‘I DON’T WANT TO BE A BURDEN’

Sunday / September 5, 2021. 

You’re not a burden to me for telling me your’re  struggling or feeling too much. You’re not a burden to me for showing me your messy moments that in reality everybody has. You’re not a burden to me for showing me your pain. I care about you and I will do my best to help you carry your pain until it gets easier for you. Life is full of beautiful moments and painful moments too. We can’t have only the good part of it. Pain is inevitable, however, it’s not forever; especially not when there are people who want to listen to you. You’re only a burden to me if you’re hurting, yet I know nothing about it. And it’s a burden because of the wall you build around yourself which I can’t break without your help. So let’s help each other by simply showing all of what makes us us. Let’s break those walls and let people care about us if they’re willing to. 

The ones who care are rare, 

but they exist, 

there is a couple of them there. 

♡, Albesa. 

It’s suicide prevention month. Please be kind to one another. 

The good, the bad, surviving and breathing

Monday / June 7, 2021

Every time I come on here, and see the new (not so new anymore actually) editor, I get mad; I just dislike it so much. Ugh.. Anyway,, I’ve been gone for a while. I haven’t been writing much, I haven’t been creating anything lately. I haven’t even felt like myself in a long time. I’m going through a hard and complex period of life, not only me but my family as well. I’ve been trying to write about it but it just end up with me closing all tabs and turning off the laptop.I get so overwhelmed by all the feelings that I get. I get mad, disappointed, angry…all sorts of heavy feelings. Sometimes I just don’t know what to do with all that burden. I don’t even know what to say. It’s been hard, really hard. I’ve given so much energy to people and things that for sure did not deserve it. I’m constantly surrounded by negativity, doubt, drama, conflicts. There’s no space to be in peace, to feel peace. My entire family is unemployed right now. It’s been months now and everyone is feeling miserable. I see them, I believe they’re having a hard time and it breaks my heart that I can’t do anything. My family is a little crazy, we’re all very different from each other, but it still hurts to see them feeling the way they feel. I, personally, have been feeling quite disconnected. It’s time to change that, it’s time to connect with myself again. I must say that I haven’t failed anything in this semester. I’ve completed all my homework and exams with great success and that makes me incredibly happy. Some of my homework has received great feedback and great grades. My ‘ethnic discrimination’ presentation was one of the best in my group, so I got invited to talk about it in front of the entire class (on camera). Ethnic (or any kind of) discrimination is something I’m very passionate about so it got real. That’s good news right there. Three hard exams are waiting for me; I’m scared but I’m hoping it will end well. What else do I have to talk about? You know, I met someone about two and a half months ago. I thought they were great and stuff and I still respect them but the connection is no longer there; I can feel it that something has changed. Even though I do like this person (not so much anymore actually) I understand that what I’m getting is not what I deserve. I’m way more committed and available. So, I decided to stop trying and let it go. I already feel better. I don’t want half-assed relationships. They damage me in so many ways, they make me question myself, doubt myself and all in all, I become a mess. I don’t need that in my life, no one does. Why am I writing all of this? Because I need to express myself, and my thoughts. And I also want to let you know that you always need to think long-term. Long-term wise, are you gonna be better with them or without them? Be honest with yourself and act accordingly. It’s hard but it must be done. If they’re not giving back the same energy, please get out of that situationship or whatever it is. It’s simply not worth it. You deserve someone who finds time to talk to you and ask you about your day. You deserve someone who is into you and shows it. Don’t settle because of an idealised version of someone that you’ve created in your head that in reality doesn’t exist. Let it go and return to yourself. Every ending is a new beginning, I’m amazed by how relieved I feel already. You might miss them sometimes but keep in mind why it was better to let them go. Live your life, mind your own journey and focus on those who give the energy back. That’s what I’ve always told to my friends, and see, I’m taking my own advice. Yay, me! Oh another thing. I applied for a job, a very interesting one. I was scrolling through Facebook and a sponsored post appeared on my feed. They were looking for an English teacher to teach little kids age 3-5. I applied a couple hours before the submissions were closed. I received a call the next morning and I couldn’t believe it. They asked me to send some kind of demo-video of me teaching the kids so I sent that today. Now I have to wait and see if I get the job or not. I would like to get it, I think I’d be good at it but we’ll see. There are a lot of things on my mind but I think it’s better to end this story here and write another one some other day. Last words for today: remember who the fuck you are because you’re genuinely great. I’m not doing so great right now, it’s been hard but I’m here, I’m breathing and I’ll be okay. And so will you..

May we get through all the hardships, and may we keep becoming the best versions of ourselves.

♡, Albesa

What’s been going on lately: short story

Tuesday / April 27, 2021

I’ve been gone for so long, oh my god. I don’t even know where to start this story. So much has been happening; intense, complicated things that I never thought I would deal with. I’ve already written about how my dad sold our family business and how it has affected our family. Little did I know it was about to become worse and worse. Family relationships are complicated. We’ve been told family is everything, family over everything, family this and family that but the truth is that family relationships require so much effort, so so much. We’re all so different, starting from my parents who were raised in a different country, under completely different circumstances. They both come from patriarchic families, and I’m pretty sure they’re both more concerned about my brothers (especially the older one who’s married and has a child now) than they are about my sisters. It seems like it, even though they neglect this every time I point it out. We’ve been fighting a lot. There are a lot of things I’m not okay with, ”but what is there to do?”, I ask myself. As long as I’m under their roof, this is the life I get. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful for my parents and the fact that I have a home, but a lot of things inside this home are dysfunctional and that’s what bothers me and creates negative feelings inside of me. I choose to stay at my parents house because I’m a student. I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to make enough money to provide for myself; a place to stay, food, education costs. I sound selfish, but I’m being honest. If I wasn’t in school, I would’ve gotten a  job a long time ago and left home. I just think it’s the best thing to do for myself and my mental health. I was in Kosovo for a month, where we also have a home. A lot of unexpected things happened, and when I say unexpected, believe me, I mean it. I was there for a month, only with my grandma. I had my own space, my own peace, away from the daily family dramas that I’m surrounded by every single day when I’m in Croatia. Coming back to Croatia because my university practice was about to start (it hasn’t started yet, I can’t wait though!!!), my mental health was getting gradually worse, day by day. I was a complete mess a couple days ago. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I felt like an absolute disaster. I feel a tiny bit better now but still not okay really. Besides being mentally exhausted, I’m also physically sick. I hope it’s not corona virus round two because that would be the cherry on top. I need to be healthy so I can at least leave the house and go for a walk freely. I also want to start going to the gym because it’s about time I regain my health once for all. I want to have a healthy body, which will then help maintain a healthy mind and the bonus that I get is being satisfied with the way I look. I used to have a problem with binge eating for about seven years. I have somehow solved that problem and now I’m about 8 kg lighter than I was at this time last year. The things is that I’m still very insecure about everything. I don’t understand it sometimes. It’s just hard, really hard. I question myself all the time, I doubt myself all the time. I’m always so stressed about how I may sound to people who don’t know me. I wish I could just breathe and not overthink every, and I mean every tiny little thing I do. I always feel like explaining myself. I wish I could just be, and not feel the need to explain or justify anything about my being. It’s so tiring. It affects creating new relationships so much. Only when I’m getting to know someone new do I realise how much I still have to work on myself. I feel like my insecurities keep me in a cage; because of that I can’t be free and just be my natural self. I’m very self-aware but then again, I’m know I don’t appreciate myself enough nor do I know my worth. The first relationship that I have to nourish is the one with myself, only then will the rest of them feel good. That’s what I have to achieve. I should not question myself like this on a daily basis. There’s so much more to say, but for today, I think this is where I’ll stop. I’ll go listen to some music and try not to overthink, which I also struggle with on a daily basis. Right now, I think it’s obvious that I’m a mess. I hope it won’t last for too long. 

May I receive some light soon; I deserve it. 

♡ Albesa  

 

‘You care too much’

I’ve always been the one to care more, to care so much in such an intense way. I don’t necessarily hate that about myself, but I don’t necessarily like it either. You know why? Because I could care so much about someone and that still doesn’t guarantee anything. I could care so much about someone and still have to let them go; for my own sake. I’ve gotten taken for a fool, so many times in my life, by so many different people who meant a lot to me. My trust has been taken for granted, the second chances that I’ve given were taken for granted. I’ve been told I was too naive, too nice, too soft, too caring. And at some point in my life, I got really annoyed by it. I thought I had to change because being caring wasn’t taking me anywhere. I was annoyed by the fact that I always wanted to know how someone was doing, and I was annoyed because they probably didn’t care that much about how I was doing. But I’m constantly reminding myself of one thing: that’s them, that’s how they function. And I’m not them. There were moments when I let the critics get into my head which led to me trying to be a bit colder. There were moments when I tried to seem like I cared less than I actually did. But it only made me feel worse; because that’s simply not who I am. When someone is a part of my life, I want to know about their day, in small details preferably. I want to know everything they’re comfortable sharing. I want to know what’s going on with them. I want to know if I can help in any way. That’s me. Sometimes they will do the same for me and sometimes they won’t. Letting them go might hurt for a bit, but you get through it. The thing is that you don’t have to be like me and I don’t have to be like you. And it doesn’t mean one of us sucks or one is better than the other. We’re both just fine. Being more caring and less caring is both fine. Why can’t we criticize a little less and be respectful towards each other a little more? No matter what kinda person you are, the goal is to show the people that you care about them while they’re in your life, not when they leave. Let people know you appreciate them. Do your part. What happens next or how they react is out of your control; what matters the most is that you stay true to yourself, no matter how other people might percieve it. 

Our differences might take us in two different directions, but the respect between us can exist no matter where we end up. 

