[6:29 PM / Sunday / July 14, 2019]
Something felt off the moment I woke up today and I’ve been trying to figure out what it is but haven’t managed to yet. I wish I could say that I’m living my best life but at the moment, I’m far, far away from that. From dealing with grandma’s death which is by far the most painful thing I’ve ever had to accept to dealing with family dramas on a daily basis, I’m trying really hard not to get consumed by it. And it’s hard, very hard. Then there is other stuff; anxiety, being tired of my own self and how irresponsible I am with myself sometimes, not knowing where I stand with people, to feeling like I know nothing at all. How bad is all of that? Can I still live a healthy life despite all of that? Yes, for sure, but as long as I’m keeping my mind on everything that makes me upset, healthy life is gonna feel very distant. The situation I’m in right now is painful, uncomfortable, and it requires a lot of patience, which I sometimes don’t know where to get. I’m alive though. I’m alive and breathing and making it to another day, every day, which proves that in reality, it isn’t THAT bad. I mean it is, but it isn’t, if you know what I mean. I’m still waking up, going to work, improving my eating habits which is, surprisingly, going very well. I’m still going to therapy, trying to help myself get better, learn, grow, improve. I’m still determined to go to college which is terrifying after my last college experience. So many things are terrifying but I’m somehow still not completely defeated. Nothing is easy when you don’t believe in yourself, not even the simplest things. I’m tired, and I need to rest more than ever. I need to give myself a break. I need to set more boundaries. Not everything requires my reaction and that’s why I need to let myself be in peace, even when others aren’t. I don’t have the solution to every problem that I or someone I love might face. It’s still fine. You know what’s not fine? Deciding to accept your misery isn’t fine. Having chances to improve your life but not taking them isn’t fine. Deciding not to try again anymore isn’t fine. I don’t want to sound harsh but life isn’t always sweet, in fact, most of the times it isn’t, so if we’re not gonna keep going, what else can we do? If I let my sadness consume me, I’ll eventually die, and you’ll eventually die too. I don’t know where I’ll be tomorrow, and as much as I want to sleep for an entire year straight, I’m actually thankful for it. My days are not filled with happiness, my days are filled with sadness. I’m just learning to live with this new form of pain brought by my grandma’s death. It’s been terrible. I’ve been trying to accept the fact that she’s not counting down the days till I go to Kosovo like I am. I can’t say that I’m fine at the moment but I must not stop believing that life can still be beautiful. I’m young. I’m trying. I’m just another human. What I’m going through is a part of the human experience. This is not the final destination of my human experience. It’s still not over.
I’ll be fine, we’ll be fine.
Love and light,
[10:10 PM / Thursday / January 25 2018]
I have chosen to change my life completely. I’m calmer than ever now that I understand that changing my life is entirely about me and my decisions. The things around me are gonna remain the same but it’s not about changing the things around me anyway, it’s about changing what I choose to focus on. I’ve been suffering from depression for four and a half years now and making changes after such a long period of time feels very scary. After all these years, I must say that I’ve learned to live with my pain, I’ve adapted my life to it and everything that’s not a part of it is terrifying. I’m afraid of trying something new, I’m afraid of the things I failed at in the past. I’m afraid of being disappointed in myself. I’m afraid of being defeated by my fears. I know that nothing is actually as bad as I think it is and to prove that to myself, I must break the ice of fear that’s stopping me from living my life. I want to start breaking that ice no matter what. I’ve had the idea that I’m wasting my life in my head for a long time now and I know I’ll have it until I make some changes. I don’t want to feel like I’m wasting my life and that’s why I’m trying to do everything that I can. The progress is slow but every small step is precious. I don’t want to feel guilty if getting out of bed is everything I feel like doing today, I’ve had days when I couldn’t do it because I just wanted to sleep my pain away. But I don’t want to do that anymore because that’s not the way to change my world. My world is not gonna change while I’m sleeping. It’s gonna be dark, unhappy and bitter until I do something to lighten it up. So I tell myself ”acknowledge your small steps and cherish them.” Small steps count too because they lead to big changes. Fear is a part of every journey but it should never be bigger and stronger than my wish to feel better. I’ve said this many times before; life will keep being the same as long as we keep doing the same things over and over again. Maybe the things I’m afraid of are the things that are life-changing. Every idea that is the opposite of every awful emotion that I feel on a daily basis is an idea worth turning into a plan. I tell myself ”follow your vision and your plan, focus on it and start doing it. It doesn’t matter if it’s 2 AM or 5 PM, make a change every time you feel that energy inside of you.” I must write down every positive thought that randomly comes into