A surprisingly good day: noticing progress

Monday / January 27, 2020

I was finishing my burger and this story came to my mind. I’ve actually been thinking about writing about this topic for a long time and I’m glad the time has finally, randomly come. So, I’m sitting alone in this mini vegan/vegetarian restaurant. As I said, I was finishing my burger, staring out of the window hoping I don’t look weird. I take out my laptop because I’m inspired and want to write. I’m curious to know what people think; not worried or anxious just curious; which is great, right? Now, what’s so weird about spending time alone somewhere? Do you ever do that? I don’t leave the house a lot, I go to college, I go to the grocery store, to the mall which is a 15 minute walk from home and that’s pretty much it, I don’t really go to cafes and sit by myself like this. I was in the city because I had to get some work done and I had some extra time before getting more work done so I said to myself: ”I feel like eating a burger, let’s go for a burger.” I came here, enjoyed my burger and that’s it. The place feels good, I like it and it doesn’t feel weird to me. I decided to write about this because it’s much more than just going to a restaurant and eating a burger. Two years ago, I couldn’t even imagine sitting alone somewhere besides public transport, surrounded by a bunch of people. I couldn’t imagine eating in front of people. I never even considered going to a cafe and have a meal; every time I left the house, I wanted to go back home as soon as possible because it was the only place that felt comfortable. And now I’m here writing this story and I’m happy because I realize that this is exactly what progress looks like. You slowly notice that some things don’t cause you negative emotions anymore. You notice you’re able to do a lot more than you used to. I finished my meal, I’m minding my own business, and there is nothing to worry about. And it’s great not to worry all the time. I also got a really good grade for my essay, which helps me with my fear of failure and that’s also great. Now I’m heading to the orphanage where I hope I’ll be chosen as a volunteer, which I’ve been wanting to do since high school. I’m having a good day and oh lord, it’s a breath of fresh air. It’s so nice to have a good day, it feels unreal. It’s been hard for a long time now so I really appreciate days like these. I must not forget that I can have days like these a lot more often if I don’t allow negative stuff to control my life. Negative stuff happens all the time, it’s inevitable, but it can be just a part of your day instead of your entire day. Point of this story: spend more time doing what you love and pay attention to the bits of your progress more. I definitely will. 

Til next time,

♡ Albesa

Emotions of this exact moment

[3:22 AM, Tuesday, February 12, 2019.]

I’m sitting on my bed, listening to music, thinking about life and how certain things happened. I’ve written about my mental health so much. I’ve tried to express my pain through letters and I don’t know if I did it well but let me cut it short and tell you: my life used to be a disaster. I was unhealthy, in every aspect possible. After going to therapy, and a few healthy decisions that I make every day, I’m here feeling healthy, learning more than ever, improving more than ever and minding my own business more than ever. But I’m also feeling confused. Why is it that when things are going well, something starts to suck so much? I guess this is just another proof that life is never going to be perfect. There is stuff we’ll never be able to control; the effort the other person puts into your relationship, for example. I’ve been a loyal friend, tried to be there for them as much as I could, always made sure they knew they’re loved and now I’m here thinking about where I stand with them. And as much as it breaks my heart to write this, I guess I don’t stand with them anymore. You know why? Because when I started going to therapy, learning about myself, analyzing my mind and my unhealthy habits, I realized I’ve given love to people who didn’t do the same for me, not in the same way I did for them. I realized I was investing effort and energy in relationships that would not exist without my investments. I’m not blaming anyone for anything, I’m just expressing my feelings from my viewpoint. Now that I’m learning and changing for the better, ending unhealthy relationships feels so, so uncomfortable even though they’ve caused me a lot of sadness. I’ve been a people pleaser my entire life and putting myself first just doesn’t feel natural to me. I’m still learning. Sometimes I even feel guilty. Times like those when guilt starts to take over me, I make sure I take a break and remember I did everything I could to make things work and that’s what gives me permission to continue working on myself without unhealthy ideas getting on my way. I’m not a perfect human, I don’t even strive to be one, I might have hurt people out of ignorance and I’m willing to accept it and learn from it but if I ever ask ‘how are you?’ it’s always genuine and coming straight from the heart. While recovering from depression, change, growth, and healthy decisions that, in the beginning, don’t even make sense are inevitable. I’m doing good, I’ve progressed so much and I’m really happy. I’ve been calm,  trying to eat as healthier as possible and appreciating my newly re-developed ability to focus and read books which I love so much. All of that is what I’m grateful for but speaking about right now, about this exact moment, I really can’t stop wishing I could help people get better. This is one of the things I have yet to understand; the fact that I can’t help everyone, especially not the ones who don’t want to be helped for one reason or another. I will have to accept that sometimes it’s better to leave people alone, let them figure it out by themselves and just wish them well. 

At this exact moment, I’m sad that there are less and less people that I can ask ‘how are you?’

I hope I’m making sense at least a little bit.

Love, Albesa

Good or bad? (only time will show)

[12:40 PM / Sunday / June 22, 2018]

I’ve been wanting to take some time, sit down and write for a few days now and I’m finally here thinking about all of the things I want to mention in this story. I want to talk about my journey so far. I’m talking about my health, my growth, my development and stuff like that. I’ve been writing about my journey ever since I started this blog (which I like to call journal because that’s basically what it is). I’ve written stories while I was feeling low, I’ve written stories while I was feeling much better and it shows nothing more and nothing less than the raw reality of dealing with emotional pain. There are some absolutely awful days when you feel like you’re dying, which is probably one of the most terrible feelings a human being can feel, and there are brighter days when you actually dare to imagine yourself living a happier life. There is this thing in the human brain that is called imagination. The thing with imagination is that it’s one of the biggest liars ever. Now, why am I saying this? Because the negative things we imagine in our head are mostly not true. Everything we spend the night thinking about is most likely not that big of a deal as it seems to be. We stress so much about things we’re not sure are even going to happen, we overthink about opinions of people who know nothing about us and in the end what we do is hurt ourselves because we take our imagination way too far, we take it deep inside of us and let it become a dark piece of our daily life. Let me tell you my college story one more time. I applied for college back in 2016. even though I knew I wasn’t mentally prepared for something like that because it requires a lot of effort, time and focus. Being an unhealthy person (depression, anxiety, sleep disorder, eating disorder…) it was impossible for me to dedicate my time and my energy to all of the studying I had to do. I went to college for a year, I passed a few exams and came to an end of the first year. When the final exams came, I knew that was the end of my college journey, I knew I couldn’t push it any further. I didn’t know how to tell my parents who knew nothing about my struggles. June 2017. was probably one of the darkest months I have ever lived through, my depression, my anxiety and my overthinking made me suffer to the point where I really wasn’t sure if I could make it to another day. I couldn’t study, I couldn’t read, I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t sleep. I would spend my days (nights)  watching movies because it would help me forget about my struggles for a little bit. The clock was ticking, exams were coming and I was getting worse. One night, I burst into tears and told my parents I had to leave college which was devastating for them way more than it was for me. I told them I tried because of them and I told them that I couldn’t push it any longer. Something I never thought I could do, something I spent nights and nights thinking about happened. I left college. Me telling my parents about it, me actually not going back to college, it was all way worse in my imagination. It felt terrible in reality, it wasn’t an easy thing to deal with but the image was so much worse, it caused me so much pain and it wasn’t even real. Here I am, one year later feeling one thousand percent better, feeling like a completely different person, much better and much healthier. And who would have known? Back in 2017. leaving college seemed like the most terrible thing that I never wanted to happen but one year later, when I see how much my life has changed, I’m thankful for that decision, I admire myself for leaving something that was causing me even more pain than I was already dealing with. The point of this story is that you never really know if something is good or bad. You just don’t. You don’t get that answer right away, you have to let time pass and show you what was meant for you and what was not. I got my answer one year later. Leaving college which back in the day felt like the most terrible thing ever is one of the best decisions I have ever made. I’m in a much better place now, not torturing myself, I’m much healthier and I feel better about life in general. While becoming healthier and trying to improve the quality of my life out of college, I got a job which helps me be financially stable, I regulated my sleep, I do what fulfills me almost every day and the best part of it is that I got the chance to rethink and realize that I actually want to study something else. I studied journalism which is great but I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. All the hardships that I went through made me realize that journalism wasn’t the best option for me otherwise I would have found a way to keep fighting, right? Life is unpredictable and things are never as bad as they seem. Try to look at things as if they were people. You can’t just look at someone and assume that that the person you’re looking at likes extra cheese on their pizza without even having talked to them, ever in your life. You don’t know that person, you don’t have experience with that person and it’s the same with things in life. You don’t know if something is good or bad, and just because you think a certain way it doesn’t mean they are really like that. The best way to get to know if something is good or bad is to try, see the result of your actions and see how it affects your life. I tried going to college, the result wasn’t good and it affected my life negatively. These are the three things that are enough for you to leave. Leave for the better, improve your life, create a new plan and follow it. While creating a new plan, make sure you know that plans are never easy and smooth so prepare yourself for some possible adjustment in the process. Remember that it’s easier to change the plan than to give up and keep being a miserable person. No change is as hard as going to sleep knowing you disappointed yourself as if you were your own biggest enemy. Think about what you want and go for it. Your life is a reflection of your mindset and your decisions. It’s never too late and it’s never as hard as we think it is, but in order to see that, the first thing to do is try. Always remember your vision and don’t get discouraged so easily. Don’t be ashamed to ask for help. Life can be so much different a year from now but it only becomes different if you make changes. The power is in your mindset and it’s you who has to realize that and finally start using it.

