Growth, gratitude, and improvement

[2:09 PM / Sunday / June 17 2018]

Here I am once again, starting a story without really knowing what I’m gonna write. I’m not worried about it though, the stories that I write without planning them turn out being the most relieving ones. Anyway, let’s start. I don’t like the fact that I haven’t written in so long. Actually, I have written a bunch of stories but they’re kind of all over the place. I own way too many notebooks and each of them contains small bits of stories that I started writing in another notebook. I’ve been quite confused these days. I don’t really know how I feel anymore and I truly mean it when I say it. Things have not been getting better or worse, they’re kind of the same most of the time. I got used to my new, work life, routine and I like it because I finally feel like my life makes sense, at least a little bit. When it comes to work, I must mention that I’m doing pretty good however, I know I haven’t been trying my hardest. I’m not gonna start with excuses, I’m just gonna say that I’m gonna work harder and be even more content with my work. A month and a half have gone by since I started working and, oh boy, time goes so fast! I got my first ever salary which felt so strange because I felt like a real adult for the first time in my 20 years of life. Since I’m talking about work, let me mention that I told my manager about my anxiety problems. I had to do it because she asked me why I never ate in the kitchen where all of my colleagues eat. Her answer was the answer that I was expecting; ‘it’s all in your head.’ So many things were going through my mind at that moment. When I came home, one of the things I wrote down in my notebook was this one: ‘people tell me ‘it’s all in your head’ without realizing that that’s exactly the biggest problem people like me deal with. We suffer because it’s in our heads, it’s us who have to live with it day by day. It’s us who have to fight with it day by day. It’s me worrying about every little thing around me, it’s me that I’m afraid of what will happen tomorrow. If those thoughts about me were in someone else’s head, I wouldn’t spend a single minute worrying about it, trust me.’ I can’t remember if I’ve ever written anything more truthful than that. I don’t think I’ve ever agreed with myself more. I have realized one more time that people don’t understand the struggle that anxiety and depression bring, neither do I expect them to anymore. I remember describing it in a few words and it just never worked. My pain, my struggle and my fear, they were always belittled, which only ended up causing me even more negative emotions. I’m okay now, I really am. I’m aware of everything, I’m trying not to think about anything that makes me unhappy, I’m trying to improve the quality of my life. I have a few plans that make me happy just thinking about them so I’m gonna work on those. One of the best things you can do for yourself is keep yourself busy with the things that fulfill you so choose a few things you would like to do more and every time you have some extra time, do one of those things. Spend your time in peace, spend your time away from places/things that remind you of rough times, disappointments, a broken friendship or a broken relationship. Work hard on creating a new, healthier surrounding that will make you feel like a new person which has nothing to do with who you were or where you’ve been in the past. You have the right to start over anytime you want, you have the right to make changes and make the most out of your time while you’re still alive. You have the right to do the things that people disagree with as long as you know that the option you’re choosing is the best option for you. Cherish the things we usually take for granted, cherish your health, your family, friends, food, your roof over your head. Gratitude, compassion, and positivity are a way of life, it takes some time to learn to live like that but once you’re there, you’ll realize how simple some things can be if we don’t makeup things in our heads. Let people know how much they mean to you, be that one ‘annoying’ friend who keeps saying ‘I love you’ all the time. If that’s a part of you, don’t hide it. I tell my cousin/best friend I love her at least 5 times a week because I really do and when that thought comes into my head, I express it. Acting cold or emotionless is not really my thing neither do I think it’s cool or funny. Emotions are meant to be expressed otherwise you’ll kill yourself way before you’re really dead. Oh, yeah, let me end this story with some nice things. I feel like I’ve grown even more since I’ve started working. I acknowledge every little bit of my progress and it makes me extremely happy. I’m also continuing my therapy very soon which is absolutely awesome. I’ll be out of the dark room sooner than I know! My goal for this month is to keep this positive mindset and keep moving forward. That’s basically it, I don’t think I have anything left to say at the moment. I’ll definitely write more in the future, I’ll try at least once a week. We’ll see, no worries, no pressure. My dear people, I wish you a good time and a healthier life. Work hard on yourself, achieve what you want to achieve and stay humble. And to all the hardships, heartbreaks and disappointments, it’s time to say goodbye. We’re all leaving you behind.

We got this.

