Growth, gratitude, and improvement

[2:09 PM / Sunday / June 17 2018]

Here I am once again, starting a story without really knowing what I’m gonna write. I’m not worried about it though, the stories that I write without planning them turn out being the most relieving ones. Anyway, let’s start. I don’t like the fact that I haven’t written in so long. Actually, I have written a bunch of stories but they’re kind of all over the place. I own way too many notebooks and each of them contains small bits of stories that I started writing in another notebook. I’ve been quite confused these days. I don’t really know how I feel anymore and I truly mean it when I say it. Things have not been getting better or worse, they’re kind of the same most of the time. I got used to my new, work life, routine and I like it because I finally feel like my life makes sense, at least a little bit. When it comes to work, I must mention that I’m doing pretty good however, I know I haven’t been trying my hardest. I’m not gonna start with excuses, I’m just gonna say that I’m gonna work harder and be even more content with my work. A month and a half have gone by since I started working and, oh boy, time goes so fast! I got my first ever salary which felt so strange because I felt like a real adult for the first time in my 20 years of life. Since I’m talking about work, let me mention that I told my manager about my anxiety problems. I had to do it because she asked me why I never ate in the kitchen where all of my colleagues eat. Her answer was the answer that I was expecting; ‘it’s all in your head.’ So many things were going through my mind at that moment. When I came home, one of the things I wrote down in my notebook was this one: ‘people tell me ‘it’s all in your head’ without realizing that that’s exactly the biggest problem people like me deal with. We suffer because it’s in our heads, it’s us who have to live with it day by day. It’s us who have to fight with it day by day. It’s me worrying about every little thing around me, it’s me that I’m afraid of what will happen tomorrow. If those thoughts about me were in someone else’s head, I wouldn’t spend a single minute worrying about it, trust me.’ I can’t remember if I’ve ever written anything more truthful than that. I don’t think I’ve ever agreed with myself more. I have realized one more time that people don’t understand the struggle that anxiety and depression bring, neither do I expect them to anymore. I remember describing it in a few words and it just never worked. My pain, my struggle and my fear, they were always belittled, which only ended up causing me even more negative emotions. I’m okay now, I really am. I’m aware of everything, I’m trying not to think about anything that makes me unhappy, I’m trying to improve the quality of my life. I have a few plans that make me happy just thinking about them so I’m gonna work on those. One of the best things you can do for yourself is keep yourself busy with the things that fulfill you so choose a few things you would like to do more and every time you have some extra time, do one of those things. Spend your time in peace, spend your time away from places/things that remind you of rough times, disappointments, a broken friendship or a broken relationship. Work hard on creating a new, healthier surrounding that will make you feel like a new person which has nothing to do with who you were or where you’ve been in the past. You have the right to start over anytime you want, you have the right to make changes and make the most out of your time while you’re still alive. You have the right to do the things that people disagree with as long as you know that the option you’re choosing is the best option for you. Cherish the things we usually take for granted, cherish your health, your family, friends, food, your roof over your head. Gratitude, compassion, and positivity are a way of life, it takes some time to learn to live like that but once you’re there, you’ll realize how simple some things can be if we don’t makeup things in our heads. Let people know how much they mean to you, be that one ‘annoying’ friend who keeps saying ‘I love you’ all the time. If that’s a part of you, don’t hide it. I tell my cousin/best friend I love her at least 5 times a week because I really do and when that thought comes into my head, I express it. Acting cold or emotionless is not really my thing neither do I think it’s cool or funny. Emotions are meant to be expressed otherwise you’ll kill yourself way before you’re really dead. Oh, yeah, let me end this story with some nice things. I feel like I’ve grown even more since I’ve started working. I acknowledge every little bit of my progress and it makes me extremely happy. I’m also continuing my therapy very soon which is absolutely awesome. I’ll be out of the dark room sooner than I know! My goal for this month is to keep this positive mindset and keep moving forward. That’s basically it, I don’t think I have anything left to say at the moment. I’ll definitely write more in the future, I’ll try at least once a week. We’ll see, no worries, no pressure. My dear people, I wish you a good time and a healthier life. Work hard on yourself, achieve what you want to achieve and stay humble. And to all the hardships, heartbreaks and disappointments, it’s time to say goodbye. We’re all leaving you behind.

We got this.

Love, Albesa

It’s all good (ups and downs)

[6:30 PM / Friday / March 16 2018]

To be completely honest, I lose my inspiration quite often, especially when I feel down  for more than three days in a row. There is a lot of inspiration in the pain some of us experience but sometimes I just don’t want to write about it. Sometimes I just don’t want to give it so much attention. Then again, I love that I feel much better when I express my feelings through my stories, without having to talk to anyone or without having to worry if I’ve been understood or not. Emotions are worth writing about, good or bad, especially when you’re not really good at expresing them verbally, like me. It’s fine though. I don’t really have much to say, I had some really bad days, I had some better days but all in all it’s good that I always find a way to deal with everything. I’ve been doing more of what I love, which I had left behind completely. I feel much better because of it and I hope I continue like this. My advice for people who are struggling mentally is to spend time doing what you love. If you don’t have a problem with concentrating, read a book, little by little and then write whatever you remember about it. It’s good for your brain and for your mind. If a book doesn’t work, watch movies or tv-series, the ones that seem like you can learn something from. My leg has been hurt for the past five months and I can’t walk properly right now. I’m forced to stay at home which made me feel very miserable because I usually go for a walk every time I feel low. I go out and take some photographs of whatever catches my eye. I can’t do that right now so I took my camera and started taking photos of random things in my house. There are a lot of things I never paid attention to before and I never realized that until now. It helped a lot because it made me feel like I actually did something in my day, besides overthinking and making myself feel even worse. I also watched a lot of turkish movies which I’m completely impressed by. I also read 30 pages of a really good book the other day. I managed to focus and remember quite a lot from those 30 pages which made me extremely happy because it means that I’ve made some progress considering the fact that I couldn’t focus a few months ago when I had to study for my college exams which is partially why I was obligated to drop out and work on my mental health. I told myself I was gonna try to read more often from now on even if it doesn’t turn out the way I expect it to. What else should I mention? Oh yes, I cooked today. For the first time in a week which is unlike me. I usually cook every day but feeling low I had zero wish for none of these things until I told myself I had to stop spending my time like this. I made myself realize that I wasn’t gonna feel better by laying in bed and keeping my mind nowhere but where it’s not supposed to be. My dear people, try to get up and do something. Something small, just so you have something good to remember about today’s day. Step by step, day by day. Life is good when we manage to focus on the right things. Pain is not forever. Your wish to die is not forever. Stay alive and give yourself a chance to experience the joy of life, the joy of having your life together. Your past is not gonna be your future if you don’t let it be. Remember that life is gonna keep being the same as long as we keep doing the same things over and over again. What didn’t work once or twice is not gonna work the third time so start changing the smallest things in your routine. It’s gonna have a very positive effect on your life. Sleep enough and don’t stay up late. Eat food that is good for you so it doesn’t affect your energy and self-confidence. It’s gonna be fine, just keep going and keep fighting.

We got this.

Love, Albesa

A result of a sleepless night 2

[2:30 AM / Saturday / February 25 2018]

I feel like I’ve been thrown to the wolves. I feel like I’m dying as time is passing by. I feel my spirit getting exhausted from all the heavy weight it has to deal with. I feel my heart pounding like crazy because I’m stuck in this unknown zone. I call it ‘unknown zone’ because at this point, I know nothing about my life. Absolutely nothing. I don’t know where I’m going and where I’m gonna end up. I have better days but I’m not getting better. I have faith in the good but I’m so afraid of the bad. I’m terrified. I try so hard to keep myself busy, I really do. I waste my time effortlessly scrolling through the nonsense on the Internet just so I don’t have to think about my misery. This is not me. I see myself in the mirror but this is not me. I’ve never been a person who gives up easily. I’ve never been a person who likes to sit at home and do nothing productive all day. I used to be obsessed with the things that fulfill me. Walking around with my camera used to be a routine of mine. I used to see beauty everywhere, even in the things I saw every day. It didn’t matter, they were never boring. I used to go for a walk everytime I felt myself getting hit by my anxiety and it helped me a lot. I still do that but not as often and as much as I need it. I find myself looking for stupid excuses for not doing something that could help me. ‘It’s cold outside.’ ‘I’m tired, I haven’t slept in 30 hours.’ ‘I’m gonna do something productive at home.’ Who am I lying to? Who am I trying to fool? I know I’m not doing my best, I’m really not. It’s not an excuse but I know why. I get discouraged so easily. And since it’s so easy, it happens a hundred times a day. And that’s a really bad thing. Things that happen on a daily basis, even the smallest ones, they break my heart and they take my willingness away. I’m constantly reminded of things I want to forget. I want to forget so many things, yet I feel them spreading poison inside my body. It’s not my fault. A lot of things happened over the last four and a half years and I lost myself trying to find a way to deal with them. I haven’t found a way to deal with my emotions other than sitting at home feeling completely heartbroken. I have not used my tragedies as motivation like a lot of people do. I didn’t know how to live with them so I, unintentionally, let them dictate my life. It brought me nowhere but these curvy roads of doubt, fear and disappointment. I see it now. I see that I should have thought more about myself and less about everybody else. I see that I shouldn’t have thought that I could protect everyone. I shouldn’t have thought that I can force myself to forgive people for letting me down so badly. I should have said it a long time ago, that I’m hurt and disappointed, but I haven’t because I didn’t want to make them feel bad about their actions. Does keeping my mouth shut means I’m supporting their actions that have hurt me? Does that mean that I’m as guilty as them? My dear people, I have said it before but I’m gonna say it again. I have learned so much about myself and other people while being at my lowest. People are not gonna treat you right just because you treat them right. Such a thing has become rare a long time ago. Don’t expect people to care about you the way you care about them. People are afraid of letting other people into their life and the best way to prevent that is acting cold. You’re gonna meet those kind of people and I can guarantee you, that’s the case in most of the times. People get hurt and traumatized. They develop many fears such as meeting new people and getting let down once again. Fear of getting more personal with someone because they might use it for wrong purpose. Trust issues, self-doubt, pesimism and many other serious disorders ocurr. I must make myself act deaf and blind sometimes. I must do that so that I don’t see things that break my heart. I only want to feel alive from now on because I’ve been feeling dead for a long time now and I don’t accept that version of me. I hate it. Hate doesn’t have a place in my heart, never has, never will. I want my heart to pound like crazy, but from happiness and positive excitement, not from anxiety and depression. I want to beat this dark and toxic version of myself so that, one day, I can help others do the same thing. I want to prove myself that life can be beautiful even after being broken. I want to be an example to people who suffer like me. I want to give them hope and support to become healthy and happy again. I’m gonna put in work in myself and then work on getting the possibility to help others. I’m gonna achieve everything that I dream of and non of this darkness will ever stop me. It might make my heart break, but my spirit, never. 