Leaving college is not the worst thing in the world. The idea of me leaving college caused me so many negative emotions because I come from a family who didn’t even get the chance to go to high school, let alone college. I thought my parents would think I was being ungrateful and lazy. I thought my parents would be disappointed and never get over it. I was feeling the pressure to keep going to college because my parents never got the chance to do it. But we are not our parents, and no matter how much we love them, we have to think about what we want because we are the ones who know our deepest selves and we are the ones who know what can make us truly happy. Your parents might get mad in the beginning but they will eventually get over it. When they see you doing what you love, they’re going to be happy even if they disagreed in the beginning. Do your thing and don’t worry, it’s not that bad! 

Love, Albesa

Growth, gratitude, and improvement

[2:09 PM / Sunday / June 17 2018]

Here I am once again, starting a story without really knowing what I’m gonna write. I’m not worried about it though, the stories that I write without planning them turn out being the most relieving ones. Anyway, let’s start. I don’t like the fact that I haven’t written in so long. Actually, I have written a bunch of stories but they’re kind of all over the place. I own way too many notebooks and each of them contains small bits of stories that I started writing in another notebook. I’ve been quite confused these days. I don’t really know how I feel anymore and I truly mean it when I say it. Things have not been getting better or worse, they’re kind of the same most of the time. I got used to my new, work life, routine and I like it because I finally feel like my life makes sense, at least a little bit. When it comes to work, I must mention that I’m doing pretty good however, I know I haven’t been trying my hardest. I’m not gonna start with excuses, I’m just gonna say that I’m gonna work harder and be even more content with my work. A month and a half have gone by since I started working and, oh boy, time goes so fast! I got my first ever salary which felt so strange because I felt like a real adult for the first time in my 20 years of life. Since I’m talking about work, let me mention that I told my manager about my anxiety problems. I had to do it because she asked me why I never ate in the kitchen where all of my colleagues eat. Her answer was the answer that I was expecting; ‘it’s all in your head.’ So many things were going through my mind at that moment. When I came home, one of the things I wrote down in my notebook was this one: ‘people tell me ‘it’s all in your head’ without realizing that that’s exactly the biggest problem people like me deal with. We suffer because it’s in our heads, it’s us who have to live with it day by day. It’s us who have to fight with it day by day. It’s me worrying about every little thing around me, it’s me that I’m afraid of what will happen tomorrow. If those thoughts about me were in someone else’s head, I wouldn’t spend a single minute worrying about it, trust me.’ I can’t remember if I’ve ever written anything more truthful than that. I don’t think I’ve ever agreed with myself more. I have realized one more time that people don’t understand the struggle that anxiety and depression bring, neither do I expect them to anymore. I remember describing it in a few words and it just never worked. My pain, my struggle and my fear, they were always belittled, which only ended up causing me even more negative emotions. I’m okay now, I really am. I’m aware of everything, I’m trying not to think about anything that makes me unhappy, I’m trying to improve the quality of my life. I have a few plans that make me happy just thinking about them so I’m gonna work on those. One of the best things you can do for yourself is keep yourself busy with the things that fulfill you so choose a few things you would like to do more and every time you have some extra time, do one of those things. Spend your time in peace, spend your time away from places/things that remind you of rough times, disappointments, a broken friendship or a broken relationship. Work hard on creating a new, healthier surrounding that will make you feel like a new person which has nothing to do with who you were or where you’ve been in the past. You have the right to start over anytime you want, you have the right to make changes and make the most out of your time while you’re still alive. You have the right to do the things that people disagree with as long as you know that the option you’re choosing is the best option for you. Cherish the things we usually take for granted, cherish your health, your family, friends, food, your roof over your head. Gratitude, compassion, and positivity are a way of life, it takes some time to learn to live like that but once you’re there, you’ll realize how simple some things can be if we don’t makeup things in our heads. Let people know how much they mean to you, be that one ‘annoying’ friend who keeps saying ‘I love you’ all the time. If that’s a part of you, don’t hide it. I tell my cousin/best friend I love her at least 5 times a week because I really do and when that thought comes into my head, I express it. Acting cold or emotionless is not really my thing neither do I think it’s cool or funny. Emotions are meant to be expressed otherwise you’ll kill yourself way before you’re really dead. Oh, yeah, let me end this story with some nice things. I feel like I’ve grown even more since I’ve started working. I acknowledge every little bit of my progress and it makes me extremely happy. I’m also continuing my therapy very soon which is absolutely awesome. I’ll be out of the dark room sooner than I know! My goal for this month is to keep this positive mindset and keep moving forward. That’s basically it, I don’t think I have anything left to say at the moment. I’ll definitely write more in the future, I’ll try at least once a week. We’ll see, no worries, no pressure. My dear people, I wish you a good time and a healthier life. Work hard on yourself, achieve what you want to achieve and stay humble. And to all the hardships, heartbreaks and disappointments, it’s time to say goodbye. We’re all leaving you behind.

We got this.

Love, Albesa

The surprises that life brings

[7:46 PM /  Saturday / May 19, 2018]

It’s been over a month since I’ve last written anything. It’s so strange that you feel like nothing is really happening but when you look back, you have so many things to write about and that’s exactly why, all of a sudden, I feel the urge to express myself and mention everything that happened. I want to start by saying that it’s true when people say ‘your life can be so different a month from now’. It sounds like a cliche and quite unbelievable but here I am, a living example that life can change and that patience does pay off. About a month ago, I was laying in bed, probably swearing out of madness caused by the pain I was feeling in my leg. I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t sleep and I couldn’t stop being bitter about life. Basically, I wasn’t in a good place, neither physically or mentally. It was around 4 PM when my sister woke me up telling me she had a job for me. I woke up and asked her ‘how dare you wake me up’ and she told she would never wake me up if it wasn’t important. And she wasn’t lying. She got offered a job which she couldn’t accept being a fulltime student so she asked me if I wanted to try. The chance was too good and knowing that I had to make changes in my life, I decided to try. I was scared and overwhelmed but I made it. I applied for the job, wrote a motivational letter and a week later, got invited for a job interview. I couldn’t believe that something good was happening. I went there, did the interview and left the company feeling like I did good but still could have done much better. I had zero expectations because I’m quite young (the youngest people who work there are college educated people in their late 20s) and even though I speak many languages, which is the most important part of the job, I didn’t want to have my hopes high and then end up disappointed. About 2 weeks had gone by when I got an email saying I got the job. I wasn’t at home by that time, my sister told me about it. I couldn’t believe, I thought she was joking. I left the company feeling like I could have done much better so the fact that I got the job was insane. Here I am a month later, writing this as an employed person who’s been busy trying to get used to the new routine. I wake up at 6:15 AM and get home and 6:15 PM. I don’t have a lot of free time so the first thing that I noticed is that time is so precious. I go to sleep at 10:30 so I try to be as productive as possible in those 4 hours. I even forget to check my phone, which I thought I was addicted to. Basically, life is much different than it used to be. I’m not running from my social anxiety anymore, I’m dealing with it on a daily basis and even though it’s hard, I see that I’m not dying like I thought I would. I don’t hear my family dramas that often anymore (which is so so so good!!!). I fixed my sleeping problems and I appreciate my time more than ever which is why I don’t deal with childish situations anymore. I’m becoming more responsible and more independent. No one has my back at work so I have to have it. The people around me are kind and nice but my anxiety doesn’t let me relax. I don’t really know how to talk to them first so I may seem self-centered or something similar. Even if they talk to me first, I feel like I sound stupid so I often don’t continue the conversation. I spend my lunch break reading books while everyone’s having lunch in the kitchen. I spent almost five years isolated, spending time only with people that I’ve known my entire life so now that I’m surrounded by a group of complete strangers, I hope I learn how to be around people without feeling like I’m gonna pass out. All in all, life is so much different than it used to be just a month ago. It’s hard but I’m extremely happy. I’m all about making changes because I know that good things happen and the work that we put in pays off. I know staying patient pays off. Majority of the people around me are super supportive and I’m so thankful for that. As a person who is extremely emotional, every single drop of support is welcome and it means so much to me. I want to continue creating myself, become a confident person and believe in myself and my abilities. I want to learn as many things as possible and then help others find their light in all the darkness they might have felt over the years. That’s basically it. There is more stuff that I would write about but I prefer to end this story with positive vibes. Keep going, keep trying and stay patient. Hardships are not forever and choosing to believe that you can change your life is the first step you must take in order to become a happier and healthier version of yourself. Never stop hoping. I root for every single one of you. 

