growing and improving. I’m glad I decided to ask for help. That decision saved my life. I look back and all I can say is that, if you want to get better, improve yourself and your life, and be healthy, the first thing you have to do is stop being bitter. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Life happens, we make unhealthy decisions, we go through things we don’t deserve but think about it; what’s the best you can do in those situations? I think the best option is to learn from it, accept it no matter how hard it is and move on. Moving on means choosing to live life focusing and doing things that make you happy. I’m not saying it’s easy, I’m just listing some healthy possibilities that make life easier by practicing them. I’m mad sometimes, I think about how life is unfair sometimes, but I’m never bitter. And I’m not bitter because I choose not to be. I choose to be grateful instead. I choose not to waste my life counting what I’ve lost when there are so, so many good things I have in life. I’m healthy, I’m able to make healthy decisions, I have a family (a little crazy but oh well), I have not one, but two homes, in two different countries, I have a few friends who treat me the way I deserve to be treated and I have an endless wish to learn, grow and improve. I have a camera that I use for my creativity, I have a bunch of books that help my brain develop, I have this blog where I shamelessly write about my life and still feel good about it. All of that is priceless and remembering that every day is what makes life worth living. I’m sure that you, the person reading this, can also list quite a few amazing things that you usually take for granted. Write them down, remember how much they mean to you. I’ll never stop saying this; ask for help!!! You can try to paint a picture but ego is a transparent thing, easy to read and it’s present way before you are. Your energy can be felt before you say a single word. Talk to someone reliable, confront how you truly feel, use your possibilities. Focus on what benefits you. My dear people, before you start thinking your problems can’t be solved and that I’m probably someone who has a perfect life, please remember I’m someone who has just recently recovered from depression. I understand why people feel hopeless. I understand why people don’t want to leave the house. The things I write about are not just words to make me sound wise, it’s what I believe in, it’s what I know helps, and I know it from my own experience. The ‘it gets better’ really exists, recovery is real. Life will never be perfect, it just gets easier when you start choosing yourself and doing what’s good for you. Self-care is not selfish. People not being happy with decisions that you make believing they’re the best for you is not one of your responsibilities. You’re your only responsibility. Learn, grow, improve and then help others do the same. 

Health, love, and light to everyone.

Love, Albesa

 

[12:17 AM / Sunday / February 10, 2019.]

I used to wonder sometimes, ‘why me?’ ‘Why did all these things have to happen to me?’ Then I realized how selfish that was. If it didn’t happen to me, maybe it would’ve happened to someone else, someone I don’t even know. Maybe someone else wouldn’t be as patient as me. Maybe someone else wouldn’t take their pain and learn to exchange it for growth. Maybe someone else wouldn’t be an optimist and believe it gets better.  Maybe someone else wouldn’t keep going. And since I’m here, alive, healthy and breathing, I guess it was meant to be for me. I don’t know how the universe works but maybe I was meant to save someone else. And even if I didn’t save anyone, I saved my stories, and that’s awesome too.

Love, Albesa

Freaking out and breathing

[1:55 AM / Sunday / January 13, 2019]

Hello my dear journal, my dear people, here I come again. Where else could I possibly go  with all of these emotions if not here? I don’t really know how to say it but I’m really scared. The environment I live in is unfortunately toxic and unhealthy, I feel the pressure coming from a bunch of different sources, I’m expecting an important job-related email that could really change my life for the better and I’m slowly starting to run out of patience with everything. I’ve been very calm these last two and a half months and in a really good place mentally. Every day has been a new start for me. I’ve been breathing and communicating with myself. ‘It’s all good’ I say and take a few deep breaths, and then go on with another positive thought which is ‘time will give you the answers, you’ll figure it all out.’ Now that I’m writing this and going through my emotions deeply, I realize how much it helps to write about them, talk about them and most importantly, analyze them. We have to stay in touch with our inner persona who sometimes goes way too far into the future. I have a fear of the unknown and since I don’t know what the future holds for me, I think it’s obvious why I’ve been feeling anxious. The unhealthy environment I live in makes me think about the future too much and that’s where my anxiety comes from. I want to remind myself that all I have is right now, not yesterday and not tomorrow. Since nothing is happening right now, I want to enjoy it and not waste it away by thinking about what my life will look like in a couple of months. Life is unpredictable, I don’t know if I’ll get that email. But even if I don’t get it, I want to believe I’ll create another opportunity for myself which will maybe work out even better. Who knows? I think it’s all gonna be good as long as I’m trying. I just have to learn not to freak out so much. I have to learn to stay healthy in unhealthy conditions too. I really only want to live in my own little world, which is kind to me and is in peace with my past, my present, and my future. 

Breathe.

Love, Albesa

It’s just life sometimes, you know? (a random attack of mixed emotions)

[1:55 AM, Friday, January 11, 2019.]

What an exciting first post of the year, yay, yay, yay! I’m writing this with tears in my eyes and a thousand emotions in my heart. The last couple of days have been challenging and what can your girl do besides stay up all night, overthink, write and cry, hehe? All jokes aside, I’m doing good, it’s just life sometimes, you know? I’ve always been the kind of person who wants to protect everyone from everything and it really breaks my heart when people who I love and admire suffer for one reason or another. I know, it’s life, not feeling well sometimes is so normal and absolutely inevitable but oh man I just really wish I didn’t have to be like that. These couple of days have been challenging because I’ve seen my mom cry and I’ve seen my dad’s bags under his eyes. I’ve felt it with my own body how tired they are. I love my parents so much. I once thought they were perfect, then I suffered because I realized they weren’t perfect and now, here I am not even wanting them to be perfect. Our dear parents are just human beings who get mad, get sad, yell for some irrelevant stuff because they’ve had enough for the day. They make mistakes, big ones, small ones. What I want to express today is that I’m not mad at my parents for anything. Have they ever hurt me? Yes, they did. Have they ever disappointed me? Yes, they did. Was it ever their intention to hurt their own child? Absolutely not. That’s the only thing that matters to me at this point in life. It’s such relief that I’m able to understand the background of a certain situation, not only the final product. My parents may not be as open-minded as I am, my parents may not think that my ideas are the best ideas ever but I’m so okay with it. I love them with my whole entire heart and nothing will ever be strong enough to change that. Moving on to another subject; I’m recovering from my leg surgery, the recovery requires a lot of patience and patience is painful sometimes. I’ve been laying in bed for almost a month now doing absolutely nothing except overdosing myself with the Internet. I’ve been wanting to finish this one book that I really like but what can I say, my just brain won’t cooperate. Another thing I really want to include here: make sure your happiness and good mood don’t depend on other people. Remember who you are, remember your value, and remember you’re not always the big loser who sucks. It’s not always you, sometimes it’s the other people who just can’t see certain stuff. That’s pretty much it. I wish you all health, love and light.

Oh, and yeah, don’t forget to tell your parents you love them (and everyone else)

Love, Albesa 

Looking back, becoming healthier and the future

[2:40 AM / Monday / December 31, 2018.]

I had so much stuff on my mind while I was planning this story but now that I’m actually here writing it I really don’t know how it’s gonna turn out. Here we go. It’s the last day of 2018, wow, wow, wow. What can I say, it was a good year, a year of improvements I’d say. This year, I got three leg surgeries (currently laying in bed recovering from the third one), I got my first job ever, I earned my own money, I traveled, and I bought a bunch of clothes which I still haven’t had the courage to wear. Honestly, none of that really matters that much. What matters that happened this year is my mental health. I can’t believe this day has come. The day when I can finally say that I’m healthy. I feel healthy, I feel strong and I feel hopeful, more than ever. I spent 5 years battling with depression and anxiety. Depression is a dangerous thing, and anxiety isn’t any better either. Recovery is a journey. Every day is a journey. I spent my depressive days traveling around this little world I created in my mind. Sometimes it was a dark world, and sometimes it was as bright as sunshine which is what kept me going. Even though I’ve tried very hard on my own, I still have to give most credits to my therapist who taught me everything that I needed to learn so badly. It’s by far the best thing that has ever happened to me. I’ve learned so much from it, from setting boundaries and saying no to communicating with myself and giving myself time and space to live with my emotions. I’ve grown so much and all in all, I feel like a very mature and responsible person for seeking help that I knew I needed. I wish I could have done it earlier but as I’ve mentioned before, I’m Albanian, born, raised and living in Croatia. Both are Balkan countries where therapy isn’t a thing, at all. A lot of people freak out even thinking about it let alone actually trying it. My parents don’t understand neither depression neither therapy so I had to earn my own money for it, that’s why I didn’t do it earlier. I tried explaining it to a lot of people that no matter where you come from, therapy is literally just that: therapy. I tried to explain to people that you don’t have to be crazy to see a therapist and that sometimes, you really do need guidance to get yourself back on track. Some people are open-minded and actually, understand that mental health is just as important as physical health while some people blame the victims for suffering and ‘not getting over it.’ But here comes another thing I’ve learned; I’ve learned to stop. Stop trying so hard to explain, trying so hard to make sense and trying so hard to be understood. I’ve found peace in knowing that I did everything that was in power. I’ve made peace with the fact that it’s inevitable to feel bad sometimes and that feeling bad is also okay. Make sure you don’t overuse your energy. Be there for people, care for them but make sure you’re doing that for yourself as well. Be present, enjoy the moment. In the new year, all I really want is to keep learning, improving, growing. I want to be the healthiest version of myself I could possibly be. Cheers to health, love, and light. Cheers to new beginnings. 