♡ Albesa  

First messy story of 2021 (what a surprise)

Wednesday / January 28, 2021

I can’t sleep. I feel the urge to write, to express myself, to relieve myself, to let my thoughts go. I feel the need to talk about my thoughts and my fears. A lot is going on and it seems like I can never catch a breath. There is constantly something taking my peace away. Me and my family are in a very complicated place in life right now. We have no idea what’s gonna happen next. We’re stressed, getting on each other’s nerves all the time, fighting all the time and what not. It’s intense. My dad felt obligated to sell the business where he had been working and managing the last 20 years. That business is where my parents have found stability in a foreign country, and for that I am forever grateful. I am grateful I had a stable childhood. We’re looking for a new business opportunity right now. It’s hard; especially during these covid times. I can’t do much; I guess I have to try and stay optimistic and hope for the best. Hope that some day soon, we will feel stable again. Sometimes I forget that all of this happened and so when I rememeber it, my stomach turns into a real mess. I feel like throwing up every time I remember the things that have happened in the past 6 months. I’m sad knowing that my parents don’t have a job for the first time in their lives. I’m devastated, but what is there to do? I’m in Kosovo right now, where I thought I’d feel a little better since I’m away from everything going on in Croatia but honestly, I think I’m even more stressed. I can’t stay calm due to uncertainty. There are many things going on for sure and what is there to do besides write? Write until my chest feels a bit lighter. On a good note, I visited my grandma’s grave a few days ago. I cried my heart out and it was much needed! I miss her so much, oh my god. I talked to her about so many things, and I have no idea if she’s somewhere around or not, but I like to believe she is. She is my hope, my light and my guardian angel. Also, I once wrote a story about how I went separate ways from a long time best friend. We found the way back to each other and I couldn’t be happier about it. I’m so happy to see that people are willing to grow and learn from their mistakes. I’m happy when people survive their darkest days and start taking control over their life again. I appreciate an honest apology more than anything and there’s nothing more amazing than feeling respected and appreciated by someone who you thought you were over with. Cheers to re-establishing new friendships with old people, who have learned and grown and shown that they’re worth a second chance. I wish everyone could do that but unfortunately, sometimes we have to move on without the apologies that we deserve. Moving on to the next topic: A lot of people ask me about boys and dating and romance and to be honest, I’ve never really written much about it but let me touch on that topic a little bit. I’m 23 and by this age, the majority of the people have had some kind of romantic experience; but I haven’t. I’ve never been very intrested in dating and meaningless encounters. I’ve always known what I wanted when it comes to romance, and it hasn’t changed; a deep connection with a deep and real person who isn’t afraid to show their authentic self, who isn’t afraid to call me out when I’m wrong, but does that in a kind and respectful way. Someone who is genuinely a kind person, with morals, ethics and standards. Someone  who can tell me their story, and listen to mine too. And that, I haven’t met yet, which is why I don’t have a romantic experience to tell. And I refuse to just get myself into something meaningless. That’s simply not who I am, or who I’ll ever be. I like to believe I don’t have trust issues, but I do. Sometimes I question if I’m being too idealistic, but I’m not. I know what I’d prefer for myself is rare, but it exists. And if the universe wants it to, it will somehow find me. Or I’ll find it. But I know one thing for sure, when something is there, you just know. And when something isn’t there, you also know. For real, you will know everything, so breathe and keep going through life doing your own thing because at the end of the day, the most important relationship you can ever have is the one you have with yourself, so nourish it. Every day, all the time. 

A story all over the place, as per usual.

All my love,

♡ Albesa  

Re-connecting with myself

Wednesday / December 23, 2020

I have no idea why it has taken me so long to sit down and write a story. I love doing this, I love it so much. I feel like my most authentic self when I write and create. But I’ve been feeling kinda lost, kinda disconnected from a lot of things, not neccessarily bad but not good either which I believe happens to a lot of people from time to time. I’ve been going back and forth, healing and hurting. My relationship with my mental health has gotten so good this year, I’m really happy with my growth and the ways I’ve learned to look at things. Even though anxiety is pretty much a part of my every day life, I’ve noticed that I’ve gotten much more calm than I used to be. I’ve been taking deep breaths, and encouraging myself instead of speaking negatively about myself. I’ve been reminding myself of my qualities more often, and it feels really great, it’s a breath of fresh air when you quit constantly criticising yourself. But I can’t deny that I’ve been feeling weird and disconnected lately. I just don’t know how to put it into words. When it’s pouring rain, you either run so you don’t get soaking wet or start smiling cuz you love it; I’m at place where I wouldn’t even notice that it has started raining in the first place. I’ve been way too in my head lately, too many things are on my mind. My family, my grandma, my exams, my body image and relationship with food. The situation at home is a bit intense, I’ve been fighting with my sister more than usually. The way they react to certain things, I think a lot of it has to do with their emotions that maybe haven’t come to the surface yet. I’m trying to give them space and not be nosey about everything that goes on in their lives, however, I must say that everything that I want to know about them is because I care about them and want to see them doing good. I know I’m overprotective, and I’m aware it can be annoying sometimes, because at the end of the day, I’m not some kind of superhero that can save everyone from the tinniest problems. I honestly think I must stop thinking that everyone needs my help, or that I constantly need to save someone from something. I unfortunately can’t prevent my loved ones from getting hurt, and I must understand that. Pain is inevitable throughout life. I need to be there for my loved ones when they actually need me, not when I assume they need me, which is very often. I’ve been looking at this from a different perspective and I don’t think being overprotective is a bad trait, I just think I need to let go of the idea that everyone needs me all the time. I started developing this trait about 7 years ago, when my mental health issues started getting more and more severe. I was in pain myself, and knowing how it felt, I didn’t want my loved ones to experience pain like I had been experiencing it. But as I said, pain, heartbreaks, disappointments are inevitable, and everyone deals with their pain differently, so I guess I just have to hold on to what I do surely know; just like I survived, just like I’ve found ways to live with my pain, they will too, and maybe the best way for them to do that is by themselves, which right now, I fully accept. In the meantime, I’m going to focus on maintaining a positive self-talk, encouraging mindset, writing more, taking more pictures, baking more desserts, and understanding my true feelings about a couple other things that have been on my mind lately. I’m glad I finally sat down and just wrote whatever was coming to my mind. I feel re-connected with myself and I definitely needed that! Til next time, stay safe!

All my love,

♡ Albesa  

After my grandma passed away

Saturday / November 28, 2020

I struggled to feel anything properly. I’ve struggled to write about anything besides my grandma. I struggled to express myself in any way, shape or form. Sometimes it seems like I’m not able to feel joy anymore. I struggled to stand on my feet. I struggled to do anything. I’m constantly looking for signs that she’s somewhere around. When I’m having a hard time, I ask her to shine some light on me; and it somehow gets easier. Is it her? Is it my imagination? I really don’t know. After my grandma passed away, chaotic things happened; one thing after another. In a year and a half, I lost more people than I ever thought I could. I lost my grandpa not so long ago too. The rest I lost due to lack of respect, compassion, support. Thankfully, they’re alive and maybe some day, we’ll find a common ground. I still have lots of love for them. It’s so hard, but I try to hold on to what she always used to tell me: You are so sweet. You are so smart. You are so capable. My grandma was my support system since I was a little child. They told me I was a complicated kid in my early childhood. I was just too curious. I asked too many questions. No one wanted to deal with me, besides my grandma who would take me by the hand and take me to her garden where she would show me her tomatoes, her cucumbers, her onions. I was fascinated by it all because growing up in a city, I had never seen how fruits and vegetables grow. She would take me to her little farm and tell me about her cows Lara and Balusha and how she feeds them. How come I was not a complicated child when I was with my grandma? My grandma and I just knew how to understand each other. I refused to go to sleep with anyone else but her. I grew up and became a good student, a non problematic child, a polite and kind human being who constantly tries to do and be better and my grandma never neglected that. In an environment where I got criticized for every little thing about me, my grandma was the only one to remind that there was nothing wrong with me. My grandma was magical. And I miss her dearly, every single day. It never gets eaiser, you just learn how to live missing people. I’m starting to feel other feelings other than sadness. I’m studying again, I’m getting out of the house. I’m trying not to get consumed by grief. I’m think I’m getting better in all areas of life. I became an aunt the other day. I felt joy, immense joy. I’m trying to find light. I’m trying to create something out of my life. Little by little. I’m not rushing anywhere. I’m learning to take my time and space without apologizing. I’m trying to find a way to live with my pain. I’ve found some kind of consolation in being grateful. I celebrate every little thing. I celebrate every exam that I pass. When I don’t pass, I’m grateful that I get to go to school, fail and take another exam. I celebrate every meal that comes out tasty. I celebrate my family, best friends and their growth. I celebrate everyone, even the ones who I no longer have a connection with. I’m rooting for everyone, like my grandma is rooting for me. Somewhere from afar, where I (you) can’t even see.

Keep going. 

♡ Albesa 

Rooting for myself (a challenge to make me appreciate myself more)

Sunday / June 21, 2020.