We got this.

Love, Albesa 

It’s all good (ups and downs)

[6:30 PM / Friday / March 16 2018]

To be completely honest, I lose my inspiration quite often, especially when I feel down  for more than three days in a row. There is a lot of inspiration in the pain some of us experience but sometimes I just don’t want to write about it. Sometimes I just don’t want to give it so much attention. Then again, I love that I feel much better when I express my feelings through my stories, without having to talk to anyone or without having to worry if I’ve been understood or not. Emotions are worth writing about, good or bad, especially when you’re not really good at expresing them verbally, like me. It’s fine though. I don’t really have much to say, I had some really bad days, I had some better days but all in all it’s good that I always find a way to deal with everything. I’ve been doing more of what I love, which I had left behind completely. I feel much better because of it and I hope I continue like this. My advice for people who are struggling mentally is to spend time doing what you love. If you don’t have a problem with concentrating, read a book, little by little and then write whatever you remember about it. It’s good for your brain and for your mind. If a book doesn’t work, watch movies or tv-series, the ones that seem like you can learn something from. My leg has been hurt for the past five months and I can’t walk properly right now. I’m forced to stay at home which made me feel very miserable because I usually go for a walk every time I feel low. I go out and take some photographs of whatever catches my eye. I can’t do that right now so I took my camera and started taking photos of random things in my house. There are a lot of things I never paid attention to before and I never realized that until now. It helped a lot because it made me feel like I actually did something in my day, besides overthinking and making myself feel even worse. I also watched a lot of turkish movies which I’m completely impressed by. I also read 30 pages of a really good book the other day. I managed to focus and remember quite a lot from those 30 pages which made me extremely happy because it means that I’ve made some progress considering the fact that I couldn’t focus a few months ago when I had to study for my college exams which is partially why I was obligated to drop out and work on my mental health. I told myself I was gonna try to read more often from now on even if it doesn’t turn out the way I expect it to. What else should I mention? Oh yes, I cooked today. For the first time in a week which is unlike me. I usually cook every day but feeling low I had zero wish for none of these things until I told myself I had to stop spending my time like this. I made myself realize that I wasn’t gonna feel better by laying in bed and keeping my mind nowhere but where it’s not supposed to be. My dear people, try to get up and do something. Something small, just so you have something good to remember about today’s day. Step by step, day by day. Life is good when we manage to focus on the right things. Pain is not forever. Your wish to die is not forever. Stay alive and give yourself a chance to experience the joy of life, the joy of having your life together. Your past is not gonna be your future if you don’t let it be. Remember that life is gonna keep being the same as long as we keep doing the same things over and over again. What didn’t work once or twice is not gonna work the third time so start changing the smallest things in your routine. It’s gonna have a very positive effect on your life. Sleep enough and don’t stay up late. Eat food that is good for you so it doesn’t affect your energy and self-confidence. It’s gonna be fine, just keep going and keep fighting.

We got this.

Love, Albesa

A result of a sleepless night 2

[2:30 AM / Saturday / February 25 2018]

I feel like I’ve been thrown to the wolves. I feel like I’m dying as time is passing by. I feel my spirit getting exhausted from all the heavy weight it has to deal with. I feel my heart pounding like crazy because I’m stuck in this unknown zone. I call it ‘unknown zone’ because at this point, I know nothing about my life. Absolutely nothing. I don’t know where I’m going and where I’m gonna end up. I have better days but I’m not getting better. I have faith in the good but I’m so afraid of the bad. I’m terrified. I try so hard to keep myself busy, I really do. I waste my time effortlessly scrolling through the nonsense on the Internet just so I don’t have to think about my misery. This is not me. I see myself in the mirror but this is not me. I’ve never been a person who gives up easily. I’ve never been a person who likes to sit at home and do nothing productive all day. I used to be obsessed with the things that fulfill me. Walking around with my camera used to be a routine of mine. I used to see beauty everywhere, even in the things I saw every day. It didn’t matter, they were never boring. I used to go for a walk everytime I felt myself getting hit by my anxiety and it helped me a lot. I still do that but not as often and as much as I need it. I find myself looking for stupid excuses for not doing something that could help me. ‘It’s cold outside.’ ‘I’m tired, I haven’t slept in 30 hours.’ ‘I’m gonna do something productive at home.’ Who am I lying to? Who am I trying to fool? I know I’m not doing my best, I’m really not. It’s not an excuse but I know why. I get discouraged so easily. And since it’s so easy, it happens a hundred times a day. And that’s a really bad thing. Things that happen on a daily basis, even the smallest ones, they break my heart and they take my willingness away. I’m constantly reminded of things I want to forget. I want to forget so many things, yet I feel them spreading poison inside my body. It’s not my fault. A lot of things happened over the last four and a half years and I lost myself trying to find a way to deal with them. I haven’t found a way to deal with my emotions other than sitting at home feeling completely heartbroken. I have not used my tragedies as motivation like a lot of people do. I didn’t know how to live with them so I, unintentionally, let them dictate my life. It brought me nowhere but these curvy roads of doubt, fear and disappointment. I see it now. I see that I should have thought more about myself and less about everybody else. I see that I shouldn’t have thought that I could protect everyone. I shouldn’t have thought that I can force myself to forgive people for letting me down so badly. I should have said it a long time ago, that I’m hurt and disappointed, but I haven’t because I didn’t want to make them feel bad about their actions. Does keeping my mouth shut means I’m supporting their actions that have hurt me? Does that mean that I’m as guilty as them? My dear people, I have said it before but I’m gonna say it again. I have learned so much about myself and other people while being at my lowest. People are not gonna treat you right just because you treat them right. Such a thing has become rare a long time ago. Don’t expect people to care about you the way you care about them. People are afraid of letting other people into their life and the best way to prevent that is acting cold. You’re gonna meet those kind of people and I can guarantee you, that’s the case in most of the times. People get hurt and traumatized. They develop many fears such as meeting new people and getting let down once again. Fear of getting more personal with someone because they might use it for wrong purpose. Trust issues, self-doubt, pesimism and many other serious disorders ocurr. I must make myself act deaf and blind sometimes. I must do that so that I don’t see things that break my heart. I only want to feel alive from now on because I’ve been feeling dead for a long time now and I don’t accept that version of me. I hate it. Hate doesn’t have a place in my heart, never has, never will. I want my heart to pound like crazy, but from happiness and positive excitement, not from anxiety and depression. I want to beat this dark and toxic version of myself so that, one day, I can help others do the same thing. I want to prove myself that life can be beautiful even after being broken. I want to be an example to people who suffer like me. I want to give them hope and support to become healthy and happy again. I’m gonna put in work in myself and then work on getting the possibility to help others. I’m gonna achieve everything that I dream of and non of this darkness will ever stop me. It might make my heart break, but my spirit, never. 

Sending light, positivity and support to everyone who needs it. 

We got this.