my mind. Today’s positive thought is valid and it’s encouraging. Today’s positive thought could keep me going tomorrow. Tomorrow’s positive thought could encourage me to try something that could change my depression-adapted routine. People rarely care about what I’ve been through or how much I’ve have struggled in the past. I want to give myself the support and applause I once expected from others. My goal is to learn to love myself and my life and to live in peace without having other people’s approval. ‘If you try hard enough you will succeed’; yes this is true but it’s only true when the situation is entirely about me. If other people are involved but not as interested as me, I want to learn when is the right time to stop trying. I have hurt myself way too much by trying to forgive, forget and find excuses for mistakes that were done by someone I truly loved. No matter how much I love someone, I know that distancing myself from those individuals is required when I know my goal is to be mentally healthier. While trying to make some progress, I must occupy myself with happy thoughts, occupy myself with things I love doing and overthinking about a broken trust is definitely not one of them. I must accept it, leave it somewhere behind and move on with my life. I must keep in mind that life is so much more than every negative emotion I deal with on a daily basis. I must carry that reminder with me everywhere I go. I must stay strong so that one day when I’m happy and content with my life, I can look back at everything I will have gone through and say that I’m there because I believed in my happy thoughts which became my reality.
I’m almost there.
[10:45 PM / Sunday / December 10 2017]
Writing has always had a therapeutic effect on me. Wherever/whenever I’m down, I find myself reaching for my notebook and writing it all out. Maybe my notebook can handle my feelings better than someone who loves me and doesn’t want me to feel like this. It’s always hard to tell someone I’m not there yet, or that my well-being is still shaky and unstable. I feel like they don’t ask me about it as much thinking I will be better the next time they ask me about it, and hearing I’m still not there must be as hard for them as it’s for me while saying that. I hate when people worry about me; in one hand I’m thankful that someone cares about me the way I care about them but in the other hand, I know everyone is already struggling with something and hearing about my struggles and battles while dealing with their own is never pleasing. I know I feel so helpless when that same thing happens to me. I realized a long time ago that there are no words that can describe some feelings. There are no words that can give someone a perception of my feelings, or maybe I just haven’t found them yet. By the way people react to my words, I can tell they don’t understand how I feel which is completely fine. I’ve written it before and I’m writing it again; people don’t really understand something they haven’t experienced by themselves. I don’t know if it has to do with capabilty or something else, it doesn’t even matter at this point. I kind of lost my point in this story but I think you’ll get what I’m trying to say. I’m truly thankful for the people who take the time to check on me every now and then, not because I remind them of struggles all the time but because they remember it themselves. Knowing that someone listents to you is a nice feeling whether they understand what you’re saying or not. Just taking the time to ask me how I’m doing is more than enough. My younger sister often tells me; ”you always know what to say, you’re the only person I can talk to like this”, I don’t feel like I always know what to say but regardless, I’m so happy my words can help someone even just a little bit. I’m happy I’ve learned so much from struggling and that the things I’ve learned can help someone else find their path. I’m also happy that I manage to find something good in all of these bad things I often feel. It’s been almost a year of me writing about my life like this. It has helped me so much in so many ways. It has helped me with my sleep which is very bad, my peace that I definitely need, and mostly my words and expression. I don’t know where I would be right know if I had to keep for myself everything I let out on here. This blog comes the closest to what’s on my mind, my heart and soul. I can’t believe how much it helped me in keeping myself together. The best part about it; I opened up about everything and nothing bad happened which is often not the case while opening up to people. By nothing bad I mean it never made anyone stressed, worried or disappointed which is a possibility when someone is listening to me in person. To everyone who listens to me; please don’t worry about me. I will make it to so many more sunshines as long as I’m willing to try again everytime there’s a storm inside of me. I will keep trying until there’s a big colorful rainbow around my heart.
Please be aware of the fact that whatever you’re going through is making you learn and grow. Try taking your battles as lessons that are teaching you a lot of good things such as patience, self-growth, tolerance, being more open-minded and being more mature than you ever thought you could be. Those qualities are very important for your future self and they are also very rare. Once you get there, you’ll look back and say; ”It was painful as hell, but I’m stronger than ever now. Thanks to everything I had to face, I became my own champion.”