My stories usually start with something that’s hurting me, bothering me, or something that is simply not doing me any good. I’ve wanted to sit down and write this for myself for the longest time. Here’s the thing; I always talk about my growth and progress but it always comes after I mention a million things that hurt me in the past or still hurt me. I tend to be way too hard on myself so I hope this will challenge me to appreciate and remind myself of just how much I’ve gone through and how it made me the person that I am today; which really isn’t that bad at all. Wow, did I just say something positive about myself??? Today, I finally decided to sit down and write about my growth and see how aware I am of it. I’m curious to read this story when it’s finished; here we go. So, even though I’ve managed to become kinder to myself over the years, I’m still a very self-critical person. I still underestimate myself. I often forget how many rare qualities I possess. I often forget how kind, compassionate and loving I am. I often catch myself thinking about the times when I knew better but just didn’t do it. I still think of the times when I said something that I didn’t necessarily mean. I still think about my past college experience and my depression during that time, and wonder if there was a way to make it but I just didn’t try hard enough. I wonder if I could’ve been more effective and functional even with my depression. Now that I’m writing this, I think I’ve done a pretty good job. Let’s start with the fact that I’ve been depressed since 2014 when I was 16 years old. A lot of heavy things were happening at that time and unfortunately, I got sick. That’s why I started writing a journal, it’s how I cope(d) with my thoughts and feelings. Despite my depression, I managed to survive high school. Grades got a little worse every year but they were still pretty good. I passed the state exams and got decent grades on those as well. At the age of 18, I applied and got into journalism school. Good job girl! Around 19, I stopped neglecting my reality. After three years of trying to live with a heavy chest pretending like it was nothing, I finally gave myself the right to feel what I had to feel. I also dared to tell my family I wasn’t feeling well even though I knew they might not understand it. By the end of 2017., I made the brave decision to leave the university that I didn’t like despite having that terrible fear of disappointing my parents. I was already suffering from anxiety and depression when I started it, but going there and not liking it made me even more depressed. I kept forcing myself to like it but I couldn’t study for those exams. Yes, I was depressed and it was extremely hard to focus on anything, but the fact that I didn’t like what I was studying made everything so much harder. After I left university, I was convinced that I wasn’t capable of learning new skills, using my old skills or anything else basically. The next six months were one of the hardest of my life. I became aware of depression more than ever. I had just had foot surgery, I couldn’t walk for almost two months so I had more than enough time to think about everything. Becoming aware and actually realizing how bad it had gotten at that point, I knew I had to do something in order to save myself. I acknowledged that I needed help more than ever. In 2018., a job opportunity came by and I dared myself to apply. I ended up getting it and I did absolutely great at it. I was finally able to afford therapy and get much-needed help. Lifechanging is an understatement. The following months were interesting. I was going to therapy, I was working, I had responsibilities again and I was learning to function even with my anxiety coming to work with me every day. Things got a lot better and life started making a little more sense. I did a great job at work so I ended up getting a higher position the next year. 2019., therapy continues, I keep learning, growing, and still doing pretty good at work. After my first university experience left me traumatized, I was convinced I would never study in Croatia (where I live) ever again. Even with all the traumas and fears, I still made the amazing decision to go back to education and study again. I applied and got accepted. I’m officially a social work student at Zagreb’s school of social work. We’re still in 2019., the year that I will remember for the rest of my life. My grandma passed away on June 16th, 2019. It was by far the most painful, the strangest experience of my life. This was the first time that I had to accept that I can’t ‘just do something about it’. The first time that I truly couldn’t do anything about it and understood that. My grandma meant the world to me. I became heartbroken, my entire world crashed. I was in so much pain but I didn’t turn to drugs or alcohol or anything like that. I’ve lived with my pain every day ever since and after some time, it became a natural part of me. It’s been a year a couple of days ago. I still struggle to accept it sometimes, to be completely honest. Overall, I think I’ve been handling her death as well as it can get. Some days are awful, some days are okay. I think that’s pretty common. After my grandma died, I realized a lot of things. One of the things was how toxic some of my friendships had gotten. Even though I had so much love for this person, for my own sake, I decided to end our eight-year-old friendship and go my own way. The person lives in a different country so I had to do it via text message. My hands were shaking while I was doing it, but I had no other option. It was a friendship that drained me so much over the years because I was always the one trying harder. I decided to try harder for myself this time. It’s been almost a year and as bad as it sounds, it was definitely the right decision make. My employment contract ended and school started shortly after. I felt like I was starting over and I felt like I was on a different path. I felt like I was at the right place as soon as I stepped into this new school. I love it so much and I go there with so much joy. I was going to therapy for a year at this point. I was doing good learning to live with my depression and anxiety instead of just be depressed and anxious. It’s 2020., and I’m going separate ways with another close friend. This friendship was filled with a lot of love, but so, so many lies and misunderstandings in between. My trust was no longer there. These two friends meant so much to me, but based on their actions, I didn’t mean as much to them. Once again, I made the right decision. I left a friendship that was no longer healthy for me. I miss both of them sometimes, but I’ve learned to respect myself more. I didn’t deserve to be treated how I was treated and I’m happy I was finally able to see that after years of justifying their actions in order to keep them in my life. We’re now in June 2020. I’ve completed 6/10 exams of my first year in social work school. I was terrified of failing and having to deal with ‘failure’ once again but things are going well as of now. Four exams left and I’m done with the first year; absolutely amazing. I’m still in regular therapy. Therapy is by far the most amazing thing that I ever decided to do for myself. During quarantine, I had this awakening or whatever you want to call it. I suddenly started feeling like a different, more balanced, healthier, and overall better version of myself. I truly don’t know what happened but I started noticing how much I’ve grown and learned. I react to things / see things differently now. I don’t binge eat anymore, which I had been doing since 2013. This truly feels like a miracle because my relationship with food is really good now. I’m not at war with the things from the past anymore. I’m not bitter or mad at all. I’m pretty sure I’ve made the most out of everything that ever hurt me. I still suffer from anxiety and panic attacks, I’m always afraid of things going wrong but I’m working on that every single day. I definitely handle things better now. When a new wave of depression comes, instead of being more depressed because I’m feeling depressed, I just acknowledge that I’m depressed again and I let it in being fully aware that it will pass. I breathe through it so that it’s a tiny bit easier. I’m giving myself space to take a step back and just breathe. My communication with myself has drastically improved. I say no more often and do what I feel like doing. I think I’m not a people pleaser anymore. I have a bunch of things to work on (comparing/criticizing/belittling myself) but I think I’m doing better than I did in the last seven years of my life and that’s a very big deal. These past seven years have been difficult and challenging, full of ups and downs. I finally see that I’ve been doing a good job all along. Today, I decided to root for myself. I deserve it. And you deserve it too.

What happened in the past can’t be changed. Some questions remain unanswered. The person that you are today is the best answer to every question you may have. 

Albesa ♡

Acknowledging uncomfortable thoughts & emotions

Saturday / June 6, 2020

It’s been quite some time since I’ve last sat down, just me and my laptop, and wrote until I no longer had anything to say. I’ve been so anxious, stressed, and overwhelmed the last couple of weeks, to the point where I couldn’t make myself do anything. I think I didn’t care about anything, I just wanted to sleep until it’s all over. I only cared enough to write about my grandma. Exams are coming, it’s almost been a year since my grandma passed away and it just gets too much sometimes. I’m feeling so many emotions right now, all at once. Based on my past experiences, exams make my fear of failure come to life, my anxiety level increases by 1000% and it just makes me worry all day every day. The thought of failing and not making it to year two of uni as I planned is just very terrifying and disappointing. I don’t want that to happen, I really don’t. I must explain to myself that even if things don’t go as planned, I’m still gonna find a way to keep going. Even if things don’t go as planned, it’s still not over. I also have to learn to worry about something when it’s real, not when it’s only made up in my head. I haven’t failed yet (and I hope I won’t), therefore why torture myself so much thinking about it? But that’s exactly what anxiety does to you, you’re scared of things that haven’t happened, but could happen, but at the same time, there’s no proof that they are gonna happen. What a terrible thing to live with. Writing helps, taking walks helps, meditating helps, taking a break to just breathe helps and imagining positive outcomes helps. So I try to do that as well. Sometimes my optimistic self and anxious self get confused. Most of the time, I don’t know what’s going on either. All I know is that when it comes, it takes over me in an instant. Instead of trying to run away from it by distracting myself with something else, I just have to breathe and let it do its thing for a couple minutes. I have to learn to do this always, not just sometimes. Fighting anxiety back by trying to ignore it or run away from it only makes things even worse. I think I’m feeling like this because that’s exactly what I’ve mostly been doing these last couple of weeks. I tried running away from my uncomfortable thoughts by listening to music, watching movies, scrolling Instagram, the list goes on and on. It only got worse. Now that I’m writing about it and acknowledging it all, it feels slightly easier to exist. I need to set reminders on my phone or something, to remind me to process my thoughts and emotions, even the most uncomfortable ones that I can’t stand, like these ones going through my mind at this exact moment. My grandma’s death, well, what can I even say about it? It’s almost been a year, the crisis that comes with missing someone so much is very, very painful. And there’s nothing to do about it. For the first time in my life, I’m aware that I can’t just do something about it. There’s nothing to do. There’s no coming back from death. There’s no going back to that one last hug you never knew would be the last one. There’s no going back to that one last goodbye before I left her house. I can only remember our moments and conversations and be thankful that I have something to hold on to. It’s hard, extremely hard. My grandma has always believed in me and that really keeps me going through these difficult times. I take that fact as reassurance that everything is gonna turn out okay and that I’ll be fine. I’m glad I’m here writing this story because it’s such an important part of this year, one I’ll never forget. I’m going through something very complex because it’s a lot of things all at once, things that typically have nothing to do with each other – exams and grandma. I must also mention that I feel like I’ve grown and learned so much lately. I’m getting more and more comfortable with who I am as a person, sharing my opinions and thoughts, and not getting approval. My eating habits have improved drastically. I don’t cope with emotions using food anymore which gives food a whole different meaning and purpose for me. I’m not stressed when I eat anymore, nor do I stress about what I eat as much anymore. I’ve been practicing listening to my body and so far, it’s been going really well. What else do I have to write about? Okay, there is a little something, but let’s give it time before it makes it to my journal. I don’t have to write about every little thing that happens, right? (well I actually do though, sorry not sorry). Anyway, I think that’s about it for today. I can’t wait to write an update on this one. 

These challenges that I’m going through, if nothing else, make my story more interesting. 

Til next time,

Albesa ♡

ps: this is a little thank you to everyone who’s been there for me through these difficult times. You know who you are. 

 

 

Gentle reminders to myself (and you)

Friday / May 15, 2020 

I’m not here to be loved by people only when it’s convenient for them. I’m not here to keep my mouth shut and just accept things. I’m not here to put on masks and pretend that life is beautiful and exciting all the time. It’s not. And it’s a part of me to be open about it. That way, I’m hopefully helping someone else feel less alone and more understood. I’m not here to stay the same. I’m here to learn, to grow and discover how good can life be even when I’m facing challenges. How good can life be even when I don’t remember the last time I slept properly. Even when I feel like nothing is making sense anymore. 

I’m here to nourish my mindset, to listen, to love and be loved. I’m here to be patient, angry and keep going. I’m here to accept that I can’t do my best all the time. I’m here to let people know that they’re allowed to be themselves around me. I’m here to create and live on my own terms. I’m here to be who I am. We learn a lot and we change a lot. And since I, intentionally and unintentionally, learn something new every day, it might feel that I’m not the same as I was yesterday. Because I’m not. I’m myself one day at a time. Tomorrow? I don’t know what I’ll learn tomorrow therefore I don’t know who I’ll be tomorrow.