Sending light, positivity and support to everyone who needs it. 

We got this.

Love, Albesa

Late night emotions, thoughts and imagination

[1:00 AM / Thursday / February 15 2018]

Sometimes it gets extra hard. Sometimes you feel like you can’t deal with anything anymore. The moment you start feeling like your chest is burning in a fire with no mercy; write, cry, scream, do whatever, just let it out. Let that painful monster get out of your chest so you can sleep peacefully, even just for an hour or two. Sometimes I don’t even know who I am anymore, I don’t know if I know anyone I’m surrounded by, I don’t know anything. Sometimes I believe that I’m strong enough to challenge myself and see how I’m gonna survive and sometimes I just want to stay in this dark room forever. Actually, it’s not that I want to do that, it’s just what I know and what I’m apparently good at, considering the fact that I’ve spent here almost five years. My heart is broken, my mind is confused and my body doesn’t feel any better either. Every little thing hurts. Every single one. There’s so much damage in me. Is it my fault? Am I responsible for this? Will I feel better if I blame someone else for my pain? Will I ever go out and feel alive like I used to? Will I ever go out and not feel like I’m gonna have a heart attack? There are many questions but zero answers. Why am I even looking for answers? They won’t heal my broken heart anyway, they won’t make me forget about my dissapointments. You know, I talk to people and I laugh with them and I think about how happy I seem to be. I come home and I wonder; do people ever suspect that I’m not doing well? Not that it matters, it’s just something I think about sometimes. People are such good actors. People choose to get burned in their own fire of feelings rather than openly saying how they really feel. The fear of saying it out loud is incredibly strong because our expectations don’t always match the reality. The fear of not knowing what’s gonna happen next is terrifying and that’s why we accept this painful zone rather than all the hard work required for getting out it, which to a lot of people, often feels impossible. It’s not impossible, it’s really not. The walls we build around us are our biggest enemies, they’re not our protectors as we think they are. Those walls are stopping us from doing what we want to do. We have plans, we have ideas and visions when we close our eyes but once we open them, everything is gone. Why? Why do we choose to just stare at these walls instead of smashing them somehow? Why don’t we get along and help each other more? Why do we get laughed at for every little thing, even for having feelings? Sometimes I look at the world and all I see is a blank canvas. It’s sad because the world is super diverse you know, there are so many things to see, so many people to meet, so many songs to listen to yet non of that is done. What does the world want? What do I want from myself? Will I ever stop thinking about the world which I can’t control? Will I ever find peace and get out of the dark room? I’m afraid of not being able to hope anymore. I’m afraid of not being able to make my dreams my reality. I’m afraid of not being able to smash the walls I have built over the years thinking that they’re gonna protect me. We can’t hide. We can’t run away from life and what happens in it on a daily basis. The goal is to learn to control our emotions and live normally with them inside of us. The goal is to find peace and believe that you can have a nice life after all the pain you have experienced. Write, cry, scream, ask for help, do whatever it takes but never let yourself think that the walls you built are your forever. Your forever is so much brighter than the dark room with no windows. Your forever is what you see when you close your eyes and no matter how awful you might feel at the moment, you’re still gonna find a way to smash every wall that’s infront of you stopping you from walking away from all the misery. These walls are not you, this misery is not you, this pain is not you. You are what you love and what you accept. Do you accept this? Close your eyes and look at your happy self in your imagination. It feels good, right? Does it remind you of how strong you actually are? Keep your eyes closed and keep looking at your happy self while you passionately smash those walls and create a window which is gonna bring you light. Use that window as an exit from that dark room. Create a stage out of those bricks of pain and get up there. Take a bow, walk away, chase your dreams and live.

Open your eyes and do that. 

Love, Albesa

Becoming healthier

[10:10 PM / Thursday / January 25 2018]

I have chosen to change my life completely. I’m calmer than ever now that I understand that changing my life is entirely about me and my decisions. The things around me are gonna remain the same but it’s not about changing the things around me anyway, it’s about changing what I choose to focus on. I’ve been suffering from depression for four and a half years now and making changes after such a long period of time feels very scary. After all these years, I must say that I’ve learned to live with my pain, I’ve adapted my life to it and everything that’s not a part of it is terrifying. I’m afraid of trying something new, I’m afraid of the things I failed at in the past. I’m afraid of being disappointed in myself. I’m afraid of being defeated by my fears. I know that nothing is actually as bad as I think it is and to prove that to myself, I must break the ice of fear that’s stopping me from living my life. I want to start breaking that ice no matter what. I’ve had the idea that I’m wasting my life in my head for a long time now and I know I’ll have it until I make some changes. I don’t want to feel like I’m wasting my life and that’s why I’m trying to do everything that I can. The progress is slow but every small step is precious. I don’t want to feel guilty if getting out of bed is everything I feel like doing today, I’ve had days when I couldn’t do it because I just wanted to sleep my pain away. But I don’t want to do that anymore because that’s not the way to change my world. My world is not gonna change while I’m sleeping. It’s gonna be dark, unhappy and bitter until I do something to lighten it up. So I tell myself ”acknowledge your small steps and cherish them.” Small steps count too because they lead to big changes. Fear is a part of every journey but it should never be bigger and stronger than my wish to feel better. I’ve said this many times before; life will keep being the same as long as we keep doing the same things over and over again. Maybe the things I’m afraid of are the things that are life-changing. Every idea that is the opposite of every awful emotion that I feel on a daily basis is an idea worth turning into a plan. I tell myself ”follow your vision and your plan, focus on it and start doing it. It doesn’t matter if it’s 2 AM or 5 PM, make a change every time you feel that energy inside of you.” I must write down every positive thought that randomly comes into my mind. Today’s positive thought is valid and it’s encouraging. Today’s positive thought could keep me going tomorrow. Tomorrow’s positive thought could encourage me to try something that could change my depression-adapted routine. People rarely care about what I’ve been through or how much I’ve have struggled in the past. I want to give myself the support and applause I once expected from others. My goal is to learn to love myself and my life and to live in peace without having other people’s approval. ‘If you try hard enough you will succeed’; yes this is true but it’s only true when the situation is entirely about me. If other people are involved but not as interested as me, I want to learn when is the right time to stop trying. I have hurt myself way too much by trying to forgive, forget and find excuses for mistakes that were done by someone I truly loved. No matter how much I love someone, I know that distancing myself from those individuals is required when I know my goal is to be mentally healthier. While trying to make some progress, I must occupy myself with happy thoughts, occupy myself with things I love doing and overthinking about a broken trust is definitely not one of them. I must accept it, leave it somewhere behind and move on with my life. I must keep in mind that life is so much more than every negative emotion I deal with on a daily basis. I must carry that reminder with me everywhere I go. I must stay strong so that one day when I’m happy and content with my life, I can look back at everything I will have gone through and say that I’m there because I believed in my happy thoughts which became my reality.

I’m almost there.

Love, Albesa

You, your enviroment and making changes

[6:00 PM / Wednesday / January 17 2018]

We’re surrounded by so many people, so many things, so many options that we get lost trying to pick the best of everything. What is the best according to you? People surround themselves with so many other people. While trying to be in good terms with everyone, there’s a possibility you’ll end up having zero people you can call when you need someone to talk to. I’ve said this so many times but please be aware that no matter how nice you are, not everyone will like you. Be aware of the fact that you’ll never be able to please everyone. Write down people’s names and circle the ones who you can be truly honest with. Those are the ones who are worth it. Make sure you stay close only to those people who make you feel good. Make sure the people you’re surrounded by meet your standards of being a good friend. So, the best option according to me is to be friends with people who are there for you as much as you are there for them. Keep your circle small and appreciate the ones who never let you down. Make sure they know you’re thankful for them and that they can count on you anytime. If someone does something that damages your well-being, you have every right to distance yourself from them. Mental health and stability are priceless and no one has the right to take a piece of it from you. When it comes to money and material things, I try to save as much as possible and not spend my money on things I don’t need. For example: even though I don’t own a crazy lot of clothes, I still want to spend less money on it because I know I don’t need it as much as I buy it. I bought a lot of clothes in the past that ended up being worn only once or twice which is an unnecessary waste. I want to learn to manage my money better and not buy something just because I like it for a day or two. I’m teaching myself financial responsibility that way. I know I won’t always be able to afford something I will like and I don’t want to let that cause me negative emotions. I’m happy that I’m able to let it go and say ”It’s fine, I don’t need it anyway.” This proves that I don’t find satisfaction in material things more than I should which is a good sign. I’m learning every day. I’ve been appreciating time more than ever before because I spent so much of it not making any changes. I want to make a change every day now. A change that will help me feel better, live better and be a better person. It’s such a shame that we don’t see our possibilities and everything we’re capable of doing. It’s such a shame that we let our mindset us limits that in reality don’t even exist. It’s such a shame that we start to think we are what other people think of us. You’re doing good even when you think you’re wasting your time, you’re not to fat for that t-shirt, you’re not being lame when you’re being yourself. You’re so much more than your doubts. You’re so much more than an opinion of someone who doesn’t like you. People fail at different things many times but the key to success is not giving up. Fail, stand up, try again. Every failure is a lesson. Don’t judge yourself based on your past mistakes. Accept everything that happened and move on. The thing is that we change so much every day that we don’t even realize. We come to the point where we say ,,I’m not even that person anymore”, and it’s so true. You’re not your mistakes and everything you could have done better. I haven’t done big mistakes that haunt me but I do have some things I wish I could have done better. It’s fine I say. I can’t do anything about it, I can’t go back and change anything. What happened, happened. The point of your mistakes is to teach you things you’re not gonna do next time you find yourself in a simmilar situation. Pick the good things such as patience, tolerance, optimism out of everything bad. Those things are priceless. They can’t be given, they can’t be bought. They can only be found within you if you want to. If you can change something, do it. If you can’t, accept it and move on with your life. There are many things waiting for you to open your eyes while you’re sleeping and dreaming about changing something that can’t be changed.