Love, Albesa

Becoming healthier

[10:10 PM / Thursday / January 25 2018]

I have chosen to change my life completely. I’m calmer than ever now that I understand that changing my life is entirely about me and my decisions. The things around me are gonna remain the same but it’s not about changing the things around me anyway, it’s about changing what I choose to focus on. I’ve been suffering from depression for four and a half years now and making changes after such a long period of time feels very scary. After all these years, I must say that I’ve learned to live with my pain, I’ve adapted my life to it and everything that’s not a part of it is terrifying. I’m afraid of trying something new, I’m afraid of the things I failed at in the past. I’m afraid of being disappointed in myself. I’m afraid of being defeated by my fears. I know that nothing is actually as bad as I think it is and to prove that to myself, I must break the ice of fear that’s stopping me from living my life. I want to start breaking that ice no matter what. I’ve had the idea that I’m wasting my life in my head for a long time now and I know I’ll have it until I make some changes. I don’t want to feel like I’m wasting my life and that’s why I’m trying to do everything that I can. The progress is slow but every small step is precious. I don’t want to feel guilty if getting out of bed is everything I feel like doing today, I’ve had days when I couldn’t do it because I just wanted to sleep my pain away. But I don’t want to do that anymore because that’s not the way to change my world. My world is not gonna change while I’m sleeping. It’s gonna be dark, unhappy and bitter until I do something to lighten it up. So I tell myself ”acknowledge your small steps and cherish them.” Small steps count too because they lead to big changes. Fear is a part of every journey but it should never be bigger and stronger than my wish to feel better. I’ve said this many times before; life will keep being the same as long as we keep doing the same things over and over again. Maybe the things I’m afraid of are the things that are life-changing. Every idea that is the opposite of every awful emotion that I feel on a daily basis is an idea worth turning into a plan. I tell myself ”follow your vision and your plan, focus on it and start doing it. It doesn’t matter if it’s 2 AM or 5 PM, make a change every time you feel that energy inside of you.” I must write down every positive thought that randomly comes into my mind. Today’s positive thought is valid and it’s encouraging. Today’s positive thought could keep me going tomorrow. Tomorrow’s positive thought could encourage me to try something that could change my depression-adapted routine. People rarely care about what I’ve been through or how much I’ve have struggled in the past. I want to give myself the support and applause I once expected from others. My goal is to learn to love myself and my life and to live in peace without having other people’s approval. ‘If you try hard enough you will succeed’; yes this is true but it’s only true when the situation is entirely about me. If other people are involved but not as interested as me, I want to learn when is the right time to stop trying. I have hurt myself way too much by trying to forgive, forget and find excuses for mistakes that were done by someone I truly loved. No matter how much I love someone, I know that distancing myself from those individuals is required when I know my goal is to be mentally healthier. While trying to make some progress, I must occupy myself with happy thoughts, occupy myself with things I love doing and overthinking about a broken trust is definitely not one of them. I must accept it, leave it somewhere behind and move on with my life. I must keep in mind that life is so much more than every negative emotion I deal with on a daily basis. I must carry that reminder with me everywhere I go. I must stay strong so that one day when I’m happy and content with my life, I can look back at everything I will have gone through and say that I’m there because I believed in my happy thoughts which became my reality.

I’m almost there.

Love, Albesa

You, your enviroment and making changes

[6:00 PM / Wednesday / January 17 2018]

