[10:45 PM / Sunday / December 10 2017]
Writing has always had a therapeutic effect on me. Wherever/whenever I’m down, I find myself reaching for my notebook and writing it all out. Maybe my notebook can handle my feelings better than someone who loves me and doesn’t want me to feel like this. It’s always hard to tell someone I’m not there yet, or that my well-being is still shaky and unstable. I feel like they don’t ask me about it as much thinking I will be better the next time they ask me about it, and hearing I’m still not there must be as hard for them as it’s for me while saying that. I hate when people worry about me; in one hand I’m thankful that someone cares about me the way I care about them but in the other hand, I know everyone is already struggling with something and hearing about my struggles and battles while dealing with their own is never pleasing. I know I feel so helpless when that same thing happens to me. I realized a long time ago that there are no words that can describe some feelings. There are no words that can give someone a perception of my feelings, or maybe I just haven’t found them yet. By the way people react to my words, I can tell they don’t understand how I feel which is completely fine. I’ve written it before and I’m writing it again; people don’t really understand something they haven’t experienced by themselves. I don’t know if it has to do with capabilty or something else, it doesn’t even matter at this point. I kind of lost my point in this story but I think you’ll get what I’m trying to say. I’m truly thankful for the people who take the time to check on me every now and then, not because I remind them of struggles all the time but because they remember it themselves. Knowing that someone listents to you is a nice feeling whether they understand what you’re saying or not. Just taking the time to ask me how I’m doing is more than enough. My younger sister often tells me; ”you always know what to say, you’re the only person I can talk to like this”, I don’t feel like I always know what to say but regardless, I’m so happy my words can help someone even just a little bit. I’m happy I’ve learned so much from struggling and that the things I’ve learned can help someone else find their path. I’m also happy that I manage to find something good in all of these bad things I often feel. It’s been almost a year of me writing about my life like this. It has helped me so much in so many ways. It has helped me with my sleep which is very bad, my peace that I definitely need, and mostly my words and expression. I don’t know where I would be right know if I had to keep for myself everything I let out on here. This blog comes the closest to what’s on my mind, my heart and soul. I can’t believe how much it helped me in keeping myself together. The best part about it; I opened up about everything and nothing bad happened which is often not the case while opening up to people. By nothing bad I mean it never made anyone stressed, worried or disappointed which is a possibility when someone is listening to me in person. To everyone who listens to me; please don’t worry about me. I will make it to so many more sunshines as long as I’m willing to try again everytime there’s a storm inside of me. I will keep trying until there’s a big colorful rainbow around my heart.
Please be aware of the fact that whatever you’re going through is making you learn and grow. Try taking your battles as lessons that are teaching you a lot of good things such as patience, self-growth, tolerance, being more open-minded and being more mature than you ever thought you could be. Those qualities are very important for your future self and they are also very rare. Once you get there, you’ll look back and say; ”It was painful as hell, but I’m stronger than ever now. Thanks to everything I had to face, I became my own champion.”
I wish my pain could go away as fast as these cars that are effortlessly passing by. I wish my pain could go away as fast as the colors of the traffic lights. I wish my feelings were like a glass of water, but a glass of feelings instead, so I could break it, get rid of it and forget it ever existed. I wish, I wish… It’s a cold rainy day but it’s beautiful. It feels good to go outside, breathe some fresh air and let your thoughts go wherever they need to. No wonder it’s so peaceful, it’s almost 2AM and I’m outside walking around getting my inspiration from this much needed peace. It’s been rough lately so being on my own and writing about it when there’s none around does nothing but good to me. The wind feels like a friend to me, it feels something like a friend’s hand touching your back while they are hugging you. Is that strange? Maybe. Today I realized what I’ve learned from being depressed and here are a couple of things that I wanted to share with you my dear people. First of all and one of the most important things to keep in mind is this one; don’t expect people to understand you or your depression. I realized a long time ago that people usually have a hard time understanding something they haven’t experienced themselves. The second thing that I must mention is this one; while going through the worst time of your life, you’re gonna explain yourself so many times, you’re gonna get exhausted so many times and the worst thing about it is that you’re not gonna gain anything from it. Absolutely anything. There will be times when you’ll be called ‘lazy’ or ‘party-breaker’ and honestly, you’re just gonna have to get over it because there’s nothing much you can do about how people ‘portray’ the consequences of your mental state. The third important thing; you’re eventually gonna stop explaining yourself. You’re just gonna stop. Your energy for those kind of things will come to an end. You’re gonna be exhausted and you’re not gonna want to waste the energy that’s left in you on worrying about what people think but on your recovery. I know it sounds weird, but if you’ve experienced this, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about and if you haven’t yet, wait for it, it’s gonna happen sooner or later. The fourth thing; learn to stay patient, keep trying and be aware that better days are coming sooner than you think. We got this.
I feel like I’ve lost everything, even though I haven’t. Walking down the streets I’ve always walked doesn’t feel the same anymore. These streets give me an unknown feeling and maybe it’s because I’m not how I used to be. The night hurts. The nights are full of thoughts that I try so hard to stay away from yet I feel closer to them every single day. I have thought about the ways to feel better, ways to feel good again but no matter what I thought, it never sounded like a good idea. Things that I thought would help me, helped me for a second and they became black and white, just like a lot of other things in my life. Depression is something that takes away so much from you and the worst thing about is that you don’t even notice. Every day feels empty and the things that you usually enjoy sometimes don’t even have an impact. It’s been four years. Four long years of feeling like I’ve lost myself. Four long years of not knowing what to do with myself. I’m tired, extremely tired. I have learned a lot of things from this but I have also lost a lot. I lost sunrises full of positivity because I wanted to sleep my pain away. I’ve lost so much energy trying to escape from what has been haunting me. I’ve lost faith in what I believed was stable and real. I’ve lost but I’m still breathing. The night hurts and days feel empty but I’ve kept going no matter what. Is that what I gained? Did I gain energy from getting tired? Is there any explanation for what is happening to me? I’ve lost so much but maybe I’m still breathing because I need to discover that I’ve gained much more than I’ve lost. Maybe.