I hope all of this makes some sense. Take care of yourself and the enviroment you’re in. We got this, my dear people. 

Love, Albesa

A list of to-do things (kind of)

[11:37 PM / Monday / January 1 2018]

Another year of ups and downs is over. I thought about it a lot and it really was full of ups and downs, pretty much unstable to cut it short. I lost a lot of things and I gained a lot of things. Not too bad but not too good either. Out of every year I survived until now, this one was the hardest one for sure. I made it, I kept going, I’m alive and that’s why I’m saying; not too bad. I’d like to share with you a few things that I told myself I’m gonna work on more in the future. Let’s start with this one; avoid negative energy the way you avoid getting hit by a car. It doesn’t matter if you suffer from any kind of mental illness or not, take care of the enviroment you’re in. If something feels off and you can’t do anything about it, stay away from it for your own well-being. There’s a reason why it feels off and from my own experience, I believe a humans intuition is almost always the best thing to follow. I tell myself; believe in yourself more. The way people see you is not the way you are, it’s how they are. What people think of you and the things you do doesn’t define you at all. Some people will think you’re lame, some people will think you’re awesome. But that’s totally fine, we can’t be loved by everybody anyway. The sooner we understand that, the better. I tell myself: be nice to people. Always treat people the way you want to be treated. Choose your words carefully and try staying calm when you’re under control of negative emotions. I tell myself: don’t compare yourself to other people. Don’t let other people’s success cause you negative emotions such as jealousy and self-doubt. Try seeing it as motivation instead. Let it inspire you and help you with your journey. How much you work for it is how much you’ll get it. It depends on none else but you. Another thing I tell myself: be your own best friend and don’t screw yourself. I’m saying this because I’m that person who always tries so hard to make everyone happy even if it means I have to let myself down. That is so wrong and irresponsible. It’s wrong and irresponsible because I try so hard to take care of my own well-being and then I do something that damages it. I must stop with that. I must set some limits. My advice for everyone including myself: let things go. Broken friendships,  relationships, dissapointments… Give yourself some time to go through it but make sure you don’t lose yourself in all the darkness. Accept things the way they are and move on. This includes people as well. If something you had with someone didn’t work once, twice or three times, it’s your time to finally get into your head that you’re no longer compatible with that one person you thought was the one, as a friend or as a lover, it doesn’t really matter. You can’t change anyone but yourself. You can’t keep thinking that ‘it’s gonna be different this time’ when the person you have a problem with doesn’t even see the wrongs they do to you. To keep yourself stable, stay close to what you love. People, places, hobbies. Spend your time with people who make who make you feel good, people who you can learn something from and people who inspire you. Go to places that make you feel happy you’re alive. Go to places where your hearts tells you to go. Do the things you’re passionate about. Whatever you do, make sure you do it with love. The last important thing I have to say: make sure you’re aware that you still have so much to learn. About yourself, about your family, about your friends, about strangers, about the world. There are so many good things you’ll discover that are gonna help you become the best version of yourself. Keep working on yourself and your personal development. Once you’re there don’t forget to help others get there too. 

I wish you love and light, my dear people.

Love, Albesa 

Good things about bad things

[10:45 PM / Sunday / December 10 2017]

Writing has always had a therapeutic effect on me. Wherever/whenever I’m down, I find myself reaching for my notebook and writing it all out. Maybe my notebook can handle my feelings better than someone who loves me and doesn’t want me to feel like this. It’s always hard to tell someone I’m not there yet, or that my well-being is still shaky  and unstable. I feel like they don’t ask me about it as much thinking I will be better the next time they ask me about it, and hearing I’m still not there must be as hard for them as it’s for me while saying that. I hate when people worry about me; in one hand I’m thankful that someone cares about me the way I care about them but in the other hand, I know everyone is  already struggling with something and hearing about my struggles and battles while dealing with their own is never pleasing. I know I feel so helpless when that same thing happens to me. I realized a long time ago that there are no words that can describe some feelings. There are no words that can give someone a perception of my feelings, or maybe I just haven’t found them yet. By the way people react to my words, I can tell they don’t understand how I feel which is completely fine. I’ve written it before and I’m writing it again; people don’t really understand something they haven’t experienced by themselves. I don’t know if it has to do with capabilty or something else, it doesn’t even matter at this point. I kind of lost my point in this story but I think you’ll get what I’m trying to say. I’m truly thankful for the people who take the time to check on me every now and then, not because I remind them of struggles all the time but because they remember it themselves. Knowing that someone listents to you is a nice feeling whether they understand what you’re saying or not. Just taking the time to ask me how I’m doing is more than enough. My younger sister often tells me; ”you always know what to say, you’re the only person I can talk to like this”, I don’t feel like I always know what to say but regardless, I’m so happy my words can help someone even just a little bit. I’m happy I’ve learned so much from struggling and that the things I’ve learned can help someone else find their path. I’m also happy that I manage to find something good in all of these bad things I often feel. It’s been almost a year of me writing about my life like this. It has helped me so much in so many ways. It has helped me with my sleep which is very bad, my peace that I definitely need, and mostly my words and expression. I don’t know where I would be right know if I had to keep for myself everything I let out on here. This blog comes the closest to what’s on my mind, my heart and soul. I can’t believe how much it helped me in keeping myself together. The best part about it; I opened up about everything and nothing bad happened which is often not the case while opening up to people. By nothing bad I mean it never made anyone stressed, worried or disappointed which is a possibility when someone is listening to me in person. To everyone who listens to me; please don’t worry about me. I will make it to so many more sunshines as long as I’m willing to try again everytime there’s a storm inside of me. I will keep trying until there’s a big colorful rainbow around my heart.

Please be aware of the fact that whatever you’re going through is making you learn and grow. Try taking your battles as lessons that are teaching you a lot of good things such as patience, self-growth, tolerance, being more open-minded and being more mature than you ever thought you could be. Those qualities are very important for your future self and they are also very rare. Once you get there, you’ll look back and say; ”It was painful as hell, but I’m stronger than ever now. Thanks to everything I had to face, I became my own champion.”

Love, Albesa

A result of a sleepless night

[7:52 AM / Monday / November 27 2017]

I’m starting this post without really knowing how it’s gonna end. I just want to write something because my chest is starting to feel a little heavy. I haven’t slept all night, a little because of my messed up sleeping schedule, a little because of my anxiety that usually kicks in before I put my phone down right when I’m about to sleep. I’m getting better though, I’m excited about occupying myself with what is good for me. I’m not a professional when it comes to mental health, I don’t always have the right words to say to a person who is dealing with something hurtful. I’m not sure if I can always console another person and make them feel better about a certain situation. What I do know is that I understand people more than ever. Being depressed all my teenage years made me learn so much about humans, how it all works, why it works like that and, of course, how to stop it. I’ve watched so many videos, documentaries and tv shows, I’ve read so many articles and books trying to find answers to my question which was ”how do I get out of this”. How do I stop suffering so much, how do I stop letting every single thing hurt me. The thing is that over the years we create a certain image of everything and everyone around us. The image we have is what we believe is truthful and once we find out we’ve been fooled by our own selves and others, it’s a big thing to deal with because you pretty much feel like your entire life was a lie before you actually saw the truth. We all expect big things from ourselves which we may not achieve at the same exact time we want to. That exact thing happened to me. The image I had of some things were so perfect and once I got to see the truth it broke my heart into a million tiny pieces and four years later I’m still on that same boat picking up those tiny pieces of my broken heart. I’ve been disappointed, hurt, lied to, fooled, left behind. I was dealing with multiple eating disorders at the time when it all started. I had noticed becoming anxious because of the way I thought / saw about myself. To cut it short, I became an incredible mess. I couldn’t deal with myself and how I felt all the time. Years after, I’m here writing this post knowing that to this day, no matter how I’ve felt, I’ve survived 100% of those awful days. From the absolute worst ones, to those a little bit better ones and to these ones right now when I feel smarter than ever. More hopeful than ever and more mature than ever. It’s good to know that even though I’ve been depressed most of my time over the last four years, I still managed to get up and live through everything. Depression took a lot from me. I islolated myself which is why my ‘friends’ gave up on me (I’m actually thankful for this because, in my opinion, a person who is not there for you when you’re at your worst can’t be your friend), I failed my driving test so many times because I couldn’t focus and drive properly which made me question if I’m even capable of driving. I was forced to drop out of college because I couldn’t study for all of my exams, which was a huge disappointment for my parents who are the ones I love and cherish more than anyone else. I was forced to deal with the thought of being ‘stupid’ for a little while, until I got profesionally diagnosed with depresson and anxiety which explains why my concentration drops all of a sudden or why I can’t sleep when I need to sleep. Depression either makes you sleep too much or it either takes your sleep away which happened to me. No sleep, no concentration, no nothing. All you do is just overthink, worry and stress. How is a human being supposed to function like that? Study with zero concentration? Drive with zero concentraction? I’m actually thankful I haven’t gotten my license yet because to be fair, my depression could take over me any time which means concentration drop which could lead to a car accident and that’s definitely not how a mature person acts. If you know you’re not in a state for something, just don’t do it. Don’t risk things getting even worse than they already are. Stay patient and smart. I know it’s hard to deal with things, I know it’s hard to deal with your ‘failures’. Remind yourself that depression is not something you choose, which means that you didn’t choose to fail at anything. Remind yourself that you’ve gained so much from being hurt, you’ve proved yourself that at the end of the day, you can still close your eyes, take a few deep breaths and just remind yourself that you’re still alive. To me, that is a strong person. A person who keeps going, a person who keeps hoping and fighting for their progress in life no matter the fact that they’ve been broken for such a long time. I wish I could express how much love and hope I have for people who struggle to live normally yet they make it to another sunshine every single day. If you’re one of those people, let me tell you that I’m proud of you. Never stop working on yourself, never stop hoping and never think of yourself as ‘not good enough.’ You’re so much more than just enough. I’m not sure if there’s such a thing as perfect timing but if there is one, yours is about to come. Everything you thought you would never achieve will come to you, just stay patient and keep trying. Chin up, keep going. We got this.