May the upcoming year bring nothing but love, light and amazing memories. 

Love, Albesa

Therapy, feeling healthy, and a little thank you

[5:27 AM / Monday / December 3, 2018]

Another sleepless night…we might as well do something good right? On a good note though, this is the first time I’m writing about a sleepless night without it having to be because of depression and anxiety. This time, it’s mostly because of my brother’s very, very loud snoring which is quite painful for my poor ears and brain. Anyway. My mental health therapy has been my number one priority for a long time now. I haven’t written about it that much and today, that’s exactly what I want to give attention to. My first therapy ever was done back in 2014.  I was a 16-year-old highschool student who couldn’t afford a regular therapy which is why I went to therapy like twice a year until I started regular therapy in September this year.  As I’ve written about it before, I dropped out of college because of depression and anxiety, got a job a few months later, and was finally able to earn money and pay for the much needed regular therapy sessions. I started seeing a therapist in September, she recommended therapy once a week and that’s how we did it. I would go to her office once a week and talk about whatever I needed to get out of my chest. It took me four therapy sessions to feel a little better. Between those first four sessions,  I was full of fear, full of doubt, I was a skeptic questioning the point of me going to therapy but I managed to stay patient and keep going. I don’t exactly know how it worked but it did. I started feeling healthier after every session. I couldn’t believe it was starting to work, and it did right when I stopped overthinking about it. I’ve learned to cope with things in a healthy way, I’ve learned to treat myself better, I’ve learned to communicate with my emotions and my needs. I’ve learned to set boundaries which I had never done in my 21 years of life. I’ve learned to live with my past, not in it. I’ve learned about being present in life, not constantly keeping my mind in the past or future, which is in a lot of cases the cause of anxiety. I had my last regular therapy a few days ago. I really can’t believe that it took me only three months of therapy to learn to live with all of the toxic and unhealthy things that have happened in the last five years of dealing with depression. Two months vs. five years. My dear people, the only thing that you need for a healthier version of yourself is a tiny little drop of willingness. Willingness for health, learning and improving. If you’re fortunate enough to be able to afford a therapist, please give it a go. If you’re not able to afford it right now, stay patient, keep living, keep doing your best even if that means simply brushing your teeth, just make sure it’s on your priority checklist! It’s by far the best thing I’ve ever given money for. It has given me my life back, it has given me my health back. I feel normal after such a long time. I feel healthier than I’ve ever been because I’ve learned to say ‘it’s okay’ instead of freaking out even more. The most amazing thing is to realize that the ‘it gets better’ quote is actually true. It really gets better, so so much better. I once wrote in one of my stories ‘this darkness is not your forever’ and knowing how I was feeling back in the day I’m not sure how much I believed in the words I was writing but I’m happy that I’m alive and living and proving my own words. Life is unpredictable, and very chaotic sometimes but when we learn to manage our thoughts properly, we meet a whole different level of peace which we have probably last felt as children. So that’s my advice. Go after your peace even if that means going to therapy and opening up / crying / having breakdowns in front of a stranger. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. We’re all human and we’re all vulnerable and at some point in life, we all need a hand to help us find our light again. 

Thank you to my dear therapist Suncana for being an incredible therapist and helping me get my long lost health back.  You are truly amazing.

Love, Albesa

Kindness is never a bad idea

[3:19 AM / Sunday / November 18, 2018.]

Staying up late, my dear beautiful friend… I catch myself watching a movie, completely ignoring the fact that it’s past midnight, and that I should sleep. I’m wide awake instead,  inspired by unrealistic movies, dreaming, planning, thinking. Now all of that would be completely fine if I wasn’t that one person who usually becomes a complete mess if they don’t get enough sleep. I’m a morning person (yes, I know what you’re thinking, haha!), I like waking up early and starting my day right so if I wake up after noon, I spend the rest of the day feeling lost, and I really, really don’t like that. I suffered from some major anxiety attacks this past week. It was very scary because it would happen right before I would go to sleep, just like it used to happen last year when my depression and anxiety were at the highest point ever. I’ve learned so much, I’ve grown so much and I’ve improved so much so after all of the hard work that I’ve put into improving my life, of course, I got terrified of losing all of that, and going back to my old, very, very unhealthy state of being. I went to therapy two days ago, as I’ve been going every week for the past couple of months and my dear therapist told me something that really opened my eyes. She asked me about how I spent my time and how/why would my anxiety appear. I told her that a lot of the things that I saw reminded me of some painful moments from that past and that those painful moments would run through my head making me feel miserable. Then she asked me; ‘what do you do when those thoughts appear?’ ‘I try very hard not to think about the past and I try to stop those thoughts by getting up and doing something else’- I responded. ‘That’s exactly the problem, Albesa, you want to run away from your anxiety. You have gone through those painful moments and whether you wanted it or not, they’re a part of your life, a part of who you are, they’re gonna come into your mind sometimes. So instead of trying to run away from those thoughts, go through them again for a few minutes, give your anxiety some time to exist. Be nice to your anxiety, communicate with it and it will leave you alone.’ Yes, it’s almost 4 AM, I should probably go to sleep but you know what? I’m not afraid today. And you know why? Because my anxiety will not hurt me if I let it express what it has to express. I’m gonna take a deep breath, and I’m gonna be a little kinder to that part of me.

Kindness is never a bad idea.

Good night 

Love, Albesa 

The simpliest way to help someone

[9:25 PM / Tuesday / Novemeber 6, 2018]

Sometimes I don’t see the things moving around me, sometimes I don’t hear the noises around me. Not that I don’t want to but because I dig in deep into my thoughts and start having a conversation with myself. Since the world has become a sad place to live in, I tell myself maybe it’s better not to hear it or see it or know anything about it. Maybe it’s better for me to act like my senses don’t work from time to time. But then again, that doesn’t feel right either. Since this sad world that I’m talking about is made out of people, I ask myself: ‘do they need help?’, ‘do they have someone to tell them it’s gonna be fine?’ What an irony life is, we close our eyes, we close our ears yet that’s exactly what we all need. We need to be heard. We need to be seen. We need to be reminded that the sad world we live in is not our forever.

Can’t we all just help each other by  asking the simple yet meaningful ‘how are you?’ Can we all just stop pretending that we don’t care about anyone?  

