A word or two about self-respect

It’s quite strange to me how you can meet people, they become a part of your life for a certain time and then it’s all gone. Everyone I’ve ever met has left a piece of themselves with me. I remember what they told me, I remember their life stories, I even remember their birthdays and daily routines. Sometimes I wonder how I remember so many small details about people, they would probably freak out if they knew. But when it’s all gone, what do we do? I’m very good at detaching, and continuing to live my life, but letting go is as sad as it is relieving. Sad because these people become a part of your life, you share details about your day with them, and they do the same with you. You get used to them and then all of a sudden, you know nothing about their day anymore. You don’t know if they graduated, if they got that job they talked about, if they visited that one place they were planning to. But sometimes you just have to wish them well. There is a reason why you choose to let go, no matter how hard it may seem at the moment when you’re still very much attached to the person. The point of this story is to bring awareness to self-respect. Self-respect or self-love is the answer to everything. There is nothing that you can’t get over when you’re fully aware of your worth and qualities. Once again, there’s a reason why things end. That one person was simply not for you; apologies in advance if that sounds a little too harsh. Your body recognises who is good for you and who isn’t. The feeling that you get when someone is unsure of you is like no other, it leaves you confused, and questioning a lot of things; and ignoring it won’t change anything. An interested person will make the chemicals in your brain go crazy; in a good way. Instead of insisting, waiting, or staying where you don’t belong, revalue yourself and make a decision that is genuinely good for you. You might miss that one person for a certain time but as you start focusing on yourself more, satisfaction, joy and peace will occur, and you will love it so much!. As time passes by, you will know exactly why certain things happened. You will be at peace, doing your own thing, without holding grudges. So one last word; if you’re not fully respected, appreciated, loved and valued just the way you are- leave. If they make you feel bad in any way, or small, or not good enough in any way – leave. If they can’t make a decision, you make the decision; to leave. Do not tolerate. Leave and love yourself, it will all make so much sense after some time. And you will be so proud of yourself for choosing yourself. That’s your duty in life. And mine, and everyone else’s. Self-love first, everything else second. 

♡, A.

When the time to let go comes

A letter dedicated to everyone who’s trying to love themselves more than the other person;

I know you’ve poured love, time and attention into this strange thing that you thought was special, but ended like it was nothing; before it even started properly. I know you’ve given so much of yourself into creating a path that was meant to be for two people but you somehow ended walking all by yourself through it. I’m not trying to take away your sadness, or tell you that you shouldn’t be sad. You’re allowed to be sad. I’m not trying to tell you that it’s not worth it, or some other common words that people say while trying to console us. I’m trying to let you know that you’re not alone, and that there’s someone out there who is willing to listen to you talk about the same thing over and over again, a million times and never make you feel like ‘it’s time to get over it.’ We don’t just get over things, please take your time. There’s no need to rush anywhere. Take your time to rest, heal, and find light again. Take some time to reflect on yourself, and what you need at the moment. Days like these exist, and they’re tricky. We get stuck between the heart, and the brain and those two at times want two completely different things. So what can we do? What’s the solution? That little voice that talks to you, listen to it. It’s your inner voice that’s almost never wrong. If it tells you to walk away, please do so. You keep trying to see only the good in people, you keep trying to find reasons to keep them in your life, but a proper thing doesn’t require trying that hard, to the point where you feel tired more than anything else. You deserve better. You don’t deserve to be confused, wondering whether this person is telling you the truth or not. Whether you’re important to them or not. If you’re constantly questioning whether someone cares about you or not, the answer is already pretty clear. And I’m sorry. These words might not be easy to hear, but the ones who love you need to remind you of some things that you want to forget. You’ve done more than enough. You can’t keep people in your life being the only one who’s trying. You can’t keep giving if you never get anything in return. So let go of what makes you tired, of what keeps taking and taking from you, because at some point, you’ll start feeling like there’s nothing left in you. And knowing how full of love, beautiful energy, and respect you are, ending up feeling empty might be the most devastating thing. 

You deserve better. 

♡ Albesa

(Originally written for my cousin who I love so dearly; I thought I’d be a good idea to share with the people of my journal)

‘You care too much’

I’ve always been the one to care more, to care so much in such an intense way. I don’t necessarily hate that about myself, but I don’t necessarily like it either. You know why? Because I could care so much about someone and that still doesn’t guarantee anything. I could care so much about someone and still have to let them go; for my own sake. I’ve gotten taken for a fool, so many times in my life, by so many different people who meant a lot to me. My trust has been taken for granted, the second chances that I’ve given were taken for granted. I’ve been told I was too naive, too nice, too soft, too caring. And at some point in my life, I got really annoyed by it. I thought I had to change because being caring wasn’t taking me anywhere. I was annoyed by the fact that I always wanted to know how someone was doing, and I was annoyed because they probably didn’t care that much about how I was doing. But I’m constantly reminding myself of one thing: that’s them, that’s how they function. And I’m not them. There were moments when I let the critics get into my head which led to me trying to be a bit colder. There were moments when I tried to seem like I cared less than I actually did. But it only made me feel worse; because that’s simply not who I am. When someone is a part of my life, I want to know about their day, in small details preferably. I want to know everything they’re comfortable sharing. I want to know what’s going on with them. I want to know if I can help in any way. That’s me. Sometimes they will do the same for me and sometimes they won’t. Letting them go might hurt for a bit, but you get through it. The thing is that you don’t have to be like me and I don’t have to be like you. And it doesn’t mean one of us sucks or one is better than the other. We’re both just fine. Being more caring and less caring is both fine. Why can’t we criticize a little less and be respectful towards each other a little more? No matter what kinda person you are, the goal is to show the people that you care about them while they’re in your life, not when they leave. Let people know you appreciate them. Do your part. What happens next or how they react is out of your control; what matters the most is that you stay true to yourself, no matter how other people might percieve it. 