My heart broke down into a million tiny pieces of pain, but I’m picking up pieces of hope now.

Love, Albesa

Romantic relationships mixed with personal issues

”You’re 20 years old and you’ve never had a boyfriend?!”; that’s how people usually react when I tell them I’ve never been in a relationship. I know most people my age have had plenty of relationships but that’s basically it. They had them but they don’t have them anymore. Big congratulations to those who made it, I’m very happy for them. Being young and wanting to fit in makes us do things we usually wouldn’t do and I think the same thing happens with having a boyfriend/girlfriend. A lot of young people (not only young people though) just want to have fun, experience different things they’ve never experienced before and just feel some kind of thrill I guess. Being raised in a conservative family, which I believe has had quite a big impact on me and my behavior, I’ve never felt the need to experiment with boys, girls, relationships and stuff like that. I’ve always known that by being in a relationship where there is no love, I would only disappoint myself by doing something I never thought was the right thing to do. I’m happy that I’ve always been aware of the fact that relationships established without love, trust, respect and equality are gonna end soon or later. Knowing that, saved me from hurting myself and someone else. I don’t think it’s fine to use someone else’s feelings for your own entertainment. Relationships are complicated and stressful when there’s no general connection between two people. I haven’t experienced it myself but I’ve seen so many people getting hurt because there was no communication and no connection in the relationship they were in. In my opinion, two people who are in a relationship must be comfortable with each other, be best friends with each other and feel the freedom to say how they feel or think. Breakups happen when people jump in it for the wrong reasons which are often these ones: loneliness, boredom, insecurities, pressure to do it because everyone else is doing it or pressure because they’re ”running out of time’… Some of those things are the things that an individual has to work on by themselves. Those are not the things that another person can make better for you. If you know you’re not in a really good place in your life, take the time to find something that’s not gonna make you feel bored when you’re alone. Take the time to work on what makes you insecure about yourself, take the time to learn how to be your own best friend when none else is around. It’s not easy but it’s definitely easier than expecting those things from someone else. None is gonna walk into your life and solve your personal issues. The other person probably has their own issues to deal with. When you feel complete with your own self, that’s when you know you can connect with someone else. The only time you’ll be yourself is when you’ve accepted yourself the way you are and you embrace yourself no matter what other people might think about you. So basically, before you rush into a relationship because you feel some kind of pressure, make sure you know that the consequences of your choices can lead to heartbreak, pain, disappointment, trust issues, and many other problems. Having personal issues, I don’t think you need even more issues to deal with. Be smart, there’s enough time for everything. Love will happen to you sooner or later, but I think it won’t happen until you’ve given love to yourself first.

Love, Albesa

You live for yourself, I live for myself

Yes, you live for yourself. Not for your mom, dad, sisters, brothers, friends or whoever comes to your mind. This is your life. It’s the only thing you can control as much as you want. I’ve always been the kind of person who likes to live their way. I don’t like rules. I don’t like to do things others want me to, such a thing makes me extremely anxious because there are things people want me to do that I don’t feel passionate about and doing things without love and passion has always resulted with failure. And I know it because I’ve been there and I’ve done that. I kept things to myself to keep others protected and it was a failure because it did so much damage to me. I felt fire caused by so many things burning inside of me, yet I had to act ice-cold so that people wouldn’t be worried about me. You know what? I don’t think I’m that ”protective” anymore. I look around and I don’t see a single person who does the same thing as me. I never do things expecting to get something in return but I don’t do things expecting to suffer either. I’m done. From now on, I want to make plans that are good and convenient for me without thinking about what others will think about it. That is not my problem. I don’t want to deal with that. I choose to free myself from that. It may sound selfish but, my dear people, we will never be able to please everyone. Never ever. There is no such a thing. What we are able to do is please ourselves. We must live the lives we want to, the lives that are results of our own decisions made with love and passion. My therapist once told me; ”Albesa, you’re acting like a superhero. You must never hurt yourself in order to keep someone else safe. That’s not the role you have in your life.” I thought about it a lot and yes, it’s true. I can’t save people from life and getting hurt. All of the things we go through are life. Sometimes they’re the consequences of our decisions, sometimes they’re not. What I’m trying to say is that we should make decisions that make us happy. Decisions that don’t bring hurtful consequences along. Decisions that give us hope, positive energy and something to look forward to. That’s the least we can do for ourselves. About what others do; we can have opinions but we can’t stop anyone from their decisions. The result of their decisions is going to hurt them more than anyone else but we can’t stop it, we can’t prevent it. We make decisions based on what we want and sometimes what we want is not the best for us but that’s not something we know while making a certain decision. If people knew something is going to hurt them, I don’t think they would do it. When people repeat their mistakes, when they keep doing things that hurt them in the past, they do it because they think that it’s gonna be ”different this time.” People will live, make decisions, make mistakes, get hurt, learn, keep going, be happy and more. I’ll figure it out, we’ll figure it out, they’ll figure it out. That’s why I choose to live for myself, I choose not to worry so much about what I can’t do. If my decisions hurt me, I accept it. I accept it as long as I know that I made those decisions thinking they were the best for me. If I did it thinking they for the best for someone else, then I choose to think that suffering is my punishment from the universefor not doing what I must to; taking care of myself and being my own priority. Stop thinking so much about others and give more love and attention to yourself. Care more about yourself. None else is going to do that for me. Or for you. That’s one of a kind thing that has to be done by ourselves and for ourselves. That’s our role in life.

You can do things for other people, of course you can. Just make sure they don’t make you unhappy. Make sure they don’t affect you in a negative way. Take care of yourself.

Love, Albesa

What do you really need?

Seeing news about poor people and children so often inspired me to write this post which is me reflecting to my childhood and my life in general. I grew up surrounded by amazing people which is what I’m very thankful for. My family and I lived in the same house as my uncle, aunt and cousins until I was 13 years old so I definitely do feel like I had 4 parents, which sounds kind of funny. My parents, my uncle and my aunt have offered everything and more to me, my sibilings and my cousins. They made sure we had absolutely everything. We never suffered. We had good people looking after us, we had a lot more food than we really needed and material things such as clothes, shoes and toys that every child likes to have. To cut it short, the life we had and the childhood we had is just amazing. We never really felt like there’s something missing because our parents made sure we had everything that we really needed. I don’t know what it’s like to suffer for food and water like some children do. I don’t know what it’s like to get beaten up every day because alcohol or drugs took over my parents. I feel absolutely heartbroken when I stop for a second and think about the fact that not every child lives the life I lived. Every child, no matter their background, deserves everything needed for a happy and normal life. Children learn fast and they feel things we probably aren’t aware of. They also remember things that we probably don’t think they do which makes me be extra careful with my little brother. I’m not a professional but I would like to address that children can experience trauma at a very young age which can cause problems later in life. If we can help somehow, we should definitely do it. Donating to charity and orphanages is probably the easiest form of help we can offer, yet we never really do it. (If you already do that, great for you!) Maybe we should turn around and see more than just ourselves and our problems. Of course, we’re supposed to take care of ourselves but we should definitely consider doing something for someone who is not able to do the same. Please make sure you value everything that you’ve been offered. Being generally grateful for everything in life is a much easier way of living because instead of counting things you don’t have you actually give attention to the things you do have. A human’s wish to have more is so big, bigger than our imagination. I’m not saying that it’s bad to have wishes but as long as your happiness depends on having more clothes, a better phone or an expensive car, you’ll never really get to know real happiness. In my opinion, true happiness is nothing more and nothing less than our feelings and how we look at the things in life. If we counted our blessings and what we have already have, we would be much happier people, we would stop wishing for more all the time. People like me including myself, who has always had a stable life should be aware of how big of a deal that is. We should appreciate that we haven’t experienced that kind of pain and try helping someone who is not that lucky. Be happy with what you have now, know the value of having a family, being healthy and financially stable. If you want more, make sure you earned it and make sure it’s worth it. Ask yourself this question; ‘what do I really need’? The answer is not going to be that complicated because the list of things we really need is short. Make sure you always go after what you really need first, because that’s where you’ll find true happiness. The rest of the things you want are the things you can have much easier. If you are in a position to do so, help someone else get something from their list of things they really need. That’s probably one of the most beautiful thing you can do, not only for the other person, but for yourself as well. 

The purest form of love is helping others without expecting anything in return.

Love, Albesa

Beauty?

