You, your enviroment and making changes

[6:00 PM / Wednesday / January 17 2018]

We’re surrounded by so many people, so many things, so many options that we get lost trying to pick the best of everything. What is the best according to you? People surround themselves with so many other people. While trying to be in good terms with everyone, there’s a possibility you’ll end up having zero people you can call when you need someone to talk to. I’ve said this so many times but please be aware that no matter how nice you are, not everyone will like you. Be aware of the fact that you’ll never be able to please everyone. Write down people’s names and circle the ones who you can be truly honest with. Those are the ones who are worth it. Make sure you stay close only to those people who make you feel good. Make sure the people you’re surrounded by meet your standards of being a good friend. So, the best option according to me is to be friends with people who are there for you as much as you are there for them. Keep your circle small and appreciate the ones who never let you down. Make sure they know you’re thankful for them and that they can count on you anytime. If someone does something that damages your well-being, you have every right to distance yourself from them. Mental health and stability are priceless and no one has the right to take a piece of it from you. When it comes to money and material things, I try to save as much as possible and not spend my money on things I don’t need. For example: even though I don’t own a crazy lot of clothes, I still want to spend less money on it because I know I don’t need it as much as I buy it. I bought a lot of clothes in the past that ended up being worn only once or twice which is an unnecessary waste. I want to learn to manage my money better and not buy something just because I like it for a day or two. I’m teaching myself financial responsibility that way. I know I won’t always be able to afford something I will like and I don’t want to let that cause me negative emotions. I’m happy that I’m able to let it go and say ”It’s fine, I don’t need it anyway.” This proves that I don’t find satisfaction in material things more than I should which is a good sign. I’m learning every day. I’ve been appreciating time more than ever before because I spent so much of it not making any changes. I want to make a change every day now. A change that will help me feel better, live better and be a better person. It’s such a shame that we don’t see our possibilities and everything we’re capable of doing. It’s such a shame that we let our mindset us limits that in reality don’t even exist. It’s such a shame that we start to think we are what other people think of us. You’re doing good even when you think you’re wasting your time, you’re not to fat for that t-shirt, you’re not being lame when you’re being yourself. You’re so much more than your doubts. You’re so much more than an opinion of someone who doesn’t like you. People fail at different things many times but the key to success is not giving up. Fail, stand up, try again. Every failure is a lesson. Don’t judge yourself based on your past mistakes. Accept everything that happened and move on. The thing is that we change so much every day that we don’t even realize. We come to the point where we say ,,I’m not even that person anymore”, and it’s so true. You’re not your mistakes and everything you could have done better. I haven’t done big mistakes that haunt me but I do have some things I wish I could have done better. It’s fine I say. I can’t do anything about it, I can’t go back and change anything. What happened, happened. The point of your mistakes is to teach you things you’re not gonna do next time you find yourself in a simmilar situation. Pick the good things such as patience, tolerance, optimism out of everything bad. Those things are priceless. They can’t be given, they can’t be bought. They can only be found within you if you want to. If you can change something, do it. If you can’t, accept it and move on with your life. There are many things waiting for you to open your eyes while you’re sleeping and dreaming about changing something that can’t be changed.

I hope all of this makes some sense. Take care of yourself and the enviroment you’re in. We got this, my dear people. 

Love, Albesa

Then and now

There are so many things I wanna say at the moment. There are so many things people I’m surrounded by don’t understand. I got tired trying to explain everything to everyone, I got exhausted. Back in 2013, I was dealing with eating disorders which lead to mental disorders such as anxiety and depression. I didn’t know how to deal with it or what I had to do in order to feel ”normal” again. I thought I could easily turn back to my normal life but waiting for it to get better by itself it only got worse. My sophomore year in highschool was pure darkness. I was completely unstable and my anxiety was at the highest point ever. I went to a private school where I was surrounded by people who were so lost that they thought everyone would like them because of their expensive clothes. I’m saying they were lost because they had no idea what they were doing and neither did I. My ”friends” kept asking me to hang out and no matter how much I tried to explain to them that I wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want to be in public, I failed. I don’t know if it was about me or about them but I failed, I admit it. My ”friends” couldn’t understand me even though I’m sure I made it clear that I was at my lowest point I had ever been. In case you were wondering, no, I’m no longer friends with any of them. I don’t blame anyone for anything, I believe that from their perspective, it looks like I pushed them away and that’s completely fine. I was not the person they had met years ago. They couldn’t find a reason to stay by my side. The person I had become was worried and isolated which is the opposite of the person I had been before. Maybe it was my fault for what happened but sadly, you can’t choose how you feel, I couldn’t fight against myself at the time. It was all a new thing to me, I didn’t know how to live with it. Looking back, I miss the person I used to be and I miss those carefree times we spent together but I would never want to be that person again. I would never want to be so close to people who left me when I needed them the most. I would never want to be friends with people who made me apologize for not feeling well. I don’t label myself anymore. I don’t define myself with words such as ‘a happy person’ or ‘a depressed person’. I don’t believe in that. I’m a lot of things and most of them are still not discovered. I’m here to live and discover my potential in all aspects and so are you. The memories I made will always be a part of me. I wouldn’t change anything because I can understand the person I used to be. What I need to do now is focus on the present, stop explaining my feelings and try to understand the person I am today.