Love, Albesa 

Blessings, beautiful thoughts and taking care

[12:47 PM / Friday / October 5, 2018]

I’m sitting in the backyard of my house while I’m writing this. It’s a warm sunny day and I’m feeling beyond blessed. Blessed that I’m healthy, improving, growing and learning every single day. Blessed that I have two homes, one in Kosovo, where I am at the moment and one in Croatia, where I live. I’m in peace, surrounded by beautiful mountains, fresh air and wherever my eyes go, it makes me feel something meaningful, it makes me realize how much I love it. My grandparents were born and raised here, my parents were born and raised here, my older brother and my older sister were born here, and I, I grew up coming here; coming for that fulfilling joy of feeling at home. There’s so much to come back for: my home, my family, hearing everyone speak my mother language but feeling like I belong somewhere is something completely different and it doesn’t really compare to anything else. I have been feeling pretty much okay, I’ve had my ups and I’ve had my downs and I accept it all. I have been trying to be as gentle with myself as possible and it’s an incredible thing to do. My therapist told me she was proud of me and it’s an amazing thing to hear because I know I’ve been trying hard, in every single aspect. I feel stronger and healthier. I’m surrounded by people who I truly love, however that doesn’t mean that I’m always gonna get along with them. People have their own ways of feeling which means that there will be things we don’t feel the same about. What we can do is take care of ourselves by doing what feels right for us and respect what feels right for others, even if we don’t understand it. Talk things out, be honest and let the energies guide you. Listen to your body, give it what it needs and take care of your mind by eliminating unhealthy ideas and thoughts. Talk to your inner persona and ask it to treat you better, it sounds crazy but it really works. Train your mind to reject ugly thoughts about yourself and replace them with some beautiful ones. Understand the background of your feelings, understand the roots of your problems and don’t be hard on yourself. You’re doing so much better than you think. This is something that was on my mind when I woke up so I thought it would be good to have it written here. A longer story is coming soon. Until then, take care of yourself!

Greetings from Kosovo!

Love, Albesa

Afraid and unstoppable at the same time

[8:27 PM / Monday / August 12, 2018]

Sometimes I wonder where I’m going and where I’m gonna end up. Sometimes I feel like I’m gonna get lost in whatever path I choose to follow. Sometimes I’m not sure if I’m strong enough or brave enough to handle the cruel reality brought by life itself. I know who I am and I know what I’m capable of doing but I’m afraid you know? No matter how strong I think I am, there’s always this certain amount of fear following me everywhere I go. Fear mixed with doubt I’d say. I’m a very positive person and I try to learn from every situation I find myself in but there’s always this never-ending ‘but’. ‘But what’? I ask myself, ‘why are you always trying to find something to be afraid of ?’ I ask myself. What is it so enormous and giant that can take over me so easily? Is it really there or is it just a product of my past experiences? Whatever it is, I have decided that it’s not gonna stop me anymore. I’m gonna confront it even if it starts feeling unbearable. I may be scared but that won’t stop me from following what my heart wants me to do. I may have a hurtful tornado inside of my chest, but what if it’s only hurtful because I treat it badly? Maybe I have to treat it as a beautiful part of mother nature and it becomes peaceful like the ocean?

I tell myself;

‘Nature is wild, unpredictable and scary but that hasn’t stopped people from hugging lions. Everything seems to be a little chaotic but with the right mindset, approach, effort and determination, even the wildest dreams can become a part of your reality. And remember, neither you or your dreams have to make sense to somebody else besides you.’

Love, Albesa

Good or bad? (only time will show)

[12:40 PM / Sunday / June 22, 2018]

I’ve been wanting to take some time, sit down and write for a few days now and I’m finally here thinking about all of the things I want to mention in this story. I want to talk about my journey so far. I’m talking about my health, my growth, my development and stuff like that. I’ve been writing about my journey ever since I started this blog (which I like to call journal because that’s basically what it is). I’ve written stories while I was feeling low, I’ve written stories while I was feeling much better and it shows nothing more and nothing less than the raw reality of dealing with emotional pain. There are some absolutely awful days when you feel like you’re dying, which is probably one of the most terrible feelings a human being can feel, and there are brighter days when you actually dare to imagine yourself living a happier life. There is this thing in the human brain that is called imagination. The thing with imagination is that it’s one of the biggest liars ever. Now, why am I saying this? Because the negative things we imagine in our head are mostly not true. Everything we spend the night thinking about is most likely not that big of a deal as it seems to be. We stress so much about things we’re not sure are even going to happen, we overthink about opinions of people who know nothing about us and in the end what we do is hurt ourselves because we take our imagination way too far, we take it deep inside of us and let it become a dark piece of our daily life. Let me tell you my college story one more time. I applied for college back in 2016. even though I knew I wasn’t mentally prepared for something like that because it requires a lot of effort, time and focus. Being an unhealthy person (depression, anxiety, sleep disorder, eating disorder…) it was impossible for me to dedicate my time and my energy to all of the studying I had to do. I went to college for a year, I passed a few exams and came to an end of the first year. When the final exams came, I knew that was the end of my college journey, I knew I couldn’t push it any further. I didn’t know how to tell my parents who knew nothing about my struggles. June 2017. was probably one of the darkest months I have ever lived through, my depression, my anxiety and my overthinking made me suffer to the point where I really wasn’t sure if I could make it to another day. I couldn’t study, I couldn’t read, I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t sleep. I would spend my days (nights)  watching movies because it would help me forget about my struggles for a little bit. The clock was ticking, exams were coming and I was getting worse. One night, I burst into tears and told my parents I had to leave college which was devastating for them way more than it was for me. I told them I tried because of them and I told them that I couldn’t push it any longer. Something I never thought I could do, something I spent nights and nights thinking about happened. I left college. Me telling my parents about it, me actually not going back to college, it was all way worse in my imagination. It felt terrible in reality, it wasn’t an easy thing to deal with but the image was so much worse, it caused me so much pain and it wasn’t even real. Here I am, one year later feeling one thousand percent better, feeling like a completely different person, much better and much healthier. And who would have known? Back in 2017. leaving college seemed like the most terrible thing that I never wanted to happen but one year later, when I see how much my life has changed, I’m thankful for that decision, I admire myself for leaving something that was causing me even more pain than I was already dealing with. The point of this story is that you never really know if something is good or bad. You just don’t. You don’t get that answer right away, you have to let time pass and show you what was meant for you and what was not. I got my answer one year later. Leaving college which back in the day felt like the most terrible thing ever is one of the best decisions I have ever made. I’m in a much better place now, not torturing myself, I’m much healthier and I feel better about life in general. While becoming healthier and trying to improve the quality of my life out of college, I got a job which helps me be financially stable, I regulated my sleep, I do what fulfills me almost every day and the best part of it is that I got the chance to rethink and realize that I actually want to study something else. I studied journalism which is great but I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. All the hardships that I went through made me realize that journalism wasn’t the best option for me otherwise I would have found a way to keep fighting, right? Life is unpredictable and things are never as bad as they seem. Try to look at things as if they were people. You can’t just look at someone and assume that that the person you’re looking at likes extra cheese on their pizza without even having talked to them, ever in your life. You don’t know that person, you don’t have experience with that person and it’s the same with things in life. You don’t know if something is good or bad, and just because you think a certain way it doesn’t mean they are really like that. The best way to get to know if something is good or bad is to try, see the result of your actions and see how it affects your life. I tried going to college, the result wasn’t good and it affected my life negatively. These are the three things that are enough for you to leave. Leave for the better, improve your life, create a new plan and follow it. While creating a new plan, make sure you know that plans are never easy and smooth so prepare yourself for some possible adjustment in the process. Remember that it’s easier to change the plan than to give up and keep being a miserable person. No change is as hard as going to sleep knowing you disappointed yourself as if you were your own biggest enemy. Think about what you want and go for it. Your life is a reflection of your mindset and your decisions. It’s never too late and it’s never as hard as we think it is, but in order to see that, the first thing to do is try. Always remember your vision and don’t get discouraged so easily. Don’t be ashamed to ask for help. Life can be so much different a year from now but it only becomes different if you make changes. The power is in your mindset and it’s you who has to realize that and finally start using it.

Leaving college is not the worst thing in the world. The idea of me leaving college caused me so many negative emotions because I come from a family who didn’t even get the chance to go to high school, let alone college. I thought my parents would think I was being ungrateful and lazy. I thought my parents would be disappointed and never get over it. I was feeling the pressure to keep going to college because my parents never got the chance to do it. But we are not our parents, and no matter how much we love them, we have to think about what we want because we are the ones who know our deepest selves and we are the ones who know what can make us truly happy. Your parents might get mad in the beginning but they will eventually get over it. When they see you doing what you love, they’re going to be happy even if they disagreed in the beginning. Do your thing and don’t worry, it’s not that bad! 