We’re surrounded by so many people, so many things, so many options that we get lost trying to pick the best of everything. What is the best according to you? People surround themselves with so many other people. While trying to be in good terms with everyone, there’s a possibility you’ll end up having zero people you can call when you need someone to talk to. I’ve said this so many times but please be aware that no matter how nice you are, not everyone will like you. Be aware of the fact that you’ll never be able to please everyone. Write down people’s names and circle the ones who you can be truly honest with. Those are the ones who are worth it. Make sure you stay close only to those people who make you feel good. Make sure the people you’re surrounded by meet your standards of being a good friend. So, the best option according to me is to be friends with people who are there for you as much as you are there for them. Keep your circle small and appreciate the ones who never let you down. Make sure they know you’re thankful for them and that they can count on you anytime. If someone does something that damages your well-being, you have every right to distance yourself from them. Mental health and stability are priceless and no one has the right to take a piece of it from you. When it comes to money and material things, I try to save as much as possible and not spend my money on things I don’t need. For example: even though I don’t own a crazy lot of clothes, I still want to spend less money on it because I know I don’t need it as much as I buy it. I bought a lot of clothes in the past that ended up being worn only once or twice which is an unnecessary waste. I want to learn to manage my money better and not buy something just because I like it for a day or two. I’m teaching myself financial responsibility that way. I know I won’t always be able to afford something I will like and I don’t want to let that cause me negative emotions. I’m happy that I’m able to let it go and say ”It’s fine, I don’t need it anyway.” This proves that I don’t find satisfaction in material things more than I should which is a good sign. I’m learning every day. I’ve been appreciating time more than ever before because I spent so much of it not making any changes. I want to make a change every day now. A change that will help me feel better, live better and be a better person. It’s such a shame that we don’t see our possibilities and everything we’re capable of doing. It’s such a shame that we let our mindset us limits that in reality don’t even exist. It’s such a shame that we start to think we are what other people think of us. You’re doing good even when you think you’re wasting your time, you’re not to fat for that t-shirt, you’re not being lame when you’re being yourself. You’re so much more than your doubts. You’re so much more than an opinion of someone who doesn’t like you. People fail at different things many times but the key to success is not giving up. Fail, stand up, try again. Every failure is a lesson. Don’t judge yourself based on your past mistakes. Accept everything that happened and move on. The thing is that we change so much every day that we don’t even realize. We come to the point where we say ,,I’m not even that person anymore”, and it’s so true. You’re not your mistakes and everything you could have done better. I haven’t done big mistakes that haunt me but I do have some things I wish I could have done better. It’s fine I say. I can’t do anything about it, I can’t go back and change anything. What happened, happened. The point of your mistakes is to teach you things you’re not gonna do next time you find yourself in a simmilar situation. Pick the good things such as patience, tolerance, optimism out of everything bad. Those things are priceless. They can’t be given, they can’t be bought. They can only be found within you if you want to. If you can change something, do it. If you can’t, accept it and move on with your life. There are many things waiting for you to open your eyes while you’re sleeping and dreaming about changing something that can’t be changed.

I hope all of this makes some sense. Take care of yourself and the enviroment you’re in. We got this, my dear people. 

Love, Albesa

A list of to-do things (kind of)

[11:37 PM / Monday / January 1 2018]

Another year of ups and downs is over. I thought about it a lot and it really was full of ups and downs, pretty much unstable to cut it short. I lost a lot of things and I gained a lot of things. Not too bad but not too good either. Out of every year I survived until now, this one was the hardest one for sure. I made it, I kept going, I’m alive and that’s why I’m saying; not too bad. I’d like to share with you a few things that I told myself I’m gonna work on more in the future. Let’s start with this one; avoid negative energy the way you avoid getting hit by a car. It doesn’t matter if you suffer from any kind of mental illness or not, take care of the enviroment you’re in. If something feels off and you can’t do anything about it, stay away from it for your own well-being. There’s a reason why it feels off and from my own experience, I believe a humans intuition is almost always the best thing to follow. I tell myself; believe in yourself more. The way people see you is not the way you are, it’s how they are. What people think of you and the things you do doesn’t define you at all. Some people will think you’re lame, some people will think you’re awesome. But that’s totally fine, we can’t be loved by everybody anyway. The sooner we understand that, the better. I tell myself: be nice to people. Always treat people the way you want to be treated. Choose your words carefully and try staying calm when you’re under control of negative emotions. I tell myself: don’t compare yourself to other people. Don’t let other people’s success cause you negative emotions such as jealousy and self-doubt. Try seeing it as motivation instead. Let it inspire you and help you with your journey. How much you work for it is how much you’ll get it. It depends on none else but you. Another thing I tell myself: be your own best friend and don’t screw yourself. I’m saying this because I’m that person who always tries so hard to make everyone happy even if it means I have to let myself down. That is so wrong and irresponsible. It’s wrong and irresponsible because I try so hard to take care of my own well-being and then I do something that damages it. I must stop with that. I must set some limits. My advice for everyone including myself: let things go. Broken friendships,  relationships, dissapointments… Give yourself some time to go through it but make sure you don’t lose yourself in all the darkness. Accept things the way they are and move on. This includes people as well. If something you had with someone didn’t work once, twice or three times, it’s your time to finally get into your head that you’re no longer compatible with that one person you thought was the one, as a friend or as a lover, it doesn’t really matter. You can’t change anyone but yourself. You can’t keep thinking that ‘it’s gonna be different this time’ when the person you have a problem with doesn’t even see the wrongs they do to you. To keep yourself stable, stay close to what you love. People, places, hobbies. Spend your time with people who make who make you feel good, people who you can learn something from and people who inspire you. Go to places that make you feel happy you’re alive. Go to places where your hearts tells you to go. Do the things you’re passionate about. Whatever you do, make sure you do it with love. The last important thing I have to say: make sure you’re aware that you still have so much to learn. About yourself, about your family, about your friends, about strangers, about the world. There are so many good things you’ll discover that are gonna help you become the best version of yourself. Keep working on yourself and your personal development. Once you’re there don’t forget to help others get there too. 