Hopefully still someone my younger self would rely on.

Hopefully still someone my grandma would love if she was still here. 

Appreciate yourself and trust the process.

♡ Albesa

The simplicity of saying ‘no’

Sunday / December 8, 2019

These days, I would rather choose to be called crazy than say yes to the things I don’t agree with just so I don’t get dirty looks. Dirty looks from others don’t mean much to me, but saying yes for the sake of others and then getting dirty looks from myself, it means too much. It means throwing away everything I believe in. It means throwing away everything that I am. I’ve been through so much this year, but I’ve also gotten to grow and understand that nothing is worth my well-being. I might have been a people-pleaser throughout my life, but I’m trying not be anymore. This is my life and the only person I’m responsible for is myself. Since I’ve managed to survive this year somehow, which almost feels like a new chance at life, I’ve decided that I no longer want to get dirty looks from myself. That means that everyone can expect more no-s from me. 

Reminder to you and myself: you can love someone and still say ‘no’ to them when it’s necessary. Loving someone and protecting your boundaries are two completely different things and you can do both at the same time. Don’t let anyone convince you that there is something selfish about choosing what’s the best for you. You’re just taking care of yourself; it’s that simple. 

♡ Albesa

A little something that’s good for everyone

Friday / September 20, 2019

 I turned on my laptop all motivated and inspired to write but I ended up sitting in front of my computer jamming to some really shitty Albanian songs for about two hours instead. As much as I think some of those songs are really shitty, I must admit they’re my guilty pleasure, hehe lol. I’m quite tired, and in desperate need of sleep but I have a few things to talk about so I guess we’re staying up late today. Anyway. My dear people, let me be honest and tell you that this month has been so shitty and so hard that I literally don’t know which words to use in order to describe it properly. I’ve been led by madness, sadness, traumas, disappointments and what not. It’s been hard ever since grandma died, three months ago. Shitty days are extra shitty now because I can’t call her and tell her about it anymore. My friends are amazing and I’m thankful for them but everyone is quite busy nowadays and it happens that right when I’m in a crisis, none is available. I’m not the best communicator either, sometimes I keep stuff to myself so that it doesn’t get too much for them, which is wrong because it’s not up to me to decide how much can any of them take. From now on, I’ll try to be even more honest and even more open about how I’m doing and when I’m not doing good, that’s exactly what I’m gonna say. Sorry best friends, your girl can’t have a good time all the time. Jokes aside, I only have one more week of work left. I’ve been working for 5 months now, doing the same exact thing every single day. It has gotten so boring that at this point, I count down the minutes till’ I get to go home from the moment I step into the office. Wow, that sounds so bad. I’m still gonna miss it though. College starts in 9 days, my anxiety is already peeking through but this time, my anxiety is gonna be my companion, not my enemy. My anxiety and I are gonna get out there and make the most out of it together. It’s a part of me, it’s a part of who I am, and it’s about time to stop fighting it and just accept the fact that it’s always gonna be somewhere near me. I think it’s a better idea to start trying to get along with it instead of wishing it could go away. I believe it’s gonna be okay. So, I’ve been thinking about publishing my blog on Instagram, share all of this with the world on there but I still haven’t found the courage to do it. The thought of everyone knowing what happened to me, and what has been happening to me is just so scary. On the other hand, I know for sure it would help people feel less alone and more understood. I’m sure there are a lot of people struggling with something and they probably think it’s something to be ashamed of and that’s exactly why I would want to talk about things so openly. I want to contribute to normalizing talking about mental health, especially when it comes to Albanians. I’ve written about it before, mental health is not a topic that Albanians often discuss. And it should be because the mentality that has been passed on from generation to generation has left people suffering their entire life. I was born and raised outside of Kosovo where my parents are from, however, our household is a typical Albanian household. Even though we live in a place that is completely different from it, my parents have kept that same mentality and haven’t really opened their minds to stuff they’ve never heard about before. In my story, that’s where not talking about emotions comes from. I never did it when I was younger. I was literally born convincing myself that everything was fine and even if something wasn’t fine at all, I always ended up leaving it somewhere behind. Over the years, it became too much, and everything that I ever left in the back of my mind, all of a sudden became what occupied my mind the most. And it became painful. It made me suffer. My mom would ask me what’s wrong but how do you explain to your mom that the child inside of you has had enough? How do you explain that the adult you isn’t doing good in college because of anxiety? She would probably ask ‘where the hell is this coming from?’ without realizing that it’s something that’s been developing for years and years. So I started talking. My parents haven’t really changed, but I’m in peace because I’m doing something good now. Even though it’s not really comfortable, I’m allowing myself to express how I feel. I talk about emotions all the time. I talk about good times and bad times and how it’s all a part of life which we can learn something from. My mom kinda loves it because I sound like an old lady which I probably am deep down. No matter where you come from or where you live, mental health and mental illness is an important topic that should be regularly discussed. By talking about it, we can make a huge change. We can make it become ‘a thing’. It can happen to anyone, anytime, so please make this world safe enough to allow people to express their pain without shame. Pain is inevitable, in one way or another. Respect it, listen to it, learn from it, and don’t judge people for it. And even if you do judge, I kindly ask you to keep it to yourself.  Next time you ask someone ‘how are you’ be open to hearing the answer ‘not so good’. You know why? Because when the person is done saying ‘I’m fine’ they’re doing something really badass! They’re admitting they’re not doing good and that’s exactly what the first step to getting better is. Things can get so much better. And they can get much better by just being there for each other. So be there for each other. Listen. There’s no need for words, just for real presence. 

Be present. And most of all, be honest. 

To be continued. 

Goodnight.

♡ Albesa 

Mad, sad, grateful and optimistic (two weeks of mixed emotions)

Saturday / September 7, 2019

I’ve felt a lot these past two weeks but I just couldn’t convert those feelings into letters. Everything felt wrong somehow. I’ve been struggling to express myself lately so I didn’t want to force anything. It happens, it’s okay. Today is the day though, I’m here, ready to take a step back and let it all out so let me tell you what’s been going on. Here we go. Every single day has been full of mixed emotions lately. I’m sad but happy. I’m heartbroken but fulfilled. I feel stuck but I’m also noticing how much I’ve grown. I feel disconnected from the world but also more connected than ever; all at the same time. What is this? And so I thought to myself while I was on my way to yesterday’s therapy session; ‘what do I even want to talk about?’ I arrived, I sat down and boom; I couldn’t stop talking. I had so much to say. I noticed right away where the mixed feelings were coming from. I didn’t communicate with myself at all in these past 2 weeks. I allowed myself to get carried away by negativity, madness, sadness. It was mainly what I was noticing. There were a few beautiful moments in between, like random acts of kindness in public transport, but other than that, I was mad and sad about something every day. Now that I’ve sat down in order to have a proper conversation with myself, I realized that I got consumed by my surroundings. I’m surrounded by a lot of people on a daily basis. I dislike a lot of them. I’m thankful for my job and the opportunity to work, however, I must admit I’m negatively surprised by my colleagues almost every day. The entitlement, the tone of the voice, the body language, the way people talk about each other, how fast information spreads, wow, just wow. And since I go to work every day, I hear stuff I wouldn’t want to hear so I really do understand why I’ve been mad. I must admit I’ve lost a lot, if not almost all of my motivation for work by now. Luckily, I only have three more weeks of it left before I’m back in college. I know I’m gonna miss the company because it’s truly amazing but honestly, truthfully, I can’t wait for it to end. You know what’s going through my mind now that I’m writing this? ‘What if my colleagues see this someday’? Well, nothing, this is my personal experience this year and it’s okay that I’m not so happy with it. I didn’t like it as much as I did last year, I didn’t really click with my team this year, and I’ve been going through a lot myself as well which didn’t really help with being a little bit more talkative. The things I mentioned above don’t apply to everyone. Moving on to the next thing, much more important, that has had a negative impact on me: neverending family dramas. It’s funny to me how I’m always surprised by the way my sisters and I get misunderstood by our parents. We say one thing, our parents hear something completely different. We try to explain what we want and what we want is always super crazy to them. How do we find a way to communicate effectively? We end up fighting and yelling and getting nowhere. We end up going backward with every fight. I notice that my sisters use harsh words very often and even though I understand where their negative emotions are coming from, I think it would help us altogether if they tried to communicate in a more calm way and choose their words more carefully. And last but not least, the most important concern I’ve had; my relationship with myself and my eating disorder. I haven’t written about it that much but it’s been really tough. Six years of suffering, and trying to rebuild my relationship with food. It has exhausted me physically, mentally, emotionally. I’m not doing that good, and I’m finally considering to seek for professional help. I think I’ve tried to do it by myself for too long. I somehow thought it wasn’t that bad. But it is bad. I feel like a different person when I get carried away by my sadness and try to comfort myself with food. I need help and I acknowledge that. It’s scary but I’m ready to open up about it. We’ll see what happens. For now, what matters to me is that I’m willing to give it a try. All in all, I’m doing just fine, sometimes mad but mostly very optimistic. Talk to yourself, ask yourself how you’re doing and pay attention to what thoughts you hold on to. You and I, all of us, will never stop hearing stuff we don’t want to hear but that doesn’t have to be the reason our days get ruined. Create a distance from everything that doesn’t feel good to you. Carry on with your day focusing on the good stuff and being genuinely grateful. That’s what I did today, and see, I was able to sit down, and understand what was going on. Everything becomes more clear once you start getting rid of the unhealthy and unnecessary. I think we all have to do more of that.

Take care.

Til’ next time. 

♡ Albesa

 

Managing to stay calm, Kosovo and some other stuff

[3:14 PM / Sunday / March 31, 2019.]