What is beautiful? Who do you ask if someone/something is beautiful? Are other people the ones who dictate your beauty or do you listen to yourself? I’ve been thinking about this lately and I realized that people are so pressured to listen to others and their beauty standards. Listen to me, my dear people. I’m not an ‘important’ person’, people don’t know me and I’m not people’s role model. The world itself is diverse. There are so many beautiful creatures on earth. Different people, different animals, different plants, different everything. The world has no rules when it comes to beauty. You can’t set beauty standards for people who are completely different from you. Different people like different things, is that really that hard to understand? You set your own standards and that’s it. That’s where you stop. That is your only right. And you know why? Because it’s about you. And as long as it’s about you, it’s fine because you’re the one who decides how you’re gonna live your life. As I said, that’s when you’re done. What other people do, how they dress, how they do their makeup,  how they live their lives is none of my or your business. Who am I to tell someone else how to dress? Who are you to tell someone else how to dress? As diverese people that we are, we can’t expect everyone to like everything. No. That’s simply impossible and that’s why I’m so against beauty standards. Not everyone will like what I like. Not everyone will like the way I dress. But that’s fine. I’m fine with that as long as there is respect. I’m not asking anyone to like what I do and neither should you. The only person that should like how you live your life is you. That’s what matters the most. We should never judge people because of their clothes, makeup, hair color, financial status, race, religion, ethnicity, sex orientation…To cut it short, we should never judge each other. We should never make someone else feel bad because they live their lives the way they want to and not the way others want them to. The world is cruel enough the way it is but it’s still possible to make the world around ourselves a little bit nicer. We can’t change the entire world but we can change our worlds. Make sure the world you live in is full of positivity, happiness and joy. Make sure your world is yours and not someone else’s. Live your life however you want to, make yourself happy by doing things you want to do and don’t listen to people who don’t accept you for who you are. I support diveristy. Diversity is beauty. I support myself and everyone different from me in any aspect. What matters is having a beautiful heart, a beautiful mind and a beautiful soul. The rest of beautifuls is your choice and all I can do about it is respect it. The fear of judgment is prison for souls. Don’t judge people. Don’t make people afraid. Don’t prison others. Work on yourself, work on your happiness and do what you want to do. What others do is not your choice. If it’s not your choice, why bother? 

Love, Albesa

Positive thoughts: it’s time to move on

I’ve gone through all of my posts recently and while reading them one by one, I realized I had so many ups and downs. Some posts are full of motivation and some of them are full of misery. I’m not really surprised because my mental health has been a rollercoaster for a long time now. Sometimes it’s just fine, sometimes it’s energetic and sometimes it’s miserable and dark. I know it’s impossible to predict the future but if I could, I would definitely consider predicting my own. One of the main reasons is because I worry about everything. Things that happened a long time ago, things that are happening right now and things that I don’t even know are gonna happen. I worry about every little thing, it’s hardly controlable. Things just get to me and instantly make me sad which is why I’m not emotionally stable yet. I’ve been wondering why does it happen to me and when did it start. I do have an idea that partly explains it but I’m not sure. My world used to be a happy place, a very happy place. Out of all the ‘friends’ I ever had, I must say that I was the one who was always laughing, telling bad jokes that somehow ended up being funny and just carefree. That was my world. When I faced real struggles like eating disorders, family problems that were not money related, my world crashed down, I got lost and all of a sudden, I had a lot of things to worry about. I became anxious, depressed, lost my ‘friends’ and stopped being the outgoing and happy-all-the-time person. It’s fine though. I want to share with you, my dear people, that I’m learning every single day. Learning about peace, about harmony, about growth and so many other things that are good for me. I’ve always been an optimist and that’s one of the things that have never changed. I did lose hope, I did lose motivation but deep down I always knew it would get better which is, I guess, what kept me going on. From now on, I want to write about progress, happines, future plans… I don’t want to write about things that happened it the past anymore. I know I’m still gonna mention some things because they are a big part of my life but I feel like it’s time for me to move forward and not pay so much attention to things I can’t change. I don’t want to worry about it anymore, I want to accept the things that happened, I want to accept my mistakes, other peoples mistakes and move on. I want to get my happy world back but in a much wiser and mature version. That’s my goal. I’m happy that I’m motivated for progress. I’m happy that I’m not doubting myself getting better. I’m more than ever ready to dedicate all of my time and energy to my health and growth. The time I spent crying because of my depression taught me incredible patience but now it’s time to give my all to getting out of the darkness that I got lost in a few years ago. It’s time for some light that humans tend to leave turned off after the bulb breaks. You can carefully replace the broken bulb and then turn on the light again. You can take your broken pieces and make something amazing out of it. My dear people, with a lot of love and a lot of hope, I am saying it again- one step at a time, we got this!

Love, Albesa

It’s up to you

I’m aware that literally everything that I write is somehow related to depression. It’s imporant for me to mention that depression and anxiety have changed me a lot in so many ways and even though I’ve suffered a lot I know I’ve learned a lot as well which I’ve written before. While being at my lowest and while not knowing what to do to help myself feel better, I got lost in trying to get better by talking to other people instead of talking to myself. Only now when I started my recovery do I realize that it was always up to me and that I’ve always been the only person who could change my life for the better because it was me who had to make life-changing decisions. I’m very thankful for every single invidiual who talked to me while I was down. I’m very thankful for every single individual who wanted to help me. Now that I’ve made some big changes in my life such as leaving college in order to get better, I realize how imporant it is to listen to yourself and your needs. I thought I could make it at college while feeling low but it didn’t work. It pushed me backward more than I could push it forward. I never thought I could make a decision like that because leaving school was unacceptable for my parents who didn’t even know about my depression until two weeks ago when I told them about it in the middle of the night. It does feel awful to see their faces while telling them so many sad things but I had to do it sooner or later. I opened up to my mom and dad who I never thought could understand my problems. I’m sure they don’t understand it but at least I have their support to start my regular therapy which I had to do a long time ago. I’m sorry that college didn’t work but I know exactly why it happened. It’s fine, I’ll try again when I’m ready. I’m happy because I finally helped myself. Now that I helped myself, I realize that I can’t help someone else. I can support their journey but I can’t help them in a way a person can help themselves. I can’t help someone else by making decisions for them just like none could do that for me. I know a lot of us have bad habits that are hard to leave behind, a lot of things we think we’ll never get over but we will have to. Life will keep being the same as long as we keep doing the same things over and over again. It’s not enough to just hope for the better. It’s not enough to just wish for the better. The thing that is enough is fighting for it while hoping and wishing. Things can’t get better by themselves because you’re the one who controls them. You control if you’re gonna let something go or stick to it even though you know it’s not good for you. If you want to change your life, you can. I never thought this day would come but my dear people, based on my personal experience, I’m more than ever sure that action is the only way to success, not matter what it is. I can talk to you day and night, I can give you whatever you want but unless you do that for yourself, it’s not gonna work. If you know something is not good for you, don’t force it. Whatever it is, don’t force it. Rather it’s friendship, relationship, college, work or whatever, if you tried and pushed it and it didn’t work, you know it’s time to leave. Don’t expect life to change by itself. It’s your life and it’s a reflection of your actions and decisions. If you don’t like that reflection, just know that you can always change it for the better, any day, any time. It’s up to you, only you. 

Love, Albesa

I’m not where I want to be, I haven’t achieved what I want to achieve but I’ve made decisions that will improve my life. It gets better. One step at a time. If you’re struggling like me, be patient and positive, we got this.

Explaining yourself and getting over it

I wish my pain could go away as fast as these cars that are effortlessly passing by. I wish my pain could go away as fast as the colors of the traffic lights. I wish my feelings were like a glass of water, but a glass of feelings instead, so I could break it, get rid of it and forget it ever existed. I wish, I wish… It’s a cold rainy day but it’s beautiful. It feels good to go outside, breathe some fresh air and let your thoughts go wherever they need to. No wonder it’s so peaceful, it’s almost 2AM and I’m outside walking around getting my inspiration from this much needed peace. It’s been rough lately so being on my own and writing about it when there’s none around does nothing but good to me. The wind feels like a friend to me, it feels something like a friend’s hand touching your back while they are hugging you. Is that strange? Maybe. Today I realized what I’ve learned from being depressed and here are a couple of things that I wanted to share with you my dear people. First of all and one of the most important things to keep in mind is this one; don’t expect people to understand you or your depression. I realized a long time ago that people usually have a hard time understanding something they haven’t experienced themselves. The second thing that I must mention is this one; while going through the worst time of your life, you’re gonna explain yourself so many times, you’re gonna get exhausted so many times and the worst thing about it is that you’re not gonna gain anything from it. Absolutely anything. There will be times when you’ll be called ‘lazy’ or ‘party-breaker’ and honestly, you’re just gonna have to get over it because there’s nothing much you can do about how people ‘portray’ the consequences of your mental state. The third important thing; you’re eventually gonna stop explaining yourself. You’re just gonna stop. Your energy for those kind of things will come to an end. You’re gonna be exhausted and you’re not gonna want to waste the energy that’s left in you on worrying about what people think but on your recovery. I know it sounds weird, but if you’ve experienced this, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about and if you haven’t yet, wait for it, it’s gonna happen sooner or later. The fourth thing; learn to stay patient, keep trying and be aware that better days are coming sooner than you think. We got this.