Love, Albesa

Late night emotions, thoughts and imagination

[1:00 AM / Thursday / February 15 2018]

Sometimes it gets extra hard. Sometimes you feel like you can’t deal with anything anymore. The moment you start feeling like your chest is burning in a fire with no mercy; write, cry, scream, do whatever, just let it out. Let that painful monster get out of your chest so you can sleep peacefully, even just for an hour or two. Sometimes I don’t even know who I am anymore, I don’t know if I know anyone I’m surrounded by, I don’t know anything. Sometimes I believe that I’m strong enough to challenge myself and see how I’m gonna survive and sometimes I just want to stay in this dark room forever. Actually, it’s not that I want to do that, it’s just what I know and what I’m apparently good at, considering the fact that I’ve spent here almost five years. My heart is broken, my mind is confused and my body doesn’t feel any better either. Every little thing hurts. Every single one. There’s so much damage in me. Is it my fault? Am I responsible for this? Will I feel better if I blame someone else for my pain? Will I ever go out and feel alive like I used to? Will I ever go out and not feel like I’m gonna have a heart attack? There are many questions but zero answers. Why am I even looking for answers? They won’t heal my broken heart anyway, they won’t make me forget about my dissapointments. You know, I talk to people and I laugh with them and I think about how happy I seem to be. I come home and I wonder; do people ever suspect that I’m not doing well? Not that it matters, it’s just something I think about sometimes. People are such good actors. People choose to get burned in their own fire of feelings rather than openly saying how they really feel. The fear of saying it out loud is incredibly strong because our expectations don’t always match the reality. The fear of not knowing what’s gonna happen next is terrifying and that’s why we accept this painful zone rather than all the hard work required for getting out it, which to a lot of people, often feels impossible. It’s not impossible, it’s really not. The walls we build around us are our biggest enemies, they’re not our protectors as we think they are. Those walls are stopping us from doing what we want to do. We have plans, we have ideas and visions when we close our eyes but once we open them, everything is gone. Why? Why do we choose to just stare at these walls instead of smashing them somehow? Why don’t we get along and help each other more? Why do we get laughed at for every little thing, even for having feelings? Sometimes I look at the world and all I see is a blank canvas. It’s sad because the world is super diverse you know, there are so many things to see, so many people to meet, so many songs to listen to yet non of that is done. What does the world want? What do I want from myself? Will I ever stop thinking about the world which I can’t control? Will I ever find peace and get out of the dark room? I’m afraid of not being able to hope anymore. I’m afraid of not being able to make my dreams my reality. I’m afraid of not being able to smash the walls I have built over the years thinking that they’re gonna protect me. We can’t hide. We can’t run away from life and what happens in it on a daily basis. The goal is to learn to control our emotions and live normally with them inside of us. The goal is to find peace and believe that you can have a nice life after all the pain you have experienced. Write, cry, scream, ask for help, do whatever it takes but never let yourself think that the walls you built are your forever. Your forever is so much brighter than the dark room with no windows. Your forever is what you see when you close your eyes and no matter how awful you might feel at the moment, you’re still gonna find a way to smash every wall that’s infront of you stopping you from walking away from all the misery. These walls are not you, this misery is not you, this pain is not you. You are what you love and what you accept. Do you accept this? Close your eyes and look at your happy self in your imagination. It feels good, right? Does it remind you of how strong you actually are? Keep your eyes closed and keep looking at your happy self while you passionately smash those walls and create a window which is gonna bring you light. Use that window as an exit from that dark room. Create a stage out of those bricks of pain and get up there. Take a bow, walk away, chase your dreams and live.

Open your eyes and do that. 

Love, Albesa

You, your enviroment and making changes

[6:00 PM / Wednesday / January 17 2018]

We’re surrounded by so many people, so many things, so many options that we get lost trying to pick the best of everything. What is the best according to you? People surround themselves with so many other people. While trying to be in good terms with everyone, there’s a possibility you’ll end up having zero people you can call when you need someone to talk to. I’ve said this so many times but please be aware that no matter how nice you are, not everyone will like you. Be aware of the fact that you’ll never be able to please everyone. Write down people’s names and circle the ones who you can be truly honest with. Those are the ones who are worth it. Make sure you stay close only to those people who make you feel good. Make sure the people you’re surrounded by meet your standards of being a good friend. So, the best option according to me is to be friends with people who are there for you as much as you are there for them. Keep your circle small and appreciate the ones who never let you down. Make sure they know you’re thankful for them and that they can count on you anytime. If someone does something that damages your well-being, you have every right to distance yourself from them. Mental health and stability are priceless and no one has the right to take a piece of it from you. When it comes to money and material things, I try to save as much as possible and not spend my money on things I don’t need. For example: even though I don’t own a crazy lot of clothes, I still want to spend less money on it because I know I don’t need it as much as I buy it. I bought a lot of clothes in the past that ended up being worn only once or twice which is an unnecessary waste. I want to learn to manage my money better and not buy something just because I like it for a day or two. I’m teaching myself financial responsibility that way. I know I won’t always be able to afford something I will like and I don’t want to let that cause me negative emotions. I’m happy that I’m able to let it go and say ”It’s fine, I don’t need it anyway.” This proves that I don’t find satisfaction in material things more than I should which is a good sign. I’m learning every day. I’ve been appreciating time more than ever before because I spent so much of it not making any changes. I want to make a change every day now. A change that will help me feel better, live better and be a better person. It’s such a shame that we don’t see our possibilities and everything we’re capable of doing. It’s such a shame that we let our mindset us limits that in reality don’t even exist. It’s such a shame that we start to think we are what other people think of us. You’re doing good even when you think you’re wasting your time, you’re not to fat for that t-shirt, you’re not being lame when you’re being yourself. You’re so much more than your doubts. You’re so much more than an opinion of someone who doesn’t like you. People fail at different things many times but the key to success is not giving up. Fail, stand up, try again. Every failure is a lesson. Don’t judge yourself based on your past mistakes. Accept everything that happened and move on. The thing is that we change so much every day that we don’t even realize. We come to the point where we say ,,I’m not even that person anymore”, and it’s so true. You’re not your mistakes and everything you could have done better. I haven’t done big mistakes that haunt me but I do have some things I wish I could have done better. It’s fine I say. I can’t do anything about it, I can’t go back and change anything. What happened, happened. The point of your mistakes is to teach you things you’re not gonna do next time you find yourself in a simmilar situation. Pick the good things such as patience, tolerance, optimism out of everything bad. Those things are priceless. They can’t be given, they can’t be bought. They can only be found within you if you want to. If you can change something, do it. If you can’t, accept it and move on with your life. There are many things waiting for you to open your eyes while you’re sleeping and dreaming about changing something that can’t be changed.

I hope all of this makes some sense. Take care of yourself and the enviroment you’re in. We got this, my dear people. 

Love, Albesa

Who are you?

[2:24 AM / Friday / January 12 2018]