Love, Albesa

Growth, gratitude, and improvement

[2:09 PM / Sunday / June 17 2018]

Here I am once again, starting a story without really knowing what I’m gonna write. I’m not worried about it though, the stories that I write without planning them turn out being the most relieving ones. Anyway, let’s start. I don’t like the fact that I haven’t written in so long. Actually, I have written a bunch of stories but they’re kind of all over the place. I own way too many notebooks and each of them contains small bits of stories that I started writing in another notebook. I’ve been quite confused these days. I don’t really know how I feel anymore and I truly mean it when I say it. Things have not been getting better or worse, they’re kind of the same most of the time. I got used to my new, work life, routine and I like it because I finally feel like my life makes sense, at least a little bit. When it comes to work, I must mention that I’m doing pretty good however, I know I haven’t been trying my hardest. I’m not gonna start with excuses, I’m just gonna say that I’m gonna work harder and be even more content with my work. A month and a half have gone by since I started working and, oh boy, time goes so fast! I got my first ever salary which felt so strange because I felt like a real adult for the first time in my 20 years of life. Since I’m talking about work, let me mention that I told my manager about my anxiety problems. I had to do it because she asked me why I never ate in the kitchen where all of my colleagues eat. Her answer was the answer that I was expecting; ‘it’s all in your head.’ So many things were going through my mind at that moment. When I came home, one of the things I wrote down in my notebook was this one: ‘people tell me ‘it’s all in your head’ without realizing that that’s exactly the biggest problem people like me deal with. We suffer because it’s in our heads, it’s us who have to live with it day by day. It’s us who have to fight with it day by day. It’s me worrying about every little thing around me, it’s me that I’m afraid of what will happen tomorrow. If those thoughts about me were in someone else’s head, I wouldn’t spend a single minute worrying about it, trust me.’ I can’t remember if I’ve ever written anything more truthful than that. I don’t think I’ve ever agreed with myself more. I have realized one more time that people don’t understand the struggle that anxiety and depression bring, neither do I expect them to anymore. I remember describing it in a few words and it just never worked. My pain, my struggle and my fear, they were always belittled, which only ended up causing me even more negative emotions. I’m okay now, I really am. I’m aware of everything, I’m trying not to think about anything that makes me unhappy, I’m trying to improve the quality of my life. I have a few plans that make me happy just thinking about them so I’m gonna work on those. One of the best things you can do for yourself is keep yourself busy with the things that fulfill you so choose a few things you would like to do more and every time you have some extra time, do one of those things. Spend your time in peace, spend your time away from places/things that remind you of rough times, disappointments, a broken friendship or a broken relationship. Work hard on creating a new, healthier surrounding that will make you feel like a new person which has nothing to do with who you were or where you’ve been in the past. You have the right to start over anytime you want, you have the right to make changes and make the most out of your time while you’re still alive. You have the right to do the things that people disagree with as long as you know that the option you’re choosing is the best option for you. Cherish the things we usually take for granted, cherish your health, your family, friends, food, your roof over your head. Gratitude, compassion, and positivity are a way of life, it takes some time to learn to live like that but once you’re there, you’ll realize how simple some things can be if we don’t makeup things in our heads. Let people know how much they mean to you, be that one ‘annoying’ friend who keeps saying ‘I love you’ all the time. If that’s a part of you, don’t hide it. I tell my cousin/best friend I love her at least 5 times a week because I really do and when that thought comes into my head, I express it. Acting cold or emotionless is not really my thing neither do I think it’s cool or funny. Emotions are meant to be expressed otherwise you’ll kill yourself way before you’re really dead. Oh, yeah, let me end this story with some nice things. I feel like I’ve grown even more since I’ve started working. I acknowledge every little bit of my progress and it makes me extremely happy. I’m also continuing my therapy very soon which is absolutely awesome. I’ll be out of the dark room sooner than I know! My goal for this month is to keep this positive mindset and keep moving forward. That’s basically it, I don’t think I have anything left to say at the moment. I’ll definitely write more in the future, I’ll try at least once a week. We’ll see, no worries, no pressure. My dear people, I wish you a good time and a healthier life. Work hard on yourself, achieve what you want to achieve and stay humble. And to all the hardships, heartbreaks and disappointments, it’s time to say goodbye. We’re all leaving you behind.

We got this.

Love, Albesa

The surprises that life brings

[7:46 PM /  Saturday / May 19, 2018]

It’s been over a month since I’ve last written anything. It’s so strange that you feel like nothing is really happening but when you look back, you have so many things to write about and that’s exactly why, all of a sudden, I feel the urge to express myself and mention everything that happened. I want to start by saying that it’s true when people say ‘your life can be so different a month from now’. It sounds like a cliche and quite unbelievable but here I am, a living example that life can change and that patience does pay off. About a month ago, I was laying in bed, probably swearing out of madness caused by the pain I was feeling in my leg. I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t sleep and I couldn’t stop being bitter about life. Basically, I wasn’t in a good place, neither physically or mentally. It was around 4 PM when my sister woke me up telling me she had a job for me. I woke up and asked her ‘how dare you wake me up’ and she told she would never wake me up if it wasn’t important. And she wasn’t lying. She got offered a job which she couldn’t accept being a fulltime student so she asked me if I wanted to try. The chance was too good and knowing that I had to make changes in my life, I decided to try. I was scared and overwhelmed but I made it. I applied for the job, wrote a motivational letter and a week later, got invited for a job interview. I couldn’t believe that something good was happening. I went there, did the interview and left the company feeling like I did good but still could have done much better. I had zero expectations because I’m quite young (the youngest people who work there are college educated people in their late 20s) and even though I speak many languages, which is the most important part of the job, I didn’t want to have my hopes high and then end up disappointed. About 2 weeks had gone by when I got an email saying I got the job. I wasn’t at home by that time, my sister told me about it. I couldn’t believe, I thought she was joking. I left the company feeling like I could have done much better so the fact that I got the job was insane. Here I am a month later, writing this as an employed person who’s been busy trying to get used to the new routine. I wake up at 6:15 AM and get home and 6:15 PM. I don’t have a lot of free time so the first thing that I noticed is that time is so precious. I go to sleep at 10:30 so I try to be as productive as possible in those 4 hours. I even forget to check my phone, which I thought I was addicted to. Basically, life is much different than it used to be. I’m not running from my social anxiety anymore, I’m dealing with it on a daily basis and even though it’s hard, I see that I’m not dying like I thought I would. I don’t hear my family dramas that often anymore (which is so so so good!!!). I fixed my sleeping problems and I appreciate my time more than ever which is why I don’t deal with childish situations anymore. I’m becoming more responsible and more independent. No one has my back at work so I have to have it. The people around me are kind and nice but my anxiety doesn’t let me relax. I don’t really know how to talk to them first so I may seem self-centered or something similar. Even if they talk to me first, I feel like I sound stupid so I often don’t continue the conversation. I spend my lunch break reading books while everyone’s having lunch in the kitchen. I spent almost five years isolated, spending time only with people that I’ve known my entire life so now that I’m surrounded by a group of complete strangers, I hope I learn how to be around people without feeling like I’m gonna pass out. All in all, life is so much different than it used to be just a month ago. It’s hard but I’m extremely happy. I’m all about making changes because I know that good things happen and the work that we put in pays off. I know staying patient pays off. Majority of the people around me are super supportive and I’m so thankful for that. As a person who is extremely emotional, every single drop of support is welcome and it means so much to me. I want to continue creating myself, become a confident person and believe in myself and my abilities. I want to learn as many things as possible and then help others find their light in all the darkness they might have felt over the years. That’s basically it. There is more stuff that I would write about but I prefer to end this story with positive vibes. Keep going, keep trying and stay patient. Hardships are not forever and choosing to believe that you can change your life is the first step you must take in order to become a happier and healthier version of yourself. Never stop hoping. I root for every single one of you. 

We got this.