Love, Albesa

Midnight walks and thoughts

I feel like I’ve lost everything, even though I haven’t. Walking down the streets I’ve always walked doesn’t feel the same anymore. These streets give me an unknown feeling and maybe it’s because I’m not how I used to be. The night hurts. The nights are full of thoughts that I try so hard to stay away from yet I feel closer to them every single day. I have thought about the ways to feel better, ways to feel good again but no matter what I thought, it never sounded like a good idea. Things that I thought would help me, helped me for a second and they became black and white, just like a lot of other things in my life. Depression is something that takes away so much from you and the worst thing about is that you don’t even notice. Every day feels empty and the things that you usually enjoy sometimes don’t even have an impact. It’s been four years. Four long years of feeling like I’ve lost myself. Four long years of not knowing what to do with myself. I’m tired, extremely tired. I have learned a lot of things from this but I have also lost a lot. I lost sunrises full of positivity because I wanted to sleep my pain away. I’ve lost so much energy trying to escape from what has been haunting me. I’ve lost faith in what I believed was stable and real. I’ve lost but I’m still breathing. The night hurts and days feel empty but I’ve kept going no matter what. Is that what I gained? Did I gain energy from getting tired? Is there any explanation for what is happening to me? I’ve lost so much but maybe I’m still breathing because I need to discover that I’ve gained much more than I’ve lost. Maybe. 

Love, Albesa

Maybe you can help me (even just a little)

Sometimes it gets very hard. By very hard I mean feeling low to the point where you start questioning the strength that’s left in you. Writing about everything that’s in my heart makes me realize that there are so many things that make me unhappy and it’s just really sad when you keep writing about your emotions and most of them are negative. What do I do, my dear people? At this moment, I’m more lost than I’ve ever been. Here’s a little story. I’ve always wanted to be a good student, achieve something big and make my parents proud. I applied for college, got in and attended classes knowing that  I had mental health issues. You know what happened? It only got worse. I became even more depressed and even more anxious because I couldn’t focus and study. My parents kept asking me how it was going and each time it felt worse than the time before. I had to go to a place where I would be surrounded by hundereds of people and for an anxious person like me, it feels like hell. I knew I wasn’t ready for something that takes so much from a person but I rushed into it hoping I could make it somehow. The results are here. I feel like I have heavy weights on my back that none can take off me. I’m more depressed than ever and more miserable than ever. I’m trying to figure it out somehow, trying to make myself study and pass my exams but my dear people, I hope at least one of you, will be able to understand what’s it like to be a living mess, a person who struggles to calm their heartbeat that goes crazy because of anxiety caused by so many things at once. I don’t know what to do. I’m torn between dropping out of college so I can focus on my mental health and keep living like this so I don’t have to deal with my parents and them being disappointed in me. I’ve never wanted to disappoint anyone, especially not my parents who have given me so many possibilities. I’ve never wanted to make my parents think that I’m ungreatful. I hope I can figure things out somehow because living like this is exhausting and I’m running out of fuel…What would you do?

Love, Albesa

p.s. any advice will be appreciated. 

Memories, struggles and making peace

Thirty days of vacation are over. It’s time to go back to real life which is in my case toxic and full of struggles. It gets better, it’s fine. About my vacation in my homecountry Kosovo, all I have to say is that there have been moments I’ll never forget. From basic walks around the village to amazing concerts full of positive energy. Lifetime memores have been made, I’m happy. There have also been moments when I couldn’t help myself with my sadness, not that something extremely sad happened there, it’s just the fact that no matter where you go, your struggles will follow you, that’s exactly what happened to me. I went to Kosovo to relax and give my mind a break away from my everday life in Croatia but I don’t feel like I got any of that. I must admit that I got tired trying to escape from everything. As I said before, wherever you go, your feelings will come along and that’s the worst thing ever because you hope, that somewhere away where things are different from what you see every day, you will feel better and hopeful. You do feel better but it doesn’t last. Your mind gets ”fooled” by the things you don’t see every day but once it becomes natural, you’re back to your everyday state. Maybe it’s just me. Anyway, now that my vacation is over, it’s time to face the struggles and make peace with them somehow. I hope the things that make me happy bring me strength and energy to keep going until it gets better. I believe in progress in every single aspect. Nothing can ever limit us more than our own mind. What we need to do is believe in whatever we want to achieve, whether it’s overcoming depression or getting two college degrees at once. The power of our beliefs is so much more powerful than our doubts, once you believe you can achieve something you want, you’ll feel unstoppable. I haven’t experienced that feeling yet but I’ve talked to some amazingly inspiring people who truly made me believe that a positive mindset is the key that opens every door. Those kind of people are the only ones you need in your life. Keep your circle small, work hard, stay lowkey, be nice, be careful and stay humble. The rest will come, sooner or later. 

All my love, Albesa

Explaining myself

There’s this one song called ‘Perfect’ by a band called Sum 41 which is hands down one of my favorite songs ever. I feel like I’m so under pressure to be good and kind all the time that I almost made myself believe that I’m too careful for making mistakes, even the smallest ones. I know, it’s ridiculous, but I think I really almost made myself believe that I’m not gonna make mistakes anymore. What I want to explain to myself is that being kind and good doesn’t prevent making mistakes because they happen spontaneously and you don’t really plan making them. It’s hard to define the word mistake because sometimes what we do makes so much sense in our head that we don’t see anything wrong with it or how someone else could react to it. As a person who is always willing to learn and grow, I’m learning to think about every person involved in my actions and think about if my actions make sense to them at least a little. Of course, not everything we do will make sense to other people, that’s not even neccessary, but if other people are involved in something we’re doing, we might as well make sure they don’t get hurt or something. See, I’m constantly worried if people will understand me or not, if people will know what exactly I want to say or not. I wish I could understand that that’s literally impossible because we understand things based on how we are and what we know, not how others are which explains why we’ll never be able to please everyone. These days I feel tired of trying to make sense to everyone because no matter what I do, there’s always going to be someone who’s not completely fine with it. Knowing that I’ve disappointed people is a very sad fact that really gets to me even though disappointing people I care about was never my intention. It’s not about caring more or less about someone/something, it’s doing what you think it’s the right thing to do even though you know you won’t please everyone with your actions. Sometimes the things you do for something really great don’t make sense but I think they’re hard to understand because they’re personal and personal things are hard to understand unless you’ve experienced something simmilar yourself. My dear people, make your life a lot more easier, quit expecting people to understand you. You understanding yourself is more important.  I’ve been thinking about the point of life in general but no matter how much I think about it, I don’t think I’ll ever know the answer to that question. I guess we should just keep living no matter what. Life is more than sadness and disappointments. They say those things make us stronger, can I believe it?

Love, Albesa

Where have I been?

It’s been such a long time since I last wrote anything. I don’t really know why I didn’t take out my notebook and start writing whatever was on my mind because I know I felt like writing quite a lot while experiencing some of the most terrible emptiness I have ever experienced. I distanced myself from everyone and everything for some reason. I stress a lot and it’s not something I’m proud of but I’m slowly learning to accept the fact that even though things don’t go as planned, it doesn’t mean that they’re gonna go wrong. Nothing we stress about is actually that bad, the power of our imagination is just playing with us and I think it happens because we’re used to allowing it. It’s fine though. At this very moment, I’m sitting in my livingroom in my homecountry Kosovo. I feel hopeful for the first time in such a long time. I almost forgot how it felt which is really sad. I’m happy for now but I’m also afraid. I’m afraid of going back to Croatia where the atmosphere is nothing but toxic. I have mentioned before that I don’t like my life in Croatia and that it has never felt like home to me. It’s so hard to leave Kosovo whenever I’m here because it’s the only place where I’m relaxed and happy. It’s hard to explain it and it sounds crazy but it’s almost like I’m not the same person here in Kosovo and in Croatia where I live. Life is so much different here and there, just hearing people speaking my mother language makes me extremely happy.  This story doesn’t really have a point or something I’m putting my focus on, it’s just a short summary of where I’ve been this past month. I’m happy and enjoying my time here in Kosovo. Where hope is never dead and where smiles never end. That’s exactly what I need.

Until next time,

Love, Albesa

Then and now

There are so many things I wanna say at the moment. There are so many things people I’m surrounded by don’t understand. I got tired trying to explain everything to everyone, I got exhausted. Back in 2013, I was dealing with eating disorders which lead to mental disorders such as anxiety and depression. I didn’t know how to deal with it or what I had to do in order to feel ”normal” again. I thought I could easily turn back to my normal life but waiting for it to get better by itself it only got worse. My sophomore year in highschool was pure darkness. I was completely unstable and my anxiety was at the highest point ever. I went to a private school where I was surrounded by people who were so lost that they thought everyone would like them because of their expensive clothes. I’m saying they were lost because they had no idea what they were doing and neither did I. My ”friends” kept asking me to hang out and no matter how much I tried to explain to them that I wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want to be in public, I failed. I don’t know if it was about me or about them but I failed, I admit it. My ”friends” couldn’t understand me even though I’m sure I made it clear that I was at my lowest point I had ever been. In case you were wondering, no, I’m no longer friends with any of them. I don’t blame anyone for anything, I believe that from their perspective, it looks like I pushed them away and that’s completely fine. I was not the person they had met years ago. They couldn’t find a reason to stay by my side. The person I had become was worried and isolated which is the opposite of the person I had been before. Maybe it was my fault for what happened but sadly, you can’t choose how you feel, I couldn’t fight against myself at the time. It was all a new thing to me, I didn’t know how to live with it. Looking back, I miss the person I used to be and I miss those carefree times we spent together but I would never want to be that person again. I would never want to be so close to people who left me when I needed them the most. I would never want to be friends with people who made me apologize for not feeling well. I don’t label myself anymore. I don’t define myself with words such as ‘a happy person’ or ‘a depressed person’. I don’t believe in that. I’m a lot of things and most of them are still not discovered. I’m here to live and discover my potential in all aspects and so are you. The memories I made will always be a part of me. I wouldn’t change anything because I can understand the person I used to be. What I need to do now is focus on the present, stop explaining my feelings and try to understand the person I am today.