I’m not sure how this story is gonna turn out. I’m full of thoughts that I don’t know how to turn into words. I’ll try my best. Anyway, let’s start. I’m in that place in my life where all I want to do is work on myself and improve my life as much as possible. I’m in that place in my life where I no longer have space for negative energy, self-doubt and other ugly things that have dragged me down over the last four years. I don’t want to be on that same path anymore. I’m determined to grow as a person and learn about myself and the world as much as I possibly can. I’m working very hard on achieving stability, peace, harmony and confidence. I’m very happy about the fact that I’m so down for personal development and I’m even happier that I want to become the best version of myself for myself and not for someone else. It’s so imporant to work on accepting yourself the way you are and not feel pressured to be what other people expect you to be. I’ve been judged for my weight, my acne, my ears, my eyebrows and more. I have heard people commenting on my voice and the sound of my laughter which is honestly kind of crazy. Over the years, I became very self-conscious about everything written above. I started starving myself so I can be skinny as I was expected to be. I started to speak a little softer so that my voice wouldn’t sound raspy. I couldn’t recognize myself anymore. Everything I thought about was the fact that ‘I wasn’t enough’. Everyone around me seemed to be so much better than me. I spent so much time having ugly and poisonous thoughts in my mind and then I asked myself: Who are you?I had no answers to that question. All I knew about myself was that I was unhappy. I had to make some changes as soon as possible. I became so self-conscious and so anxious about everything. I couldn’t leave the house without having anxiety attacks. I isolated myself and so many things changed. I started to spend time with myself and the things I love doing. I occupied myself with my own little world. I didn’t feel the need to impress anyone in my own little world, that’s why it felt so good and peaceful. My little world accepted me the way I was, which I hadn’t had felt in a long time. Little by little, my mindset started to change. My voice is raspy and I accept it. My acne isn’t that bad at all. My ear is really not ugly. This is what my world told me and guess what? I started to bring my own little world with me everywhere I went. It feels strange because I’m still struggling but I’m working on it. I want to get rid of self-doubt completely. I want to be able to talk to people without having to worry about what they’re gonna think of me. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. It’s a work in progress. What I’ve noticed about myself is that I’ve come to the point where I feel like I know the person that I am. The girl I see in the mirror is not going to look back anymore because looking back makes her feel the same old pain over and over again. The girl I see in the mirror wants to move on and let go everything that’s been dragging her down. The girl I see in the mirror wants to live life peacefully, surrounded by people who appreciate her the way she appreciates them. I believe in improving myself and I want to do that every single day. Every single day is a new chance for learning something new about yourself and the world. Make the most out of your days. Appreciate your time. Work so hard on yourself until you’re no longer worried about the sound of your voice or the acne on your face. Work so hard on yourself until you no longer think that whatever you say sounds lame. Work so hard on yourself until you no longer feel the need to switch between three other versions of yourself depending on who you’re surrounded with. Work hard on yourself even after you’ve achieved what you wanted to achieve. You can never be too good or too smart or too nice. Be humble, be greatful, be nice to people, be nice to yourself. I hope all of you, my dear people,  including myself, make the most out of your life. I hope we all get to see that there’s so much more than pain, disappointments, doubt and sleepless nights. 

I ask myself; ‘Who are you?’ And guess what? I can’t choose between so many words I could say. Progress is precious.

Love, Albesa

Good things about bad things

[10:45 PM / Sunday / December 10 2017]

Writing has always had a therapeutic effect on me. Wherever/whenever I’m down, I find myself reaching for my notebook and writing it all out. Maybe my notebook can handle my feelings better than someone who loves me and doesn’t want me to feel like this. It’s always hard to tell someone I’m not there yet, or that my well-being is still shaky  and unstable. I feel like they don’t ask me about it as much thinking I will be better the next time they ask me about it, and hearing I’m still not there must be as hard for them as it’s for me while saying that. I hate when people worry about me; in one hand I’m thankful that someone cares about me the way I care about them but in the other hand, I know everyone is  already struggling with something and hearing about my struggles and battles while dealing with their own is never pleasing. I know I feel so helpless when that same thing happens to me. I realized a long time ago that there are no words that can describe some feelings. There are no words that can give someone a perception of my feelings, or maybe I just haven’t found them yet. By the way people react to my words, I can tell they don’t understand how I feel which is completely fine. I’ve written it before and I’m writing it again; people don’t really understand something they haven’t experienced by themselves. I don’t know if it has to do with capabilty or something else, it doesn’t even matter at this point. I kind of lost my point in this story but I think you’ll get what I’m trying to say. I’m truly thankful for the people who take the time to check on me every now and then, not because I remind them of struggles all the time but because they remember it themselves. Knowing that someone listents to you is a nice feeling whether they understand what you’re saying or not. Just taking the time to ask me how I’m doing is more than enough. My younger sister often tells me; ”you always know what to say, you’re the only person I can talk to like this”, I don’t feel like I always know what to say but regardless, I’m so happy my words can help someone even just a little bit. I’m happy I’ve learned so much from struggling and that the things I’ve learned can help someone else find their path. I’m also happy that I manage to find something good in all of these bad things I often feel. It’s been almost a year of me writing about my life like this. It has helped me so much in so many ways. It has helped me with my sleep which is very bad, my peace that I definitely need, and mostly my words and expression. I don’t know where I would be right know if I had to keep for myself everything I let out on here. This blog comes the closest to what’s on my mind, my heart and soul. I can’t believe how much it helped me in keeping myself together. The best part about it; I opened up about everything and nothing bad happened which is often not the case while opening up to people. By nothing bad I mean it never made anyone stressed, worried or disappointed which is a possibility when someone is listening to me in person. To everyone who listens to me; please don’t worry about me. I will make it to so many more sunshines as long as I’m willing to try again everytime there’s a storm inside of me. I will keep trying until there’s a big colorful rainbow around my heart.

Please be aware of the fact that whatever you’re going through is making you learn and grow. Try taking your battles as lessons that are teaching you a lot of good things such as patience, self-growth, tolerance, being more open-minded and being more mature than you ever thought you could be. Those qualities are very important for your future self and they are also very rare. Once you get there, you’ll look back and say; ”It was painful as hell, but I’m stronger than ever now. Thanks to everything I had to face, I became my own champion.”

Love, Albesa

Romantic relationships mixed with personal issues

”You’re 20 years old and you’ve never had a boyfriend?!”; that’s how people usually react when I tell them I’ve never been in a relationship. I know most people my age have had plenty of relationships but that’s basically it. They had them but they don’t have them anymore. Big congratulations to those who made it, I’m very happy for them. Being young and wanting to fit in makes us do things we usually wouldn’t do and I think the same thing happens with having a boyfriend/girlfriend. A lot of young people (not only young people though) just want to have fun, experience different things they’ve never experienced before and just feel some kind of thrill I guess. Being raised in a conservative family, which I believe has had quite a big impact on me and my behavior, I’ve never felt the need to experiment with boys, girls, relationships and stuff like that. I’ve always known that by being in a relationship where there is no love, I would only disappoint myself by doing something I never thought was the right thing to do. I’m happy that I’ve always been aware of the fact that relationships established without love, trust, respect and equality are gonna end soon or later. Knowing that, saved me from hurting myself and someone else. I don’t think it’s fine to use someone else’s feelings for your own entertainment. Relationships are complicated and stressful when there’s no general connection between two people. I haven’t experienced it myself but I’ve seen so many people getting hurt because there was no communication and no connection in the relationship they were in. In my opinion, two people who are in a relationship must be comfortable with each other, be best friends with each other and feel the freedom to say how they feel or think. Breakups happen when people jump in it for the wrong reasons which are often these ones: loneliness, boredom, insecurities, pressure to do it because everyone else is doing it or pressure because they’re ”running out of time’… Some of those things are the things that an individual has to work on by themselves. Those are not the things that another person can make better for you. If you know you’re not in a really good place in your life, take the time to find something that’s not gonna make you feel bored when you’re alone. Take the time to work on what makes you insecure about yourself, take the time to learn how to be your own best friend when none else is around. It’s not easy but it’s definitely easier than expecting those things from someone else. None is gonna walk into your life and solve your personal issues. The other person probably has their own issues to deal with. When you feel complete with your own self, that’s when you know you can connect with someone else. The only time you’ll be yourself is when you’ve accepted yourself the way you are and you embrace yourself no matter what other people might think about you. So basically, before you rush into a relationship because you feel some kind of pressure, make sure you know that the consequences of your choices can lead to heartbreak, pain, disappointment, trust issues, and many other problems. Having personal issues, I don’t think you need even more issues to deal with. Be smart, there’s enough time for everything. Love will happen to you sooner or later, but I think it won’t happen until you’ve given love to yourself first.

Love, Albesa

Wishing, hoping and fighting

I don’t ever want my rivers to stop flowing. I don’t ever want them to be lifeless. I want them to be as loud as a child screaming or as the alarm you set five times to make sure you wake up in time. I want my world to be a happy place, not a place where my pain sleeps. I have many wishes. All of them are related to peace, happiness, stability and health. That’s all I really want. Sometimes my wishes feel like something I’ll never have, something that is absolutely impossible. Sometimes my wishes feel like the wind that I can’t see but I can feel. I can’t see my wishes because I haven’t achieved them yet but I can feel them coming way. It’s strange and I don’t know if I’m making any sense. Everything feels strange today, every breath, every thought, every glass of water that I drink. Nothing that I write describes exactly how I feel. I’d say I feel like a mountain crashing down or like a volkano erupting, something like that. This journey is long and painful and I no longer feel the energy I used to feel. I no longer feel like I can keep up with my pain. Maybe it’s not about if I can or if I can’t, maybe it’s about the fact that I don’t want to. I don’t want to live in pain. I want to wake up not feeling the heavy weight on my chest. Who did this to me? Who is responsible for this? Could I have handled things better in the past? Was this really something I had to experience? There are so many questions in my head and honestly, I don’t even know why I’m looking for answers because I know I won’t find them. These questions won’t really solve anything so I better let them go, I better let them sleep somewhere in the back of my mind. I’m hopeful for the future. I’m hoping that someday soon, I’ll wake up in peace. I’m hoping that someday soon, my world will be a happy place like I want it to be. I’m hoping that someday soon, my days won’t be empty like today. I’m hoping while I’m fighting. I haven’t felt energetic in a long time but I know it’s somewhere inside of me. And I know it will come out when I’ll need it the most. Maybe it’s coming out every day but in small doses so that it can surprise me when I think there is non of it left. Let’s hope it’s that. My dear people, I hope I’ll have a story titled ‘I’m happy’ soon. Until then, try finding something good about my pain. For example, that it taught me patience and tolerance. Or the fact that I’m still here fighting for those good days. I’m not planning on giving up, that’s not one of my options. I hope it’s not yours either. 