Love, Albesa 

Patience

[12:43 AM / Tuesday / April 10 2018]

While feeling low and fighting with emotional pain, I started considering patience a neccessity. Let me tell you why. Patience has saved me so many times. It has saved me from saying things out of anger, it has saved me from hurting myself and hurting the ones around me. More importantly, it has saved my sanity. It has made me stop and re-think and thanks to that, I made healthier and better decisions. I know there are people who are naturally a little temperament but I feel like patience is a quality that you can work on just like you work on some other skills, like riding a bike or dancing. I think it’s one of those things that can improve if you work on it hard enough. I know changing a part of your routine isn’t the easiest task in the world but the thing is that, the changes that are hard to make always turn out to be the most rewarding ones. I’ve always been a patient person but my patience wasn’t big enough back in 2013. when I first got anxiety and depression. I didn’t know how to deal with emotional pain since I had never experienced it before, it was scary, overwhelming and I felt like I was dying. I still struggle with emotional pain, however, I do have to say that nowadays I deal with it quite good since I’ve learned so many things over the years and one of them is how not to lose control. My way of dealing with depression and anxiety is isolation. I mostly rely on myself and my therapist when it comes to my depression. My best friends are also my big supporters and we’re always there for each other but since they have their own problems, my problems can get a little to much for them to handle which is why I prefer writing. I prefer being on my own when I’m having a hard time because it makes me search for solutions. My solution always happens to be patience. It could be that I’m under control of negative emotions which causes me pain and then what I usually do is write down what I can do to make it better. It’s always good to write about happy and beautiful things in life since those are the ones that make life worth living. While writing about those things, you actually remind yourself that not everything is as bad as it seems in those depressive hours. Writing down your goals boosts your patience levels because you imagine yourself in a better place than you are now and you actually want to stay alive to experience life from your imagination. And staying alive requires patience because life is not simple and we must learn how not to get hurt from every little thing that can happen. Not forcing things is also a form of patience. Be patient and see where things are going naturally, whether it’s about school, college, work, friendship or relationship. Forcing things that are clearly not functioning is not something you should insist on. It’s gonna make you feel exhausted because you’re not gonna get back that same energy you invest in other people. Try but make sure you know when to stop. Start working towards being your own priority. Patiently work hard and be aware that life doesn’t change overnight. Never stop creating yourself. Never stop learning things they never taught us in school. Life might be hard at the moment but remember that your life is gonna keep being the same as long as you keep doing the same things over and over again. Start changing your life by reading a book for example. I know that not everyone is a book person but the amount of knowledge and wisdom that is brought by books is amazing. They are a source of priceless information that can help you become a better/healthier person and are healthy for your brain which sometimes turns off after hours and hours of pointless scrolling your Instagram feed. Acknowledge what you haven’t developed yet and start working on it. Ask for help if you need to. Watch movies about it if you prefer that over reading books. Talk to strangers and older people. Just start somewhere. Become a better version of yourself, day by day. Work on your patience, take a deep breath when you feel like you’re going crazy, walk away when something makes you upset and don’t let that darkness take over you and make you do something you wouldn’t normally do. Acknowledge that not every situation requires your reaction. You can deal with things quietly, without causing any damage. 

The words written above are written based on my personal experience. I’ve learned that things that feel so far away are actually the things I can reach very fast if I start walking down the path of never-ending growth. 

Love, Albesa

It’s all good (ups and downs)

[6:30 PM / Friday / March 16 2018]

To be completely honest, I lose my inspiration quite often, especially when I feel down  for more than three days in a row. There is a lot of inspiration in the pain some of us experience but sometimes I just don’t want to write about it. Sometimes I just don’t want to give it so much attention. Then again, I love that I feel much better when I express my feelings through my stories, without having to talk to anyone or without having to worry if I’ve been understood or not. Emotions are worth writing about, good or bad, especially when you’re not really good at expresing them verbally, like me. It’s fine though. I don’t really have much to say, I had some really bad days, I had some better days but all in all it’s good that I always find a way to deal with everything. I’ve been doing more of what I love, which I had left behind completely. I feel much better because of it and I hope I continue like this. My advice for people who are struggling mentally is to spend time doing what you love. If you don’t have a problem with concentrating, read a book, little by little and then write whatever you remember about it. It’s good for your brain and for your mind. If a book doesn’t work, watch movies or tv-series, the ones that seem like you can learn something from. My leg has been hurt for the past five months and I can’t walk properly right now. I’m forced to stay at home which made me feel very miserable because I usually go for a walk every time I feel low. I go out and take some photographs of whatever catches my eye. I can’t do that right now so I took my camera and started taking photos of random things in my house. There are a lot of things I never paid attention to before and I never realized that until now. It helped a lot because it made me feel like I actually did something in my day, besides overthinking and making myself feel even worse. I also watched a lot of turkish movies which I’m completely impressed by. I also read 30 pages of a really good book the other day. I managed to focus and remember quite a lot from those 30 pages which made me extremely happy because it means that I’ve made some progress considering the fact that I couldn’t focus a few months ago when I had to study for my college exams which is partially why I was obligated to drop out and work on my mental health. I told myself I was gonna try to read more often from now on even if it doesn’t turn out the way I expect it to. What else should I mention? Oh yes, I cooked today. For the first time in a week which is unlike me. I usually cook every day but feeling low I had zero wish for none of these things until I told myself I had to stop spending my time like this. I made myself realize that I wasn’t gonna feel better by laying in bed and keeping my mind nowhere but where it’s not supposed to be. My dear people, try to get up and do something. Something small, just so you have something good to remember about today’s day. Step by step, day by day. Life is good when we manage to focus on the right things. Pain is not forever. Your wish to die is not forever. Stay alive and give yourself a chance to experience the joy of life, the joy of having your life together. Your past is not gonna be your future if you don’t let it be. Remember that life is gonna keep being the same as long as we keep doing the same things over and over again. What didn’t work once or twice is not gonna work the third time so start changing the smallest things in your routine. It’s gonna have a very positive effect on your life. Sleep enough and don’t stay up late. Eat food that is good for you so it doesn’t affect your energy and self-confidence. It’s gonna be fine, just keep going and keep fighting.

We got this.

Love, Albesa

A result of a sleepless night 2

[2:30 AM / Saturday / February 25 2018]

I feel like I’ve been thrown to the wolves. I feel like I’m dying as time is passing by. I feel my spirit getting exhausted from all the heavy weight it has to deal with. I feel my heart pounding like crazy because I’m stuck in this unknown zone. I call it ‘unknown zone’ because at this point, I know nothing about my life. Absolutely nothing. I don’t know where I’m going and where I’m gonna end up. I have better days but I’m not getting better. I have faith in the good but I’m so afraid of the bad. I’m terrified. I try so hard to keep myself busy, I really do. I waste my time effortlessly scrolling through the nonsense on the Internet just so I don’t have to think about my misery. This is not me. I see myself in the mirror but this is not me. I’ve never been a person who gives up easily. I’ve never been a person who likes to sit at home and do nothing productive all day. I used to be obsessed with the things that fulfill me. Walking around with my camera used to be a routine of mine. I used to see beauty everywhere, even in the things I saw every day. It didn’t matter, they were never boring. I used to go for a walk everytime I felt myself getting hit by my anxiety and it helped me a lot. I still do that but not as often and as much as I need it. I find myself looking for stupid excuses for not doing something that could help me. ‘It’s cold outside.’ ‘I’m tired, I haven’t slept in 30 hours.’ ‘I’m gonna do something productive at home.’ Who am I lying to? Who am I trying to fool? I know I’m not doing my best, I’m really not. It’s not an excuse but I know why. I get discouraged so easily. And since it’s so easy, it happens a hundred times a day. And that’s a really bad thing. Things that happen on a daily basis, even the smallest ones, they break my heart and they take my willingness away. I’m constantly reminded of things I want to forget. I want to forget so many things, yet I feel them spreading poison inside my body. It’s not my fault. A lot of things happened over the last four and a half years and I lost myself trying to find a way to deal with them. I haven’t found a way to deal with my emotions other than sitting at home feeling completely heartbroken. I have not used my tragedies as motivation like a lot of people do. I didn’t know how to live with them so I, unintentionally, let them dictate my life. It brought me nowhere but these curvy roads of doubt, fear and disappointment. I see it now. I see that I should have thought more about myself and less about everybody else. I see that I shouldn’t have thought that I could protect everyone. I shouldn’t have thought that I can force myself to forgive people for letting me down so badly. I should have said it a long time ago, that I’m hurt and disappointed, but I haven’t because I didn’t want to make them feel bad about their actions. Does keeping my mouth shut means I’m supporting their actions that have hurt me? Does that mean that I’m as guilty as them? My dear people, I have said it before but I’m gonna say it again. I have learned so much about myself and other people while being at my lowest. People are not gonna treat you right just because you treat them right. Such a thing has become rare a long time ago. Don’t expect people to care about you the way you care about them. People are afraid of letting other people into their life and the best way to prevent that is acting cold. You’re gonna meet those kind of people and I can guarantee you, that’s the case in most of the times. People get hurt and traumatized. They develop many fears such as meeting new people and getting let down once again. Fear of getting more personal with someone because they might use it for wrong purpose. Trust issues, self-doubt, pesimism and many other serious disorders ocurr. I must make myself act deaf and blind sometimes. I must do that so that I don’t see things that break my heart. I only want to feel alive from now on because I’ve been feeling dead for a long time now and I don’t accept that version of me. I hate it. Hate doesn’t have a place in my heart, never has, never will. I want my heart to pound like crazy, but from happiness and positive excitement, not from anxiety and depression. I want to beat this dark and toxic version of myself so that, one day, I can help others do the same thing. I want to prove myself that life can be beautiful even after being broken. I want to be an example to people who suffer like me. I want to give them hope and support to become healthy and happy again. I’m gonna put in work in myself and then work on getting the possibility to help others. I’m gonna achieve everything that I dream of and non of this darkness will ever stop me. It might make my heart break, but my spirit, never. 