I wish you love and light, my dear people.

Love, Albesa 

Good things about bad things

[10:45 PM / Sunday / December 10 2017]

Writing has always had a therapeutic effect on me. Wherever/whenever I’m down, I find myself reaching for my notebook and writing it all out. Maybe my notebook can handle my feelings better than someone who loves me and doesn’t want me to feel like this. It’s always hard to tell someone I’m not there yet, or that my well-being is still shaky  and unstable. I feel like they don’t ask me about it as much thinking I will be better the next time they ask me about it, and hearing I’m still not there must be as hard for them as it’s for me while saying that. I hate when people worry about me; in one hand I’m thankful that someone cares about me the way I care about them but in the other hand, I know everyone is  already struggling with something and hearing about my struggles and battles while dealing with their own is never pleasing. I know I feel so helpless when that same thing happens to me. I realized a long time ago that there are no words that can describe some feelings. There are no words that can give someone a perception of my feelings, or maybe I just haven’t found them yet. By the way people react to my words, I can tell they don’t understand how I feel which is completely fine. I’ve written it before and I’m writing it again; people don’t really understand something they haven’t experienced by themselves. I don’t know if it has to do with capabilty or something else, it doesn’t even matter at this point. I kind of lost my point in this story but I think you’ll get what I’m trying to say. I’m truly thankful for the people who take the time to check on me every now and then, not because I remind them of struggles all the time but because they remember it themselves. Knowing that someone listents to you is a nice feeling whether they understand what you’re saying or not. Just taking the time to ask me how I’m doing is more than enough. My younger sister often tells me; ”you always know what to say, you’re the only person I can talk to like this”, I don’t feel like I always know what to say but regardless, I’m so happy my words can help someone even just a little bit. I’m happy I’ve learned so much from struggling and that the things I’ve learned can help someone else find their path. I’m also happy that I manage to find something good in all of these bad things I often feel. It’s been almost a year of me writing about my life like this. It has helped me so much in so many ways. It has helped me with my sleep which is very bad, my peace that I definitely need, and mostly my words and expression. I don’t know where I would be right know if I had to keep for myself everything I let out on here. This blog comes the closest to what’s on my mind, my heart and soul. I can’t believe how much it helped me in keeping myself together. The best part about it; I opened up about everything and nothing bad happened which is often not the case while opening up to people. By nothing bad I mean it never made anyone stressed, worried or disappointed which is a possibility when someone is listening to me in person. To everyone who listens to me; please don’t worry about me. I will make it to so many more sunshines as long as I’m willing to try again everytime there’s a storm inside of me. I will keep trying until there’s a big colorful rainbow around my heart.

Please be aware of the fact that whatever you’re going through is making you learn and grow. Try taking your battles as lessons that are teaching you a lot of good things such as patience, self-growth, tolerance, being more open-minded and being more mature than you ever thought you could be. Those qualities are very important for your future self and they are also very rare. Once you get there, you’ll look back and say; ”It was painful as hell, but I’m stronger than ever now. Thanks to everything I had to face, I became my own champion.”