Love, Albesa

Positive thoughts and being thankful

My dear people, I have no clue where this is going. I felt the need to write so here I come. Anyway. I’ve been thinking about my family a lot lately and the things I can do to make it better. My family is already pretty great. It’s big, it’s loud and most importantly, it’s full of love. I remember how it used to be a few years ago. I used to fight with everyone, literally everyone. I know what I was going through but I think that’s not an explanation for my behaviour.  Reading my old journal, I realized that I wasn’t aware of anything, I had no clue what I was doing. What I was going through was rough for me and I think it made me empty and blind. My mom and dad are the best people I’ll ever know. I know every child says that but I really mean that. They are strong, supportive and want me and my sibilings to succeed so bad! I had a conversation with my dad the other day and he told me to study hard so I wouldn’t have to go through what he went through. My grandpa was poor and that’s why my dad couldn’t go to school. I know my dad would have become the best doctor ever if he ever got the chance to get educated. The point of this story is to be thankful and careful. Let’s be honest here, I’m not the best student I could ever be. Things happen, it’s fine. I’m gonna have to study so hard to pass all of my exams. The thing is that I no longer think about how hard it’s gonna be. I think about the happiness and pride I’ll feel once I’m done with that. Now let me tell you a short story.  I used to wake up in the morning feeling down because I would have to use public transport which I really dislike. I dislike it for multiple reasons but mainly because of my anxiety. Can you imagine? I, unfortunately, still suffer from anxiety which does affect my life but as I said before, it helped me realize who I was. Things have changed, nowdays I wake up feeling greatful that I even get to go to school. I try to occupy my mind with positive thoughts to the point where I don’t even think about the one hour public transport ride which actually isn’t that bad at all. The power that is inside of us is so insanely big. I’ve learnt that I can control my mind and my thoughts and that what I can’t control shouldn’t make me so upset. Confronting what you can’t control is the best solution. Look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself: ”What can I do about it?” If you have answers, great for you. Do what you can and make the situation better. If there is nothing you can do about it, confront it and accept it the way it is. I’m proud of my dad and his achievements no matter what. He didn’t have the opportunity to go to school and I can’t do anything about it. What I can do is be greatful for my opportunities and take the chances that I’ve been given. If you want to get inspired, just listen. Listen to your family, your friends or strangers you see in public transport. I don’t fight with my family anymore. I’ve listened and I’ve learnt. I’ve listeneted and I’ve grown. And I still have a lot to learn and even more to grow. 

Love, Albesa

A piece of advice for myself (and you)

I remember elementary school and how important it was for me to have a lot of friends. I don’t know what I was thinking or doing but I remember that I was really worried about if people liked me or not. It’s strange that I wanted validation from people who were doing things that I usually don’t admire but I guess I wasn’t paying attention at the time. Me and my cousin have always been best friends but at the time we thought that we needed more friends. Looking back, I realize that things really do happen for a reason. My cousin is the only person who went through everything with me so it’s not strange that people I used to be ”friends” with have chosen a completely different path. It makes sense that we lost what we had, if we even had anything. What I’m trying to say is that you’re not here to impress other people or get their validation. You’re here to be the best version of yourself, for yourself. I believe we’re all creators of our own destiny so work on what you want for yourself and don’t expect someone else to fight for you. Of course there are gonna be times when you’re gonna need some help and that’s completely fine, but remember that you’re the only person that can do most of what needs to be done. Quit blaming other people for your mistakes. Realize that it’s okay to be wrong but it’s also important to learn to be responsible for your mistakes. Stop looking for people to complete you. This is usually related to romantic relationships but I’m talking about relationships generally. People can’t complete you. Other people can make your life more beautiful but you’re the only person who knows how you truly feel. I see what people do. You feel empty so you start looking for something that will complete you. You look for it in someone else without realizing that you can’t take pieces of someone else and make them yours, can you? My dear people, none is better than you. We’re all unique individuals. Get your broken pieces together and make yourself feel complete again. I know it’s much easier to read this than actually do it but believe me, once you start trying, you never stop. Stay in touch with your emotions, ask yourself what you want to do and do it. Quit waiting for people to push you forward and start doing that yourself. Your potential is different from other people’s potential, we’re all good at different things so why think that everyone’s better than you? You can help yourself more than anyone could ever do it. My dear people, your strength is limitless. You don’t have to wait for people to give you enough time to show them that you can reach the moon or the stars. Open the doors and leave. Leave the ones who hurt you, who never inspire you, leave with a lot of fear but with a lot of excitement as well. Give yourself some time and give yourself a chance to make peace in your life. Do what makes you happy, stay close to people you love, be nice and be greatful.

”In weakness or in strength, change can be amazing” (The Neighbourhood – Honest)

Love, Albesa 

ps: All of the things written above are the things I usually say to myself. 

We got this

Everything feels a little strange. I’ve been pushing myself more than ever and, my dear people, I think it’s working. I’m not sure but I think I’ve noticed some changes in my wellbeing. Of course you can’t get better over night but small steps are progress as well. These small steps mean so much to me because they are proof that I’m not where I used to be. They are proof that I’m trying. I’ve been setting this ‘I can do it’ mindset right after waking up in the morning. It’s like I’m commanding myself to get up and try and I think that’s exactly what has made a change in my wellbeing. There are a lot of things I worry about but I’ve been trying really hard to calm myself down with positive thoughts. It’s super hard and it sometimes feels like I’m lying to myself but I know this is the right thing to do, I know I can’t just sit there and wait for a miracle to save me. I think what we all need to do is to set small goals and work little by little until we achieve them. One step at a time, no pressure, no hurry. Setting goals is important because it’s a step towards a better tomorrow. Big goals come from small ones so work on those first. Be your own priority, take care of yourself, believe in yourself, treat yourself the way you treat others, be careful with your time and energy, make sure you eat, drink and sleep well and be greatful for what you’ve been given. I believe in you and I believe in myself.

We got this.  

Love, Albesa

Is it really that bad?

I absolutely hate it when I feel my heart pounding like crazy. I feel myself getting nervous and stressed because of all the overthinking I unconsciously do. Anxitey is just awful. It takes over me and I can’t do anything about it besides feel it. I have lost my sleep  because of it so many times but sometimes it really gets a little too much. I got an anxiety attack the other day; it happened right when I put my phone down and was about to sleep (this has been happening a lot lately). Those moments are the worst because that’s when my mind starts to produce thoughts that ruin my peace. I was trying to fall asleep for about 2 hours before I got up and went to the balcony to breathe some fresh air and find some peace. I sat in my living room and started crying because I couldn’t believe that was me. I used to be the kind of person who couldn’t understand when people cried easily and now I’ve become one of those people. I used to be outgoing and going out has now become a challenge to me. I went for a walk yesterday night and I was wondering when and how did all of this happen? When and how did I lose such a big part of me? I have always been very optimistic but I’ve had this feeling of failure ever since college started. I know it’s because I’m not focused and determined as I would want to be but I don’t know what to do about it. It’s just really hard to do anything when you’re feeling like this. It’s very hard to understand it unless you’ve experienced it yourself. Things like these are incredibly scary. I know I’ve changed a lot but not necessarily for the worse. I’ve become the most private person I know, which I actually like. My circle is smaller than it has ever been, I’m more family oriented than I’ve ever been and I’m more mature than I ever thought I could be. I choose to believe that everything happens for a reason. For example, if I never got depression and anxiety, I would never isolate myself. I would probably be making memories with wrong people which is terrifying. I’m glad I isolated myself because I got to see who my real friends were. It’s been a long time since I last felt good but now I know that when I get better, I’m gonna be surrounded by people who truly believe in me and were there for me when I was at my worst. I’m still very optimistic.

Love, Albesa

How does it get less painful?

Today has been a good day so far. It’s cold but sunny, there are flowers on the grass and there are happy kids on the playground. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it before but I love kids so much. They are so carefree and happy and I’m not quite sure how it works but it inspires me and getting inspired is very important. I think I’ve made some progress in being a stable human, at least I feel like that today. I’ve been trying very hard to feel better. It’s a constant battle but trying is the key to happiness and success. What I’ve been thinking about lately is feeling guilty because of my feelings. It happens when you open up to people who clearly don’t understand what you’re going through and the only thing they say is ”Oh, there are people dying, it’s gonna be fine.” Let me explain myself. I’m aware that there are people who feel much worse than me. I’m aware that there are people who have more problems than me. I’m aware. What I want to say is that just because someone out there has bigger problems than me doesn’t mean that my problems are invalid. Just because someone out there is struggling more than me, doesn’t mean that I’m not struggling at all. Just because there are people who have less than me doesn’t mean that I’m spoiled and ungreateful. Different people experience different things and with that being said, different people are going to get hurt from different things. My pain has nothing to do with other people’s pain. My problems don’t get less painful because other people’s problems are more painful and neither do yours. If people felt better because someone out there was going through something worse, there would be no sadness in this world because there will always be people who are going through something worse then us. Unfortunately, that’s not how it works. It only gets less painful because of us and our actions along with the support and help of our loved ones. That’s why I find it pointless to compare my problems to other people’s problems. I use them as motivation and inspiration. I try to understand people and their feelings which makes me grow as a person. I try to understand their ways of getting better so I can get better myself. I try to help people as much as I can. I try.  I want you to know that what you’re going through is not stupid. You’re the only person who knows how much something means to you. It’s not your fault if people can’t or don’t want to understand you. It’s more important for you to understand yourself anyway. 