Our differences might take us in two different directions, but the respect between us can exist no matter where we end up. 

♡ Albesa  

First messy story of 2021 (what a surprise)

Wednesday / January 28, 2021

I can’t sleep. I feel the urge to write, to express myself, to relieve myself, to let my thoughts go. I feel the need to talk about my thoughts and my fears. A lot is going on and it seems like I can never catch a breath. There is constantly something taking my peace away. Me and my family are in a very complicated place in life right now. We have no idea what’s gonna happen next. We’re stressed, getting on each other’s nerves all the time, fighting all the time and what not. It’s intense. My dad felt obligated to sell the business where he had been working and managing the last 20 years. That business is where my parents have found stability in a foreign country, and for that I am forever grateful. I am grateful I had a stable childhood. We’re looking for a new business opportunity right now. It’s hard; especially during these covid times. I can’t do much; I guess I have to try and stay optimistic and hope for the best. Hope that some day soon, we will feel stable again. Sometimes I forget that all of this happened and so when I rememeber it, my stomach turns into a real mess. I feel like throwing up every time I remember the things that have happened in the past 6 months. I’m sad knowing that my parents don’t have a job for the first time in their lives. I’m devastated, but what is there to do? I’m in Kosovo right now, where I thought I’d feel a little better since I’m away from everything going on in Croatia but honestly, I think I’m even more stressed. I can’t stay calm due to uncertainty. There are many things going on for sure and what is there to do besides write? Write until my chest feels a bit lighter. On a good note, I visited my grandma’s grave a few days ago. I cried my heart out and it was much needed! I miss her so much, oh my god. I talked to her about so many things, and I have no idea if she’s somewhere around or not, but I like to believe she is. She is my hope, my light and my guardian angel. Also, I once wrote a story about how I went separate ways from a long time best friend. We found the way back to each other and I couldn’t be happier about it. I’m so happy to see that people are willing to grow and learn from their mistakes. I’m happy when people survive their darkest days and start taking control over their life again. I appreciate an honest apology more than anything and there’s nothing more amazing than feeling respected and appreciated by someone who you thought you were over with. Cheers to re-establishing new friendships with old people, who have learned and grown and shown that they’re worth a second chance. I wish everyone could do that but unfortunately, sometimes we have to move on without the apologies that we deserve. Moving on to the next topic: A lot of people ask me about boys and dating and romance and to be honest, I’ve never really written much about it but let me touch on that topic a little bit. I’m 23 and by this age, the majority of the people have had some kind of romantic experience; but I haven’t. I’ve never been very intrested in dating and meaningless encounters. I’ve always known what I wanted when it comes to romance, and it hasn’t changed; a deep connection with a deep and real person who isn’t afraid to show their authentic self, who isn’t afraid to call me out when I’m wrong, but does that in a kind and respectful way. Someone who is genuinely a kind person, with morals, ethics and standards. Someone  who can tell me their story, and listen to mine too. And that, I haven’t met yet, which is why I don’t have a romantic experience to tell. And I refuse to just get myself into something meaningless. That’s simply not who I am, or who I’ll ever be. I like to believe I don’t have trust issues, but I do. Sometimes I question if I’m being too idealistic, but I’m not. I know what I’d prefer for myself is rare, but it exists. And if the universe wants it to, it will somehow find me. Or I’ll find it. But I know one thing for sure, when something is there, you just know. And when something isn’t there, you also know. For real, you will know everything, so breathe and keep going through life doing your own thing because at the end of the day, the most important relationship you can ever have is the one you have with yourself, so nourish it. Every day, all the time. 

A story all over the place, as per usual.

All my love,

♡ Albesa  

Missing grandma

Thursday / September 3, 2020

I wish I could hug and kiss my grandma one more time. I wish I could hear her soft voice one more time. I wish I could hold her warm hands one more time. I wish I could have her tell me that it’s gonna be fine one more time. Just one more time. My grandma was light in a human form. She was everything to me. On hard days like these, I miss her so terribly. I miss her every day, but on hard days like these, it gets extremely tough. I miss her so much, I start wishing for things that will never come true. But I can’t help it. I can’t help but let my imagination do its thing. She enjoyed being in the sun, so I imagine us chatting about life on a sunny day. She was always there, to listen, to make me feel better, to make me feel loved. She was always there to remind me that someone believed in me and was rooting for me. I believe that nothing has changed. She’s far away now but her spirit lives close to me. She will have a home wherever I go.