I’m sitting in the backyard of my house enjoying today’s sunny day. The mountain that’s my view is just amazing and so inspiring. I’ve cleaned the house a little, I cooked a nice meal and now I’m here trying to figure out what’s been going on in my heart. I’ve been in Kosovo for a week now and oh boy, I’m so happy but full of mixed emotions at the same time. I don’t even know what I wanna say, I just know that I’m doing good and at this point, that’s all I care about. I have no clue where I’m going in life, I’ve already written that before and I mean it, but I’m managing to stay calm and let time show me what decisions I’m gonna make. I’m not trying to figure out everything at once and that is, my dear people, big progress for me. Me thinking about the future and constantly being afraid of it was one of the main causes of my anxiety. I still think about the future, of course, I do, but now I’m pretty much okay with the thought of things not going as planned. One door closes, another one opens. It’s always good to come to Kosovo to get away from the toxic atmosphere I’m surrounded by in Croatia. I’m always trying to find ways to feel at least okay with my life there but it’s always an on and off thing. I have everything that I need, but I always feel like a stranger. Does that have to be a bad thing though? On the other hand, life in Kosovo wouldn’t be a dream either. Kosovo is a country that I like to call a work in progress. There are a lot of things that must be improved here, a lot of people are still quite small-minded, sexism is a giant problem and job-related possibilities are very limited. Anyway, let’s go back to what I usually write about. I visited my grandma yesterday. She’s been suffering from Parkinson’s disease for ten years now and her health is worse than before every time I visit her. I’ve had a very close relationship with her ever since I can remember, everyone knows that I’m ‘qika gjyshës’ which in Albanian means ‘grandma’s girl’. It’s absolutely heartbreaking to see her not being able to walk independently or do anything else without someone else’s help. She can barely talk now and I could barely hear what she was telling me, a little because she was talking quietly and a little because I was sobbing. I could literally feel her pain while she was holding my stone-cold hand. My grandma is one of a very few people who has never ever criticized me and I’m so thankful for that. There are no words to describe the amount of love I have for her and that’s something that’s never going to change. I wish she didn’t suffer her entire life, I wish people she’s surrounded by every day cherished her a little more. I don’t really know what else to say, I’m gonna try and have a good time with my cousin best friend while we’re together here in Kosovo. Flor and I just go well together, it’s easy for us to be around each other. We never fight and it’s because we’re able to communicate and solve things before it’s too late. I just love us together and what we have. That’s pretty much it, my dear people. I hope whoever gets to read this is doing okay. Don’t forget to be kind to yourself and others around you. And be very, very grateful. 

Love, Albesa 

A glimpse of health

[10:54 PM / Saturday / March 17, 2019]

I have no idea what I wanna say but there is a little something inside my chest that I feel like expressing. I’ve been very calm for quite some time now. My life is far from perfect, I still struggle with some unhealthy habits, I have no clue where I’m going in life but I’m, surprisingly, not freaking out and it feels so, so, relieving. I’m trying to figure out ways to lessen self-destructive behavior. I used to obsess over the past and over the future so much that it made me unhealthy. I used to suffer all the time and it’s all because of the way I was treating myself, my thoughts and my mind. Of course, I still think about the past and the future but it’s so different now. Nowadays I think about both in a way that does not bring me down, in a way that makes me appreciate myself, and life in general, more. I appreciate my patience, my willingness to try again, my willingness to learn from painful situations and the effort I put into learning, growing and improving. I’m glad I decided to ask for help. That decision saved my life. I look back and all I can say is that, if you want to get better, improve yourself and your life, and be healthy, the first thing you have to do is stop being bitter. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Life happens, we make unhealthy decisions, we go through things we don’t deserve but think about it; what’s the best you can do in those situations? I think the best option is to learn from it, accept it no matter how hard it is and move on. Moving on means choosing to live life focusing and doing things that make you happy. I’m not saying it’s easy, I’m just listing some healthy possibilities that make life easier by practicing them. I’m mad sometimes, I think about how life is unfair sometimes, but I’m never bitter. And I’m not bitter because I choose not to be. I choose to be grateful instead. I choose not to waste my life counting what I’ve lost when there are so, so many good things I have in life. I’m healthy, I’m able to make healthy decisions, I have a family (a little crazy but oh well), I have not one, but two homes, in two different countries, I have a few friends who treat me the way I deserve to be treated and I have an endless wish to learn, grow and improve. I have a camera that I use for my creativity, I have a bunch of books that help my brain develop, I have this blog where I shamelessly write about my life and still feel good about it. All of that is priceless and remembering that every day is what makes life worth living. I’m sure that you, the person reading this, can also list quite a few amazing things that you usually take for granted. Write them down, remember how much they mean to you. I’ll never stop saying this; ask for help!!! You can try to paint a picture but ego is a transparent thing, easy to read and it’s present way before you are. Your energy can be felt before you say a single word. Talk to someone reliable, confront how you truly feel, use your possibilities. Focus on what benefits you. My dear people, before you start thinking your problems can’t be solved and that I’m probably someone who has a perfect life, please remember I’m someone who has just recently recovered from depression. I understand why people feel hopeless. I understand why people don’t want to leave the house. The things I write about are not just words to make me sound wise, it’s what I believe in, it’s what I know helps, and I know it from my own experience. The ‘it gets better’ really exists, recovery is real. Life will never be perfect, it just gets easier when you start choosing yourself and doing what’s good for you. Self-care is not selfish. People not being happy with decisions that you make believing they’re the best for you is not one of your responsibilities. You’re your only responsibility. Learn, grow, improve and then help others do the same. 

Health, love, and light to everyone.

Love, Albesa

 

Emotions of this exact moment

[3:22 AM, Tuesday, February 12, 2019.]

I’m sitting on my bed, listening to music, thinking about life and how certain things happened. I’ve written about my mental health so much. I’ve tried to express my pain through letters and I don’t know if I did it well but let me cut it short and tell you: my life used to be a disaster. I was unhealthy, in every aspect possible. After going to therapy, and a few healthy decisions that I make every day, I’m here feeling healthy, learning more than ever, improving more than ever and minding my own business more than ever. But I’m also feeling confused. Why is it that when things are going well, something starts to suck so much? I guess this is just another proof that life is never going to be perfect. There is stuff we’ll never be able to control; the effort the other person puts into your relationship, for example. I’ve been a loyal friend, tried to be there for them as much as I could, always made sure they knew they’re loved and now I’m here thinking about where I stand with them. And as much as it breaks my heart to write this, I guess I don’t stand with them anymore. You know why? Because when I started going to therapy, learning about myself, analyzing my mind and my unhealthy habits, I realized I’ve given love to people who didn’t do the same for me, not in the same way I did for them. I realized I was investing effort and energy in relationships that would not exist without my investments. I’m not blaming anyone for anything, I’m just expressing my feelings from my viewpoint. Now that I’m learning and changing for the better, ending unhealthy relationships feels so, so uncomfortable even though they’ve caused me a lot of sadness. I’ve been a people pleaser my entire life and putting myself first just doesn’t feel natural to me. I’m still learning. Sometimes I even feel guilty. Times like those when guilt starts to take over me, I make sure I take a break and remember I did everything I could to make things work and that’s what gives me permission to continue working on myself without unhealthy ideas getting on my way. I’m not a perfect human, I don’t even strive to be one, I might have hurt people out of ignorance and I’m willing to accept it and learn from it but if I ever ask ‘how are you?’ it’s always genuine and coming straight from the heart. While recovering from depression, change, growth, and healthy decisions that, in the beginning, don’t even make sense are inevitable. I’m doing good, I’ve progressed so much and I’m really happy. I’ve been calm,  trying to eat as healthier as possible and appreciating my newly re-developed ability to focus and read books which I love so much. All of that is what I’m grateful for but speaking about right now, about this exact moment, I really can’t stop wishing I could help people get better. This is one of the things I have yet to understand; the fact that I can’t help everyone, especially not the ones who don’t want to be helped for one reason or another. I will have to accept that sometimes it’s better to leave people alone, let them figure it out by themselves and just wish them well. 

At this exact moment, I’m sad that there are less and less people that I can ask ‘how are you?’

I hope I’m making sense at least a little bit.

Love, Albesa

Afraid and unstoppable at the same time

[8:27 PM / Monday / August 12, 2018]

Sometimes I wonder where I’m going and where I’m gonna end up. Sometimes I feel like I’m gonna get lost in whatever path I choose to follow. Sometimes I’m not sure if I’m strong enough or brave enough to handle the cruel reality brought by life itself. I know who I am and I know what I’m capable of doing but I’m afraid you know? No matter how strong I think I am, there’s always this certain amount of fear following me everywhere I go. Fear mixed with doubt I’d say. I’m a very positive person and I try to learn from every situation I find myself in but there’s always this never-ending ‘but’. ‘But what’? I ask myself, ‘why are you always trying to find something to be afraid of ?’ I ask myself. What is it so enormous and giant that can take over me so easily? Is it really there or is it just a product of my past experiences? Whatever it is, I have decided that it’s not gonna stop me anymore. I’m gonna confront it even if it starts feeling unbearable. I may be scared but that won’t stop me from following what my heart wants me to do. I may have a hurtful tornado inside of my chest, but what if it’s only hurtful because I treat it badly? Maybe I have to treat it as a beautiful part of mother nature and it becomes peaceful like the ocean?

I tell myself;

‘Nature is wild, unpredictable and scary but that hasn’t stopped people from hugging lions. Everything seems to be a little chaotic but with the right mindset, approach, effort and determination, even the wildest dreams can become a part of your reality. And remember, neither you or your dreams have to make sense to somebody else besides you.’