Love, Albesa

Beauty?

What is beautiful? Who do you ask if someone/something is beautiful? Are other people the ones who dictate your beauty or do you listen to yourself? I’ve been thinking about this lately and I realized that people are so pressured to listen to others and their beauty standards. Listen to me, my dear people. I’m not an ‘important’ person’, people don’t know me and I’m not people’s role model. The world itself is diverse. There are so many beautiful creatures on earth. Different people, different animals, different plants, different everything. The world has no rules when it comes to beauty. You can’t set beauty standards for people who are completely different from you. Different people like different things, is that really that hard to understand? You set your own standards and that’s it. That’s where you stop. That is your only right. And you know why? Because it’s about you. And as long as it’s about you, it’s fine because you’re the one who decides how you’re gonna live your life. As I said, that’s when you’re done. What other people do, how they dress, how they do their makeup,  how they live their lives is none of my or your business. Who am I to tell someone else how to dress? Who are you to tell someone else how to dress? As diverese people that we are, we can’t expect everyone to like everything. No. That’s simply impossible and that’s why I’m so against beauty standards. Not everyone will like what I like. Not everyone will like the way I dress. But that’s fine. I’m fine with that as long as there is respect. I’m not asking anyone to like what I do and neither should you. The only person that should like how you live your life is you. That’s what matters the most. We should never judge people because of their clothes, makeup, hair color, financial status, race, religion, ethnicity, sex orientation…To cut it short, we should never judge each other. We should never make someone else feel bad because they live their lives the way they want to and not the way others want them to. The world is cruel enough the way it is but it’s still possible to make the world around ourselves a little bit nicer. We can’t change the entire world but we can change our worlds. Make sure the world you live in is full of positivity, happiness and joy. Make sure your world is yours and not someone else’s. Live your life however you want to, make yourself happy by doing things you want to do and don’t listen to people who don’t accept you for who you are. I support diveristy. Diversity is beauty. I support myself and everyone different from me in any aspect. What matters is having a beautiful heart, a beautiful mind and a beautiful soul. The rest of beautifuls is your choice and all I can do about it is respect it. The fear of judgment is prison for souls. Don’t judge people. Don’t make people afraid. Don’t prison others. Work on yourself, work on your happiness and do what you want to do. What others do is not your choice. If it’s not your choice, why bother? 

Love, Albesa

Positive thoughts: it’s time to move on

I’ve gone through all of my posts recently and while reading them one by one, I realized I had so many ups and downs. Some posts are full of motivation and some of them are full of misery. I’m not really surprised because my mental health has been a rollercoaster for a long time now. Sometimes it’s just fine, sometimes it’s energetic and sometimes it’s miserable and dark. I know it’s impossible to predict the future but if I could, I would definitely consider predicting my own. One of the main reasons is because I worry about everything. Things that happened a long time ago, things that are happening right now and things that I don’t even know are gonna happen. I worry about every little thing, it’s hardly controlable. Things just get to me and instantly make me sad which is why I’m not emotionally stable yet. I’ve been wondering why does it happen to me and when did it start. I do have an idea that partly explains it but I’m not sure. My world used to be a happy place, a very happy place. Out of all the ‘friends’ I ever had, I must say that I was the one who was always laughing, telling bad jokes that somehow ended up being funny and just carefree. That was my world. When I faced real struggles like eating disorders, family problems that were not money related, my world crashed down, I got lost and all of a sudden, I had a lot of things to worry about. I became anxious, depressed, lost my ‘friends’ and stopped being the outgoing and happy-all-the-time person. It’s fine though. I want to share with you, my dear people, that I’m learning every single day. Learning about peace, about harmony, about growth and so many other things that are good for me. I’ve always been an optimist and that’s one of the things that have never changed. I did lose hope, I did lose motivation but deep down I always knew it would get better which is, I guess, what kept me going on. From now on, I want to write about progress, happines, future plans… I don’t want to write about things that happened it the past anymore. I know I’m still gonna mention some things because they are a big part of my life but I feel like it’s time for me to move forward and not pay so much attention to things I can’t change. I don’t want to worry about it anymore, I want to accept the things that happened, I want to accept my mistakes, other peoples mistakes and move on. I want to get my happy world back but in a much wiser and mature version. That’s my goal. I’m happy that I’m motivated for progress. I’m happy that I’m not doubting myself getting better. I’m more than ever ready to dedicate all of my time and energy to my health and growth. The time I spent crying because of my depression taught me incredible patience but now it’s time to give my all to getting out of the darkness that I got lost in a few years ago. It’s time for some light that humans tend to leave turned off after the bulb breaks. You can carefully replace the broken bulb and then turn on the light again. You can take your broken pieces and make something amazing out of it. My dear people, with a lot of love and a lot of hope, I am saying it again- one step at a time, we got this!

Love, Albesa

It’s up to you

I’m aware that literally everything that I write is somehow related to depression. It’s imporant for me to mention that depression and anxiety have changed me a lot in so many ways and even though I’ve suffered a lot I know I’ve learned a lot as well which I’ve written before. While being at my lowest and while not knowing what to do to help myself feel better, I got lost in trying to get better by talking to other people instead of talking to myself. Only now when I started my recovery do I realize that it was always up to me and that I’ve always been the only person who could change my life for the better because it was me who had to make life-changing decisions. I’m very thankful for every single invidiual who talked to me while I was down. I’m very thankful for every single individual who wanted to help me. Now that I’ve made some big changes in my life such as leaving college in order to get better, I realize how imporant it is to listen to yourself and your needs. I thought I could make it at college while feeling low but it didn’t work. It pushed me backward more than I could push it forward. I never thought I could make a decision like that because leaving school was unacceptable for my parents who didn’t even know about my depression until two weeks ago when I told them about it in the middle of the night. It does feel awful to see their faces while telling them so many sad things but I had to do it sooner or later. I opened up to my mom and dad who I never thought could understand my problems. I’m sure they don’t understand it but at least I have their support to start my regular therapy which I had to do a long time ago. I’m sorry that college didn’t work but I know exactly why it happened. It’s fine, I’ll try again when I’m ready. I’m happy because I finally helped myself. Now that I helped myself, I realize that I can’t help someone else. I can support their journey but I can’t help them in a way a person can help themselves. I can’t help someone else by making decisions for them just like none could do that for me. I know a lot of us have bad habits that are hard to leave behind, a lot of things we think we’ll never get over but we will have to. Life will keep being the same as long as we keep doing the same things over and over again. It’s not enough to just hope for the better. It’s not enough to just wish for the better. The thing that is enough is fighting for it while hoping and wishing. Things can’t get better by themselves because you’re the one who controls them. You control if you’re gonna let something go or stick to it even though you know it’s not good for you. If you want to change your life, you can. I never thought this day would come but my dear people, based on my personal experience, I’m more than ever sure that action is the only way to success, not matter what it is. I can talk to you day and night, I can give you whatever you want but unless you do that for yourself, it’s not gonna work. If you know something is not good for you, don’t force it. Whatever it is, don’t force it. Rather it’s friendship, relationship, college, work or whatever, if you tried and pushed it and it didn’t work, you know it’s time to leave. Don’t expect life to change by itself. It’s your life and it’s a reflection of your actions and decisions. If you don’t like that reflection, just know that you can always change it for the better, any day, any time. It’s up to you, only you. 