Angel on the sky, I will never stop writing about you. You mean the absolute world to me.

I miss you and I love you so much.

♡ Albesa 

A little bit of everything (healthy decisions, friends, and what’s been going on)

Wednesday / April 15, 2020. 

Every story of mine starts with ‘it’s been a while since I’ve written anything’ lately. It’s true I haven’t been writing as much as I used to, and it’s definitely not because I didn’t want to, but because I didn’t even know where to start. So much has been happening lately. My life has changed so much in the past year and I must admit I’m still getting used to it. My grandma, who was my absolute light in life, passed away, I went separate ways with one of my long time best friend, I went back to university, and about a month ago, I went separate ways with my other best friend too. My grandpa is very sick and almost died a few days ago. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like this is my life at all. People who meant so much to me throughout my life, people who take part in so many of my memories aren’t a part of my life anymore and that truly breaks my heart. I know I’ve done more than enough to make things work, I know I’ve been a great friend, but at this point, I’m more than sure that it has nothing to do with me. I generally think that what people do shows how they feel about themselves. People suffer so much, from all sorts of insecurities, pain, doubts, and whatnot. If you don’t find an effective way to help yourself along with a genuine support system, it can seriously damage you and make you make very poor decisions. I think that happened to my best friends, but I can’t speak for them so I’ll just leave it there. A part of me will always be with them even if we no longer make memories together. All of this has been emotionally challenging and hard to process. I’ve had a best friend since I was 5 weeks old, that’s when my cousin was born. We have an unbreakable connection and the way we respect each other is the only way I know when it comes to friends. That’s why I don’t have a lot of friends. At one point, sooner or later, every friend that I ever had, showed me that they didn’t care about me as much as I cared about them. I learned to see that through their actions, otherwise, if I only paid attention to their words, I wouldn’t be here writing this story. According to their words, they all love me so much. But when you love someone, you don’t do something that you know for sure is gonna hurt them. You don’t take for granted the fact that they trust you and don’t question your words. You don’t make them be even more afraid to open up. You don’t feed their fears.  It’s fine I say because there isn’t much to say anyway. I feel that I’m growing. I’m handling things much better than I used to. I’m standing up for myself way more than I used to. I’m working on it, working on being the best version of myself every day, trying to find something good in every day and find the balance between what has happened and what is happening now. I’m trying to be okay with my fears. I’m trying to loosen up with my expectations of myself. I think it’s working more and more, day by day. My poor eating habits have improved massively, I’m so surprised this is happening. Eating doesn’t seem to be one of my coping mechanisms anymore. I’m on the right track for sure, and it feels damn good to say that. It’s incredible. I think my life has become less toxic all together, which is a result of my healthy decisions. Decisions that I never knew I could make. But here I am, hoping life is only gonna keep getting better. I’m not where I want to be in life, but if I keep taking proper care of myself, if I keep making healthy decisions, I’ll start being there sooner than I think. The next healthy decisions to make: start doing university work properly, do more of what I love and stop with self-doubt and negative self-talk. I don’t deserve it. None of us do. 

Don’t let people question what they mean to you and don’t let yourself question what you mean to them either. 

Take care of yourself, and take care of the ones you love, properly.

Til’ next time,

♡ Albesa

What’s been going on; part one

Sunday / January 19, 2019

I’ve been gone for a month and I don’t even know why. So much has happened and I’ve written a lot on my phone but I never ended up posting it on the blog. Only now do I realize how much I’ve missed the sound of typing on the laptop. I love it so much! But yeah, where have I been, what have I been doing? Let’s get into it. I’m gonna start with something really amazing. Flor (my cousin and best friend who had moved to Austria with her entire family almost 4 years ago) is back to living in Croatia. I can’t believe we live in the same country again and get to see each other every day pretty much. Is this real life? I think I’ve written about her before but let me introduce her again; she’s my best friend, my cousin, my support system. We grew up together, went to school together, did everything together until she moved. It was terrible when she moved to Austria because I was used to doing everything with her. It felt like I lost a part of myself when I had to learn to do things on my own,  without a companion. Even though I’ve learned a lot about independence and how important it actually is, life feels more complete now that she’s back. How beautiful is that? My other cousins are back as well and I’m so happy I get to be a part of their lives a little bit more now that we live in the same country again. I’m also kind of sorry that they’re back because this country sucks in many aspects but I’m really not trying to get into politics, education system, and whatnot at 3:30 AM. I’m just gonna appreciate that we’re close to each other again. I’ll definitely be writing about our upcoming daily adventures in the future. What I also want to talk about is that I feel stuck in some of my long-time friendships. I see that I’ve overgrown certain people and certain friendships and I really don’t know what to do. I’ll have to sit down and think about whether I want to invest more energy into that or not. To be completely honest, I don’t think that’s gonna happen anymore. I’m really tired of trying to save friendships that just haven’t grown along with me or haven’t progressed like I thought they would. I want to be okay with the fact that two people just need to go their separate ways sometimes. I don’t want to feel guilty for leaving a friendship I no longer feel good in. It breaks my heart, but it’s the most honest truth. I still love and respect these people but sometimes it’s just not what it used to be and it really doesn’t have to be anyone’s fault. If I don’t do what I feel is best for me, I’m gonna end up being at war with myself. I’ve been there before, and I believe a lot of other people have been there too. It’s exhausting, energy-draining, and pretty hard to get out of (the war in your mind). Confront reality and make decisions based on it. As my therapist likes to say ”don’t be just another person who ignores the pink elephant in the room.” The elephant stands for the big and obvious problem, and pink stands for us making things more beautiful than they are in reality in order to create fake peace inside ourselves and avoid confrontations. I’m currently struggling so much and I don’t have the energy to confront anyone or anything at the moment but it’s definitely somewhere around the corner. Right now, I need myself more than ever. All of my energy has to be directed to the right places such as my mental health, my physical health, my mindset, studying, writing, creating and other things that are important to me. More about my current struggle in the next story. 