Love, Albesa

About humans, battles and hope

I do not usually plan what I write but this time, it was not planned at all. Like at all at all. I got a wave of emotions all of a sudden and I felt like I would explode if I do not start writing. I do not even know what happened, maybe it is because I remembered everything that me and my friends have gone through and what we are going through right now. I know people say ”do not look back” but, man, it is so hard not to look back when some things from the past affect your presence. For example, it is very likely that someone who has gone through a rough heartbreak (does not have to be in a romantic way) is going to have major trust issues. It is possible that they are going to become less talkative or less outgoing. It is also possible that they are not going to be interested in meeting new people because they do not think they can trust them. I am writing this because it is how I feel which, of course, does not mean that everyone is going to feel like me. I do not know how life is supposed to be like and I believe it is different for everyone, but on the other side, what I do know is that people should not suffer and make others suffer. I believe that, since we are all human, we are here to help each other and do good to each other the way we do good to ourselves (questionable). The person that I am today has so much to say, so much to write. I have so many people that I want to talk to and so many places I want to visit. I struggle with keeping up with my constant battles that I can not seem to outgrow (I’m working on it). I am looking forward to getting better, going home to Kosovo and being the best student, sister, daughter and friend I can possibly be. I am feeling down and hopeless but tomorrow is a new day. I hope I wake up feeling motivated and strong enough to keep going no matter how hard it is. I believe in each and every human being who comes across this story. I believe in you and I believe in myself. We are stronger than all the pain in this world.

Love, Albesa

A raindrop of emotions

I feel raindrops on my face as I walk down the street in the middle of the night. I don’t know about other people but when my anxiety hits me, besides writing, I like to go outside, walk, breathe some fresh air and talk to myself as if someone was listening to me. Maybe it’s better that no one is actually listening to me because sometimes I feel like I could go on for days explaining my feelings and people still wouldn’t understand. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t expect people to understand every single feeling of mine because that is simply impossible. I’m thankful for people who listen, that’s more than enough for me. Anyway, I have been thinking about what it takes to feel good about yourself and your life. I realized that a lot of people think they need other people in order to be happy even if the people they think they need do so little for them. If certain people make you feel good about yourself and are always there for you no matter what, keep them around. Do it because the things they do for you are as valuable as the things you do for them. It’s very important to realize that it’s actually possible to cut people off; people who take away your energy, stop you from growing and getting better. You need to love yourself and progress just like mother nature does. Let it inspire you. Nature loses its colors during winter but it’s prettier than ever just three months later. My dear people, let that inspire you like it inspires me. Don’t be afraid or ashamed to talk about your feelings, ask for help or admit that you’re not feeling well. Life puts us through tough situations but it doesn’t stop there. You can change yourself. You can change your life. You can fight for what you believe. You can be your own best friend and do wonders by treating yourself the way you treat others. Give yourself a chance to see how colorful you can become. Fall as many times as you need to but don’t ever stop getting up. Not that I’m the happiest person on earth, in fact, I’ve been suffering from depression and anxiety for a long time now but these things are the things I say to myself when I feel like my optimism is getting low. These things might be right what someone needs to hear at this moment. Love and light my dear people, it’s gonna get so much better, I feel it.

Love, Albesa

Depressed garden

garden= human beings, people

flowers= our lives, beautiful things we have been given

flowers we stepped on= the past, pain

It’s not a secret that my mind is a mess, it has been like this for a long time now but sometimes I find my mind filled with thoughts that surprisingly, do make sense. Since I don’t even know what I’m gonna write about, I’m just gonna throw my thoughts out here hoping they make sense in the end (at least a little bit). I have been thinking about my life and how I really do not value what I’ve been given as much as I should. I do feel bad about it and I’m kind of ashamed because my life has potential to be a very good life. Since there is potential, what’s the problem? The problem is depression. When you’re generally depressed, you lose a big part of yourself and your life. Okay maybe not lose but something similar, maybe forget about it? You live your life feeling down thinking about so many things all at once that you forget what causes you pain in the first place. I may be bad at explaining it but just imagine this; you’re in a garden full of beautiful flowers but you only pay attention to the ones you stepped on. You spend your time trying to get them back to life. You try, try and try but you accidentally step on them again. When you think you’re getting better, something attacks you over and over again and all the beautiful things you have lose their colors. All the flowers around you, the ones you haven’t stepped on, they wait for you to keep them alive but you’re to busy with the ones you stepped on that you make other flowers die too. That is what happens to people when they’re depressed. If you’re brave enough to try harder (I strongly believe you are) the flowers you stepped on are gonna mark what you went through and you’re eventually gonna get out of it, but if you keep your feet on that same path of flowers you stepped on, the rest of the garden is gonna die too and what will happen then? You will be left with nothing. You will be left with ashes. No matter what you’re going through, I believe there is bravery and energy left in you that will make you come back to your normal life. There are a lot of flowers in your garden that you need to take care of. 

(I’ll be repeating this to myself until I get better.)

Love, Albesa x

 

3:40 AM

 I am writing this post right after talking to my best friends about some tough situations life has been putting us through lately. The way you can connect with people on so many levels has always been amazing to me but this is just different. Me and my three best friends are a small group of people. Very different from each other but yet simmilar enough to understand almost everything each one of us goes through. It’s impossible to always have the right words to say in some tough situations but the endless support means more that any word will ever mean. Let me mention an important detail. Two of my best friends live in my homecountry Kosovo and I live in Croatia with my other best friend who is also my cousin. We spend around 60 out of 365 days together yet the connection we have breaks all the limits. You know how it works? All you really have to do is care and love. Care about people no matter how far away they are from you, care about their well being even if you physically can’t be their crying shoulder. That is what makes a relationship strong and unbreakable. Endless excuses for relationships that didn’t work out (not defining what kind of a relationship) make me tired. I’m tired of people hurting each other because they are confused and don’t know what they want. Isn’t it easier to just let someone go instead of making them believe you care when you actually couldn’t care less? Please be careful with your loved ones and ones you don’t even know. Just be careful naturally, we’re all human. Keep in mind that you don’t need a reason to be nice to people and that being down to earth is a quality, not a weakness. And one more thing, when you tell someone “I love you” make sure you fully understand the meaning of it. Don’t fool yourself.

Love, Albesa x

Self love and letting go

The most powerful feeling a human being can possibly feel is love, and I’m talking about love in every way possible, not only the romantic one. It’s what motivates us, inspires us, what makes us strong, what makes us weak and many more things I believe a lot of you have experienced. When someone mentions the word ‘love’ it’s usually the romantic kind of love, which is fine. Today I’m putting my focus on something that I feel is kind of ignored and that is self-love. We spend so many years in school learning things that are truly irrelevant to many of us, filling our brains with information we will never use and then all of a sudden we’re about to graduate and we don’t even feel like we know anything. What is life? Life is a mixture of things, experiences, people and you. Yes, you. Your life starts when you start with yourself when you start loving and appreciating yourself the way you love and appreciate other people (even the ones who don’t deserve it) Let me tell you something. I used to be a completely different person. I used to make people think they could reach out to me whenever they wanted/felt the need to, and I never felt like I could reach out to them. I used to find excuses for someone’s behavior because I didn’t want to accept the fact that someone wasn’t the way I thought they were, I think I wanted to escape from my disappointments. I used to do many more things, including ignoring people who truly loved me because I didn’t think about the fact that their love could be gone. All these things used to make me sad, anxious and depressed. I never knew that being nice to someone could cause me pain and other negative feelings. I kept wondering what I did wrong when all I did was be supportive. Years later, I’m here writing this post knowing that letting people go was the best decision I could ever make. People who stop you from growing as a person and cause you pain are people who you need to leave behind in order to finally realize what self-love is. All the love and time you spent trying to please other people is now free and ready for you. The energy you spent on other people and never got it back from them is now ready to be given back to you. Keep the good people around, people who are good for your health and do your thing. Appreciate all the love you have been given and don’t take it for granted. Let yourself heal from things that used to hurt you. Do what you love and don’t look back at what your life used to look like. You’re the only person living your life, so live it the way you want to. Realize things others never did, and most importantly, realize how amazing you are.

Love, Albesa

What truly matters

I caught myself wide awake at 4 am struggling to fall asleep. These are that kind of nights when your mind is a mess and your motivation is higher than the mountain you wish to climb someday. You hear the birds making their noise and you only wish you had as much life in your body as them. You wonder what is stopping you as the fresh air touches your skin. You close your eyes and let your mind go wherever even just for a minute. In that minute you realize how many things matter and how many things don’t. Fresh air, sunrise, birds and water make you feel so alive and feeling alive is such a beautiful feeling. We stress too much, worry too much, want to much and we forget to look around. No material thing can beat the feeling of freedom while you’re inhaling morning air into your lungs or the sound of your laughter when you’re truly happy.  You’re feeling like all your problems are suddenly gone. Those sleepless nights where made for us. For our body, mind and soul. These sleepless nights are your body’s message that you need to rethink and realize how blessed you actually are.  I have heard this so many times but it’s true. Whatever hurts today will hurt less tomorrow. The sun rises and the sun sets. There is an end to every little thing, good or bad. 

love, Albesa

College and life

I have found myself drowning in my own thoughts many times and it feels like a true mess when you don’t know how to escape from your own mind that works like a machine. Going to college has made me more anxious than I have ever been but also more aware. I personally dislike public transport just because I find it hard to be surrounded by a lot of people but there are good things about it too. It takes me about an hour to get to college so I stare at Zagreb’s beautiful architecture, take out my planner and write and write and write during my ride. I write down my feelings, my thoughts, my ideas but I also write what I hear and see and believe me, a lot of things happen in public transports so there are a lot of things to see and hear. I see how people look on Monday mornings, I see their stressed faces while going to work and doing things they probably don’t like, I see 16 year-olds smoking while waiting for their buses to arrive and I see old people selling fresh fruit on stands trying to make some money to survive. Coming home from college on a cold winter night makes me accept the fact that things don’t always work out the way I want them to. I will fail my exams a lot of times, I will lose my motivation and I will have to try hard until I succeed. At the end of the day, those things will make me work harder because hard work and effort can’t betray me or you or anyone. College is a challenge, life is a challenge in general but also an opportunity that a lot of people don’t get. No matter how sad it makes me to hear the way people talk to each other, it also inspires me. It inspires me to keep being nice on Monday mornings when people least expect it.

love, Albesa.