Sending light, positivity and support to everyone who needs it. 

We got this.

Love, Albesa

Late night emotions, thoughts and imagination

[1:00 AM / Thursday / February 15 2018]

Sometimes it gets extra hard. Sometimes you feel like you can’t deal with anything anymore. The moment you start feeling like your chest is burning in a fire with no mercy; write, cry, scream, do whatever, just let it out. Let that painful monster get out of your chest so you can sleep peacefully, even just for an hour or two. Sometimes I don’t even know who I am anymore, I don’t know if I know anyone I’m surrounded by, I don’t know anything. Sometimes I believe that I’m strong enough to challenge myself and see how I’m gonna survive and sometimes I just want to stay in this dark room forever. Actually, it’s not that I want to do that, it’s just what I know and what I’m apparently good at, considering the fact that I’ve spent here almost five years. My heart is broken, my mind is confused and my body doesn’t feel any better either. Every little thing hurts. Every single one. There’s so much damage in me. Is it my fault? Am I responsible for this? Will I feel better if I blame someone else for my pain? Will I ever go out and feel alive like I used to? Will I ever go out and not feel like I’m gonna have a heart attack? There are many questions but zero answers. Why am I even looking for answers? They won’t heal my broken heart anyway, they won’t make me forget about my dissapointments. You know, I talk to people and I laugh with them and I think about how happy I seem to be. I come home and I wonder; do people ever suspect that I’m not doing well? Not that it matters, it’s just something I think about sometimes. People are such good actors. People choose to get burned in their own fire of feelings rather than openly saying how they really feel. The fear of saying it out loud is incredibly strong because our expectations don’t always match the reality. The fear of not knowing what’s gonna happen next is terrifying and that’s why we accept this painful zone rather than all the hard work required for getting out it, which to a lot of people, often feels impossible. It’s not impossible, it’s really not. The walls we build around us are our biggest enemies, they’re not our protectors as we think they are. Those walls are stopping us from doing what we want to do. We have plans, we have ideas and visions when we close our eyes but once we open them, everything is gone. Why? Why do we choose to just stare at these walls instead of smashing them somehow? Why don’t we get along and help each other more? Why do we get laughed at for every little thing, even for having feelings? Sometimes I look at the world and all I see is a blank canvas. It’s sad because the world is super diverse you know, there are so many things to see, so many people to meet, so many songs to listen to yet non of that is done. What does the world want? What do I want from myself? Will I ever stop thinking about the world which I can’t control? Will I ever find peace and get out of the dark room? I’m afraid of not being able to hope anymore. I’m afraid of not being able to make my dreams my reality. I’m afraid of not being able to smash the walls I have built over the years thinking that they’re gonna protect me. We can’t hide. We can’t run away from life and what happens in it on a daily basis. The goal is to learn to control our emotions and live normally with them inside of us. The goal is to find peace and believe that you can have a nice life after all the pain you have experienced. Write, cry, scream, ask for help, do whatever it takes but never let yourself think that the walls you built are your forever. Your forever is so much brighter than the dark room with no windows. Your forever is what you see when you close your eyes and no matter how awful you might feel at the moment, you’re still gonna find a way to smash every wall that’s infront of you stopping you from walking away from all the misery. These walls are not you, this misery is not you, this pain is not you. You are what you love and what you accept. Do you accept this? Close your eyes and look at your happy self in your imagination. It feels good, right? Does it remind you of how strong you actually are? Keep your eyes closed and keep looking at your happy self while you passionately smash those walls and create a window which is gonna bring you light. Use that window as an exit from that dark room. Create a stage out of those bricks of pain and get up there. Take a bow, walk away, chase your dreams and live.

Open your eyes and do that. 

Love, Albesa

Becoming healthier

[10:10 PM / Thursday / January 25 2018]

I have chosen to change my life completely. I’m calmer than ever now that I understand that changing my life is entirely about me and my decisions. The things around me are gonna remain the same but it’s not about changing the things around me anyway, it’s about changing what I choose to focus on. I’ve been suffering from depression for four and a half years now and making changes after such a long period of time feels very scary. After all these years, I must say that I’ve learned to live with my pain, I’ve adapted my life to it and everything that’s not a part of it is terrifying. I’m afraid of trying something new, I’m afraid of the things I failed at in the past. I’m afraid of being disappointed in myself. I’m afraid of being defeated by my fears. I know that nothing is actually as bad as I think it is and to prove that to myself, I must break the ice of fear that’s stopping me from living my life. I want to start breaking that ice no matter what. I’ve had the idea that I’m wasting my life in my head for a long time now and I know I’ll have it until I make some changes. I don’t want to feel like I’m wasting my life and that’s why I’m trying to do everything that I can. The progress is slow but every small step is precious. I don’t want to feel guilty if getting out of bed is everything I feel like doing today, I’ve had days when I couldn’t do it because I just wanted to sleep my pain away. But I don’t want to do that anymore because that’s not the way to change my world. My world is not gonna change while I’m sleeping. It’s gonna be dark, unhappy and bitter until I do something to lighten it up. So I tell myself ”acknowledge your small steps and cherish them.” Small steps count too because they lead to big changes. Fear is a part of every journey but it should never be bigger and stronger than my wish to feel better. I’ve said this many times before; life will keep being the same as long as we keep doing the same things over and over again. Maybe the things I’m afraid of are the things that are life-changing. Every idea that is the opposite of every awful emotion that I feel on a daily basis is an idea worth turning into a plan. I tell myself ”follow your vision and your plan, focus on it and start doing it. It doesn’t matter if it’s 2 AM or 5 PM, make a change every time you feel that energy inside of you.” I must write down every positive thought that randomly comes into my mind. Today’s positive thought is valid and it’s encouraging. Today’s positive thought could keep me going tomorrow. Tomorrow’s positive thought could encourage me to try something that could change my depression-adapted routine. People rarely care about what I’ve been through or how much I’ve have struggled in the past. I want to give myself the support and applause I once expected from others. My goal is to learn to love myself and my life and to live in peace without having other people’s approval. ‘If you try hard enough you will succeed’; yes this is true but it’s only true when the situation is entirely about me. If other people are involved but not as interested as me, I want to learn when is the right time to stop trying. I have hurt myself way too much by trying to forgive, forget and find excuses for mistakes that were done by someone I truly loved. No matter how much I love someone, I know that distancing myself from those individuals is required when I know my goal is to be mentally healthier. While trying to make some progress, I must occupy myself with happy thoughts, occupy myself with things I love doing and overthinking about a broken trust is definitely not one of them. I must accept it, leave it somewhere behind and move on with my life. I must keep in mind that life is so much more than every negative emotion I deal with on a daily basis. I must carry that reminder with me everywhere I go. I must stay strong so that one day when I’m happy and content with my life, I can look back at everything I will have gone through and say that I’m there because I believed in my happy thoughts which became my reality.

I’m almost there.