Love, Albesa

I’m not where I want to be, I haven’t achieved what I want to achieve but I’ve made decisions that will improve my life. It gets better. One step at a time. If you’re struggling like me, be patient and positive, we got this.

Explaining yourself and getting over it

I wish my pain could go away as fast as these cars that are effortlessly passing by. I wish my pain could go away as fast as the colors of the traffic lights. I wish my feelings were like a glass of water, but a glass of feelings instead, so I could break it, get rid of it and forget it ever existed. I wish, I wish… It’s a cold rainy day but it’s beautiful. It feels good to go outside, breathe some fresh air and let your thoughts go wherever they need to. No wonder it’s so peaceful, it’s almost 2AM and I’m outside walking around getting my inspiration from this much needed peace. It’s been rough lately so being on my own and writing about it when there’s none around does nothing but good to me. The wind feels like a friend to me, it feels something like a friend’s hand touching your back while they are hugging you. Is that strange? Maybe. Today I realized what I’ve learned from being depressed and here are a couple of things that I wanted to share with you my dear people. First of all and one of the most important things to keep in mind is this one; don’t expect people to understand you or your depression. I realized a long time ago that people usually have a hard time understanding something they haven’t experienced themselves. The second thing that I must mention is this one; while going through the worst time of your life, you’re gonna explain yourself so many times, you’re gonna get exhausted so many times and the worst thing about it is that you’re not gonna gain anything from it. Absolutely anything. There will be times when you’ll be called ‘lazy’ or ‘party-breaker’ and honestly, you’re just gonna have to get over it because there’s nothing much you can do about how people ‘portray’ the consequences of your mental state. The third important thing; you’re eventually gonna stop explaining yourself. You’re just gonna stop. Your energy for those kind of things will come to an end. You’re gonna be exhausted and you’re not gonna want to waste the energy that’s left in you on worrying about what people think but on your recovery. I know it sounds weird, but if you’ve experienced this, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about and if you haven’t yet, wait for it, it’s gonna happen sooner or later. The fourth thing; learn to stay patient, keep trying and be aware that better days are coming sooner than you think. We got this.

Love, Albesa

Maybe you can help me (even just a little)

Sometimes it gets very hard. By very hard I mean feeling low to the point where you start questioning the strength that’s left in you. Writing about everything that’s in my heart makes me realize that there are so many things that make me unhappy and it’s just really sad when you keep writing about your emotions and most of them are negative. What do I do, my dear people? At this moment, I’m more lost than I’ve ever been. Here’s a little story. I’ve always wanted to be a good student, achieve something big and make my parents proud. I applied for college, got in and attended classes knowing that  I had mental health issues. You know what happened? It only got worse. I became even more depressed and even more anxious because I couldn’t focus and study. My parents kept asking me how it was going and each time it felt worse than the time before. I had to go to a place where I would be surrounded by hundereds of people and for an anxious person like me, it feels like hell. I knew I wasn’t ready for something that takes so much from a person but I rushed into it hoping I could make it somehow. The results are here. I feel like I have heavy weights on my back that none can take off me. I’m more depressed than ever and more miserable than ever. I’m trying to figure it out somehow, trying to make myself study and pass my exams but my dear people, I hope at least one of you, will be able to understand what’s it like to be a living mess, a person who struggles to calm their heartbeat that goes crazy because of anxiety caused by so many things at once. I don’t know what to do. I’m torn between dropping out of college so I can focus on my mental health and keep living like this so I don’t have to deal with my parents and them being disappointed in me. I’ve never wanted to disappoint anyone, especially not my parents who have given me so many possibilities. I’ve never wanted to make my parents think that I’m ungreatful. I hope I can figure things out somehow because living like this is exhausting and I’m running out of fuel…What would you do?

Love, Albesa

p.s. any advice will be appreciated. 

Memories, struggles and making peace

Thirty days of vacation are over. It’s time to go back to real life which is in my case toxic and full of struggles. It gets better, it’s fine. About my vacation in my homecountry Kosovo, all I have to say is that there have been moments I’ll never forget. From basic walks around the village to amazing concerts full of positive energy. Lifetime memores have been made, I’m happy. There have also been moments when I couldn’t help myself with my sadness, not that something extremely sad happened there, it’s just the fact that no matter where you go, your struggles will follow you, that’s exactly what happened to me. I went to Kosovo to relax and give my mind a break away from my everday life in Croatia but I don’t feel like I got any of that. I must admit that I got tired trying to escape from everything. As I said before, wherever you go, your feelings will come along and that’s the worst thing ever because you hope, that somewhere away where things are different from what you see every day, you will feel better and hopeful. You do feel better but it doesn’t last. Your mind gets ”fooled” by the things you don’t see every day but once it becomes natural, you’re back to your everyday state. Maybe it’s just me. Anyway, now that my vacation is over, it’s time to face the struggles and make peace with them somehow. I hope the things that make me happy bring me strength and energy to keep going until it gets better. I believe in progress in every single aspect. Nothing can ever limit us more than our own mind. What we need to do is believe in whatever we want to achieve, whether it’s overcoming depression or getting two college degrees at once. The power of our beliefs is so much more powerful than our doubts, once you believe you can achieve something you want, you’ll feel unstoppable. I haven’t experienced that feeling yet but I’ve talked to some amazingly inspiring people who truly made me believe that a positive mindset is the key that opens every door. Those kind of people are the only ones you need in your life. Keep your circle small, work hard, stay lowkey, be nice, be careful and stay humble. The rest will come, sooner or later. 

All my love, Albesa

Explaining myself

There’s this one song called ‘Perfect’ by a band called Sum 41 which is hands down one of my favorite songs ever. I feel like I’m so under pressure to be good and kind all the time that I almost made myself believe that I’m too careful for making mistakes, even the smallest ones. I know, it’s ridiculous, but I think I really almost made myself believe that I’m not gonna make mistakes anymore. What I want to explain to myself is that being kind and good doesn’t prevent making mistakes because they happen spontaneously and you don’t really plan making them. It’s hard to define the word mistake because sometimes what we do makes so much sense in our head that we don’t see anything wrong with it or how someone else could react to it. As a person who is always willing to learn and grow, I’m learning to think about every person involved in my actions and think about if my actions make sense to them at least a little. Of course, not everything we do will make sense to other people, that’s not even neccessary, but if other people are involved in something we’re doing, we might as well make sure they don’t get hurt or something. See, I’m constantly worried if people will understand me or not, if people will know what exactly I want to say or not. I wish I could understand that that’s literally impossible because we understand things based on how we are and what we know, not how others are which explains why we’ll never be able to please everyone. These days I feel tired of trying to make sense to everyone because no matter what I do, there’s always going to be someone who’s not completely fine with it. Knowing that I’ve disappointed people is a very sad fact that really gets to me even though disappointing people I care about was never my intention. It’s not about caring more or less about someone/something, it’s doing what you think it’s the right thing to do even though you know you won’t please everyone with your actions. Sometimes the things you do for something really great don’t make sense but I think they’re hard to understand because they’re personal and personal things are hard to understand unless you’ve experienced something simmilar yourself. My dear people, make your life a lot more easier, quit expecting people to understand you. You understanding yourself is more important.  I’ve been thinking about the point of life in general but no matter how much I think about it, I don’t think I’ll ever know the answer to that question. I guess we should just keep living no matter what. Life is more than sadness and disappointments. They say those things make us stronger, can I believe it?

Love, Albesa

Where have I been?

It’s been such a long time since I last wrote anything. I don’t really know why I didn’t take out my notebook and start writing whatever was on my mind because I know I felt like writing quite a lot while experiencing some of the most terrible emptiness I have ever experienced. I distanced myself from everyone and everything for some reason. I stress a lot and it’s not something I’m proud of but I’m slowly learning to accept the fact that even though things don’t go as planned, it doesn’t mean that they’re gonna go wrong. Nothing we stress about is actually that bad, the power of our imagination is just playing with us and I think it happens because we’re used to allowing it. It’s fine though. At this very moment, I’m sitting in my livingroom in my homecountry Kosovo. I feel hopeful for the first time in such a long time. I almost forgot how it felt which is really sad. I’m happy for now but I’m also afraid. I’m afraid of going back to Croatia where the atmosphere is nothing but toxic. I have mentioned before that I don’t like my life in Croatia and that it has never felt like home to me. It’s so hard to leave Kosovo whenever I’m here because it’s the only place where I’m relaxed and happy. It’s hard to explain it and it sounds crazy but it’s almost like I’m not the same person here in Kosovo and in Croatia where I live. Life is so much different here and there, just hearing people speaking my mother language makes me extremely happy.  This story doesn’t really have a point or something I’m putting my focus on, it’s just a short summary of where I’ve been this past month. I’m happy and enjoying my time here in Kosovo. Where hope is never dead and where smiles never end. That’s exactly what I need.