Love, Albesa

Good or bad? (only time will show)

[12:40 PM / Sunday / June 22, 2018]

I’ve been wanting to take some time, sit down and write for a few days now and I’m finally here thinking about all of the things I want to mention in this story. I want to talk about my journey so far. I’m talking about my health, my growth, my development and stuff like that. I’ve been writing about my journey ever since I started this blog (which I like to call journal because that’s basically what it is). I’ve written stories while I was feeling low, I’ve written stories while I was feeling much better and it shows nothing more and nothing less than the raw reality of dealing with emotional pain. There are some absolutely awful days when you feel like you’re dying, which is probably one of the most terrible feelings a human being can feel, and there are brighter days when you actually dare to imagine yourself living a happier life. There is this thing in the human brain that is called imagination. The thing with imagination is that it’s one of the biggest liars ever. Now, why am I saying this? Because the negative things we imagine in our head are mostly not true. Everything we spend the night thinking about is most likely not that big of a deal as it seems to be. We stress so much about things we’re not sure are even going to happen, we overthink about opinions of people who know nothing about us and in the end what we do is hurt ourselves because we take our imagination way too far, we take it deep inside of us and let it become a dark piece of our daily life. Let me tell you my college story one more time. I applied for college back in 2016. even though I knew I wasn’t mentally prepared for something like that because it requires a lot of effort, time and focus. Being an unhealthy person (depression, anxiety, sleep disorder, eating disorder…) it was impossible for me to dedicate my time and my energy to all of the studying I had to do. I went to college for a year, I passed a few exams and came to an end of the first year. When the final exams came, I knew that was the end of my college journey, I knew I couldn’t push it any further. I didn’t know how to tell my parents who knew nothing about my struggles. June 2017. was probably one of the darkest months I have ever lived through, my depression, my anxiety and my overthinking made me suffer to the point where I really wasn’t sure if I could make it to another day. I couldn’t study, I couldn’t read, I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t sleep. I would spend my days (nights)  watching movies because it would help me forget about my struggles for a little bit. The clock was ticking, exams were coming and I was getting worse. One night, I burst into tears and told my parents I had to leave college which was devastating for them way more than it was for me. I told them I tried because of them and I told them that I couldn’t push it any longer. Something I never thought I could do, something I spent nights and nights thinking about happened. I left college. Me telling my parents about it, me actually not going back to college, it was all way worse in my imagination. It felt terrible in reality, it wasn’t an easy thing to deal with but the image was so much worse, it caused me so much pain and it wasn’t even real. Here I am, one year later feeling one thousand percent better, feeling like a completely different person, much better and much healthier. And who would have known? Back in 2017. leaving college seemed like the most terrible thing that I never wanted to happen but one year later, when I see how much my life has changed, I’m thankful for that decision, I admire myself for leaving something that was causing me even more pain than I was already dealing with. The point of this story is that you never really know if something is good or bad. You just don’t. You don’t get that answer right away, you have to let time pass and show you what was meant for you and what was not. I got my answer one year later. Leaving college which back in the day felt like the most terrible thing ever is one of the best decisions I have ever made. I’m in a much better place now, not torturing myself, I’m much healthier and I feel better about life in general. While becoming healthier and trying to improve the quality of my life out of college, I got a job which helps me be financially stable, I regulated my sleep, I do what fulfills me almost every day and the best part of it is that I got the chance to rethink and realize that I actually want to study something else. I studied journalism which is great but I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. All the hardships that I went through made me realize that journalism wasn’t the best option for me otherwise I would have found a way to keep fighting, right? Life is unpredictable and things are never as bad as they seem. Try to look at things as if they were people. You can’t just look at someone and assume that that the person you’re looking at likes extra cheese on their pizza without even having talked to them, ever in your life. You don’t know that person, you don’t have experience with that person and it’s the same with things in life. You don’t know if something is good or bad, and just because you think a certain way it doesn’t mean they are really like that. The best way to get to know if something is good or bad is to try, see the result of your actions and see how it affects your life. I tried going to college, the result wasn’t good and it affected my life negatively. These are the three things that are enough for you to leave. Leave for the better, improve your life, create a new plan and follow it. While creating a new plan, make sure you know that plans are never easy and smooth so prepare yourself for some possible adjustment in the process. Remember that it’s easier to change the plan than to give up and keep being a miserable person. No change is as hard as going to sleep knowing you disappointed yourself as if you were your own biggest enemy. Think about what you want and go for it. Your life is a reflection of your mindset and your decisions. It’s never too late and it’s never as hard as we think it is, but in order to see that, the first thing to do is try. Always remember your vision and don’t get discouraged so easily. Don’t be ashamed to ask for help. Life can be so much different a year from now but it only becomes different if you make changes. The power is in your mindset and it’s you who has to realize that and finally start using it.

Leaving college is not the worst thing in the world. The idea of me leaving college caused me so many negative emotions because I come from a family who didn’t even get the chance to go to high school, let alone college. I thought my parents would think I was being ungrateful and lazy. I thought my parents would be disappointed and never get over it. I was feeling the pressure to keep going to college because my parents never got the chance to do it. But we are not our parents, and no matter how much we love them, we have to think about what we want because we are the ones who know our deepest selves and we are the ones who know what can make us truly happy. Your parents might get mad in the beginning but they will eventually get over it. When they see you doing what you love, they’re going to be happy even if they disagreed in the beginning. Do your thing and don’t worry, it’s not that bad! 

Love, Albesa

Growth, gratitude, and improvement

[2:09 PM / Sunday / June 17 2018]

Here I am once again, starting a story without really knowing what I’m gonna write. I’m not worried about it though, the stories that I write without planning them turn out being the most relieving ones. Anyway, let’s start. I don’t like the fact that I haven’t written in so long. Actually, I have written a bunch of stories but they’re kind of all over the place. I own way too many notebooks and each of them contains small bits of stories that I started writing in another notebook. I’ve been quite confused these days. I don’t really know how I feel anymore and I truly mean it when I say it. Things have not been getting better or worse, they’re kind of the same most of the time. I got used to my new, work life, routine and I like it because I finally feel like my life makes sense, at least a little bit. When it comes to work, I must mention that I’m doing pretty good however, I know I haven’t been trying my hardest. I’m not gonna start with excuses, I’m just gonna say that I’m gonna work harder and be even more content with my work. A month and a half have gone by since I started working and, oh boy, time goes so fast! I got my first ever salary which felt so strange because I felt like a real adult for the first time in my 20 years of life. Since I’m talking about work, let me mention that I told my manager about my anxiety problems. I had to do it because she asked me why I never ate in the kitchen where all of my colleagues eat. Her answer was the answer that I was expecting; ‘it’s all in your head.’ So many things were going through my mind at that moment. When I came home, one of the things I wrote down in my notebook was this one: ‘people tell me ‘it’s all in your head’ without realizing that that’s exactly the biggest problem people like me deal with. We suffer because it’s in our heads, it’s us who have to live with it day by day. It’s us who have to fight with it day by day. It’s me worrying about every little thing around me, it’s me that I’m afraid of what will happen tomorrow. If those thoughts about me were in someone else’s head, I wouldn’t spend a single minute worrying about it, trust me.’ I can’t remember if I’ve ever written anything more truthful than that. I don’t think I’ve ever agreed with myself more. I have realized one more time that people don’t understand the struggle that anxiety and depression bring, neither do I expect them to anymore. I remember describing it in a few words and it just never worked. My pain, my struggle and my fear, they were always belittled, which only ended up causing me even more negative emotions. I’m okay now, I really am. I’m aware of everything, I’m trying not to think about anything that makes me unhappy, I’m trying to improve the quality of my life. I have a few plans that make me happy just thinking about them so I’m gonna work on those. One of the best things you can do for yourself is keep yourself busy with the things that fulfill you so choose a few things you would like to do more and every time you have some extra time, do one of those things. Spend your time in peace, spend your time away from places/things that remind you of rough times, disappointments, a broken friendship or a broken relationship. Work hard on creating a new, healthier surrounding that will make you feel like a new person which has nothing to do with who you were or where you’ve been in the past. You have the right to start over anytime you want, you have the right to make changes and make the most out of your time while you’re still alive. You have the right to do the things that people disagree with as long as you know that the option you’re choosing is the best option for you. Cherish the things we usually take for granted, cherish your health, your family, friends, food, your roof over your head. Gratitude, compassion, and positivity are a way of life, it takes some time to learn to live like that but once you’re there, you’ll realize how simple some things can be if we don’t makeup things in our heads. Let people know how much they mean to you, be that one ‘annoying’ friend who keeps saying ‘I love you’ all the time. If that’s a part of you, don’t hide it. I tell my cousin/best friend I love her at least 5 times a week because I really do and when that thought comes into my head, I express it. Acting cold or emotionless is not really my thing neither do I think it’s cool or funny. Emotions are meant to be expressed otherwise you’ll kill yourself way before you’re really dead. Oh, yeah, let me end this story with some nice things. I feel like I’ve grown even more since I’ve started working. I acknowledge every little bit of my progress and it makes me extremely happy. I’m also continuing my therapy very soon which is absolutely awesome. I’ll be out of the dark room sooner than I know! My goal for this month is to keep this positive mindset and keep moving forward. That’s basically it, I don’t think I have anything left to say at the moment. I’ll definitely write more in the future, I’ll try at least once a week. We’ll see, no worries, no pressure. My dear people, I wish you a good time and a healthier life. Work hard on yourself, achieve what you want to achieve and stay humble. And to all the hardships, heartbreaks and disappointments, it’s time to say goodbye. We’re all leaving you behind.

We got this.