Love, Albesa

You, your enviroment and making changes

[6:00 PM / Wednesday / January 17 2018]

We’re surrounded by so many people, so many things, so many options that we get lost trying to pick the best of everything. What is the best according to you? People surround themselves with so many other people. While trying to be in good terms with everyone, there’s a possibility you’ll end up having zero people you can call when you need someone to talk to. I’ve said this so many times but please be aware that no matter how nice you are, not everyone will like you. Be aware of the fact that you’ll never be able to please everyone. Write down people’s names and circle the ones who you can be truly honest with. Those are the ones who are worth it. Make sure you stay close only to those people who make you feel good. Make sure the people you’re surrounded by meet your standards of being a good friend. So, the best option according to me is to be friends with people who are there for you as much as you are there for them. Keep your circle small and appreciate the ones who never let you down. Make sure they know you’re thankful for them and that they can count on you anytime. If someone does something that damages your well-being, you have every right to distance yourself from them. Mental health and stability are priceless and no one has the right to take a piece of it from you. When it comes to money and material things, I try to save as much as possible and not spend my money on things I don’t need. For example: even though I don’t own a crazy lot of clothes, I still want to spend less money on it because I know I don’t need it as much as I buy it. I bought a lot of clothes in the past that ended up being worn only once or twice which is an unnecessary waste. I want to learn to manage my money better and not buy something just because I like it for a day or two. I’m teaching myself financial responsibility that way. I know I won’t always be able to afford something I will like and I don’t want to let that cause me negative emotions. I’m happy that I’m able to let it go and say ”It’s fine, I don’t need it anyway.” This proves that I don’t find satisfaction in material things more than I should which is a good sign. I’m learning every day. I’ve been appreciating time more than ever before because I spent so much of it not making any changes. I want to make a change every day now. A change that will help me feel better, live better and be a better person. It’s such a shame that we don’t see our possibilities and everything we’re capable of doing. It’s such a shame that we let our mindset us limits that in reality don’t even exist. It’s such a shame that we start to think we are what other people think of us. You’re doing good even when you think you’re wasting your time, you’re not to fat for that t-shirt, you’re not being lame when you’re being yourself. You’re so much more than your doubts. You’re so much more than an opinion of someone who doesn’t like you. People fail at different things many times but the key to success is not giving up. Fail, stand up, try again. Every failure is a lesson. Don’t judge yourself based on your past mistakes. Accept everything that happened and move on. The thing is that we change so much every day that we don’t even realize. We come to the point where we say ,,I’m not even that person anymore”, and it’s so true. You’re not your mistakes and everything you could have done better. I haven’t done big mistakes that haunt me but I do have some things I wish I could have done better. It’s fine I say. I can’t do anything about it, I can’t go back and change anything. What happened, happened. The point of your mistakes is to teach you things you’re not gonna do next time you find yourself in a simmilar situation. Pick the good things such as patience, tolerance, optimism out of everything bad. Those things are priceless. They can’t be given, they can’t be bought. They can only be found within you if you want to. If you can change something, do it. If you can’t, accept it and move on with your life. There are many things waiting for you to open your eyes while you’re sleeping and dreaming about changing something that can’t be changed.

I hope all of this makes some sense. Take care of yourself and the enviroment you’re in. We got this, my dear people. 

Love, Albesa

Who are you?

[2:24 AM / Friday / January 12 2018]

I’m not sure how this story is gonna turn out. I’m full of thoughts that I don’t know how to turn into words. I’ll try my best. Anyway, let’s start. I’m in that place in my life where all I want to do is work on myself and improve my life as much as possible. I’m in that place in my life where I no longer have space for negative energy, self-doubt and other ugly things that have dragged me down over the last four years. I don’t want to be on that same path anymore. I’m determined to grow as a person and learn about myself and the world as much as I possibly can. I’m working very hard on achieving stability, peace, harmony and confidence. I’m very happy about the fact that I’m so down for personal development and I’m even happier that I want to become the best version of myself for myself and not for someone else. It’s so imporant to work on accepting yourself the way you are and not feel pressured to be what other people expect you to be. I’ve been judged for my weight, my acne, my ears, my eyebrows and more. I have heard people commenting on my voice and the sound of my laughter which is honestly kind of crazy. Over the years, I became very self-conscious about everything written above. I started starving myself so I can be skinny as I was expected to be. I started to speak a little softer so that my voice wouldn’t sound raspy. I couldn’t recognize myself anymore. Everything I thought about was the fact that ‘I wasn’t enough’. Everyone around me seemed to be so much better than me. I spent so much time having ugly and poisonous thoughts in my mind and then I asked myself: Who are you?I had no answers to that question. All I knew about myself was that I was unhappy. I had to make some changes as soon as possible. I became so self-conscious and so anxious about everything. I couldn’t leave the house without having anxiety attacks. I isolated myself and so many things changed. I started to spend time with myself and the things I love doing. I occupied myself with my own little world. I didn’t feel the need to impress anyone in my own little world, that’s why it felt so good and peaceful. My little world accepted me the way I was, which I hadn’t had felt in a long time. Little by little, my mindset started to change. My voice is raspy and I accept it. My acne isn’t that bad at all. My ear is really not ugly. This is what my world told me and guess what? I started to bring my own little world with me everywhere I went. It feels strange because I’m still struggling but I’m working on it. I want to get rid of self-doubt completely. I want to be able to talk to people without having to worry about what they’re gonna think of me. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. It’s a work in progress. What I’ve noticed about myself is that I’ve come to the point where I feel like I know the person that I am. The girl I see in the mirror is not going to look back anymore because looking back makes her feel the same old pain over and over again. The girl I see in the mirror wants to move on and let go everything that’s been dragging her down. The girl I see in the mirror wants to live life peacefully, surrounded by people who appreciate her the way she appreciates them. I believe in improving myself and I want to do that every single day. Every single day is a new chance for learning something new about yourself and the world. Make the most out of your days. Appreciate your time. Work so hard on yourself until you’re no longer worried about the sound of your voice or the acne on your face. Work so hard on yourself until you no longer think that whatever you say sounds lame. Work so hard on yourself until you no longer feel the need to switch between three other versions of yourself depending on who you’re surrounded with. Work hard on yourself even after you’ve achieved what you wanted to achieve. You can never be too good or too smart or too nice. Be humble, be greatful, be nice to people, be nice to yourself. I hope all of you, my dear people,  including myself, make the most out of your life. I hope we all get to see that there’s so much more than pain, disappointments, doubt and sleepless nights. 

I ask myself; ‘Who are you?’ And guess what? I can’t choose between so many words I could say. Progress is precious.

Love, Albesa

A list of to-do things (kind of)

[11:37 PM / Monday / January 1 2018]

Another year of ups and downs is over. I thought about it a lot and it really was full of ups and downs, pretty much unstable to cut it short. I lost a lot of things and I gained a lot of things. Not too bad but not too good either. Out of every year I survived until now, this one was the hardest one for sure. I made it, I kept going, I’m alive and that’s why I’m saying; not too bad. I’d like to share with you a few things that I told myself I’m gonna work on more in the future. Let’s start with this one; avoid negative energy the way you avoid getting hit by a car. It doesn’t matter if you suffer from any kind of mental illness or not, take care of the enviroment you’re in. If something feels off and you can’t do anything about it, stay away from it for your own well-being. There’s a reason why it feels off and from my own experience, I believe a humans intuition is almost always the best thing to follow. I tell myself; believe in yourself more. The way people see you is not the way you are, it’s how they are. What people think of you and the things you do doesn’t define you at all. Some people will think you’re lame, some people will think you’re awesome. But that’s totally fine, we can’t be loved by everybody anyway. The sooner we understand that, the better. I tell myself: be nice to people. Always treat people the way you want to be treated. Choose your words carefully and try staying calm when you’re under control of negative emotions. I tell myself: don’t compare yourself to other people. Don’t let other people’s success cause you negative emotions such as jealousy and self-doubt. Try seeing it as motivation instead. Let it inspire you and help you with your journey. How much you work for it is how much you’ll get it. It depends on none else but you. Another thing I tell myself: be your own best friend and don’t screw yourself. I’m saying this because I’m that person who always tries so hard to make everyone happy even if it means I have to let myself down. That is so wrong and irresponsible. It’s wrong and irresponsible because I try so hard to take care of my own well-being and then I do something that damages it. I must stop with that. I must set some limits. My advice for everyone including myself: let things go. Broken friendships,  relationships, dissapointments… Give yourself some time to go through it but make sure you don’t lose yourself in all the darkness. Accept things the way they are and move on. This includes people as well. If something you had with someone didn’t work once, twice or three times, it’s your time to finally get into your head that you’re no longer compatible with that one person you thought was the one, as a friend or as a lover, it doesn’t really matter. You can’t change anyone but yourself. You can’t keep thinking that ‘it’s gonna be different this time’ when the person you have a problem with doesn’t even see the wrongs they do to you. To keep yourself stable, stay close to what you love. People, places, hobbies. Spend your time with people who make who make you feel good, people who you can learn something from and people who inspire you. Go to places that make you feel happy you’re alive. Go to places where your hearts tells you to go. Do the things you’re passionate about. Whatever you do, make sure you do it with love. The last important thing I have to say: make sure you’re aware that you still have so much to learn. About yourself, about your family, about your friends, about strangers, about the world. There are so many good things you’ll discover that are gonna help you become the best version of yourself. Keep working on yourself and your personal development. Once you’re there don’t forget to help others get there too. 