♡ Albesa

 

The simplicity of saying ‘no’

Sunday / December 8, 2019

These days, I would rather choose to be called crazy than say yes to the things I don’t agree with just so I don’t get dirty looks. Dirty looks from others don’t mean much to me, but saying yes for the sake of others and then getting dirty looks from myself, it means too much. It means throwing away everything I believe in. It means throwing away everything that I am. I’ve been through so much this year, but I’ve also gotten to grow and understand that nothing is worth my well-being. I might have been a people-pleaser throughout my life, but I’m trying not be anymore. This is my life and the only person I’m responsible for is myself. Since I’ve managed to survive this year somehow, which almost feels like a new chance at life, I’ve decided that I no longer want to get dirty looks from myself. That means that everyone can expect more no-s from me. 

Reminder to you and myself: you can love someone and still say ‘no’ to them when it’s necessary. Loving someone and protecting your boundaries are two completely different things and you can do both at the same time. Don’t let anyone convince you that there is something selfish about choosing what’s the best for you. You’re just taking care of yourself; it’s that simple. 

♡ Albesa

The precious truth

Thursday / November 28, 2019

It’s almost 6 AM and I haven’t slept a single bit yet. I don’t know if I should love or hate nights like these. Hate because they’re painful and long; love because they remind me of how strong I am. Let me tell you something: I haven’t been doing my best. I feel low, betrayed and mistreated. Mostly by myself; you know why? Because even though I put so much hard work into learning to genuinely respect and value myself, even though I know what I deserve, I always try so hard to convince myself to give people a chance, to give people some time and space. And you know what happens? I end up damaging myself by trying to accept the unacceptable. I end up taking too much, I end up tolerating too much. I’m learning to trust that feeling you get in your stomach when you know that something just isn’t right. I’m learning to react on time, and act according to that feeling. I’m learning to react before I get consumed by whatever it is that’s going on in the moment, whether it’s good or bad. I want to rest. I want to breathe. I want to say ‘no’ every time I know it’s the right thing to do. I also want to say yes to whatever brings me joy no matter the fear that is always present. I don’t want to take less/more than I give. I don’t want to give more than they deserve and end up feeling empty. I want to get what I always give: the truth. Because telling the truth also means respect. It also means empathy. It means so much! I’m always learning. I’m getting somewhere. This is all a part of it. There is so much left to learn but if there’s one thing that I know for sure, it has to be this: no matter if it’s good or bad, telling the truth will be always and forever be the best thing you can do for yourself and others.

I can handle these nights. I can wake up and carry on with gratitude. I can to survive whatever life puts me through. I choose to survive. I choose to keep learning. And I hope you do too.

To be continued.

♡ Albesa

Nostalgia, melancholy, grandma

[9:06 PM / Monday / July 8, 2019]

It’s been raining for a couple hours now. I was  anxiously staring through the window trying to catch some breath and it seemed like the trees where breathing in and breathing out. It was strange and amazing, I’ve never seen anything like that before. Anyway. Things haven’t been the best for a long time now, but life is just so empty ever since grandma died. It has become hard to wake up and feel the willingness to start the day. I don’t know if it makes me more happy or more sad, but I often look at old photos so I can go back to those days when I didn’t even want to go to sleep because of how much I enjoyed life all the time. My big family meant the world to me, my siblings, my cousins, all growing up in the same house filled with so much love and joy. We started dealing with bullies at a young age, but we had each other so we managed to make our days in Croatia pretty good. Summer vacations in Kosovo at grandma’s house were amazing. I don’t remember questioning where my home was. My home was wherever I went because I was surrounded by so much love and light. I had something to look forward to every day. And now, where am I now? I’m surrounded by a lot people but I’m actually on my own, trying to survive these sad days somehow. Trying to find an explanation even though I know I’m not gonna find it. Everyone is so distant. Every little thing has changed. I wish I could say for the better. That big amount of joy I used to feel, got completely replaced by misery. And it’s unbelieavble. It’s devastating.  We’ve all gone our separate ways, we barely talk. Only me and my cousin Flor have maintained the relationship we’ve always had. Where is everyone else? Weren’t we all best friends or something? Everyone started growing up and leaving. One by one. Suddenly, it became more important to show off to the world. Suddenly, it became easy to criticize each other without even asking ‘what’s going on?’ Suddenly, it became cool to pretend you don’t know your own sibling. We’ve been raised with the theory that family is everything. I’ve never liked theories. I’ve never liked words. Where is my dad? Can my dad talk to me for a minute? Where is my brother? Driving around with his friends in his brand new expensive car while our mom is waiting for him to come home from work? My mom’s worried face breaks my heart but there is nothing I can do because I’m not her big son and, that’s who she misses the most. I wonder if I’m the only one who would rather go back in time and be how we used to be than stay in this sad reality? Life goes on and it’s gonna be okay but I can’t help but wonder; is everyone really having so much fun? Is anyone as nostalgic as I am? Can someone tell me a way to cope? Can grandma come back to life so I can count the days til I get to see her? Can grandma come back to life so I can call her and tell her about my day?