Love, Albesa

Romantic relationships mixed with personal issues

”You’re 20 years old and you’ve never had a boyfriend?!”; that’s how people usually react when I tell them I’ve never been in a relationship. I know most people my age have had plenty of relationships but that’s basically it. They had them but they don’t have them anymore. Big congratulations to those who made it, I’m very happy for them. Being young and wanting to fit in makes us do things we usually wouldn’t do and I think the same thing happens with having a boyfriend/girlfriend. A lot of young people (not only young people though) just want to have fun, experience different things they’ve never experienced before and just feel some kind of thrill I guess. Being raised in a conservative family, which I believe has had quite a big impact on me and my behavior, I’ve never felt the need to experiment with boys, girls, relationships and stuff like that. I’ve always known that by being in a relationship where there is no love, I would only disappoint myself by doing something I never thought was the right thing to do. I’m happy that I’ve always been aware of the fact that relationships established without love, trust, respect and equality are gonna end soon or later. Knowing that, saved me from hurting myself and someone else. I don’t think it’s fine to use someone else’s feelings for your own entertainment. Relationships are complicated and stressful when there’s no general connection between two people. I haven’t experienced it myself but I’ve seen so many people getting hurt because there was no communication and no connection in the relationship they were in. In my opinion, two people who are in a relationship must be comfortable with each other, be best friends with each other and feel the freedom to say how they feel or think. Breakups happen when people jump in it for the wrong reasons which are often these ones: loneliness, boredom, insecurities, pressure to do it because everyone else is doing it or pressure because they’re ”running out of time’… Some of those things are the things that an individual has to work on by themselves. Those are not the things that another person can make better for you. If you know you’re not in a really good place in your life, take the time to find something that’s not gonna make you feel bored when you’re alone. Take the time to work on what makes you insecure about yourself, take the time to learn how to be your own best friend when none else is around. It’s not easy but it’s definitely easier than expecting those things from someone else. None is gonna walk into your life and solve your personal issues. The other person probably has their own issues to deal with. When you feel complete with your own self, that’s when you know you can connect with someone else. The only time you’ll be yourself is when you’ve accepted yourself the way you are and you embrace yourself no matter what other people might think about you. So basically, before you rush into a relationship because you feel some kind of pressure, make sure you know that the consequences of your choices can lead to heartbreak, pain, disappointment, trust issues, and many other problems. Having personal issues, I don’t think you need even more issues to deal with. Be smart, there’s enough time for everything. Love will happen to you sooner or later, but I think it won’t happen until you’ve given love to yourself first.

Love, Albesa

Beauty?

What is beautiful? Who do you ask if someone/something is beautiful? Are other people the ones who dictate your beauty or do you listen to yourself? I’ve been thinking about this lately and I realized that people are so pressured to listen to others and their beauty standards. Listen to me, my dear people. I’m not an ‘important’ person’, people don’t know me and I’m not people’s role model. The world itself is diverse. There are so many beautiful creatures on earth. Different people, different animals, different plants, different everything. The world has no rules when it comes to beauty. You can’t set beauty standards for people who are completely different from you. Different people like different things, is that really that hard to understand? You set your own standards and that’s it. That’s where you stop. That is your only right. And you know why? Because it’s about you. And as long as it’s about you, it’s fine because you’re the one who decides how you’re gonna live your life. As I said, that’s when you’re done. What other people do, how they dress, how they do their makeup,  how they live their lives is none of my or your business. Who am I to tell someone else how to dress? Who are you to tell someone else how to dress? As diverese people that we are, we can’t expect everyone to like everything. No. That’s simply impossible and that’s why I’m so against beauty standards. Not everyone will like what I like. Not everyone will like the way I dress. But that’s fine. I’m fine with that as long as there is respect. I’m not asking anyone to like what I do and neither should you. The only person that should like how you live your life is you. That’s what matters the most. We should never judge people because of their clothes, makeup, hair color, financial status, race, religion, ethnicity, sex orientation…To cut it short, we should never judge each other. We should never make someone else feel bad because they live their lives the way they want to and not the way others want them to. The world is cruel enough the way it is but it’s still possible to make the world around ourselves a little bit nicer. We can’t change the entire world but we can change our worlds. Make sure the world you live in is full of positivity, happiness and joy. Make sure your world is yours and not someone else’s. Live your life however you want to, make yourself happy by doing things you want to do and don’t listen to people who don’t accept you for who you are. I support diveristy. Diversity is beauty. I support myself and everyone different from me in any aspect. What matters is having a beautiful heart, a beautiful mind and a beautiful soul. The rest of beautifuls is your choice and all I can do about it is respect it. The fear of judgment is prison for souls. Don’t judge people. Don’t make people afraid. Don’t prison others. Work on yourself, work on your happiness and do what you want to do. What others do is not your choice. If it’s not your choice, why bother? 

Love, Albesa