I wish you love and light, my dear people.

Love, Albesa 

Good things about bad things

[10:45 PM / Sunday / December 10 2017]

Writing has always had a therapeutic effect on me. Wherever/whenever I’m down, I find myself reaching for my notebook and writing it all out. Maybe my notebook can handle my feelings better than someone who loves me and doesn’t want me to feel like this. It’s always hard to tell someone I’m not there yet, or that my well-being is still shaky  and unstable. I feel like they don’t ask me about it as much thinking I will be better the next time they ask me about it, and hearing I’m still not there must be as hard for them as it’s for me while saying that. I hate when people worry about me; in one hand I’m thankful that someone cares about me the way I care about them but in the other hand, I know everyone is  already struggling with something and hearing about my struggles and battles while dealing with their own is never pleasing. I know I feel so helpless when that same thing happens to me. I realized a long time ago that there are no words that can describe some feelings. There are no words that can give someone a perception of my feelings, or maybe I just haven’t found them yet. By the way people react to my words, I can tell they don’t understand how I feel which is completely fine. I’ve written it before and I’m writing it again; people don’t really understand something they haven’t experienced by themselves. I don’t know if it has to do with capabilty or something else, it doesn’t even matter at this point. I kind of lost my point in this story but I think you’ll get what I’m trying to say. I’m truly thankful for the people who take the time to check on me every now and then, not because I remind them of struggles all the time but because they remember it themselves. Knowing that someone listents to you is a nice feeling whether they understand what you’re saying or not. Just taking the time to ask me how I’m doing is more than enough. My younger sister often tells me; ”you always know what to say, you’re the only person I can talk to like this”, I don’t feel like I always know what to say but regardless, I’m so happy my words can help someone even just a little bit. I’m happy I’ve learned so much from struggling and that the things I’ve learned can help someone else find their path. I’m also happy that I manage to find something good in all of these bad things I often feel. It’s been almost a year of me writing about my life like this. It has helped me so much in so many ways. It has helped me with my sleep which is very bad, my peace that I definitely need, and mostly my words and expression. I don’t know where I would be right know if I had to keep for myself everything I let out on here. This blog comes the closest to what’s on my mind, my heart and soul. I can’t believe how much it helped me in keeping myself together. The best part about it; I opened up about everything and nothing bad happened which is often not the case while opening up to people. By nothing bad I mean it never made anyone stressed, worried or disappointed which is a possibility when someone is listening to me in person. To everyone who listens to me; please don’t worry about me. I will make it to so many more sunshines as long as I’m willing to try again everytime there’s a storm inside of me. I will keep trying until there’s a big colorful rainbow around my heart.

Please be aware of the fact that whatever you’re going through is making you learn and grow. Try taking your battles as lessons that are teaching you a lot of good things such as patience, self-growth, tolerance, being more open-minded and being more mature than you ever thought you could be. Those qualities are very important for your future self and they are also very rare. Once you get there, you’ll look back and say; ”It was painful as hell, but I’m stronger than ever now. Thanks to everything I had to face, I became my own champion.”

Love, Albesa

A result of a sleepless night

[7:52 AM / Monday / November 27 2017]

I’m starting this post without really knowing how it’s gonna end. I just want to write something because my chest is starting to feel a little heavy. I haven’t slept all night, a little because of my messed up sleeping schedule, a little because of my anxiety that usually kicks in before I put my phone down right when I’m about to sleep. I’m getting better though, I’m excited about occupying myself with what is good for me. I’m not a professional when it comes to mental health, I don’t always have the right words to say to a person who is dealing with something hurtful. I’m not sure if I can always console another person and make them feel better about a certain situation. What I do know is that I understand people more than ever. Being depressed all my teenage years made me learn so much about humans, how it all works, why it works like that and, of course, how to stop it. I’ve watched so many videos, documentaries and tv shows, I’ve read so many articles and books trying to find answers to my question which was ”how do I get out of this”. How do I stop suffering so much, how do I stop letting every single thing hurt me. The thing is that over the years we create a certain image of everything and everyone around us. The image we have is what we believe is truthful and once we find out we’ve been fooled by our own selves and others, it’s a big thing to deal with because you pretty much feel like your entire life was a lie before you actually saw the truth. We all expect big things from ourselves which we may not achieve at the same exact time we want to. That exact thing happened to me. The image I had of some things were so perfect and once I got to see the truth it broke my heart into a million tiny pieces and four years later I’m still on that same boat picking up those tiny pieces of my broken heart. I’ve been disappointed, hurt, lied to, fooled, left behind. I was dealing with multiple eating disorders at the time when it all started. I had noticed becoming anxious because of the way I thought / saw about myself. To cut it short, I became an incredible mess. I couldn’t deal with myself and how I felt all the time. Years after, I’m here writing this post knowing that to this day, no matter how I’ve felt, I’ve survived 100% of those awful days. From the absolute worst ones, to those a little bit better ones and to these ones right now when I feel smarter than ever. More hopeful than ever and more mature than ever. It’s good to know that even though I’ve been depressed most of my time over the last four years, I still managed to get up and live through everything. Depression took a lot from me. I islolated myself which is why my ‘friends’ gave up on me (I’m actually thankful for this because, in my opinion, a person who is not there for you when you’re at your worst can’t be your friend), I failed my driving test so many times because I couldn’t focus and drive properly which made me question if I’m even capable of driving. I was forced to drop out of college because I couldn’t study for all of my exams, which was a huge disappointment for my parents who are the ones I love and cherish more than anyone else. I was forced to deal with the thought of being ‘stupid’ for a little while, until I got profesionally diagnosed with depresson and anxiety which explains why my concentration drops all of a sudden or why I can’t sleep when I need to sleep. Depression either makes you sleep too much or it either takes your sleep away which happened to me. No sleep, no concentration, no nothing. All you do is just overthink, worry and stress. How is a human being supposed to function like that? Study with zero concentration? Drive with zero concentraction? I’m actually thankful I haven’t gotten my license yet because to be fair, my depression could take over me any time which means concentration drop which could lead to a car accident and that’s definitely not how a mature person acts. If you know you’re not in a state for something, just don’t do it. Don’t risk things getting even worse than they already are. Stay patient and smart. I know it’s hard to deal with things, I know it’s hard to deal with your ‘failures’. Remind yourself that depression is not something you choose, which means that you didn’t choose to fail at anything. Remind yourself that you’ve gained so much from being hurt, you’ve proved yourself that at the end of the day, you can still close your eyes, take a few deep breaths and just remind yourself that you’re still alive. To me, that is a strong person. A person who keeps going, a person who keeps hoping and fighting for their progress in life no matter the fact that they’ve been broken for such a long time. I wish I could express how much love and hope I have for people who struggle to live normally yet they make it to another sunshine every single day. If you’re one of those people, let me tell you that I’m proud of you. Never stop working on yourself, never stop hoping and never think of yourself as ‘not good enough.’ You’re so much more than just enough. I’m not sure if there’s such a thing as perfect timing but if there is one, yours is about to come. Everything you thought you would never achieve will come to you, just stay patient and keep trying. Chin up, keep going. We got this.

My heart broke down into a million tiny pieces of pain, but I’m picking up pieces of hope now.

Love, Albesa