My biggest love, my inspiration, my sunshine. My biggest truth in life.

Send me some light so I can carry on.

I miss you so much.

♡ ♡ ♡ Albesa

Sadness and promises

[5:06 AM / Monday / May 6, 2019. ]

It’s been a month since my grandma got hospitalized and I’ve felt lost and confused ever since then. I’ve been thinking way too much. I know I haven’t been trying my best with anything in life. I haven’t cooked a single healthy meal, I haven’t taken a single walk, my sugar intake has been crazy high, I haven’t drank enough water and I haven’t read a single page of any book. I haven’t slept properly in a month, I feel tired emotionally and physically. I’ve treated myself poorly and I’m aware of it. When one thing hurts me, I lose myself completely, which is what’s going on now. I must learn to function on days like these.  My grandma, who means the world to me, is sick. These days are probably her last days and I’m away from her. I can’t see her or talk to her or hug her and let her know how much I love her. I’m devastated and heartbroken. And I’m even more devastated when I see my mom crying. It’s been a hard time for the entire family. No one is doing good at the moment. Negative energy has taken over our home. Instead of being more supportive and patient on these hard days, we’re being more distant and rude to each other, which is way more intense than how we usually are. I want to fix the situation but no one seems to care that much so I’m just gonna keep going. Everybody in this house is old enough to take responsibility for their words and actions, I don’t feel like calling out anybody. I’m really tired. It’s my first day at work today and it starts in a few hours. I haven’t slept at all and since the time to get up has almost come, I can start preparing myself for that ‘drunk and sad’ effect that usually comes along with a sleepless night. It’s okay, I’ll sleep better in a few days. Things will calm down. I will learn to find myself on days like these. I don’t want to cause myself even more sadness by treating myself poorly. I will focus on the food I eat, the words I say, and I will try to reduce the amount of scary thoughts my brain produces every second. It’s gonna be fine. I’m looking forward to getting back to the usual productive routine. Only then do I feel like my true self. 

Grandma, you always tell me not to pay attention to negative things in life and I promise I’ll try not to; not this much. You’re in my thoughts day and night. You inspire me to be better and take care of myself. I promise I will. 

I love you with my whole entire heart. 

Albesa 

Too much going on? (part two)

[11:28 PM / Friday / April 26, 2019]

A few days ago, I wrote a story about stuff that’s been going on lately. More and more stuff was coming to my mind as I was finishing that story so I thought I’d write a second part, and this is it. Part two, let’s do this! Okay, let’s start with some positive news. In one of my stories, I mentioned an e-mail that I was expecting and how it could change my life. It was a life-changing job opportunity which I didn’ get. Well, today I got an e-mail about a job that I did get! It’s not as life-changing but at least I’ll be productive, gain new experience and earn my own money; I’m not complaining. Sadly, that’s about it with the positive stuff. I’m still under a lot of pressure. My parents have been under a lot of pressure lately and they just pass it on me and my siblings, which really sucks. I can’t seem to find a healthy way to communicate with them; everything has been turning into an argument these days which is so, so tiring.  I’ve been experiencing terrible anxiety in the last couple of days which is why I’ve been struggling to sleep properly. I think about my parents, our family business, my college education, where I want to go, what I wanna do and stuff like that. I think about myself and how I’m very toxic with myself (and others) sometimes. I must accept my life more. I’m not in peace with a lot of things. I’m not in peace with how I treat myself sometimes, how I’ve been treated by others, how my family has been treated, I’m not in peace with my life in Croatia, I’m not in peace with my ‘failures’ that came with my depression and anxiety. I think about those things way more than I should and that’s exactly what makes me toxic. I’ve learned a lot from everything that I’ve written above, I am who I am because of some things I had to go through but I still get angry/sad. I’m learning to accept stuff and turn it into something positive. I’m learning to outgrow things that hurt me. I’m not there yet but I believe I’ll get there soon. What I’ve learned so far is how to rely on patience. I’m extremely patient even when I get angry so that’s a plus. I guess there are more pluses out there, I’ll figure it out. On the other side, good side, what gives me peace and courage to keep going is knowing that I’m willing to work on everything that still makes me sad. I’m willing to improve the quality of my life. I might visit my therapist again, not because I’m depressed again, but because I need to talk to someone. My friends are all going through some difficult stuff at the moment so I don’t really get to talk about my stuff that much. But it’s fine because sometimes I don’t even know what’s going on. Sometimes I don’t know how to express myself when I’m talking to other people; I find it much harder than writing like this. That’s pretty much it. I’ll try to calm down and freak out a little less so I can make decisions and have fewer question marks in my head. It’s gonna be fine. 