Until next time,

Love, Albesa

Then and now

There are so many things I wanna say at the moment. There are so many things people I’m surrounded by don’t understand. I got tired trying to explain everything to everyone, I got exhausted. Back in 2013, I was dealing with eating disorders which lead to mental disorders such as anxiety and depression. I didn’t know how to deal with it or what I had to do in order to feel ”normal” again. I thought I could easily turn back to my normal life but waiting for it to get better by itself it only got worse. My sophomore year in highschool was pure darkness. I was completely unstable and my anxiety was at the highest point ever. I went to a private school where I was surrounded by people who were so lost that they thought everyone would like them because of their expensive clothes. I’m saying they were lost because they had no idea what they were doing and neither did I. My ”friends” kept asking me to hang out and no matter how much I tried to explain to them that I wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want to be in public, I failed. I don’t know if it was about me or about them but I failed, I admit it. My ”friends” couldn’t understand me even though I’m sure I made it clear that I was at my lowest point I had ever been. In case you were wondering, no, I’m no longer friends with any of them. I don’t blame anyone for anything, I believe that from their perspective, it looks like I pushed them away and that’s completely fine. I was not the person they had met years ago. They couldn’t find a reason to stay by my side. The person I had become was worried and isolated which is the opposite of the person I had been before. Maybe it was my fault for what happened but sadly, you can’t choose how you feel, I couldn’t fight against myself at the time. It was all a new thing to me, I didn’t know how to live with it. Looking back, I miss the person I used to be and I miss those carefree times we spent together but I would never want to be that person again. I would never want to be so close to people who left me when I needed them the most. I would never want to be friends with people who made me apologize for not feeling well. I don’t label myself anymore. I don’t define myself with words such as ‘a happy person’ or ‘a depressed person’. I don’t believe in that. I’m a lot of things and most of them are still not discovered. I’m here to live and discover my potential in all aspects and so are you. The memories I made will always be a part of me. I wouldn’t change anything because I can understand the person I used to be. What I need to do now is focus on the present, stop explaining my feelings and try to understand the person I am today.

Love, Albesa

Positive thoughts and being thankful

My dear people, I have no clue where this is going. I felt the need to write so here I come. Anyway. I’ve been thinking about my family a lot lately and the things I can do to make it better. My family is already pretty great. It’s big, it’s loud and most importantly, it’s full of love. I remember how it used to be a few years ago. I used to fight with everyone, literally everyone. I know what I was going through but I think that’s not an explanation for my behaviour.  Reading my old journal, I realized that I wasn’t aware of anything, I had no clue what I was doing. What I was going through was rough for me and I think it made me empty and blind. My mom and dad are the best people I’ll ever know. I know every child says that but I really mean that. They are strong, supportive and want me and my sibilings to succeed so bad! I had a conversation with my dad the other day and he told me to study hard so I wouldn’t have to go through what he went through. My grandpa was poor and that’s why my dad couldn’t go to school. I know my dad would have become the best doctor ever if he ever got the chance to get educated. The point of this story is to be thankful and careful. Let’s be honest here, I’m not the best student I could ever be. Things happen, it’s fine. I’m gonna have to study so hard to pass all of my exams. The thing is that I no longer think about how hard it’s gonna be. I think about the happiness and pride I’ll feel once I’m done with that. Now let me tell you a short story.  I used to wake up in the morning feeling down because I would have to use public transport which I really dislike. I dislike it for multiple reasons but mainly because of my anxiety. Can you imagine? I, unfortunately, still suffer from anxiety which does affect my life but as I said before, it helped me realize who I was. Things have changed, nowdays I wake up feeling greatful that I even get to go to school. I try to occupy my mind with positive thoughts to the point where I don’t even think about the one hour public transport ride which actually isn’t that bad at all. The power that is inside of us is so insanely big. I’ve learnt that I can control my mind and my thoughts and that what I can’t control shouldn’t make me so upset. Confronting what you can’t control is the best solution. Look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself: ”What can I do about it?” If you have answers, great for you. Do what you can and make the situation better. If there is nothing you can do about it, confront it and accept it the way it is. I’m proud of my dad and his achievements no matter what. He didn’t have the opportunity to go to school and I can’t do anything about it. What I can do is be greatful for my opportunities and take the chances that I’ve been given. If you want to get inspired, just listen. Listen to your family, your friends or strangers you see in public transport. I don’t fight with my family anymore. I’ve listened and I’ve learnt. I’ve listeneted and I’ve grown. And I still have a lot to learn and even more to grow. 

Love, Albesa

A piece of advice for myself (and you)

I remember elementary school and how important it was for me to have a lot of friends. I don’t know what I was thinking or doing but I remember that I was really worried about if people liked me or not. It’s strange that I wanted validation from people who were doing things that I usually don’t admire but I guess I wasn’t paying attention at the time. Me and my cousin have always been best friends but at the time we thought that we needed more friends. Looking back, I realize that things really do happen for a reason. My cousin is the only person who went through everything with me so it’s not strange that people I used to be ”friends” with have chosen a completely different path. It makes sense that we lost what we had, if we even had anything. What I’m trying to say is that you’re not here to impress other people or get their validation. You’re here to be the best version of yourself, for yourself. I believe we’re all creators of our own destiny so work on what you want for yourself and don’t expect someone else to fight for you. Of course there are gonna be times when you’re gonna need some help and that’s completely fine, but remember that you’re the only person that can do most of what needs to be done. Quit blaming other people for your mistakes. Realize that it’s okay to be wrong but it’s also important to learn to be responsible for your mistakes. Stop looking for people to complete you. This is usually related to romantic relationships but I’m talking about relationships generally. People can’t complete you. Other people can make your life more beautiful but you’re the only person who knows how you truly feel. I see what people do. You feel empty so you start looking for something that will complete you. You look for it in someone else without realizing that you can’t take pieces of someone else and make them yours, can you? My dear people, none is better than you. We’re all unique individuals. Get your broken pieces together and make yourself feel complete again. I know it’s much easier to read this than actually do it but believe me, once you start trying, you never stop. Stay in touch with your emotions, ask yourself what you want to do and do it. Quit waiting for people to push you forward and start doing that yourself. Your potential is different from other people’s potential, we’re all good at different things so why think that everyone’s better than you? You can help yourself more than anyone could ever do it. My dear people, your strength is limitless. You don’t have to wait for people to give you enough time to show them that you can reach the moon or the stars. Open the doors and leave. Leave the ones who hurt you, who never inspire you, leave with a lot of fear but with a lot of excitement as well. Give yourself some time and give yourself a chance to make peace in your life. Do what makes you happy, stay close to people you love, be nice and be greatful.

”In weakness or in strength, change can be amazing” (The Neighbourhood – Honest)

Love, Albesa 

ps: All of the things written above are the things I usually say to myself. 

We got this

Everything feels a little strange. I’ve been pushing myself more than ever and, my dear people, I think it’s working. I’m not sure but I think I’ve noticed some changes in my wellbeing. Of course you can’t get better over night but small steps are progress as well. These small steps mean so much to me because they are proof that I’m not where I used to be. They are proof that I’m trying. I’ve been setting this ‘I can do it’ mindset right after waking up in the morning. It’s like I’m commanding myself to get up and try and I think that’s exactly what has made a change in my wellbeing. There are a lot of things I worry about but I’ve been trying really hard to calm myself down with positive thoughts. It’s super hard and it sometimes feels like I’m lying to myself but I know this is the right thing to do, I know I can’t just sit there and wait for a miracle to save me. I think what we all need to do is to set small goals and work little by little until we achieve them. One step at a time, no pressure, no hurry. Setting goals is important because it’s a step towards a better tomorrow. Big goals come from small ones so work on those first. Be your own priority, take care of yourself, believe in yourself, treat yourself the way you treat others, be careful with your time and energy, make sure you eat, drink and sleep well and be greatful for what you’ve been given. I believe in you and I believe in myself.

We got this.  

Love, Albesa