Everything feels a little strange. I’ve been pushing myself more than ever and, my dear people, I think it’s working. I’m not sure but I think I’ve noticed some changes in my wellbeing. Of course you can’t get better over night but small steps are progress as well. These small steps mean so much to me because they are proof that I’m not where I used to be. They are proof that I’m trying. I’ve been setting this ‘I can do it’ mindset right after waking up in the morning. It’s like I’m commanding myself to get up and try and I think that’s exactly what has made a change in my wellbeing. There are a lot of things I worry about but I’ve been trying really hard to calm myself down with positive thoughts. It’s super hard and it sometimes feels like I’m lying to myself but I know this is the right thing to do, I know I can’t just sit there and wait for a miracle to save me. I think what we all need to do is to set small goals and work little by little until we achieve them. One step at a time, no pressure, no hurry. Setting goals is important because it’s a step towards a better tomorrow. Big goals come from small ones so work on those first. Be your own priority, take care of yourself, believe in yourself, treat yourself the way you treat others, be careful with your time and energy, make sure you eat, drink and sleep well and be greatful for what you’ve been given. I believe in you and I believe in myself.
We got this.
I absolutely hate it when I feel my heart pounding like crazy. I feel myself getting nervous and stressed because of all the overthinking I unconsciously do. Anxitey is just awful. It takes over me and I can’t do anything about it besides feel it. I have lost my sleep because of it so many times but sometimes it really gets a little too much. I got an anxiety attack the other day; it happened right when I put my phone down and was about to sleep (this has been happening a lot lately). Those moments are the worst because that’s when my mind starts to produce thoughts that ruin my peace. I was trying to fall asleep for about 2 hours before I got up and went to the balcony to breathe some fresh air and find some peace. I sat in my living room and started crying because I couldn’t believe that was me. I used to be the kind of person who couldn’t understand when people cried easily and now I’ve become one of those people. I used to be outgoing and going out has now become a challenge to me. I went for a walk yesterday night and I was wondering when and how did all of this happen? When and how did I lose such a big part of me? I have always been very optimistic but I’ve had this feeling of failure ever since college started. I know it’s because I’m not focused and determined as I would want to be but I don’t know what to do about it. It’s just really hard to do anything when you’re feeling like this. It’s very hard to understand it unless you’ve experienced it yourself. Things like these are incredibly scary. I know I’ve changed a lot but not necessarily for the worse. I’ve become the most private person I know, which I actually like. My circle is smaller than it has ever been, I’m more family oriented than I’ve ever been and I’m more mature than I ever thought I could be. I choose to believe that everything happens for a reason. For example, if I never got depression and anxiety, I would never isolate myself. I would probably be making memories with wrong people which is terrifying. I’m glad I isolated myself because I got to see who my real friends were. It’s been a long time since I last felt good but now I know that when I get better, I’m gonna be surrounded by people who truly believe in me and were there for me when I was at my worst. I’m still very optimistic.
I’ve been under control of mixed emotions lately. The worst situation I can find myself in is the one when I don’t know what I want. Some of my days are full of motivation and other days are like “whatever”. How do I explain this? It’s a combination of wanting something but not having enough energy to get it (makes me wonder, do I really want it, is it even important to me?). Some situations include other people which makes it doubly harder. Sometimes we hurt people by pushing them away because we think that that’s exactly what they are going to do to us. It all makes sense, it really does. We live in a world where being selfless is risky, mainly because it’s mistaken for being weak or naive (“why do you do so many things for other people? None cares anyway”). But do I really need anyone to care about what I do? Do I expect them to care about what I do? There are thousands of questions in my head and some of them include these ones: how does care about other people the way we care about ourselves makes us weak in any way? Doesn’t that mean that we’re filled with extra positive energy? Why do we have to judge and have an opinion on everything? Why do we act like we’ve lived multiple lives before and this is just another one we’re living? Why can’t we all work on ourselves and be happy with our lives so we can get rid of negative emotions that cause us pain? Why can’t we help and support each other instead of judging and bringing out mistakes that were made in the past? Maybe it’s just my perception but with all that I wrote above, it’s completely understandable that we choose to stay in our comfort zone and keep our feelings to ourselves. No matter the world we live in, I hope we will all have the strength and courage to be exactly who we are.
I hope the world becomes safe enough for that.