We got this.

♡ Albesa

 

 

 

 

Too much going on?

[4:53 AM / Monday / April 22, 2019.]

I’m coming here with a heavy heart and a head full of thoughts. It’s been a tough week, a really hard one. It’s been quite some time since I’ve last felt this tired. There are a couple of things going on right now and those things combined make a huge mess. A mess that makes you feel completely lost. I’m always fascinated by my ability to feel. I feel everything so deeply sometimes l don’t understand myself. It’s both, a blessing and a curse. A blessing because when I love something so much, it helps me exist and survive, it makes my days so much better, it fills me with joy and happiness. A curse because not everything I spend the night thinking about is worth it. A lot of things aren’t. And I still do it because, in my head, even the smallest things somehow become big; bigger than they are in reality. I could be fighting with my parents and the words they will say to me will be the number one thing on my mind for at least two days. I’ve heard those words a million times, I have them registered in my brain, I could sing them like a song if I wanted to but they still often make an impact like it’s the first time. They are by no mean, trying to hurt me, they just remind me of their expectations of me which I struggle to meet. They ask me about college so much and I literally have no idea what I’m gonna do about it. If I tell them that I have no idea, they automatically assume I’ve given up on education and then attack me for it. My parents obviously want the best for me but I’ve openly told them to stop pressuring me so much. I’ve just recently recovered from depression, everything is still challenging,  remaining calm and not freaking out is still a battle. I’m literally learning to live. I spent my teenage years in isolation. The time when people live to the fullest was my time to survive. Isolation was the only way to cope with everything that was going on. And now as a 21-year-old young adult, it’s still what I do. I isolate myself in order to get my thoughts together, in order to have an honest conversation with myself where I ask myself different questions and then give myself answers. It’s when I realize if something is really ‘that bad’ or not. I wouldn’t say I’m bad at telling people how I feel but most times, even when I make perfect sense to myself, I don’t make sense to people who I’ve tried telling how I feel. It’s a circle that gets you nowhere. I feel misunderstood very often. Whatever I’m talking about, I feel like it doesn’t come out the way I want it to so I end up feeling stupid. I usually think I’m pretty okay with expressing myself but it hasn’t been like that lately. Is it maybe other people not being able to understand what I’m saying and I’m making it about me like I always do? Yes, I struggle to find the right words to express myself sometimes but realistically speaking, it can’t be me always. I really don’t know. This story is all over the place but so are my feelings so I guess it’s okay. My dear grandma has been in the hospital for about a week now. Her health is now at the lowest point ever and the doctors told us to be prepared for everything. I can’t put it into words how painful it is to know that someone you love so much could die anytime. I’m afraid to check my phone when I wake up. I was 10 when I promised my grandma I would take her to Croatia when I would have turned 18. My grandma told me she highly doubted she would be alive by the time I turned 18. I turned 18 three and a half years ago and I never made it happen. Life changed so much. I’m so sorry. Can’t wait for some better days. I hope I figure things out. And my dear people, I hope you do too. It’s 6:04 AM now that I’m finishing this story (part two coming soon). I better get the hell out of the internet otherwise I’m gonna mess up my life even more!

Til’ next time!

♡ Albesa

 

 

It’s just life sometimes, you know? (a random attack of mixed emotions)

[1:55 AM, Friday, January 11, 2019.]

What an exciting first post of the year, yay, yay, yay! I’m writing this with tears in my eyes and a thousand emotions in my heart. The last couple of days have been challenging and what can your girl do besides stay up all night, overthink, write and cry, hehe? All jokes aside, I’m doing good, it’s just life sometimes, you know? I’ve always been the kind of person who wants to protect everyone from everything and it really breaks my heart when people who I love and admire suffer for one reason or another. I know, it’s life, not feeling well sometimes is so normal and absolutely inevitable but oh man I just really wish I didn’t have to be like that. These couple of days have been challenging because I’ve seen my mom cry and I’ve seen my dad’s bags under his eyes. I’ve felt it with my own body how tired they are. I love my parents so much. I once thought they were perfect, then I suffered because I realized they weren’t perfect and now, here I am not even wanting them to be perfect. Our dear parents are just human beings who get mad, get sad, yell for some irrelevant stuff because they’ve had enough for the day. They make mistakes, big ones, small ones. What I want to express today is that I’m not mad at my parents for anything. Have they ever hurt me? Yes, they did. Have they ever disappointed me? Yes, they did. Was it ever their intention to hurt their own child? Absolutely not. That’s the only thing that matters to me at this point in life. It’s such relief that I’m able to understand the background of a certain situation, not only the final product. My parents may not be as open-minded as I am, my parents may not think that my ideas are the best ideas ever but I’m so okay with it. I love them with my whole entire heart and nothing will ever be strong enough to change that. Moving on to another subject; I’m recovering from my leg surgery, the recovery requires a lot of patience and patience is painful sometimes. I’ve been laying in bed for almost a month now doing absolutely nothing except overdosing myself with the Internet. I’ve been wanting to finish this one book that I really like but what can I say, my just brain won’t cooperate. Another thing I really want to include here: make sure your happiness and good mood don’t depend on other people. Remember who you are, remember your value, and remember you’re not always the big loser who sucks. It’s not always you, sometimes it’s the other people who just can’t see certain stuff. That’s pretty much it. I wish you all health, love and light.