Love, Albesa

A result of a sleepless night 2

[2:30 AM / Saturday / February 25 2018]

I feel like I’ve been thrown to the wolves. I feel like I’m dying as time is passing by. I feel my spirit getting exhausted from all the heavy weight it has to deal with. I feel my heart pounding like crazy because I’m stuck in this unknown zone. I call it ‘unknown zone’ because at this point, I know nothing about my life. Absolutely nothing. I don’t know where I’m going and where I’m gonna end up. I have better days but I’m not getting better. I have faith in the good but I’m so afraid of the bad. I’m terrified. I try so hard to keep myself busy, I really do. I waste my time effortlessly scrolling through the nonsense on the Internet just so I don’t have to think about my misery. This is not me. I see myself in the mirror but this is not me. I’ve never been a person who gives up easily. I’ve never been a person who likes to sit at home and do nothing productive all day. I used to be obsessed with the things that fulfill me. Walking around with my camera used to be a routine of mine. I used to see beauty everywhere, even in the things I saw every day. It didn’t matter, they were never boring. I used to go for a walk everytime I felt myself getting hit by my anxiety and it helped me a lot. I still do that but not as often and as much as I need it. I find myself looking for stupid excuses for not doing something that could help me. ‘It’s cold outside.’ ‘I’m tired, I haven’t slept in 30 hours.’ ‘I’m gonna do something productive at home.’ Who am I lying to? Who am I trying to fool? I know I’m not doing my best, I’m really not. It’s not an excuse but I know why. I get discouraged so easily. And since it’s so easy, it happens a hundred times a day. And that’s a really bad thing. Things that happen on a daily basis, even the smallest ones, they break my heart and they take my willingness away. I’m constantly reminded of things I want to forget. I want to forget so many things, yet I feel them spreading poison inside my body. It’s not my fault. A lot of things happened over the last four and a half years and I lost myself trying to find a way to deal with them. I haven’t found a way to deal with my emotions other than sitting at home feeling completely heartbroken. I have not used my tragedies as motivation like a lot of people do. I didn’t know how to live with them so I, unintentionally, let them dictate my life. It brought me nowhere but these curvy roads of doubt, fear and disappointment. I see it now. I see that I should have thought more about myself and less about everybody else. I see that I shouldn’t have thought that I could protect everyone. I shouldn’t have thought that I can force myself to forgive people for letting me down so badly. I should have said it a long time ago, that I’m hurt and disappointed, but I haven’t because I didn’t want to make them feel bad about their actions. Does keeping my mouth shut means I’m supporting their actions that have hurt me? Does that mean that I’m as guilty as them? My dear people, I have said it before but I’m gonna say it again. I have learned so much about myself and other people while being at my lowest. People are not gonna treat you right just because you treat them right. Such a thing has become rare a long time ago. Don’t expect people to care about you the way you care about them. People are afraid of letting other people into their life and the best way to prevent that is acting cold. You’re gonna meet those kind of people and I can guarantee you, that’s the case in most of the times. People get hurt and traumatized. They develop many fears such as meeting new people and getting let down once again. Fear of getting more personal with someone because they might use it for wrong purpose. Trust issues, self-doubt, pesimism and many other serious disorders ocurr. I must make myself act deaf and blind sometimes. I must do that so that I don’t see things that break my heart. I only want to feel alive from now on because I’ve been feeling dead for a long time now and I don’t accept that version of me. I hate it. Hate doesn’t have a place in my heart, never has, never will. I want my heart to pound like crazy, but from happiness and positive excitement, not from anxiety and depression. I want to beat this dark and toxic version of myself so that, one day, I can help others do the same thing. I want to prove myself that life can be beautiful even after being broken. I want to be an example to people who suffer like me. I want to give them hope and support to become healthy and happy again. I’m gonna put in work in myself and then work on getting the possibility to help others. I’m gonna achieve everything that I dream of and non of this darkness will ever stop me. It might make my heart break, but my spirit, never. 

Sending light, positivity and support to everyone who needs it. 

We got this.

Love, Albesa

Becoming healthier

[10:10 PM / Thursday / January 25 2018]

I have chosen to change my life completely. I’m calmer than ever now that I understand that changing my life is entirely about me and my decisions. The things around me are gonna remain the same but it’s not about changing the things around me anyway, it’s about changing what I choose to focus on. I’ve been suffering from depression for four and a half years now and making changes after such a long period of time feels very scary. After all these years, I must say that I’ve learned to live with my pain, I’ve adapted my life to it and everything that’s not a part of it is terrifying. I’m afraid of trying something new, I’m afraid of the things I failed at in the past. I’m afraid of being disappointed in myself. I’m afraid of being defeated by my fears. I know that nothing is actually as bad as I think it is and to prove that to myself, I must break the ice of fear that’s stopping me from living my life. I want to start breaking that ice no matter what. I’ve had the idea that I’m wasting my life in my head for a long time now and I know I’ll have it until I make some changes. I don’t want to feel like I’m wasting my life and that’s why I’m trying to do everything that I can. The progress is slow but every small step is precious. I don’t want to feel guilty if getting out of bed is everything I feel like doing today, I’ve had days when I couldn’t do it because I just wanted to sleep my pain away. But I don’t want to do that anymore because that’s not the way to change my world. My world is not gonna change while I’m sleeping. It’s gonna be dark, unhappy and bitter until I do something to lighten it up. So I tell myself ”acknowledge your small steps and cherish them.” Small steps count too because they lead to big changes. Fear is a part of every journey but it should never be bigger and stronger than my wish to feel better. I’ve said this many times before; life will keep being the same as long as we keep doing the same things over and over again. Maybe the things I’m afraid of are the things that are life-changing. Every idea that is the opposite of every awful emotion that I feel on a daily basis is an idea worth turning into a plan. I tell myself ”follow your vision and your plan, focus on it and start doing it. It doesn’t matter if it’s 2 AM or 5 PM, make a change every time you feel that energy inside of you.” I must write down every positive thought that randomly comes into my mind. Today’s positive thought is valid and it’s encouraging. Today’s positive thought could keep me going tomorrow. Tomorrow’s positive thought could encourage me to try something that could change my depression-adapted routine. People rarely care about what I’ve been through or how much I’ve have struggled in the past. I want to give myself the support and applause I once expected from others. My goal is to learn to love myself and my life and to live in peace without having other people’s approval. ‘If you try hard enough you will succeed’; yes this is true but it’s only true when the situation is entirely about me. If other people are involved but not as interested as me, I want to learn when is the right time to stop trying. I have hurt myself way too much by trying to forgive, forget and find excuses for mistakes that were done by someone I truly loved. No matter how much I love someone, I know that distancing myself from those individuals is required when I know my goal is to be mentally healthier. While trying to make some progress, I must occupy myself with happy thoughts, occupy myself with things I love doing and overthinking about a broken trust is definitely not one of them. I must accept it, leave it somewhere behind and move on with my life. I must keep in mind that life is so much more than every negative emotion I deal with on a daily basis. I must carry that reminder with me everywhere I go. I must stay strong so that one day when I’m happy and content with my life, I can look back at everything I will have gone through and say that I’m there because I believed in my happy thoughts which became my reality.

I’m almost there.

Love, Albesa

You, your enviroment and making changes

[6:00 PM / Wednesday / January 17 2018]

We’re surrounded by so many people, so many things, so many options that we get lost trying to pick the best of everything. What is the best according to you? People surround themselves with so many other people. While trying to be in good terms with everyone, there’s a possibility you’ll end up having zero people you can call when you need someone to talk to. I’ve said this so many times but please be aware that no matter how nice you are, not everyone will like you. Be aware of the fact that you’ll never be able to please everyone. Write down people’s names and circle the ones who you can be truly honest with. Those are the ones who are worth it. Make sure you stay close only to those people who make you feel good. Make sure the people you’re surrounded by meet your standards of being a good friend. So, the best option according to me is to be friends with people who are there for you as much as you are there for them. Keep your circle small and appreciate the ones who never let you down. Make sure they know you’re thankful for them and that they can count on you anytime. If someone does something that damages your well-being, you have every right to distance yourself from them. Mental health and stability are priceless and no one has the right to take a piece of it from you. When it comes to money and material things, I try to save as much as possible and not spend my money on things I don’t need. For example: even though I don’t own a crazy lot of clothes, I still want to spend less money on it because I know I don’t need it as much as I buy it. I bought a lot of clothes in the past that ended up being worn only once or twice which is an unnecessary waste. I want to learn to manage my money better and not buy something just because I like it for a day or two. I’m teaching myself financial responsibility that way. I know I won’t always be able to afford something I will like and I don’t want to let that cause me negative emotions. I’m happy that I’m able to let it go and say ”It’s fine, I don’t need it anyway.” This proves that I don’t find satisfaction in material things more than I should which is a good sign. I’m learning every day. I’ve been appreciating time more than ever before because I spent so much of it not making any changes. I want to make a change every day now. A change that will help me feel better, live better and be a better person. It’s such a shame that we don’t see our possibilities and everything we’re capable of doing. It’s such a shame that we let our mindset us limits that in reality don’t even exist. It’s such a shame that we start to think we are what other people think of us. You’re doing good even when you think you’re wasting your time, you’re not to fat for that t-shirt, you’re not being lame when you’re being yourself. You’re so much more than your doubts. You’re so much more than an opinion of someone who doesn’t like you. People fail at different things many times but the key to success is not giving up. Fail, stand up, try again. Every failure is a lesson. Don’t judge yourself based on your past mistakes. Accept everything that happened and move on. The thing is that we change so much every day that we don’t even realize. We come to the point where we say ,,I’m not even that person anymore”, and it’s so true. You’re not your mistakes and everything you could have done better. I haven’t done big mistakes that haunt me but I do have some things I wish I could have done better. It’s fine I say. I can’t do anything about it, I can’t go back and change anything. What happened, happened. The point of your mistakes is to teach you things you’re not gonna do next time you find yourself in a simmilar situation. Pick the good things such as patience, tolerance, optimism out of everything bad. Those things are priceless. They can’t be given, they can’t be bought. They can only be found within you if you want to. If you can change something, do it. If you can’t, accept it and move on with your life. There are many things waiting for you to open your eyes while you’re sleeping and dreaming about changing something that can’t be changed.

I hope all of this makes some sense. Take care of yourself and the enviroment you’re in. We got this, my dear people. 

Love, Albesa

Who are you?