Love, Albesa

Positive thoughts and being thankful

My dear people, I have no clue where this is going. I felt the need to write so here I come. Anyway. I’ve been thinking about my family a lot lately and the things I can do to make it better. My family is already pretty great. It’s big, it’s loud and most importantly, it’s full of love. I remember how it used to be a few years ago. I used to fight with everyone, literally everyone. I know what I was going through but I think that’s not an explanation for my behaviour.  Reading my old journal, I realized that I wasn’t aware of anything, I had no clue what I was doing. What I was going through was rough for me and I think it made me empty and blind. My mom and dad are the best people I’ll ever know. I know every child says that but I really mean that. They are strong, supportive and want me and my sibilings to succeed so bad! I had a conversation with my dad the other day and he told me to study hard so I wouldn’t have to go through what he went through. My grandpa was poor and that’s why my dad couldn’t go to school. I know my dad would have become the best doctor ever if he ever got the chance to get educated. The point of this story is to be thankful and careful. Let’s be honest here, I’m not the best student I could ever be. Things happen, it’s fine. I’m gonna have to study so hard to pass all of my exams. The thing is that I no longer think about how hard it’s gonna be. I think about the happiness and pride I’ll feel once I’m done with that. Now let me tell you a short story.  I used to wake up in the morning feeling down because I would have to use public transport which I really dislike. I dislike it for multiple reasons but mainly because of my anxiety. Can you imagine? I, unfortunately, still suffer from anxiety which does affect my life but as I said before, it helped me realize who I was. Things have changed, nowdays I wake up feeling greatful that I even get to go to school. I try to occupy my mind with positive thoughts to the point where I don’t even think about the one hour public transport ride which actually isn’t that bad at all. The power that is inside of us is so insanely big. I’ve learnt that I can control my mind and my thoughts and that what I can’t control shouldn’t make me so upset. Confronting what you can’t control is the best solution. Look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself: ”What can I do about it?” If you have answers, great for you. Do what you can and make the situation better. If there is nothing you can do about it, confront it and accept it the way it is. I’m proud of my dad and his achievements no matter what. He didn’t have the opportunity to go to school and I can’t do anything about it. What I can do is be greatful for my opportunities and take the chances that I’ve been given. If you want to get inspired, just listen. Listen to your family, your friends or strangers you see in public transport. I don’t fight with my family anymore. I’ve listened and I’ve learnt. I’ve listeneted and I’ve grown. And I still have a lot to learn and even more to grow. 

Love, Albesa

How does it get less painful?

Today has been a good day so far. It’s cold but sunny, there are flowers on the grass and there are happy kids on the playground. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it before but I love kids so much. They are so carefree and happy and I’m not quite sure how it works but it inspires me and getting inspired is very important. I think I’ve made some progress in being a stable human, at least I feel like that today. I’ve been trying very hard to feel better. It’s a constant battle but trying is the key to happiness and success. What I’ve been thinking about lately is feeling guilty because of my feelings. It happens when you open up to people who clearly don’t understand what you’re going through and the only thing they say is ”Oh, there are people dying, it’s gonna be fine.” Let me explain myself. I’m aware that there are people who feel much worse than me. I’m aware that there are people who have more problems than me. I’m aware. What I want to say is that just because someone out there has bigger problems than me doesn’t mean that my problems are invalid. Just because someone out there is struggling more than me, doesn’t mean that I’m not struggling at all. Just because there are people who have less than me doesn’t mean that I’m spoiled and ungreateful. Different people experience different things and with that being said, different people are going to get hurt from different things. My pain has nothing to do with other people’s pain. My problems don’t get less painful because other people’s problems are more painful and neither do yours. If people felt better because someone out there was going through something worse, there would be no sadness in this world because there will always be people who are going through something worse then us. Unfortunately, that’s not how it works. It only gets less painful because of us and our actions along with the support and help of our loved ones. That’s why I find it pointless to compare my problems to other people’s problems. I use them as motivation and inspiration. I try to understand people and their feelings which makes me grow as a person. I try to understand their ways of getting better so I can get better myself. I try to help people as much as I can. I try.  I want you to know that what you’re going through is not stupid. You’re the only person who knows how much something means to you. It’s not your fault if people can’t or don’t want to understand you. It’s more important for you to understand yourself anyway. 

Love, Albesa