Oh, and yeah, don’t forget to tell your parents you love them (and everyone else)

Love, Albesa 

Growth, gratitude, and improvement

[2:09 PM / Sunday / June 17 2018]

Here I am once again, starting a story without really knowing what I’m gonna write. I’m not worried about it though, the stories that I write without planning them turn out being the most relieving ones. Anyway, let’s start. I don’t like the fact that I haven’t written in so long. Actually, I have written a bunch of stories but they’re kind of all over the place. I own way too many notebooks and each of them contains small bits of stories that I started writing in another notebook. I’ve been quite confused these days. I don’t really know how I feel anymore and I truly mean it when I say it. Things have not been getting better or worse, they’re kind of the same most of the time. I got used to my new, work life, routine and I like it because I finally feel like my life makes sense, at least a little bit. When it comes to work, I must mention that I’m doing pretty good however, I know I haven’t been trying my hardest. I’m not gonna start with excuses, I’m just gonna say that I’m gonna work harder and be even more content with my work. A month and a half have gone by since I started working and, oh boy, time goes so fast! I got my first ever salary which felt so strange because I felt like a real adult for the first time in my 20 years of life. Since I’m talking about work, let me mention that I told my manager about my anxiety problems. I had to do it because she asked me why I never ate in the kitchen where all of my colleagues eat. Her answer was the answer that I was expecting; ‘it’s all in your head.’ So many things were going through my mind at that moment. When I came home, one of the things I wrote down in my notebook was this one: ‘people tell me ‘it’s all in your head’ without realizing that that’s exactly the biggest problem people like me deal with. We suffer because it’s in our heads, it’s us who have to live with it day by day. It’s us who have to fight with it day by day. It’s me worrying about every little thing around me, it’s me that I’m afraid of what will happen tomorrow. If those thoughts about me were in someone else’s head, I wouldn’t spend a single minute worrying about it, trust me.’ I can’t remember if I’ve ever written anything more truthful than that. I don’t think I’ve ever agreed with myself more. I have realized one more time that people don’t understand the struggle that anxiety and depression bring, neither do I expect them to anymore. I remember describing it in a few words and it just never worked. My pain, my struggle and my fear, they were always belittled, which only ended up causing me even more negative emotions. I’m okay now, I really am. I’m aware of everything, I’m trying not to think about anything that makes me unhappy, I’m trying to improve the quality of my life. I have a few plans that make me happy just thinking about them so I’m gonna work on those. One of the best things you can do for yourself is keep yourself busy with the things that fulfill you so choose a few things you would like to do more and every time you have some extra time, do one of those things. Spend your time in peace, spend your time away from places/things that remind you of rough times, disappointments, a broken friendship or a broken relationship. Work hard on creating a new, healthier surrounding that will make you feel like a new person which has nothing to do with who you were or where you’ve been in the past. You have the right to start over anytime you want, you have the right to make changes and make the most out of your time while you’re still alive. You have the right to do the things that people disagree with as long as you know that the option you’re choosing is the best option for you. Cherish the things we usually take for granted, cherish your health, your family, friends, food, your roof over your head. Gratitude, compassion, and positivity are a way of life, it takes some time to learn to live like that but once you’re there, you’ll realize how simple some things can be if we don’t makeup things in our heads. Let people know how much they mean to you, be that one ‘annoying’ friend who keeps saying ‘I love you’ all the time. If that’s a part of you, don’t hide it. I tell my cousin/best friend I love her at least 5 times a week because I really do and when that thought comes into my head, I express it. Acting cold or emotionless is not really my thing neither do I think it’s cool or funny. Emotions are meant to be expressed otherwise you’ll kill yourself way before you’re really dead. Oh, yeah, let me end this story with some nice things. I feel like I’ve grown even more since I’ve started working. I acknowledge every little bit of my progress and it makes me extremely happy. I’m also continuing my therapy very soon which is absolutely awesome. I’ll be out of the dark room sooner than I know! My goal for this month is to keep this positive mindset and keep moving forward. That’s basically it, I don’t think I have anything left to say at the moment. I’ll definitely write more in the future, I’ll try at least once a week. We’ll see, no worries, no pressure. My dear people, I wish you a good time and a healthier life. Work hard on yourself, achieve what you want to achieve and stay humble. And to all the hardships, heartbreaks and disappointments, it’s time to say goodbye. We’re all leaving you behind.

We got this.