[2:24 AM / Friday / January 12 2018]

I’m not sure how this story is gonna turn out. I’m full of thoughts that I don’t know how to turn into words. I’ll try my best. Anyway, let’s start. I’m in that place in my life where all I want to do is work on myself and improve my life as much as possible. I’m in that place in my life where I no longer have space for negative energy, self-doubt and other ugly things that have dragged me down over the last four years. I don’t want to be on that same path anymore. I’m determined to grow as a person and learn about myself and the world as much as I possibly can. I’m working very hard on achieving stability, peace, harmony and confidence. I’m very happy about the fact that I’m so down for personal development and I’m even happier that I want to become the best version of myself for myself and not for someone else. It’s so imporant to work on accepting yourself the way you are and not feel pressured to be what other people expect you to be. I’ve been judged for my weight, my acne, my ears, my eyebrows and more. I have heard people commenting on my voice and the sound of my laughter which is honestly kind of crazy. Over the years, I became very self-conscious about everything written above. I started starving myself so I can be skinny as I was expected to be. I started to speak a little softer so that my voice wouldn’t sound raspy. I couldn’t recognize myself anymore. Everything I thought about was the fact that ‘I wasn’t enough’. Everyone around me seemed to be so much better than me. I spent so much time having ugly and poisonous thoughts in my mind and then I asked myself: Who are you?I had no answers to that question. All I knew about myself was that I was unhappy. I had to make some changes as soon as possible. I became so self-conscious and so anxious about everything. I couldn’t leave the house without having anxiety attacks. I isolated myself and so many things changed. I started to spend time with myself and the things I love doing. I occupied myself with my own little world. I didn’t feel the need to impress anyone in my own little world, that’s why it felt so good and peaceful. My little world accepted me the way I was, which I hadn’t had felt in a long time. Little by little, my mindset started to change. My voice is raspy and I accept it. My acne isn’t that bad at all. My ear is really not ugly. This is what my world told me and guess what? I started to bring my own little world with me everywhere I went. It feels strange because I’m still struggling but I’m working on it. I want to get rid of self-doubt completely. I want to be able to talk to people without having to worry about what they’re gonna think of me. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. It’s a work in progress. What I’ve noticed about myself is that I’ve come to the point where I feel like I know the person that I am. The girl I see in the mirror is not going to look back anymore because looking back makes her feel the same old pain over and over again. The girl I see in the mirror wants to move on and let go everything that’s been dragging her down. The girl I see in the mirror wants to live life peacefully, surrounded by people who appreciate her the way she appreciates them. I believe in improving myself and I want to do that every single day. Every single day is a new chance for learning something new about yourself and the world. Make the most out of your days. Appreciate your time. Work so hard on yourself until you’re no longer worried about the sound of your voice or the acne on your face. Work so hard on yourself until you no longer think that whatever you say sounds lame. Work so hard on yourself until you no longer feel the need to switch between three other versions of yourself depending on who you’re surrounded with. Work hard on yourself even after you’ve achieved what you wanted to achieve. You can never be too good or too smart or too nice. Be humble, be greatful, be nice to people, be nice to yourself. I hope all of you, my dear people,  including myself, make the most out of your life. I hope we all get to see that there’s so much more than pain, disappointments, doubt and sleepless nights. 

I ask myself; ‘Who are you?’ And guess what? I can’t choose between so many words I could say. Progress is precious.

Love, Albesa

Midnight walks and thoughts

I feel like I’ve lost everything, even though I haven’t. Walking down the streets I’ve always walked doesn’t feel the same anymore. These streets give me an unknown feeling and maybe it’s because I’m not how I used to be. The night hurts. The nights are full of thoughts that I try so hard to stay away from yet I feel closer to them every single day. I have thought about the ways to feel better, ways to feel good again but no matter what I thought, it never sounded like a good idea. Things that I thought would help me, helped me for a second and they became black and white, just like a lot of other things in my life. Depression is something that takes away so much from you and the worst thing about is that you don’t even notice. Every day feels empty and the things that you usually enjoy sometimes don’t even have an impact. It’s been four years. Four long years of feeling like I’ve lost myself. Four long years of not knowing what to do with myself. I’m tired, extremely tired. I have learned a lot of things from this but I have also lost a lot. I lost sunrises full of positivity because I wanted to sleep my pain away. I’ve lost so much energy trying to escape from what has been haunting me. I’ve lost faith in what I believed was stable and real. I’ve lost but I’m still breathing. The night hurts and days feel empty but I’ve kept going no matter what. Is that what I gained? Did I gain energy from getting tired? Is there any explanation for what is happening to me? I’ve lost so much but maybe I’m still breathing because I need to discover that I’ve gained much more than I’ve lost. Maybe. 

Love, Albesa

Memories, struggles and making peace

Thirty days of vacation are over. It’s time to go back to real life which is in my case toxic and full of struggles. It gets better, it’s fine. About my vacation in my homecountry Kosovo, all I have to say is that there have been moments I’ll never forget. From basic walks around the village to amazing concerts full of positive energy. Lifetime memores have been made, I’m happy. There have also been moments when I couldn’t help myself with my sadness, not that something extremely sad happened there, it’s just the fact that no matter where you go, your struggles will follow you, that’s exactly what happened to me. I went to Kosovo to relax and give my mind a break away from my everday life in Croatia but I don’t feel like I got any of that. I must admit that I got tired trying to escape from everything. As I said before, wherever you go, your feelings will come along and that’s the worst thing ever because you hope, that somewhere away where things are different from what you see every day, you will feel better and hopeful. You do feel better but it doesn’t last. Your mind gets ”fooled” by the things you don’t see every day but once it becomes natural, you’re back to your everyday state. Maybe it’s just me. Anyway, now that my vacation is over, it’s time to face the struggles and make peace with them somehow. I hope the things that make me happy bring me strength and energy to keep going until it gets better. I believe in progress in every single aspect. Nothing can ever limit us more than our own mind. What we need to do is believe in whatever we want to achieve, whether it’s overcoming depression or getting two college degrees at once. The power of our beliefs is so much more powerful than our doubts, once you believe you can achieve something you want, you’ll feel unstoppable. I haven’t experienced that feeling yet but I’ve talked to some amazingly inspiring people who truly made me believe that a positive mindset is the key that opens every door. Those kind of people are the only ones you need in your life. Keep your circle small, work hard, stay lowkey, be nice, be careful and stay humble. The rest will come, sooner or later. 

All my love, Albesa

Then and now

There are so many things I wanna say at the moment. There are so many things people I’m surrounded by don’t understand. I got tired trying to explain everything to everyone, I got exhausted. Back in 2013, I was dealing with eating disorders which lead to mental disorders such as anxiety and depression. I didn’t know how to deal with it or what I had to do in order to feel ”normal” again. I thought I could easily turn back to my normal life but waiting for it to get better by itself it only got worse. My sophomore year in highschool was pure darkness. I was completely unstable and my anxiety was at the highest point ever. I went to a private school where I was surrounded by people who were so lost that they thought everyone would like them because of their expensive clothes. I’m saying they were lost because they had no idea what they were doing and neither did I. My ”friends” kept asking me to hang out and no matter how much I tried to explain to them that I wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want to be in public, I failed. I don’t know if it was about me or about them but I failed, I admit it. My ”friends” couldn’t understand me even though I’m sure I made it clear that I was at my lowest point I had ever been. In case you were wondering, no, I’m no longer friends with any of them. I don’t blame anyone for anything, I believe that from their perspective, it looks like I pushed them away and that’s completely fine. I was not the person they had met years ago. They couldn’t find a reason to stay by my side. The person I had become was worried and isolated which is the opposite of the person I had been before. Maybe it was my fault for what happened but sadly, you can’t choose how you feel, I couldn’t fight against myself at the time. It was all a new thing to me, I didn’t know how to live with it. Looking back, I miss the person I used to be and I miss those carefree times we spent together but I would never want to be that person again. I would never want to be so close to people who left me when I needed them the most. I would never want to be friends with people who made me apologize for not feeling well. I don’t label myself anymore. I don’t define myself with words such as ‘a happy person’ or ‘a depressed person’. I don’t believe in that. I’m a lot of things and most of them are still not discovered. I’m here to live and discover my potential in all aspects and so are you. The memories I made will always be a part of me. I wouldn’t change anything because I can understand the person I used to be. What I need to do now is focus on the present, stop explaining my feelings and try to understand the person I am today.

Love, Albesa

About humans, battles and hope

I do not usually plan what I write but this time, it was not planned at all. Like at all at all. I got a wave of emotions all of a sudden and I felt like I would explode if I do not start writing. I do not even know what happened, maybe it is because I remembered everything that me and my friends have gone through and what we are going through right now. I know people say ”do not look back” but, man, it is so hard not to look back when some things from the past affect your presence. For example, it is very likely that someone who has gone through a rough heartbreak (does not have to be in a romantic way) is going to have major trust issues. It is possible that they are going to become less talkative or less outgoing. It is also possible that they are not going to be interested in meeting new people because they do not think they can trust them. I am writing this because it is how I feel which, of course, does not mean that everyone is going to feel like me. I do not know how life is supposed to be like and I believe it is different for everyone, but on the other side, what I do know is that people should not suffer and make others suffer. I believe that, since we are all human, we are here to help each other and do good to each other the way we do good to ourselves (questionable). The person that I am today has so much to say, so much to write. I have so many people that I want to talk to and so many places I want to visit. I struggle with keeping up with my constant battles that I can not seem to outgrow (I’m working on it). I am looking forward to getting better, going home to Kosovo and being the best student, sister, daughter and friend I can possibly be. I am feeling down and hopeless but tomorrow is a new day. I hope I wake up feeling motivated and strong enough to keep going no matter how hard it is. I believe in each and every human being who comes across this story. I believe in you and I believe in myself. We are stronger than all the pain in this world.

Love, Albesa

Hope (full – less)

 I’ve been under control of mixed emotions lately. The worst situation I can find myself in is the one when I don’t know what I want. Some of my days are full of motivation and other days are like “whatever”. How do I explain this? It’s a combination of wanting something but not having enough energy to get it (makes me wonder, do I really want it, is it even important to me?). Some situations include other people which makes it doubly harder. Sometimes we hurt people by pushing them away because we think that that’s exactly what they are going to do to us. It all makes sense, it really does. We live in a world where being selfless is risky, mainly because it’s mistaken for being weak or naive (“why do you do so many things for other people? None cares anyway”). But do I really need anyone to care about what I do? Do I expect them to care about what I do? There are thousands of questions in my head and some of them include these ones: how does care about other people the way we care about ourselves makes us weak in any way? Doesn’t that mean that we’re filled with extra positive energy? Why do we have to judge and have an opinion on everything? Why do we act like we’ve lived multiple lives before and this is just another one we’re living? Why can’t we all work on ourselves and be happy with our lives so we can get rid of negative emotions that cause us pain? Why can’t we help and support each other instead of judging and bringing out mistakes that were made in the past? Maybe it’s just my perception but with all that I wrote above, it’s completely understandable that we choose to stay in our comfort zone and keep our feelings to ourselves. No matter the world we live in, I hope we will all have the strength and courage to be exactly who we are.

I hope the world becomes safe enough for that.

Love, Albesa