Love, Albesa

A list of to-do things (kind of)

[11:37 PM / Monday / January 1 2018]

Another year of ups and downs is over. I thought about it a lot and it really was full of ups and downs, pretty much unstable to cut it short. I lost a lot of things and I gained a lot of things. Not too bad but not too good either. Out of every year I survived until now, this one was the hardest one for sure. I made it, I kept going, I’m alive and that’s why I’m saying; not too bad. I’d like to share with you a few things that I told myself I’m gonna work on more in the future. Let’s start with this one; avoid negative energy the way you avoid getting hit by a car. It doesn’t matter if you suffer from any kind of mental illness or not, take care of the enviroment you’re in. If something feels off and you can’t do anything about it, stay away from it for your own well-being. There’s a reason why it feels off and from my own experience, I believe a humans intuition is almost always the best thing to follow. I tell myself; believe in yourself more. The way people see you is not the way you are, it’s how they are. What people think of you and the things you do doesn’t define you at all. Some people will think you’re lame, some people will think you’re awesome. But that’s totally fine, we can’t be loved by everybody anyway. The sooner we understand that, the better. I tell myself: be nice to people. Always treat people the way you want to be treated. Choose your words carefully and try staying calm when you’re under control of negative emotions. I tell myself: don’t compare yourself to other people. Don’t let other people’s success cause you negative emotions such as jealousy and self-doubt. Try seeing it as motivation instead. Let it inspire you and help you with your journey. How much you work for it is how much you’ll get it. It depends on none else but you. Another thing I tell myself: be your own best friend and don’t screw yourself. I’m saying this because I’m that person who always tries so hard to make everyone happy even if it means I have to let myself down. That is so wrong and irresponsible. It’s wrong and irresponsible because I try so hard to take care of my own well-being and then I do something that damages it. I must stop with that. I must set some limits. My advice for everyone including myself: let things go. Broken friendships,  relationships, dissapointments… Give yourself some time to go through it but make sure you don’t lose yourself in all the darkness. Accept things the way they are and move on. This includes people as well. If something you had with someone didn’t work once, twice or three times, it’s your time to finally get into your head that you’re no longer compatible with that one person you thought was the one, as a friend or as a lover, it doesn’t really matter. You can’t change anyone but yourself. You can’t keep thinking that ‘it’s gonna be different this time’ when the person you have a problem with doesn’t even see the wrongs they do to you. To keep yourself stable, stay close to what you love. People, places, hobbies. Spend your time with people who make who make you feel good, people who you can learn something from and people who inspire you. Go to places that make you feel happy you’re alive. Go to places where your hearts tells you to go. Do the things you’re passionate about. Whatever you do, make sure you do it with love. The last important thing I have to say: make sure you’re aware that you still have so much to learn. About yourself, about your family, about your friends, about strangers, about the world. There are so many good things you’ll discover that are gonna help you become the best version of yourself. Keep working on yourself and your personal development. Once you’re there don’t forget to help others get there too. 

I wish you love and light, my dear people.

Love, Albesa 

Romantic relationships mixed with personal issues

”You’re 20 years old and you’ve never had a boyfriend?!”; that’s how people usually react when I tell them I’ve never been in a relationship. I know most people my age have had plenty of relationships but that’s basically it. They had them but they don’t have them anymore. Big congratulations to those who made it, I’m very happy for them. Being young and wanting to fit in makes us do things we usually wouldn’t do and I think the same thing happens with having a boyfriend/girlfriend. A lot of young people (not only young people though) just want to have fun, experience different things they’ve never experienced before and just feel some kind of thrill I guess. Being raised in a conservative family, which I believe has had quite a big impact on me and my behavior, I’ve never felt the need to experiment with boys, girls, relationships and stuff like that. I’ve always known that by being in a relationship where there is no love, I would only disappoint myself by doing something I never thought was the right thing to do. I’m happy that I’ve always been aware of the fact that relationships established without love, trust, respect and equality are gonna end soon or later. Knowing that, saved me from hurting myself and someone else. I don’t think it’s fine to use someone else’s feelings for your own entertainment. Relationships are complicated and stressful when there’s no general connection between two people. I haven’t experienced it myself but I’ve seen so many people getting hurt because there was no communication and no connection in the relationship they were in. In my opinion, two people who are in a relationship must be comfortable with each other, be best friends with each other and feel the freedom to say how they feel or think. Breakups happen when people jump in it for the wrong reasons which are often these ones: loneliness, boredom, insecurities, pressure to do it because everyone else is doing it or pressure because they’re ”running out of time’… Some of those things are the things that an individual has to work on by themselves. Those are not the things that another person can make better for you. If you know you’re not in a really good place in your life, take the time to find something that’s not gonna make you feel bored when you’re alone. Take the time to work on what makes you insecure about yourself, take the time to learn how to be your own best friend when none else is around. It’s not easy but it’s definitely easier than expecting those things from someone else. None is gonna walk into your life and solve your personal issues. The other person probably has their own issues to deal with. When you feel complete with your own self, that’s when you know you can connect with someone else. The only time you’ll be yourself is when you’ve accepted yourself the way you are and you embrace yourself no matter what other people might think about you. So basically, before you rush into a relationship because you feel some kind of pressure, make sure you know that the consequences of your choices can lead to heartbreak, pain, disappointment, trust issues, and many other problems. Having personal issues, I don’t think you need even more issues to deal with. Be smart, there’s enough time for everything. Love will happen to you sooner or later, but I think it won’t happen until you’ve given love to yourself first.

Love, Albesa